How Does One Motivate Themselves (To Have A Better Life)?

[Sub Boss]

Go to theraphy, quit the videogames, go to the gym.

However, its not a race so don't compare yourself to your partner, only you can improve little by little. Also, maybe do some charity work that might motivate you, don't call yourself 'lazy' but desmotivated and a little depressed

 

[Sub Boss]

They say when you hit your mid-20s, your habits don't change.

Click to shrink...

This is not a healthy mindset at all you can find professional help even 6 months could change your life habits

 

[Ganransu]

You will never find the motivation. You're accustomed to living the way you have been.

That's why you need to force yourself to do what you feel is better for you, learn a new skill whatever. Force yourself, tell yourself that you must allocate a set amount of time a day to the task, then increase it gradually until it becomes part of your schedules.

"Finding motivation" is an excuse to not do the hard thing. We all want to do the easy things, doing it the hard way requires effort, not motivation.

Take it from someone who is in a similar predicament as you, start now, don't wait, it only becomes harder.

 

[Deleted member 2761]

I read an article a while back that really resonated with me: in short, the idea of discipline and self-control, at least the way we envision it, is a myth. An excerpt:

""People who are good at self-control … seem to be structuring their lives in a way to avoid having to make a self-control decision in the first place," Galla tells me. And structuring your life is a skill. People who do the same activity — like running or meditating — at the same time each day have an easier time accomplishing their goals, he says. Not because of their willpower, but because the routine makes it easier."

This, in turn, reminded me of another article I had read some time prior, where they discussed the Aztecs and their view of morality. Namely, that we are all human, prone to failing, and the Aztecs, according to the author, leaned on our social circles to help them on the right path, rather than outright expect any individual to be moral paragons.

So ask others for help: tell them to put away your games, brainstorm with you as you write, or whatever. Get them involved in the areas of your life you want to improve. It might feel embarrassing to have people close to you handhold you as an adult, but you would be making an honest-to-goodness effort to improve yourself, and for that there is nothing to be ashamed of!

 

[Midramble]

Hey Hero Protagonist you end up doing that sentence yesterday? If not, you at least do today?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Hey Hero Protagonist you end up doing that sentence yesterday? If not, you at least do today?

Click to shrink...

Yup, I wrote a few sentences last night.

Day 10: Haven't written yet but went for a walk. I'm going to write as soon as I'm done with my work.

 

[Midramble]

Yup, I wrote a few sentences last night.

Day 10: Haven't written yet but went for a walk. I'm going to write as soon as I'm done with my work.

Click to shrink...

That's awesome man. Hit the double digits on your first run without breaks. That's a major achievement and one that cant be taken away.

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist did you actually get that day ten writing done and today?

 

[leder]

So everyone saying that you can't rely on motivation and instead rely on structure/habit/discipline... this sounds right, but what does that actually look like practically speaking? How do you separate that out from motivation and use it to get out of your comfort zone and make changes in your life?

 

[Midramble]

So everyone saying that you can't rely on motivation and instead rely on structure/habit/discipline... this sounds right, but what does that actually look like practically speaking? How do you separate that out from motivation and use it to get out of your comfort zone and make changes in your life?

Click to shrink...

Put simply, lower the initial goal until you cant say no.

Catching the motivation when you get it, but instead of using that motivation to drive through use that motivation to get some done and setup automatons thatll help you keep doing some when you have no motivation. E.g. priming your environment (prepping things, making it easier to get to or do the good habit than the bad one, making the good one more visible and bad one less so, and other habit craft methods) getting an accountability partner, setting up automated rewards and penalties to guide behavior, and so on. Also consistant success compounds returns faster than motivated drives. So If you lower the threshold of your goal to something you can consistantly do no matter the motivation level (like start with only 2 push ups but every day or only putting on your running shoes but everyday) you will develop that habit so the behavior becomes mindless. It requires no effort at all. Once it becomes that easy, build upon it (e.g. 5 push ups or put on running shoes and at least stand outside). Motivation is too inconsistent to rely upon so you should use those winds of motivation to stockpile habit as that has staying power.

