Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]

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Wispmetas

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
2,481
I mean I don’t feel awkward about it so it wouldn’t be awkward explaining. “Oh hey btw I live upstairs from my ex” doesn’t sound so bad.
I'm guessing the reason you want to stay near her is because of the children right?

Don't get me wrong, I mean no offense. But english not being my first language, reading all the "ish" and "bruh" like words was quite confusing haha I found it fun.
 

Clefargle

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,694
Limburg
I mean I don’t feel awkward about it so it wouldn’t be awkward explaining. “Oh hey btw I live upstairs from my ex” doesn’t sound so bad.
My god buddy, don’t put yourself in that position. Give yourself some room to branch out. If you’re paying for it then it should be your own place. You can live a couple of minutes away and still see your kids all the time. Get joint custody.
 

Rayne

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,716
OP please see a lawyer.

Just to know what options you have.

Also please move out. You're gonna want to have your own space where they can't drag you into any arguments they get into. (especially once that honeymoon phase is over).
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
I'm guessing the reason you want to stay near her is because of the children right?



Don't get me wrong, I mean no offense. But english not being my first language, reading all the "ish" and "bruh" like words was quite confusing haha I found it fun.
You good ish just means shit and bruh means = friend, homie,cuz, etc it's a black thing no worries
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
Ah I gotcha. So, being totally honest, cards on the table, I assume you're still attracted to her right? You say you love her so that's just assuming, do you still find it hot that she's giving you at least some level of attention even though she's with someone else, and if so is that contributing at all to you wanting to be close? Also, are you harboring any hope at all that this relationship may not work out and she would possibly go back to you?
Yes, and she’s been putting more effort into her appearance over the past year or so and I’m more attracted to her than ever. I don’t really find normal interactions with her “hot” though? But I like hanging out with her.

No. Even if they break up I don’t want to get back together. There is no romantic future for us now.
 

Notaskwid

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,698
Osaka
You can't do this duplex shit. Come on OP... You need to break free. We know you don't want to lose your kids, that's why you need to be talking to a lawyer. Now.
Your wife and her partner have the means to provide you a soft landing, not this thing where you live under their roof. That's why you need to be talking to a lawyer. Now.
 

Charcoal

Member
Nov 2, 2017
1,013
I understand typing this out and discussing it with others here on era is a good outlet for dealing with this, but you need to see professional help, OP.

Nearly everything that has been brought up you've downplayed. Whether you realize it now or not, the life you had and are planning to have with your ex is over.
 

Zefah

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,894
He is entitled to that, the people calling the OP a parasite are showing their asses.
No, I totally get it from one perspective. If he doesn't start asserting his legal rights, then effectively that is what he will quickly become to his ex and her partner (maybe that will change if he learns to cook, though).
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
I understand typing this out and discussing it with others here on era is a good outlet for dealing with this, but you need to see professional help, OP.

Nearly everything that has been brought up you've downplayed. Whether you realize it now or not, the life you had and are planning to have with your ex is over.
I do have an appointment with a therapist.
 
Oct 25, 2017
12,219
Sweden
living with your ex and her new partner is not going to be good for your mental health

the longer you wait to get legal advice, the harder it will probably be to assert your rights

you need to get out of that situation as fast as possible. there is no shame in living with / working for your mother while getting back on your feet. that is clearly a much better option than your current situation
 

Zefah

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,894
living with your ex and her new partner is not going to be good for your mental health

the longer you wait to get legal advice, the harder it will probably be to assert your rights

you need to get out of that situation as fast as possible. there is no shame in living with / working for your mother while getting back on your feet. that is clearly a much better option than your current situation
I do hope you listen to this poster!

I know you want to be there for your kids and that is super commendable, but you really need to put yourself in a better situation to make sure you can do that in the long term.

You do not want to live at the whims of someone who obviously does not care a whole lot for you.
 

Son Lamar

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,790
Alabama
This thread lol OP a wild boy seems like such a bad situation and yes all happy go lucky head 1st the curb your enthusiasm music will be on point when this blows up I truly hope toy get out man before you invest anything more into
 
Oct 27, 2017
6,373
Bandung Indonesia
Sorry to be blunt, but "For the kids" really sounds just like an excuse to not act.

