I love this girl but I don’t know how to tell her

[Kittens McMittens]

No it isn't. Lmao. We are talking about a crush, for fuck's sake. A crush. That's it. The OP has never been romantically involved with this person and is merely fantasizing. The relationship could be horrible. He may find her unpleasant in many ways. It's 21-year-old emo crush bullshit. Losing a friendship over that? For what? So you can feel great about both being rejected AND losing a supposed best friend?

Click to shrink...

I mean, the scale is kind of irrelevant. I said he should be prepared to lose the friendship, like, it could be that he asks her out, gets rejected, and it's fine and they are friends. He might also find that he still has a crush on her and can't get over it straight away, in which case it's not a good idea to try and stay friends. The point is that it's better to be open about how you feel, and then go on from there.

 

[Dizastah]

Don't tell her you love her yet.........but there are ways to show her that you really care about her. Just ask her on a date and play your cards right. See if she would like to date more often. Just let it happen. And if it doesn't, don't be a weirdo

 

[Sir Hound]

Under no circumstances do you tell her this. You've known her since you were 8, you want to change the parameters of the relationship substantially. Which means to be successful you have to bring her round to the idea of you being a potential romantic interest. So you mark a date on a calendar, say a few months, after which you drop this entirely and stay friends forever or start detaching if you can't handle that.

In those months you do what you would do with any other girl - light flirting, ask her on a date, etc. ie slowly restablishing the nature of the relationship. I say a few months cuz ultimately you are reestablishing rather than establishing, this is always harder. But ultimately if you're not getting anywhere or she doesn't reciprocate through these steps, you need a point where you stop and move on.

 

[DarkChronic]

OP there will be two outcomes:

1. She feels the same way, you pursue a relationship.

2. The more likely scenario: She doesn't feel the same way and you risk ruining your friendship.

You need to straight up ask her out to dinner one night. Don't "share" your feelings. Just ask her out. But if she declines, you need to accept that the friendship is most likely over. I can absolutely guarantee you that trying to remain friends with her will kill you inside even more. It'll drive you crazy.

 

[Deleted member 21339]

Listen to Otto

 

[bxsonic]

You could always tell her that you are attracted to another girl. If she is bothered by it, then you know how she feels?

 

[FlashbladeERA]

In those months you do what you would do with any other girl - light flirting, ask her on a date, etc. ie slowly restablishing the nature of the relationship. I say a few months cuz ultimately you are reestablishing rather than establishing, this is always harder. But ultimately if you're not getting anywhere or she doesn't reciprocate through these steps, you need a point where you stop and move on.

Click to shrink...

Came in here to post this.

you have to warm her up to the idea of even considering you as an option.

Flirt, ask her out on a date, throw out subtle hints/feelers, basically talk to her like someone you are interested in, and then make your move after some time and obvious signs that she is also in to you.

This isnt a movie so grand gestures will only scare her if she hasnt made it obvious she likes you in return.

 

[NameUser]

Honestly, after being around her for so long you should know of you have a chance or not. Like, do you two ever talk about relationships like normal best friends?

 

[Landy828]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

Is that a meme?

Guess you have to decide if you value her friendship more than losing her completely OP? She would have most likely given you some hints of interest at some point.

There's a big difference in the interest of those that want to be your friend vs being more than that. Hard to give advice on these things without interacting with those involved.

 

[Bad_Boy]

Never tell her first dude.

 

[Jindrax]

OP don't go and announce your feelings you're not 12.

Instead take her out on a date. Just ask her to go get drinks, then dinner a next time, then a movie, whatever.

You gotta reframe your relationship.

 

[Buddy]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

No... just no.

If she doesn't like you for what you are then she is not the right girl for you.

 

[Deleted member 16657]

I think that either way, you will have to tell her your feelings. Its not healthy to try to bury those feelings.

