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I stop myself from messaging my friends because I don't want to annoy them

Blent

Blent

Member
Oct 26, 2017
5,171
East Midlands, England, UK
I have a long list of lovely people I know in my contacts list who I would happily chat with right now. Friends, old work colleagues, school and university friends - good people.

I'd love to just send some of them a message to say hi and just find out what's been going on with them. I'm genuinely interested to learn what's happening or to find out what's going with that one thing they mentioned to me when I last spoke with them months ago.

But even though there's nothing stopping me from reaching out, I just can't bring myself to do it unless I feel I have a good enough 'excuse' to do it.

I'm sure they think I'm a perfectly cool guy, but I worry that if they do end up talking to me it's mainly going to be out of politeness, rather than because they really want to. It's really annoying when you have that one person who just doesn't take the hint or pick up that you'd rather be left alone and I think I'm paranoid about being that guy without realising it.

Am I just overthinking things? Are there others out there like me?
 
Geoff

Geoff

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,115
TBH I get annoyed when people do this to me. If you're with me, I'll talk to you all night. Otherwise I'm not interested and it's annoying because I'm doing stuff like typing out this shit. Not sure why I feel this way but I do and so do most of my friends (we discuss it because we all dread our one friend calling us up or messaging us for 'a chat').
 
storaføtter

storaføtter

Member
Oct 26, 2017
952
I can relate back in the day but I ended up not giving a feck eventually. I always responded to friends quickly and thoroughly. But then realized no point putting any effort anymore unless they have some crisis. Find friends who are as talkative as you online. I get anxious about obligation conversations as they can be dull and pointless..
 
shenden

shenden

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,293
Messaging? Only by text then? I'm not spending time catching up weeks/months(years??) of living by typing. We do that in person or at least by phone, if not? then that means we're not close friends.
 
Ravelle

Ravelle

Member
Oct 31, 2017
17,758
You mean on your phone? I only text (WhatsApp) a bunch with close friends and depends on the friend about what, I chat about games with a bunch of them, or movies or television shows we are watching etc. And I have a dedicated group for Rainbow six Siege with friends.
 
HotAndTender

HotAndTender

Member
Dec 6, 2017
856
Just message them, literally what is the worse thing that could happen?
They don't reply? Well at least you tried, it's not the end of the world. That's what i think in these situations
 
Good4Squat

Good4Squat

Banned
Nov 2, 2017
3,148
Yeah, I feel like that myself sometimes too. But what I try to do is imagine if it was the other way around and how I would feel. So if it is a person I would be glad to hear from, I think there is a good chance they would also like to hear from me.
 
Wereroku

Wereroku

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,183
I don't think there is anything wrong with checking in on old friends by text. I mean if they don't want to bother they just won't respond.
 
baggage

baggage

Member
Oct 25, 2017
517
Talking to someone, nay even posting a message, and I want to apologize for doing it. Speaking of, sorry for posting.
 
Menchin

Menchin

Member
Apr 1, 2019
5,168
You don't always need a concrete reason to talk to someone

Worst thing that could happen is they don't respond immediately
 
BLEEN

BLEEN

Member
Oct 27, 2017
21,868
I got tired of picking up the phone for friends, let alone calling lol
I just tell everyone to text me. I'll get back to 'em whenever. Pisses some people off but I'm not my phone, if you catch my drift.
 

Slacker247

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,063
I like to text. I prefer it over a phone, because I can do things a bit slower. Not that I often respond slow (I don't, I am pretty swift), but I can finish say, eating, chores or something, before I text back. I can read things in my own time too. Phone is ok, and audios are probably the worst because that's something I can't keep track of or do at my own pace.

I do like texting friends, but I realised I'm one of the few in my group that enjoys it. Most others are either just not very social, or they prefer face-to-face (which I also like). I do find myself withdrawing from being text-heavy and being more boring/blunt, because showing too much enthusiasm feels like wasted effort. Nowadays, I find myself more and more just wanting to ignore texts until noon and night, I've been courteous enough to respond to friends swiftly, I don't get the same courtesy or enthusiam in kind.
 

Tanerian

Member
Feb 24, 2018
1,380
Get your friends into whatsapp and have your closest or those that know one another join a WA group. That way you can just talk kinda like a chat room and people can opt in/out at will and there is no pressure to respond immediately.

I actually do this to avoid being on the receiving end of what you are describing OP, while still being able to keep in touch with people better. Hate randomly chatting via text, or talking via phone. Phone/Text/PM's are for if you legit need something, not for chatting. For me anyways. Even if it's my wife/mother.

But I'll randomly chat throughout a day in a chat room/group in whats app, responding or jumping into others conversations etc.
 
kvetcha

kvetcha

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,835
I feel the same way, OP. If you're anything like me, you also inherently associate response (or lack of response) with how much people like and value your company. But the truth is, some people don't prioritize texting (or whatever), and if they don't respond to you, they don't necessarily mean anything by it.

