I lost my best friend and the first woman I properly loved

[Nostremitus]

Your whole argument is that if you're in love you automatically know what's best for someone. My whole point is that you can be in love with someone and make the wrong decision because you THINK you (both people in the relationship) know what's best. Your blanket statement is factually incorrect. Somebody in love can absolutely take risks and think they're doing the right thing for that person, but it ultimately backfires, and again it happens all the time.

edit- also enough with the patronizing bullshit. You're not some love guru here, I'm loving the implication that my relationships are broken and someday I'll figure them out.

Click to shrink...

So, yeah, you totally missed the point. I was saying only a person in lust with an entitled sense of ownership would even consider that they know what's best for someone else. You don't get to try to make those decisions for someone else, and if you love then you'd value their autonomy enough to accept their decisions.

 

[Hydrus]

I cant believe I read that whole OP lmao. Dude, you need to write erotic novels.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

How do people find the time to have an affair? By the time I'm done with work and taking care of kids, I barely have enough energy to stay awake until 10.

 

[Cokie Bear]

After she had said no... her very first text was to leave her alone. You text her more after that. Any amount is too much at that point.

Click to shrink...

I don't really disagree but life isn't that easy in practice. I defy anyone to spend a year talking to someone they eventually fall in love with for muiltiple hours every day and just immediately stop texting because they asked you to. I'm not saying that messaging her after that was correct or the best thing to do, but I also believe most people would absolutely just not drop it over night like that. That's very much one of those things that you can say from an armchair and go "yep, the correct move would be to not text her again" but in practice it really isn't that simple when you're knee deep in the situation.

 

[echoshifting]

I'm not saying I didn't, but people are making it sound like I was banging on her door begging me to take her back when that's not the case. I didn't "keep pushing" anything. I sent exactly one text that had any substance to it, which I really don't think is such a terrible thing.

Click to shrink...

Keep minimizing, the fact is she asked you to leave her alone. You didn't respect her wishes at all. You can measure it however you want, I guess. I would measure it differently. The fact that you did that and keep defending it really reveals who you are.

 

[celigio]

You fucked up, she fucked up. Biggest mistake is that you got too attached to someone who was just fooling around and it blind you.

Learn and move on. And talk to a proffessional.

 

[Cokie Bear]

Keep minimizing, the fact is she asked you to leave her alone. You didn't respect her wishes at all. You can measure it however you want, I guess. I would measure it differently.

Click to shrink...

You would understandably so because you weren't in that situation. See my post above yours.

 

[msdstc]

So, yeah, you totally missed the point. I was saying only a person in lust with an entitled sense of ownership would even consider that they know what's best for someone else.

Click to shrink...

Yeah you're thinking of that way too literally. People in love discuss these things and make decisions together where an outside person may think they're crazy for doing so. A person in love believes they can provide happiness to someone and be the best person they can for that person. People in love make irrational decisions all the time. Your statement that if you were in love you wouldn't do x is a broken one that simply doesn't always apply. I'm also not 100% sure you know what lust is if you think my 10 year relationship was still being driven by lust.

 

[Nostremitus]

Yeah you're thinking of that way too literally. People in love discuss these things and make decisions together where an outside person may think they're crazy for doing so. A person in love believes they can provide happiness to someone and be the best person they can for that person. People in love make irrational decisions all the time. Your statement that if you were in love you wouldn't do x is a broken one that simply doesn't always apply. I'm also not 100% sure you know what lust is if you think my 10 year relationship was still being driven by lust.

Click to shrink...

OK dude, keep twisting what I said to be something you can argue against.

 

[echoshifting]

You would understandably so because you weren't in that situation. See my post above yours.

Click to shrink...

Yeah, I'm the guy that got cheated on, actually, in a very similar situation. And I know how destructive those attempts to keep worming your way in can be when the people in the relationship are just trying to repair the damage. Maybe get out of your own head for a change the next time you feel this desperate need to contact her against her wishes.

 

[msdstc]

OK dude, keep twisting what I said to be something you can argue against.

Click to shrink...

My argument remains from the very beginning the same. Your original claim is false. At this point you've twisted your original statement.

