I love this girl but I don’t know how to tell her

[Lozjam]

1. Stop telling this guy to ask her on a fucking date. No reciprocation for 13 years. She doesn't want to go on a fucking date.

2. Stop treating him like he's the most fragile human being on earth and simply won't survive sucking up the fact that she doesn't feel the same way and keeping those feelings to himself and getting over them.

3. Spilling his feelings as a way to somehow make himself feel better is selfish and not being a good friend. It's self-serving, at best; at worst it's delusional, fantasy-stroking fucking nonsense.

Some of you I really don't get. You make the connection about the disparity in how these two people feel about each other and you STILL tell him to put her in a shitty position by asking her on a date. Lmao. What the hell?

This could absolutely doom the friendship or at least make it awkward, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Horrible fucking advice.

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Dude, no matter what OP is going to have feelings. He needs to let it out.

This whole thing about men not being able to properly share their feelings is the root of the cause of toxic masculinity. OP not talking about his feelings with this girl is both going to make him more possessive, and it's going to cause even more problems down the line in their friendship. The right thing to do is to just come clean and just state how you feel. It will provide closure for OP, and for his friend.

If the friendship doesn't last, then fine. It's way better than OP hanging on to her in the hopes that they can be together for the rest of his life. But odds are, as long as he just tells her the truth, and accepts whatever decision she makes. The friendship will be fine.

And who knows, the girl might like him. You don't know her, and friendships can make a very easy relationship.

My girlfriend used to be my best friend. She is absolutely the love of my life, and we have been together for over 2 years(I actually plan on proposing soon). The funny part was, we both laid it on each other pretty thick that we didn't want to date. I guess we both were too afraid of rejection and ruining the friendship. We dug our heels in even though it was clear that we loved each other very much. Eventually we kind of came to our senses and we took that plunge together. We have been really happy together ever since.

Though one thing is clear. The most important thing for a healthy relationship, whether it is with just a friend or SO is honesty. So OP, really, just be honest with her. Don't play games, or make an elaborate plan or scheme. Just tell her what you feel, and also respect how she feels. If that doesn't happen, then your relationship wouod have ended anyway. Just be honest.

 

[Rand a. Thor]

Your best advice from page 1

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If my advice was the best in this thread, then this forum is absolutely fucked. I mean its not bad, but its far from great.

 

[Wackamole]

Good luck man. I hope she feels the same way about you.
If she doesn't, don't become an obsessed weirdo.

Just tell her in all honesty that your feelings for her have become stronger and you've been thinking how it would be if you and her would become more than just friends. It probably either means the beginning of a relationship or the end of a friendship. Realistically that's how it often works.

 

[I Don't Like]

Dude, no matter what OP is going to have feelings. He needs to let it out.

This whole thing about men not being able to properly share their feelings is the root of the cause of toxic masculinity. OP not talking about his feelings with this girl is both going to make him more possessive, and it's going to cause even more problems down the line in their friendship. The right thing to do is to just come clean and just state how you feel. It will provide closure for OP, and for his friend.

If the friendship doesn't last, then fine. It's way better than OP hanging on to her in the hopes that they can be together for the rest of his life. But odds are, as long as he just tells her the truth, and accepts whatever decision she makes. The friendship will be fine.

And who knows, the girl might like him. You don't know her, and friendships can make a very easy relationship.

My girlfriend used to be my best friend. She is absolutely the love of my life, and we have been together for over 2 years(I actually plan on proposing soon). The funny part was, we both laid it on each other pretty thick that we didn't want to date. I guess we both were too afraid of rejection and ruining the friendship. We dug our heels in even though it was clear that we loved each other very much. Eventually we kind of came to our senses and we took that plunge together. We have been really happy together ever since.

Though one thing is clear. The most important thing for a healthy relationship, whether it is with just a friend or SO is honesty. So OP, really, just be honest with her. Don't play games, or make an elaborate plan or scheme. Just tell her what you feel, and also respect how she feels. If that doesn't happen, then your relationship wouod have ended anyway. Just be honest.

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He can let it out. He can talk to his friends about it, maybe even talk to her friends. Not spill everything but be a bit more subtle about it and see what they say.

