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Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]
- Thread starter theotherMittens
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This is how I know I'm old. I can't relate to this stuff. My wife will not bring the new lover into our house. Will not happen. That's what divorce is for, we just go out separate ways.
That's a lot to take in. I can't offer advice, but I feel for you and the kids. How are they handling it?
Are you planning to stay in the house with your ex and her girlfriend long term?
Are you planning to stay in the house with your ex and her girlfriend long term?
I know how you feel. My girlfriend of a few years broke up with me a few weeks ago and in the end it was for similar issues; we had different priorities from each other and for her she seemed to be more in love with the kind of life we could have (home, kids, happy family stability and all that) than she was with me as a person, and I couldn't live up to the standards she set up for me and for herself.
But for you, all I can say is that you deserve to be with someone who will be with you for who you are, and that you shouldn't feel bad for wanting that.
But for you, all I can say is that you deserve to be with someone who will be with you for who you are, and that you shouldn't feel bad for wanting that.
OP
OP
It's her house lol, I ain't on the mortgage. I couldn't do anything to prevent her coming in if I wanted to. My only choice is to stay or go.
Sorry to hear this. But staying in the same house for the kids sake is the worse thing you can do for your self and the Kids. You need to move out ASAP for your own mental health.
I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be living with them while their madly in love and you watch on like a loser. That seems insensitive but jeez I know how it feels to have bad social skills and anxiety and self blaming but stop seeing everything as your fault.
You make it sound Iike you're the ultimate charity case and you were a long 10 year mistake tricking her into marriage and children the whole time. I think you should see a therapist and go to the gym. Stop getting walked on dude, move on.
You make it sound Iike you're the ultimate charity case and you were a long 10 year mistake tricking her into marriage and children the whole time. I think you should see a therapist and go to the gym. Stop getting walked on dude, move on.
Best advice I can give is don't do this. If you're already torn up about what's happening, this will kill you. And most likely affect your kids. They pick up on more than you think.
If it's up to you to stay or go, you should start making plans to go.
Tough stuff OP. Sucks you guys had kids before you figured all this stuff out. Are you both like 28 or something?
i'm sorry, your ex-wife's new girlfriend is moving in with you both? bruh...... this doesn't sound like it'll work out
OP
OP
Only the first one is old enough to have an inkling of what's going on (the others are four and three and three) and he's fine with it. He knew about the girlfriend before we split up. He knows that we're getting divorced but since we all live together doesn't mind. All kids get along well with the girlfriend
Uh, not really, after 10 years married you would be entitled to something on the mortgage or not. Especially depending on what state you are in. When you get divorced, you should get a lawyer.
Man I'm 23 and have had a weird last five years but honestly, that's a step too far.
Look OP, I've seen it done. Or rather, I've seen it attempted. It's just going to elongate the pain, and it really wears on your psyche to have to live in that environment, even if it seems "fine" initially. I know a random internet comment isn't going to push you in either direction, but I hope it's something you've been considering.
I feel for you. You will come out of this no matter what. Stay strong, and know that you won't be able to 100% of the time and that's okay.
OP
OP
I've been gymming it up and eating healthier for a while now. Lost about thirty pounds. Been on antidepressants for a year, seeing a therapist next month. Even that was planned before the breakup. I've got some issues
Come on man have some self-respect. Don't put up with this shit.
Go and do your best for your kids because staying in this relationship as is ain't good for them either.
Go and do your best for your kids because staying in this relationship as is ain't good for them either.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, but from the outside it sounds like your ex-wife is taking advantage of it, whether she's aware of it or not. Like was said earlier in the thread, get a lawyer and see what your options are. Don't put yourself through this. You might think it's what is in the kids best interest, but you also have to consider that it's not going to be healthy for them to see their father miserable because he mentally destroyed himself trying to do the right thing.
The only thing I can suggest is trying meditation. At least it helped with my severe case of social anxiety. Best of luck to you and growing stronger from all this.
You've been married 10 years, do you think that matters? Get a lawyer, get a divorce, and get your share. Or be a doormat and live with your wife and her girlfriend, which is completely healthy.
If you've got the cash for it and are interested in close proximity for sake of the kids, I'd recommend you look for some sort of duplex arrangement, either by remodeling the existing home or by buying a new one in the area. I really don't think you should share a living space with someone you're not over yet while seeing them passionately in love with someone else.
I'll second the fact that, any regrets or resentments you have, the kids are going to pick up on. Seriously. You really need to consider your mental health in a major way if you want to be there for the kids. Being there for the kids IS being a steward of your own personal well-being.
I'll second the fact that, any regrets or resentments you have, the kids are going to pick up on. Seriously. You really need to consider your mental health in a major way if you want to be there for the kids. Being there for the kids IS being a steward of your own personal well-being.
OP I'm sorry but this is funny man you need to get out the of that house in the end she gets her happy family and you get nothing? Like come on man yall wild
Everybody has issues, but you don't sound too happy that your wife has her lover in the house. Just because she pays the mortgage doesn't mean you shoulda have let her gf move in. You gotta raise that confidence up, you're desperate for that attention even if it comes in the form of pity.
The way you write and explain the situation is If you owe her for the time you "wasted" so you gotta sound stick around like a chump even if it makes you look sad, you don't owe that! She owes you decency dog.
