I lost my best friend and the first woman I properly loved

[msdstc]

Sometimes the truth is hard. If he really loved her he would not have chosen to disrupt her life. He cared more about himself and his wants than he did for her.

Click to shrink...

ughh again, in his mind he wasn't disrupting her life, in his head he was making her happy when clearly she wasn't and could give her an amazing life. And again he was dumb to think this and had no place doing what he did. This idea that love is some infallible force where you automatically know all the answers is asinine. If anything it makes you think you can do the impossible and idealize the hell out of everything. You can absolutely be in love and do dumb things, it happens all the time. He loved her, he thought he could make it work, he fucked up. He's an asshole who thought he could work it out, rookie mistake.

 

[Draconestra]

OP, I don't know how old you are, but this... this isn't love, this is 100% lust.

The coworker was feeling bored in her marriage and decided to have some fun with you, and you caught feelings. Like, how much did you really know about her as a person? I don't mean just bio facts like she's married, she likes [x], but do you really know what she's like as a human being? Does she know what you're all about for real? Does she support you in your goals? Do you know what her overall goals even are? Does she want to build any kind of future with you not contingent on make out or masturbation sessions? If the answer to any of these is "no" or "I don't know," this wasn't it, chief.

I mean, just re-read your summary and realize that 99% of your summarized conversations with her involved sex acts and shit else. And this isn't even a situation where she's in an abusive relationship and you're trying to support her and her child as much as possible; the child might as well be a non-player for you in the summary!

But yeah, don't mess with married individuals

Click to shrink...

This guys gets it. OP wasn't in love, or is in love tbh. Nothing but lust and infatuation.

I also feel no sympathy for OP or this Sarah girl. Both of y'all were playing with fire.

 

[Piccoro]

You should work on that anger as well mate, perhaps see a counselor, it'll make you a better person.

*sigh*

Fine I will say my piece here.

I went through this scenario. I am "the husband". But things are never this cut and dry. I know fully well now that I was a shitty husband. As mad as I was at the time, I know why she sought outside attention. We tried to work on it, I even spoke to the "other guy" and told him to leave her alone. But we were both young and stubborn, she wanted improvements to the marriage very fast, and I knew it was gonna take a lot of counseling. Eventually her patience wore off, and I was frustrated and we separated.

But it was like I was free. Started dating, going out, seeking out new experiences. She started dating that dude. But the thing of it is, she constantly kept talking about me, all the time. Eventually she tried to work it out, but I got a taste of freedom so I didn't wanna get back into the marriage and we decided to get amicably divorced.

She married the dude, has a kid and is very happy. I am very glad for her. Understand, that I was just not a good husband.

I had my fun, dated, traveled the world (still do), met someone and got re-married.

Things worked out well for all involved parties, but we all needed to mature and learn. I still miss her a lot from time to time, and I wish I was a better husband.

People cheat for a reason.

We all need to grow up.

Click to shrink...

What the hell is this victim-blaming crap?
Cheating is never the cheated person's fault. If the spouse is having feelings for another person, the spouse has to break up first, not being with two people at the same time.

That last paragraph you wrote should be applied to yourself, it seems.

 

[The BLJ]

Do not mess with someone who's married. This is such a basic concept, I have no idea why no one does that. Just... Don't mess with someone who's currently married, and not even in the process of getting a divorce or something. I can't think of a single situation in which this could turn into anything but a disaster.

 

[DeadmansTheory]

Maybe Sarah just found someone to fuck around with at her new job and couldn't handle juggling a third relationship.

Click to shrink...

 

[AegonSnake]

OP, u need to work on yourself. you are a terrible person and i am surprised no one here is calling you out on it. you are selfish, you ruined a marriage, you have most likely ruined a kid's childhood. she is trying to save her marriage and begging u to stop and all you can think about is yourself? absolutely disgusting.

does anyone else think the husband is a serious asshole for reading his wife's texts? i mean, he ruined this budding relationship with that dishonest move.