Well... from what I'm reading it seems like the OP is still wanting his situation to continue on, unchanging, regardless of what people are saying here.... so yeah, well, hopefully everything will turn out ok... though I don't see how... especially for the kids.
 
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petitmelon

Member
Oct 25, 2017
237
Texas
Sorry to be blunt, but "For the kids" really sounds just like an excuse to not act.

Well... from what I'm reading it seems like the OP is still wanting his situation to continue on, unchanging, regardless of what people are saying here.... so yeah, well, hopefully everything will turn out ok... though I don't see how... especially for the kids.
The more he replies the more I'm getting this impression too.
 

Lorcain

Member
Oct 27, 2017
334
OP you probably figured this out, but there have been several ERA attorneys contributing to your thread wanting to help you, but very limited in what they can actually say or recommend. What they've all recommended is that you consult with a divorce/family attorney asap. The first consultation often times is free.

Even in you don't feel the need or sense of urgency to do this now, please still schedule a consultation asap just to empower you with the knowledge you will need to navigate the waters ahead. Laws and guidelines exist to protect you and ensure you can leave knowing that you'll have financial support.
 

deepFlaw

Member
Oct 25, 2017
13,404
I’m only a few pages in, so maybe I’m missing some dramatic turn, but uh... So far I’m just kinda astonished at the way people are openly posting about this?

Do I think continuing this situation will end up being healthy for OP or his kids? Not really, if only due to the jealousy. It doesn’t sound sustainable.

But seeing people casually frame this entirely as some like... “your ex is out to get you, she’s going to kick you out into the streets while she’s fucking some else” shit is just gross. There’s clearly a whole lot of issues with the relationship from the start; there’s a lot more going on here than whatever “crazy ex” story that’s already being imagined in advance. It’s bizarre to see.
 

Zefah

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,894
I’m only a few pages in, so maybe I’m missing some dramatic turn, but uh... So far I’m just kinda astonished at the way people are openly posting about this?

Do I think continuing this situation will end up being healthy for OP or his kids? Not really, if only due to the jealousy. It doesn’t sound sustainable.

But seeing people casually frame this entirely as some like... “your ex is out to get you, she’s going to kick you out into the streets while she’s fucking some else” shit is just gross. There’s clearly a whole lot of issues with the relationship from the start; there’s a lot more going on here than whatever “crazy ex” story that’s already being imagined in advance. It’s bizarre to see.
I didn't interpret any of the posts as "crazy ex." More like "ex who understandably will probably want to move on at some point."
 

Grug

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,436
But seeing people casually frame this entirely as some like... “your ex is out to get you, she’s going to kick you out into the streets while she’s fucking some else” shit is just gross. There’s clearly a whole lot of issues with the relationship from the start; there’s a lot more going on here than whatever “crazy ex” story that’s already being imagined in advance. It’s bizarre to see.
This is a very extreme, bad faith misinterpretation of what the vast majority of posters are saying.
 

deepFlaw

Member
Oct 25, 2017
13,404
This is a very extreme, bad faith misinterpretation of what the vast majority of posters are saying.
Having now read half the thread, there are plenty of posters who meant well.

There are also plenty of posters who immediately jumped into some “she’s manipulating you while she fucks someone else behind your back, this is all by design, you’re getting kicked out” shit, despite anything the OP posted indicating otherwise. At least some of the people who went too far into the “what kind of man are you” stuff seemingly got moderated.

I’m not saying OP made good decisions or that this was handled well by anyone involved. But you can handle things poorly without being malicious.
 

Depths

Member
Oct 25, 2017
962
I have to say that I have to respect OP for remaining calm through all these comments because I wouldn't have. You still have to get out of this shit for you and your kids (that's a super fucked up environment for them to grow up in). Drop that whole duplex idea.
 

Daingurse

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,741
AZ
You need to definitely take some time to work on yourself, and get out of this living situation OP. Even if you're fine now, this scenario sounds like it will slowly eat you alive. Your resentment will continue to grow with your current level of self-efficacy. I know what it's like to have low self-worth, and I see it all over your posts.