You need to show yourself in a new light to her. Take her out on a date and clearly express how you feel. After that, give her space (IMPORTANT: DO NOT PROPOSE 200 TIMES) and wait for her.

I don't think a 13 year long friendship will fall apart over this. Worst comes to worst, you guys spend some time apart and after you move on you can be friends again. Best outcome is her being into you. Either way you get it off your chest.

 

[Yataran]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

I'm sorry for being a bit blunt, but this doesn't sound like good advice to me.

Two actual options:

1) Say something and potentially strain a long term friendship. At least the guy will get it out of the system... But I'm afraid that the consequences of the potential rejection may be veeeery tough for him. In these cases there's usually a lot of fantasising in the guy's head, and the "saying something" does not usually work out the way one is going. So much hype. Meanwhile, the girl's head is working on a completely different level... I know. I've been there.

2) Keep the friend and look for a partner in other pastures. Rejections from people you don't really know that well don't hurt that much. You gain valuable experience and, who knows, you may actually find some amazing people that you could never imagine were out there.

 

[Deleted member 41520]

So my story begins when i was 8, i moved to a school where my mother was teacher there, Her friend's daughter was also studding there. Well me and that girl became friends since then. Even now we study in same college. Now we're 21, still best friends.
The main point is, i recently realized how much i love her. She's the most beautiful girl in the world and she gets prettier day by day. I just can't stop thinking of her. When i see her i can't stop smiling...
I absolutely love her.
But the problem is I don't know how to tell her that. She's literally in friend zone now and I don't think i can change that.
I'm afraid if i tell her she says no and that'd make things awkward i mean we can't be like before after that.
The whole thing is killing me inside.

So i'm asking you guys to help me, how should i tell her? Should i even tell her?!!
Help me ResetEra, you're my only hope.

Click to shrink...

I've been in this exact situation.

Here is precisely what you do:

Tell her honestly that you like her too much and that she probably doesn't feel the same, so for your mental health you have to stop speaking to her for a while.

She is not going to reciprocate. You are never going to have her. She sees you like a brother, probably.

What you have to do is cut off connection. Cut her out of your life entirely - for at least a few months or a few years.

And doing that without saying anything would be pretty rude. So simply find/make an opportunity to tell her (go for a walk in a park, watch a movie and bring it up after or something), etc. Don't be afraid of her - I'm sure she's lovely and will not have a negative thought about you. But you need to tell her you're going to distance yourself a bit.

This is the only way. If you do anything else you will regret it.

 

[TooBusyLookinGud]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

What did I just read?

I haven't been in a serious relationship but she once asked me if i wanted her to set me up with her friends.

Click to shrink...

How long ago was this? Has she been in a relationship?

 

[Indy in the Fridge]

I've been in this exact situation.

Here is precisely what you do:

Tell her honestly that you like her too much and that she probably doesn't feel the same, so for your mental health you have to stop speaking to her for a while.

She is not going to reciprocate. You are never going to have her. She sees you like a brother, probably.

What you have to do is cut off connection. Cut her out of your life entirely - for at least a few months or a few years.

And doing that without saying anything would be pretty rude. So simply find/make an opportunity to tell her (go for a walk in a park, watch a movie and bring it up after or something), etc. Don't be afraid of her - I'm sure she's lovely and will not have a negative thought about you. But you need to tell her you're going to distance yourself a bit.

This is the only way. If you do anything else you will regret it.

Click to shrink...

My god, is this the sort of relationship advice people follow? He has a crush on this girl so he must commit relationship harakiri? You are suggesting that OP indirectly place the dissolving of the friendship on her and her assumed inability to return his affection? For fuck's sake...

OP, I don't have advice for you other than to think hard on how you've interacted with this person for 13 years and decide what is an appropriate way to approach her. Don't burden yourself with expectations. Don't think you have to risk the friendship, either. Understand what the outcomes could be and accept that there are other women out there and that your friend does not have to be "the one."

