I constantly wish I were dead.

[Prophet Five]

DISCLAIMER: I am not going to kill myself.

I have reservations about posting this - especially since I've seen some of the train wrecks that "help me" topics can become on ERA but I just... need to vent. The mods can lock it if they feel the need.

Yeah, yeah, I know "find a therapist." Okay. Thanks. I didn't think about that myself.

But, as the title states, I don't want to be alive anymore. I've been dealing with this feeling for a while - maybe the pandemic has made it worse? I'm not really sure. I don't like to talk about it with people because I always feel like everyone assumes I want attention or coddling - I don't. The "it'll get better!" and "you're great/funny/loved" shit just makes me feel worse about myself. And then there's the whole part of my brain that just says "they're just saying it to be nice and absolve themselves of guilt if I were to actually drop dead." The best way to describe how I feel is "passively suicidal." I daydream about just not having to wake up to face the world anymore. The thought of no longer failing at everything I do, disappointing the few people who care about me, or annoying the people who have to deal with me is just... it would be a relief to not have to deal with the weight and stress of it all again.

97% of the time I feel like a waste of space. Like someone who is just using the resources of this world but hasn't earned them. I'm not particularly intelligent, attractive, or useful. I would definitely classify myself as one of the most annoying people on the planet. The people who are around me, IRL or online, tolerate me because they have to (to some extent). I'm a constant burden. And to make it worse: I constantly berate myself with "what could a CIS, white guy have to be so depressed about? There's so many people who have it far worse that you do."

There are days when I can be rational and my brain works properly by telling me "no, this isn't real - no one thinks that" but those days are few and far between. Then I'm back to where I started - alone and depressed. My husband puts up with so much and I feel guilty for making him deal with this. None of my friends - the few that I have - live near me anymore. And with the pandemic it's not like I could go visit them anyway. I feel alone all the time - and even when I'm not I'm useless and bring nothing of value to the conversation or any situation.

I try to participate in online groups, but I quickly turn everyone off from me. My personality is grating and few share my interests. Online gaming isn't really something I should be doing because I lack any sort of skill and my aforementioned personality drives people away causing them to hate me.

On top of all of that I don't know anyone who shares my interests or sense of humor. When I try to share things that I do/create/enjoy or find amusing I'm met with silence or confusion - usually I'm just dismissed or ignored. I don't know what's wrong with me or what makes people despise me so much, but I've tried to figure it out, and I can't.

So lately I spend my days sleeping as much as I can, so I don't have to be awake to feel this way. I cry myself to sleep most nights - hell, I'm on the edge of tears right now typing this out. I think the only thing keeping me from offing myself is that there's a part of me that's like "the second you do it you'll win 20 million or your YouTube shit will take off, and then you'll have missed it because you're dead" because that's just my luck. I know my husband would miss me, but he'd get over it and find someone who's actually worthwhile and doesn't bring him down. He shouldn't have to take care of me - I shouldn't ruin his life just because I hate mine so much.

I just want to stop feeling this way. I just want it all to end. And I don't know how to make it happen. What I do know is that I hate this existence and everything about who I am. Why can't I just be a normal person?

 

[Schiavone!]

I understand. I know you mentioned at the start "have you considered therapy" but I have to ask, are you in therapy or not? I know you may not want to, but being prescribed something can really help oil the gears in the soul and make things run better.

And yeah I feel you about the coddling shit. Lots of people are quick to volunteer empty well-wishes, and its easily seen through and is shitty when you know what it is. It's tough to make a good connection with someone who cares.

I will say you should not feel guilty for "making people put up with you" - people are in your life because they want to be, especially your husband. They're there because they want to be, not because they have to be. I mean that.

 

[Wrexis]

Are you on any medication?

Not that I think medication will fix your problems, but it can get you out of a hole to enable you to work on them.

 

[Sane Man]

You pretty much just described exactly how I feel, OP. And the rational side of me can explain exactly why that kind of thinking isn't accurate and I'm not a burden or constantly annoying but I still persist in feeling this way.

The only thing that keeps me somehow balanced is the medication I'm on. Look into that if you haven't already.