Please see a therapist as soon as possible.
 

mutantmagnet

Member
Oct 28, 2017
7,552
Unfortunately after page 6 I've noticed a huge increase in hostile advice and it doesn't surprise me because men aren't going to be as understanding of stay at home fathers as women are of being a stay at home parent in general.

I strongly suggest going to a forum where more women frequent it for a more balanced gender perspective.




The advice on reset has generally been good but they don't have to call you a leech when they wouldn't do the same if you were a woman.
 

Futaleufu

Member
Jan 12, 2018
1,174
User Banned (1 Week): Hostility and Inappropriate Language; Ignoring Staff Post; Accumulated Infractions
Get the hell out of there or kick both of them out. Playing cuck in your own home will end up destroying your self steem for good and ultimately your life.
 

Radeo

Member
Apr 26, 2019
724
Can't believe this is still going. I had a whole thing typed out but honestly I don't want to share my own experiences so all I'll say is, as someone who has gone through something similar, get some space and get some support. I don't know what your deal is with your mom, but if it's ego stopping you, you need to let that go right now. You don't need to live under the same roof to take care of the kids during the day. If you really want to stick to looking after them for now, go look at doing some online courses as well, because from the sounds of things you're going to REALLY struggle when you actually try to get your own income. Or some part time work/university. Just do SOMETHING, because right now you're acting like a child getting pampered. I was sympathetic at first, but the more follow-ups I read, the more I feel like you're not taking this seriously. Yes, it feels comfortable for now, but you really need to get some independence and agency. As for what you actually contribute? I'm not convinced, because you've already admitted you don't have much experience and you don't cook, and that you've struggled with depression. Yeah that sucks, I get it, I've had schizophrenia and depression since I was a kid but didn't try therapy until about a year and a half ago. And even just sticking with therapy is difficult, I've been on and off it constantly.

I'm rambling, all I mean is that you can still have your own life and still be in your kids' (and ex if you want to keep it friendly) lives without physically being there constantly.
 

MilesQ

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,570
I have to say that I have to respect OP for remaining calm through all these comments because I wouldn't have. You still have to get out of this shit for you and your kids (that's a super fucked up environment for them to grow up in). Drop that whole duplex idea.
OP seems generally apathetic from his posts.

OP, I'm glad you're at least considering a lawyer now, but I don't know why you want to wait until formal divorce proceedings. At least contact one lawyer, just to protect your interests, if not monetary, than at least those related to your kids.

And while I don't want to pry into your therapy sessions, have you brought any of this up to your therapist? do they think your current living situation is good for your mental well-being?
 

Chairmanchuck

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,113
China
I read all 15 pages and one thing I do not understand. Why cant you cook? You are a stay-at-home dad and you can do a lot to improve yourself.
Cooking is never easier than nowadays. YouTube videos, thousands of recipes online, stuff like KitchenAid etc.

And reading your posts it honestly does not even seem you are interested in improving yourself. There are no people who "cant cook" if they dont want to.
There are no people who "cant get an education" if they dont want to, especially in the western world.
 

Stephen Home

Banned
Dec 17, 2018
656
I read all 15 pages and one thing I do not understand. Why cant you cook? You are a stay-at-home dad and you can do a lot to improve yourself.
Cooking is never easier than nowadays. YouTube videos, thousands of recipes online, stuff like KitchenAid etc.

And reading your posts it honestly does not even seem you are interested in improving yourself. There are no people who "cant cook" if they dont want to.
There are no people who "cant get an education" if they dont want to, especially in the western world.
Yeah why did his ex wife put up with him if he stay home and didn't bother to cook. It's easier than changing diapers.

Also the thread title talks about "seven year itch" stuff but the marriage is clearly at the "divorce and protect your life interest" stage. OP is in denial.
 
Oct 27, 2017
6,373
Bandung Indonesia
Unfortunately after page 6 I've noticed a huge increase in hostile advice and it doesn't surprise me because men aren't going to be as understanding of stay at home fathers as women are of being a stay at home parent in general.
This is not even about him being a stay at home father, not really. If you think people are giving him a hard time because of him trying to become a stay at home father... you really are missing out.

