Do humans truly crave to be in monogamous relationships?

[NTGYK]

* side point here, I'm referring to the majority of people in today's society. I've got nothing against poly relationships, more power to you, but that is a minority of relationships. In terms of what I mean by monogamous, I'm referring to a pairing of two people in a romantic sense. Homosexual, heterosexual, doesn't matter.

Anyways, I was thinking about this, while watching my friend self destruct his whole life cause he loves this girl who's pretty abusive to him and he outright told me "I can't go on without her, I love her" at which point I said "you're an adult, you do you, idiot"

Anyways, is the human desire to be in a relationship something that we need or is it something that society makes us want? How important is the biological component, because it feels like society is at odds with biology now, in that a human can live a self-sustaining life independently if they want, our friendships and the nature of friendships have changed in the digital age, become more ephemeral.

Like, are people truly capable of being happy single, or do you believe that being in a partnership is what'll lead to happiness?

Like me for example, I've had a few relationships, but not long lasting. I love being independent and free to live life on my terms, but being in a relationship also feels great because you have that support structure, but there's always that baggage between two people.

* My friend's self destruction, the Jordan Peterson thing, and me in the early stages of a new relationship make me ponder these things.

 

[sooperkool]

I would say that we do after a certain amount of personal growth.

 

[Not]

This is an interesting read, even if you might disagree with parts:

https://thenib.com/the-invention-of-monogamy

Click to shrink...

 

[Wracu]

I certainly can't imagine sucking only one cock the rest of my life. Of course there's nothing to say that can't be a couple's activity, so make of it what you will.

 

[Poppy]

i do, and i am regrettably human

but i also dont care about sex and i dont really get bored so its mostly just so i can feel like i have one person that i can rely on and trust forever, naive as that sentiment often is

i mean what i really crave in life is true understanding and empathy which is hard if not impossible to really find, not to mention ultimately a selfish goal. having one person that means more to me than anyone else and knows me better than anyone is the closest you can reasonably get

 

[sooperkool]

I certainly can't imagine sucking only one cock the rest of my life. Of course there's nothing to say that can't be a couple's activity, so make of it what you will.

Click to shrink...

Monogamy means one at a time for a period of time not only one forever.

 

[Gurthang]

No
All men want their own harems.

 

[The Kidd]

I feel like we crave the attention of the people we're attracted too, and also naturally get jealous when the one we love is with another. So we're designed to love more than one person, but hate when others love multiple people, so we designed a social contract where you theoretically pick the one you love the most, and if they reciprocate, eliminate the tension of that jealousy.

You of course can be monogamous, and truly be in love enough where there wasn't a temptation strong enough to cheat, but I don't think it's necessarily natural.

 

[Border]

I think people want monogamy with the freedom to have a little sex action on the side when they feel like it (if they're in a long term relationship).

 

[Dice]

I would say that we do after a certain amount of personal growth.

Click to shrink...

Yeah I like this answer and think it works in a lot of cases.

But I definitely find 'one person and only one person ever' an incredibly suffocating perspective....with few "acceptable" means of gratifying other itches in a safe/moral way.

So...well, I doubt cheating or having affairs is gonna stop any time soon.

I think the faster thing is to accept humans are, by nature, incredibly flawed, and our social norms only work for so long. They're good to have, but hardly a strong enough force against some of the irrationality/unpredictability of human emotion. They'll want one thing one minute, and want something else the next. Sometimes it works out, sometimes things get a lot uglier.

 

[Weiss]

Speaking personally but yeah. I want to fall in love with one person and be with them the rest of my life. That's my ideal fantasy.

 

[a Master Ninja]

I believe all humans crave having people in their lives they can trust 100%. For some, "sexual faithfulness" is a matter of trust.

 

[Beartruck]

The lizard brain in me goes "NNNNN fuck wimmins." Then the rest of my brain goes "Wait, I love my SO and hate everyone else. Nevermind."

 

[D65]

Monogamy is my middle name.

 

[Oneiros]

I think so. Most people want some kind of stability in their life and have sexual desires. I assume most single-by-choice people have enough close relationships with friends, family, and/or sexual partners to make up for it.