 

[Kinggroin]

Approach delicately and be like, "yo let me get that, son"

 

[Fart Master]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

Lol

 

[Lulu]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

This is kinda cringe bro.

Anyway, ask her on a date. No is trying to have verbal diarrhea love confessions shitted on them.

 

[Deleted member 13328]

You've known this person for 13 years, if she had any other intentions than being your friend it would have happened by now.

 

[NervousXtian]

BTW, you do realize that almost certainly she'll meet someone and get involved and you're friendship will basically be reduced to nothing.

People saying you'll ruin the relationship are missing the point, you'll probably lose the relationship anyhow.

Don't go straight to "I Love You". Just start with, "hey, ever thought about what it'd be like if we were a couple?"

 

[deathsaber]

I wouldn't just up and declare my eternal undying love for her (don't want to lay it on too thick), but If you feel there is chance anything mutual at all, just tell her honestly that you have feelings for her, and were curious to see if there was anything mutual and if that is the case, see would she like to go on an actual date. I would also express your concerns about your friendship and that you would hate to undermine it and would understand if the feelings aren't mutual, and would totally back off if that's the case.

You may get an answer you like, you might not... but at least you tried, and get some peace on the matter, and just be prepared either way. If its doesn't go your way, it might be a little awkward at first, but if you are casual and cool about it (and don't come off like an obsessive lovelorn loser), the friendship should be ok. and if you don't get the answer you like, its the oldest cliché, but there truly are plenty of fish..

 

[Jasup]

Ok OP, think what you're thinking of doing.
Basically if you're just bluntly confessing your "love", you're just putting her on the spot. It's basically just asking if she's willing to commit herself to you right then and there without any warning. Even if she has toyed with the idea herself just asking to go from 0 to 100 is bad, it's a bit threatening to be honest.

And I'm certain this shouldn't be called love but a crush, like many others have said. I've been there, many of us have. If you want to proceed, take it slowly and make sure she is and feels safe around you - even if she wasn't interested.

 

[Mauricio_Magus]

As an old dude with dating experience, don't go I LOVEEE YOUUU or some stupid shit like that.

Be chill about it and ask them out, if they ask you why say that you are searching for a partner and that she's always been a good friend so why not?

If they say no then RIP that's life but at least you won't regret it.

Something like that.

 

[GodofWine]

20 years ago I was in a similar situation at OP's exact age (Im old, yes...but married and stuff, so I managed to move on, as will everyone).

Was in this weird friend zone, but there was some tension...it was really f'd up, totally still think we both were too scared to lose the friendship (which still exists, but like any 40 year old, we rarely cross paths due to normal lives - and when we do its clear we both turned out just fine with other people). I actually was gonna tell her...like I knew she was home on a certain day, and I actually called out of work sick, and was gonna see if she wanted to hang out like a normal thing, maybe hit some tennis balls, as we'd do now and then, and I'd take my shot, and let her know, probably in a god awful clumsy way...and I was freaking out..and I called her..AND SHE WASN"T HOME...I made the freaking call!! I was gonna do this!..that night, we met in our usual group of friends at our usual happy hour spot...and she brought some new guy along (who turned out to be an asshole eventually)..I got REAL DRUNK that night.

So what am I saying...I dunno...for a long time I wish I told her..but I never did..but a lifetime later it really didn't matter - there are A LOT of people in your future when you are 21.

 

[Moff]

this is not a healthy friendship and it will get worse over time for everyone involved. you should tell her about your honest intentions with her and if she does not share the same feelings you should look for someone else.

btw. she already knows

 

[Tophat Jones]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

Click to shrink...

 

[RROCKMAN]

I was at the same boat as you the only minor difference was that she was married.

Long story short; she cheated her husband with me and now they are divorced and our friendship is lost forever.

Click to shrink...

