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How do you tell your SO you wanna have sex with other people?

Leo

Leo

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,255
Title says it all. What does ERA think about open relationships? Is it okay to wanna have sex with other people and still want to share a life with your partner? Just to be clear, cheating is off the table, I'm asking about a consensual agreement.

In my case in particular, I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 3 years, and we have been living together for about 5 months now. Living with him has been a positive experience overall, I really enjoy his company, we don't fight much, and are usually able to solve our disagreements by talking. Its not a fairy tale like we are soulmates or anything, we have many differences but we have been through a lot together at this point, always helping each other, and we have a strong sense of partnership. So I'd say our love is pretty grounded, and I think that's what real love feels like.

BUT I have to say I've been bored by the sex for a while now, and I'm a very sexual person. I have found myself many times wanting to masturbate instead of having sex with him, just because porn can always be different, I can see different people, different fantasies, etc, and with him it's always the same thing. I wanna touch different bodies, feel the thrill of undressing someone for the first time. I've always liked the thrill of the hunt, the flirting, feeling sexy, and before I started dating him I was very very out there and I miss it, sometimes I feel like I left this part of myself behind. And I'm still just 28. Just now I was at the gym and there is this freaking hot guy there that might be throwing looks at me for weeks and damn I wish I could play this game again, lord knows I'm good at it.

We have talked more than a few times about threesomes and it's something we are both up to, but just never had to courage to actually make it happen. We even talked about hooking up with other people by ourselves, but as a fantasy, never seriously. So I feel like I can make it happen if I want to, but: 1- how the hell do I ask him this and 2- is this really a normal thing to feel, or is it gonna destroy my relationship?

C'mon, ERA, hit me with your worst.
 
Musubi

Musubi

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,926
I mean just be open and honest about your needs in the relationship. See how they respond and move on from there.
 
Prinz Eugn

Prinz Eugn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,219
I would tell him you want to spice things up sexually before skipping straight to trying to have sex with other people.

"just 28" is also pretty strange, plenty of people are settling down right around that time.
 
Regulus Tera

Regulus Tera

Member
Oct 25, 2017
17,028
You’re an adult. Be sincere. If you think you can trust him enough that he will be ok with talking about it, then it might be worth pursuing. I don’t think there should be harm in discussing the issue even if he doesn’t agree with it. The important part is not withholding any secrets.
 
whytemyke

whytemyke

The Fallen
Oct 28, 2017
2,510
Yeah I think the conversation usually starts with "After consulting with an internet forum of complete strangers, I've decided sex with you is boring and we should see other people."
 
Gibson

Gibson

Member
Oct 29, 2017
1,381
Why don’t you try different things with your partner? If the sex is always the same spice it up a little, be more adventurous. Try the threesome!
 
SweetBellic

SweetBellic

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,473
Considering your partner has expressed that he may be up for a threesome, why not start there? You may also wish to consider being more communicative with him about your fantasies and boredom (but maybe don't use that word). Help him help you and give him a chance to surprise you. My only concern would be if he's overly sensitive or insecure.

And to answer your questions:

1) Sounds like you've already made headway fantasizing about this stuff together. Just be more direct next time and ask if that's something he'd ever want to do for real and gauge his reaction. Assuming he bounces the question back to you, tell him you've been thinking about what it might be like, but reassure him you haven't acted on the feeling and wouldn't if he wasn't cool with it. Be prepared to drop it (or the relationship) if you don't get the reaction you want.

2) I think it's normal. Plenty of people out there who are in open relationships. Though you may want to consider the possibility that the reality of it may not live up to the fantasy. Moving forward with it won't necessarily destroy your relationship, but it could create new challenges for you and your partner, certainly.
 
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water_wendi

water_wendi

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,329
Break up them and then pursue an open relationship from the start. Just bringing this up in an existing relationship will change things permanently and from what ive seen its not usually for the better.
 
metalslimer

metalslimer

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
8,728
From what it sounds like it seems like you are gay? I have a lot of friends who have open relationships and with very strong relationships. Just be honest and if it is that disappointing to you if he says no then maybe reevaluate the relationship

Also please dont listen to the people in here just saying break up. Your partner has already seemingly been into the idea of a threesome. I would just start there.

I dont really see how people still cant understand the idea that love and sex are not mutually exclusive and two people can completely love one another while having sexual relationships with others
 
Immortal_Daemon

Immortal_Daemon

Member
Oct 27, 2017
526
The first step would be talking to him about the issue. You're never going to make it if you can't talk about issues. Sexual appetites are, for some reason, taboo for a lot of people, which is just ridiculous. If you can't talk to your partner, of all people, about something you really want, then what's the point of being with that person?

For me, an open-relationship is a massive no-go. I simply can't see it leading to anything other than jealousy, resentment, etc.
Some people make it work though, supposedly, so I guess it's possible.

I would also recommend lowering/stopping the consumption of porn. I had all of the same thoughts when I first started dating my GF: Masturbation gets the job done, what about a threesome?, if only I could have somebody different every once in a while, and so forth. You might be amazed at how much better your SO becomes once you stop seeing other naked people. It might make no difference at all, but it doesn't hurt to try, right?
 
TroubledChica

TroubledChica

Member
Oct 31, 2017
32
Hi! This was an easy conversation between my husband and I. You're communicating something you're interested in. Why be with this person if they can't have an honest dialogue with you? You got this!!
 
Sowrong

Sowrong

Banned
Oct 29, 2017
1,442
Three years in bringing up an open relations seems odd, but good luck. Hopefully you’re the one who brings more to the table if you’re hoping for the relationships to continue.
 
ckareset

ckareset

Attempted to circumvent ban with an alt account
Banned
Feb 2, 2018
4,977
Stop pretending and break up with him. You obviously want the security more than anything, just accept it's not meant to be. Or just tell him and let him break up with you.