Click to shrink...

is this a joke post? i seriously dont know with this forum.

i also love how the first post says 'life is unfair even if you didnt nothing wrong'. umm this guy cheated on his gf who he was living with and was trying to fuck another man's wife. thats garbage.

OP, take a step back and put yourself in her husband's shoes. how would you like it if your wife was out there making out in bathrooms. i hope this never happens to you but seeing as how you are refusing to learn from this, i am sure you will be out there trying to fuck another man's wife. You get zero sympathy from me.

 

[psynergyadept]

You fucked up OP; Y'all both played with fire and got burnt, and even more so you made a supposedly rocky marriage even more unstable for the husband and the child. There's no learning and growing for. This as it was wrong from day one and you know it.

 

[carlsojo]

OP, u need to work on yourself. you are a terrible person and i am surprised no one here is calling you out on it. you are selfish, you ruined a marriage, you have most likely ruined a kid's childhood. she is trying to save her marriage and begging u to stop and all you can think about is yourself? absolutely disgusting.

is this a joke post? i seriously dont know with this forum.

i also love how the first post says 'life is unfair even if you didnt nothing wrong'. umm this guy cheated on his gf who he was living with and was trying to fuck another man's wife. thats garbage.

OP, take a step back and put yourself in her husband's shoes. how would you like it if your wife was out there making out in bathrooms. i hope this never happens to you but seeing as how you are refusing to learn from this, i am sure you will be out there trying to fuck another man's wife. You get zero sympathy from me.

Click to shrink...

He's young and stupid and probably has never been in a real relationship much less a marriage. He made a mistake. We've all fallen for people we weren't supposed to. He needs to let her go and move on and find someone* healthy to be in a relationship with.

*NOT a coworker.

 

[thecouncil]

You should work on that anger as well mate, perhaps see a counselor, it'll make you a better person.

*sigh*

Fine I will say my piece here.

I went through this scenario. I am "the husband". But things are never this cut and dry. I know fully well now that I was a shitty husband. As mad as I was at the time, I know why she sought outside attention. We tried to work on it, I even spoke to the "other guy" and told him to leave her alone. But we were both young and stubborn, she wanted improvements to the marriage very fast, and I knew it was gonna take a lot of counseling. Eventually her patience wore off, and I was frustrated and we separated.

But it was like I was free. Started dating, going out, seeking out new experiences. She started dating that dude. But the thing of it is, she constantly kept talking about me, all the time. Eventually she tried to work it out, but I got a taste of freedom so I didn't wanna get back into the marriage and we decided to get amicably divorced.

She married the dude, has a kid and is very happy. I am very glad for her. Understand, that I was just not a good husband.

I had my fun, dated, traveled the world (still do), met someone and got re-married.

Things worked out well for all involved parties, but we all needed to mature and learn. I still miss her a lot from time to time, and I wish I was a better husband.

People cheat for a reason.

We all need to grow up.

Click to shrink...

i agree. sarah's husband is a piece of shit. if he had tried a little harder, maybe his wife wouldn't have had to cheat on him at their house while he was visiting his mom for christmas.

 

[Grayson]

After the last cheating thread where multiple people excused the cheating I'm glad this one went the way it did.
If you cheat you are garbage. There is no coming back from it. The risks and damages were known and you chose to do it.

Admit to yourself you're not cut out for a committed relationship and don't tell the next person you are. Open relationships are your gig and don't fuck that up either. People suffer because of you.

 

[msdstc]

He's young and stupid and probably has never been in a real relationship much less a marriage. He made a mistake. We've all fallen for people we weren't supposed to. He needs to let her go and move on and find someone* healthy to be in a relationship with.

*NOT a coworker.

Click to shrink...

LOL OP said he was in an 8 year relationship when he started this fling. He's absolutely been in a real relationship. He just fell for the excitement and off limits aspect.

 

[carlsojo]

LOL OP said he was in an 8 year relationship when he started this fling. He's absolutely been in a real relationship. He just fell for the excitement and off limits aspect.