 

[Prophet Five]

I understand. I know you mentioned at the start "have you considered therapy" but I have to ask, are you in therapy or not? I know you may not want to, but being prescribed something can really help oil the gears in the soul and make things run better.

And yeah I feel you about the coddling shit. Lots of people are quick to volunteer empty well-wishes, and its easily seen through and is shitty when you know what it is. It's tough to make a good connection with someone who cares.

I will say you should not feel guilty for "making people put up with you" - people are in your life because they want to be, especially your husband. They're there because they want to be, not because they have to be. I mean that.

Click to shrink...

Are you on any medication?

Not that I think medication will fix your problems, but it can get you out of a hole to enable you to work on them.

Click to shrink...

I’m on Zoloft for depression and Xanax for my wildly out of control anxiety.

as for therapy - I was looking into it before COVID but now I’mnot comfortable being in a room like that with someone. Online or teleheath therapy doesn’t seem like something I’d stick with. And then there’s the whole “faith based” therapy shit that’s common in my area. I want to find a therapist who is familiar with LGBTQ+ lives and issues which isn’t something that I’ve found is just advertised openly. I have a feeling I going to have to “try on” a good number before I find one that clicks for me.

once I’m vaccinated I’ll look into face to face therapy again but, well, this is Florida and DeSantis is a piece of shit. I’m pretty sure my county will be the last in the state to get any doses.

 

[Cranster]

I go through similar thoughts on a daily basis. Suffering from anxiety, depression along with other childhood disorders has taken a toll.

 

[Dyle]

Doesn't everyone? I'll never understand how any rational adult could ever go as long as a week or more without thinking about our morbidity and the fundamental pointlessness of life.

 

[Guppeth]

I can relate. I don't have much to add, except I get through it by keeping busy. And I don't mean busy doing useful stuff, I mean busy doing any stuff that keeps me distracted.

Here's an article that's been kicking around for a couple of years. It doesn't describe exactly how I feel, but it's close, and it was kinda comforting to read about someone going through the same thing.

I am not always very attached to being alive

Chronic, passive suicidal ideation is like living in the ocean. Let’s start talking about how to tread water.

theoutline.com

 

[samoyed]

Suicidal Ideation: Symptoms, Finding Help, and More

Suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation, are thoughts of suicide. Passive suicidal ideation refers to thoughts of dying. Learn more about both.

www.healthline.com

I am familiar with the feeling. I guess all I could say is to not valorize "normal". Everyone has their own demons and most are putting on a brave face so sometimes it looks like everyone is doing fine and being "normal" but the reality is they're probably all miserable in their own ways.

I have no formula for happiness.

 

[Prophet Five]

Doesn't everyone? I'll never understand how any rational adult could ever go as long as a week or more without thinking about our morbidity and the fundamental pointlessness of life.

Click to shrink...

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

 

[Schiavone!]

as for therapy - I was looking into it before COVID but now I’mnot comfortable being in a room like that with someone. Online or teleheath therapy doesn’t seem like something I’d stick with. And then there’s the whole “faith based” therapy shit that’s common in my area. I want to find a therapist who is familiar with LGBTQ+ lives and issues which isn’t something that I’ve found is just advertised openly. I have a feeling I going to have to “try on” a good number before I find one that clicks for me.

Click to shrink...

Don't worry. Since you would rather do it online, you have a huge pool of therapists to try. I encourage you to look for one that "gets" you, and is familiar with the things you feel are very important. Huge pool instead of something local. Whether you think you would want to stick with it or not, if you find the right therapist, you'll want to stick with it, so shop around. It's exhausting but necessary.

 

[Landy828]

Doesn't everyone? I'll never understand how any rational adult could ever go as long as a week or more without thinking about our morbidity and the fundamental pointlessness of life.

Click to shrink...

Not once in my 38 years.

I watched my dad die at 32, I was 11, and he took his last breath crying and wanting to just spend one more minute with his wife/kids. Made me value every second I'm here, every breath is a gift someone else didn't get to take despite wanting to continue on.

Having said that, anxiety and depression for many is very real and Prophet Five isn't me, or anyone else. OP, hopefully with all the vaccinations and things getting better in the coming months, you can see someone in person. I'd at least talk to someone, so it gives you a personal outlet.

Being closed away from the world with this pandemic is taking a toll on millions.