 

[BlackGoku03]

I think it's innate in some men to just spread their seed to whoever will catch it. I mean, if that didn't happen, how would early humans procreate at a decent pace?

And there are a dozen or so animal species that do stick to one partner for extended periods of time. African Cichlids are an example.

 

[Dice]

The lizard brain in me goes "NNNNN fuck wimmins." Then the rest of my brain goes "Wait, I love my SO and hate everyone else. Nevermind."

Click to shrink...

As someone who has been in this situation.... honestly, it's amazing how fleeting that 'grass on the other side' moment comes and goes and that idea that "You don't know what you have till it's gone" sadly true and hard to convince people till, well, it's too late.

I always loved/laughed at the advice to just simply go masturbate and a lot of that 'lizard brain' goes away. :P

 

[Deleted member 31133]

Is it not human nature? There are animals other than humans who only have one partner for life.

I'm married and love my wife dearly. She's more than my wife. She is my best friend and my 'soul mate'. I couldn't imagine sharing that feeling of love and commitment with more than one person.

 

[DarkChronic]

When I was younger I used to think polyamorous relationships were insane.

But now I am older and wiser and I honestly think that's how it should be. We did not evolve this way and I think human beings are capable of loving more than one person at a time.

You don't have choose a best friend to stay with forever. You don't have to choose a parent, or a sibling. Why can't the same way work for intimate relationships?

 

[Bronx-Man]

I feel like this whole "monogamy sucks" movement that's been happening recently is really people wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad for it. Just be single and fuck as much as you want.

 

[Kirblar]

Some do, some don't.

 

[collige]

I feel like this whole "monogamy sucks" movement that's been happening recently is really people wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad for it. Just be single and fuck as much as you want.

Click to shrink...

Why not date someone and also fuck as much as you want though?

 

[Deepthought_]

If I had my choice I wouldn't be monogamous.

 

[Wackamole]

I prefer it. But i have an amazing girlfriend and we get along really well. With many couples i wonder why the fuck they are together. They make eachother unhappy and most they do is shout and argue. That's not a nice relationship. It doesn't have to be that way. It CAN be great.

 

[Dice]

I think it's innate in some men to just spread their seed to whoever will catch it. I mean, if that didn't happen, how would early humans procreate at a decent pace?

Click to shrink...

By fucking the same person over and over?

Men and women aren't playing the same 'reproductive' game.
True, men just shoot their shit and that's about it.
Women gotta nurture and care for themselves for 9months of baby-carrying then YEARS after for child raising.

But there's way more to it than that. Because it's such a lengthy process, and generally raising a family, and building a house and home together is seen as a pretty 'good' and even fulfilling thing (some people want families, not all men run on "Caveman.exe" to travel the world and fertilize everyone in it — that's not how it works and few men I doubt would run on this mantra even if that's how "easy" it is for them.... also laws/paternity tests won't let you get away with it THAT easily :P ). Fact is people work better as a 'unit' in many cases, and a family can be a big part of that.

 

[zeioIIDX]

Sometimes I do. But then I was married for 3.5 years and divorced and after plenty of failed relationships for various reasons as well as being cheated on, used, taken advantage of, etc....there are times where I just don't feel like putting in the effort/time/devotion to getting to know just one person and forcing myself to trust that person. Too much heartache. I mean, if I had it like that where I could just have a friend with benefits, then I'd love that situation. No obligations and all that, no pressure, and no need to deprive myself of sex and affection just because I'm not in a long-term serious relationship. I tried the open relationship thing with my ex wife and it didn't work out, she lost my trust after breaking a rule or two. I could never be in an open relationship again. I'd much rather just stay single and enjoy casual sex although it does get lonely and I start to miss all those great things about a monogamous relationship and having someone who only wants you and you only want him/her.

Edit: Forgot to say that in my opinion, monogamy is unnatural. I suppose it makes sense for humans in a structured society...but it's just not natural. Maybe things would be different in a positive way without monogamy and then again, maybe monogamy keeps everything ordered and in line. Not sure.

