Finding ambition when the only thing you want in life is unattainable.

[Geirskogul]

Since age 16 when I first found out what was wrong with me and that it was incurable, I've basically just been drifting through life, going through the motions without any ambition or direction. I almost feel like I haven't even been alive for the past few years, more like a robot on autopilot. Marriage, starting a family, owning a home, building a career; none of the major life achievements that people aspire to have ever been things that I have seriously thought about pursuing, because in the end I would be achieving them as a person and self that I have always despised and never wanted to be.

I just graduated college last Saturday, and now I feel more lost than ever. I guess school always gave me some sort of structure and direction in my life when I had none personally, and now that its over I don't know what to do. Outside of going to my part-time job I haven't left the apartment once since I got home from the commencement ceremony. I haven't even started looking for jobs yet either despite loads of free time and resources to do so.

There's no real immediate pressure for me to do anything either, I have enough cash savings to live a subsistence lifestyle for a few years without working, which may just be what I end up doing. But even when the money runs out, I'm not even sure if the immediate threat of starvation would even phase me into action. I suppose part of the problem is that I never really expected to live this long in the first place, and so there's this large feeling of "what now?"

 

[UltraMagnanimous]

You sound like you have depression. My best recommendation would be to seek some help from a professional. They will be able to help you. Don't give up hope. Life surprises you some times.

 

[Hoo-doo]

Well, what exactly is wrong with you?

 

[BringBackSonics]

Is there a reason why you won’t share your ailment? People might have advice related to what it is you are going through.

 

[808s & Villainy]

I have no idea what this is about

 

[preta]

It's not too late for you, not by any means. Getting the help that I think you already know you need will improve your frame of mind, I promise. I know your situation, and I can relate to it - that describes how I've felt throughout my teenage years and early twenties; no real plans or aspirations for the future, just going through the motions.

Please, don't repress your feelings. It won't help you.

 

[Geirskogul]

You sound like you have depression. My best recommendation would be to seek some help from a professional. They will be able to help you.

Click to shrink...

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12. They can't do anything about the underlying issue, only help me to cope with it.

Well, what exactly is wrong with you?

Click to shrink...

Is there a reason why you won’t share your ailment? People might have advice related to what it is you are going through.

Click to shrink...

I'm too deeply ashamed and embarrassed to discuss it outside of certain communities. And even within said communities, I have to curate myself very carefully, as my true thoughts on the matter are extremely offensive and invalidating to the people within the community, barring those who are as self-hating as I am. I would most certainly be banned from this site very quickly if I ever bared my full thoughts on the subject.

 

[Tethered Penguin]

This is what I'm afraid of the most.

To live without direction.

Yet here I am, basking in mediocrity and my own crippling laziness.

I want to get out of this hole, but it looks like it's getting deeper by the second.

 

[Sub Boss]

There is a lot of wonderful people and experiences outside, and believe it or not life is short for everybody, come on man enjoy a walk, meeting new people, eating delicious food in fancy restaurants, watch a movie (in theaters) go read an interesting book, do volunteer work, support a cause, go to a pool, fun parties.

Those people with cars and marriages also to deal with meaninglessness, why you too? why base your whole life in terms of success with frivolous things such as careers? Is that what they taught you?that alĺ you can hope to be?

Also, don't listen to ERA and see a good therapist if you can

 

[Dude Abides]

No real point in you asking for advice if you’re going to be all coy and dramatic about whatever your issue is.

 

[preta]

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12. They can't do anything about the underlying issue, only help me to cope with it.





I'm too deeply ashamed and embarrassed to discuss it outside of certain communities. And even within said communities, I have to curate myself very carefully, as my true thoughts on the matter are extremely offensive and invalidating to the people within the community, barring those who are as self-hating as I am. I would most certainly be banned from this site very quickly if I ever bared my full thoughts on the subject.

Click to shrink...

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know your mental state will improve if you can learn to accept it. There's nothing "wrong" about it.

 

[Steel]

No real point in you asking for advice if you’re going to be all coy and dramatic about whatever your issue is.

Click to shrink...

Well, what exactly is wrong with you?

Click to shrink...

It's really not that hard to read between the lines with a few of those sentences. Especially with the second post.

