How to deal with depression with a loved one?

[Euphoria]

Hey ERA, I'm looking for help however I can get it because honestly I'm feeling really down right now and 10 minutes ago I was in a very good mood.

My wife suffers bad anxiety and depression and it comes on randomly and when it does it's so hard to handle. We've been together for almost 15 years but it never gets any easier.

Just a few minutes ago my wife seemed completely normal and we were conversing, then she went upstairs to lay down while I took dogs outside and I'm currently waiting for our young daughter to finish up getting ready so she too can lay down for the night.

Out of the blue I'm texted that she's suddenly feeling depressed. Even to this day once I see that I freeze up. I don't always know what to say because saying the wrong thing can make me suddenly appear to be the bad guy.

A minute or two goes by as I attempt to find what to say and in comes the response of "thanks for not giving a shit".

Now I feel like such an asshole and I just don't know what to do. I don't really understand how she feels and I read and read and try to understand but it's so hard because even for me it's a roller coaster of emotions. I can sometimes feel the mood in the room change and my heart just sinks into my stomach, as if I know when the change in mood is coming. In those moments I feel so horrible. I don't know what that feeling is but I only feel it right as she is shifting into a depressive mood, as if I connect to her emotions on that sort of level.

Yes I know I should go talk to her about this instead of here and I am doing that in minute or two but I will return to read replies.


Am I wrong in how I am reacting? If so how am I supposed to react? Why is this still so hard after all these years?

Sorry to just throw my issues out there like that, just needed to let it out and of course I wouldn't say anything like to her as it would hurt her to know her pain is affecting me too.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Just gotta talk face to face. Texts are terrible for discussions like that because people tend to read into what wasn't intended or implied. In your case she took your delay to mean you don't care.

Explain (with love) that your delay wasn't due to not caring. And chat. Just listen. Make her feel loved. You got this!

 

[Betty]

Talking about it is really the best option.

At least you knew you had no idea how to handle it and are seeking council, that's the right move.

You cannot fix or do all that much for her on your own, she needs to talk to someone professional and get proper help.

Hopefully that person can also give you advice on how to better equip you to deal with this.

 

[Titik]

Just tell her you'll be there for her and just listen. Sometimes that's enough.

Social connections are one of those magical things that can sometimes treat the symptoms of depression along with physical activity.

Def ask her to get professional help and tell her that you will go with her. You can also ask said professional for help in dealing with it as well.

 

[K444wsr]

OP, I'm going through something similar with my wife and all I can say is stay strong. Be patient. It's difficult and being patient is key. We have very difficult days and it's mentally exhausting at times. But gotta be there for her. Be strong

 

[Jombie]

Sometimes you can't do anything, especially when it feels like you've exhausted your vocabulary on the subject. Just be there.

I put my family through the same.

 

[Kernel]

I've gone through this with my wife for years and basically the same things as above.

Although it's better now as a lot of her depression was caused by her medication, we finally got a good doctor who figured it out. I'd definitely talk as some of her issues were caused by stuff going on.

My wife isn't the type of person to go to a doctor unless she's basically bleeding to death so definately get treatment if it's a chemical depression and not something going on in your household or relationship issues. I had to politely press hard to get to the root of the problem.

Finally this is something I have little success in getting across but if it's urgent to please CALL and be patient if I'm at work and I don't text back right away.

I am pretty worn out over the years though but she knows that.

 

[Deleted member 21339]

If you love your wife just do your best. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Euphoria]

Thanks for all the replies. I just laid down with her and watched some TV while she laid on me and passed out.

I was silent most of the time because as I said before, I just don't know what to say sometimes.

I'm sure she'll be fine in the morning. It's a tough thing to deal with when it shows up.

 

[Chaos17]

Like other people said, seeking help for both of you is important.
As someone who suffer mild depression I will say there is one thing that makes my mood better when I feel depressed: food!
That's totally my weakness, maybe your wife has also something she can't resist and relieve her anxiety on it?

Another thing that help when I feel bad is when my lover ask me "what happened?"
By just asking that it makes me reflect on why I am feeling sad, what made me sad then I put words on it then tell it to my lover.
Of course, I won't magically calm down but at least both of us know the reason and could discuss about it if possible.
I've similar experience with my therapist, it helps to put words on what is hurting me.

One thing that I am sure though, going on walk often during the week allows the body to relieve the physical tension born from the depression.
Don't need to be a long walk and walking with my lover does encourage me so I don't feel lonely. I am saying this because anxiety can make your body tense from your bad feelings and it is helpful to find a way to let them out (beside crying and yelling).

If your wife doesn't like walks you can offer her a massage that you can learn on Youtube. Just be sure to buy oil massage (ask her what fragrance she likes). That's another way to relieve anxiety and is also a way for you to show her that you're invested in her now in that moment when she is feeling bad if words can't reach her. You can also make a daily routine with her to give a massage so her anxiety can be relieved a little so sudden heavy sadness moment like she just had may happen less.

I am sorry for my bad english, I tried to express what I am living now as a depressed person who is on med and seeing a therapist.
I hope that my advices will help you a little to fight depression with your wife.