How do I deal with my dad's temper at my age

Chixdiggit

Member
Oct 31, 2017
621
Yeah, my situation is unusual in that my father is mega cool and collected and my mother was the rage fiend. She's a lot better now that I'm grown and especially after I clapped back at her, but I'm sure a lifetime of her shit has fucked me up in ways I don't even realize.
For sure it has taken a toll on me. I am a very chill guy and it takes a lot to get me upset but every once in a while I will completely snap while doing something like playing games, fixing something, etc and slam my fists, shout obscenities and basically throw a small fit. All over something very trivial. I instantly regret it as it's 100% how my Dad acted all the time and I hated it. At least I never direct it at anyone and am just mad with myself.
 

NoName999

Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,434

VeryHighlander

The Fallen
May 9, 2018
1,281
You two mind telling me why the hell an abuse victim should work it out with his fucking abuser?
Because it’s his father, who he already mentioned helps him financially. Yes they get into arguments sometimes, that means they should cut contact forever? Stop being so fucking dramatic.

OP, stand up for yourself, and don’t be scared of your Dad. But definitely don’t push it even further. There’s smarter, cooler people out there that could probably give you some better advice, but don’t listen to these nerds who are telling you to cut contact, they have no real life experience
 

NoName999

Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,434
Because it’s his father, who he already mentioned helps him financially. Yes they get into arguments sometimes, that means they should cut contact forever? Stop being so fucking dramatic.
Stop downplaying the situation.

These aren't "arguments" between a father and son.

And the OP has no obligation to deal with an asshole just because said asshole gave birth to him.
 

Kamek

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,176
Okay, so I think the African context here is very important. Did you grow up in Niger, or abroad? Or did you go through international schools while in Niger.

For a lot of African parents, dads especially, the way he's communicating is the best way he knows how (and probably learned it from his own father).

Part of the hurdle you have here is you're still dependent and still in uni. So in many regards, culturally, you're still a child. Painting with broad strokes here, but it would mean "following instruction" rather than "pushing back". One option, which many people I know do take, is sitting through it until the relationship balance shifts (often with the first job or when you move out completely). But I would suggest just have a gentle conversation with him.

Taking the shorts situation: Hey, I'm sorry about the shorts thing, I didn't realise it was a bad thing to do. I understand now, but it did scare me/bother me the way you shouted at me for it.

You don't need to talk back. I think the two of you (especially him) need to understand the cultural gap at play here. That you don't respond well to his approach (that again, he probably picked up from his own father/culture).

If you don't mind my asking, where is your mum? Can you broach the topic with her first?
This is a great response and how I would counsel him.as well.
 
Oct 25, 2017
614
Ignore this.

Christ. Only on the internet does "salt the Earth and burn all connecting bridges" get presented as a viable solution to something. And before even trying anything else!
OP most definitely do not consider either of these options, holy shit.
You definitely don't have abusive African fathers if you're calling my advice bullshit.. It is not an uncommon story to hear in a lot of Nigerian-American circles of people just up and leaving/not associating with their fathers/families because of how violent their anger gets.
You either leave or let him know it's a bad idea to fuck with you. Simple as that.
 
Oct 27, 2017
2,057
You definitely don't have abusive African fathers if you're calling my advice bullshit.. It is not an uncommon story to hear in a lot of Nigerian-American circles of people just up and leaving/not associating with their fathers/families because of how violent their anger gets.
You either leave or let him know it's a bad idea to fuck with you. Simple as that.
I definitely know the Nuclear option is not the first goddamned thing I would try. Get some perspective man,the OP clearly has adoration and respect for his dad. Fuck all that though, cut him off entirely and just live in a shelter! Anything is better than attempting to bridge a gap!
 

Bio

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
1,619
Denver, Colorado
You two mind telling me why the hell an abuse victim should work it out with his fucking abuser?
When the fuck did I say that? That post presented two ridiculously extreme, asinine solutions to a problem, both of which would have lifelong consequences for that relationship. There are better ways to stand up for yourself and protect your own emotional well-being than threatening your father with violence, ya fuckin' galaxy brain.
 

Bio

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
1,619
Denver, Colorado
You definitely don't have abusive African fathers if you're calling my advice bullshit.. It is not an uncommon story to hear in a lot of Nigerian-American circles of people just up and leaving/not associating with their fathers/families because of how violent their anger gets.
You either leave or let him know it's a bad idea to fuck with you. Simple as that.
You make it sound like all African fathers are so primitive in their ability to handle/adjust/moderate their emotions and responses that every child's choice in dealing with it is binary in the extreme. Frankly I find that ridiculous.
 
Oct 25, 2017
614
I definitely know the Nuclear option is not the first goddamned thing I would try. Get some perspective man,the OP clearly has adoration and respect for his dad. Fuck all that though, cut him off entirely and just live in a shelter! Anything is better than attempting to bridge a gap!
There's another option, not just one.

You make it sound like all African fathers are so primitive in their ability to handle/adjust/moderate their emotions and responses that every child's choice in dealing with it is binary in the extreme. Frankly I find that ridiculous.
Wouldn't say all, probably 7 out of 10.
 

Necromanti

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,635
Work towards becoming independent, and then distance yourself as necessary. It did wonders for my mental health, at least. Just remember that you are not obligated to be emotionally abused and berated by someone just because they are your parent.
 

Yasuke

Member
Oct 25, 2017
11,304
My guy, you’re preaching to the choir here.

I love my old man and always will, but his anger and outdated views on life make visiting (like ill be doing this weekend) extremely anxiety-inducing for me and my brother (and my girlfriend, who’s seen flashes of it).

I’m not as bad around him as I used to be as I’ve taken to standing my ground when he’s offbase and just being an ass. What gave me courage to clap back at him was when he started to direct some of his venom toward my son. I told him (in not the calmest manner) that he wasn’t going to be allowed to see him if he was gonna insist on verbally abusing the same way he does everyone else. It resulted in a pretty bad disagreement, but he eventually cooled off and (sort of) apologized. He still snaps a few retorts my way every now and then, but years of putting up with it have helped me to shrug most of them off. It still isn’t healthy (it’s often said that our parents angry voices become the voice that speak to us in our heads during our lowest moments, which is true for me), but I’m good about removing myself from his presence when I just don’t feel like being around him.

My advice is to get your independence as soon as you can and to learn to stand your ground against him. I don’t know your father, but I don’t believe that he would hit you or toss you out, but you have to gauge those things yourself.
 

Roygbiv95

Member
Jan 24, 2019
767
Sounds like my grandfather. I've found the best way to enjoy my limited time with the guy these days is to take the Steven Jo approach and use psychology to provoke him into getting mad until he looks overtly stupid and shames himself into being quiet again. It's not exactly a heartwarming exchange, but as I get older I realize that was never going to happen so at the very least I can be somewhat entertained during the few times a year I visit.