Simply telling her everything is not the only option here and it's definitely not the best option merely because he's "being honest." And I don't think this falls into the realm of suppressing emotions and not talking about things, which of course can be a problem. Ultimately we are talking about an infatuation with someone who by all accounts doesn't feel the same way. Oh and they're 21 years old. This isn't something truly serious in the grand scheme of things and he will certainly get over it.

Knowing when to divulge those kinds of feelings and when not to is kind of important in learning to interact with other people. Processing his feelings and figuring out ways to accept his role as a friend, at least for now, is perfectly doable, the reasonable approach at this time based on what he has told us and doesn't require holding everything in and sitting around moping about it unless that's what he decides to do. It's going to require effort and it's going to suck for a bit but he'll survive. Who knows, maybe she will change her feelings for him and it'll all work out like he wants. Telling her he's in love with her at this point in time will definitely not magically cause that to happen and by every objective measure it'll likely screw up the friendship, all because a dude couldn't put his crush in perspective.

 

[takriel]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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umm...

 

[Tokio Blues]

Ask her out for a drink, take her out to a nice place. If you like sushi & wine, it's always a good start. Drink a lot, be funny, you will know when the time is correct. Don't kiss her and please don't say "I LOVE YOU". Just act naturally. Ask questions about her personal life, the boys she likes. If she is in love with you, you will know. BUT PLEASE DON'T GO AND SAY "I LOVE YOU". You will ruin everything.


Act like if you were trying to be with the girl, but in this case you know her for a long long time. Be a good guy, always

 

[Khamsinvera]

OP, you need to ask yourself the question "am I willing to sacrifice my friendship for a shot at a relationship with her?"

If I were you, yes - otherwise you're gonna suffer thru a friendship that you want more of - but never gonna get.

Just do it, OP

If it doesn't work out, at least you tried.

 

[logan_cadfgs]

Lots of different approaches here, but the common thread seems to be this: You GOTTA let her, one way or another.

If you keep that shit pent up, it's gonna kill you. You'll stew over it, and it'll be torture. Peoples' minds have this weird way of turning tiny little nothings into huge, hulking stress monsters, eventually distorting your perception of the situation and ultimately affecting your ability to think and act rationally.

... Okay, by "peoples' minds", I really mean mine. I can only speak from personal experiences from my late teens to early twenties, after all! That shit used to eat away at me something fierce. If that sounds relatable to you, then definitely do SOMEthing, rather than try to ride it out.

... I guess that isn't really much for advice, but that's all I got, sorry 😅

 

[Tokio Blues]

Also saying "I love you", it wont help. Love doesn't work like that because if she isn't in love with you, you will be totally lost and you won't have another chance. So you have to play it safe, you have to make everything possible to make her love you. And how do you that? Only you have the answer, you know her for about 15 years.

 

[Tokio Blues]

Also, I recommend you seeing the 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I lived the same thing with a girl I knew when I was 15 (she was my first love). 10 years later, when I was 25, we saw each other in restaurante by casualty and we started seeing each other .I thought she was the love of my life. We were together for about 2 years then we broke up. I don't know if it was a good decision, but I think now, with 28 years old, that she wasn't' the love of my life. But can't confirm this.

 

[Elderly Parrot]

Wow you can tell the people really invested in this are projecting. Like it's Impossible to gauge the entire story from one or two paragraphs Unless you fill in the blanks with your own baggage

 

[Deleted member 8861]

Happened to me last year. Just cherished the feeling, realized she doesn't reciprocate at all, let it fizzle out. Still friends, and far as I know, she's unaware.

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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sooooo when's the restraining order coming in

 

[Deleted member 41520]

That's dumb....why lose a good friend? Not her fault if she isn't into you.

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Ehhhh, or self development + a little exposure to broaden the dating pool = you get over it and keep a friend.

Edit: he should still tell her, if she kicks him to the curb or he cant handle rejection then it wasn't meant to be

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I neglected to add in that post that doing this just gives you a break from her so that you can come back better and be actual friends. It didnt mean cut off contact forever, I meant take a break for your mental health and so you don't fuck your relationship with her.

 

[SugarNoodles]

 

[carlsojo]

Don't tell her and meet new people. I'm 99% sure you don't love this person and are just projecting all this stuff on a close friend.

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All of this lol.

