I mean my man, are you gonna have to ask for an allowance to date? You're talking about all this stuff you want to do but you don't have a source of income.
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Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]
- Thread starter theotherMittens
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I mean my man, are you gonna have to ask for an allowance to date? You're talking about all this stuff you want to do but you don't have a source of income.
But the thing is that you can't leave that easily. You should work on this now while things still are "comfortable."
Please don't be complacent about this.
OP
OP
Dude. Get a lawyer, get some fair compensation for what you've been doing for the past 10 years. Right there is your income.
Use that money to get a place to live, and a place to go to school/trades.
What your ex did to you was beyond horrible, and you deserve fair compensation.
I see a huge disconnect in just about everything OP is saying.
He says he's completely comfortable and happy with his living situation.
He's also jobless, can't cook, relies on his wife to have health insurance, feels obligated to stay for the kids, sees leaving as either becoming homeless or a living situation he says he hates with his mother.
He says he's happy for his wife and her relationship and is totally cool with the new girlfriend moving in.
He's also admitted he's still in love with his wife, unhappy and dealing with depression.
People who are happy with where they are usually aren't essentially trapped in their situation. It's like being in prison and saying, "well, this life's not bad. I get a place to sleep and free food everyday" except you are not in prison. You are free to leave but you seem completely content of just rolling with the punches life throws at you. If you're really all rainbows and sunshine about this situation, I don't know why you made this thread.
He says he's completely comfortable and happy with his living situation.
He's also jobless, can't cook, relies on his wife to have health insurance, feels obligated to stay for the kids, sees leaving as either becoming homeless or a living situation he says he hates with his mother.
He says he's happy for his wife and her relationship and is totally cool with the new girlfriend moving in.
He's also admitted he's still in love with his wife, unhappy and dealing with depression.
People who are happy with where they are usually aren't essentially trapped in their situation. It's like being in prison and saying, "well, this life's not bad. I get a place to sleep and free food everyday" except you are not in prison. You are free to leave but you seem completely content of just rolling with the punches life throws at you. If you're really all rainbows and sunshine about this situation, I don't know why you made this thread.
He's been "gymming" and jamming out on guitar with his ex's new lover. Everything is fine.
OP
OP
I'm the father of my children, what the fuck. My relationship to them didn't become null because my wife and I separated.
What she did to him? It doesn't sound like she did something knowingly heinous. What happened hurts obviously, but she was stuck in a poor relationship too. That happens to people. Depression and confusion can do a lot to people. They can try to fix things throughout. They can feel they're the inadequate ones or that there's something wrong with them. They can compare to other relationships and see something maybe isn't as bad, so it's worth sticking out. Sometimes it's just hard to see the forest from the trees.
Not that there shouldn't be some arrangements there going forward. Being a stay at home dad hampers your career and if he weren't then presumably she'd have to have someone take care of kids at least part time, so now that they've figured out they're not in a relationship some compensation going forward makes sense. It has to be fair for everyone. He is getting lodging and health insurance though and that's not nothing.
Flip the genders here. If a stay at home mother with little education or cooking skills was living with her estranged husband and his new lover, what would the reaction be?
Sounds like she conveniently went from "let's try an open thing", to "I want to be with one person now, just not you" pretty quick.
I mean, the heart wants what it wants, but she seems pretty scummy and dishonest with how she treated OP. Ideally, she would have separated from him first and then went out with her gf once some boundaries are set.
This seems ultra messy and partially manipulative
Dude this almost exactly happened to me about 6-7 years ago. Early thirties, wife came out of the closet after openly cheating for years with anything that moved, no education, 2 kids, I "stayed for the kids", lived with her and girlfriend in a shitty 2 bedroom trailer in a hillbilly trailer park. Shit, I didn't even have a driver's license lol. At least I had a job making a bit over minimum wage.
It was a total cluster fuck and lasted maybe 2-3 months before I moved back in with my folks for a few years to get my life in order. Best time of my fucking life. Lost 200 pounds (Big chunk of the way through losing again, sadly), got my license, got some certifications, got promoted. It's possible to turn this ship around but you need to understand your current situation is extremely temporary. It will implode very, very soon and in likely a very unpleasant way. Start an exit strategy.
Right now start gathering documents you might need if you don't have them; license, social security card or your national equivalent, birth certificate, legal docs you will need to prove you are a real person. Start hiding/gathering whatever cash you can in secret.
