This is a horrible way to phrase this for OP who has clearly expressed issues with depression that are only just being treated.
This is a horrible way to phrase this for OP who has clearly expressed issues with depression that are only just being treated.
I just want to start screaming legal advice at the computer screen but I am not supposed to do that. Please just go have a consult with a lawyer
If it is not through the court then she can stop doing whatever she is doing for you at any time with fewer and fewer ramifications the longer you stay in this arrangement.
Thats as far as I can tip toe up to the legal advice line.
I'm no expert, but this situation will not make OP's depression getting better, it'll get worse and worse, regardless of getting treated.This is a horrible way to phrase this for OP who has clearly expressed issues with depression that are only just being treated.
All I'm saying is glancing over the last few pages, you're consistently responding to each of the negative posts like you're on lookout for them. Yes there are people who are being hostile but many who are not. Most are not but when you're focused on engaging with those who are, I can see why your perception is that the "forum" is only interested in being hostile to OP because their situation is not conventional. Anyway, I'll stop pestering you.I'm no more focusing on them than you are the more positive, but there is a very clear thread of hostility.
I'm no more focusing on them than you are the more positive, but there is a very clear thread of hostility.
It's not judgement for a poly person to explain THEIR opinion of relationships and THEIR values.
No where in this thread has anyone done what you're describing.
That you're taking a person expressing these things as an attack on you for not being woke enough is really bizarre.
I've explained what I meant.Yes, surely it would never come off as judgement all or smug at all if someone were to list their entire opposing POV of something you care about deeply in a condescending tone. Silly men I've lived plenty of these experience irl thanks. I'm done with this conversation, your defensiveness over this, when my entire point is live and let live , is absurd
People are glossing over OP's mental health and telling them to "get on with it", "harden up", etc... since when is that how we speak with people suffering from depression? And note: this has debilitated OP most of his life, and is only just being worked out...I'm no expert, but this situation will not make OP's depression getting better, it'll get worse and worse, regardless of getting treated.
How long can he even continue to get treated when it's his wife providing everything. He needs to be taking action yesterday.
"My" defensiveness...Yes, surely it would never come off as judgement all or smug at all if someone were to list their entire opposing POV of something you care about deeply in a condescending tone. Silly men I've lived plenty of these experience irl thanks. I'm done with this conversation, your defensiveness over this absurdz
I think that people read the OP's posts, his living situation and are (rightfully) terrified of being in such situation and are reacting accordingly.People are glossing over OP's mental health and telling them to "get on with it", "harden up", etc... since when is that how we speak with people in situations like these?
I just want to start screaming legal advice at the computer screen but I am not supposed to do that. Please just go have a consult with a lawyer
If it is not through the court then she can stop doing whatever she is doing for you at any time with fewer and fewer ramifications the longer you stay in this arrangement.
Thats as far as I can tip toe up to the legal advice line.
Just signal boosting this for you OP. You can tell yourself that your wife and her new girlfriend are not trying to be needlessly cruel, and maybe that's true, but ultimately you are going to get replaced out of this living arrangement and you 100% need to be looking out for yourself NOW.
Put your self in the GF's shoes. Once your usefulness runs out, why would they keep you around? It really just doesn't make sense for your ex.
There is nothing cruel about them asking you to leave. Its just how it goes, it'd be better if you were more proactive.
at least that's my opinion on this.
And you don't actually know if this is what's happening, not for certain. We have no way of knowing just how the ex-wife and their partner truly feel.
I mean, look at how someone just told me about my own relationship...
My partner and I have a wonderful, active sex life. We regularly go on dates. We're the first people we turn to for advice and support. We share our most intimate thoughts and desires... but because we're poly I get told this.
People project far too often in threads like these, and if you're getting irrationally angry without knowing all the details and just being swept along by the tide... that's definitely not a healthy thing.
Eh, I doubt they will. Let them think that though, I feel sorry for them if anything. They can't be coming from a healthy place with that kind of thinking.
For all your responses you've consistently dodged any questions about finance and legal advice. Can we assume you're not going to do that and just shrug tour shoulders and say "that's life" when you move out?
Okay that sounds fair and I'm glad that's on your mind now. Really do hope the best, I do think your situation could work out okay.I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
I'm saying it's not healthy to get irrationally angry when you don't know how the ex-wife and partner truly feel, and other finer points this thread doesn't shed light on.Mate...I have no idea what you are going off about. I'm not annoyed about the OPs situation cz it's poly..I couldn't care less about that. I get annoyed because how he is treated and is letting be treated. Dude is basically a third wheel being used for convenience at home while the girl has moved on with the ex. That's not poly.
You sound you have some issued stemming from other people judging you for your life style...trust me when I say this, I should be the last person to judge someone for a poly life style
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
If he's fine with it then why do you have a problem with it? Why aren't you framing it as HE'S using HER if he's getting all his expenses paid for?Mate...I have no idea what you are going off about. I'm not annoyed about the OPs situation cz it's poly..I couldn't care less about that. I get annoyed because how he is treated and is letting be treated. Dude is basically a third wheel being used for convenience at home while the girl has moved on with the ex. That's not poly.
Honestly....I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
It would help to meet with one now just to see what your options are and what advice they can give. You don't have to act on anything until the divorce actually comes up. The problem is when that conversation about divorce does happen, it's likely to be emotional and difficult. Already knowing what your options are before that point will help immensely in preparing you for when it happens.
I can't see your situation working out in the long term. I imagine your wife and her new partner will start to resent having you around, and they will want to become their own family i.e. want to go days out and holidays with the children.