 

[Cokie Bear]

Yeah, I'm the guy that got cheated on, actually. And I know how destructive those attempts to keep worming your way in can be when the people in the relationship are just trying to repair the damage. Maybe get out of your own head for a change next time you feel this desperate need to contact her against her wishes.

Click to shrink...

Ok, but what you're saying really has no relevance to what I'm saying. You're saying "you shouldn't have texted her". I'm saying "I know, but when you're in that situation it's not easy to just immediately let it go over night".

Like "those attempts to keep worming your way in" is a narrative you've made up here. I'm not doing anything to try and get her back, as it were. I feel like the situation as a whole is bad enough and there's plenty there to judge me on without needing to try to make things look worse by using loaded language like that. The first two texts I sent were within an hour of her texting me. The third was two days later. You're really exaggerating how bad that specific part of the story is.

 

[mjc]

There is only one person in this story that I have sympathy for and that's the husband.

Click to shrink...

.

Shouldn't have even danced with the idea of messing with her.

 

[Nostremitus]

My argument remains from the very beginning the same. Your original claim is false. At this point you've twisted your original statement.

Click to shrink...

No, you've just refused to accept what I said and have been constantly trying to twist it because you missed the point.

I'm done with this, apparently to you the OP truly loves this woman in a deep, real, healthy way. (Edit: This is intentional sarcasm to show you the way you've been twisting my words by returning the favor.)

 

[thecouncil]

OP, everyone here wishes they could have something as special as you and Sarah had. If getting pics of your married coworker's tits during work hours isn't a sign of true love, I honestly don't know what is anymore.

 

[JediTimeBoy]

You got out of it lucky. The husband knows his wife is partly to blame, but it sounds like he never came after you. Also, be glad that you guys were never intimate; that you never got her pregnant, otherwise things would be a lot worse now.

Learn from this, and move on.

 

[Squarehard]

If you took the time to read all that, then I seriously thank you. I don't need anyone to say anything, I just needed to get everything off my chest to try and start moving on from all this.

Click to shrink...

It appears you're mainly looking for validation of what you did, rather than just getting things off your chest.

Cheating happens, it happens all the time. Even if the actual act of sex never happened, it's not just about the physical, but the mental relationship of the act.

If you were truly trying to get it off your chest, and want to move on, you would start to take more responsibility, rather than only agree with the posts that support you, but instead disagreeing with the posts that bring up points that contradict your beliefs. You spoke about empathy earlier in the thread, yet, you seem to be lacking a lot of it when addressing her situation, and others posting in response to your story. You seem more focused on justification, rather than explanation.

To be honest, you should just take a step back, and stop posting for a bit, and start to think about things rather than look for cookie crumbs of people telling you it was fine.

Obviously it wasn't, and you should really figure it out for now why it wasn't, whether it was on your side, her side, their side, whatever.

Your constant responses in defense of right now just doesn't seem like you're in the right mind to discuss this outside of looking for comfort, rather than reason. While comfort can be useful sometimes, as long as that's the only thing you're looking for, you'll never actually get passed what you wanted to do in the first place, and that is, "moving on from all this".

Take some time to yourself, and get out of this thread at the very least. Block it if you have to. Do other things, think about this on your own. Once you feel you're in a clearer head space, feel free to come back, and read, digest, then respond.

Lastly, people can do terrible things, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I feel you're still fighting very hard to accept this fact, and you should take some more time to think things through, and just reflect for yourself, and put yourself in a better place rather than what you've continued to do in this thread in your responses. The only person you need to defend yourself from right now, is yourself.

 

[msdstc]

No, you've just refused to accept what I said and have been constantly trying to twist it because you missed the point.

I'm done with this, apparently to you the OP truly loves this woman in a deep, real, healthy way. (Edit: This is intentional sarcasm to show you the way you've been twisting my words by returning the favor.)

Click to shrink...

Yeah and again i've said from the start I'm saying your argument is a bullshit blanket statement completely unrelated to OP (who I've stated over and over again was wrong, likely not in love, and clearly infatuated with the rush, taboo, and newness). Your original statement was very simply "you wouldn't try to ruin someones life if you loved them", my response was "people in love absolutely pursue love without realizing it may not be the best decision. People in love are fully capable of idealizing (and often do) a future" You were factually wrong.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

How do people find the time to have an affair?

