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I think I've hit that level of depression

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Deleted member 17990

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,461
Yes another attention seeking thread but I don't know what to do.

The level where if the world ends I couldn't really give a shit because my life is worthless and I haven't accomplished anything in my 25 years of existance.

I feel like I'm adopted in my family, comparing myself with everyone else I feel like a massive failure. I know my Dad is more proud of his first son (my step brother). I am nothing like my father, I don't drink, I barely go out and hang with him, or my family. I don't really get along with anyone, my sister has a completely different personality to me (bright, bubbly always happy) where as I am depressed, sad, hardly ever talk (one word replies).

My childhood was a mess, a massive crybaby I was heck, still even at 25 years old. I also did some pretty imbarassing things. I bludged school and don't have any qualifications.

I am surviving on a casual job of 22/hour as a Dishwasher and it is crushing my soul. Doing something you know you hate every day, 5 days a week because you have to to survive. 25 years and all I have to show is I can wash dishes, nope I could have been an enginner, or be one of those younger kids in uni pursuing their passion but I had no fucking idea what to do in life.

I have a girlfriend (2 years) but I feel like my relationship is going nowhere and its all my fault. When I do get the chance to see her, most times I have to think of what to do and its usually just watch shows and I feel like its all a lie, I just chose to be with her because I was done looking online. Shes always been there for me and I feel like I am slowly pushing her further and further away.

I am currently living with a roommate and I can barely cook for myself. I have my own car.

My life right now is on a cycle, work, come home, stare at a screen until bed, rinse and repeat.

I want to study IT but I don't have the time for it, if I cut back on work to study, then I won't be able to afford the unit. Its all just a big mess.
 
WillyTheBikeGuy

WillyTheBikeGuy

Banned
Nov 2, 2017
951
You have a job, car, and a partner. That's not bad. And 22/hr for washing dishes is pretty good. Maybe get a discreet headphone and listen to audio books while you work.
 
MazeHaze

MazeHaze

Member
Nov 1, 2017
8,577
Holy shit where do you live? 22/hour to wash dishes is INCREDIBLE. Here in the midwest USA that job will get you 9/hour tops.
 
TrueSloth

TrueSloth

Member
Oct 27, 2017
6,065
I wish I was making 22/hour. I'm an operations manager for a small business making 16/hour
 
Mariolee

Mariolee

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
10,307
Yeah that job actually sounds pretty good as far as pay. On the surface you're doing pretty well to be honest, and to survive in this world you gotta do what you gotta do so don't compare yourself to others. There have been so many stories of people making great changes in themselves even later in life. Just do you.
 
WillyTheBikeGuy

WillyTheBikeGuy

Banned
Nov 2, 2017
951
Russell said:
No headphones allowed
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Not even 1? Maybe you could hide it under a toque or earplugs. When I washed dishes it was pretty loud so you could ask to wear hearing protection and hide one inside.

Other than that, just save every penny so you can go back to school or try another field. Move in with your partner to save money.
 
Goldenroad

Goldenroad

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
Banned
Nov 2, 2017
9,475
Don't compare yourself to other people. Take things one day at a time. If you want to break up that work > home > tv > bed cycle, go hit the gym or volunteer somewhere. Nothing will make you feel better about yourself than helping other people and looking after yourself. You got someone who cares about you, but you gotta care about you too. As far as your last point goes, it's a dilemma we all face, but look at taking some night classes, or if you work at night, some day classes. You don't need to jump fully into anything. You can work a job and study. A lot of us have done it.
 
Truly Gargantuan

Truly Gargantuan

Still doesn't have a tag :'(
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
8,034
Seriously dude where can I make 22/hr washing dishes?
I make way less than that and I'm older than you, AND I'm single, AND the job that I also fucking despise just demoted me yesterday. I live my life paycheck to paycheck. Lord forbid if I ever get sick or something cause missing just a few days of work means that I'm stuck catching up on money for at least the next month.
 
Eldy

Eldy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,192
Maryland
I know that hearing it won't magically fix things, but you have your shit more together than a number of people in my family did at that age. And hell, I'm 24 and while the areas I'm directionless in aren't all the same as yours, I still have a ton of things to figure out and decidedly mixed results when I attempt to do so.

If you want to go to college, just know that there is no upper age limit. Especially in this day and age, it's common even for people in their 60s and 70s to attend for one reason or another. If it would take a couple years to get to the point where you can afford and have the time to go to school, you're obviously the only person who can decide whether or not that's the right path, but I hope you won't dismiss it out of hand as an impossibility.