Edit** Or an online therapist, might have a wider range to pick from...I see that mentioned above.

 

[Lilyth]

There is help. Medication can give you a new perspective, meditation can help stabilize it. Therapy does work.

You are important and loved. I wish you all the best.

 

[finalflame]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

...that's not how I read that? I felt the person was relating and validating your feelings, not dismissing them. Nobody told you to shut up nor get over it.

I hope you get the help you need. These are tough times.

 

[crienne]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

Hi. I almost jumped from my apartment balcony one night in 2016. I started therapy (not very helpful) and meds (much more helpful) soon after. One of the most important things to know is that it’s not normal to experience these feelings. That poster probably needs to do some introspection as well if they’re having passive suicidal ideation.

Anyway, I want you to know that I still have thoughts on my worst days even though I’ve been doing really well otherwise. I’m honestly not sure what you want to hear, or if you even want any advice, but never be afraid to vent your feelings on whatever forum you need.

Even acknowledging you have these thoughts is a bigger step than you may realize.

 

[Dyle]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

Whether or not it is normal does not mean you can't get help. I'm in the same boat as you and probably desperately need to get help too. I feel the exact same way and have for almost every single day of my adult life. It is so normal for me that it is impossible to imagine that others don't go through that same experience day in and day out.

 

[Ezra]

Doesn't everyone? I'll never understand how any rational adult could ever go as long as a week or more without thinking about our morbidity and the fundamental pointlessness of life.

Click to shrink...

No, it isn't normal not wanting to be alive. If you ever feel this way you should seek medical help.

OP, I understand. I felt very similarly for a few years and it only started to get better with meds. I'm not sure if you want any advice or just needed to vent (I hate when people try to find solutions for me when I'm venting), but I'll say that I also felt the same way about online therapy until I found the one that clicked.

I wish you the best.

 

[Unaha-Closp]

I hear you and feel you OP. I am clinically diagnosed as a Chronic Depressive. My depression comes from being alive. Nothing else - just the existential nothingness that I feel permeate my entire being. 45 years I have been looking for a distraction, as everyone else seemingly positively embraces life as something good and worthwhile and can distract themselves from the reality of how utterly meaningless it all is like it was nothing. For better or worse my only distractions are video games and lurking on Era and Reddit and Youtube. Just passing time until it's over. Everything we do is passing time until your meat body takes enough damage and can't replicate DNA successfully anymore and then you cease to be. I understand the lament of wanting to die as it's an actual answer to your outlook on life. It's good to let it out in a safe place and I hope you feel better in doing so OP.

 

[Torpedo Vegas]

I don't want to kill myself, but I'd be more than ok not to wake up tomorrow.

 

[SneerfulOwl]

I do this at least once a week. Going down the memory lane/nostalgia and comparing myself to my friends and classmates now and it’s just a downward spiral thoughts from there.

 

[Prophet Five]

I feel for everyone who feels this too. It’s a terrible existence. Today has been especially hard - the whole weekend was as well and I don’t even have a “reason” that I felt/feel this way. I just keep circling back to “I’m alone and everyone hates me.”

don’t worry - I hate me too.

 

[DoctorPlayer MD]

It's pretty clear that you have clinical depression, and your medication isn't doing enough. You should go back to your psychiatrist, and maybe start seeing a psychologist for therapy. And also thell your husband, if he said he would be there when you're sick, this is the time.

 

[Gotchaforce]

For me lately it’s been rough with spring coming on. Feeling like life is returning outside but I’m miserable on the inside makes it all worse.

 

[Filipus]

OP I know you think you won't stick to online therapy, but you should try it. It can be a positive experience in many ways, my wife does it now and it's certainly better than nothing.

What are your apprehensions about it? You feel the therapist won't connect with you or listen to you? Or you feel it's easier to ditch and not go to it?


Also Covid certainly doesn't help at all. Not saying Pre-Covid everything was perfect but this constant fear and isolation certainly takes a tool on people, whether they notice it or not.

