How did you decide to have (or not have) kids?

[TheZodiacAge]

Reading the newspapers and statistics made me decide that.
We have the highest rate of "Knife crime" in schools ever (with 13 year olds stabbing other kids for fun) and 11 year old gangs that try to punch the police here.

I don't want to have a kid in my country and if i can't afford a place like Japan without working 300 hours a week i simply don't want to put someone into this garbage.

 

[Vish]

I can't really seem to get life started.

Before I was focused on getting a career. Now I'm basically going to get a divorce. I also feel like I'm giving up on my being rich aspirations, which means I'll want to fill my attention with something else by improving my development in other areas. I'm too self-centered for kids.

 

[Stranger Things]

I like kids for the most part, but i'm far too lazy and immature to be a real parent. I have 2 nephews and i love them to death! being an uncle is awesome! all the fun with NONE of the responsibilities. It's great. Having kids of my own would totally change my life, and it would (for the most part) be a positive thing, i think.

I'm just not sure what the world will have to offer in 20-50-100 years... the world is already overpopulated, lack of resources, tough job market, etc... life is not fair and i fear bringing children into a world that is not kind and actually quite messed up. I've suffered from depression, loneliness bordering on isolation my whole life, and it's mostly my fault coupled with poor genetic factors hindering me from being more social. I would never want my hypothetical child to suffer the same that i did.

even marriage is totally far out of reach IMO and i'm not sure what i'm going to do when all my friends are 30-something, have kids, a wife, careers, nice houses/cars, etc... it's going to feel weird being alone. I just don't see myself meeting someone with the same vision/ideals/values as me, someone who shares my interests in music or whatever, it's just rare.

 

[ZeoVGM]

I turn 30 next year. My girlfriend is 32.

We talked about the kids thing on the first date. I mean I usually do but I brought it up specifically with her since I knew she was the one.
We don't want to have kids, if we ever change our mind on this we will adopt. Maybe like a 5 year old Asian girl. They are super cute, well behaved and automatically good in school.

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What in the holy fuck.

 

[lake]

I've spent my 30s slowly getting my shit together and still have a lot of stuff I want to do/see/accomplish. I don't see how a kid would fit in. I also don't make enough money.

 

[ShapeDePapa]

She's taking French? Is it one of those bilingual classroom set ups?

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I live in Quebec :p

I wish she would learn english though. At least ahe watch a ton of stuff in english on Netflix.

 

[EVERYlosersHERO]

I found a genetically superior amazon and squirted a baby into her. We now have a 2'8" one year old. 🤗

My back hurts.

 

[enkaisu]

Kids are too much of a hassle for so many reasons. I also want to be able to spend money on myself and my dreams, like traveling. My girlfriend and I are totally happy just having a bunch of cats and dogs.

 

[melikefishnchips]

Don't have any and at this point probably never will and I'm ok with that. My current gf is fine not having kids either

Kids are a massive drain on your resources. If you don't already have those resources in place or you're not where you want to be in life, having a kid does nothing but make all of that all the much harder to acquire

On an even more selfish note, I don't have much family to speak of and the idea of my child being raised in culture and family history of my significant other as some kind of de facto way of growing up bothers me a bit as it feels like I'm not offering my child anything from a cultural perspective.

 

[Deleted member 4346]

When I was 22 I didn't like using condoms because I was an idiot. That's when I "decided" to become a parent, when a casual on-and-off relationship turned into a son.

I met my wife when we were 28 or so, kinda lost touch for a little while, but then reunited a couple of years later and fell in love. We decided to have our daughter, even though we were both kinda transitioning in our lives, because we knew that we were right for each other. She's 7, we're still together, and I finished school, and I'm stable with a career. I'm not going to say every day has been easy, we've battled through our share of shit, but there hasn't been a time when I've regretted having my daughter. She's amazing and she's the glue that binds our blended family together.

Like other people say, it's easy to come up with excuses not to have kids. They are expensive, both in time and money, but it's actually meaningful, raising a baby to be a fully-fledged human, watching them grow and mature. It gets easier in some ways as they get older, harder in other ways, and having more than one kid in some ways simplifies things (plus it's healthy for kids to have siblings!). Kids also grow and mature you as a person.

 

[BringBackSonics]

OP, this is pretty funny and true, even the most basic of things can become chaotic with kids..