 

[nemoral]

Alucard, is that you?

 

[Mr. X]

What factors in your upbringing have you feeling this way?
What country or state are your born and raised in?

 

[deepFlaw]

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12. They can't do anything about the underlying issue, only help me to cope with it.





I'm too deeply ashamed and embarrassed to discuss it outside of certain communities. And even within said communities, I have to curate myself very carefully, as my true thoughts on the matter are extremely offensive and invalidating to the people within the community, barring those who are as self-hating as I am. I would most certainly be banned from this site very quickly if I ever bared my full thoughts on the subject.

Click to shrink...

To be frank, it’s easy enough to figure out all of what you mean here from a few minutes looking at your post history. I don’t think you need to hide that much - though you should only post how much you’re comfortable with, of course, and I get what you mean both about the communities and voicing your views within them.

Now, I don’t hold the same views, but I can relate a bit to the situation otherwise. And... maybe it’s very easy for me to say as someone who’s too afraid to work through some things you’ve worked through, but based on your posts it seems early to me to decide things are pointless and that you can’t reach a point of being someone you’re happy being.

 

[Conciliator]

Marriage, starting a family, owning a home, building a career; none of the major life achievements that people aspire to have ever been things that I have seriously thought about pursuing, because in the end I would be achieving them as a person and self that I have always despised and never wanted to be.

Click to shrink...

that's not all there is life, thank christ. What else do you like to do? Who do you want to be if not who you are?

 

[preta]

To tell the truth, I'm still largely in the same boat as you in the sense that I haven't truly felt like I've lived life. The difference is that since accepting myself in the course of the last few months, I can see a path forward, and have actual dreams and aspirations, for the first time in my life.

I really implore you to try to do the same. It'll only be good for you in the long run.

 

[Sub Boss]

I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12. They can't do anything about the underlying issue, only help me to cope with it.





I'm too deeply ashamed and embarrassed to discuss it outside of certain communities. And even within said communities, I have to curate myself very carefully, as my true thoughts on the matter are extremely offensive and invalidating to the people within the community, barring those who are as self-hating as I am. I would most certainly be banned from this site very quickly if I ever bared my full thoughts on the subject.

Click to shrink...

If you want someone to talk privately you can PM me , or someone you trust more, im sure there are quite a few here on ERA.

Its the loathing of the human race? because i know what you mean that strong feeling of disgust to both myself and every other piece of walking organs and piss to the point you can't even stand the thought of existing

 

[Geirskogul]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know your mental state will improve if you can learn to accept it. There's nothing "wrong" about it.

Click to shrink...

Its been almost six years (much longer if you count the time I was confused but struggling with the same thoughts and feelings) and I am probably further away from accepting myself than I ever have been. At this point I'm not sure if its even possible. Multiple affirmative therapists haven't been able to change my perspective in the slightest.

What factors in your upbringing have you feeling this way?
What country or state are your born and raised in?

Click to shrink...

I'm from the midwestern United States.

But, I don't think one can blame my upbringing at all for the way I feel about myself. My parents (who are fully aware of my issues) are far more supportive and accepting about it than I am.

 

[Taki]

Since age 16 when I first found out what was wrong with me and that it was incurable, I've basically just been drifting through life, going through the motions without any ambition or direction. I almost feel like I haven't even been alive for the past few years, more like a robot on autopilot. Marriage, starting a family, owning a home, building a career; none of the major life achievements that people aspire to have ever been things that I have seriously thought about pursuing, because in the end I would be achieving them as a person and self that I have always despised and never wanted to be.

I just graduated college last Saturday, and now I feel more lost than ever. I guess school always gave me some sort of structure and direction in my life when I had none personally, and now that its over I don't know what to do. Outside of going to my part-time job I haven't left the apartment once since I got home from the commencement ceremony. I haven't even started looking for jobs yet either despite loads of free time and resources to do so.

There's no real immediate pressure for me to do anything either, I have enough cash savings to live a subsistence lifestyle for a few years without working, which may just be what I end up doing. But even when the money runs out, I'm not even sure if the immediate threat of starvation would even phase me into action. I suppose part of the problem is that I never really expected to live this long in the first place, and so there's this large feeling of "what now?"

