Honestly... I really just... Don't know anymore.

[Deleted member 5334]

I know we have a generalized depression thread, but I feel it might get lost in the rest of the posts in there.

Anyways.

I'm honestly done with Grindr. Like, completely. In fact, I wanna say this as a whole experience with dating apps. I have not had any damn good experience what-so-ever, and what just happened just completely soured it, especially on how the person chose to respond.

So, I'll be blunt: I'm out of shape. I am overweight. I don't hide this fact. I'm generally upfront and I do try to be open about it. My only crime, on Grindr, is I haven't updated my profile pic in awhile, which honestly, I'll own to that being on me. However, I usually try to send more recent photos, which I did in this conversation earlier.

My generalized experience I have as a whole on these applications has been this:

- Attempt to befriend people.
- Make progress and usually get to the point of meeting each other.
- Meet in person and things seem... to usually not go well and I can usually tell just from mannerisms and how they're responding to me, or how quickly they decide to go.
- Most instances end up person choosing to no longer contact me. Ghost me completely. Remove me from their match, or outright block me.
- One instance I had befriended someone, everything seemed to have gone well enough, and it turns out I'm too childish, and that, as he quoted me, isn't a therapist. And he ended us hanging out together.
- Most of my experiences on Grindr have ended with people blocking me. For reasons I'm not too sure about, other than maybe I didn't get back to them in time or something...

Either way, this last attempt to befriend and maybe have something more on Grindr, ended on a really, really, sour note for me and I think I'm just done. I'm incredibly sensitive about my weight, my appearance, and how I present myself. The previous conversation a couple days ago, and then recently, everything seemed to be going alright.

I had sent him a more recent picture the previous day, as I didn't want misconceptions what I look like, and most recently, he actually asked me if I had full body photo. So I decide to take a picture, admittedly a little messy due to not having had a chance to clean myself up, but it is in the middle of the night, so I figured that was fine. Took one with a shirt, and one without a shirt.

His response? "You look nothing like your profile pic."

I admitted to him I hadn't updated in quite awhile, and then he said. "Not cool. Well, bye."

And I'm just like, "Wait, wait, I sent you an updated photo earlier, remember?", as I had in the earlier conversation.

He responds to me: "You need a gym. Sorry."

And...

I don't know.

Between how many people avoid me. How many people find it incredibly difficult to talk to me due to me being very socially inept and having difficulty relating and discussing topics with people... I've been ghosted so many damn times in my life that it's hard to tell you how often it's happened. I won't lie some of it's on me, but a lot of times, it's just because of my personality, my communication skills, my awkward behavior, and among other things, some of these which I can't control.

And I just... feel like I'm done. I really am. I'm so tired of not being able to talk with people, have people avoid me, ignore me, even in conversations I have with my own family members...

I really don't even know what to do more. There's a lot more I could discuss here, but just everything adds up and... I don't know.

Disclosure: I am in therapy for depression and anxiety problems. Some of this is in relation to the issues I have above. But I've been in therapy for 14+ years now, though, so... Sigh.

 

[Biestmann]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Your insistence to not update your profile picture when you have newer pictures available seems to indicate your lack of faith in attracting someone with how you currently look. Do yourself a favor and update the picture to reflect the current you. People don't appreciate being deceived, and even if you amend for it later, it will leave a sour note. That's completely justified. On the other hand, if someone reaches out to you knowing full-well how you look now, isn't that a great feeling? It will allow you to talk to them without the need to amend for anything, and to forge this new relationship with more confidence.

 

[ItsBobbyDarin]

It may sound cruel, but maybe you should go to the gym? It does not only give you a good body, but also a new mindset. You automatically become more social confident.

You, luckily, only have a weight problem, which can easily be fixed. If you were blind or deaf, that's another issue. Go to the Gym, Era will root for you brother.

 

[ADee]

I don't know what to say more than I sympathize with you. Alot of people on dating apps are jerks so don't get too down on it but I know how it is to get multiple rejections in a row.
Just try for now to focus on yourself, and the right one will come to you. Take a break from dating if it's top stressful, because right now you're in a position that it seems you can't handle rejection. Hit a gym or get a hobby if you feel like you have to and if would help.
And by the way it is not about being overweight it is more how you percieve yourself. If you would feel better with your looks or just be more proud and confident of yourself then that will stand out.