 

[Rahvar]

What country do you live in? Were you only able to get the vasectomy at such a young age because of the genetic issues? Many doctors around here won't (or are highly reluctant to) perform them on childless men who are under 50.

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In Sweden the age restriction is 25. If you have mental or physical illnesses you are afraid to transfer you can get it done earlier.

 

[Stephen Home]

It just happened. Having a baby really make the bonding with the rest of our families better. I am loving the parenting life so far.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

I adopted two. One is 8 and one is 4. The 8 year old is getting on in years though so hopefully we don't have to put him down any time soon.

Spoiler

they're cats and my babies.

 

[Empress of ice cream]

I didn't reach a point where I decided not to have children I just never had the desire to have them. The career I chose is not exactly kid-friendly either but I knew this going in.

 

[nekkid]

For us it was never about "if", it was about "when". And the timing kinda just fell into place with everything in our lives.

The decision to have a second was pretty easy, too. We knew we didn't want an only child and we wanted them to be reasonably close in age.

The hardest decision for us is whether we have a third, because while we like the idea we're a bit older now and things are so much easier now the other two are a bit older - hard to let that go for another couple of years.

 

[TheWraith]

Personally I think having children nowadays is highly immoral as the chance that children born today will still live in a habitable world 50 years from now is very unlikely. At the very least they have a very high chance of dying of unnatural causes like starvation because of food starvation or worse, and will face a hard life before getting to that point. Increasing the world population with more kids will only get us to that point faster. Sorry for the doom & gloom.

 

[oofouchugh]

I have chronic health problems, kids are expensive and I like saving money to do stuff other than raising kids. I like watching movies in peace.

 

[grmlin]

There is no way to know in advance what it's like to have kids.

For me there is nothing better, having two is the best thing that ever happened in my life. And while it's challenging and exhausting, it's totally worth it.

 

[BringBackSonics]

For us it was never about "if", it was about "when". And the timing kinda just fell into place with everything in our lives.

The decision to have a second was pretty easy, too. We knew we didn't want an only child and we wanted them to be reasonably close in age.

The hardest decision for us is whether we have a third, because while we like the idea we're a bit older now and things are so much easier now the other two are a bit older - hard to let that go for another couple of years.

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For us, we knew we didn't want to stop at just one as well. Then after number two, we had a boy and a girl and felt a family unit of 4 with both boy and girl was good.

Honest though if #2 was a boy, might have tried one more time for the girl

 

[BringBackSonics]

Personally I think having children nowadays is highly immoral as the chance that children born today will still live in a habitable world 50 years from now is very unlikely. At the very least they have a very high chance of dying of unnatural causes like starvation because of food starvation or worse, and will face a hard life before getting to that point. Increasing the world population with more kids will only get us to that point faster. Sorry for the doom & gloom.

Click to shrink...

Well, we don't live in a 3rd world country, so I think our children has a decent shot of not dying of starvation.

 

[GymWolf86]

i love my freedom and i don't particularly love childs, simple as that.

 

[Jakenbakin]

Accidentally came in my wife when our birth control was the ol pull out method.

 

[Bobson Dugnutt]

I get the want to be individual and to continue being hedonistic/consumerist or whatever, it's a lifetime commitment and that's going to jar much of my and subsequent generations. the sheer nihilism in some of the other reasons given is quite depressing though. The climate issue is a worry for sure but otherwise the world has never been a safer or more tolerant place to bring up children in. I'm glad previous generations weren't into or didn't have access to these ideas as much I guess?

My only reservationd at3 the clichéd thing of not wanting a kid to end up like me, only moving out from home late 20s, generally being a drain and not letting my mum have a chance to enjoy middle age freer from worry than she otherwise would have been.

And I'd want to be slightly better financially before I consider it with someone too.

 

[Darksol]

The same way I decide not to do anything:

Me: Do I want to do this?
Brain: No.

 

[Luvlaskan]

My current partner already had a 2 year old when we met. Previously I could have gone either way but hanging out with them both made me realize I would like children of my own.

 

[nekkid]

For us, we knew we didn't want to stop at just one as well. Then after number two, we had a boy and a girl and felt a family unit of 4 with both boy and girl was good.

Honest though if #2 was a boy, might have tried one more time for the girl

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It's funny, we were convinced we wanted a girl but now that we have two boys we would rather the 3rd was a boy as well.