You need to move under cover of darkness, a cloak of secrecy about you, and when you finally decide to make a move you must act with full conviction. It's fucked up to say but Sun Tzu was spot on with this shit; "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." I know that seems hilariously over dramatic but, dawg, your life is about to get way more dramatic than it is even now. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. To be fore-warned is to be fore-armed. Good luck.
It was a total cluster fuck and lasted maybe 2-3 months before I moved back in with my folks for a few years to get my life in order. Best time of my fucking life. Lost 200 pounds (Big chunk of the way through losing again, sadly), got my license, got some certifications, got promoted. It's possible to turn this ship around but you need to understand your current situation is extremely temporary. It will implode very, very soon and in likely a very unpleasant way. Start an exit strategy.
Right now start gathering documents you might need if you don't have them; license, social security card or your national equivalent, birth certificate, legal docs you will need to prove you are a real person. Start hiding/gathering whatever cash you can in secret.
You need to move under cover of darkness, a cloak of secrecy about you, and when you finally decide to make a move you must act with full conviction. It's fucked up to say but Sun Tzu was spot on with this shit; "Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt." I know that seems hilariously over dramatic but, dawg, your life is about to get way more dramatic than it is even now. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. To be fore-warned is to be fore-armed. Good luck.
To me it sounds like someone that legitimately does not know what they want or need, not someone being manipulative at all.
The same. That she should get a lawyer and move out. What kind of question is that?
I've got to be real with you, OP, my sympathy for you has really eroded as you've made your follow-up posts. The lack of self-respect and willful self-denial is just mind-boggling. I don't even know what to say. If you're not out of the house and in school/training in the next six months, you're in for a soul-crushing downward spiral.
I think the fact you posted about this here at all speaks volumes. If you were fine about your current situation, you wouldn't have posted about it to seek validation on a forum.
Just parroting other responses here that you probably should get out of there. I'm pretty young so I don't have a lot of life experience to offer but this doesn't sound healthy for you in the slightest and that of course will rub off on your children.
Just parroting other responses here that you probably should get out of there. I'm pretty young so I don't have a lot of life experience to offer but this doesn't sound healthy for you in the slightest and that of course will rub off on your children.
I mean just look at the fact that:
Only the wife's name is on the mortgage
She brought in a lover to their house, and has her live within the house.
Is psychologically manipulating OP by saying she "plutonically loves" OP.
Didn't really do anything to push OP for training.
Is expecting that OP stays in the house, takes care of "her" house, and to take care of the kids with no pay.
Doesn't really give OP any compensation to be in a new career field, or for schooling.
I mean. Whether or not she has mental illness or not. This whole situation is pretty abusive actually. It's no wonder OP is in such denial.
OP, soul search a bit this weekend and think about everything.
First thing is to lock this thread and get off Era for a bit, you've got all the advice you need and soon the nasty posts and "THREAD BACKFIRE" will start and it isn't worth ruining your day over.
First thing is to lock this thread and get off Era for a bit, you've got all the advice you need and soon the nasty posts and "THREAD BACKFIRE" will start and it isn't worth ruining your day over.
This is what I meant earlier about Era not being particularly good at relationship advice. The original poster has a happy home and children, and a good relationship that obviously includes a lot of mutual respect. Nobody can say whether this will work in the long term, but a potentially unnecessary break up of the home should not be rushed into.
I can't figure out if you're being willfully obtuse just so you have an excuse to shit on Era.
Regardless, trying to paint it as a happy home with mutual respect is ignoring so many red flags I can only assume you're color blind.
OP
OP
The depression has been with me long before I knew my wife, and is still improving from where I was even a year ago. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, but now even when I have a knowable reason for being sad I'm not thinking about that at all. I'm improving.
The comments about what it would be like if I left weren't about me being unhappy about this. I can be fine living like the regardless of what my life might be like otherwise. Saying I'd hate that doesn't mean I hate this.
The thread was never about the living situation, but I felt describing it was important to explaining how I feel. Yes, I am still in love with my wife. No, she was never in love with me. That's the only part of this that's got me down. And I'd have to deal with that whether I was living with her or not.
He's obviously not happy if he's posting about it here, and he deserves to be happy just as much as anyone else.
And what about this sounds like a good relationship? He's a stay at home dad who apparently has no work experience, qualifications, income, friends, place to live, and potentially not even on good terms with his family (he mentioned living with his mom is the absolute worst case scenario but I'm not sure if that's just because he feels it's humiliating or not).