 

[Kismet]

Remove Grindr. That will be a good start. And hit the gym? It's always good to work on yourself.

As I said in the LGBT thread: it's easy to find sex on Grindr, but very hard to find a decent person to have it with. I removed it very quickly. Most people on the app are assholes.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the app. But don't let that get you down. Try better dating apps instead. Apps where you have a profile with more pics of yourself.

 

[Senteevs]

I'm incredibly sensitive about my weight, my appearance, and how I present myself.

Click to shrink...

All these things are easily fixable with some time and determination. You can't complain if you're not willing to do something about it.

 

[OrakioRob]

I would say "fuck those guys" if you being overweight is a problem, but if that hits you so hard, maybe you really should go to a gym. Getting into shape might make you feel better after all.

Also, I think you should be brutally honest in your profile. Tell people you're overweight, tell them you're in therapy. "Oh, but this will scare people off" -- well, right now you're only delaying it, and it hurts way more.

I met my wife through a dating site. I'm really, really thin. I mean, I'm 58 kilos (127 pounds) and honestly, I look a bit weird. I was very upfront about it. She's a beautiful woman, but she was looking for a different kind of guy, the kind you don't find at parties or clubs, so weird little me was exactly what she was looking for. We've been married for 13 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old son.

 

[Klyka]

Is Grindr used to find friends? I thougt it was a hook up app like Tinder

 

[Goda]

I'm going to echo what someone has already said and go to the gym. If you feel you have exhausted all other avenues this is your best bet.

Going to the gym will give you a lot more confidence and honestly, It'll help you out your game. A majority of people on dating sites are obviously going off looks.

As someone who has a shy brother but is absolutely jacked I have seen it first hand. This guy gets matched with everyone under the sun.

 

[egg]

Grindr isn't the best place to find decent gay guys in all honesty. I've met some good guys there though, even once helped a guy get out of an abusive situation. But in your case I'd definitely avoid it for a bit. Hitting the gym isn't a bad idea either. It's not just a physical thing, it's mental one as well. It will help you start to feel better about yourself, give you some confidence, and/or just make you a bit happier in general.

Is Grindr used to find friends? I thougt it was a hook up app like Tinder

Click to shrink...

It can be, not everyone is there to hook up. Like a good 5-10%.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

There are some people knowingly fatfishing guys with old pictures and they get called out on it . How long does it take to update a picture, that you already have in your hand? probably less time than it was to write the OP. It's the same thing as when women use old pictures, your first impression is not honest with someone. Use up to date pictures and people know what they are getting and if they see that you know they are OK with how you are. Maybe it's time to use this moment in your life to set away from Grindr and work on self improvement as a New Years goal. Best of luck, when you're ready to jump back in come to the Dating topic or join us on the Discord if you don't want to share too much on the forum. You can do this!

 

[Deleted member 5549]

sorry to hear that. I'm way out of the loop to be giving advice, when it comes to dating apps these days, but I had better experiences with scruff.

I'm guessing you're still very young, isn't there some kind of LGBT youth group you could visit?

 

[Boy Wander]

What a surprise that a superficial way of meeting people is full of superficial people. Having said that, update your pics so such People get filtered out before you have the chance to realise they're assholes.

 

[Deleted member 5334]

So, I think I need to clarify some things in this thread, because I'm getting a lot of Gym comments, so I need to make this clear:

1. The options for available Gyms in the area is a bit difficult. Between distance and what they have to offer, it's difficult for me to actually really consider them.

2. I'm on disability. In fact, I've been on disability almost my entire life, and work just isn't feasible for me. This complicates things, such as putting money down to local gyms, and they can get expensive, especially since all the gyms here are contract based from what researching I have done, so I'm not in the best shape to start this.

3. I absolutely would need to have a personalized trainer for the beginning of this, due to unfamiliarity with a lot of work out programs, as well as even using any of the machinery. However, this is extremely expensive and I just don't have the money to put down for this.