Click to shrink...

Are you me, OP?

A bit of advice that a friend gave to me is that there are at least two types of people. There are those who seek a career they are passionate about and get a big chunk of their fulfillment in life out of it. Then there are those who have hobbies and passions outside of work, and that the work they do is simply to sustain their desired lifestyle, hobbies and passions. If you're not sure what kind of career you'd like to pursue or even pursue one, try to find some hobbies and passions first then. Join a club, learn a martial arts, learn programming and design websites, go hiking - try new things. It'd help to do something where you can meet people too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that direction doesn't necessarily equal career. Find what activities you enjoy to do in life, work or not work-related, and do what you can to financially support that lifestyle.

I'm literally just talking hobbies and interests and trying out new things and seeing if you like them or not. Not necessarily dreams or anything. Not everyone just gets those overnight.

 

[Steel]

To answer your question OP.... Well, it's not simple at all. But it will only get more difficult to get what you want the longer you wait. And while it may not be exactly what you really want, it will likely be better than the life you'd lead without it.

On the ambition thing... I think it'd be self-destructive to over-pursue an ambition like a career because you're trying to run away from yourself. Actually, scratch that, I know this much. Most people aren't very ambitious, they achieve one or two life goals and call it good. My suggestion would be to find a hobby that you can work on, and I mean more than video games. Like maybe write something, it helps you unbottle when you create something and you can be whoever you want when you do something like that.

To be frank, it’s easy enough to figure out all of what you mean here from a few minutes looking at your post history. I don’t think you need to hide that much - though you should only post how much you’re comfortable with, of course, and I get what you mean both about the communities and voicing your views within them.

Click to shrink...

From the earlier posts(and several since) it really seems to be a rorschach test of who knows and who doesn't.

 

[FullMetalx]

I'm kind of similar OP. And I don't even want to brag but I have pretty good life compared to many - great job, big family, etc....yet I still feel like I'm just going through the regular.pointless motions of life. Nothing seems to excite me. Even the idea of getting married one day, having kids, becoming wealthier, etc. But I can't get myself to be excited about any of those because I just know the happiness wouldn't last. Happiness literally comes and goes and in some ways it sucks knowing that because I can't get myself to be excited/happy about anything...

Different, but I totally feel you OP

 

[preta]

Its been almost six years (much longer if you count the time I was confused but struggling with the same thoughts and feelings) and I am probably further away from accepting myself than I ever have been. At this point I'm not sure if its even possible. Multiple affirmative therapists haven't been able to change my perspective in the slightest.



I'm from the midwestern United States.

But, I don't think one can blame my upbringing at all for the way I feel about myself. My parents (who are fully aware of my issues) are far more supportive and accepting about it than I am.

Click to shrink...

As I said before, it's definitely not too late. I know people who've taken 10-15 years longer and then still lived happily.

I think you understand deep down that your only real feasible choice is to accept it, so it's just a question of sooner or later. As the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the second best time is today. I understand that it'll take effort, but please try, for your own sake.

 

[deepFlaw]

From the earlier posts(and several since) it really seems to be a rorschach test of who knows and who doesn't.

Click to shrink...

I mean, I’m only dancing around things because Geirskogul seems to not want to specifically discuss it here despite posting about it otherwise; like I said, spending a few minutes in her post history out of curiosity made everything she’s said clear, though it also lined up with what I personally expected based on the OP anyway. I don’t want to make things worse for her by saying something she’s not comfortable saying herself, so vagueness it is.

...I will say I think the advice being given by people who aren’t picking up on what the OP is about has been kinda irrelevant, though well intentioned and can be good advice in general.

 

[umop 3pisdn]

nm

 

[Driggonny]

I don't know...

Maybe pursue hedonism for a bit... play some good games, do some sex, idk. You don't have to get anywhere right now, there's no rush based on what you said.

 

[Geirskogul]

On the ambition thing... I think it'd be self-destructive to over-pursue an ambition like a career because you're trying to run away from yourself. Actually, scratch that, I know this much. Most people aren't very ambitious, they achieve one or two life goals and call it good.

Click to shrink...