I dont think this is a minor difference bruv

 

[Odesu]

The whole "tell her your feelings" is awful, awful advice. That's basically a cold opening. Its weak, doesn't inspire any kind of attraction towards you and just leaves you wide open to get shut down. You don't tell them how you feel about them until you've already firmly cemented a romantic relationship.

The best approach is to continue to be around her and flirt with her. Don't verbalize your feelings. She'll either reciprocate or give you some fairly obvious clues that she's not interested, such as not flirting back. It will spare you both the awkwardness of a full on, spoken rejection.

Click to shrink...

This is some terrible "Alpha-Males don't show their feelings, Females hate that!"-level advice.

 

[nitewulf]

You should basically just tell her, but being that you are only 21 years old, I don't see it lasting very long even if it works. But even for a few months or whatever, if she likes you as well, it should be fun and good. Also feelings based on looks are obviously very surface level, no matter how deep they might seem.

 

[Uncle0wnage]

Just ask her out on a date. Be clear it is a romantic date. Accept the consequences.

 

[nitewulf]

I've been in this exact situation.

Here is precisely what you do:

Tell her honestly that you like her too much and that she probably doesn't feel the same, so for your mental health you have to stop speaking to her for a while.

She is not going to reciprocate. You are never going to have her. She sees you like a brother, probably.

What you have to do is cut off connection. Cut her out of your life entirely - for at least a few months or a few years.

And doing that without saying anything would be pretty rude. So simply find/make an opportunity to tell her (go for a walk in a park, watch a movie and bring it up after or something), etc. Don't be afraid of her - I'm sure she's lovely and will not have a negative thought about you. But you need to tell her you're going to distance yourself a bit.

This is the only way. If you do anything else you will regret it.

Click to shrink...

That's dumb....why lose a good friend? Not her fault if she isn't into you.

 

[nitewulf]

Also OP, I would highly suggest taking the option about being setup with one of her friends...I'm sure you've met them already, mention one that you find cute/attractive. You never know dude.

 

[Gouty]

This is some terrible "Alpha-Males don't show their feelings, Females hate that!"-level advice.

Click to shrink...

I don't agree with this either. It's a recipe for agony. The thing with flirting is sometimes people flirt back even if they're not serious.

Click to shrink...

Nope. Its tell them how you feel eventually, common sense advice.

 

[Deleted member 47843]

That's dumb....why lose a good friend? Not her fault if she isn't into you.

Click to shrink...

It's hard for some people to remain friends with someone they have strong romantic feelings for. It can lead to/worsen depression etc as it's just a constant reminder of what they can't have, worsens loneliness etc. It can also be hard for the other party sometimes to stay as close friends with someone they now know is attracted to them and has strong feelings toward them.

Just a matter of person to person and situation to situation on whether someone can just shrug off the rejection and be happy staying friends. I'm not optimistic the OP can given how long he's had these feelings, lack of relationship experience etc. No idea on how the other party would react in terms of wanting to stay friends if they're not interested (which is likely the case as friendships that were going to turn romantic generally would have already over such a long period of time).

 

[GravaGravity]

Yeesh, just tell her and be casual about it.

Once it's out there, whatever the outcome, you'll probably stop idolizing her and the idea of being her boyfriend.
"I've kinda developed feelings for you" isn't a death sentence for your friendship unless you come on too strong and make her feel uncomfortable; do it and you can both move on from it, as long as you don't make things awkward in the aftermath.

I know first loves are hard, but if you deal with it now things like this won't cause as many hangups in the future.

 

[Deleted member 9932]

That's a lot of years bro. Best course of action is, always, normalization. Last thing people want is others to bring them their own problems, so this whole gigantic infatuation you have over her, the melodramatism, the I can't stop thinking about you, nope. Ask her on a date, try to be normal with her, don't put this girl on a weird pedestal, and assess if there's anything in there.

 

[HyperFerret]

As someone who is dating her best friend, it only works out if you both are invested in it becoming romantic. The only way to know is to ask.