 

[Conor]

So I see that people have already posted some excellent advice in here. One thing I will say to you and others who have posted in here. Do NOT compare yourself to other people. It is futile, for a small amount of individuals it can be a motivator, for most of is the opposite. It's also misleading because your perceptions of other people's lives aren't the reality of their lives, they may have their own problems and anxieties that you are not aware of. The only person you should compare yourself to is yourself over time, take stock of yourself now, work on getting better and track your progress.

More specifically you mentioned wanting to be a writer and hinted at a few things, 'imposter syndrome', a kind of perfectionism and low energy/motivation. Here are some things to keep in mind if you want to write, this also applies to other parts of life.

Failure is part of the process. No writer sits down and writes a perfect screenplay or a perfect sentence as soon as they start. Writing is a process. Just write, even if you think it's terrible, just get it out of you, you can edit later. That's how you improve, just keep writing and don't listen to your inner voice telling you that what you doing is pointless or terrible or embarrassing.

If you're serious about it, you will also want to make writing part of a regular schedule. Try and set a specific time and place to write. There is also a creative writing thread on here and plenty of free online courses if you need some structure to help get you started.

One last tip that may or may not work for you. Make a schedule/planner. You should include a morning and evening routine, times for getting up and going to bed etc. Giving yourself that structure and getting in control of your sleep and creating some new habits can help massively in coping with mental illness and increasing your energy. You can also schedule in new habits and activities that will help towards your broader goals.

Good luck on your journey OP.

Edit: Somehow missed a couple of pages by accident before posting this and I see that you have already received some of this advice and are making progress. To throw another book recommendation on the pile, you might want to try 'The War of Art' by Steven Pressfield. I know a few writers who have found it beneficial in their careers.

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist, how is it going? Did you make it through. Take a bit of a break. How we doin?

 

[Midramble]

Hey Hero Protagonist, where we at. No shame if you skipped. Better to not ghost if that's the case. We'll get back on track if so. Gonna keep buggin ya though because that's what accountability partners do.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Okay, sorry for the delay. Long story short, I did have two bad days. I just got so lazy and even though I wrote, I slept. A lot.

Day 11: Didn't write, but wrote for work, does that count? Spent most of the day playing this video games.
Day 12: Wrote a few lines, hung out and watched movies with friends all day. Didn't walk.
Day 13: Didn't walk, didn't write.
Day 14: Wrote a few sentences, didn't walk.
Day 15, today: Wrote 2 pages, walked 25 minutes.

So, videgames are still clearly an issue sometimes. They're just such an easy escape. My career has the potential to be in the film industry and I'm floundering it feels like sometimes. But, I want this writing to be a habit. I do feel different than before at least. I have a little more energy than I used.

Sometimes I feel like putting away all of the consoles until I'm done with the script. Then enjoying it again one day when I feel fulfilled. I don't know. But I can say, I've written more in the past two weeks than the past year.

 

[Midramble]

Okay, sorry for the delay. Long story short, I did have two bad days. I just got so lazy and even though I wrote, I slept. A lot.

Day 11: Didn't write, but wrote for work, does that count? Spent most of the day playing this video games.
Day 12: Wrote a few lines, hung out and watched movies with friends all day. Didn't walk.
Day 13: Didn't walk, didn't write.
Day 14: Wrote a few sentences, didn't walk.
Day 15, today: Wrote 2 pages, walked 25 minutes.

So, videgames are still clearly an issue sometimes. They're just such an easy escape. My career has the potential to be in the film industry and I'm floundering it feels like sometimes. But, I want this writing to be a habit. I do feel different than before at least. I have a little more energy than I used.

Sometimes I feel like putting away all of the consoles until I'm done with the script. Then enjoying it again one day when I feel fulfilled. I don't know. But I can say, I've written more in the past two weeks than the past year.

Click to shrink...

