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How do people make new friends?

Deleted member 225

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,658
Hey all, I've been having a lot of trouble with my friendships lately. Seems like all my friends and I don't talk at all anymore. I'll text people regularly and get no response, and when they do respond it's just a short text basically acknowledging mine and that's it. I feel really disconnected from my friends, I don't hang out with any of them anymore. I try making plans but everyone is either busy with work or has plans of other kinds. A lot of my friends are in relationships now. I've mentioned this to a few friends, and they understand how I feel.

I don't think they're ignoring me on purpose, and if they could they would spend time with me. But still it's hard, especially because my friends are really important to me. Struggling with depression, my friends have been 100% amazing in that regard about supporting me, much more than even my family. I'm a very guarded person too, it's really hard for me to trust people because of past issues with my family, so I don't make friends super well and even when I do it takes a long time for me to fully trust them. I have friends I've known for over a decade that I have a hard time fully trusting still. It's an issue that I've gotten better with over time. And they know it too, which makes it even more amazing that they still want to be my friend.

Some of them tell me that I need to make new friends, but I'm awful at that. All my friends are friends by accident. I'm shy but I actually really like talking to people, I just have a hard time believing people want to to talk to me and want to be my friend. My therapist suggested going to a bar and meeting people, but that sounds like a bad idea. I'm not gonna be that dude hanging out at the bar by himself.

What do you guys recommend on how to make new friends? Or should I just continue being lonely dork boy and focus on other things?
 
KoopaTheCasual

KoopaTheCasual

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,731
Socialize through hobbies.

That's all there is to it, honestly. Pick up a new skill set you're interested in, and it will open you up to an entirely new community.

Whether it be rock climbing, ballroom dance, axe throwing, competitive gaming, poker, billiards, or running etc. There will be a community there.
 
Krauser Kat

Krauser Kat

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,697
The Struggler said:
my best friend is my wife and thats all I need
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I hope you have a therapist, so you dont put all your shit on your wife.

OP
Say hi to people at places you like and think you might jive with. If it feels good give them your number or wait until you see them again and ask them to go do something you like. Maybe a movie or a festival. Boom you have a new friend.

Friends are people you put in the time with and appreciate their company.
 
Sneijder

Sneijder

Member
Oct 28, 2017
121
Cologne
hey dude, the same thing also happend to me. After my break up, i found that many friends of mine dont have any common interest anymore.
Last week they called up and asked me if we should meet up, and i said yes of course, but please lets go get some drinks and he said ok sounds fine.
So few days went by and he called again and said, so what are we gonna do? In few hours is UFC and we want to watch it... dude did not i tell you, that we should get some drinks? But he wanted to watch it at home with me and friends... so no common interest anymore.

I think we need to be more open, i try to say yes to everything, when someone i dont know well is invinting me for something.
 
Ultimate Bear Cub

Ultimate Bear Cub

Member
Mar 30, 2019
9,058
I started going to an art class at the local library. Made a couple contacts. Also, sometimes from my part-time job at the hospital. You just go out and be as openly friendly as you can be.
 
DPT120

DPT120

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,525
Through my friends. I'm an introvert so most of my new friends come from meeting them through my current friends. I've also made friends randomly by talking to someone but that's rare.
 
Landawng

Landawng

The Fallen
Nov 9, 2017
3,231
Denver/Aurora, CO
Sorry to hear that man. Like the poster a few posts above said, try and make some new friends through hobbies, maybe even consider getting into new hobbies too. I've thankfully been able to make a lot of new friends over the last few years playing disc golf, playing music, joining FB groups, etc.
 
TissueBox

TissueBox

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,984
Urinated States of America
Shared interests is better than nothin, when you need somethin', as the granny used to say!!

Check out some local events or conventions or meet-ups if a bar ain't your thang!

