Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

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Heromanz

Member
Oct 25, 2017
14,456
I mean, generally when one member of the family is a stay at home parent that's how it is. Since I haven't left I'm still a stay at home parent. Don't currently have income to pay for anything. How could I? I did contribute financially before we had twins, but since daycare was more expensive than my income I had to stay home. If I wasn't a parasite before I'm not now.
But You are though, like what couple would want to have a ex in the same house. Sooner or later they will act. Like all.the cost that she is paying for you could easily go into something else
 

gozu

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,954
America
Utterly bullshit.

I'm in one right now.

My partner and I don't live together, but we're each other's primary partner. We're just like any other couple in that respect, except we also have other partners. I'm not currently seeing anyone else as, quite frankly, I don't have time and I'm working on myself for a while before I meet new people.

My partner was asexual for most of her life and, around five years ago, discovered feelings of sexual desire she didn't know even existed. She had very little sexual contact because of this, and is now exploring this in a healthy way. So she has multiple partners: a man and woman in Germany who she sees a few times a year, and a guy she just met who she is dating and having regular sex with.

She also wants to explore her dom side, among other things, and I think it's wonderful she's getting to experience all of this in safe and healthy environments.

This might seem utterly alien to you, but I have no desires of possession over her. I love her deeply but have no hint of jealously when she tells me about her partners (and we talk about everything, this is something she lets all of them know in advance).

This is, without a doubt, the healthiest and most loving relationship I've ever been in. There is no pretense of ownership, or expectation in terms of what we owe each other. We're both hugely respectful of each other's feelings, we talk openly and honestly about our experiences, and we actively help each other with things like writing our dating profiles, choosing pictures for them, etc...

And, as the only people compatible with this kind of relationship are other poly people, we've met lots of people with the same mindset and seen just how well and how often these things can work out.

The woman who is part of that German couple just came over to stay for the weekend. My girlfriend had a huge project sprung on her and she had to work through it, and both myself and the woman (and some other friends) all came together to help with it. We hung out for 3 days and nights, and it was really fucking awesome.

So, next time you consider making a statement like that, consider that it's your ignorance of how poly relationships work out all the damn time. They're not for everyone, and largely if a couple who has been monogamous decides to move toward this there may be a high failure rate, but don't ignore those who build relationships FROM a poly position, of which there are too many to speak of it the way you just did.

This level of speaking from an ignorant position like you know for certain is dumb as hell, why you'd choose to do that I don't know.
I feel like if human beings lived for several centuries, polyamorous relationships would be much more common. Would you agree?
 

Contramann

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,148
This thread is giving me a headache.

I just for the life of me cannot fathom the sheer apathy with which OP is treating this situation.

Good luck to you though OP. Hopefully everything'll shake out well for you. Somehow.
When you go around looking at life with Rose-Tinted Glasses you don't see the red flags, you just see flags.
 

Doc Kelso

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,529
NYC
I feel like if human beings lived for several centuries, polyamorous relationships would be much more common. Would you agree?
Cheating and sexual non-exclusivity has been a thing since the dawn of time. Polyamory in many ways is the acceptance that your loved one will have sexual urges that you cannot, or will not, fulfill and agreeing to respect one-another enough to allow for that exploration.
 

Necron

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,895
Switzerland
This... is a lot to take in. I don't know what advice I can give but... get out of there. I can't imagine this working longterm.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
But You are though, like what couple would want to have a ex in the same house. Sooner or later they will act. Like all.the cost that she is paying for you could easily go into something else
It would cost more for them to pay for daycare, so no it couldn't. Once I have an income the "parasite" aspect become a a non-issue.
 

Siggy-P

Avenger
Mar 18, 2018
4,976
She’s paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don’t have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
Late to this thread, but being honest here, at some point in the near future she is gonna throw you out.

You need to get out before that on your own terms. I understand through a skimming this thread that you still feel strongly for her but the reality is she has chosen someone else now. You're living there on borrowed time.

You're better off leaving her when possible, find a friend or family member to stay with until you can find somewhere else, rather than sticking around and waiting for the inevitable. You deserve better than whatever this situation is, and there's plenty of people in the world you can meet.
 

methane47

Member
Oct 28, 2017
417
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
"Once the divorce actually comes up?"
Nah dude. check with a lawyer right now, you could be due alimony. Contacting a lawyer does not mean Divorce, but a lawyer should be able to give you some proper advice and how to navigate the next few months before you get kicked out.
 

Mib

Member
Nov 16, 2017
174
Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.

Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
That's convenience, not usefulness OP. You're a mouth to feed. Find a new home and lifestyle that fits YOUR needs and that allows you stand on your own feet.

Do you never plan to be with anyone else? How do you expect to progress in life and grow as a person when you're attached to and entirely dependant on someone whose moved on.

OP, ask yourself: in terms of friends, lovers, family etc. what is your relationship with your wife? Is it mutual? Because an "ex" isn't a relationship, it's a title.
 

Ramala

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,309
There are laws and there is morality. Laws can be enforced. Personal morality is up to you and her. If you end up fundamentally disagreeing it comes down to the law of the land.
 

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
2,648
It would cost more for them to pay for daycare, so no it couldn't. Once I have an income the "parasite" aspect become a a non-issue.
... The way you're talking, it sounds like they both have full time jobs. They could get rid of you and one of them stays home (to replace your duties) or they both work and put kids in daycare. She needed you before, she no longer does.

Them telling you to bag your stuff is inevitable.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,794
Main Line
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.

The proposed cruelty is that they’ll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
When they decide it does. You have no say in the matter
 

HueyFreeman

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,877
theotherMittens just want to say how impressed I am by how understanding and calm you've been about all the judgment in the thread. I think your situation is just so foreign and mind-blowing to so many of us that people are acting up a bit. So... just kudos for being such a calm and collected person. I have zero concept of how your situation could ever possibly work... but how the fuck do I know. I sincerely hope it works, for you and for your kids in particular.
 

Zoe

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,527
I mean, generally when one member of the family is a stay at home parent that's how it is. Since I haven't left I'm still a stay at home parent. Don't currently have income to pay for anything. How could I? I did contribute financially before we had twins, but since daycare was more expensive than my income I had to stay home. If I wasn't a parasite before I'm not now.
Don't walk into a divorce settlement with that mindset. You're not a parasite--you're doing your part by taking care of the household (learn how to cook though).

That position can't last though, especially after they're all school-aged, so you do need to be thinking of the future.
 

¡Hip Hop!

Member
Nov 9, 2017
537
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
It's job hunting time, bro. You've got to look forward now. You're not going to find a new girl living jobless with your ex wife and the chick she left you for. And honestly, it's only a matter of time before they bring up the idea of you leaving.

I'm sorry your life flipped upside down and I hope the best for you. It's not going to happen staying where you're at though.
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,100
Do I need to give you a lesson on internet today? When I said irrationally angry/annoyed I didn't mean it like I was pacing back and forth a room clenching my first or some shit. Don't overanalyze just that term, especially after I explained where I am coming from. If you wish to be willfully obtuse, go right ahead. I am basing my feelings on what information is presented. If you want to go talk to the ex-wife and partner to bring some unknown facts go right ahead.

Like I said, you have a bit of a victim complex about the poly life aspect. Which was what your previous reply to me was about. You had that unfortunate situation due to someone else, not me. I suggest you have a heart to heart with that person to get over it
Haha, the passive aggressive armchair analyses.. after you made the silly hyperbolic statements and then got all defense when that was mentioned.

Drop the hyperbole next time I guess.
I feel like if human beings lived for several centuries, polyamorous relationships would be much more common. Would you agree?
Absolutely.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
It's job hunting time, bro. You've got to look forward now. You're not going to find a new girl living jobless with your ex wife and the chick she left you for. And honestly, it's only a matter of time before they bring up the idea of you leaving.

I'm sorry your life flipped upside down and I hope the best for you. It's not going to happen staying where you're at though.
I have a lot to worry about before I really try to get a new girl or guy or what have you. I'm cool with being single for a while.

The situation we're aiming for is, as I've said, for us to live in a duplex. I'd essentially have my own apartment with two kids sleeping in it. That's not unworkable for a romantic life, even if my ex lives downstairs.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
User Banned (3 Days): Unnecessary hostility across a series of posts
Might be banned for this but reading this makes it sound like you're just taking advantage and your wife was unhappy taking care of your ass and she expressed such and instead of getting ish together you come on here to somewhat justify your laziness dude get a job and get your house on order all you have said was that all signs point to yo ass being on the streets by the end of the year.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Might be banned for this but reading this makes it sound like you're just taking advantage and your wife was unhappy taking care of your ass and she expressed such and instead of getting ish together you come on here to somewhat justify your laziness dude get a job and get your house on order all you have said was that all signs point to yo ass being on the streets by the end of the year.
I only don't have a job because I'm a stay at home parent. I chose to stay home because daycare for twins would be more than my income. Sure, shame me for having a job that doesn't pay a lot, whatever, but I have never been a bum freeloading off of her.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
I only don't have a job because I'm a stay at home parent. I chose to stay home because daycare for twins would be more than my income. Sure, shame me for having a job that doesn't pay a lot, whatever, but I have never been a bum freeloading off of her.
I know but there is still stuff that could have been done my friend, and as for mow fuck the past shit my boy you on borrowed time if you cant see that big ass sign in your face telling you to get the fuck out that's on your kids you want them to grow up in a house where daddy is full of resent that his love was never really his, resent will grow I'm telling you get a job and leave find a nice apartment in some time co parent but staying in that house is such a bad choice