Alright, meant to respond Thursday but I'm here now. 10 days is a pretty good first streak. Writing for work counts if you believe it adds to the eventual goal you want. You don't have to put away games entirely, instead you can use it as an existing habit that aids in the one you want. For instance, put away the console when you are done. Do not bring the console back out the next day until after you have written at least one sentence. Then the writing starts getting associated with the reward of gaming. It associates with something you crave.

It is common for life to get in the way of habits, which is fine, but there are also ways to mitigate the risk of a derail.

One, have the habit be as early as possible. The sooner it is in the day, the less risk of it being interrupted by something that comes up before hand. This is why building a morning ritual can be super helpful.

Two, be careful about setting daily goals that fluctuate, aren't specific, or too large. The more nebulous a task is, the less likely you will be to perform it. Saying "I will write today" isn't nearly as effective as "I will write 2 sentences at 10 AM". This will help with the consistency over quality aspect of habit craft. Also keep in mind that large goals, though you may be confident due to new found motivation, can actually lead to large backfire as the motivation may not be there the next day, but you'll still have the mental expectation of yourself to meet the goal you met when you were at peak motivation. This is why choosing a consistent task that you know you can do even when you have zero motivation is the best. Pick the largest task that you can do on your worst day. This will be a very small task (hence 1 sentence) but as long as you are consistent, your threshold for the maximum you can do on your worst motivation day will increase. Like working out at the gym, if you keep trying to lift weights so heavy that you are more often than not failing the lift, you wont make progress. Do the maximum that you can do consistently. As you become more consistant you will trust yourself more with doing this, affecting your identity as someone with the habit you want, and leading to more efficient increases in those habits.

Now that you've gotten our first big streak you ready to make a run for another? See how far you can go with lessons learned on this run? Each additional run helps you git gud.

If so, I'll check in on the regular again starting tomorrow 3 PM PST and everyday after that. Great work so far.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Alright, meant to respond Thursday but I'm here now. 10 days is a pretty good first streak. Writing for work counts if you believe it adds to the eventual goal you want. You don't have to put away games entirely, instead you can use it as an existing habit that aids in the one you want. For instance, put away the console when you are done. Do not bring the console back out the next day until after you have written at least one sentence. Then the writing starts getting associated with the reward of gaming. It associates with something you crave.

It is common for life to get in the way of habits, which is fine, but there are also ways to mitigate the risk of a derail.

One, have the habit be as early as possible. The sooner it is in the day, the less risk of it being interrupted by something that comes up before hand. This is why building a morning ritual can be super helpful.

Two, be careful about setting daily goals that fluctuate, aren't specific, or too large. The more nebulous a task is, the less likely you will be to perform it. Saying "I will write today" isn't nearly as effective as "I will write 2 sentences at 10 AM". This will help with the consistency over quality aspect of habit craft. Also keep in mind that large goals, though you may be confident due to new found motivation, can actually lead to large backfire as the motivation may not be there the next day, but you'll still have the mental expectation of yourself to meet the goal you met when you were at peak motivation. This is why choosing a consistent task that you know you can do even when you have zero motivation is the best. Pick the largest task that you can do on your worst day. This will be a very small task (hence 1 sentence) but as long as you are consistent, your threshold for the maximum you can do on your worst motivation day will increase. Like working out at the gym, if you keep trying to lift weights so heavy that you are more often than not failing the lift, you wont make progress. Do the maximum that you can do consistently. As you become more consistant you will trust yourself more with doing this, affecting your identity as someone with the habit you want, and leading to more efficient increases in those habits.

Now that you've gotten our first big streak you ready to make a run for another? See how far you can go with lessons learned on this run? Each additional run helps you git gud.

If so, I'll check in on the regular again starting tomorrow 3 PM PST and everyday after that. Great work so far.

Click to shrink...

Thank you for all of this, truly. Your effort in helping is amazing haha.

Day 16: Wrote more than 2 sentences, walked around a couple of blocks.

 

[Midramble]

Thank you for all of this, truly. Your effort in helping is amazing haha.

Day 16: Wrote more than 2 sentences, walked around a couple of blocks.

Click to shrink...