4. If I could somehow manage this, I'd be at the mercy of whenever the trainer would have time, and this brings up another issue: I can only make use of public transportation, and as it stands, the public transportation is extremely shitty in my area. Bus hours and routes continue to get cut, and some days they run extremely limited hours (or not at all). I cannot drive, nor do I remotely feel comfortable to drive. I have severe anxiety and panic attack disorders, and the idea of driving a car would only lead to probably a total melt down. Plus, as I mentioned, I'm on disability and don't have a lot of money to go around.

Plus, there's the issue which seems I may have not made clear in the above post: I have a very, very, difficult time communicating with people. Especially if it's through voice, rather than text. This causes me great anxiety, and has led to people misunderstanding me, or creating awkward situations for both parties when it's not what I was trying to ask for. So even asking for help on some things has been a pain in the ass. I've been trying to work on this, but I haven't had much luck.

I'll note, I can at least take walks and runs, and probably reduce the amount of calories and sugary drinks I consume (which I know I need to), so there is that at least. But for Gym? Probably not feasible for me.

Also, one... thing I wanna kinda clarify too...

All these things are easily fixable with some time and determination. You can't complain if you're not willing to do something about it.

Click to shrink...

This is actually something I've struggled my entire life. I never liked how I looked, even when I was in shaped, well groomed, and at a healthy body weight. Regardless of which end of the spectrum I've been at, I just never been happy with my body. Ever. It's something I've been trying to work on, especially being more open about how I present myself, but it's something I greatly struggle with and I just can't seem to find any kinda happiness with this.

EDIT:

sorry to hear that. I'm way out of the loop to be giving advice, when it comes to dating apps these days, but I had better experiences with scruff.

I'm guessing you're still very young, isn't there some kind of LGBT youth group you could visit?

Click to shrink...

I'm 29, going to be turning 30 next year, so not the youngest, but I wouldn't consider myself old.

The problem with this is there isn't a lot of support groups or, for that matter, groups as a whole, for LGBT people here in the area. Meetups, which seems popular in most areas, is almost non-existent for anything there (There used to be a lot more), and most of the groups that are there, are all religious. I looked at Pittsburgh, which is about 2-3 hours away, and there are so many different groups available, it's just sickening how little there is here.

Heck, I can't even find any local anime or gaming groups in the area, on Meetups or elsewhere. It's been argivating how difficult it is to find interest groups here.

 

[Alwayscrazybacon]

I'll note, I can at least take walks and runs, and probably reduce the amount of calories and sugary drinks I consume (which I know I need to), so there is that at least. But for Gym? Probably not feasible for me.

Click to shrink...

This is a great start, even if you can't afford the gym. I'm sure there's a home workout you could find on YouTube to work though as well.

 

[Goda]

This is a great start, even if you can't afford the gym. I'm sure there's a home workout you could find on YouTube to work though as well.

Click to shrink...

Exactly this. You don't need a personal trainer. There are hundreds if not thousands of workout videos on youtube that help beginners.

You technically don't even need a gym. Just do body weight exercises. It'll help you build some muscle and lean you out.

People don't realize the positive impact working out and eating healthy have on your self confidence.

 

[nekkid]

As above, you can start slow but build up to more rigorous exercise - and it can be really cheap!

Then there's some great fee workout videos out there to tone up using your body weight or some cheap equipment:

It won't be easy, but you'll feel great, and you'll be fighting them off with a stick!

 

[Chivalry]

https://www.reddit.com/r/bodyweightfitness/wiki/kb/recommended_routine

Read this. You don't need a gym to stay in good shape. You don't even need any equipment (although it helps)

 

[Jokergrin]

Get fit, just fucking do it. Figure out what you fight for and use that as your fuel. Become unstoppable.

 

[erpg]

Work out at home using YouTube routines. Only thing missing is determination.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

Investing in a home gym is a great start. Maybe around $50-$60 will get you a pair of dumbells and a set of weight plates. There are dozens and dozens of exercises you can do with just that alone at home. There are also many videos on YouTube that offer great programs, form advice and beginner guides.

Once you get into the rhythm of working out, it becomes quite addicting, as it relieves a lot of stress and anxiety, moreso when you start making progress!