Best of luck with everything, man. The fact that you're able to vocalize this, even on an Internet forum, is in and of itself an accomplishment and a positive sign. Not trying to be patronizing, it's just that there are people who get into middle age before they're able to acknowledge that they're struggling with depression, if they ever do. And even when you admit it to yourself, talking about it with others is always a challenge.
 
cwmartin

cwmartin

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,765
Even converting it to $16 USD / hour for washing dishes is pretty incredible. Nice job OP, you fucking nailed it.

I would give up my office career if I could just turn off my brain for awhile.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 17990

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,461
Eldy said:
I know that hearing it won't magically fix things, but you have your shit more together than a number of people in my family did at that age. And hell, I'm 24 and while the areas I'm directionless in aren't all the same as yours, I still have a ton of things to figure out and decidedly mixed results when I attempt to do so.

If you want to go to college, just know that there is no upper age limit. Especially in this day and age, it's common even for people in their 60s and 70s to attend for one reason or another. If it would take a couple years to get to the point where you can afford and have the time to go to school, you're obviously the only person who can decide whether or not that's the right path, but I hope you won't dismiss it out of hand as an impossibility.

Best of luck with everything, man. The fact that you're able to vocalize this, even on an Internet forum, is in and of itself an accomplishment and a positive sign. Not trying to be patronizing, it's just that there are people who get into middle age before they're able to acknowledge that they're struggling with depression, if they ever do. And even when you admit it to yourself, talking about it with others is always a challenge.
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Yeah I know when making this thread there are millions of people living worse than me but when I have all these things and I don't take them for granted I feel worthless. I know I have to give back to the world but I feel like I am just wasting my life.
 
SlickShoes

SlickShoes

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,770
cwmartin said:
Even converting it to $16 USD / hour for washing dishes is pretty incredible. Nice job OP, you fucking nailed it.

I would give up my office career if I could just turn off my brain for awhile.
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But what if that was the only job you have ever had?

It's not really helpful to tell someone with a menial job that you wish you could have their job because you don't have to do it 52 weeks a year. There is no career in washing dishes, the OP is clear he wishes he had a way out of this, telling him he is lucky to be washing dishes isn't helpful.
 
Phil32

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
4,568
One of my biggest issues that I've been told to stop doing by friends and by past therapists is comparing myself to others. It's really hard to stop when your mind is in a downward spiral and it's the emotional part speaking to you over the logical one. I try to tell myself that I don't have to compete against anyone except the person I am today in hopes on always improving myself in some way.

I think you have more than you realize, Russell, and it can be hard to imagine that. Have you ever tried therapy at all to have someone to talk to about this and offer more guidance regarding your situation? Also, does your girlfriend know of your current state of mind? If she really cares for you, I think she'd love you and support you regardless. That said, I've never been a relationship, myself, so don't take that advice as gospel. I just wish you well!
 
Spinluck

Spinluck

â–˛ Legend â–˛
Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
28,432
Chicago
You have the time OP, trust me when I say that "I don't have the time" is usually a bullshit excuse we tell ourselves. If you are single (you're not NVM but still), and have no kids. You have the time, just gotta find a way to make it. Try waking up early and going for walks or something, then study.

Also, talk to someone about your depression. I get it in waves fairly regularly at times, but I try to avoid that downward spiral of getting stuck in it because it's debilitating. Therapy can work, can't afford it? Talk to a friend or anyone willing to listen. Even if they don't understand what you're going through, at least they care enough to listen.

So you want to get into IT? Start studying now, look up Professor Messer videos, and start studying for that A+.

If you need an ear, just PM me, I'm here to listen.
 
coolasj19

coolasj19

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,655
Houston, Texas
I know it might not feel good but you're clothed, homed, and employed. This is all good cause you're in a position to change your situation. I suggest going to a doctor and getting some anti-depressants prescribed. You wouldn't not take cold medicine when you're sick right? Or not take an ibuprofen when you have a headache right? You can start warming up to that decision as long as you want, in the mean time, go for a walk when you get home instead of staring at the screen. Even doing it the once feels pretty good and different. Or, do both. Walk outside while staring at the screen.

Oi, comparing yourself to others is an exhausting thought exercise.
 
Dokkaebi G0SU

Dokkaebi G0SU

Member
Nov 2, 2017
5,922
I know that feeling. Eveything you have becomes non-important and doesnt feel like it represents the inner you. That feeling of 'what is this even' with the thoughts of why even bother for a future? My depression is a rollercoaster and comes and goes .. so i feel you OP. The cycle is Depression - that constant mental pain of those thoughts you tell yourself about how it wont change and why would you change it when you dont feel like you matter anyway?

As someone who has had an event trigger my depression, anxiety attacks and somtimes suicidal thoughts .. i need to tell you that you CAN make your daily life better. Yes you can. And you know what? YOU WILL.