Click to shrink...

Well he sure as shit doesn't act like it so I kind of doubt it was a real relationship and not someone else he was sexting.

 

[MilesQ]

You should work on that anger as well mate, perhaps see a counselor, it'll make you a better person.

*sigh*

Fine I will say my piece here.

I went through this scenario. I am "the husband". But things are never this cut and dry. I know fully well now that I was a shitty husband. As mad as I was at the time, I know why she sought outside attention. We tried to work on it, I even spoke to the "other guy" and told him to leave her alone. But we were both young and stubborn, she wanted improvements to the marriage very fast, and I knew it was gonna take a lot of counseling. Eventually her patience wore off, and I was frustrated and we separated.

But it was like I was free. Started dating, going out, seeking out new experiences. She started dating that dude. But the thing of it is, she constantly kept talking about me, all the time. Eventually she tried to work it out, but I got a taste of freedom so I didn't wanna get back into the marriage and we decided to get amicably divorced.

She married the dude, has a kid and is very happy. I am very glad for her. Understand, that I was just not a good husband.

I had my fun, dated, traveled the world (still do), met someone and got re-married.

Things worked out well for all involved parties, but we all needed to mature and learn. I still miss her a lot from time to time, and I wish I was a better husband.

People cheat for a reason.

We all need to grow up.

Click to shrink...

Fam, sounds you were just a garbage husband to your first wife and it was only you who needed to grow up.

 

[MilesQ]

After the last cheating thread where multiple people excused the cheating I'm glad this one went the way it did.
If you cheat you are garbage. There is no coming back from it. The risks and damages were known and you chose to do it.

Admit to yourself you're not cut out for a committed relationship and don't tell the next person you are. Open relationships are your gig and don't fuck that up either. People suffer because of you.

Click to shrink...

People were excusing cheating?

Oh dear...

 

[mrmoose]

does anyone else think the husband is a serious asshole for reading his wife's texts? i mean, he ruined this budding relationship with that dishonest move.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, talk about a betrayal of trust. The true villain here, well stated. ;)

 

[Deleted member 1120]

You're a terrible person

 

[Nostremitus]

ughh again, in his mind he wasn't disrupting her life, in his head he was making her happy when clearly she wasn't and could give her an amazing life. And again he was dumb to think this and had no place doing what he did. This idea that love is some infallible force where you automatically know all the answers is asinine. If anything it makes you think you can do the impossible and idealize the hell out of everything. You can absolutely be in love and do dumb things, it happens all the time. He loved her, he thought he could make it work, he fucked up. He's an asshole who thought he could work it out, rookie mistake.

Click to shrink...

Nah, there's a big difference between love and possessive lust. You sound like you're still working on figuring that out as well.

 

[echoshifting]

Oh look a homewrecker. You sound like a very manipulative and self-centered person. Your story is just trash. "I'm not looking for sympathy" yeah I'm sure you weren't.

It is one thing to mess around with a married person and entirely another to do it when there is a kid in the mix. Wake up to your own selfishness and leave these people alone.

 

[ThroughtheVoid]

I'd be willing to bet the reason OP dumped his girl of eight years is cause he thought he had a shot with the married chick lmao. And it doesn't matter what OP said about his eight year relationship, he cheated so is he even trustworthy lol

 

[Chris McQueen]

It sucks, OP. You'll get through it though, I have.

 

[SugarNoodles]

Zero sympathy at all. You started doing shit with a woman you know was married and has a child. Her husband has found out so that relationship is probably fucked and you've destroyed that kids family.

Click to shrink...

Let's at least be clear that she destroyed her own family.

 

[thecouncil]

I'd be willing to bet the reason OP dumped his girl of eight years is cause he thought he had a shot with the married chick lmao. And it doesn't matter what OP said about his eight year relationship, he cheated so is he even trustworthy lol

Click to shrink...

eh, it wasn't going great:

I don't want to go into a ton of detail but that 8 year relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive. I tried several times to end it. The first time I did she smashed a plate and cut her wrists in front of me. The second time she threw a microwave at me and tried to kill herself. I couldn't break up with her, I felt trapped.