 

[Kitsunebaby]

I know you mostly just wanna vent, but if you're open to advice I'd suggest seriously trying to change your mindset. While I think you're probably suffering some delusions, and assuming people resent you when they really don't, even if they did fuck em. You don't exist on this earth for the benefit of other people. If you can appreciate yourself, regardless of who likes you or how successful you are, and live for your own enjoyment a lot of this stress would go away. It won't prevent depression but it would make it far easier to cope.

Either way, wishing you the best dude.

 

[Garrett 2U]

It sounds like you don’t want to do anything because you expect to fail or not find success.
You desire to create something which finds success, but you are afraid to fail so you create nothing. But the crux of the issue is that by creating nothing, you are ensuring that you’ll never find success. And in doing this, you are failing yourself every single moment.

Worst case scenario is that you fail every single moment by doing nothing.
Average case scenario is that you create things but don’t meet your expectation of success and feel like you failed.
Best case scenario is that you create things and meet your expectation of success and you feel good.

I’ve been where you are, you aren’t alone. You are absolutely a normal person. You can only move up one rung at a time. You can’t go from creating nothing to finding success, you have to fail. And most people fail a lot.

The actual secret trick is to manage your expectations so that you find success in everything you do. For example, if you set your goal to be simply doing something, then you can feel genuine success by just getting out of bed. At first, it might feel inauthentic, as if the success was undeserved. But by continuing to set, achieve, and fail the easy goals, you’ll develop the mentality to set, achieve, and fail the tougher goals.

For example, if accomplish your goal of getting out of bed one day but then fail next day, who cares, you’re back where you started just a day before and nobody even knows. Tomorrow you’ll have another chance to succeed, and it might even feel good to do it.

After I was getting out of bed, one of the first goals I set was to meet with a psychiatrist. They were a doctor that listened to my issues and prescribed some treatments (could be medicine or therapy or both) which really helped me. I’d recommend doing that, you might be surprised how helpful they can be. Where I live, they are doing video appointments because of COVID, so it’s even easier to reach out.

 

[Musubi]

DISCLAIMER: I am not going to kill myself.

I have reservations about posting this - especially since I've seen some of the train wrecks that "help me" topics can become on ERA but I just... need to vent. The mods can lock it if they feel the need.

Yeah, yeah, I know "find a therapist." Okay. Thanks. I didn't think about that myself.

But, as the title states, I don't want to be alive anymore. I've been dealing with this feeling for a while - maybe the pandemic has made it worse? I'm not really sure. I don't like to talk about it with people because I always feel like everyone assumes I want attention or coddling - I don't. The "it'll get better!" and "you're great/funny/loved" shit just makes me feel worse about myself. And then there's the whole part of my brain that just says "they're just saying it to be nice and absolve themselves of guilt if I were to actually drop dead." The best way to describe how I feel is "passively suicidal." I daydream about just not having to wake up to face the world anymore. The thought of no longer failing at everything I do, disappointing the few people who care about me, or annoying the people who have to deal with me is just... it would be a relief to not have to deal with the weight and stress of it all again.

Click to shrink...

I often feel the same way. I of course have my good days but even on the good days there is always the lingering thought of like... what is the point to any of this. I just feel like I haven't found anything that feels like a good enough purpose to exist.

 

[MrWindUpBird]

What do you like, OP? What are your some other hobbies or interests you have? What games do you like to play? I can't say I really have any actual advice for you, I struggle with suicidal thoughts every day. But, even if it's small, I'm always open to hopping on a discord call and just shooting the shit and playing whatever games you may want! I lack any gaming "skills" so I'm far away from someone who gets frustrated with others.

I don't want to say keep your chin up when you're going through a tough time and that can come off as a slap in the face but...Keep your chin up, friend.

 

[Git]

yeah I feel you OP. would suggest maybe trying something different to the zoloft but dunno how many you've already been through. I have shit phases like this regularly through the year, SAD + lockdown definitely doesn't help I mostly cope by getting high a lot, but really the worst start to a day is waking up and having intrusive suicidal thoughts before I've even properly opened my eyes. talking to people helps, I've never tried therapy cause despite it being free on the nhs the waiting list is basically indefinite. What usually helps me is just getting obsessed with a new thing, or doing some art therapy, doing drawing, painting etc.