Honestly I was laughing at 1st but you need to just stop it tho it's sad and i say this as a person that cares. HOPE FOR THE BEST, BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST
 

ckareset

Member
Feb 2, 2018
3,159
I only don't have a job because I'm a stay at home parent. I chose to stay home because daycare for twins would be more than my income. Sure, shame me for having a job that doesn't pay a lot, whatever, but I have never been a bum freeloading off of her.
lol, if genders were reversed nobody would even question this decision.

That being said, you should start looking into a trade school or a certificate because at some point or another they are gonna put you out.
 

SABO.

Member
Nov 6, 2017
2,542
This idea of letting your partner fuck others cause you're bored is terrible.

That type of thing only works if both parties agree to it at the beginning of a relationship, not 10 years later.

Goodluck OP. It might be time to start planning how you will get out.
 

Lord of Ostia

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,427
Might be banned for this but reading this makes it sound like you're just taking advantage and your wife was unhappy taking care of your ass and she expressed such and instead of getting ish together you come on here to somewhat justify your laziness dude get a job and get your house on order all you have said was that all signs point to yo ass being on the streets by the end of the year.
How is taking care of children full time 'taking advantage'? Because he's a man? Wtf is this regressive shit.
 

Zoe

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,527
I have a lot to worry about before I really try to get a new girl or guy or what have you. I'm cool with being single for a while.

The situation we're aiming for is, as I've said, for us to live in a duplex. I'd essentially have my own apartment with two kids sleeping in it. That's not unworkable for a romantic life, even if my ex lives downstairs.
That doesn't sound fair. No rooms for the kids on the ex's side? Don't think the court would like that.

Guess that would ensure full custody though.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
lol, if genders were reversed nobody would even question this decision.

That being said, you should start looking into a trade school or a certificate because at some point or another they are gonna put you out.
How is taking care of children full time 'taking advantage'? Because he's a man? Wtf is this regressive shit.
Ima saynthis maybe my post came off that way wasnt my intention my apologies, what I'm saying is this shit is fucked and I don't understand why he is entertaining this situation sounds like someone that needs to get his shit together before it's over, honestly this thread reads like a troll
 

Lord of Ostia

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,427
Ima saynthis maybe my post came off that way wasnt my intention my apologies, what I'm saying is this shit is fucked and I don't understand why he is entertaining this situation sounds like someone that needs to get his shit together before it's over, honestly this thread reads like a troll
I don't disagree with you there, it doesn't sound feasible long term, but nothing about this thread suggests he is trolling and you directly said he was 'taking advantage' and another poster is calling him a 'parasite' so I'm not sure what you expected people to get from that other than you and a few other posters expressing extremely backwards views on gender relations. If you didn't mean that then like...don't say it?
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
This idea of letting your partner fuck others cause you're bored is terrible.

That type of thing only works if both parties agree to it at the beginning of a relationship, not 10 years later.

Goodluck OP. It might be time to start planning how you will get out.
It wasn't because I was bored. I don't feel jealousy over my partner being with other people (the jealousy I feel now is different, since she's not with me and acting entirely differently) and don't feel like it's my place to tell them who they can interact with and how, and vice versa. On top of that, I am specifically excited by the idea of my partner being with other people. I think that's hot, regardless of gender or whether or not I'm there or participating.

And yeah. I wanted to have sex with other people too. I haven't known I was bisexual for very long, so I have a very specific reason for wanting to explore a little.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
That doesn't sound fair. No rooms for the kids on the ex's side? Don't think the court would like that.

Guess that would ensure full custody though.
There are four kids. Two can sleep upstairs, two can sleep downstairs. Most duplexes in Buffalo have three bedrooms per apartment, so there's plenty of room. They can hang out wherever during the day.
 

Azuran

Member
Oct 25, 2017
966
OP what the fuck man? Jesus Christ, how pathetic can you be to be okay with something like this? Don't you have any self respect?