There are a lot of benefits to dating a friend, you tend to have similar interests and the initial relationship is already founded on trust and comfort. But a lot of people cannot fathom still maintaining the same feeling of friendship while dating and it takes a certain kind of mindset, but it is very fun.

Worse case scenario, you lose the friendship.

Best case scenario, you'll get an amazing partner who already understands who you are.

The friend zone doesn't exist.

 

[Hektor]

https://www.resetera.com/threads/ja...u-if-you’re-too-shy-to-do-it-yourself.100618/

 

[Harry Potter Obama]

https://www.resetera.com/threads/japanese-company-will-ask-your-crush-out-on-a-date-for-you-if-you're-too-shy-to-do-it-yourself.100618/

Click to shrink...

Damn it I JUST came in here to post that!

 

[I Don't Like]

1. Stop telling this guy to ask her on a fucking date. No reciprocation for 13 years. She doesn't want to go on a fucking date.

2. Stop treating him like he's the most fragile human being on earth and simply won't survive sucking up the fact that she doesn't feel the same way and keeping those feelings to himself and getting over them.

3. Spilling his feelings as a way to somehow make himself feel better is selfish and not being a good friend. It's self-serving, at best; at worst it's delusional, fantasy-stroking fucking nonsense.

Some of you I really don't get. You make the connection about the disparity in how these two people feel about each other and you STILL tell him to put her in a shitty position by asking her on a date. Lmao. What the hell?

This could absolutely doom the friendship or at least make it awkward, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Horrible fucking advice.

 

[Hydrus]

I was in the complete opposite situation as you OP. A friend of 6 years got divorced and developed feelings for me. When I made it known to her that I just wanted to be friends, she continued to try and be more than friends. I tried to brush it off as a little crush/ post divorce rebound and tried just to go back to just being friends, but she couldn't accept it. Our friendship deteriorated and we don't really speak anymore. If she would've just accepted it in the beginning, we would still be friends to this day. Tell her how you feel OP, but be an adult and accept it if she doesn't feel the same way.

 

[I Don't Like]

I was in the complete opposite situation as you OP. A friend of 6 years got divorced and developed feelings for me. When I made it known to her that I just wanted to be friends, she continued to try and be more than friends. I tried to brush it off as a little crush/ post divorce rebound and tried just to go back to just being friends, but she couldn't accept it. Our friendship deteriorated and we don't really speak anymore. If she would've just accepted it in the beginning, we would still be friends to this day. Tell her how you feel OP, but be an adult and accept it if she doesn't feel the same way.

Click to shrink...

Being an adult would be pursuing other girls since this person clearly doesn't feel the same way, not unloading his fantasy of being together onto her. You know full well at that point it's just a sad attempt to see if maybe it'll pressure her to "give him a chance" or some shit. It's unreasonable, irrational and completely not an adult thing to do. Also not a good thing to do as a friend.

Like how the hell are we still talking about "if" she doesn't feel the same way?

We read the same OP right? She doesn't feel the same way. Obviously she doesn't. There is no "if" here.

OP needs to go find another girl who actually shares his feelings and continue being a good friend. Instead you guys keep giving him advice that will get him rejected AND potentially end the friendship.

 

[AlecKoKuTan]

She's the most beautiful girl in the world and she gets prettier day by day. I just can't stop thinking of her. When i see her i can't stop smiling...

Click to shrink...

Just show her, don't say it. When two people feel each other, are close, words aren't really necessary. The chemistry is also magnetic. That said--don't get upset and burn bridges if she doesn't feel the same as you do or play NC in Hope's she'll miss you. Sadly, I'm saying all this from experience lol

 

[Hydrus]

Being an adult would be pursuing other girls since this person clearly doesn't feel the same way, not unloading his fantasy of being together onto her. You know full well at that point it's just a sad attempt to see if maybe it'll pressure her to "give him a chance" or some shit. It's unreasonable, irrational and completely not an adult thing to do. Also not a good thing to do as a friend.