 

[Paertan]

I just never wanted kids. Sure I can think of a lot of reason why not. And can't think of any reasons why. But you should only have kids if you really want to. Not because you lack a strong reason not to. My girlfreind doesn't want kids either but not as strongly as I. For now we are never getting kids but we decided to talk about it in about two years. Then if we feel the same I will get a vasectomy or Vasalgel if that is out by then.

 

[Crawling Mushroom]

There are several reasons I don't want children and no single reason I want one, so...

no kids for me.

I'm fucking jealous of people in a relationship where both don't want children, I only encounter women who do want to have children, sometimes obsessively so.

 

[Rendering...]

Having a family of my own has always appealed to me. I like kids and I'm looking forward to raising a couple of great people to help counteract the tide of ignorant assholes.

Plus my genes are definitely worth passing on. I'm pretty awesome to be honest.

Personally I think having children nowadays is highly immoral as the chance that children born today will still live in a habitable world 50 years from now is very unlikely. At the very least they have a very high chance of dying of unnatural causes like starvation because of food starvation or worse, and will face a hard life before getting to that point. Increasing the world population with more kids will only get us to that point faster. Sorry for the doom & gloom.

Click to shrink...

What's really immoral is leaving the breeding to idiots who care nothing for the future and have no interest in teaching their kids how to be kind, conscientious, and responsible contributors to the society we all share.

This planet is only going to get shittier if good and educated people are possessed by the ridiculous defeatism that seems to be in fashion around here. The best way to ensure an awful future is to let awful people overwhelm the population and steer the course of our species.

It only takes one Newton or Einstein to knock humanity into a higher trajectory, so heat up those babymakers, people.

Spoiler

I'm kind of joking. But seriously, if you're not an asshole and you can provide for a child, don't let pessimism or fear stop you.

 

[uzipukki]

I'm 31 at the moment and the woman I am with (12 years now) has a disease that runs in the family (early onset alzhaimers disease) and understandably she has never wanted kids. I've accepted that. We have talked about adoption though, but haven't yet started or taken it seriously enough since neither one of has a steady job.

 

[TheWraith]

Well, we don't live in a 3rd world country, so I think our children has a decent shot of not dying of starvation.

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Scientists agree that when climate related food shortages hit, it will be in 1st world countries as well, there will be no difference. If these 1st world cities are not already flooded that is. :(

 

[Rivenblade]

I'd be richer financially without them, but I'd feel poorer emotionally and psychologically.

Didn't want kids in my early-to-mid 20s. Started thinking differently as I got closer to 30. Got married when I was 30. Had kids almost right away with no complications. The more stories I hear of friends and family who have struggled to have kids, the more fortunate I realize I am.

In truth, I never really thought about the "why" outside of the biological drive to want to create something and to love and care for it and watch it grow. Even after my first (and second) were born, I don't think I really connected to them fully until around the 6-month mark. Before that, they're poop and pee factories.

They're three and six now and make me SO happy on a daily basis while driving me crazy 20-30% of the time as well. They're just really damn funny and, on a selfish level, they allow me to see the world with wonder, and I'm always asking them questions about what they think of things, how they see them, etc. because I want to think on that level too sometimes.

 

[Endaeias]

What country do you live in? Were you only able to get the vasectomy at such a young age because of the genetic issues? Many doctors around here won't (or are highly reluctant to) perform them on childless men who are under 50.

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I'm in the United States. I was in Tennessee when I had the vasectomy.
The urologist was very reluctant to perform the vasectomy. It was to the point that he was suggesting that I get therapy and a written note to prove that I wasn't taking the decision lightly. I told him it was my body, my rules, my decisions. I didn't know about all of the genetic issues when I had it done (mostly distant relatives had osteogenesis imperfecta and other genetic disorders - but nothing directly related to me until my sister had her first child).

In the end, it was the money that was the deciding factor. I wasn't financing the surgery and was willing to pay it all in one sum. That, to the urologist, was "taking it seriously".

 

[Rivenblade]

Prepare as much as you can, but you can never prepare enough so don't let that stop you. The thoughts of your free time going away will be a distant memory when the time's right too.

Things will work themselves out naturally.

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It took me a while to get used to the idea of losing my free time and having to pick hobbies to cut and hobbies to focus on. It was like every minute counted in those first two years or so. Taking the bus to work? Let's use it to get some reading done or play something on the 3DS. Kids are napping? Watch an episode of something on TV.

