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Dealing with the realization that my wife of ten years was never "in love" with me [READ STAFF POST]
- Thread starter theotherMittens
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But You are though, like what couple would want to have a ex in the same house. Sooner or later they will act. Like all.the cost that she is paying for you could easily go into something else
I feel like if human beings lived for several centuries, polyamorous relationships would be much more common. Would you agree?
When you go around looking at life with Rose-Tinted Glasses you don't see the red flags, you just see flags.
Cheating and sexual non-exclusivity has been a thing since the dawn of time. Polyamory in many ways is the acceptance that your loved one will have sexual urges that you cannot, or will not, fulfill and agreeing to respect one-another enough to allow for that exploration.
This... is a lot to take in. I don't know what advice I can give but... get out of there. I can't imagine this working longterm.
OP
OP
It would cost more for them to pay for daycare, so no it couldn't. Once I have an income the "parasite" aspect become a a non-issue.
Late to this thread, but being honest here, at some point in the near future she is gonna throw you out.
You need to get out before that on your own terms. I understand through a skimming this thread that you still feel strongly for her but the reality is she has chosen someone else now. You're living there on borrowed time.
You're better off leaving her when possible, find a friend or family member to stay with until you can find somewhere else, rather than sticking around and waiting for the inevitable. You deserve better than whatever this situation is, and there's plenty of people in the world you can meet.
"Once the divorce actually comes up?"
Nah dude. check with a lawyer right now, you could be due alimony. Contacting a lawyer does not mean Divorce, but a lawyer should be able to give you some proper advice and how to navigate the next few months before you get kicked out.
There is more than being a parasite then just the money thing dude. It about your presence being in the house. Like real talk
That's convenience, not usefulness OP. You're a mouth to feed. Find a new home and lifestyle that fits YOUR needs and that allows you stand on your own feet.
Do you never plan to be with anyone else? How do you expect to progress in life and grow as a person when you're attached to and entirely dependant on someone whose moved on.
OP, ask yourself: in terms of friends, lovers, family etc. what is your relationship with your wife? Is it mutual? Because an "ex" isn't a relationship, it's a title.
There are laws and there is morality. Laws can be enforced. Personal morality is up to you and her. If you end up fundamentally disagreeing it comes down to the law of the land.
... The way you're talking, it sounds like they both have full time jobs. They could get rid of you and one of them stays home (to replace your duties) or they both work and put kids in daycare. She needed you before, she no longer does.
Them telling you to bag your stuff is inevitable.
When they decide it does. You have no say in the matter
theotherMittens just want to say how impressed I am by how understanding and calm you've been about all the judgment in the thread. I think your situation is just so foreign and mind-blowing to so many of us that people are acting up a bit. So... just kudos for being such a calm and collected person. I have zero concept of how your situation could ever possibly work... but how the fuck do I know. I sincerely hope it works, for you and for your kids in particular.
Don't walk into a divorce settlement with that mindset. You're not a parasite--you're doing your part by taking care of the household (learn how to cook though).
That position can't last though, especially after they're all school-aged, so you do need to be thinking of the future.
It's job hunting time, bro. You've got to look forward now. You're not going to find a new girl living jobless with your ex wife and the chick she left you for. And honestly, it's only a matter of time before they bring up the idea of you leaving.
I'm sorry your life flipped upside down and I hope the best for you. It's not going to happen staying where you're at though.
Haha, the passive aggressive armchair analyses.. after you made the silly hyperbolic statements and then got all defense when that was mentioned.
Drop the hyperbole next time I guess.
Absolutely.
OP
OP
I have a lot to worry about before I really try to get a new girl or guy or what have you. I'm cool with being single for a while.
The situation we're aiming for is, as I've said, for us to live in a duplex. I'd essentially have my own apartment with two kids sleeping in it. That's not unworkable for a romantic life, even if my ex lives downstairs.
OP
OP
I can prepare basic food in an instant pot with very detailed instructions.
please learn to cook, if not for your own sake, for your children's.
User Banned (3 Days): Unnecessary hostility across a series of posts
Might be banned for this but reading this makes it sound like you're just taking advantage and your wife was unhappy taking care of your ass and she expressed such and instead of getting ish together you come on here to somewhat justify your laziness dude get a job and get your house on order all you have said was that all signs point to yo ass being on the streets by the end of the year.
OP
OP
I only don't have a job because I'm a stay at home parent. I chose to stay home because daycare for twins would be more than my income. Sure, shame me for having a job that doesn't pay a lot, whatever, but I have never been a bum freeloading off of her.