That's an awfully generous interpretation especially when OP's ex broke up w/ him very quickly after the very first date with her GF in what was supposedly an "open relationship" thing. It's justbawfully convenient that it would go down like this right after they first started discussing monogamy. It's like, if you want something open, then have that. But that supposedly still included OP in the picture. But she just wanted monogamy with someone else. That's how it reads to me at least.
Harsh. Not sure what to say or how I'd handle that as someone with a wife and two kids of my own. I'd like to think I'd draw the line at letting a lover move in with us, though. Could just be me stanning for monogamy, and maybe it's working for you somehow, but it sure sounds like you're not totally happy with the situation and probably need to at least move out if you're able.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
That happens, yes?
They're broken up though. Would it be better for her to boot OP out to have her in the house?
Is it manipulation to say something you possibly genuinely feel?
OP can push for his own training if that's what he wants. Why is she shitty for not pushing him? If she prevented it then sure.
Free rent and health insurance isn't no pay. OP hasn't said he's asked for more.
Whatever you intended this thread to be, the living situation is going to be an integral part of it. You don't get over someone by living in their house while they take a new lover.
You will have to deal with that either way, but moving out is going to make that whole thing a hell of a lot easier. Listen to people and realise that you don't have a clear head right now
Accept the reality and find strength to stand on your own feet. You can do it. And be honest with yourself first of all. Let this be the first day of "new you". Write down your priorities and act on them. Seek support from friends and family, if you can. You're stronger than you think, just have to take that first step.
You didn't read correctly then - the wife was not the one suggesting opening the relationship, OP did. The wife asked if it was okay when the forum related previous romance contacted her if he was alright if they started up, and the OP said go for it. And when she saw that it was going to be more, let the OP know pretty quickly it seems. It always sucks when people end up not feeling the same way about each other, but the wife doesn't seem to have caused pain willingly, was not the one starting the open relationship and didn't string him along when it changed. I'm not seeing how else she was meant to go about it? There's no indication she knew she was going to break up with the OP when the open relationship was brought up.
Uh, except it IS her fault too. I'm coming into this thread late, and I'm sure someone has pointed that out, but you're not the only one to blame for all this.
My ex-wife apparently "only married me to get away from her family/living conditions". I have 2 (now 3) children and I absolutely HAD to get out for me, and for them. I tried staying/keeping the family together for 3 years after she started cheating on me....then I sued her and took the kids with me.
Don't live your life suffering man. Find someone that will love you. My second wife is AMAZING...she makes me feel like I never felt with my ex. It's exhilarating. She pursues me and we do everything together.
I don't think his wife was ever really into him. That's the key. My ex-wife started "showing more interest" when she was seeing other men (without my knowledge rather than with initially). The second she had an opportunity to look elsewhere she did...she gave up custody and has been doing her "own thing" ever since.
They're both to blame. The OP needs to quit beating himself up and taking all the blame. If she wasn't into him like he was her...SHE should have broke it off much sooner. I wish mine had.
I wouldn't trade everything else I have now to take back those 10 years though (<-My marriage to my ex was 10+ years too OP)
Edit** Also, when I left my ex I moved the kids and I into my parents home (they invited me with one agreement in place, that I try to move out within a year), where we lived for 1 year while I saved money and spent some social time with friends and a new lady (now wife) that I hung out with on weekends.
Find yourself and what you really need OP.
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Exactly.
This isn't some unique situation and the advice OP is getting isn't some "man up got the gym delete Facebook" BS. It's an unsustainable situation no matter the genders involved.
LWYRUP
Get half. Maybe a judge would rule in your favor with regards to child support, if you want custody. She straight up took a mistress and moved her into your home during your marriage... Stop getting walked on, homie.
This is why divorce exists. You had a contract, and she no longer wants to follow the contract. You're letting her totally change the deal with no benefits for you and all the benefits for her. Sooner or later, you'll get kicked out. If you wait too long, you won't have a reasonable case for any divorce proceedings, and you can kiss your kids goodbye with some bullshit 2 weekends a month custody agreement, until she picks up and moves across the country with the kids in a few years.
Get half. Maybe a judge would rule in your favor with regards to child support, if you want custody. She straight up took a mistress and moved her into your home during your marriage... Stop getting walked on, homie.
This is why divorce exists. You had a contract, and she no longer wants to follow the contract. You're letting her totally change the deal with no benefits for you and all the benefits for her. Sooner or later, you'll get kicked out. If you wait too long, you won't have a reasonable case for any divorce proceedings, and you can kiss your kids goodbye with some bullshit 2 weekends a month custody agreement, until she picks up and moves across the country with the kids in a few years.