I finally feel like I'm getting my life back now a bit more now. When we had our first kid, I mentally prepped myself with the idea that my life would be drastically different for at least five years before I could even think about getting back some of my free time activities/hobbies.

But yeah, your interests change over time and things end up working themselves out.

 

[dDASTARDLY]

It took me a while to get used to the idea of losing my free time and having to pick hobbies to cut and hobbies to focus on. It was like every minute counted in those first two years or so. Taking the bus to work? Let's use it to get some reading done or play something on the 3DS. Kids are napping? Watch an episode of something on TV.

I finally feel like I'm getting my life back now a bit more now. When we had our first kid, I mentally prepped myself with the idea that my life would be drastically different for at least five years before I could even think about getting back some of my free time activities/hobbies.

But yeah, your interests change over time and things end up working themselves out.

Click to shrink...

Right. My oldest is finally old enough that we can meaningfully play games together when it's appropriate. My other son, not so much...lol it's funny that my oldest is now seeing what I went through with gaming with a little guy that doesn't know the buttons or what's going on.

I love saying "go ask your brother, he'll show you" now lol.

 

[Ryuelli]

I would love to be a dad some day, it's probably one of the things I want most in the world.

I'm 28 though and don't see it happening anytime soon though (largely because of the cost), so I fear that in a couple years or so it'll just be too late.

 

[Deleted member 46493]

I would love to be a dad some day, it's probably one of the things I want most in the world.

I'm 28 though and don't see it happening anytime soon though (largely because of the cost), so I fear that in a couple years or so it'll just be too late.

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It's never really too late for a guy. A lot of people are having kids in their mid 30s nowadays.

 

[Deleted member 47843]

There are several reasons I don't want children and no single reason I want one, so...

no kids for me.

I'm fucking jealous of people in a relationship where both don't want children, I only encounter women who do want to have children, sometimes obsessively so.

Click to shrink...

It does make dating much harder. Double whammy for me as an atheist. Those two combined really limit dating options, especially once I moved to the south for work. Hardly any matches in the dating sites etc. But I finally met my now wife in person when I was 34.

It is glorious to not have to worry about it anymore and just enjoy the DINK lifestyle.

 

[SwampBastard]

I'm almost 40 and my wife is 35. We originally thought we were going to have kids, but the more we thought about it, the less we wanted them. There are lots of reasons -- they're expensive, the planet is basically fucked and it feels wrong to bring them into that situation, etc. -- but the biggest is that we know a LOT of people with kids and we don't know anyone who is happier as a couple than they were before they had kids.

 

[joe1]

I have a one year old son with my girfriend and I'm 35. After college a wasn't entirly sure about kids, but most of the time I felt I wanted kids, even if I sometimes could see my life childless. Later years I felt an...existential and biological urge to have kids, I partly felt some kind of need to extent my life or being. It sounds weird I know, and I'm not in any way religious but that was a part of my thought process (among other things). I think in many ways having kids is more or less a egoistic choice, and I'm fine with that. And there are other reasons why I wanted kids. Now I feel a somewhat deeper meaning with my little family but I know that you don't need to have kids to feel that but it worked out well for me. And I love being a father and a parent!

 

[Paertan]

There are several reasons I don't want children and no single reason I want one, so...

no kids for me.

I'm fucking jealous of people in a relationship where both don't want children, I only encounter women who do want to have children, sometimes obsessively so.

Click to shrink...

I had almost given up on finding someone else who didn't want kids. I was joking about dating younger girls until I could start dating older whos kids had already moved out/grown up. But I was not really joking.
I hade some relationships where the no kids thing ended it for me. And I was really nervous bringing it up with my now girlfriend. I hope you find someone who agrees with you. I just fucking love my life the way it is and adding kids to it would not make it better in anyway I can see.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

I'm very selfish and very poor

 

[Foffy]

When I realized I couldn't reasonably explain the current model of society to a child and expect them to accept it rationally.

That and climate. We humans are a tremendously violent lot, and please, save me neoliberal optimist remarks like "B-but StEvEn PiNkEr said!", thanks.

 

[noomi]

Late to the thread, but here are my thoughts on the subject.

First off, I've always wanted kids. Even when I was in my early 20's and single I knew that I wanted kids someday; once I found the right partner she would have to be of the same mindset, luckily she was :D

We had our first child in 2016 (I was 30 at the time). It's been an amazing experience thus far, and I'm probably the happiest I've even been in my life. There are hard times of-course; your relationship/marriage will go through some trials due to sleep deprivation and being tired, your free time goes right out the window, and toddler tantrums are pretty awful... but it was 100% worth it for us.