 

[MarineMountie]

I love it. After my divorce I went 4 years without dating and only had sex with two women during that time. Not that I couldn't have had more, but sex without a connection just doesn't do it for me. I started dating, met someone great and we are talking about marriage now.

Monogomy is for some people, not for others. I'm not at my happiest alone, though I'm not unhappy. I'm a nurturer(that a word?). I want only one person and I found that person.

My big mistake in my last marriage was getting married at 19 years old. We had 8 good years, but then realized we wanted different things when we were getting close to 30 years old. It was a very civil divorce and we even kept in touch for over a year after wards to make sure the other was doing OK with everything.

 

[iAmPossum]

there's no hard and fast rule

it depends on their life's experience, emotional maturity, goals and etc

 

[Chopchop]

Personally, I'm for it. I'm in a monogamous relationship and both of us are perfectly happy about it staying monogamous.

I believe almost all people do desire romantic companionship in some form or another, but I also think that some people are perfectly happy outside monogamous relationships. Whether that means being single and only having flings, or being in poly relationships, I think some people are truly happy the way they are, and that being in a monogamous relationship should not be pressured on to everyone.

As for abusive relationships, it is definitely better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

 

[Mona]

get rid of society and im sure human nature is to crave alot more than just that

 

[Deleted member 29464]

Why not date someone and also fuck as much as you want though?

Click to shrink...

The person you are dating may not want to be cheated on? In fact, probably won't.

 

[jph139]

A vast, vast majority of people crave and need close, trusting interpersonal relationships. A monogamous, sexually exclusive relationship is one of the most common ways of fulfilling that today, but it's not the only one.

 

[adj_noun]

I certainly do. Some people don't. Some people aren't interested in relationships at all.

There's no all-encompassing "humans crave this".

 

[RoninChaos]

I feel like this whole "monogamy sucks" movement that's been happening recently is really people wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad for it. Just be single and fuck as much as you want.

Click to shrink...

I would agree to a certain extent. It feels like a response for people who don't want to be locked down and don't want to deal with the personal responsibility of being a decent partner and setting boundaries with what the relationship is. Like for instance, if you like someone but you want to keep fucking around, MOST PEOPLE aren't going to be cool with that unless both sides have the same understanding.

Now, with that said, I know a few people who are poly and even they come back to one main person. So anecdotally, I don't think monogamy is against our nature or something else like that. People and societies evolve. That's why we drive around in cars and travel places in planes. Otherwise it would be against our nature to travel more than 5 miles in one day. I don't buy that "This is against our nature" shit. It really feels like it's a catch all excuse for fucking a bunch of people and not committing to someone. ANd if that works for you, great. But don't put it on some "We weren't meant to do this!" shit. You don't want to be tied down and want to fuck other people. That's fine.

 

[Deleted member 2171]

Not everyone, no.

I feel like this whole "monogamy sucks" movement that's been happening recently is really people wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad for it. Just be single and fuck as much as you want.

Click to shrink...

You know it's possible to cheat in a non-monogamous relationship and non-monogamy is not equivalent to cheating nor can be used as a cover for it

 

[collige]

The person you are dating may not want to be cheated on? In fact, probably won't.

Click to shrink...

I'm not advocating cheating, I'm advocating fucking lots of people and having committed relationships not being mutually exclusive.

 

[Yggfk]

I feel like monogamy is a societal convention and not human nature per se, but that's 'cuz I have an unorthodox view on relationships. I don't see me loving anyone else other than my SO, however I DO feel attracted to other people, strictly in a sexual way. My SO feels the same, and that has led to an agreement between us that we are free to "fool around" as long as no feelings are being nurtured for the other person.

It all comes down to what works for each kind of relationship. I probably wouldn't be happy in a relationship where I'd be censored for feeling attracted for someone else's appearance, for example... but that's me, and I have always felt this way. It all comes down to "you do you", basically.

TL;DR - I think I'm human and I do not crave monogamy for me or my S.O., so I think it's all socially constructed.

 

[shnurgleton]

I am a man and I don't want a harem, just a best friend who is also a lover

 

[Beardz]

Depends on the amount of testosterone.