It helps me too. It's 3 PM PST. Get your writing done today?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 17: Wrote less than I wanted but still wrote more than 2 sentences. Going out tonight to eat, we're having a date night. Haven't had one in months. A little nervous for some reason haha.

 

[Midramble]

Good work. Enjoy the night. 4 day streak current with a best streak of 10 days on this run of 17 days of work. Keep it up. I'll check back tomorrow.

 

[Midramble]

Get the writing in today Hero Protagonist?

 

[Midramble]

Hey, Hero Protagonist, get that writing in yesterday and today?

 

[Soapbox Killer]

In life, we attract what we are not what we want. You must become what you desire.

This sounds like self help horseshit, because it is but it is also very true.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 18 and 19: Wrote more than 2 pages and plan to write more later tonight!

Still having moments of depression and wondering what the point is but this thread helps, believe it or not. Thanks everyone, really.

 

[Midramble]

Day 18 and 19: Wrote more than 2 pages and plan to write more later tonight!

Still having moments of depression and wondering what the point is but this thread helps, believe it or not. Thanks everyone, really.

Click to shrink...

Damn good work. You may have doubts from time to time, and you will have them a lot in the beginning, but also keep in mind that you've already dedicated 3 weeks to this. You've been fighting for self change for the better part of a month. That's something that can never be taken away. The amount of effort you've already poured in that is. In this thread people have already been motivated by how much you've been sticking to it against all past experience, against self viewed odds, you've spit in the eye of the voice that says you'll never do anything by doing something. You've already done something. You've already taken your stand. That began when you made this thread looking for change. You alone made that first step. You alone had the guts to make that choice. So regardless of what your self doubt may tell you, your history states that you fight back.

Hero Protagonist doesn't give up.

 

[Midramble]

Hero Protagonist, It's 3 PM PST. You write today?

 

[Midramble]

Hey Hero Protagonist, you get that writing today?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Oh my gosh, I actually went in here yesterday, thought I replied! Must've gotten distracted.

Day 20 and 21: Wrote of course and walked. Thinking about increasing my two sentence goal as it's become easily achievable.

A little stressed about work but I suppose that's normal. Still have thoughts about sleeping all day.

 

[Midramble]

Good work. 3 weeks down.

What's got you stressed about work? Everyone has some stress but the root of the stress can sometimes be addressed.

Also, I believe that makes today 22? Get writing done?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 22 and 23: Writing done, walked a bunch. I didn't have time to play games or anything, busy all day and I wasn't depressed.

 

[Midramble]

Day 22 and 23: Writing done, walked a bunch. I didn't have time to play games or anything, busy all day and I wasn't depressed.

Click to shrink...

Sounds like you're hitting a bit of a stride. Get writing in today?

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Day 24: didn't write yet but I still have a few hours. I'll message in here if I made it or not. I'm out shopping right now.

 

[Deleted member 176]

I think you should worry more about the depression than having missed the boat or whatever. Just download an app and start doing an exercise routine or a diet or whatever right now and stick to it while you're at it.

Passion for jobs is overrated its better to have a job that pays well that you don't hate than a job that you love.

Edit: I didn't check the date 😵😭

 

[Deleted member 35509]

I think you should worry more about the depression than having missed the boat or whatever. Just download an app and start doing an exercise routine or a diet or whatever right now and stick to it while you're at it.

Passion for jobs is overrated its better to have a job that pays well that you don't hate than a job that you love.

Edit: I didn't check the date 😵😭

Click to shrink...

Haha that's okay, I appreciate all comments in here!

 

[night814]

This actually made me tear up a little. She just wants the best for me and just tells me to figure out what I want. Her entire family is incredibly motivating but then when I'm alone (which is most of the day because she works long shifts), I revert to my lazy self and play video games or watch tv.

Click to shrink...

If you feel like TV and Games are inhibiting you either physically or creatively then you gotta avoid them till you figure out what you want to do.

Read a book, draw, write, go for a walk, exercise; all of those things will help your mental status a lot more than sitting in front of the TV.

