NOTE:
I want to start off by saying that I am not a doctor or expert in this field in any way so take my opinions with a heavy grain of salt as my thoughts are based on my own personal life events & circumstances, and if you have serious inquiries about this subject then I would consult a mental health professional instead of this thread. This is partly a personal venting thread, but mostly I would like to discuss what kinds of lasting affects hovering & controlling parents can have on people well into their adulthood with other people from this community who have been through this issue first-hand like myself.
Venting Time:
I'm currently a millennial living at home with my parents like many of my generation are stuck doing. I've lived there my entire life, and even through college as I lived close to school & couldn't afford a dorm. So I'm 27 years old and I've never lived in an environment away from my parents. Naturally, it has caused some negative effects to my mental health over the years. I'm going to start with my Mom. She is someone who clearly is scared to death of making mistakes. Growing up In my household, mistakes weren't acceptable. You had to do everything right. My Mom would take control of everything I had to do, hover over me while I did, and second guess every choice I made throughout until I eventually just gave up and did what she told me to do. It was like this for all big homework assignments, work applications, taxes, etc. Pretty much anything important that would have some kind of repercussion if I messed up. I remember every time we had to sit down together to get something done this feeling of restraint would fall over me and I would become antsy and on-edge until we were done. I would be talked down to like I was a little kid through the whole process because my Mom always felt like I wasn't taking things as seriously as she was. I was, I just wasn't taking her seriously anymore. That's where my Dad comes into the picture. He's my Mom's personal dog to sic on me and my siblings whenever we do something that she doesn't agree with. Normally, he doesn't give a shit, like at all. We're not his problem whatsoever so he says. He goes to work, pays the bills, and checks out from any parenting tasks other than discipline. But he can't stand my Mom getting emotionally distressed every time we finally stand up to her a little bit about the hovering. So she goes to my Dad and spins it off as disrespecting a parent which unleashes the hound so to speak. I've never not known a time when this cycle of dysfunction wasn't a normal part of my life. Like all struggles, it took a long time to recognize that it was not normal and start working towards a solution. That happened for me about 5 years ago. Since then, I've noticed that my life is much better when I just don't include my parents in it. I don't talk to them about anything really anymore, and sadly it's kind of been bliss. I can't escape it all the time though. My Mom still swoops in to control things when the chance arises. The past couple of days, she's been on my case about getting my taxes paid which I would've gladly done already if I had my tax documents with me, but I couldn't because she had them (because they were important and she couldn't risk us losing them, forgetting about them, etc.). I decided to get the payment done today after my job's work-from-home tasks were done, and again I had to push to get her to let me do it myself. I happened to made a mistake during the process (ended up paying a little more than I should've, easy fix) so my Mom immediately returns to "treat him like he's 5 again" mode, started bawling her eyes out like this mistake was the end of the fucking world, and sics my Dad onto me like clockwork for "never listening to her". Holy shit. I'm twenty fucking seven. I'm an adult who made a mistake so let me be an adult and fix my mistake. That's how we learn and grow as people.
tl;dr - I've lived at home with controlling parents for 27 years with no breaks, even college. You can imagine how that's gone.
Discussion Time:
I'm sure everyone has their own stories to tell, and I would like to focus on the effects that parents like this can have on a person that can stunt their growth as an individual and cause repercussions through other facets of their lives. For me, the effects seemed to boil down to a few key discussion points.
- "Why do we fall?" & The importance of not being afraid to let your kids make mistakes
I often feel I have learned so much more about life from films, books, etc. than I did from my parents so I'm going to start this with a quote from Batman Begins, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." This feels like it can be the hardest thing for parents to accept and prepare for. Your kids are human, humans will make mistakes, and some lessons in life can only be taught by making mistakes first. Failing and picking ourselves back up is one of those lessons. Parents should prepare kids to think things through so they can make good choices and avoid stupid mistakes, but give them the freedom to fail and learn how to fix them as it's a critical life skill in my mind. I feel my parents have never wanted me to learn that skill. For me, this fear of failure that my parents have instilled in me from birth has had a lasting impact on my ability to take risks in life. You can't pursue a career without taking risks. You can't find love without taking risks. I now have neither. I remember the first big risk I took that failed and it caused me to basically shut down for months. I often wonder where I would be today if I'd had the freedom and encouragement to live my life to the fullest without mental shackles.