 

[Yggfk]

I feel like this whole "monogamy sucks" movement that's been happening recently is really people wanting an excuse to cheat and not feel bad for it. Just be single and fuck as much as you want.

Click to shrink...

You can be in a relationship and fuck as much as you want as well. You just have to find someone else who is capable of separating sex from feelings.

 

[NYCrooner]

Monogamy is easy for some and harder for others. It might be a chemical thing, a nature/nurture thing, or whatever. I know both men and women who I consider to be very good people but suffer from infidelity. I also have others friends who I think are less than great humans but show no desire to stray. I really don't know what to make of it except that there is a force greater than "morality" at play here. I think animal instinct is a tough thing to domesticate if you "think" you can get away with it.

 

[John Rabbit]

I think human beings crave stability, and monogamy is stable.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I wish I was open to the idea of an open relationship. A lot of that has to do with my own personal insecurities though.

 

[BlackGoku03]

By fucking the same person over and over?

Men and women aren't playing the same 'reproductive' game.
True, men just shoot their shit and that's about it.
Women gotta nurture and care for themselves for 9months of baby-carrying then YEARS after for child raising.

But there's way more to it than that. Because it's such a lengthy process, and generally raising a family, and building a house and home together is seen as a pretty 'good' and even fulfilling thing (some people want families, not all men run on "Caveman.exe" to travel the world and fertilize everyone in it — that's not how it works and few men I doubt would run on this mantra even if that's how "easy" it is for them.... also laws/paternity tests won't let you get away with it THAT easily :P ). Fact is people work better as a 'unit' in many cases, and a family can be a big part of that.

Click to shrink...

I see what you're saying but I was only speaking about men, not women. And you can get mult women pregnant at one time, as was often done in the past.

Nowadays, our society isn't really built for it so we don't see it as much as in the distant past.

 

[Mimosa97]

I had tons of discussions about this with friends who experienced all kinds of relationships and honestly I only want a monogamous relationship. Anything else makes me feel depressed? But I absolutely understand why some people prefer open relationships etc... I'd be lying though if I said that I feel anxious and ill-at-ease when they talk about open relationships with me. Sharing your loved one with someone else is something I'll never understand but I'm glad I live in a society where people can live their lives as they wish.

 

[SugarNoodles]

In terms of companionship? It's certainly practical.

In terms of sexual relations? Of course not.

 

[Mona]

you know whats weird, i bet there are relationships where both parties are secretly cheating on each other, and both parties are fine being in that relationship, but then once its been revealed that they've been cheating on each other they break up

its like "i only want to be with you if im the only one cheating", "sleeping with other people is an acceptable practice in a relationship, but only when i do it"

kinda strange

obviously though the sneaking around is probably part of what made cheating feel so exciting for said couple, i dunno

im just saying it feels like that could almost be the beginning of their relationship, not the end

 

[Dice]

I see what you're saying but I was only speaking about men, not women. And you can get mult women pregnant at one time, as was often done in the past.

Nowadays, our society isn't really built for it so we don't see it as much as in the distant past.

Click to shrink...

Sure men can go get multiple women pregnant, but I don't think they're gonna earn the respect of everyone for it unless you're king of a bygone age. So what's the point you're trying to make? That it happened?????

Because you could, doesn't mean you should.

Or I dunno, go for it see how it works out for ya. A lot of folk here and worldwide like their monogamy on whatever level, so hopefully you ain't knocking up any of their girls.

 

[Deleted member 19844]

Monogamy is better for me as a human being, but it's not what I crave. I am a less self-centered, selfish person as a result.

 

[The Adder]

Humans crave being in one way polygamous relationships.

Humans crave relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Humans crave many relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Humans crave being the primary focus of the person they are in a relationship with, romantic or otherwise.

Polyamory and monogamy are compromises. You sacrifice being the center of attention in your relationship or you sacrifice being in multiple relationships.

Most societies settled on monogamy for simplification of property and title distribution.

Sexually open monogamous relationships are the closest approximation to what people really want that is fair to everyone involved. But they take quite a bit of work to get right.