When I walk through the door after a challenging 10hour day at work, and my son comes running to me screaming "DAADAAA DAADAA" and jumps straight into my arms and gives the biggest hug you could imagine, it makes my heart full.

Some of us are meant to be fathers/mothers, and others may not be; and you know what... that's perfectly ok.

Also, we just had out second boy about 2 months ago, and now we are a family of 4 :)

Spoiler

I just wish I had some more time for gaming haha, I'm still going through my first play-through of RDR2 and I've been playing since launch

 

[RetroMG]

I wasn't really interested in having kids. I assumed it would happen just because it's what I thought you did when you were an adult, but I didn't really care if it actually happened or not.
On the other side, my wife has always wanted to be a Mom more than anything else. Before we got married, she told me she wanted four kids. I didn't really want kids, but I also didn't NOT want kids, so I just went along with it.
It took us 8 long years to get pregnant. During that time, I wanted a child if for no other reason than that my wife agonized over the fact that we seemed unable to have kids.
In 2016 we gave birth to a baby girl.
A lot of people talk about not wanting to have kids because they like their money, or they like their freedom. It's true that I don't have to time play every game or see every movie that I want to. It's true that I don't have as much money as I used to.

But when my daughter smiles at me, or shows me something new she's learned, or runs up and give me a big hug when I get home from work, it is absolutely 1000% worth it.

It sounds crazy, I know. But if and when you have kids, hopefully you'll understand.

 

[H.Protagonist]

Was completely anti-kid until I was 29 when after two years in a relationship with a guy I loved it started to make more sense. After a lot of thought I made up my mind and told him I wanted kids in my future. He was still anti-kid, though, so I ended the relationship because staying would have led to resentment on someone's side (having a kid, or not). I later reconnected with a guy I'd been friends with in Japan and after he came to the states for work and we clicked. We had a lot of frank discussions on what we wanted out of life and went for it even though we were 1000s of miles apart. That was about 7 years ago. We got married, moved to Australia and had a kid, then moved to England and had another. We'll be celebrating our 5th year anniversary in Jan and are considering a third kid. Things are pretty darn great, and kids have been tiring sometimes but also extremely rewarding for us and our relationship. I only wish I had met him sooner. Having kids 35+ is haaaaard.

Also, you can still have your hobbies and time and life. My husband goes to the gym 4x a week, I disappear to a cafe or pub every weekend for hours to write, I've trained both our kid/baby to clock out at 7, so nighttime is adult time, etc., etc. YMMV, of course.

I found a genetically superior amazon and squirted a baby into her. We now have a 2'8" one year old. 🤗

My back hurts.

Click to shrink...

Your kid is going to be taller than me before they hit 3 at that rate.

(My 1 year old still fits in 3-6 month baby clothes...)

 

[danlher]

I was always one of the "I never want to have kids" guys and my partner knew it and was ok with that. One random day, she asks me if I wanted a baby and I said "sure, why not", thinking that it would take her maybe a year or two to get pregnant and that she could have second thoughts about it. Boy oh boy was I wrong. She asked me and 11 months later I had my baby girl on my arms for the first time.

I've never liked babies or kids in general, and I still don't, but man I do love my daughter like I never thought I would. Someone maybe told you at one point that you do anything for your kids and yes, I'd cut off my arm for her if I have to.

I still don't feel ready to raise her but I'm doing the best I possibly can.

I still don't feel financially ready but instead of buying 5 games a month on release day, I'm only buying 2 older games on sale.

I still think that my dad left us when I was 3 years old but watching my baby grow and how she learns new things everyday has convinced me that I'll never leave her, no matter what.

Sure, you're sleep deprived the first couple of years. Sure, there are days when you don't really know what the hell you're doing. Sure, you generally have less time and money for doing anything. But you know what? Fuck that, my baby makes me happy.

 

[BringBackSonics]

It's funny, we were convinced we wanted a girl but now that we have two boys we would rather the 3rd was a boy as well.

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I'm one of three boys, I think my mother felt the same

 

[EVERYlosersHERO]

Your kid is going to be taller than me before they hit 3 at that rate.

(My 1 year old still fits in 3-6 month baby clothes...)

Click to shrink...

Her mother is 6'2" and I'm 6'4". Should be interesting watching her grow.