- How little things have drastic effects of showing no faith in your kids
Branching off of the last point, this inability to take even small risks and succeed has led to a steady decrease in my confidence over time. Now, combine that with years of parents feeding you doubt over your ability to handle simple tasks by taking control of them out of your hands, and you've got yourself an individual who simply does not believe in themselves. Life is a serious struggle and if they don't believe in themselves then how can they be expected to make it on their own? If your parents don't believe in you then how can you believe in yourself? Some give up without a source to refuel that sense of self-worth. Some will go looking for others to feed that self-worth which could lead to someone potentially dangerous who lies to falsely feed your self worth and keep you around.
- The "They're just being a parent" excuse
To put a pretty bow around the previous two points, this is the response that most parents use to put a bow around all of their toxic behavior. They're worried that you will be ok, and somehow that makes what they do ok, so you're expected to just let it go. This is what gets you to accept it and let it last for decades without a fuss. Parents, I know you're worried, I have no doubt I'll be worried about my kids when I'm older, but please don't let it get the better of you. I'm very glad that I had the epiphany that I had about 5 years ago that got me out of this behavior being normalcy mindset and started me down a better path. I now feel I am in a better position to be a good parent in the future.
Your Turn
I know this was a long read, but I'd love to hear what thoughts others have on this subject and it's talking points, or even if you have a story to tell as well. I'd like this to be as honest and judgement-free of a topic as it can as I know it can be a very personal and sensitive subject to talk about. I often find that my thoughts become much clearer and easier to understand and discuss once I start writing them out. It's helped me with many things over the years.
And for those stuck quarantined with their controlling parents during the COVID-19 outbreak, how are you holding up?
I want to start off by saying that I am not a doctor or expert in this field in any way so take my opinions with a heavy grain of salt as my thoughts are based on my own personal life events & circumstances, and if you have serious inquiries about this subject then I would consult a mental health professional instead of this thread. This is partly a personal venting thread, but mostly I would like to discuss what kinds of lasting affects hovering & controlling parents can have on people well into their adulthood with other people from this community who have been through this issue first-hand like myself.
Venting Time:
I'm currently a millennial living at home with my parents like many of my generation are stuck doing. I've lived there my entire life, and even through college as I lived close to school & couldn't afford a dorm. So I'm 27 years old and I've never lived in an environment away from my parents. Naturally, it has caused some negative effects to my mental health over the years. I'm going to start with my Mom. She is someone who clearly is scared to death of making mistakes. Growing up In my household, mistakes weren't acceptable. You had to do everything right. My Mom would take control of everything I had to do, hover over me while I did, and second guess every choice I made throughout until I eventually just gave up and did what she told me to do. It was like this for all big homework assignments, work applications, taxes, etc. Pretty much anything important that would have some kind of repercussion if I messed up. I remember every time we had to sit down together to get something done this feeling of restraint would fall over me and I would become antsy and on-edge until we were done. I would be talked down to like I was a little kid through the whole process because my Mom always felt like I wasn't taking things as seriously as she was. I was, I just wasn't taking her seriously anymore. That's where my Dad comes into the picture. He's my Mom's personal dog to sic on me and my siblings whenever we do something that she doesn't agree with. Normally, he doesn't give a shit, like at all. We're not his problem whatsoever so he says. He goes to work, pays the bills, and checks out from any parenting tasks other than discipline. But he can't stand my Mom getting emotionally distressed every time we finally stand up to her a little bit about the hovering. So she goes to my Dad and spins it off as disrespecting a parent which unleashes the hound so to speak. I've never not known a time when this cycle of dysfunction wasn't a normal part of my life. Like all struggles, it took a long time to recognize that it was not normal and start working towards a solution. That happened for me about 5 years ago. Since then, I've noticed that my life is much better when I just don't include my parents in it. I don't talk to them about anything really anymore, and sadly it's kind of been bliss. I can't escape it all the time though. My Mom still swoops in to control things when the chance arises. The past couple of days, she's been on my case about getting my taxes paid which I would've gladly done already if I had my tax documents with me, but I couldn't because she had them (because they were important and she couldn't risk us losing them, forgetting about them, etc.). I decided to get the payment done today after my job's work-from-home tasks were done, and again I had to push to get her to let me do it myself. I happened to made a mistake during the process (ended up paying a little more than I should've, easy fix) so my Mom immediately returns to "treat him like he's 5 again" mode, started bawling her eyes out like this mistake was the end of the fucking world, and sics my Dad onto me like clockwork for "never listening to her". Holy shit. I'm twenty fucking seven. I'm an adult who made a mistake so let me be an adult and fix my mistake. That's how we learn and grow as people.