Do you know why? Because you already made the FIRST step and told someone about it. You want things to change even if you dont realize it, you do. Dont ignore that change and go for it.

break it down; Can you spare 30 minutes of sleep to study? There are a lot of self teaching IT courses online. FREE even.

I look back and see what i did to have my thoughts feeling better and my depression low. It was the time i took action for what i wanted to do. Made a plan, and tried to stick with it. Making it reasonable and progressive.

OP YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Depression really sucks ... so im glad you took time to express and look for insight/help/someone to listen to you.
 
Eldy

Eldy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,192
Maryland
Russell said:
Yeah I know when making this thread there are millions of people living worse than me but when I have all these things and I don't take them for granted I feel worthless. I know I have to give back to the world but I feel like I am just wasting my life.
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I hope that my post didn't come off as belittling or anything; I don't think that trying to rate how bad our situations are relative to other people on a scale in order to determine who is allowed to be miserable is a fruitful endeavor. It just sounds like you're doing more than you give yourself credit for. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to be depressed or feel worthless, though; that can affect people in any situation and it's in no way a personal failing. Though I do, of course, hope that those feelings will lessen with time.

As for the world, it's not going anywhere anytime soon. It can wait until you get to a place where you're able to give back. Trying to push yourself too hard too early will ultimately make it harder to do whatever you eventually decide you want to do or to give back. That's the message my dad has been trying to give me, anyway, and I think it's an encouraging thought even though I haven't been entirely successful at internalizing it.
 
cwmartin

cwmartin

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,765
SlickShoes said:
But what if that was the only job you have ever had?

It's not really helpful to tell someone with a menial job that you wish you could have their job because you don't have to do it 52 weeks a year. There is no career in washing dishes, the OP is clear he wishes he had a way out of this, telling him he is lucky to be washing dishes isn't helpful.
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I'm not telling him he is lucky. I am telling him its not as bad as it seems, because he is clearly comparing his situation to those he feels have it better. I am also trying to console and relate to him by saying I don't see his job as a bad, or undesirable job, and would consider doing it myself.

It may not be helpful to provide perspective in terms of ailing his depression, but it can be helpful to hear other people tell you its not as bad as you think.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 17990

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,461
Phil32 said:
One of my biggest issues that I've been told to stop doing by friends and by past therapists is comparing myself to others. It's really hard to stop when your mind is in a downward spiral and it's the emotional part speaking to you over the logical one. I try to tell myself that I don't have to compete against anyone except the person I am today in hopes on always improving myself in some way.

I think you have more than you realize, Russell, and it can be hard to imagine that. Have you ever tried therapy at all to have someone to talk to about this and offer more guidance regarding your situation? Also, does your girlfriend know of your current state of mind? If she really cares for you, I think she'd love you and support you regardless. That said, I've never been a relationship, myself, so don't take that advice as gospel. I just wish you well!
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I've had 2 therapy sessions, I've been doing what the therapist suggested (do what you can until you know what to do). I've been doing that for a year but I just can't dp it anymore. I can't do anything else because I have no experience.
 
Ketkat

Ketkat

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
4,727
Don't worry about comparing yourself to others or looking for their approval. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but you need to focus on doing what will make you happy in your life. It literally doesn't matter what anyone else is going through because your problems are perfectly valid and its okay to reach out for help with them. And it helps to tackle it one step at a time.

You have a lot of goals that you want to get done in here, but if you broke them down further, then they might seem more manageable. For instance, you want to learn how to cook. Just break it down into a smaller goal that will let you get used to it, like "I want to cook a meal two times this week." It's smaller and more manageable, and you'll still be making progress.

Studying for IT doesn't have to be this big impossible goal either that you've set up. Just studying for an hour or two here and there can go a long way towards helping you learn the basics. To start with, I'd really recommend studying for a CompTIA A+ certification. It does involve taking 2 exams, but there are quite a few free resources out there like Professor Messer's videos as well as just study guides. With an A+ on its own, you could most likely find a job working at a Level 1 Help Desk position while you try and work your way towards whatever your end goal is in IT.

Just take it slow, and one step at a time. And break those steps up if you need to. We're here for you any time you need help figuring this out.
 
CopperPuppy

CopperPuppy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,636
You have a job, a partner, a car, and are 25 years old. You are very, very young. It sounds like you yourself acknowledge that there are some areas of improvement within your control.

For example, you say that your girlfriend has always been there for you but that you have been a poor partner. Try to think of ways you can change that.

With respect to your current job situation, is there a credible community college somewhere in your area? Many are cheap and accommodate non-traditional students' work schedules. Maybe find something that interests you and chip away at a licensure, certification, or degree, bit by bit.