 

[Neurotic]

Focus on short term goals -

1. Get vaccinated.

2. Find a therapist.

3. See about altering / changing your meds with the help of your therapist / doctor.

4. Do something that brings you joy.

 

[Neurotic]

Hi. I almost jumped from my apartment balcony one night in 2016. I started therapy (not very helpful) and meds (much more helpful) soon after. One of the most important things to know is that it’s not normal to experience these feelings. That poster probably needs to do some introspection as well if they’re having passive suicidal ideation.

Anyway, I want you to know that I still have thoughts on my worst days even though I’ve been doing really well otherwise. I’m honestly not sure what you want to hear, or if you even want any advice, but never be afraid to vent your feelings on whatever forum you need.

Even acknowledging you have these thoughts is a bigger step than you may realize.

Click to shrink...

I’m so glad you got the help you needed.

 

[Hale-XF11]

I'm in the same boat and want help.

The only thing I think that's stopping me from seeking out therapy is just not knowing what the mystery bill is going to be once it arrives in my mailbox. I can't handle the anxiety of not knowing what it will cost me to get the help I need and I've never been able to get those kind of answers from my health insurer. Even with my large deductible, they somehow manage to find a way to charge me more and more and more for anything they help me with. I'm still in medical debt for treatment I sought out 2 years ago. How am I supposed to get help when I can't afford it, but I'm not poor enough to get assistance?

 

[SOBOSLDR]

Sorry but I wish to be alive, my house is falling apart I am constantly worried about it crushing me so I wish to be alive all the time, especially so I can seem my son grow up. Only thing I can say to you OP is that you should find something u enjoy (easy), and stop focusing on your thoughts (hard)

 

[Yata]

I can relate to a lot of what you have posted. My only advice is to focus on anything that has ever made or make you happy and live for them as hard as you can. Also, your self esteem, or lack thereof, is getting the best of you.

Aside from that, therapy helps a lot. I know it's hard to hear it sometimes, but it really helps. At the very least, venting like this is healthy.

 

[Valiant]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

The beatings will continue till morale increases.

If you open up to people you cant always expect it to be positive. Shit takes time always. I have felt like you at times too. It's mental shit you either get help for it or you just suffer thru it.

What else do you want?

 

[Parthenios]

I have this feeling all the time. Not a "I should kill myself" but sort of a mental visualization of myself dying in accidents. A lot of it stems from the rise of Trumpism (plus Matt Bevin in Kentucky) really peeling back that things are only ever going to get worse and I'm only getting older and going to feel worse and be in worse health so if a meteor squashed me would that really be worse than wage slaving until I'm too broken and get carted off to a nursing home to die?

I found out very recently that this isn't normal? I thought everyone had these thoughts but I guess not?

 

[crienne]

The beatings will continue till morale increases.

If you open up to people you cant always expect it to be positive. Shit takes time always. I have felt like you at times too. It's mental shit you either get help for it or you just suffer thru it.

What else do you want?

Click to shrink...

Man alive do I hate cynical takes like this. Why be negative to someone opening up, especially when you've gone through similar things? Like, I'm not saying you have to be relentlessly optimistic ("things get better", etc.), but at the very least don't be antagonistic. Have some empathy.

Therapists are the only ones that should be throwing out "tough love" takes because, for the most part, they're trained in how to do so effectively.

 

[Dark Knight]

Doesn't everyone? I'll never understand how any rational adult could ever go as long as a week or more without thinking about our morbidity and the fundamental pointlessness of life.

Click to shrink...

I get what you're saying, but perpetually thinking about the inevitability of oblivion is itself irrational. You can't change it and it's unproductive to your health and happiness, so in what sense is that a rational thing to do?

 

[Valiant]

Man alive do I hate cynical takes like this. Why be negative to someone opening up, especially when you've gone through similar things? Like, I'm not saying you have to be relentlessly optimistic ("things get better", etc.), but at the very least don't be antagonistic. Have some empathy.

Therapists are the only ones that should be throwing out "tough love" takes because, for the most part, they're trained in how to do so effectively.

Click to shrink...

Listen some one did tell them they weren't alone by saying something empathetic to OP. I'm responding to that. I am telling OP to get help otherwise you will just suffer.

And having mental issues doesn't mean you can weaponize it against those and use it as an excuse to be shitty, which is what plenty of people have done and easily do over the internet.

