So do you feel like the only option is to continue being a stay at home dad no matter the cost of yourself? It feels wrong to me to have all the responsibilities fall on your shoulders. I understand you're probably comfortable with it all because you're used to it, but just know you do have a choice. I truly hope you're taking your own mental health into consideration and I also understand your mindset that the kids need to come first. However, kids can and will pick up on certain aspects of your life. No matter what happy face you put on in front of them you won't know how they're affected by your living situation until they've already grown up. I still strongly feel you should try to go at life without your wife's house , money and insurance no matter how impossible that might sound. But just know you absolutely have a choice and you aren't stuck. Seriously best of luck to you.
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Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]
- Thread starter theotherMittens
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So do you feel like the only option is to continue being a stay at home dad no matter the cost of yourself? It feels wrong to me to have all the responsibilities fall on your shoulders. I understand you're probably comfortable with it all because you're used to it, but just know you do have a choice. I truly hope you're taking your own mental health into consideration and I also understand your mindset that the kids need to come first. However, kids can and will pick up on certain aspects of your life. No matter what happy face you put on in front of them you won't know how they're affected by your living situation until they've already grown up. I still strongly feel you should try to go at life without your wife's house , money and insurance no matter how impossible that might sound. But just know you absolutely have a choice and you aren't stuck. Seriously best of luck to you.
Reality won't wait for your excuses. You are needed until you are not, which can happen tomorrow. You should be doing job hunting right now. You are simply not realizing how precarious your situation is.
This all sounds like you're being phased out over a couple of years.
In the meanwhile, keep searching for a woman that you have more in common with and who you could really have a loving relationship with. The relationship is open for you as well. Learn how to cook and find a job. Don't be pushed in a situation where you are merely a convenient babysitter for two people in love.
In the meanwhile, keep searching for a woman that you have more in common with and who you could really have a loving relationship with. The relationship is open for you as well. Learn how to cook and find a job. Don't be pushed in a situation where you are merely a convenient babysitter for two people in love.
Motherfucker, you have no job, skills, income, and all u do is watch the kids, they can pay someone to do your job, or get a friend to to watch the kids ( you are equivallent to that). You are not needed if you are expendable
I did not expect to read something like this today, but well i'll give you my 2 cents.
I suck at relationships, i'm no expert but this is not healthy for anyone: i'll just leave the all "married to a lesbian" thing aside for a moment, but the arrangement you set up with you ex-wife and her new lover is wrong in every concivable way.
Please think about yourself and your mental health, this will fuck you up in the long run.
Work on yourself starting now, it will be hard and you'll spit blood, but you have no choice. Get a job and get the hell out of that house!
I suck at relationships, i'm no expert but this is not healthy for anyone: i'll just leave the all "married to a lesbian" thing aside for a moment, but the arrangement you set up with you ex-wife and her new lover is wrong in every concivable way.
Please think about yourself and your mental health, this will fuck you up in the long run.
Work on yourself starting now, it will be hard and you'll spit blood, but you have no choice. Get a job and get the hell out of that house!
It's good of you to be there for the kids. Take care of yourself and do what's right for you though, because unhappy people can't give kids what they need. You should invest in yourself and prepare to be a completely independent person, because at some point the situation will change.
What a situation.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a polyamorous relationship to me, it sounds like the two women in a relationship and you, floating around like a spare part in the background. I just get the sensation that eventually you're going to get squeezed out because neither of them will want you around long term.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a polyamorous relationship to me, it sounds like the two women in a relationship and you, floating around like a spare part in the background. I just get the sensation that eventually you're going to get squeezed out because neither of them will want you around long term.
OP
OP
If I DO get kicked out I can live with my mom and work for my mom and I'll live but that would be the worst case scenario and isn't something I'm aiming for. I do have a safety net, technically. It's just one that I hate more than anything.
I guess saying "throw myself on the streets" was hyperbole considering.
I guess saying "throw myself on the streets" was hyperbole considering.
OP
OP
No, it isn't. It was for a short time, but it's not anymore. They are a couple and I am single.
Others have already said this but it bears repeating.
You have to move out, lawyer up and get a proper divorce. This situation you are putting yourself in is going to fuck you up.
You have to move out, lawyer up and get a proper divorce. This situation you are putting yourself in is going to fuck you up.