Regarding your past, try to leave it where it is. There is nothing you can do to change it. I understand that is far easier said than done, but your energies are better spent focusing on what is ahead of you.

With respect to your living situation, maybe you can learn how to cook? It can be really enjoyable and sounds like a skill you wish you had. This seems like a silly suggestion but, again, this is an example of something that is within your control to change and (relatively) easy to do so.

Try to do things that break from the cycle you feel your life is on. Get a new hobby. Try to start a new routine in your free time. General advice, to be sure, but this can make your life feel fresh and you will be energized because of it.

If you have clinical depression, then this is something that needs to be treated by a medical professional. But understand that things can always improve and, more often than not, there are things that are within your control to change. Seek help and treatment, please, but also be proactive about motivating yourself to positive change.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 17990

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,461
CopperPuppy said:
You have a job, a partner, a car, and are 25 years old. You are very, very young. It sounds like you yourself acknowledge that there are some areas of improvement within your control.

For example, you say that your girlfriend has always been there for you but that you have been a poor partner. Try to think of ways you can change that.

With respect to your current job situation, is there a credible community college somewhere in your area? Many are cheap and accommodate non-traditional students' work schedules. Maybe find something that interests you and chip away at a licensure, certification, or degree, bit by bit.

Regarding your past, try to leave it where it is. There is nothing you can do to change it. I understand that is far easier said than done, but your energies are better spent focusing on what is ahead of you.

With respect to your living situation, maybe you can learn how to cook? It can be really enjoyable and sounds like a skill you wish you had. This seems like a silly suggestion but, again, this is an example of something that is within your control to change and (relatively) easy to do so.

Try to do things that break from the cycle you feel your life is on. Get a new hobby. Try to start a new routine in your free time. General advice, to be sure, but this can make your life feel fresh and you will be energized because of it.

If you have clinical depression, then this is something that needs to be treated by a medical professional. But understand that things can always improve and, more often than not, there are things that are within your control to change. Seek help and treatment, please, but also be proactive about motivating yourself to positive change.
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Thank you, I needed this.
 
Bishop89

Bishop89

What Are Ya' Selling?
Member
Oct 25, 2017
34,543
Melbourne, Australia
If you don't really go out and do things then why don't you study IT in your spare time? You're only working part time hours.

You don't even need to go to a Tafe you can do it online. They usually offer different payment options for those who can't afford to drop $5k just like that.
 
OP
OP

Deleted member 17990

Banned
Oct 27, 2017
7,461
Bishop89 said:
If you don't really go out and do things then why don't you study IT in your spare time? You're only working part time hours.

You don't even need to go to a Tafe you can do it online. They usually offer different payment options for those who can't afford to drop $5k just like that.
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Where can I study it online, I heard hands on experience was better for beginners. Most online sites are bad though.
 
Nostremitus

Nostremitus

Member
Nov 15, 2017
7,772
Alabama
Russell said:
Yes another attention seeking thread but I don't know what to do.

The level where if the world ends I couldn't really give a shit because my life is worthless and I haven't accomplished anything in my 25 years of existance.

I feel like I'm adopted in my family, comparing myself with everyone else I feel like a massive failure. I know my Dad is more proud of his first son (my step brother). I am nothing like my father, I don't drink, I barely go out and hang with him, or my family. I don't really get along with anyone, my sister has a completely different personality to me (bright, bubbly always happy) where as I am depressed, sad, hardly ever talk (one word replies).

My childhood was a mess, a massive crybaby I was heck, still even at 25 years old. I also did some pretty imbarassing things. I bludged school and don't have any qualifications.

I am surviving on a casual job of 22/hour as a Dishwasher and it is crushing my soul. Doing something you know you hate every day, 5 days a week because you have to to survive. 25 years and all I have to show is I can wash dishes, nope I could have been an enginner, or be one of those younger kids in uni pursuing their passion but I had no fucking idea what to do in life.

I have a girlfriend (2 years) but I feel like my relationship is going nowhere and its all my fault. When I do get the chance to see her, most times I have to think of what to do and its usually just watch shows and I feel like its all a lie, I just chose to be with her because I was done looking online. Shes always been there for me and I feel like I am slowly pushing her further and further away.

I am currently living with a roommate and I can barely cook for myself. I have my own car.

My life right now is on a cycle, work, come home, stare at a screen until bed, rinse and repeat.

I want to study IT but I don't have the time for it, if I cut back on work to study, then I won't be able to afford the unit. Its all just a big mess.
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Honestly, better than I was at 25.

Also, you say you work, then stare at a screen until bed, but say you'd have to cut back on work to study.

You could study instead of staring at the screen until bed.
 
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