And if nothing else, Era, right here, is filled with so many people, spanning the entire range of personal likability, dialect, and manicure. :P Maybe one of those, whatchyamacallit, Hangout communities will have some kernels..!!
 
skipgo

skipgo

Member
Dec 28, 2018
2,568
I work at a bar and go out a lot so I tend to meet a ton of people and will make new friends here and there.
The best way is having an activity you enjoy that you have to do with others and can have that common ground to spark a conversation and then let it grow organically from there.
 
Almagest

Almagest

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,447
Spain
In my experience, the best way to make friends is to actually try new things. Socializing in public spaces is not going to work very well unless you're super extroverted but taking up classes or some other activity that interests you usually leads up to socializing with people with common interests and spending time with them.
 
Fjordson

Fjordson

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,010
Yeah, I've struggled with this also post-college.

High school and college made it so easy to make a ton of friends. Whether it was being in the same class as someone every week or playing multiple school sports, it was just really easy to get to know people. And I still keep up with some of my close friends from school, but that's it. I don't consider anyone I've met after college to be a close friend.

I guess I'm friends with co-workers, but it's not nearly the same. I don't hang out with any of them outside of work and I'm not really sure I'd want to. Their interests don't line up with mine at all and 90% of them are older than me with kids.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 225

User requested account closure
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Oct 25, 2017
1,658
The Struggler said:
my best friend is my wife and thats all I need
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I feel it, but unfortunately I have an even harder time with romantic relationships than I do with friendships. Again it comes back to my trust issues, it's hard for me to believe any woman could care about me in that way. Even when they tell me to my face I still am unsure. But good for you, I feel like the best relationships I've seen are the ones where the people are best friends.

Villein said:
same way fusion happens
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Dancing?

Dishwalla said:
hey you like the Raiders right?

we could be friends
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I wouldn't say I really like the Raiders, more cursed to having loyalty to a team that is bad bad. And is leaving me in a year.

striderno9 said:
I have a question.

When was the last time you made a new friend?
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Like a real friend? Probably over a year ago at my last job. I get along pretty well with people at work, but I actually made some friends who Igot along with well and talked outside of work. But now that I don't work there we rarely talk.

The place I'm working at is a better job, but I work with people all much older than I am. It's hard hanging out with 40-50 year olds who talk about their children and their houses when I'm still on my 20 year old young boy shit. I get along with them but we aren't going out together anytime soon.
 
Sneijder

Sneijder

Member
Oct 28, 2017
121
Cologne
Fjordson said:
Yeah, I've struggled with this also post-college.

High school and college made it so easy to make a ton of friends. Whether it was being in the same class as someone every week or playing multiple school sports, it was just really easy to get to know people. And I still keep up with some of my close friends from school, but that's it. I don't consider anyone I've met after college to be a close friend.

I guess I'm friends with co-workers, but it's not nearly the same. I don't hang out with any of them outside of work and I'm not really sure I'd want to. Their interests don't line up with mine at all and 90% of them are older than me with kids.
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Haahaha same thing with me. I dont know in college was everything easy, at one point, i did not want to meet new people anymore :D what a luxus it was
 
The Doomed One

The Doomed One

Member
Nov 28, 2017
589
There was already a suggestion, but - hobbies.

If you already have one, try to find likeminded people through some sort of formal organization or informal meetings.
If you don't have a hobby, explore the options in your area and see if there is anything that interests you.

For me, my biggest hobby is music, and I met a lot of great people by going to concerts and discussing music with them over drinks afterwards. I listen to a lot of metal, and I found that most metalheads are decent people (except black metal, but that's going off-topic).

One hobby I notice a lot of people socialize around is Bridge (the card game). I personally have no interest in it, but some of my friends found new friends (and love) at those events.
 
Avis

Avis

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
3,220
meetup.com

Advice from someone who's made friends through this: You really have to put in the effort. Just showing up regularly isn't enough. Find common ground or a shared hobby and go from there, but sometimes YOU have to be the one to put the first foot forward. I really understand where you're coming from OP, I've always been one of those "adopted" introverts myself, but the truth of it is you can't keep relying on that your whole life. Making friends after college is difficult enough, and if you don't drink like myself it becomes virtually impossible. You really need every advantage you can get.
 