 

[Midramble]

Day 24: didn't write yet but I still have a few hours. I'll message in here if I made it or not. I'm out shopping right now.

Click to shrink...

Goodluck. Again, if all else fails, just write any sentence. It will be worth it to give yourself the psychological/cognitive reinforcement that comes with consistent work, even if it's not great. It'll especially help when we add up the numbers in 6 days for an eval.

 

[TFGB]

My motivation ebbs and flows and I both accept that and am comfortable with it. As for life itself, I'm just winging it.

 

[Acorn]

My motivation ebbs and flows and I both accept that and am comfortable with it. As for life itself, I'm just winging it.

Click to shrink...

Yep, this.

 

[Deleted member 3465]

My motivation ebbs and flows and I both accept that and am comfortable with it. As for life itself, I'm just winging it.

Click to shrink...

I completely agree with this. :)

The worst thing is to get down on yourself because of your motivation. Regardless of the current situation first stop beating yourself up. Forcing motivation can make you burn out really hard in the long run. For me once I started just going with the flow I found things went a lot more smoothly than when I tried to force myself for inspiration anyways!

I would make the main priority getting happy first and everything else should follow. Inspiration comes much much easier when you are in a genuinely happy place. That doesn't mean absolutely everything needs to be figured out either. Don't compare yourself to anyone at all for any reason. It's really never too late to change anything or find new sources of inspiration. People that seem to have it all are all still chasing something else anyways. I'd look at this moment more as a blessing in disguise and use the time from not working to follow any curiosities you might have. See where it leads you, but look at it from a fun approach. On days you don't feel like doing something focus on being happy first and if you still don't feel like doing said thing afterwards don't. I write the best and easiest also only during moments of inspiration. Depression, insecurity and negativity are the easiest ways to not get anything you want. I'd really focus on sorting those out first! It'll all work out, good luck! :)

In life, we attract what we are not what we want. You must become what you desire.

This sounds like self help horseshit, because it is but it is also very true.

Click to shrink...

I really agree with this also! Once I stopped being really negative my life started changing a lot. Actually very quickly too.

 

[Midramble]

Day 24: didn't write yet but I still have a few hours. I'll message in here if I made it or not. I'm out shopping right now.

Click to shrink...

So did you make it yesterday? How's day 25?

 

[Deleted member 8861]

I mean I feel kind of the same way OP but it's just knowing that I could've done much better with all the privileges other people have bestowed upon me

 

[Zelda]

Parents discipline their kids to do stuff they don't want like go to sleep early or do their homework. In adulthood you need self discipline if you want to achieve anything. You can't depend on finding or feeling motivation, motivation is inconsistent and undependable. If you want something, to achieve a goal or attain whatever, you need to simply force yourself to do it even if you don't want to. This is what separates very successful people from losers.

 

[leder]

Parents discipline their kids to do stuff they don't want like go to sleep early or do their homework. In adulthood you need self discipline if you want to achieve anything. You can't depend on finding or feeling motivation, motivation is inconsistent and undependable. If you want something, to achieve a goal or attain whatever, you need to simply force yourself to do it even if you don't want to. This is what separates very successful people from losers.

Click to shrink...

There is some truth to this, but the bolded is a very toxic way to frame this IMO.

 

[Midramble]

So did you make it yesterday? How's day 25?

Click to shrink...

Hey Hero Protagonist, Get your writing in today?

 

[BeforeU]

I mean do you like the feeling you are having right now? Early 30, playing video game all day, soon going to be broke. If yes, then you don't need to be motivated, I guess you are happy with yourself. But if your answer is no, then there is your motivation right there. Do something to get out of this mess and feel good.

 

[Kasai]

This is how I'm doing it

I had a super vivid dream that had my ex in it, but it felt way more different than any dream I've ever had.

I woke up that morning clear-headed and I've been throwing myself into fixing my shit up and improving myself.

That was like a month ago, and since then I've lost 10 pounds and she recently started following me on Instagram again out of the blue. That's been keeping me going since.

 

[Deleted member 35509]

Hey Hero Protagonist, Get your writing in today?