That was actually my exact plan a couple years ago, but I've long since realized that I simply don't have the motivation or drive to really pursue anything with much vigor as I am now.

My suggestion would be to find a hobby that you can work on, and I mean more than video games. Like maybe write something, it helps you unbottle when you create something and you can be whoever you want when you do something like that.

Click to shrink...

Heh, I actually used to love writing back during middle and high school. Looking back its almost hilarious at how most characters were painfully obvious self-inserts of my idealized self.

As I said before, it's definitely not too late. I know people who've taken 10-15 years longer and then still lived happily.

I think you understand deep down that your only real feasible choice is to accept it, so it's just a question of sooner or later. As the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the second best time is today. I understand that it'll take effort, but please try, for your own sake.

Click to shrink...

I used to draw inspiration from those same success stories, but increasingly they've only made me more despondent about the physical reality of my body.

But even in a best case scenario I'm not sure I would be content. I used to agonize over the regret of not saying anything to my parents ~10 years ago (I still do) when things could have turned out better, but now I'm not even sure if that would have been enough, I just don't think I will ever be able to accept being born wrong.

 

[preta]

But even in a best case scenario I'm not sure I would be content. I used to agonize over the regret of not saying anything to my parents ~10 years ago (I still do) when things could have turned out better, but now I'm not even sure if that would have been enough, I just don't think I will ever be able to accept being born wrong.

Click to shrink...

I have no doubt that you would at the very least feel happier than you do currently if you try.

 

[TheCthultist]

Since others have already posted genuinely good advice, let me give you a little generic, middle-of-the-road, baseline advice to go along with it: Start writing this stuff down. Make some kind of record of how you feel about all this, and make it honest. You shouldn’t have to explain to anyone else what’s “wrong with you” as you put it, but putting it into words on paper or in text can really help put some perspective behind it.

And when you do finally find something that works for you to get you through all this, write that down to. Because I can guarantee you there are other people out there feeling the same who would greatly benefit from a genuine, first-hand explanation of what you’re going through and how you ultimately get through it. You could do a lot of good for others in similar situations by just giving them someone to relate to; especially if you yourself have had a hard time finding someone like that.

 

[Darknight]

Maybe I'm tired and just misread, but what is the thing that you want that is unattainable?

 

[makingmusic476]

Best of luck to you OP. There are many people on this Earth that will accept you for who you are.

 

[Treasure Silvergun]

I kinda know the feel. Luckily, I’m a man of my word. Even when choices were (and sometimes, still are) made for me by someone else, if they weren’t totally unacceptable for me, I committed to them. So now I have a life that I like, even if I don’t really have any ambitions or goals. Things happen, I’ll accept or refuse them, try some new things, commit to something new for at least a while. Way too many people are strangely goal-driven and ambitious while they adhere to the idea that life is ultimately meaningless, so I think you can fare well.

I’d advise you to find a job that you like enough, though. Money is a necessity.

 

[NTGYK]

Maybe I'm tired and just misread, but what is the thing that you want that is unattainable?

Click to shrink...

Reading between the lines gives you a few possible answers from the esoteric to the rather unsavory

 

[preta]

Reading between the lines gives you a few possible answers from the esoteric to the rather unsavory

Click to shrink...

It's nothing unsavory.

 

[Geirskogul]

Best of luck to you OP. There are many people on this Earth that will accept you for who you are.

Click to shrink...

I'm not sure if external validation and support can really help. Everyone I have told in my personal life has been completely supportive and accepting. But it has done nothing to improve my own internal view of my condition. I still loath myself for being what I am and feeling what I do.

I have no doubt that you would at the very least feel happier than you do currently if you try.

Click to shrink...

The few changes I have pursued have been a mixed bag. I never wanted my family to know about this, and while they reacted to it as best as one could hope, I still regret telling them. I feel more embarrassed and ashamed around them than ever, even if that may not be the way they feel about me.

Since pursuing medical intervention ~6 months ago I feel a bit better about myself physically, but mentally I am probably worse than ever, although its difficult to tell when you've been seriously depressed for half a decade.

 

[Steel]

That was actually my exact plan a couple years ago, but I've long since realized that I simply don't have the motivation or drive to really pursue anything with much vigor as I am now.