Deleted member 9035

Banned
Oct 26, 2017
8,686
In addition to working on making new friends you might want to try strengthening your existing relationships.

Try going out of your way to make a heartfelt and meaningful gesture that demonstrates how important they are to you. Think about what you could give back to them as a way to show your gratitude for their friendship.
If they care about you this won't go unnoticed.
 
Blackthorn

Blackthorn

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,315
London
This is one of the huge benefits of casual dating as long as you're not a creep going into it with a weird conquest the wimminfolk attitude. A very large number of my friends are people I dated, then you get to know their friends and so on.
 

Deleted member 4034

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
26,560
Coworkers mostly these days.
Occasional invites to small parties.
City events. Met someone at a Mario Kart Tournament and they invited me to some other stuff. I didn't even initiate that.
Still see old friends every now and again, sometimes I'll meet one of their new friends.

A lot of people on Tinder claim to be looking for friends. Not sure how that works out for them.
 
Trickster

Trickster

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
6,533
In a sorta similar situation, minus the trust part.

Don't really talk to my older school friends very often anymore. A few of us still go watch movies at the cinema once in a while, but other than that we don't really do stuff together anymore. Seems like most of them lost interest in some of the interests we shared, or got into relationships.

I'm also a pretty shy/introverted person, so getting out and socializing is very counter intuitive to what I feel naturally comfortable with. So mostly I'm hanging out at home and play online games with some decent people I know through those games.

Though I've been using my renewed interest in magic the gathering to go outside more and engage with people that way. Though the people I know through magic are not people I would consider friends at this point.

It can definitely be rough mentally at times. Sometimes I really wish I had some close friends I could geek out with about things I enjoy
 
MegaRockEXE

MegaRockEXE

One Winged Slayer
Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,944
I get by mostly from people I met at work. Though lately I've had a couple of them just straight up ignore me now, which is really rude. It sometimes feels like I'm back at square 1.
Work on yourself and be the best you you can be. Then worry about others.
 
The Struggler

The Struggler

Alt Account
Banned
Jul 3, 2019
739
Krauser Kat said:
I hope you have a therapist, so you dont put all your shit on your wife.

OP
Say hi to people at places you like and think you might jive with. If it feels good give them your number or wait until you see them again and ask them to go do something you like. Maybe a movie or a festival. Boom you have a new friend.

Friends are people you put in the time with and appreciate their company.
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Nope my therapy is exercise and boxing. My wife and I talk to each other a lot but also we can handle a lot to. If I have an incredibly frustrating day to the gym I go. Its something special and amazing where you are each others rock and you both know you can take it
Hydeus said:
Wow. Sorry to hear that.
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Lol this is just stupid lol, a wife that is loving, understanding, sympathetic and very supportive can replace every friend I had in the past, shes that damn amazing.
LanceX2 said:
boom baby.

Family is all I need.

I have one buddy thats gone past just a work bud
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Family is everything, you dont have family no idea how people function in the real world
 
Masoyama

Masoyama

Attempted to circumvent a ban with an alt account
Banned
Oct 27, 2017
5,648
Ive made all of my recent friends through hanging out with common friends, DnD groups or jiu jitsu. So, networking +hobbies.

If you're social, interesting and a nice person you will definitely see people reach out to you more.
 
Mocha

Mocha

Member
Dec 9, 2017
925
The best way is to do a new hobby. The more things you have interest in the easier it is to connect with strangers and make friends. Not only that it'll keep you busy when you're alone so it's a win-win.

Try to get into more volunteer work, classes, and parties. A lot of people are more open to talk in those situations.

Also Just take it slow when you meet a new friend. You have to build the relationship you just can't make a best friend right away.