I know but there is still stuff that could have been done my friend, and as for mow fuck the past shit my boy you on borrowed time if you cant see that big ass sign in your face telling you to get the fuck out that's on your kids you want them to grow up in a house where daddy is full of resent that his love was never really his, resent will grow I'm telling you get a job and leave find a nice apartment in some time co parent but staying in that house is such a bad choice
Honestly I was laughing at 1st but you need to just stop it tho it's sad and i say this as a person that cares. HOPE FOR THE BEST, BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST
lol, if genders were reversed nobody would even question this decision.
That being said, you should start looking into a trade school or a certificate because at some point or another they are gonna put you out.
How is taking care of children full time 'taking advantage'? Because he's a man? Wtf is this regressive shit.
Where did I say that? Dont assume my intention as me bruh
That doesn't sound fair. No rooms for the kids on the ex's side? Don't think the court would like that.
Guess that would ensure full custody though.
Ima saynthis maybe my post came off that way wasnt my intention my apologies, what I'm saying is this shit is fucked and I don't understand why he is entertaining this situation sounds like someone that needs to get his shit together before it's over, honestly this thread reads like a troll
I don't disagree with you there, it doesn't sound feasible long term, but nothing about this thread suggests he is trolling and you directly said he was 'taking advantage' and another poster is calling him a 'parasite' so I'm not sure what you expected people to get from that other than you and a few other posters expressing extremely backwards views on gender relations. If you didn't mean that then like...don't say it?
OP
OP
It wasn't because I was bored. I don't feel jealousy over my partner being with other people (the jealousy I feel now is different, since she's not with me and acting entirely differently) and don't feel like it's my place to tell them who they can interact with and how, and vice versa. On top of that, I am specifically excited by the idea of my partner being with other people. I think that's hot, regardless of gender or whether or not I'm there or participating.
And yeah. I wanted to have sex with other people too. I haven't known I was bisexual for very long, so I have a very specific reason for wanting to explore a little.
OP
OP
There are four kids. Two can sleep upstairs, two can sleep downstairs. Most duplexes in Buffalo have three bedrooms per apartment, so there's plenty of room. They can hang out wherever during the day.
I guess I just don't even see the point of having a duplex if everything is interchangeable.
OP
OP
Essentially, separate living spaces for me and my ex. I get my own living room, kitchen, and bathroom, and they get theirs. Sure we'll be seeing each other a lot, but not living on top of each other like in a single-family house.
This was sad to read. I thought I had low self esteem and a doormat personality. OP you need to get a job, get a lawyer and prepare for the worst. You've spent an entire decade with a person who by your own words didn't love you. So why spend any more time with her?
The kids can survive with two moms.
The kids can survive with two moms.
I worded wrong I tend to do that I just mean the ex and new girl gonna see it that way , she trying to move him to a house with just him and kids she phasing him out if he cant see that then lol
That's the point where you think what is happening is cruel? I cannot believe this thread...
If genders were reversed it would also be a clear cut case of a "toxic husband" who lost interest in the relationship after kids entered the picture and the wife would be rightfully entitled to a clean divorce, asset split, and ongoing alimony payments.
Yeah, when a relationship reaches the "hey lets be poli" point. It is probably already over but none have the courage to break things off. It's cheating without cheating.
I would try to get a professional education or something OP, you need learn some trade to stop being dependent on everyone else. Right now you're depending on your now ex-wife, and when this ends you're telling me you'll be dependent on your mother's job or something, that's not good.
Learn how to cook, learn a skill, get out of this situation and finally own your life dude. You deserve that at least.
I would try to get a professional education or something OP, you need learn some trade to stop being dependent on everyone else. Right now you're depending on your now ex-wife, and when this ends you're telling me you'll be dependent on your mother's job or something, that's not good.
Learn how to cook, learn a skill, get out of this situation and finally own your life dude. You deserve that at least.
EXACTLY! And I don't give a fuck about polyamorous relationships, if it works for you, awesome! Hell that sounds cool. New pussy... but my girl would never go for it, lol. That said. the OP has four children, no job with this woman who is not in love with him and seems to be leading him on. I hope he doesn't think they REALLY want him in that duplex, rent free. Get a clue, OP. Make moves and be out. It's better for your mental health, my g.
OP
OP
No, I'd be paying for it as well. That has been discussed. The stay at home situation is not permanent.
Why would you move into a duplex beside that if you have to pay lmao bruh get yo ish together get a lil distance even if it's a few blocks down like bruh chill, that's gonna be hella awkward explaining this situation to future partners it makes you like bad but do you if you happy
Is she still your partner though? You've called her your ex.
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OP
Ah I gotcha. So, being totally honest, cards on the table, I assume you're still attracted to her right? You say you love her so that's just assuming, do you still find it hot that she's giving you at least some level of attention even though she's with someone else, and if so is that contributing at all to you wanting to be close? Also, are you harboring any hope at all that this relationship may not work out and she would possibly go back to you?
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