Click to shrink...

Day 25: Only wrote two sentences just to get something in. Was busy all night.

Day 26: Wrote a few paragraphs and applied for a new job. Working from home is nice but doesn't add a lot to my life, socially. I just need to speak to people. Being alone with two dogs all day, everyday may be having a weird effect on me haha.

 

[Saifu]

I'm in a similar dilemma.
I'm closing into 30 in a few years and I need to fix many adulting issues in my life before then.
At the very least, I feel that I need to fix my financial situation before I can fully dive back into consuming media.

 

[hipsterbodega]

I was in a similar position. I had a challenging upbringing: abuse, homelessness, and eventually was removed from my parents by the state. That came to a head when I was a teenager, during the time when people are building the foundation for their future. I drifted aimlessly instead.

I've done ok for myself since though (I'm now 35), and while my specifics might not help you, I think a lot of the broader points are more widely applicable.

Be social. This is not only good for mental health, but also good for building networks and opportunities. If your social network is not improving your mental health or your opportunities, it might be time to reconsider your social network. Maybe your partner can help in this regard. And when it comes to opportunities, learn to recognize them and seize them. Work hard, be persistent and resilient.

I see someone mentioned therapy. That's also a good idea. Your don't have to have a mental health affliction to make therapy viable and worthwhile. It could definitely help you in this case. I have a therapist. She's great.

I would also recommend avoiding as much idle time as possible. Games are great, but reserve those for later in the afternoon or evening. Spend your days being productive instead. Look for work, throw yourself into your blog, go to the gym or at least go for a walk. Read more even!

I was laid off last June. It was very difficult. But I tried to spend most of my time being productive and that helped. I looked for work and spent time outdoors, but I also rekindled my love for drawing and even sold a few pieces to bring in some extra money while I was jobless.

You can do this. It'll just take time and effort. My own motivation ebbs and flows, but I've experienced enough victories and losses to know that if I just keep at it, things usually work out. That's literally my only motivation.

 

[Midramble]

Day 25: Only wrote two sentences just to get something in. Was busy all night.

Day 26: Wrote a few paragraphs and applied for a new job. Working from home is nice but doesn't add a lot to my life, socially. I just need to speak to people. Being alone with two dogs all day, everyday may be having a weird effect on me haha.

Click to shrink...

Killer work again Hero. Thats a pretty brave mood. A new job is a large shift in routine that could help give you new triggers to launch other habits. If you find one and do move on make sure to fit your existing habits in early so they dont get crowded out by the new routine.

I was in a similar position. I had a challenging upbringing: abuse, homelessness, and eventually was removed from my parents by the state. That came to a head when I was a teenager, during the time when people are building the foundation for their future. I drifted aimlessly instead.

I've done ok for myself since though (I'm now 35), and while my specifics might not help you, I think a lot of the broader points are more widely applicable.

Be social. This is not only good for mental health, but also good for building networks and opportunities. If your social network is not improving your mental health or your opportunities, it might be time to reconsider your social network. Maybe your partner can help in this regard. And when it comes to opportunities, learn to recognize them and seize them. Work hard, be persistent and resilient.

I see someone mentioned therapy. That's also a good idea. Your don't have to have a mental health affliction to make therapy viable and worthwhile. It could definitely help you in this case. I have a therapist. She's great.

I would also recommend avoiding as much idle time as possible. Games are great, but reserve those for later in the afternoon or evening. Spend your days being productive instead. Look for work, throw yourself into your blog, go to the gym or at least go for a walk. Read more even!

I was laid off last June. It was very difficult. But I tried to spend most of my time being productive and that helped. I looked for work and spent time outdoors, but I also rekindled my love for drawing and even sold a few pieces to bring in some extra money while I was jobless.

You can do this. It'll just take time and effort. My own motivation ebbs and flows, but I've experienced enough victories and losses to know that if I just keep at it, things usually work out. That's literally my only motivation.

Click to shrink...

This is a great post

 

[Midramble]

How we doin today Hero Protagonist?