 

[Lulu]

Just ask her out on a date. Be clear it is a romantic date. Accept the consequences.

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1. Stop telling this guy to ask her on a fucking date. No reciprocation for 13 years. She doesn't want to go on a fucking date.

2. Stop treating him like he's the most fragile human being on earth and simply won't survive sucking up the fact that she doesn't feel the same way and keeping those feelings to himself and getting over them.

3. Spilling his feelings as a way to somehow make himself feel better is selfish and not being a good friend. It's self-serving, at best; at worst it's delusional, fantasy-stroking fucking nonsense.

Some of you I really don't get. You make the connection about the disparity in how these two people feel about each other and you STILL tell him to put her in a shitty position by asking her on a date. Lmao. What the hell?

This could absolutely doom the friendship or at least make it awkward, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Horrible fucking advice.

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He's obviously never expressed any romantic interest so what the fuck was their to reciprocate? People can just be friends and for the majority of that time this what he felt. If he ask her on a date he'll literally get every answer he knows without turning this into some awkward confession of love. No one likes that shit, she doesn't wanna hear that regardless and is definitely much more damaging than her saying no to a date and suggest remaining friends.

 

[FantasticMrFoxdie]

Has this really been building up for 15+ years or have you had relationships in between OP?

Help me ResetEra, you're my only hope.

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you're welcome

 

[I Don't Like]

He's obviously never expressed any romantic interest so what the fuck was their to reciprocate? People can just be friends and for the majority of that time this what he felt. If he ask her on a date he'll literally get every answer he knows without turning this into some awkward confession of love. No one likes that shit, she doesn't wanna hear that regardless and is definitely much more damaging than her saying no to a date and suggest remaining friends.

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People aren't dumb. This guy is obsessed with her and they have been best friends for a long time. You don't think he has ever let on?

At the least she likely suspects he has feelings for her. That may even be a reason why she asked about setting him up with a friend.

I will agree with you that if he's dead set on saying something he should avoid the "I'm completely obsessed with you" talk and just ask for a date. I highly advise against it but I guess that is the 2nd best option if the guy can't rationalize his infatuation with her, and I'm sure that's tough as a 21 year old with no previous relationship experience.

One thing I do want to know and maybe I missed it in some latter pages: has she had a boyfriend/s throughout this time?

 

[Gospel]

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Does this mean ruin the friendship or ruin that ass?🤔

 

[Incite]

You can love someone without possessing them. There are no stakes. It's great that you see beauty in her.

 

[SugarNoodles]

Does this mean ruin the friendship or ruin that ass?🤔

Click to shrink...

 

[see5harp]

Eh. Most women know that guy friends would fuck if given the opportunity. They know that you are already in the friend zone. You ain't getting out of the friend zone because she likes you there. Don't say shit unless you feel like you need to get it off your chest.

 

[Deleted member 9932]

If he was never forward with her, she might suspect something but also be confused why he never said anything. Which is exactly what my ex said to me, who was also my high-school crush for many years.

 

[Uncle0wnage]

He's obviously never expressed any romantic interest so what the fuck was their to reciprocate? People can just be friends and for the majority of that time this what he felt. If he ask her on a date he'll literally get every answer he knows without turning this into some awkward confession of love. No one likes that shit, she doesn't wanna hear that regardless and is definitely much more damaging than her saying no to a date and suggest remaining friends.

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I'm not sure what you're replying to me about?

 

[Solace]

Just go for it, man. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And please remember this, the chance of she being the one you gonna spend the rest of your life with is pretty much zero. So stop projecting and over thinking. If the feelings are mutual, then good, if not, good again, don't beat yourself up and realize that life goes on no matter what. In a few years down the road, she will be nothing but a distant memory you could barely remember her face.

Just go for it, If she says yes, have fun. If she says no, it is going to be a bitch, but don't worry man. You are young, you will meet lots of other girls. Time heals all wounds, but please for the love of god stop being her "friend" while secretly hoping for her to finally accept you. Don't be that guy. Move.on.
Now get out and go get her. Best of luck brother.

 

[Rei no Otaku]

Just let her know and suggest going on a date. It's better than living with uncertainty.