tl;dr - I've lived at home with controlling parents for 27 years with no breaks, even college. You can imagine how that's gone.
Discussion Time:
I'm sure everyone has their own stories to tell, and I would like to focus on the effects that parents like this can have on a person that can stunt their growth as an individual and cause repercussions through other facets of their lives. For me, the effects seemed to boil down to a few key discussion points.
- "Why do we fall?" & The importance of not being afraid to let your kids make mistakes
I often feel I have learned so much more about life from films, books, etc. than I did from my parents so I'm going to start this with a quote from Batman Begins, "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." This feels like it can be the hardest thing for parents to accept and prepare for. Your kids are human, humans will make mistakes, and some lessons in life can only be taught by making mistakes first. Failing and picking ourselves back up is one of those lessons. Parents should prepare kids to think things through so they can make good choices and avoid stupid mistakes, but give them the freedom to fail and learn how to fix them as it's a critical life skill in my mind. I feel my parents have never wanted me to learn that skill. For me, this fear of failure that my parents have instilled in me from birth has had a lasting impact on my ability to take risks in life. You can't pursue a career without taking risks. You can't find love without taking risks. I now have neither. I remember the first big risk I took that failed and it caused me to basically shut down for months. I often wonder where I would be today if I'd had the freedom and encouragement to live my life to the fullest without mental shackles.
- How little things have drastic effects of showing no faith in your kids
Branching off of the last point, this inability to take even small risks and succeed has led to a steady decrease in my confidence over time. Now, combine that with years of parents feeding you doubt over your ability to handle simple tasks by taking control of them out of your hands, and you've got yourself an individual who simply does not believe in themselves. Life is a serious struggle and if they don't believe in themselves then how can they be expected to make it on their own? If your parents don't believe in you then how can you believe in yourself? Some give up without a source to refuel that sense of self-worth. Some will go looking for others to feed that self-worth which could lead to someone potentially dangerous who lies to falsely feed your self worth and keep you around.
- The "They're just being a parent" excuse
To put a pretty bow around the previous two points, this is the response that most parents use to put a bow around all of their toxic behavior. They're worried that you will be ok, and somehow that makes what they do ok, so you're expected to just let it go. This is what gets you to accept it and let it last for decades without a fuss. Parents, I know you're worried, I have no doubt I'll be worried about my kids when I'm older, but please don't let it get the better of you. I'm very glad that I had the epiphany that I had about 5 years ago that got me out of this behavior being normalcy mindset and started me down a better path. I now feel I am in a better position to be a good parent in the future.
Your Turn
I know this was a long read, but I'd love to hear what thoughts others have on this subject and it's talking points, or even if you have a story to tell as well. I'd like this to be as honest and judgement-free of a topic as it can as I know it can be a very personal and sensitive subject to talk about. I often find that my thoughts become much clearer and easier to understand and discuss once I start writing them out. It's helped me with many things over the years.
And for those stuck quarantined with their controlling parents during the COVID-19 outbreak, how are you holding up?