If by some chance he stays and is happy then you'll be fine. But make sure he's not in it for the security as well
 
Another Castle

Another Castle

Member
Apr 9, 2019
552
CLT
So, like everyone else is saying, a lack of sexual chemistry is actually a legitimate reason to raise red flags in a relationship. Likely, this is a conversation you should have already been having with your partner. You should have been transparent and given them a chance to reconcile this information.

Now that doesn't mean your partner won't be open to the idea when laid out in front of them. There have been a lot of ideas that my partner and I have poo-poo'd early on in the relationship just to save face with one another but when things became crucial and situations needed to be discussed in order to maintain the relationship we became far more malleable to the ideas. People's priorities change. I'm a much less sexual person than I used to be, for instance, and my partner is far moreso. We don't really export the sex but we're well aware that masturbation outside the bedroom takes place and it's fine.

Timing is going to be your biggest problem here. You need to know when it's appropriate to bring this up. You never know, though, your partner might already feel a type of way about this and you just haven't probed it.

Also, one more thing: this is way more common than people give it credit for. I'm not really into evolutionary psychology but I think the fact that humans are not generally monogamous creatures by instinct holds true. Monogamy is largely a social construct. To most, it's a beneficial construct, but a construct nonetheless. It's important for you to place some significance on your needs, no matter how taboo they may feel.
 
LegendofJoe

LegendofJoe

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,584
Arkansas, USA
Prinz Eugn said:
I would tell him you want to spice things up sexually before skipping straight to trying to have sex with other people.

"just 28" is also pretty strange, plenty of people are settling down right around that time.
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Best advice so far. I've been with my SO for 8 years, when I started to get bored I asked to try new things and she did. It's probably not as exciting as being polyamorous, but it's better than destroying a relationship with someone I really care about.
 

AWriterintheRain

Member
Nov 1, 2017
133
I'm in an open relationship with my girlfriend right now. She and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. I brought up the fact that I consider myself polyamorous about a year ago as well and that came as a bit of a shock to her at first. It was a learning process for her but she loved me for who I am and accepts that side of me now. And I'll always love her for that. She's an open-minded person in general too so that helped a lot. I actually haven't had any luck when it comes to having sex with another girl besides my girlfriend but at least where we both currently stand, it's an option for me should the opportunity arises.

Before you tell your boyfriend about wanting to have sex with other guys, ask him how he feels about open relationships in the first place. It's something that two level-headed adults need to sit down and try to talk about if they seriously want to make it work. It's definitely not for everyone and most of us are conditioned to be monogamous due to society so that's a gigantic mental hurdle that he's gonna have to try to cross, and you can't fault him if he reacts negatively to you wanting to open up your relationship sexually. You're gonna have to be mentally prepared for the worst too.
 
metalslimer

metalslimer

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
8,728
ckareset said:
Stop pretending and break up with him. You obviously want the security more than anything, just accept it's not meant to be. Or just tell him and let him break up with you.

If by some chance he stays and is happy then you'll be fine. But make sure he's not in it for the security as well
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This is pretty condescending. So it's not meant to be just because you say so?
 
ironichaos

ironichaos

Member
Oct 31, 2017
127
“Remember that time we talked about a threesome...” and go from there. Just be honest and transparent.

Also, when you discuss, don’t call sex with your partner “boring”. There’s always ways to phrase something in a way that’s not rude or offensive. You want to mix things up, try something different, etc.
 

devSin

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,472
You seem to have skipped the most obvious step of telling him you want a little spice in your love life.

Unless you're sure that you could only be satisfied with another person, start there.
 
Hugare

Hugare

Banned
Aug 31, 2018
1,853
Just end your relationship

If you're asking us for advice, I dont think that you imagine your partner being cool about it.

And if you believe that your partner wont be cool about it and you still wanna go through with it: dont be an asshole.

He may love you more than you love him, and it may hurt him a lot by trying to make it work.
 
jb1234

jb1234

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,872
They’re fairly common in gay relationships. But man, I’d have no idea how to bring it up.
 
metalslimer

metalslimer

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
8,728
Kiraly said:
Yeah I agree, that second paragraph reads like just two people being nice to each other.
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I mean there is Adam ruins everything episode on this and the idea that romantic fairy tale love will last forever is false and many relationships work exactly like what is described in the OP. Now if he never felt like that it would be a red flag
 
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Leo

Leo

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,255
Was kinda expecting ERA to be that conservative but I'm still a bit disappointed lol

Gibson said:
Why don’t you try different things with your partner? If the sex is always the same spice it up a little, be more adventurous. Try the threesome!
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SweetBellic said:
Considering your partner has expressed that he may be up for a threesome, why not start there? You may also wish to consider being more communicative with him about your fantasies and boredom (but maybe don't use that word). Help him help you and give him a chance to surprise you. My only concern would be if he's overly sensitive or insecure.
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Yeah, I figured having a threesome first is probably the best plan. It's something I know he wants too, and it's gonna be good for us to understand what our feelings will be in a situation like this. Maybe having contact with other guys in front of each other will make us see that we actually don't mind it if we do it by ourselves.

My concern is just that if we focus too much on other people, we might end up getting uninterested in each other, but I guess this is something we will have to find out. Feeling the way I am right now might be worse, maybe the sex feels boring because I can't do it with someone else, so I'm always thinking about it.
 
perfectchaos007

perfectchaos007

It's Happening
Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,556
Texas
I don't agree with those who say just end the relationship. It doesn't hurt to tell your partner essentially what you wrote in the OP and then go from there. If he wants 100% exclusivity with you then you can break it off, but maybe he'll be okay with you playing with another guy from time to time. At this point, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
 
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