 

[Nothing Loud]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

OP, in my experience it’s best to avoid posting threads here about mental vulnerabilities or very personal stories. People are ready to judge and dismiss and backfire OPs constantly here, it’s best to stay out of it and lurk the more neutral threads instead.

my only positive experience was sharing my Cannabis Use Disorder and people were very supportive of substance dependence recovery. I appreciated that. But that kind of thread outcome isn’t guaranteed on here. People tend to be snippy and negative.

 

[Arrogant PsycHOPathy]

Look into Borderline Personality Disorder. When you do go to therapy, explore that as a possible cause for the depression and not wanting to be alive?

Some of the statements you've made and the way you perceive reality come off as borderline-esque thinking. And since you are on an anti-depressant and still making this thread, I will assume it works very little? Borderlines have very black and white thinking (otherwise known as 'splitting'). If that is in fact what ails you. Psychotropic medication minimally helps those with BPD however, psychotherapy does and with that, a basic sense of motivation to change. - Someone who provides intensive mental health treatment.

 

[Totenkinder]

I can relate I've dealt with feelings of worthlessness and suicidal ideation. And I totally get not wanting to do online or teletherapy for me I need to be in the same room as my therapist it makes me more accountable to go to my sessions. I actually started back up with in person therapy during the pandemic because I felt I was becoming too depressed not to and I knew it would help so maybe that's something to consider. It's my one and only "risky" behavior and it's helped a lot as other than my husband it's really the only person I have regular contact with. I ended up seeing a family therapist but when I was searching I was able to go to a website through my insurance and do an advanced search for LGBTQ+ therapists so that's something to look into. Also check with a gay and lesbian center in the area they will often have a list of local LGBTQ+ friendly therapists

In the short term as others have said what brings you joy OP? Read a favorite book, watch a movie you love, listen to your favorite album these are things that have helped me when I'm down. At a low point I used to just watch twitch streams most of the day and it really helped calm me and take my mind off things. If you're able to yoga / exercise can be a a big help but when I'm at my most down I almost never have the motivation.

Lastly if you don't have a pet and are fond of animals consider adopting. I got a kitten back in June and it has helped keep me sane during the pandemic so much. It forces me to get up each morning to feed him, empty his litter box multiple times per day, clean out his drinking fountains once a week. As weird as it sounds I look forward to these small chores they help give your day some structure and the love and affection you receive from them in return is so worth it. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my kitty.

I truly hope things get better OP

 

[crienne]

Listen some one did tell them they weren't alone by saying something empathetic to OP. I'm responding to that. I am telling OP to get help otherwise you will just suffer.

And having mental issues doesn't mean you can weaponize it against those and use it as an excuse to be shitty, which is what plenty of people have done and easily do over the internet.

Click to shrink...

Did anyone do that in this thread though? Like, why even bring this up?

Also they've clearly gotten some help as they're on meds. Sure, it doesn't seem to be enough, but in my anecdotal experiences people tend to shut down more when people just say, "get help". Therapy is a deeply personal thing and if someone doesn't feel ready for it, telling them to get help isn't going to do anything.

 

[Nothing Loud]

As for mental illness, speaking from experience, it will not get better until you learn skills either in therapy or online and/or get medicated. Life doesn’t have to feel that way. Meds and therapy can effectively treat depression and anxiety. This is science-backed research. If you don’t have money for meds or a therapist, look up guided meditation practices, yoga, mindfulness exercises/practice. Practice and learn them. The neuroplasticity in your brain will forge new neural pathways and learn a new default behavior when anxiety and depression kick in.

for context I have C-PTSD, trauma, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and now possibly Cannabis Use Disorder. I’m on 8 psych meds and see a therapist 2x a week. Do you know what Era did when I opened up about that? They fucking dog piled me for getting “too much therapy” and judged my marriage for doing too much “couples therapy.” That’s why I advise just not opening up too much on here. Find a trusted friend you can confide in, or a therapist, to express these details. Look into CBT and DBT (especially workbooks from Marsha Linehan)

 

[Valiant]

Did anyone do that in this thread though? Like, why even bring this up?