They are not going to want your presence around forever, even if they both enjoy you. They will want their own space, to do things their way. It does not take 3 parents to raise children. Not saying to remove yourself from the house immediately, but take steps so you're not SOL when they begin to phase you out. Because they will. It will one thousand percent happen.
This sounds like the setup for a Mrs Doubtfire reboot.
But honestly there is good advice here. Don't make us read a new thread in a few months about how you got fucked over because you ignored all the smart people here.
But honestly there is good advice here. Don't make us read a new thread in a few months about how you got fucked over because you ignored all the smart people here.
OP
OP
I believe that a certain point she realized she wasn't into me on a romantic level, which is why she stopped saying that. She still always loved me in that she cares for me and wants me to be happy. Maybe that's not what you mean when you talk about your relationship, I don't know.
OP
OP
Sorry if I'm being dismissive of a lot of what's being said in this thread. I do value it all even if I'm saying "nah" right now. Some of it isn't what I want to hear and that's hard but I get where you're coming from.
User Banned (Permanent): Misogyny
I don't want to sound like some bitter red pill dude, but:
That's like every relationship that went further than a fling I have ever witnessed and experienced myself.
After a time it's not about you and her anymore, but about establishing and maintaining that "little company" that is your family.
I think women are just wired that way.
Deal with it.
Sure she cares you have a long history together but caring ain't loving. I care about my plants but i sure don't love them. I care about friends but love is something very different. That you can't discern between this is part of your emotional problems, you are projecting your own feelings onto her while being disconnected from your own emotions and needs.
As you stated in the op you thought she loves you but now you have to realize that she never truly did. She surely cares about you but that will only go so far.
Your Ex has her own emotional problems she has to come to terms with no wonder after such a long relationship especially with 4 kids.
On a side note do you think they can afford daycare when her new partner moves in and has a job? If so what are you needed for then?
Dude.
Get a lawyer.
Move out. Move back in with your mother and start making moves to provide for your children down the line.
You lost the chance to choose what is convenient for yourself once the kids came into the picture. Now you take moves that ensure things work out for them.
This happy medium you have reached (if it is real), will not last. Not while you continue to be an expense...especially if you aren't required to take care of the kids full-time anymore.
Oh man. This situation is not good for you. Not good for your kids. And I can guarantee you that the girlfriend doesn't want you around/is counting down how soon until she can shuffle you out of there.
Don't psyche yourself up into stating in such a shitty situation. You're trying to logic/reason yourself into some nonsense that may seem mature to you...but it's not.
Get a lawyer.
Move out. Move back in with your mother and start making moves to provide for your children down the line.
You lost the chance to choose what is convenient for yourself once the kids came into the picture. Now you take moves that ensure things work out for them.
This happy medium you have reached (if it is real), will not last. Not while you continue to be an expense...especially if you aren't required to take care of the kids full-time anymore.
Oh man. This situation is not good for you. Not good for your kids. And I can guarantee you that the girlfriend doesn't want you around/is counting down how soon until she can shuffle you out of there.
Don't psyche yourself up into stating in such a shitty situation. You're trying to logic/reason yourself into some nonsense that may seem mature to you...but it's not.
Talking from my own experience , there is nothing better for ones self confidence and happiness then bouncing back from a finished relationship by going out and getting a job you don't hate and become self sustaining.
Just as everyone says 'hit the gym' after a break up (which is 100% true and you seem to have this covered) even more important for your self worth is being your own person with money coming in. From there you'll work out what you want, and be able to go get it.
Just as everyone says 'hit the gym' after a break up (which is 100% true and you seem to have this covered) even more important for your self worth is being your own person with money coming in. From there you'll work out what you want, and be able to go get it.
Well life is more bent than straight and picture perfect, lots of strange relationships like this happening all over the world.
I for one would not settle to be in this situation, i would pack my shit and leave and start over with someone else or not.
Life is too fucking short. Do what is right for you 1st and foremost and obviously be supportive to the kids.
Leave asap and dont look back
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You got to be trolling. And if not, best of luck mate and godspeed.
You're gonna want to work on yourself in a place you're comfortable with.
You'll want to talk with your wife about this. If she really cares about you, then she should understand. You'll probably want to talk to your therapist and maybe seek a marriage counsellor as well.
Don't sacrifice yourself for your kids or your wife. You deserve happiness as well. Make the steps you need however small to change yourself. Now you're stuck and that will only harm you in future.
You'll want to talk with your wife about this. If she really cares about you, then she should understand. You'll probably want to talk to your therapist and maybe seek a marriage counsellor as well.