Click to shrink...

I dunno. Ask my exes.

 

[Cokie Bear]

It appears you're mainly looking for validation of what you did, rather than just getting things off your chest.

Cheating happens, it happens all the time. Even if the actual act of sex never happened, it's not just about the physical, but the mental relationship of the act.

If you were truly trying to get it off your chest, and want to move on, you would start to take more responsibility, rather than only agree with the posts that support you, but disagreeing with the posts that bring up points that contradict your beliefs. You spoke about empathy earlier in the thread, yet, you seem to be lacking a lot of it when addressing her situation, and others posting in response to your story. You seem more focused on justification, rather than explanation.

To be honest, you should just take a step back, and stop posting for a bit, and start to think about things rather than look for cookie crumbs of people telling you it was fine.

Obviously it wasn't, and you should really figure it out for now why it wasn't, whether it was on your side, her side, their side, whatever.

Your constant responses in defense of right now just doesn't seem like you're in the right mind to discuss this outside of looking for comfort, rather than reason. While comfort can be useful sometimes, as long as that's the only thing you're looking for, you'll never actually get passed what you wanted to do in the first place, and that is, "moving on from all this".

Take some time to yourself, and get out of this thread at the very least. Block it if you have to. Do other things, think about this on your own. Once you feel you're in a clearer head space, feel free to come back, and read, digest, then respond.

Lastly, people can do terrible things, but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I feel you're still fighting very hard to accept this fact, and you should take some more time to think things through, and just reflect for yourself, and put yourself in a better place rather than what you've continued to do in this thread in your responses. The only person you need to defend yourself from right now, is yourself.

Click to shrink...

You're absolutely right.

 

[echoshifting]

Ok, but what you're saying really has no relevance to what I'm saying. You're saying "you shouldn't have texted her". I'm saying "I know, but when you're in that situation it's not easy to just immediately let it go over night".

Like "those attempts to keep worming your way in" is a narrative you've made up here. I'm not doing anything to try and get her back, as it were. I feel like the situation as a whole is bad enough and there's plenty there to judge me on without needing to try to make things look worse by using loaded language like that.

Click to shrink...

So the fact that it's not easy makes it okay. You're just trying to justify harassing her by saying well it's hard.

Just for the record your last text to her, which you sent last night, after being asked multiple times to leave her alone, was

I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. I can't just go from messaging you every day and seeing you all the time to losing you completely over night. If you think that trying to work things out with your husband is what's really best for you then I obviously want you to do that, and I I know you don't owe me anything, but I need more closure than that. It's too hard for me to just pretend you don't exist all of a sudden. Please just say anything to me, tell me how you're doing, how your new jobs is. Just something

Click to shrink...

Me me me me. My needs my needs my needs. I mean you're right about one thing, I can't make this look worse than it actually is.

 

[Nostremitus]

Yeah and again i've said from the start I'm saying your argument is a bullshit blanket statement completely unrelated to OP. Your original statement was very simply "you wouldn't try to ruin someones life if you loved them", my response was "people in love absolutely pursue love without realizing it may not be the best decision. People in love are fully capable of idealizing (and often do) a future" You were factually wrong.

Click to shrink...

I was talking specifically about the OP's situation, not a blanket statement about all of mankind, and it's true.

 

[Slipknot666]

As always the moral authority are on force on this one. God forbid you make a mistake, you will be a piece shit and deserve the worst for the rest of your life.

 

[msdstc]

I was talking specifically about the OP's situation, not a blanket statement about all of mankind, and it's true.

Click to shrink...

Your statement was a blanket statement though... I've pointed out that your logic doesn't always apply. In this case yes it does (as pointed out from the start), but you can't just apply that logic to every relationship that's nonsense.

 

[TheJackdog]

you need to see a therapist instead of unloading this shit here.

only victim in this situation is her husband. yall fucked up

 

[the magical kitsune]

The writing was on the wall with her being married with a child. Not going after married people should be a dating 101 rule unless you dont care about other people's feelings and you're willing to take the risk to see it all crash and burn.

Also im sure she is hurting too. Probably way worse than you, considering she is trying to salvage the family you both ruined.

Not much else to say otherwise. You fucked up, but you learn from it, this will pass too.