I wanted to slap you after reading that post. Man, get the fuck out of there and find a new place to live away from that couple.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I guess I just don't even see the point of having a duplex if everything is interchangeable.
Essentially, separate living spaces for me and my ex. I get my own living room, kitchen, and bathroom, and they get theirs. Sure we'll be seeing each other a lot, but not living on top of each other like in a single-family house.
 

¡ B 0 0 P !

Member
Apr 4, 2019
642
Greater Toronto Area
This was sad to read. I thought I had low self esteem and a doormat personality. OP you need to get a job, get a lawyer and prepare for the worst. You've spent an entire decade with a person who by your own words didn't love you. So why spend any more time with her?

The kids can survive with two moms.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
I don't disagree with you there, it doesn't sound feasible long term, but nothing about this thread suggests he is trolling and you directly said he was 'taking advantage' and another poster is calling him a 'parasite' so I'm not sure what you expected people to get from that other than you and a few other posters expressing extremely backwards views on gender relations. If you didn't mean that then like...don't say it?
I worded wrong I tend to do that I just mean the ex and new girl gonna see it that way , she trying to move him to a house with just him and kids she phasing him out if he cant see that then lol
 

Zefah

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,894
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.

The proposed cruelty is that they’ll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
That's the point where you think what is happening is cruel? I cannot believe this thread...
 

Zefah

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,894
lol, if genders were reversed nobody would even question this decision.

That being said, you should start looking into a trade school or a certificate because at some point or another they are gonna put you out.
If genders were reversed it would also be a clear cut case of a "toxic husband" who lost interest in the relationship after kids entered the picture and the wife would be rightfully entitled to a clean divorce, asset split, and ongoing alimony payments.
 

Wispmetas

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
2,481
Yeah, when a relationship reaches the "hey lets be poli" point. It is probably already over but none have the courage to break things off. It's cheating without cheating.

I would try to get a professional education or something OP, you need learn some trade to stop being dependent on everyone else. Right now you're depending on your now ex-wife, and when this ends you're telling me you'll be dependent on your mother's job or something, that's not good.

Learn how to cook, learn a skill, get out of this situation and finally own your life dude. You deserve that at least.
 

tatsu123

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,266
If genders were reversed it would also be a clear cut case of a "toxic husband" who lost interest in the relationship after kids entered the picture and the wife would be rightfully entitled to a clean divorce, asset split, and ongoing alimony payments.
EXACTLY! And I don’t give a fuck about polyamorous relationships, if it works for you, awesome! Hell that sounds cool. New pussy... but my girl would never go for it, lol. That said. the OP has four children, no job with this woman who is not in love with him and seems to be leading him on. I hope he doesn’t think they REALLY want him in that duplex, rent free. Get a clue, OP. Make moves and be out. It’s better for your mental health, my g.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
EXACTLY! And I don’t give a fuck about polyamorous relationships, if it works for you, awesome! Hell that sounds cool. New pussy... but my girl would never go for it, lol. That said. the OP has four children, no job with this woman who is not in love with him and seems to be leading him on. I hope he doesn’t think they REALLY want him in that duplex, rent free. Get a clue, OP. Make moves and be out. It’s better for your mental health, my g.
No, I'd be paying for it as well. That has been discussed. The stay at home situation is not permanent.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
No, I'd be paying for it as well. That has been discussed. The stay at home situation is not permanent.
Why would you move into a duplex beside that if you have to pay lmao bruh get yo ish together get a lil distance even if it's a few blocks down like bruh chill, that's gonna be hella awkward explaining this situation to future partners it makes you like bad but do you if you happy
 

Wispmetas

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
2,481
Why would you move into a duplex beside that if you have to pay lmao bruh get yo ish together get a lil distance even if it's a few blocks down like bruh chill, that's gonna be hella awkward explaining this situation to future partners it makes you like bad but do you if you happy
Me reading this post:
 

RedMercury

Member
Dec 24, 2017
7,535
She was when this started.
Ah I gotcha. So, being totally honest, cards on the table, I assume you're still attracted to her right? You say you love her so that's just assuming, do you still find it hot that she's giving you at least some level of attention even though she's with someone else, and if so is that contributing at all to you wanting to be close? Also, are you harboring any hope at all that this relationship may not work out and she would possibly go back to you?
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Why would you move into a duplex beside that if you have to pay lmao bruh get yo ish together get a lil distance even if it's a few blocks down like bruh chill, that's gonna be hella awkward explaining this situation to future partners it makes you like bad but do you if you happy
I mean I don’t feel awkward about it so it wouldn’t be awkward explaining. “Oh hey btw I live upstairs from my ex” doesn’t sound so bad.
 
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