What happened with Sarah played no part in us breaking up, it was just what gave me the push to finally do it.

Click to shrink...

 

[msdstc]

Nah, there's a big difference between love and possessive lust. You sound like you're still working on figuring that out as well.

Click to shrink...

lmao sure thing dude. Been in 2 major relationships in my life, one was 10 years, and one right now for 2.5. I'm not saying OP was in love, I'm saying absolutist statements like yours are trash. Plenty of people in love make poor decisions all the time because they think they know what's best. Nice personal shot at me when you don't know a thing about me though.

 

[Nostremitus]

lmao sure thing dude. Been in 2 major relationships in my life, one was 10 years, and one right now for 2.5. I'm not saying OP was in love, I'm saying absolutist statements like yours are trash. Plenty of people in love make poor decisions all the time because they think they know what's best. Nice personal shot at me when you don't know a thing about me though.

Click to shrink...

And yet you still seem to be missing the point.

 

[nitewulf]

You guys are tough on the internet, I get that, just that, we don't know how bad the marriage was or anything on that front to accuse Sarah and brand her an awful person.

 

[msdstc]

And yet you still seem to be missing the point.

Click to shrink...

How am I missing the point? I'm saying your blanket statement is broken. The OP was an asshole who I have openly said was lustful and enjoying the thrill of the affair and a new fling. I'm saying your statement doesn't always apply. People in love make terrible decisions all the time. People move away together and give up full lives or careers that ultimately they regret all the time. You can be in love and think you're doing the right thing in the name of love, when in reality life doesn't always pan out the way you want. Your statement is trash.

 

[Sai]

wait lmfao i'm just reconciling the fact that you said this was the first person you properly loved

but also you were dating someone for 8 years

what the whole FUCK bro lmaooooooooo

 

[msdstc]

wait lmfao i'm just reconciling the fact that you said this was the first person you properly loved

but also you were dating someone for 8 years

what the whole FUCK bro lmaooooooooo

Click to shrink...

To be fair to OP in this case, a person can be in a toxic broken ass relationship and think that's normal until they free themselves of it, sounds like those 2 had stuck together despite the flame dying long ago, this also happens often. Ultimately though I think the newness and the thrill made OP think that's what love is, when in reality it was just an extreme rush and would fade over time.

 

[Grouch Douglass]

Let's at least be clear that she destroyed her own family.

Click to shrink...

The wife did explicitly tell OP it was over and to never contact her again. She clearly stated her family was the most important thing to her and that she chose them over OP. OP did not want to accept this and kept pushing. OP was helping to destroy their marriage and was willing to keep trying to destroy it after she told him the little fling was over and to keep away.

 

[Nostremitus]

How am I missing the point? I'm saying your blanket statement is broken. The OP was an asshole who I have openly said was lustful and enjoying the thrill of the affair and a new fling. I'm saying your statement doesn't always apply. People in love make terrible decisions all the time. People move away together and give up full lives or careers that ultimately they regret all the time. You can be in love and think you're doing the right thing in the name of love, when in reality life doesn't always pan out the way you want. Your statement is trash.

Click to shrink...

Love and lust aren't the same thing dude, you don't do that kind of shit when you're actually in love. You do that shit when you mistake lust and an entitled sense of ownership over another person for love. People are reckless for lust.

 

[metalslimer]

I'm not going to call you a terrible person, but sleeping with someone who has a kid is such a fucking terrible thing to do and you don't get any sympathy for that. That being said, it sounds like you were in a horrific relationship and latched on to something that was better that was in front of you. Like others have said, this seems less like love and more like both of you taking pleasure in something that wasn't as negative.

I would honestly recommend therapy to sort out all of the issues you have faced so you can learn from this and become better.