Click to shrink...

Just to be clear, I do suggest you get some structure in your life of some sort. Whether it's a desk job that you don't care much about or taking more classes in college. It won't make you feel better but it'll help you tune things out. Still, that won't help you address the underlying issue, but I know I'm not gonna convince you to make a decision on that front over the internet. You are quite lucky to have people around you that accept you, though. You should take advantage of that.

Heh, I actually used to love writing back during middle and high school. Looking back its almost hilarious at how most characters were painfully obvious self-inserts of my idealized self.

Click to shrink...

Then write what you want to write. You can post it anonymously on a corner of the internet if you want or keep it to yourself. Having an outlet like that for your real self is a good step to being more comfortable with yourself.

Reading between the lines gives you a few possible answers from the esoteric to the rather unsavory

Click to shrink...

I suppose I have the advantage of first-hand experience, but is it really that hard to figure out what OP is talking about?

 

[TheBeardedOne]

I'm looking for more structure as well, and also have trouble finding motivation. I wish I could own a house and have a wife or girlfriend, but I don't think I ever will, not at my age and with how far back I am.

My job doesn't pay enough, and I can't decide what to go back to school for. I'm working on some things, but feel like I'm way behind everyone else and will never catch up.

Depression sucks

 

[deepFlaw]

I suppose I have the advantage of first-hand experience, but is it really that hard to figure out what OP is talking about?

Click to shrink...

Yeah, as I’ve said I similarly understood what she was talking about (and then confirmed via history, etc.) and was a little confused about how others weren’t picking up on this. However, once NTGYK posted that, I thought through it and can see how certain ways she worded things vaguely (an “incurable” “underlying issue” that prevents you from happily marrying and starting a family, that degree of self hatred, only discussing it within certain communities, etc.) could be interpreted in a very very very and much worse different way.

I just think it’s a bit weird to assume that this alternate possibility is a thing someone would post about here like this, and you’d also have to ignore quite a few other details that go against that even within her first 2 posts.

 

[Geirskogul]

Just to be clear, I do suggest you get some structure in your life of some sort. Whether it's a desk job that you don't care much about or taking more classes in college. It won't make you feel better but it'll help you tune things out. Still, that won't help you address the underlying issue, but I know I'm not gonna convince you to make a decision on that front over the internet. You are quite lucky to have people around you that accept you, though. You should take advantage of that.

Click to shrink...

I probably will try and get the ball rolling on something soon. I don't think I really have the personality type to live even a semi-NEET lifestyle for very long without going completely crazy.

And yeah, I know I'm incredibly privileged relative to many people who suffer from the same condition that I do, but that sometimes only makes me feel even more guilty for being so despondent.

I suppose I have the advantage of first-hand experience, but is it really that hard to figure out what OP is talking about?

Click to shrink...

Honestly, its probably not fair for me to be as cryptic as I have been, so even though I might get banned for saying this I'll try to be as honest as best as I can for the sake of clarity

<<Trigger warning, potentially highly offensive>>

You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.

 

[Steel]

I probably will try and get the ball rolling on something soon. I don't think I really have the personality type to live even a semi-NEET lifestyle for very long without going completely crazy.

Click to shrink...

Just remember that's not gonna be a solution, just a way to ignore the problem.

And yeah, I know I'm incredibly privileged relative to many people who suffer from the same condition that I do, but that sometimes only makes me feel even more guilty for being so despondent

Click to shrink...

I'm sure you know this is a pretty dangerous feedback loop.

Honestly, its probably not fair for me to be as cryptic as I have been, so even though I might get banned for saying this I'll try to be as honest as best as I can for the sake of clarity

Click to shrink...

It's fair, it's just that you weren't really cryptic at all from my perspective. I pretty much guessed at your views below, too.

<<Trigger warning, potentially highly offensive>>

You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.

Click to shrink...

Not sure why you'd get banned for that unless you started trying to make other people think the same way about themselves. And, honestly, most trans individuals have thought similarly at some point. The sooner you move on from that the better, but that's easier said than done, since society's conditioning has given you certain views of "normal". To be blunt, it really doesn't do any good to obsess about how you wish you were born. The only thing you can change is how you express and present yourself now. Again, though, I'm certain I won't be able to convince you of anything on this front over the internet, but you really need to work on being more comfortable with yourself.