Also they've clearly gotten some help as they're on meds. Sure, it doesn't seem to be enough, but in my anecdotal experiences people tend to shut down more when people just say, "get help". Therapy is a deeply personal thing and if someone doesn't feel ready for it, telling them to get help isn't going to do anything.

Click to shrink...

Weaponizing can be used to manipulate and manipulation can be done by making people feel guilty about something. I don't need to go into examples.

So if they don't get more help? They just what?

Suffer probably?

I just find it funny that you can be an armchair psychiatrist in here but I cannot. You say "Don't give tough love" but also "Don't say get help that's also cruel."

Ye OP needs to figure out stuff on their own to get to the point of seeking more help. But I'm not gonna treat the op like a sad sack because clearly they don't want to be.

 

[AniHawk]

I was wondering when someone would come in and dismiss how I felt as something normal that everyone goes through. Now I’m left to wonder how many others think I should just shut up and get over it.

posting this here was a mistake.

Click to shrink...

if it helps, i've dealt with suicidal ideation (not attempts) over the last few years. those thoughts constantly beating down are a fucking drag, especially if it's the first thing your mind goes to. you're not alone and it's not your fault that your mind goes to these places.

i just had this conversation with my mom, who also struggles with depression and anxiety, as she was asking for me to pray for her over a toothache she was having (and expecting the worst). my dad was on the call and he doesn't have depression or really understand it. this turned into explaining to him how compliments sometimes feel like they're not genuine to someone with depression, like you don't deserve it, is a hard thing to try and understand.

things have improved with therapy and i'm on zoloft now too, but if your medication isn't working, then maybe see about changing it to something else or adjusting the dosage? and maybe having more regular therapy sessions might help too.

something else that helped me was a daily routine: something to get up and do every day. i work out on ring fit adventure for an hour, and i'll play one hour of a game a day on a portable elliptical (currently on ys ix). then i'll walk outside for about half an hour. the physical activity in and of itself generally helps and the feeling of progress has been good too.

and this might be dumb, but do you have any pets? when i had a golden retriever/whippet mix, he was a constant source of joy for me because of how playful he was. it made going on daily walks easier too because we were caring for him and it helped form a routine.

 

[Peltz]

Op, you already mentioned you’ve considered therapy, so I won’t suggest that to you.

But, on another topic, do you think your outlook would change at all if you did feel useful? It may help to volunteer your time towards charitable causes. Nearly everyone, regardless of education or professional skills can make a positive impact on their community if they volunteer their time to help others. It could be as simple as doing a meals on wheels thing where you give sandwiches to homeless people or something. Anything really.

 

[blame space]

i can't even get ssris. i can't even do get first step to fixing this stupid brain.

 

[crienne]

Weaponizing can be used to manipulate and manipulation can be done by making people feel guilty about something. I don't need to go into examples.

So if they don't get more help? They just what?

Suffer probably?

I just find it funny that you can be an armchair psychiatrist in here but I cannot. You say "Don't give tough love" but also "Don't say get help that's also cruel."

Ye OP needs to figure out stuff on their own to get to the point of seeking more help. But I'm not gonna treat the op like a sad sack because clearly they don't want to be.

Click to shrink...

Fair enough. I can see how I'm being hypocritical here. I still think you can avoid treating someone like a sad sack without coming off as cruel, but I'll back off of criticizing how you choose to dole out advice.

i can't even get ssris. i can't even do get first step to fixing this stupid brain.

Click to shrink...

Why not?

 

[Nude_Tayne]

I can kind of relate. Not exactly the same circumstances but I've had on and off (more on) suicidal ideation for two decades. It's ok I'm used to it! Therapy has done nothing for me. I am honestly, seriously looking into psychedelic therapy for my depression, anxiety, and severe self esteem and self confidence issues. If you're not familiar with it, it was used fairly successfully (if not at all really understood) in the 50s and 60s, scrubbed from history for the obvious sociopolitical reasons, and is having a resurgence now and slowly gaining legality and support for research. It seems like the real deal as crazy as it sounds, having relatively miraculous results for all sorts of severe personal/emotional problems, almost kind of "resetting", or rewiring your brain, flushing out negative thought patterns and whatnot. Currently reading through the book How to Change Your Mind, it's pretty fucking interesting.

Just food for thought... whatevs.