How to deal with very sudden deaths.

[Pierogi Mage]

So this weekend my Girlfriend's cousin got married on saturday. My GF was co-maid of honor with the brides sister. She was pregnant with twins. We all had a really good time and everything was really good. The happily married bride and groom hop on a plane the next day to go to florida for their honeymoon. That night the brides sister suddenly collapses. The paramedics come and she doesnt have a pulse. They manage to bring her back and get her to the hospital. They at first think her appendix burst. They attempt to deliver the babies but they are stillborn. Shes bleeding and they cannot figure out from where. When she lost the babies around 3 am, the brides mother calls the bride and tells her she has to come back because the doctors say it is not looking good. Eventually she passes away.

We're all in shock. Ive known her pretty well for the past 6.5 years. She was 24. Its just been really hard to process all this.

 

[Biestmann]

I am very sorry, OP. Death never is pleasant, but the circumstances and timing seem especially shit in your story. Be there for one another and you'll find a way to deal with your grief, not to forget what happened, but to accept it. It's gonna be hard no doubt.

 

[WeAreStarStuff]

Time is the only thing that helps, but the wounds will always be there, they slowly scar over. Wish there was something more positive I could say, but that's my experience.

 

[Vex]

Wait, am I reading this correctly? 3 people died that day? I'm so sorry OP. I wish I had some advice. That's just unreal.

wtf?!?!?

 

[GTAce]

I'm sorry to hear that, my condolences.

Unfortunately there's no golden rule for this, because everyone handles grief different.
You'll find your ways through it though. For me the thought that nothing really dies but actually gets transformed into something different always helps.
Even after death we're still a part of what makes up this universe.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

That's terrible timing, and not just one loss, but three. Nobody would have an easy time processing that. It is going to take time. Grieving is a healthy part of loss.

I'm deeply sorry for your losses. I'm also sorry life can be so cruel and unfair sometimes.

I don't mean to pull out some Bob Ross-esque wisdom, but really - happy times will come again. It's ok if you get mad hearing that because of how bad this situation is. But as the wounds heal and scar, remember that there are still lights in your life, and in your family's, and in your friend's.

How well do you know her groom? Can you be there for him and try to get through this together?

 

[Dervius]

OP, that's incredibly rough and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

A good work-friend of mine, young guy, ex-military, incredibly fit and healthy died suddenly a little over a week ago. He just didn't show up one day, and then the enxt and eventually we managed to get word he'd been found dead in his bed.

My whole team, and many people from teams around us are absolutely shook. It's affected so many people in so many ways, and the company have done a commendable job in accomodating and supporting everyone with things like counselling sessions made available.

I joined a group 'wellbeing' session a few days after to support some of my colleagues and it was heart wrenching, but quite cathartic I think. I was legitimately shocked at just how many people were affected.

All I can say OP, is that there's no right way to respond to something like this. However you're feeling is a human response, whatever form it takes. Spend time with your friends and family where you can to support one another, but understand everyone will be grieving and processing in their own ways which can manifest themself in sometimes odd behaviours.

Take time when you need it, other things in life can wait.

 

[Deleted member 70788]

Oh man I'm sorry.

My mom collapsed at 49 completely out of nowhere and died instantly. Turns out she had a rare heart condition that basically just shut off her entire system. One moment, fine, next, gone.

There's no right way to respond to loss and grief. Just try to make time to be present with those around you who you care about. Try to take care of yourself still and get sleep, eat, maybe go on a walk or get some form of activity so you don't feel even worse. Apart from that, it's just time and how you deal with it personally.

My losses in life I carry with me. They never get "better" but I do learn how to function with them. It's not quite as top of mind painful every day, but there's always a low grade "hole" in a loved one's absence. Some days it's really felt. I am honestly grateful for those moments too, as I feel like I am keeping their memory with me.

 

[CaptainMatilder]

A wedding is supposed to be the best day in life for many.
A day to remember to.
This is just horrible. I am so terrible sorry. You and everyone involved have my condolences.

 

[eXistor]

Honestly nothing to say except I'm so sorry, that's absolutely devastating.

 

[Modi]

I am very sorry.

I don't know man, but i think i need a day alone to process this .. it's good to set and think about it for a time and release the sad/anger/bad thoughts out.

 

[karmaforgotme]

I am a wreck even when one of my pets die suddenly. I just had one of cats die unexpectedly over the summer and for like 2 weeks I was a zombie. It felt like something was cut of me. Hell even now when I think of her and I go back into almost mourning mode. So I can only imagine how I will be if that happens to a human family member. So far almost every death I have dealt with family wise has been expected due to age or long term illness. Still not easy to process, but I feel like it would be easier to process (since you mentally prepare for it) than a sudden death. Of course the younger the person, the harder it is to process. Sorry about what you are gong through. To be clear I am not trying to compare my cat's death to your GF's cousin. It is just a reference point for me.

 

[Pinku]

Almost exactly one year ago my best friend suddently died. He was found in his apartment with a knife through his chest. Probably suicide but we'll never know for sure.
I just cried a lot, took comfort with my family. Sorry for your loss!

 

[Jaychrome91]

Sorry for your loss op. That she was only 24, so young. May she RIP.

 

[Brandino]

Therapy will help some, and so will time, but it'll never quite be the same.

I had a childhood friend commit suicide a few years back. My wife signed me up for therapy soon after we heard. It helped some, and so did going to his funeral, but it still hits me hard at times. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you both.

 

[zon]

Time is what helps me. I attended a funeral two weeks ago. It took me a week to resolve all the emotions that came up.

 

[Hilarious_Bearious]

Damn, I wish I didn't just read that while having a heavily pregnant wife. I'm sorry for the loss you and your family are experiencing, OP.

As a former grief counsellor, I'd say it's just important to go through the process. It's perfectly normal to spend a few days or even longer in shock. Death is a process, and everybody's process is different. So long as you're not hurting yourself or others, it's fine. Cultural norms and practices can provide useful outlets for grief, but can also provide a source of shame or harm for the bereaved (e.g. the whole "men don't cry" toxic masculinity BS). You do you.

The one book about grief & death that I universally recommend is "Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the terror of death" by Irvin Yalom. That book changed my life, and I have bought it for over a dozen people by now. Yalom uses the term 'awakening events' to describe major life-changing events such as the death of a loved one. When an individual experiences a significant loss, it can be an opportunity to re-evaluate important factors such as goals, values, relationships and identity. These events can be a powerful driver for lasting, meaningful change for those who experience them.

 

[Pierogi Mage]

Thanks everyone