Yeah, as I’ve said I similarly understood what she was talking about (and then confirmed via history, etc.) and was a little confused about how others weren’t picking up on this. However, once NTGYK posted that, I thought through it and can see how certain ways she worded things vaguely (an “incurable” “underlying issue” that prevents you from happily marrying and starting a family, that degree of self hatred, only discussing it within certain communities, etc.) could be interpreted in a very very very and much worse different way.

I just think it’s a bit weird to assume that this alternate possibility is a thing someone would post about here like this, and you’d also have to ignore quite a few other details that go against that even within her first 2 posts.

Click to shrink...

You know, now that you put it that way, yeah that can be very very badly misinterpreted.

 

[Ajax125]

Honestly, i think the only thing that would help you gain perspective for your life and how fortunate you are to have been able to live this long would be to travel outside of the country. I felt a similar way after graduating and ended up booking a trip to africa for around a month. In doing that, i feel like i was able to learn more about myself and what i wanted to do when i came home.

Sometimes a temporary change of environment is what your mind needs in order to figure out what path you are going in life.

 

[Geirskogul]

Not sure why you'd get banned for that unless you started trying to make other people think the same way about themselves. And, honestly, most trans individuals have thought similarly at some point. The sooner you move on from that the better, but that's easier said than done, since society's conditioning has given you certain views of "normal". To be blunt, it really doesn't do any good to obsess about how you wish you were born. The only thing you can change is how you express and present yourself now. Again, though, I'm certain I won't be able to convince you of anything on this front over the internet, but you really need to work on being more comfortable with yourself.

Click to shrink...

People have been banned for less, which is understandable, as it is a sensitive issue. Even the simple way I refer to it as an "affliction" or "condition" is likely be seen as problematic to quite a few people.

Ultimately that's what makes it rather difficult to try and unpack these issues. People who haven't dealt with the same issue just cannot fully understsnd, regardless of how open-minded and empathetic they are, and When around other people dealing with the same thing, I can't be fully honest without risking upsetting others. The other alternative is to deliberately seek out rather toxic communities where no one cares about being offensive (like /lgbt/ for example) but that's a bad idea for many obvious reasons. Dealing with multiple therapists who have been positive and affirmative over the years hasn't seemed to help much as well. Either they've been too inexperienced in working with ppl like me, or I just haven't been receptive to their advice. Either way, I suppose the only thing to do is to keep trying until I find one that I do click with, if it ever happens.

 

[Man God]

I probably will try and get the ball rolling on something soon. I don't think I really have the personality type to live even a semi-NEET lifestyle for very long without going completely crazy.

And yeah, I know I'm incredibly privileged relative to many people who suffer from the same condition that I do, but that sometimes only makes me feel even more guilty for being so despondent.



Honestly, its probably not fair for me to be as cryptic as I have been, so even though I might get banned for saying this I'll try to be as honest as best as I can for the sake of clarity

<<Trigger warning, potentially highly offensive>>

You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.

Click to shrink...

This sounds like how I thought for over ten years about myself, though not about that issue. I only realized years ago that it probably started around 5th grade when I realized I didn't have any concrete dreams or goals at all. None. Vague notions of teaching. No idea where to go to school and I tried a major I had no love for but muddled through. The shame and disappointment I was causing for those around me (at least in my mind) even though I was well supported. I was severely depressed and the only thing that kept me from being suicidally so was the idea that having a son die like that would only cause even more shame and embarrassment for my family. After my mom hurt her back though I moved back close to home and started helping out, and around that time my sister had kids and I started taking care of them during my free time, which I have quite a bit of and little by little the new sense of purpose got me to a much better mental state, though it seems now its my physical body that's betraying me now that I got my mind right, or well, mostly right.

All I mean by that is hang in there. Try to find the one thing to give meaning to your life. It can be a small thing that leads to a much larger thing. Just now that I can really understand where you are coming from on the self loathing and feeling even worse when people try to help.