My wife and I were friends for years before we started dating. One night she was giving me a ride home, just turned to me and said "You want to try dating?". We've been together for over 10 years now, married for 8, and have three kids. You never know until you try.

 

[Mullet2000]

I see this story a lot and honestly there always seems to be an undertone of the guy seeing the best friend girl as their "best option" in one way or another.

OP have you dated other people? Are you struggling to find dates or girls who are interested in you outside of this friendship?

A lot of the time guys who aren't getting attention from girls elsewhere will fixate on their best female friend because it's where they are getting the most attention from a woman (even if it's just friendship level attention) so it seems like their best shot at a girlfriend to them on some level.

Is the above the case? Or are you dating other people, seeing interest in other people, and yet your head keeps coming back to this friend?

I'd caution you not to mess up a friendship if you unsure about where this fixation is coming from.

 

[Foxtastical]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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Wow this is bad life advice.

 

[MerryDeath]

I been in your shoes, OP.
I had a friend of Seven - Eight years. Ever since I saw her I always found her beautiful but I refused to go the same failed routes I always had. So I put it on the side and get to know her for real without projecting. We talked everyday, I always come over everyday that people actually believe I live in the neighborhood. We were always so closed. I tell her everything as she didn't judged me and tell me everything. I ended up dating her childhood friend and was always supportive and during those break up and single days. She has throw odd hints and even dared me to kiss her (which I didn't)
I end up back with my ex but the feeling of my friend haunted me. I did what I can to not let it affect the friendship. A situration arise when I can't see my girl often as I want to (like three- six months) and I end getting more and more close with my friend and with other friends and even her mom really poking the whole "You guys should date" bit. She felt it was a joke but it really wasn't. I broke down and told my best friend before telling her. For me If I tell her. The friendship will die. I know this deep down as you should to, OP. search your feeling and do what I shouldn't have done.
Don't tell her. Even if it kills you.
Because I end up telling her how I felt during the weekend of my friend's death. I couldn't hold it down. I was too emotional. I told her how I felt. Everything and it was one sided. We fought like crazy the next day how she felt I betrayed my girl ( I told my girl and she like Meh. It happened. Its all good) and then we kept it together until she stop talking to me, Blocked me everywhere, even kept my number to block me on social media, and it killed me ever since.
But if you do tell her. Don't go with I love you. Tell her honestly that you have developed feeling for her and that you care about your friendship with her and don't want to lose that friendship but you would like to take her out on a date If she want to try.

 

[Gustaf]

Does this mean ruin the friendship or ruin that ass?🤔

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it mean she/he wants to fuck too, and if that ruins the friendship at least they got a shag out of it

 

[Demacabre]

Be your most skeptical self and then ask yourself, "Is there any mutual chemistry between me and this person?"

If you answer is no or leans to no, move on. Plenty of fish in the sea and the best romances and love comes from mutual chemistry and affections. That mutual chemistry is far more worthwhile than a person whom fits what you believe is love. That mutual chemistry can lead to love.

Edit: Also a damn good friendship is so much better than a failed romance.

 

[papermoon]

Well if i do this, as the lights go down she's going to laugh and say "Stop being silly you romantic booy" then she laughs harder if i put the candles and says "Stop you're killing me (laughing)".
That's how our friendship is right now!

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She's literally said these things to you already?

So, you've tried flirting with her or making the vibe less platonic already, and that's how she reacts?

 

[Woolley]

Does this mean ruin the friendship or ruin that ass?🤔

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Ruin the friendship and tap that ass.

 

[CloudWolf]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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This is literally the worst advice you can give

 

[thecouncil]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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OP walking into the room like Danny Zuko at the end of Grease.

 

[Creation_Scapes]

Be more flirtatious than normal but avoid being to direct and see if she picks up on the hints.

 

[Lant_War]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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This should be your inspiration OP. You can't do worse than this.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Please don't tell this girl you love her. You're young broski. Just pursue other avenues. Please dont spill your feelings. No one wants to be in that awkward position where you have to like burden the entirety of someone's feelings all at once. Just like let it go man.

 

[KenobiLTS]

She's literally said these things to you already?

So, you've tried flirting with her or making the vibe less platonic already, and that's how she reacts?

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No i was just trying to make thing funny, she's never said these. I've never tried to flirt with her.
But we're really really close, we tell each other literally everything every day. I know everything about her and i'm sure she knows everything about me.