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I pretty much wholeheartedly agree with everything Deffers has posted so far, and to piggyback on his points:
Per the OP's admission of lacking relationship experience, in comparmentalizing his heartbreak he is conflating him still being around or allowed to be around after a breakup as a sign he still cares for his ex-wife.
And I'm here to tell you those things can be mutually exclusive. Because by OP's own words, he is hurt, he is saddened, he does feel in some way unvalued as a partner, and he SHOULD want to LEAVE. But, in his mind, and given the brief context of him neglecting his self worth, he believes the only way he can show he still cares for his ex is by being in close proximity. To do otherwise would fester an interpretation of selfishness, and more importantly, that he doesn't genuinely care for her.
But that's the thing: you van absolutely still care for someone while simultaneously putting some distance between you and a former spouse. Seperation isn't a sign of animosity, apathy or regret; it's an indication of growing past the emotional pain you felt after a breakup. And its clear based on OP trying to grit through the pain of his new arrangement despite his persistent romantic attachment to his ex, DISTANCE would do his emotional health some good.
Per the OP's admission of lacking relationship experience, in comparmentalizing his heartbreak he is conflating him still being around or allowed to be around after a breakup as a sign he still cares for his ex-wife.
And I'm here to tell you those things can be mutually exclusive. Because by OP's own words, he is hurt, he is saddened, he does feel in some way unvalued as a partner, and he SHOULD want to LEAVE. But, in his mind, and given the brief context of him neglecting his self worth, he believes the only way he can show he still cares for his ex is by being in close proximity. To do otherwise would fester an interpretation of selfishness, and more importantly, that he doesn't genuinely care for her.
But that's the thing: you van absolutely still care for someone while simultaneously putting some distance between you and a former spouse. Seperation isn't a sign of animosity, apathy or regret; it's an indication of growing past the emotional pain you felt after a breakup. And its clear based on OP trying to grit through the pain of his new arrangement despite his persistent romantic attachment to his ex, DISTANCE would do his emotional health some good.
It will eventually be bad for them to see that their father has no self respect. You need to make something of yourself, for your kids sake. You being a nanny for your wife and her lover is super degrading and that will hit you at some point.
He's obviously not happy.
Read this:
Does that sound like a happy home and good relationship? What are you even talking about? The OP concedes that his wife was never in love with him and he was always in love with her. Do you think him living there will be good or bad for the OP's mental health? Hmm, I wonder. This won't won't work in the long term or the short term or in any term.
I agree with you that ERA is often terrible at relationship advice, but your posts in this thread are, frankly, absurd.
Not that this should be your focus right now, but you mentioned dating. Have you considered how potential future partners might feel about your living situation? Seems like that will be a significant complicating factor. Figure out what you want out of the situation, and if it is tenable before bringing someone else into it.
Adults need to find a way to make the environment positive.
Yeah this is mostly my interpretation too. Figuring out what you want or need can be hard and people get hurt, sometimes a lot and a lot of times unwillingly. Hindsight can be 2020 but that doesn't mean the answers were always easy. That plus figuring out she's either bi or lesbian and what role that plays in love/sexuality and you've got quite a puzzle.
OP
OP
Although it's hard to remember exactly, I believe the original conversation about non-monogamy started with her saying something like "why don't more people just move in together to pay for housing more easily?" before realizing that she just invented roommates. I said something about polyamory and talked about my real feelings about monogamy, and we talked about it for a little bit.
When they started talking again I did actively encourage her in turning it romantic, and eventually it did. And that's how we decided we were opening the relationship.
The girlfriend stayed here for a weekend while I was on a camping trip with the kids. A week later my wife visited her in her city. We were still together for a week or two after that before we realized it couldn't work. My wife isn't wired for polyamory. She thought she could be with both of us but she was wrong.
What are you doing to make yourself less dependent on this woman who no longer (or never did) loves you? I mean right at this moment, not 'sometime soon'. That's an important question to ask yourself. I mean no matter how positive your relationship is, you're essentially just two friends who happen to have kids now, so how long do you think she'll be willing to support you financially?
OP
OP
She's willing to support me financially until I'm not a stay at home parent anymore. Once the kids go to school I have to get a job. That is either two months or a year and two months, depending on how potty training goes.
I love Era so much I subscribe. Much of the advice in this thread is not congruent with the situation as described or as can reasonably be inferred, in my opinion. There is more ego here than I think is useful in a complex situation involving children and their parents.
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