Like how the hell are we still talking about "if" she doesn't feel the same way?

We read the same OP right? She doesn't feel the same way. Obviously she doesn't. There is no "if" here.

OP needs to go find another girl who actually shares his feelings and continue being a good friend. Instead you guys keep giving him advice that will get him rejected AND potentially end the friendship.

Click to shrink...

How exactly does the op know if he never told her how he feels or asked if she feels the same way? The whole "friend zone" thing sounds like it can easlliy be OP's doing.

" Don't tell her OP. Accept that she will absolutely reject you." What kind of crap advice is that? It's no wonder so many people on era feel lonely. If you have fear of rejection, you'll never find happiness in life. They're adults, not children. If they are truly best friends then things will work itself out, as long as OP is willing to accept what ever the outcome is.

 

[Legend of Aims]

Your best advice from page 1

Is she single? If she is, just go out for coffee or dinner or whatever the hell it is you guys do. FFS she is a friend of 13 years, it shouldn't be hard to express your feelings. Just tell her:
" I respect our friendship of 14 years, but I started realizing lately that maybe we should try to be something more. If you Don't want to or feel the same and are afraid of ruining our friendship, I am too so lets take the risk together because even if it goes south we can always be friends."

If my suggestion sounds alien to you or too pedestrian or perhaps even stepping over boundaries, then perhaps you aren't the friends you should be at 13 years and should start evaluating things.

Click to shrink...

 

[AlecKoKuTan]

I've been in this exact situation.

Here is precisely what you do:

Tell her honestly that you like her too much and that she probably doesn't feel the same, so for your mental health you have to stop speaking to her for a while.

She is not going to reciprocate. You are never going to have her. She sees you like a brother, probably.

What you have to do is cut off connection. Cut her out of your life entirely - for at least a few months or a few years.

And doing that without saying anything would be pretty rude. So simply find/make an opportunity to tell her (go for a walk in a park, watch a movie and bring it up after or something), etc. Don't be afraid of her - I'm sure she's lovely and will not have a negative thought about you. But you need to tell her you're going to distance yourself a bit.

This is the only way. If you do anything else you will regret it.

Click to shrink...

Ehhhh, or self development + a little exposure to broaden the dating pool = you get over it and keep a friend.

Edit: he should still tell her, if she kicks him to the curb or he cant handle rejection then it wasn't meant to be

 

[LastCaress]

Everyone acting like every girl is the same, weird. We don't know her, you do. Ask her out, be clear that it's a date, and if she says no, move on.

 

[I Don't Like]

How exactly does the op know if he never told her how he feels or asked if she feels the same way? The whole "friend zone" thing sounds like it can easlliy be OP's doing.

" Don't tell her OP. Accept that she will absolutely reject you." What kind of crap advice is that? It's no wonder so many people on era feel lonely. If you have fear of rejection, you'll never find happiness in life. They're adults, not children. If they are truly best friends then things while work itself out, as long as OP is willing to accept what ever the outcome is.

Click to shrink...

It has been 13 years. I feel like this isn't registering with some of you. In that time, they have never been anything but friends. Based on what he says she has never displayed a romantic interest in him. She has suggested hooking him up with someone else. How many flags do we need here?

That's how he knows. He knows because of 13 years of interacting with a supposed "best friend." It's actually quite simple. Some of you are acting like if the girl never specifically states, "No, I don't feel about you that way" then, well, who can possibly know? Really?

You are treating a fear of rejection in a scenario where there may be a plausible reason to share your feelings because you think the other person feels the same as this scenario. They are not even remotely the same and it's disingenuous to act like they are.

Oh no, he's lonely. He's 21. He can go get other girls. Stroking this infatuation with a friend who hasn't reciprocated for 13 years is the real "crap advice." Absolutely horrible advice. Delusional, clueless and essentially ignores everything he has told us in favor of a fantasy.