Don't sacrifice yourself for your kids or your wife. You deserve happiness as well. Make the steps you need however small to change yourself. Now you're stuck and that will only harm you in future.
Don't work for your mom. Go get a job with no attachment to anyone or anything. That's the only way to gain independence
Unlike a lot of other posters in this thread, I think it's possible that the situation could work.
But even accepting that, you STILL need to get a lawyer. This is kind of why marriage rights exist, so that people who helped raise the kids and weren't financially independent didn't end up homeless after their partner didnt want to support them anymore.
So not to be mean but you said it yourself, this is your first and only experience with a long term relationship, and it really shows. You have to come to terms with the fact that this is not a healthy relationship and it's not your only shot at a healthy one either. You don't need to give up everything just because kids are involved, they're important but you can't care for and be a role model for them if you aren't looking after yourself.
You may have been together for a long time, but it sounds like she knew she wasn't really into it for a long time and you need to realise that it's not your fault for not seeing that. She absolutely is to blame for letting this go on for so long. I get it, it's hard and it's not black and white, I did something similar and it's cruel and does way more harm than just breaking it off early.
You need to get off this "unconventional relationship" track you've set your sights on. It's a one sided "relationship", and there is no guarantee it will even last much longer. You can be friends without living together, get out of there. Move in with family, get some space, get your head in order, surround yourself with supportive people who aren't involved with her. She may not be doing it intentionally, but she's taking advantage of you and she is not being respectful. You're also doing it to a degree as well by avoiding having to move on with your life and live for YOU. Getting some space does not mean you'll be out of the kids' lives and you need to establish some sort of routine to help get through this. Get a job, go study, go learn a trade, find a hobby, do SOMETHING that gives your week some consistency. Nothing worse than an idle mind when you're going through something.
The main thing you need to take away from this is you come first. Before her, before your kids. You don't have to sacrifice your health for anyone, and you shouldn't because ultimately you're the one constant in your life you have some control over and you should make sure you're in a position to be able to raise your kids properly. Do not use your kids as an excuse to not live, to not move on. Do not use your kids as an excuse period. You come first always.
You may have been together for a long time, but it sounds like she knew she wasn't really into it for a long time and you need to realise that it's not your fault for not seeing that. She absolutely is to blame for letting this go on for so long. I get it, it's hard and it's not black and white, I did something similar and it's cruel and does way more harm than just breaking it off early.
You need to get off this "unconventional relationship" track you've set your sights on. It's a one sided "relationship", and there is no guarantee it will even last much longer. You can be friends without living together, get out of there. Move in with family, get some space, get your head in order, surround yourself with supportive people who aren't involved with her. She may not be doing it intentionally, but she's taking advantage of you and she is not being respectful. You're also doing it to a degree as well by avoiding having to move on with your life and live for YOU. Getting some space does not mean you'll be out of the kids' lives and you need to establish some sort of routine to help get through this. Get a job, go study, go learn a trade, find a hobby, do SOMETHING that gives your week some consistency. Nothing worse than an idle mind when you're going through something.
The main thing you need to take away from this is you come first. Before her, before your kids. You don't have to sacrifice your health for anyone, and you shouldn't because ultimately you're the one constant in your life you have some control over and you should make sure you're in a position to be able to raise your kids properly. Do not use your kids as an excuse to not live, to not move on. Do not use your kids as an excuse period. You come first always.
Well, the good news is that you're already one third of the way through the official ResetEra rebound checklist! See if you can hit up a barbershop on the way to meeting with your new attorney and you could check off the "shave your head" and "lawyer up" boxes on the same day. :V
In all seriousness, I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, but I wish you the best of luck. I know that finding self-respect is easier said than done, but the dynamic you have described really does not sound healthy. You sound like a devoted father and that is wonderful, but you need to look out for yourself as well. And while the following may be true...
...it's not the foundation of a close relationship--romantic, platonic, or anything else. Wanting someone you know to be happy is nice, but it's not the same as wanting to put in the massive investment of time and emotional energy required to build a mutually supportive emotionally intimate relationship. And with all due respect to your wife, it doesn't sound like she's really offered that full investment in a long time, if ever. There's obviously a multitude of reasons why this can happen and I'm not trying to cast aspersions on her character, but it's one of the bigger red flags in your account, because it suggests that you are in a long-term pattern of ignoring or downplaying your emotional needs in favor of hers. I feel for you in this--I've struggled with it to varying degrees in most of the intimate relationships I've been in--but it's not good for you (generic you) on a very fundamental level.