 

[Nostremitus]

Your statement was a blanket statement though... I've pointed out that your logic doesn't always apply. In this case yes it does (as pointed out from the start), but you can't just apply that logic to every relationship that's nonsense.

Click to shrink...

No, it wasn't. You've just chosen to take it that way and have, for whatever reason, gotten wrapped around the axle on this. I also think you missed the part where I've been in OP's situation and had to learn this lesson myself. I'm trying to help to OP move on but you seem to be stuck on trying to validate his situation. Let people with experience talk, here.

 

[siteseer]

don't be a home wrecker op. you don't want to end up being on the other side, especially with a kid(s) of your own.

 

[msdstc]

No, it wasn't. You've just chosen to take it that way and have, for whatever reason, gotten wrapped around the axle on this. I also think you missed the part where I've been in OP's situation and had to learn this lesson myself. I'm trying to help to OP move on but you seem to be stuck on trying to validate his situation. Let people with experience talk, here.

Click to shrink...

Your statement was if you love someone you wouldn't do x. That is factually an absolutist statement. Do you think you're the only one with life experience or something? You continue to speak from a position of authority. This may be difficult to believe, but many of us (i would wager most of us), have been through relationship struggles and drama.

 

[Deception]

This whole thread is a big yikes but thanks for sharing.

 

[Nostremitus]

Your statement was if you love someone you wouldn't do x. That is factually an absolutist statement. Do you think you're the only one with life experience or something? You continue to speak from a position of authority. This may be difficult to believe, but many of us (i would wager most of us), have been through relationship struggles and drama.

Click to shrink...

So you were in OP's near exact situation?

 

[msdstc]

So you were in OP's near exact situation?

Click to shrink...

Yes absolutely, not the same age range. I've also witnessed this exact situation several times. Hell my sister went through almost step for step the exact same thing with a different result. Again life happens everywhere.

edit- also again, I'm not speaking directly to OPs experience, I'm speaking to your broken ass logic.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

As always the moral authority are on force on this one. God forbid you make a mistake, you will be a piece shit and deserve the worst for the rest of your life.

Click to shrink...

Well, he ruined a marriage and kept contacting the woman after she asked him to stop, but mmhmm.

 

[Prax]

side from the whole infidelity thing, I don't think I've done anything "wrong" in the sense that I haven't done anything to make her angry at me. I think that's the hardest part, those last 2 blunt messages. I can't read tone over text, so I've no idea if she's sad when she's sending them, or angry, or indifferent. I don't know anything. That's what's killing me. I feel like if I knew she was hurting over this too, that would make it easier for me, but in my head I just keep thinking she's angry and me and that makes it impossible to stop thinking about.

Click to shrink...

She is probably angry at you and at herself. You were enabling her (at her infidelity) and she let you enable her.
Just think of her as an alcoholic cutting off her old group because she associates them with her drinking problem. It's for the best. Even if you were all friends and had good times together, it gave her a serious problem in her personal life that she needs to rectify.

Try to be happy for her that she is trying to recover from her mistake and in the future for yourself to be more conscientious of people's situations. Even if it's something they "wanted", you also have to care enough about them to not enable them into doing things that are wrong for them or would make their own lives more difficult.

 

[Zarathustra]

I'd echo what others said and suggest the OP asks for the thread to be deleted and to speak to a professional. There's obviously lots of people on this forum who have been cheated on or who have felt the waves of such an act, that they will attack the OP as much as they can.

 

[BarryFishFinger]

Well it's good that he has people like you to sit here in judgment, having never made any mistakes in your life at all. This definitely doesn't read like you just getting off on the moral outrage and little else.

"Sarah isn't here to yell at, but I've just got to be a morally grandstanding ass to *somebody*"

Click to shrink...

Pfft, this is hardly an understandable mistake that the OP regrets and he is getting unfairly dogpiled is it? Come on now. This isn't a 'WHOOPS' moment, shoulder shrug, we've all been there type thing is it.

OP actively pursued a married woman, with a family, and fully aware of his actions engaged in an affair with her for what, a year? Unless I've misread the timescales. Now he's all sad and doe eyed and "Guys I'm saaaad we connected" because it all came crashing down, as these things always do and the fallout will be felt by a lot more people than the OP.