 

[Conkersbadfurday]

Well what I do is take up creative projects like writing or making music and then drink shitloads of alcohol. The combination of the two keeps me pretty busy.

Have you had any interest in the like? You mentioned writing a bit in high school. I'd say take it up again. Try a short story and see how that goes. We have those creative writing challenges every week, so if you don't have an idea or theme, you can bebop over and find one.

I find the busier I am the less time I have to be sad about myself, but YMMV

 

[Titik]

I think I know what you have. People live long and healthy lives with your condition. The self hatred, on the other hand, is something you really have to work with your therapist. Good luck to you, OP.

 

[Kapus]

<<Trigger warning, potentially highly offensive>>

You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.

Click to shrink...

I don’t personally see anything disgusting, shameful or heinous about it. Why do you feel that way? Is it the general stigma and bigotry people have about others like you?

I suffer from the same condition, and while I am often depressed and discouraged about it, I’ve never been ashamed of who I am.

 

[lmcfigs]

I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you this, but you don't have to stop going to school after getting your bachelor's degree... If that's something that interests you, why not try to take it to the next level?

I have pretty bad social anxiety due to a skin condition I have. Graduation was a really hard time for me also and it's really heartbreaking that life is full of setbacks and losses. But the alternative of not doing anything isn't too nice either.

Edit: After reading your last post: I don't think anyone would ban you for that.

 

[Geirskogul]

This sounds like how I thought for over ten years about myself, though not about that issue. I only realized years ago that it probably started around 5th grade when I realized I didn't have any concrete dreams or goals at all. None. Vague notions of teaching. No idea where to go to school and I tried a major I had no love for but muddled through. The shame and disappointment I was causing for those around me (at least in my mind) even though I was well supported. I was severely depressed and the only thing that kept me from being suicidally so was the idea that having a son die like that would only cause even more shame and embarrassment for my family. After my mom hurt her back though I moved back close to home and started helping out, and around that time my sister had kids and I started taking care of them during my free time, which I have quite a bit of and little by little the new sense of purpose got me to a much better mental state, though it seems now its my physical body that's betraying me now that I got my mind right, or well, mostly right.

All I mean by that is hang in there. Try to find the one thing to give meaning to your life. It can be a small thing that leads to a much larger thing. Just now that I can really understand where you are coming from on the self loathing and feeling even worse when people try to help.

Click to shrink...

I can relate to this a lot. I've come close to killing myself multiple times but the thought of what it would do to my family has always held me back. We live in different cities so I don't see them very often, but when I am around them or even talk to them on the phone the shame and embarrassment I feel is just so overwhelming, so I don't visit or call as much as I probably should. I'm glad things got better for you, and I hope your physical issues improve.

I don’t personally see anything disgusting, shameful or heinous about it. Why do you feel that way? Is it the general stigma and bigotry people have about others like you?

I suffer from the same condition, and while I am often depressed and discouraged about it, I’ve never been ashamed of who I am.

Click to shrink...

It may be societal condition, or I may just be a larger bigot inside that I thought I was. I find myself agreeing with most anti-trans feminist rhetoric and literature. That's probably the biggest source of my self-hatred, as I consider their arguments to have a lot of validity and legitimacy (unlike the religious crowd who as an atheist I just laugh at) and I have never really seen a positive refutation of them that I could fully agree with.

I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you this, but you don't have to stop going to school after getting your bachelor's degree... If that's something that interests you, why not try to take it to the next level?

Click to shrink...

I actually do plan on going to grad school in the next couple years, as I kinda hate both my undergrad majors. But it would be Fall 2019 at the earliest.

 

[meowdi gras]

Honestly, its probably not fair for me to be as cryptic as I have been, so even though I might get banned for saying this I'll try to be as honest as best as I can for the sake of clarity

Click to shrink...

This is exactly how I felt about my identity for most of my life, and wasted a shit-ton of anxiety, guilt, and self-hatred over it. I only finally embraced it once I was approaching my forties and out of other options for coping. So glad I did, I've never been so happy in my whole life.

 

[erpg]

Not sure why you'd be ashamed to explain your condition of those are your thoughts on it. Guess step one is coming to terms with that and sharing.