Your wife is in the process of moving on. For your sake and the sake of your kids, OP, I really hope you're able to do the same. In the future, when you're not financially dependent on your wife and hopefully find emotional support from people who are more willing to reciprocate, you could very well have a mutually beneficial co-parenting dynamic with her. But that's gonna be a lot harder to pull off without independence.
I'm pretty sure if you ever meet someone again, she would be happy living with you and your mom. WTF dude. We are all looking out for you and the kids and yet you seem not interested at all in changing the environment for the sake of your kids. This is not about you. The kids are seeing it and it's going to explode at some point destroying your entire family. I hope it was worth it.
I know a guy like you and even his own mom won't take him back, because he ignored every advice sane people could give him.
Staying together for the kids is a terrible idea. Kids aren't dumb and they're resilient, better to live the life you want than needlessly suffer out of a sense of honour.
Jesus man, if you only take one thing away from this thread:
"Learn how to cook on your own"
OP, is your wife a lawyer? I believe you mentioned law school? Is her girlfriend also in a high powered job?
Anyway OP, i definitely believe that you need to get some independence away from your family and situation. The chains binding you are mental and do you know can break out of it as and when you want.
Anyway OP, i definitely believe that you need to get some independence away from your family and situation. The chains binding you are mental and do you know can break out of it as and when you want.
But is it a polyamorous thing now or is OP just the third wheel on a new relationship he has no role in?
They're most likely discussing with each other about how to get you out of the house and living on your own.
How come it sounds like she just used you for sperm/adoption cred??
Imagine if the genders were switched and she was a gay breadwinning husband who needed you as a babymaker/heir maker and then had a lover moving in and you were a codependent wife who "couldn't stop it from happening". You basically became their pitable maid and they care for you as much as they would for an employee if that much. Would that not strike you as an abusive situation?
It's a sad situation you're in. Hopefully they are going to treat you respectfully until you can become independent. And hopefully they are not mentally maladjusted because it takes a certain kind of person to think this is "okay" to do to people just because they "own the mortgage" or "are in actual love" or whatever. What kind of person thinks it's a good idea to move their mistress in? Exploitative and conniving people is what I think.
Imagine if the genders were switched and she was a gay breadwinning husband who needed you as a babymaker/heir maker and then had a lover moving in and you were a codependent wife who "couldn't stop it from happening". You basically became their pitable maid and they care for you as much as they would for an employee if that much. Would that not strike you as an abusive situation?
It's a sad situation you're in. Hopefully they are going to treat you respectfully until you can become independent. And hopefully they are not mentally maladjusted because it takes a certain kind of person to think this is "okay" to do to people just because they "own the mortgage" or "are in actual love" or whatever. What kind of person thinks it's a good idea to move their mistress in? Exploitative and conniving people is what I think.
That's not platonic then, it's unrequited love.
Do you want to be happy for yourself? If so, you've got to start implementing the recommendations given like acquiring a lawyer/looking towards employment/education, and you've got to have standards and boundaries rather than just go with the flow.
Op I am no expert on anything about any of this stuff but I was curious. Is she paying for your medication, therapy and gym as well as the place you live and the food you eat?
Like I can not imagine a situation in which your not together that it will last surely?
Like I can not imagine a situation in which your not together that it will last surely?
You haven't really thought this through. You and your ex-wife's relationship is over. This means eventually you will grow apart as her new relationship takes over her life. She might actually care for you as a friend, but if new wifey gets a new job in Buffalo and they decide to move on, you aren't going to be on the packing list.
She'll eventually give you the 'can't you move in with your family" talk, you will sheepishly agree, and they will be gone from your life unless you sue for custody.
Even in a hypothetical scenario where you start working and develop a new healthy relationship - how is this tenable in the same household? You need to formulate an exit strategy as soon as possible and start having frank discussions with the ex about how you're going to split time with your babies.
She'll eventually give you the 'can't you move in with your family" talk, you will sheepishly agree, and they will be gone from your life unless you sue for custody.
Even in a hypothetical scenario where you start working and develop a new healthy relationship - how is this tenable in the same household? You need to formulate an exit strategy as soon as possible and start having frank discussions with the ex about how you're going to split time with your babies.
OP has obviously been trolling since this post.
...this on the other hand. What the fuck? Christ, have some self respect.