Running/walks would also greatly help. Try downloading Pokemon Go, as it highly encourages distance goals and progress. I use it all the time to at least get me to hit 50km+ a week.

I'm about at your age and went through one of the hardest betrayals and emotional punches of my life. People throw the gym/workout solution out all the time, but I have to say that it really worked for me in keeping me busy, elevating my mood and relieving anxiety.

It's hard to get the ball rolling, and even easier to come up with a million excuses, but don't let your relative youth slip by while you can still make a sizable change to your lifestyle. You will notice the improvement and so will others.

Diet is important too, make sure to work on that as well!

Good luck, you can do it man!

 

[Deleted member 5334]

https://www.reddit.com/r/bodyweightfitness/wiki/kb/recommended_routine

Read this. You don't need a gym to stay in good shape. You don't even need any equipment (although it helps)

Click to shrink...

I appreciate this, but... I do better with visual learning. I'm looking through this a bit right now and I'm having a hard time understanding the directions here. Would it be possible to look up video tutorials on some of these? If so, any recommended YouTube channels?

 

[Pekola]

A lot of "hit the gym" advice is absolutely rooted in ableism.

So I'd say, take it with a grain of salt because people think it's just as easy as "putting in the work" without understanding that because of your disability, you have to work way harder just to do the simple things and putting yourself out there.

And then you'll end up basing your self worth on an idealized "fit" version of you. When the point is finding worth in everything that you are.

For a lot of people Grindr is a vicious cycle of meeting people and the subsequent dissapointment. Outright, you need to be brutally honest. Being fat is not a crime and you're not lesser than other gays for it. But you also can't be "fatfishing" because that's a waste of time and it'll just get people mad.

Personally? I'd say delete Grindr and forget about the idea of finding companionship at this moment. It doesn't seem like you're in the right mindset and the app can excerbate that. Get comfy with the idea of being alone. And start building towards your future in realistic ways, as opposed to pining for a relationship.

 

[Antrax]

Uninstall Grindr. Some people do very well on it, but a lot of people are just trying to get laid with traditionally hot guys.

fatfishing

Click to shrink...

Can we not with this?

 

[Keyser S]

This will sound harsh, but we are 22 posts into this thread and after reading the, I already really want to shout....

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR OWN FAULTS

You admit you have some problems, stop coming up with reasons not to sort them out.

At least try to fix little issues you have, and work towards the bigger ones... but stop finding reasons not to try.

 

[Chivalry]

I appreciate this, but... I do better with visual learning. I'm looking through this a bit right now and I'm having a hard time understanding the directions here. Would it be possible to look up video tutorials on some of these? If so, any recommended YouTube channels?

Click to shrink...

 

[Deleted member 5334]

Can we not with this?

Click to shrink...

I... I didn't even see this. Holy crap, that wasn't even my intention. I just simply haven't updated my profile pic (as I don't really get on Grindr as much as most people do) and I usually send more recent ones when I start chatting, almost immediately. I did this at the start of the chat and was open about the weight I was.

Yes, I'm at fault for not updating my photo picture, I admit that, but I...

Jesus, no.

And as per suggestions with everyone, I finally uninstalled the blasted app.

EDIT:

Click to shrink...

Alright, thank you for this.

 

[Pekola]

And as per suggestions with everyone, I finally uninstalled the blasted app.

Click to shrink...

Good. If you ever feel the urge to meet people, masturbate.

Post-nut clarity will save you from making rash decisions.

 

[PatMan]

Buy some kettle bells and a pull up bar. You can get into amazing shape just with a kettlebell

 

[Maurice Hamblin]

You're being ghosted because you're catfishing them. This is one of those situations where you likely already know what's happening but need someone else to lay it out for you.

Update your picture for now and either 1. Own the way you currently look and operate from a place of truth or 2. Lose weight which will likely boost your confidence along with your results.

 

[Rimon-Hanit]

This will sound harsh, but we are 22 posts into this thread and after reading the, I already really want to shout....

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR OWN FAULTS

You admit you have some problems, stop coming up with reasons not to sort them out.

At least try to fix little issues you have, and work towards the bigger ones... but stop finding reasons not to try.

Click to shrink...

Yep very frustrating

 

[JayC3]

Thread closed per OP's request.