Call it moral grandstanding if you like, but OP put it all out there for comment and I'll judge him harshly for his part in the whole sorry saga as it goes against everything I believe in regarding relationships and trust and honesty. The attitude in his OP irritates me, the responses irritate me, the whole shitty situation irritates me.

As an aside, I haven't seen anywhere why the OP thinks they had some deep connection and yet they never had sex despite doing everything but.

 

[msdstc]

I'd echo what others said and suggest the OP asks for the thread to be deleted and to speak to a professional. There's obviously lots of people on this forum who have been cheated on or who have felt the waves of such an act, that they will attack the OP as much as they can.

Click to shrink...

While I've been cheated on and it sucks, I don't think it's something you need to experience firsthand to know it's wrong.

 

[Nostremitus]

Yes absolutely, not the same age range. I've also witnessed this exact situation several times. Hell my sister went through almost step for step the exact same thing with a different result. Again life happens everywhere.

Click to shrink...

Then you didn't learn the lesson well enough, is all I can say. What OP did was rooted in selfishness, not love.

 

[msdstc]

Then you didn't learn the lesson well enough, is all I can say. What OP did was selfish, not love.

Click to shrink...

The IRONY WOW. I've said over and over, in roughly 5 posts directed at you the OP was edit 100% to make this clear not in love.

 

[BossAttack]

There is only one person in this story that I have sympathy for and that's the husband.

Click to shrink...

This x100.

 

[ElectricBlanketFire]

I'd echo what others said and suggest the OP asks for the thread to be deleted and to speak to a professional. There's obviously lots of people on this forum who have been cheated on or who have felt the waves of such an act, that they will attack the OP as much as they can.

Click to shrink...

He chose to post the thread and people are going to respond. You don't have to have been cheated on to feel strongly about it.

 

[msdstc]

This x100.

Click to shrink...

The child deserves plenty of sympathy as well.

 

[Nostremitus]

The IRONY WOW. I've said over and over, in roughly 5 posts directed at you the OP was edit 100% to make this clear not in love.

Click to shrink...

So you're just arguing for the sake of arguing, good to know.

 

[Zarathustra]

While I've been cheated on and it sucks, I don't think it's something you need to experience firsthand to know it's wrong.

Click to shrink...

Sure, but nothing right now will make it right. The OP simply needs to stop posting. The reason he keeps posting is because he finally has an outlet after a year of keeping it all within. It's best to speak to someone who knows what to tell them and will not judge him, instead of strangers on the internet who have never done anything wrong in their lives (or who really want to blame someone so that they feel better with themselves).

 

[msdstc]

So you're just arguing for the sake of arguing, good to know.

Click to shrink...

Nope I'm arguing because you made a blanket statement with broken logic. I said your argument was broken. I've argued my point you choose to ignore it.

 

[Amnixia]

Well, he ruined a marriage and kept contacting the woman after she asked him to stop, but mmhmm.

Click to shrink...

She ruined her marriage, if it wasn't the OP she would have found someone else.

OP realized his relationship wasn't working and broke up his relationship like a normal person should.

Trying to get her on the phone and other texts after she explained she was gonna try and fix her marriage is messed up though. No means no.

 

[Nostremitus]

Nope I'm arguing because you made a blanket statement with broken logic. I said your argument was broken. I've argued my point you choose to ignore it.

Click to shrink...

You're choosing to take something said about this specific situation and stretch it out into a blanket statement just to have something to argue about.

 

[msdstc]

Sure, but nothing right now will make it right. The OP simply needs to stop posting. The reason he keeps posting is because he finally has an outlet after a year of keeping it all within. It's best to speak to someone who knows what to tell them and will not judge him, instead of strangers on the internet who have never done anything wrong in their lives (or who really want to blame someone so that they feel better with themselves).

Click to shrink...

I mean agreed to an extent, but to say people who have been cheated on will attack him is kinda selling it short. You don't have to be directly affected or have experienced something to comment on a situation.

 

[msdstc]

You're choosing to take something said about this specific situation and stretch it out into a blanket statement just to have something to argue about.

Click to shrink...

"you can't be in love if you do x" is a blanket statement.

 

[Yoshichan]

OP check your PM please.