For me personally I met my friends in highschool who I hang with daily. For my college friends or post college friends I hang with them occasionally every few months to catch up. I simply don't have the time at this moment to make new friends because it takes effort and dedication for both people to make it work.

you gotta always hit up your friends every once in awhile to reconnect. If a friend keeps saying no or they're busy then they simply do not want to hang with you. You shouldn't burn bridges and dont take it personally either. Like you said, they could just be busy with life and just not interested right now.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 225

User requested account closure
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Oct 25, 2017
1,658
The Struggler said:
Friends are disposable when it comes to family. Family will always be there where as friends have their own "got mine" first mentality
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Gonna have to disagree with this. Even though I don't see my friends regularly, I know they love me more than my own family, who I see more often. My friends are basically my family in that regard. I'd be nothing without them.
 
Masoyama

Masoyama

Attempted to circumvent a ban with an alt account
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Oct 27, 2017
5,648
The Struggler said:
Friends are disposable when it comes to family. Family will always be there where as friends have their own "got mine" first mentality
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Thats dumb. Your family is made up of regular people. They might love you, but at the end "blood" does not give you an unbetrayable bond.

Masoyama said:
Ive made all of my recent friends through hanging out with common friends, DnD groups or jiu jitsu. So, networking +hobbies.

If you're social, interesting and a nice person you will definitely see people reach out to you more.
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Adding to this. Don't look out for gaming and videogaming activities to make friends with. Go find something else, and then find the people that share OTHER common hobbies with you.

For example, the guy that trained me for my BJJ purple belt is also my DnD DM. I did not even know he played for a few months, but as we grew closer we started sharing more about ourselves. Now I do tabletop and videogame stuff with the people I do jiu jitsu with, you complement hobbies instead of obsessively finding people that do all the same things as you.
 
The Struggler

The Struggler

Alt Account
Banned
Jul 3, 2019
739
Masoyama said:
Thats dumb. Your family is made up of regular people. They might love you, but at the end "blood" does not give you an unbetrayable bond.



Adding to this. Don't look out for gaming and videogaming activities to make friends with. Go find something else, and then find the people that share OTHER common hobbies with you.

For example, the guy that trained me for my BJJ purple belt is also my DnD DM. I did not even know he played for a few months, but as we grew closer we started sharing more about ourselves. Now I do tabletop and videogame stuff with the people I do jiu jitsu with, you complement hobbies instead of obsessively finding people that do all the same things as you.
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Nah fam no might they do love me and would drop literally anything including my wife to make sure I have whatever I need and or if anything were to happen, friends....no pun intended but nah fam
 
jb1234

jb1234

Very low key
Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,224
al davis said:
Gonna have to disagree with this. Even though I don't see my friends regularly, I know they love me more than my own family, who I see more often. My friends are basically my family in that regard. I'd be nothing without them.
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Same. I always feel a little envious of those who have better (and bigger) families. But my friends fill the hole well.
 
Neo C.

Neo C.

Member
Nov 9, 2017
2,993
I go to other countries to improve my language skills and visit a language school there. Lots of cool people in the class room usually, but in majority they are rather young, in their twenties. Still, you'll also find some older folks there.
 
DarthButcher

DarthButcher

Member
Oct 30, 2017
302
Typically I hit people over the head with a stick and drag them home. After that, they are my friend whether they want to be or not.
 
thewienke

thewienke

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,928
Wish I had an answer because I'm in my 30s, my wife and I are DINKs now living in the suburbs of Indianapolis, and we've moved to a new city twice since meeting (blowing up previous friend groups). We were forced to live in the suburbs this time since she works way out at a manufacturing plant located on a farm. This is like "hard mode" for making friends.

Meetup.com is kind of a ghost town out here.

Makes me wish we lived in a heavy transplant city again like Houston where you can throw a rock and find friends.
 
Deer

Deer

Member
Oct 29, 2017
1,560
Sweden
edit: sorry, my original answer was smug and short

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I'll try writing a longer, more thoughtful response when I'm less tired. Making (and keeping) friends can be tricky, I do relate with that.
 
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