 

[SugarNoodles]

The wife did explicitly tell OP it was over and to never contact her again. She clearly stated her family was the most important thing to her and that she chose them over OP. OP did not want to accept this and kept pushing. OP was helping to destroy their marriage and was willing to keep trying to destroy it after she told him the little fling was over and to keep away.

Click to shrink...

Ummmmm because she got caught? Why does your evaluation of the situation start like 95% of the way into the story?

 

[msdstc]

Love and lust aren't the same thing dude, you don't do that kind of shit when you're actually in love. You do that shit when you mistake lust and an entitled sense of ownership over another person for love. People are reckless for lust.

Click to shrink...

omg yes you do. People can be deeply in love and it can burn out. People choose love over career all. the. time. Ultimately if love flames out it leads to regret and resentment. On the other hand some people choose love over career and it turns out to be the best decision of their lives. You have a lot to learn. Yes people do reckless shit in the name of lust, but people take risks in love as well and it doesn't always work out.

edit- lust also causes reckless decisions as well. People in love do stupid shit all the time. What the hell constitutes love to you? Perfectly calculated well thought out lives? Love comes to crossroads all the time especially as we get older and major career shakeups happen.

 

[Nostremitus]

omg yes you do. People can be deeply in love and it can burn out. People choose love over career all. the. time. Ultimately if love flames out it leads to regret and resentment. You have a lot to learn. Yes people do reckless shit in the name of lust, but people take risks in love as well and it doesn't always work out.

Click to shrink...

I've already learned the difference, thanks. Maybe you'll learn it before your current relationship hits trouble.

 

[SugarNoodles]

Love and lust aren't the same thing dude, you don't do that kind of shit when you're actually in love. You do that shit when you mistake lust and an entitled sense of ownership over another person for love. People are reckless for lust.

Click to shrink...

You watching movies about love: "they're not actually in love. That's just lust"

 

[Deleted member 13798]

It ended with me trying to kiss her, and her asking me not to. I can't really explain why I did. In the moment, I know she wanted me to kiss her, but she didn't at the same time. It's hard to explain. I know she wanted me to kiss her though, she hasn't outright denied that.

Click to shrink...

What the fuck.

Please let me know you're ok". The reply I got was like being hit by a truck.

"My husband has read all our chats, I've fucked up the one thing I truly cared about. I can't be a part of this friendship any more, I'm sorry. Please stay away, I really mean it".

I immediately replied asking if I could call her so we could talk and she just replied "no". I sent another couple off messages since then, to no reply. I couldn't deal with that. Over the past year, aside from falling in love with her and all that other stuff, she had become my best friend. The person I could speak to about anything at any time, and to go from messaging constantly every day to just complete silence just broke me. It feels like she's died or something. I sent her one last message last night. I've since deleted it, so I'm paraphrasing, but I basically said "I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. I can't just go from messaging you every day and seeing you all the time to losing you completely over night. If you think that trying to work things out with your husband is what's really best for you then I obviously want you to do that, and I I know you don't owe me anything, but I need more closure than that. It's too hard for me to just pretend you don't exist all of a sudden. Please just say anything to me, tell me how you're doing, how your new jobs is. Just something" to which she replied "I'm sorry you feel that way, try to find your own way to move past this and don't message me again".

So that's where I'm at now. I don't know what to do. I feel like my life has been ripped from me. Even though I never really had her, I've lost the woman I love in the space of a day. From constant messaging and chatting every day, to her telling me never to message her again. Again, I get why, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's like I'm going through a break up with something I wasn't in a relationship with.

Click to shrink...

Aside from the whole infidelity thing, I don't think I've done anything "wrong" in the sense that I haven't done anything to make her angry at me.

Click to shrink...

Lmao what the fuck dude. You're making all of this shit about you, grow up and get the fuck over it. She said no, she doesn't want to talk to you anymore, sounds like she's trying to save her marriage and her family. Get the fuck out of her life Like she asked. The way you're talking about it sounds like something a 17-year-old would say, you lost the love of your life who happened to be a married woman you were fooling around with on the side, ridiculous.