The whole situation is bonkers, and his situation is precarious, no two ways about it.
 

Radeo

Member
Apr 26, 2019
724
This is not even about him being a stay at home father, not really. If you think people are giving him a hard time because of him trying to become a stay at home father... you really are missing out.

The whole situation is bonkers, and his situation is precarious, no two ways about it.
Seriously, there's some really disingenuous posters trying to twist everything to be about them. He needs to get into education/employment, and he needs his own space.
 

Proxy-Pie

Member
Apr 3, 2018
113
Even though you do have some rights to the house based on my limited knowledge, but IMO the far more important thing is your kids.

You really don't want to miss out on this. I've seen it happen to some friends where they got very limited custody because they kept acting in good faith while their ex planned things. One of them moved back to his parents' place while the kids stayed with the mom, which gave her a major advantage in the settlement later on.

You really need to look into a lawyer. Don't make this hostile if it's not necessary, but in my experience a lot of people get really irrational once they're divorced and don't have affection for their ex anymore.
 

Mathieran

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,447
OP, you seem like a really nice person and I hope everything works out for you. I am not there so I am not gonna pretend to know what your ex and her current partner intend for the future. I’m sure they aren’t malicious people but don’t put all your faith in them. Just be prepared for the worst. You can see a lawyer without telling them or even taking action.

You also mention that you have student loans but not a degree. Maybe you could resume your education and finish your degree. Perhaps you could do some online classes to get the ball rolling.

Good luck. Keep us updated
 

mutantmagnet

Member
Oct 28, 2017
7,552
This is not even about him being a stay at home father, not really. If you think people are giving him a hard time because of him trying to become a stay at home father... you really are missing out.

The whole situation is bonkers, and his situation is precarious, no two ways about it.
I've already said as much in my previous reactions this is bonkers. I'm fully aware that people are taking into account that he is sharing space with his ex and the girlfriend and that he has been too complacent.

What you fail to notice are the various insults that would never be thrown at a woman for being in a similar situation.

Seriously, there's some really disingenuous posters trying to twist everything to be about them. He needs to get into education/employment, and he needs his own space.
I only need to highlight the obvious stupidity in your rational.

Learn to read and write better than this.
 

Clefargle

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,694
Limburg
I've already said as much in my previous reactions this is bonkers. I'm fully aware that people are taking into account that he is sharing space with his ex and the girlfriend and that he has been too complacent.

What you fail to notice are the various insults that would never be thrown at a woman for being in a similar situation.



I only need to highlight the obvious stupidity in your rational.

Learn to read and write better than this.
It’s spelled “rationale

Maybe learn to read/write better before you criticize others.
 

Big-E

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,429
Not cooking is bonkers. That is like one of the most important jobs for a stay at home parent. I can't imagine what the ex would feel if after a long day at work, your kids and their father depended on you to cook for them.

What so you do for kids meals when your ex ain't there? You mentioned instapot but had the caveat of needing detailed instructions so that doesn't sound like you do it very often.

All the advice given has been good but cooking needs to be the priority. Start with making real easy stuff like grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese. Stuff kids usually like.
 
OP
OP
theotherMittens
Jul 20, 2018
2,672
. d
Not cooking is bonkers. That is like one of the most important jobs for a stay at home parent. I can't imagine what the ex would feel if after a long day at work, your kids and their father depended on you to cook for them.

What so you do for kids meals when your ex ain't there? You mentioned instapot but had the caveat of needing detailed instructions so that doesn't sound like you do it very often.

All the advice given has been good but cooking needs to be the priority. Start with making real easy stuff like grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheese. Stuff kids usually like.
I can make grilled cheese sandwiches and macaroni and cheeae, eggs, and other basic shit like that. I make pasta, heat barbecue ribs and stuff like that in the instant pot. When I say I can't cook I don't mean I literally can't prepare any food. I just don't consider stuff like that really cooking.

She likes making dinner when she gets home from work. She gets home early enough that it isn't a problem for her to do it. I do have to make dinner about twice a week, which is generally when I use the instant pot. I keep instructions saved on my phone even for things I make all the time, and I have to look at them every time.
 
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