So is your wife gay or bi because I'm assuming she's bi.
Came in here expecting to read the usual relationship stuff, express some sympathy maybe relate a bit judging from the thread title.
OP you're really underselling your story man. That was a hell of a swerve and escalation.
I know you think you can be okay with it but actual physical distance can help even more. You can work out all your other issues on your own WITHOUT the added misery of your ex's being around you. That's a net plus from where I'm standing.
OP you're really underselling your story man. That was a hell of a swerve and escalation.
This is where you lost me. Get out of there OP, what's even holding you back?
I know you think you can be okay with it but actual physical distance can help even more. You can work out all your other issues on your own WITHOUT the added misery of your ex's being around you. That's a net plus from where I'm standing.
That's rough OP. Although I'm happy your ex seems to have found she can fully love now, even if it hurts that it isn't you.
Do you honestly think that neither party thought about the children?
So he can do things like move out without any compensation? Not good advice.
My boy let this man know cause that's exactly what's happening
Wait, is your exwife just dating that other person and not helping with her kids at all? You're not just staying there and having to watch them wave their relationship in front of you, but you're also the only person taking care of four kids?
This doesn't sound healthy for you at all. Your exwife sounds like she's just moving on with her life and leaving you to handle everything she's leaving behind. I agree with the other people saying that everyone living under one roof like this isn't a viable long term solution and will slowly kill you if you try to stick with it.
There's nothing left in this relationship for you except your kids.
This doesn't sound healthy for you at all. Your exwife sounds like she's just moving on with her life and leaving you to handle everything she's leaving behind. I agree with the other people saying that everyone living under one roof like this isn't a viable long term solution and will slowly kill you if you try to stick with it.
There's nothing left in this relationship for you except your kids.
I think you should probably move out and get an amicable divorce, then stay nearby for your kids. That's probably what would be best for you and everyone else. No need to be angry at your wife or to stop being friendly with them (that's actually preferable for your kids' sake) but it would be easier for you to move on if you had your own place.
Even if you think you might have accepted all of these changes, this is a situation you should talk to a therapist about.
He girlfriend moving in with you seems like a pretty big boundary violation. You're being very understanding, be sure to keep your needs in mind as well.
Sorry you're going through this.
Sorry you're going through this.
Yeah get yours my dude, stop being a punk and getting walked on.
Word.
OP
OP
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
This is a nightmare scenario.
As hard as it is, you should leave, go to therapy, see your kids a lot.
As hard as it is, you should leave, go to therapy, see your kids a lot.
oh fuck
Your ex and her new lover are going to kick you out eventually. You know that right?
Uh.....
UHHHHH.....
If you're legitimately, actually happy, more power to you, but what on earth am I reading.
You gotta be a dad to your kids, sure, but unless your soon-to-be ex-wife is cool with you also bringing someone in the house, you're gonna need to get the heck out of there.
I know you're 'comfortable' with the known quantity that is your house and kids, but.....geez.
To be frank, her girlfriend is moving in with her, not with 'the both of you' - you just aren't leaving.
Also, just to be clear, were you not interested in the concept of monogamy because you feel it's not actually a 'thing'? Or did you at some point in the past 'want' to see other people when your wife wasn't 'IN' love with you?
....Well, in the end it's your call, but don't feel like that's your only option forever.
OP
OP
No. She's still living here and helping with the kids no problem. She's not leaving anything behind.
I mean....you gave her the ok to go be with someone else what did you think was going to happen.
Get yourself a good lawyer. I know you still love her but she does not love you (or even respects you?) You're going to have to get a divorce. That sucks, you will be heart broken for a long time but you will get over it and you will eventually find someone that loves you on a more consistent basis. You know how you felt to finally be wanted after years of not feeling that way? What if I told you, that you could have that all the time....with the right person. This sounds harsh but you have to move on, get yourself.....and the children a therapist as well. You'll need it to get shit off your chest to someone in person, a internet forum is not a substitute for that. The kids may need it because well....you don't know what impact this may eventually have on them.
God speed OP and very sorry this has to happen to you.
P.s. : that whole "I know it wasn't her fault". That's the love talking, you two were married....MARRIED... That is supposed to like mean something....you may have fucked up by not reading the signs but she ain't innocent.
Get yourself a good lawyer. I know you still love her but she does not love you (or even respects you?) You're going to have to get a divorce. That sucks, you will be heart broken for a long time but you will get over it and you will eventually find someone that loves you on a more consistent basis. You know how you felt to finally be wanted after years of not feeling that way? What if I told you, that you could have that all the time....with the right person. This sounds harsh but you have to move on, get yourself.....and the children a therapist as well. You'll need it to get shit off your chest to someone in person, a internet forum is not a substitute for that. The kids may need it because well....you don't know what impact this may eventually have on them.
God speed OP and very sorry this has to happen to you.
P.s. : that whole "I know it wasn't her fault". That's the love talking, you two were married....MARRIED... That is supposed to like mean something....you may have fucked up by not reading the signs but she ain't innocent.
Thanks for explaining. I can understand why you wouldn't want to move out. Certainly making this situation adversarial is not what anyone wants. But what's the long term plan?
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