 

[Nostremitus]

You watching movies about love: "they're not actually in love. That's just lust"

Click to shrink...

You watching movies about lust: "OMG, their love is so pure."

 

[msdstc]

I've already learned the difference, thanks. Maybe you'll learn it before your current relationship hits trouble.

Click to shrink...

lmao sure thing fella. Glad to know if you come to a cross road in your relationship you will automatically pick the best decision by default. Also glad to know love requires no risk at all, I feel so enlightened.

 

[Nostremitus]

lmao sure thing fella. Glad to know if you come to a cross road in your relationship you will automatically pick the best decision by default. Also glad to know love requires no risk at all, I feel so enlightened.

Click to shrink...

Where did I say any of that?

 

[msdstc]

Where did I say any of that?

Click to shrink...

Your whole argument is that if you're in love you automatically know what's best for someone. My whole point is that you can be in love with someone and make the wrong decision because you THINK you (both people in the relationship) know what's best. Your blanket statement is factually incorrect. Somebody in love can absolutely take risks and think they're doing the right thing for that person, but it ultimately backfires, and again it happens all the time.

edit- also enough with the patronizing bullshit. You're not some love guru here, I'm loving the implication that my relationships are broken and someday I'll figure them out.

 

[Cokie Bear]

The wife did explicitly tell OP it was over and to never contact her again. She clearly stated her family was the most important thing to her and that she chose them over OP. OP did not want to accept this and kept pushing. OP was helping to destroy their marriage and was willing to keep trying to destroy it after she told him the little fling was over and to keep away.

Click to shrink...

I didn't "keep pushing". I sent 3 texts total. One asking if we could talk, one saying "okay, sorry" and the one in the OP. 3 texts over a 3 day period.

 

[msdstc]

I didn't "keep pushing". I sent 3 texts total. One asking if we could talk, one saying "okay, sorry" and the one in the OP. 3 texts over a 3 day period.

Click to shrink...

That's still pushing. You have to let it go. She has said no. Move on.

 

[ThroughtheVoid]

eh, it wasn't going great:

Click to shrink...

given OP's prior history and his actions detailed in this very thread, I find it hard to believe things he tries to justify lmao

 

[echoshifting]

I didn't "keep pushing". I sent 3 texts total. One asking if we could talk, one saying "okay, sorry" and the one in the OP. 3 texts over a 3 day period.

Click to shrink...

Quit playing semantic games, you texted her multiple times after she asked you to leave her alone.

 

[BMW]

Takes two to wreck a home so the blame is not just on the OP.

 

[Indy in the Fridge]

What the fuck.

Click to shrink...

 

[Cokie Bear]

Quit playing semantic games, you texted her multiple times after she asked you to leave her alone.

Click to shrink...

I'm not saying I didn't, but people are making it sound like I was banging on her door begging me to take her back when that's not the case. I didn't "keep pushing" anything. I sent exactly one text that had any substance to it, which I really don't think is such a terrible thing.

 

[msdstc]

I'm not saying I didn't, but people are making it sound like I was banging on her door begging me to take her back when that's not the case. I didn't "keep pushing" anything. I sent exactly one text that had any substance to it, which I really don't think is such a terrible thing.

Click to shrink...

After she had said no... her very first text was to leave her alone. You text her more after that. Any amount is too much at that point.

 

[TheAmazingSpiderMan]

When it comes to married people it's always tricky and should always try avoid as hard as it is, but women do catch feelings quicker than men but when men do, they fall deeper than woman do.

Sorry to hear how hard it is, I can only imagine how it must hurt really now.

 

[Cokie Bear]

given OP's prior history and his actions detailed in this very thread, I find it hard to believe things he tries to justify lmao

Click to shrink...

You're free to believe what you want but I genuinely didn't create this thread looking for sympathy so I've no reason to lie. I've been honest about everything I've posted.