I'm going to echo what others have said to you on this point already. That doesn't sound like platonic love and that doesn't sound like her loving you at all. Love, platonic or otherwise, is a two-person operation. It's a give-and-take operation, and you've been in a consistent pattern of giving to your ex-wife and getting nothing back. And honestly? Platonic love is still deeply affectionate. You still get to be sweet to someone, in that lovey-dovey way. There's still intimacy there, and there's still a tremendous investment of time and of trust in another person. If you can still trust your wife, it's because you haven't been paying attention. Or because you don't WANT to pay attention. Even if she genuinely wants you to be happy, she's certainly not willing to put in the effort to get you there, seeing as your therapy has been a recent development, and doesn't have the strength of conviction to tell you outright something you needed to hear for years. She took you at your word when you said you weren't upset by her affection towards her new partner even though, again, this isn't the case and it's obviously not the case from this thread and your own words. Expecting her to be willing to let you live in her space, continously? That's not being realistic to her needs as they've been so far, and the pattern she's displayed so far.
I'm very sorry OP, but if I might be so honest this reads like something an alt-right nut would write on 4chan to describe how leftists are "cucks". Everything in your post from the polyamorous relationship, the passive and dare I say passionless behaviour on your part, and to top it off living together with your wife's new romantic fling.
Maybe I'm reading it the wrong way, because you said the mortgage isn't on your name, and you want to stay for your kids, which would be understandable in the former case and downright commendable in the latter, but the way you've worded it gives me the vibe from the first part of my reply.
Maybe I'm extremely ignorant on these matters, because despite considering myself as left as one can go, I rarely hear about these situations.
Maybe I'm reading it the wrong way, because you said the mortgage isn't on your name, and you want to stay for your kids, which would be understandable in the former case and downright commendable in the latter, but the way you've worded it gives me the vibe from the first part of my reply.
Maybe I'm extremely ignorant on these matters, because despite considering myself as left as one can go, I rarely hear about these situations.
It's admirable you're trying to make the best of an awkward situation for the kids if nothing else. Make a thread in two years or so and let us know how it went. Whatever you do op, please to try gain some semblance of independence in your life. No job or qualifications, can't cook, no savings. You could be in a really perilous situation at any point
Good lord reading this thread is bordering on sad. OP, please talk to your therapist and recognize you are worth more than you're allowing yourself to be. This situation is fucked up and is not sustainable. 4 kids? Jesus
Move out. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to a therapist. And talk to anyone you have in your life that you trust and that has your best interests at heart. Become the best you and support your kids, and seriously dump the "relationship" with the wife.
Move out. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to a therapist. And talk to anyone you have in your life that you trust and that has your best interests at heart. Become the best you and support your kids, and seriously dump the "relationship" with the wife.
All I can say is when you say you are still living together...
I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but... seriously, are you out of your mind? Sorry again if this sound harsh but... damn, value yourself more, dude.
Even if you are in a situation where you for whatever reason can't do that, don't just accept the whole situation nily wily. Start doing something to get out from that situation. That's just sad as hell... have some pride not just as a man but as a person, dude. Your situation ain't healthy at all for you.
I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but... seriously, are you out of your mind? Sorry again if this sound harsh but... damn, value yourself more, dude.
Even if you are in a situation where you for whatever reason can't do that, don't just accept the whole situation nily wily. Start doing something to get out from that situation. That's just sad as hell... have some pride not just as a man but as a person, dude. Your situation ain't healthy at all for you.
Not gonna lie I cannot see how you've become a successful house husband for so long without being able to cook.
What do you make for your kids while your wife is out? Does she come home from work and immediately start cooking for the entire family?
What do you make for your kids while your wife is out? Does she come home from work and immediately start cooking for the entire family?
The lenghts people will go hoping they don't end up alone.
Please find some people you care about, friends, family, co-workers, anyone, and make them read your OP.
That is such an incredible series of bad decisions I cannot even imagine where to start.
Your wife is a terrible person and you are being abused mentally and cannot even see it.
Edit: also, did I get it wrong or is she on this forum as well? Can she read all of this?
Please find some people you care about, friends, family, co-workers, anyone, and make them read your OP.
That is such an incredible series of bad decisions I cannot even imagine where to start.
Your wife is a terrible person and you are being abused mentally and cannot even see it.
Edit: also, did I get it wrong or is she on this forum as well? Can she read all of this?
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