I compare my GF's to my previous GF's, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Oct 29, 2017
672
#1
I'm so fucked up.

I've been doing this all my life, I'm in my mid 30's now and I continue to do it to this day. I want to stop but there's some asshole inside of me that's bigger than my urge to become a better person, why do I constantly do this? Here is a breakdown in more detail:

I meet girl X and I immediately compare her to my previous girlfriends. I evaluate the good and the bad, what she's got going in her life that's better or worse compared to my ex's, however, ultimately I only focus on the bad and toss aside (or take for granted) the good. The qualities I mainly initially focus are looks. This lingers for a while, I keep quite, the relationship develops with some ups/downs and a few months down the line I somehow release out anger and frustration that I've built along the way.

Here is the fucked up part:

When we ultimately breakup due to my constant unhappiness with who she really is/was... I then... I only then realize how amazing she was. And I miss the fuck out of them, all I do is think about them. I obsess over my loss of her. And then I meet a new girl X, and even if this new girl looks better than my previous gf I find myself in the same cycle. Comparing her to the old one.

So, I start off with not being happy with the girls I meet but by the time we break up all I want is them. It's so fucked up. Am I always going to stay unhappy like this?

I plan on seeing a therapist, I need to fucking stop doing this but yet here I am doing the exact same thing, ugh.
 
Aug 6, 2018
1,209
#4
Sounds like you enjoy the "ideal" of a gf more than the reality.

The reality of actually dealing with a woman is beyond you, so when in a relationship your mind retreats to the safety of the "ideal" of a past relationship. Not the ACTUAL relationship or person, but the unattainable ideal of that person outside of the inconvenience of an actual relationship.

See a therapist.
 
Dec 11, 2017
5,438
#6
Well the comparison itself is not crazy or weird - people are lying if they say they don’t do that or have no experience in relationships. But the fact that it ends up breaking up the relationship - and you didn’t mention it but the insinuation seems to be that you’re the one who ends it - definitely needs to get figured out.
 
Oct 26, 2017
811
#7
Hmmm. You're clearly in the wrong here but at the conclusion of your post I felt bad for you. That's a rough pattern to be stuck in for 20 years. Yeah, get some help dude. Good luck.
 
Oct 27, 2017
440
#8
Therapy. You have a clear issue that's causing you unhappiness, but it's not so unusual - I suspect it would get easily sorted out. You'll be fine, just do the work. I think therapy is the best investment I've ever made in myself, ahead of education, exercise, anything else. Honestly I think everyone should do it but I try to not be TOO evangelical about it haha.

I don't think the comparison is so terrible, on some level that's what people do when they date, they start to figure out what they do and don't want, ideally getting closer to the right pick. It's the losing interest until they are gone thing you want to figure out. It's not just interrupting the behavior, it's not simply "stopping doing the thing" - you have to figure out what is going on in your brain causing the behavior, and a decent therapist will help you with that.

Don't be discouraged if you don't click with the first one you see, either.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,204
#9
I remember hearing somewhere that the optimal thing to do is to date 7 or so partners and then marry the first one after that who's better than all the rest. It was either seven partners or seven years.