 

[D.Dragoon]

YOOOOOOOOOO you are in the same position as me but i proposed and got rejected and i became obsessive and proposed over 200 times and have gotten rejected every time. If i had another chance i would ask for her ideal bf or what kind of tastes she has and try to become that, so i suggest you do that if you are really scared of rejection other than that ask her out and see what happens.

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WTF did I just read, no one should ever do this.

 

[bionic77]

OP ask her out on a date and see if it works.

Either way you are going to learn about yourself and this girl no matter what happens.

 

[Cow Mengde]

Ruin the friendship and tap that ass.

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Friends with benefits?

 

[Gotdatmoney]

No i was just trying to make thing funny, she's never said these. I've never tried to flirt with her.
But we're really really close, we tell each other literally everything every day. I know everything about her and i'm sure she knows everything about me.

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Have you ever dated anybody before?

 

[DoctorBat]

Why not just talk about something unrelated, then work up to it and just tell her you've had a crush on her for a while?

The worst that could happen is she says no, but if she's a really great friend she'll be happy to remain friends and even happier if you're cool with the rejection.

Just do not say you love her. It's too much to put on someone, especially in uncertainty. It's not like the movies.

 

[Hokahey]

This thread. For god's sake.

1. Do not be brutally honest with her.
2. Do not keep it inside.

Learn how to communicate. You do not have to just dump it all on her nor do you need to keep it all bundled up inside. You should be able to have a conversation in such a way that you would be able to understand if she has any feelings for you whatsoever. Just something along the lines of if she has ever thought about you as more than a friend. It doesn't even have to be a conversation that makes clear you have feelings for her, just that you are curious if she has ever thought of the two of you as more than that.

Anything outside of that is unfair to both of you. Dumping at all on her in one fell swoop is going to make her uncomfortable almost no matter how she feels, but also never attempting at all is unfair to yourself.

There is a middle ground where you find an opportunity in a conversation to ask her in a light-hearted manner and if you can't figure out if she has any feelings for you whatsoever based on that then she doesn't.

 

[henlo_birb]

You don't have to lose the friendship if you tell her. You just have to be prepared to take a week or a few weeks off from talking to her if you need the space. Be open and honest with her and with yourself. Tell her how much you value the friendship, and that you don't want to lose it. Then tell her you've been developing feelings. Be prepared to feel some emotional pain if it's not reciprocated. I know it can really hurt. Don't think you have to hide it though. Just be honest, and if it doesn't work out, take some time off from the friendship to think and then work things back. If you start crying just try to be calm and not panic. People cry in situations like that -- it's not unusual.

If it turns out that she doesn't want to be with you, at least you will know, and you can start figuring out what it is you want out of life that isn't her as a partner. For a while it might still feel like she's the only thing you want, but that will pass with time. It's really just a time thing. Growing up sucks. I know.

 

[SpinierBlakeD]

If you've known this girl for twelve years without any kind of romantic development in your relationship, you're hardcore in the friendzone.

 

[Ocarina_117]

Just ask her out for dinner and drinks and see how things go?

Don't dive in with the "I love you" because that would most likely end whatever chances you have.

You don't even need to deliver any stupid romanticized speech you may have thought up at the moment.

Just hit her up with a "Would you like to get a drink sometime?".

Don't overthink it.

 

[KenobiLTS]

Have you ever dated anybody before?

Click to shrink...

Well after these feelings no, but before that i have, but i never had any serious one because i wanted to focus on my college ...

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Well after these feelings no, but before that i have, but i never had any serious one because i wanted to focus on my college ...

Click to shrink...

Why not start trying to seriously date other people? Do you think its wise to be stuck on this girl so hard you actively are passing on other people?

Personally, if you are very afraid to lose your friendship I wouldn't try what you are thinking. If you can handle possibly losing your friend then imo you just tell her you have been feeling her vibe lately and ask if she has ever felt similarly.

Please god, do not say you love her or spill your feelings.

Like I said earlier. You are still very young. This isnt the end of the world and there are so many other people out there. You may not be able to have your cake and eat it too but I dont feel like even if this went south it would be a huge deal.

If this tanked your friendship would you be devastated?