Don't psyche yourself out too much. But maybe exercise enough restraint that you're not messaging unresponsive friends repeatedly throughout the day.
 
OP
OP
Blent

Blent

Member
Oct 26, 2017
5,171
East Midlands, England, UK
kvetcha said:
I feel the same way, OP. If you're anything like me, you also inherently associate response (or lack of response) with how much people like and value your company. But the truth is, some people don't prioritize texting (or whatever), and if they don't respond to you, they don't necessarily mean anything by it.

Don't psyche yourself out too much. But maybe exercise enough restraint that you're not messaging unresponsive friends repeatedly throughout the day.
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Yeah, I think you're right. I think that's how I view it.

I definitely wouldn't do that. I think I could tell when someone wasn't responsive and I definitely wouldn't pester anyone. I suppose I just assume that other people wouldn't be as welcoming to an out-of-the-blue message from me as I would be if I suddenly got one from them.
 

Deleted member 4494

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,798
A lot of my friends stop messaging me after a while, and I've normally been the one to make contact again. Which bothers me, because in my head I'm thinking: why am I *always* the one who has to do this? Shouldn't they, once in a while, be the ones to hit me up? Sad part is, if I let it lapse I really will lose friends. I'm 34 and making new friends isn't easy for me anymore, so I'd like to hold onto the ones I have. I just wish there was more reciprocation.
 
Coyote Starrk

Coyote Starrk

The Fallen
Oct 30, 2017
52,879
I do this all the time. There are so many pictures and articles that I want to send, but I feel like I am bugging them so I end up not doing it.
 
CloseTalker

CloseTalker

Member
Oct 25, 2017
30,539
If you aren't close enough to the person to call them or hang out, you probably don't need to know anything about them beyond their instagram posts.

You're right to be hesitant. If you actually care to make a genuine effort and build a strong connection than that's one thing, but if you're just messaging people sporadically to see how they're doing, that's pretty annoying. If the relationship mattered to the both of you, it would be strong.
 
Reckheim

Reckheim

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
9,351
Hate to say it, but I feel like only very close 'friends' should be doing this.

if you haven't talked to someone in months, there is a good chance they will be annoyed.

I text my brother and best friend often, but wouldn't do it to 99% of the people I know.

If you want to talk to people maybe have a group chat with a bunch of your friends on Instagram or whatever app you want to use.
 
xxracerxx

xxracerxx

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
31,222
You missed a prime opportunity to do the blind reach-out by wishing people a happy new year and seeing how they are.
 
DirtyLarry

DirtyLarry

Member
Oct 27, 2017
4,112
Just text them. Life is short. Will also probably help to determine who is a really good friend and who is just a friend.
Also look at it this way. One of these people could be having a bad day and hearing from you could be the one positive of that day.
Of course that can also go the other way as well.
But you never will find out not texting them.
Seriously, life is too short to worry about stuff like this. I know that is easier said than done, but do not overthink it.
A friend should be happy to hear from you.

With all of that said, the one thing I will no doubt say is do not take offense if you do not hear from them right away, or even at all. People have lots of stuff they are dealing with and you never know who is dealing with what. Also what time you text them probably will be somewhat relevant. If you text them during the middle of the work day that is not ideal.
 
Mankoto

Mankoto

Unshakable Resolve
Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,373
Yeah, I'm the same way OP. I can't initiate a 1 on 1 conversation to save my life. My anxiety goes through the roof. I can't count how many times I've typed something out and deleted it or never pressed send. God forbid I have to talk to someone new.

If it's on Discord or some group chat where everyone posts regularly, I don't mind making a post or even mentioning somone specifc on a post. But DM'ing someone regardless of context or content? Could not be me.
 

cecilpaladin32

Member
Apr 24, 2018
3,605
My closest friends I never feel this way (about five people) - even if long periods go by without us interacting. With other people, I kinda prescribe to this. However, I do make it a point to let people know if I'm ever traveling to their area and see if they're interested in meeting up for a quick drink/meal (if viable). I got to see a couple of my old co-workers the last couple of years in NYC in what has now become an annual trip for me.

Funnily enough, I had a good friend from high school who I've talked to maybe once in the last few years message me recently, and I was really happy to hear from him. So different people react differently, I guess.
 

Deleted member 3038

Oct 25, 2017
3,569
That's why I don't give a fuck and send my friends NSFW shit in the middle of the workday.

They probably all blocked me
 
Foot

Foot

Member
Mar 10, 2019
10,837
I message them at the slightest whim. I am certain they like the connection.
 
Skade

Skade

Member
Oct 28, 2017
8,837
It's a very good thing to do. I only text when it's important. And that's mostly because i'd like said friends to do the very same with me.

But i might not be a very social person, i admit.
 
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