Plus I don't know how you would react to your wife's partner becoming close to your children or start disciplining them in a way you not happy about. As being a step dad, I know my step daughters dad wasn't happy when I disciplined his child
I think you need to make plans for your future i.e. plans for your divorce (i.e. children custody, alimony etc), finding a source of income and finding a new place to live.
It appears to be, that you've just become a live in nanny for your own children at the mo.
The best advice in here. Pride is worth nothing right now OP. It's not doing you any favors except allowing you to think a temporary solution is okay. You may not want to go live with your mother and work under her, but it's clear there's a lot of things going on in your life you don't want to happen that is already. You're going to have to learn and adapt with the new norm because holding onto whatever old norm you used to have isn't possible anymore and not recognizing that is just going to hurt.Dont you find it sad that you dont have the means to even heal on your own terms? You became too dependent on her (a sick woman who could have had a turn for the worst at any moment) and relied on her. What if she couldn't provide...what could you have done? You aren't sad/jealous because things have changed. You sound angry that your gravy train is now in dire jeopardy and you are going to be forced into an adult situation fast.
You are forced to be an adult soon. None of this non-traditional bollocks excuse. You didnt grow as an individual, you became complacent doing the bare minimum of being a dad to slide through life as your wife took the brunt of everything hard like being a spouse parent AND provide (you could have done all that and still had an identity or job or means of production).
Your posts here is looking for validation and pity. And I'm gonna tell you the hard truth .... Harden the fuck up. Harden the fuck up and stop thinking about how much you owe your wife and all the sacrifices she made.
Your sacrifices aren't as deep as hers. And as much as you are cognizant of that fact and aware and grateful, that shit ain't gonna put a roof on your head. Right now your time is short because their patience is limited. All it takes is you taking a stinky dump In the toilet, a kid making a mess on the floor, or the TV being 1 decibel too loud before they start thinking there's too many people In the home.
Talk to your mom about letting your work/stay with her for a bit. All this shit happening and you writing is your PRIDE talking.
The wrong pride. Not the pride that let you let your wife fuck an old flame because you didnt have the merit or argument against it, but the one where you still think living it up as a live in butler is better than having your autonomy back.
Harden the fuck up. I'm done.
They certainly don't intend to keep you around until some explicit future date they no longer want you around. But you aren't going to find couples who wouldn't prefer living as a couple to living as a couple + an ex. So at some future date when the value you provide as a stay-at-home dad is diminishing, little things that wouldn't be issues now will start becoming more serious problems.When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.
The proposed cruelty is that they'll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
When exactly does my usefulness run out? This here isn't me saying they won't kick me out because they need me, but just that... My usefulness really doesn't run out here. It doesn't end when the twins are in school.
The proposed cruelty is that they'll keep me around until they don't want me anymore, lying about their intentions. If we've talked about moving into a duplex and living in the same house indefinitely then kicking me out is cruel.
Honest question, but what is your usefulness once the kids are in school?
What makes you think they'll want you around? Honestly in a few months once their relationship has a proper foundation what benefit do you add by living there for them?
I read all of that and for some reason the fact that you have somehow had four kids with this woman is the craziest detail of them all.
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
I feel like that's a massive thing to say oh well shit happens to, but it happened soYes that is crazy. We were doing foster care while doing IVF. Didn't think we'd ever adopt a kid from foster care but figured we could help out while we had the space and wanted another kid. Suddenly we got pregnant at the same time the kid we were raising from 2 months old to two years was surrendered by his parents. And of course we were pregnant with twins. Oh well, shit happens.
Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.
Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
I feel like that's a massive thing to say oh well shit happens to, but it happened so
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
She's paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don't have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
You really can't expect them to be this okay with this. Imagine you moved in with your wife back when you first got married and there was another living with her who you both know is in love with your wife but has acknowledged any chance for them is over as your wife has no feelings for them. How comfortable would you be living with that person? In a week? A month? Half a year? A full year? For some reason or another you're going to push for them to leave, just for the guilt alone.Kids need to be raised at home still once they're in school. Animals need caring for. Chores need to be done. Once I'm back to work that's another income going towards living expenses.
Of course none of this means I'm needed here. If they didn't want me they could certainly afford to lose me just as we've been living as two adults all these years. But I'm not useless.
How have you explained this situation to your kids? I mean they have to have questions when your wifes new lover is the one going to bed with and waking up with her.
I mean that sounds like something I would do, but no. You've all convinced me to definitely see a lawyer once the divorce actually comes up. I know that one guy says to do it immediately but I am not going to do that. Sorry.
She's paying for the house, my car, the food, health insurance, my student loans (I mentioned that I don't have a degree but I do have student loans), and I still buy anything I want with money that she is earning. There is definitely take there.
If he's fine with it then why do you have a problem with it? Why aren't you framing it as HE'S using HER if he's getting all his expenses paid for?
I'm saying it's not healthy to get irrationally angry when you don't know how the ex-wife and partner truly feel, and other finer points this thread doesn't shed light on.
I mean, have some concerns etc... that was the part we were talking about.
You honestly can't see my point here?
I'm currently a stay at home dad. I don't have a job or a college degree. I'm living comfortably right now. I want to stay for me as much as for the kids. I legitimately cannot imagine leaving this for a better situation.
This actively makes me sad for her tbh.
There will come a time when she will stop paying for these things or allowing you to spend her money, because she has a family to feed and take care of.
You desperately need to do some soul searching, because right now, you're like some kind of parasite. =/