Just a disclaimer: I still very much love my wife. I'm not starting this thread to trash on her or complain about her, just to analyze my situation and sort my feelings out. She's always treated me very well, even if our relationship has never been what I wanted it to be. She is continuing to treat me very well now that we've broken up.
I met my wife on an internet forum, not unlike this one, twelve years ago. We talked a lot as friends (although it was no secret that I was into her) for a long time. I didn't think anything would come of it. She had a romantic interest from the same forum (this will be important later), and it seemed like they were going to become a couple, but She could not commit when my wife wanted to move to her city after law school.
Still wanting to move away, we decided it would be cool if she moved here and got an apartment together. It wasn't supposed to be romantic at first, but eventually... it was. I was very quick to tell her I loved her, and she eventually responded in kind. She wasn't lying, because she DID love me, just not in the real "in love" way, and I guess she didn't get that then. She didn't know what that felt like and didn't think she could experience love the way other people do.
She didn't I always thought there were other reasons she wasn't or couldn't express affection to me properly. She didn't want to kiss me often, didn't want to hold hands. I'm terrible at reading people and if I was better maybe I could have figured it out sooner. We mostly stopped having sex after a few months, when we got pregnant (definitely too early, oh well). Then we got married.
But I thought, at first, it was because she was so sick (Chron's disease, much improved over time after she had her colon removed). Then she was depressed because she wanted to have another baby and we had trouble for years, before having twins AND adopting a kid from foster care. Then she said she didnt want to do anything because she was breastfeeding. At some point during all this she stopped telling me that she loves me. Not sure when. I did ask her once if she did, and she responded "what do you THINK?" I thought yes, but that might not have been the answer in retrospect.
A few months ago she started getting horny again, she was expressing interest in me and initiating sex. And she ENJOYED it, for the first time outside of those first few months we were together. I felt wanted, finally, and it felt so good. She started telling me she loves me again. Started giving kisses that were not real deep kisses, but more than pecks at least. And we held hands a few times. This was a few months past our tenth wedding anniversary.
Somewhere in here we had a conversation about monogamy, and I expressed that I hadn't really believed in it for a long time but was sticking with it because that was what we agreed to. But she seemed slightly open to polyamory now, which surprised me. Not long after, her romantic interest from the forum site sent her a friend request from her new account on Facebook. After talking a bit they found they still had feelings for each other, so I was just like "yeah go for it" and they did.
But things changed after they met up for the first time again. My wife didn't seem so eager to be with me, then started expressing that she thought this might not be fair for me, then started talking about what might happen if we break up. And then we did. We've decided we'll continue living together and raising the kids together, but we're not a couple anymore and her girlfriend is going to move in with us.
And it all makes sense to me now, because I've seen them together. Constantly wanting to touch, hold hands, kiss. I can hear a difference in her voice when she talks to her, and she looks at her in ways she's never looked at me. She knows what it means to be in love now. I tell them not to modify their behaviour for my sake, because I don't want to be a burden on their relationship and (although I haven't said this) because there's no way they can interact without making me feel jealous. But I'll get over it. Knowing that it could never have been what I wanted makes it easier to accept that it's over.
I just don't know what to do going forward. It's hard for me to get out because I don't really have friends, I have general and social anxiety, and I've got four kids (having another pair of adult hands around the house will help with that lol). I've been working on it but it's hard. Need to work on myself and my social skills before I start dating.
And it's just hard now, because this was my first relationship and my first breakup. I've been with one person my entire adult life pretty much. And now I know I've never really been loved and wanted, at least in a romantic sense. It's somewhat soul-crushing. She feels bad that I'm hurt but I know it wasn't her fault - I always made the choice to be with her knowing it wasn't perfect. It would have been reasonable to end it when I knew she didn't want to kiss me, but I didn't and that's on me.
I'm not sure I should post this thread, it's kind of meandering and maybe not that interesting but oh well POST THREAD
