I told my friend why he's such a fuck up in life and he started crying

[Yourfawthaaa]

Sometimes people need to hear or feel the truth in order for it to wake them the fuck up.

The truth hurts but it makes you realize so much about yourself. Your not wrong bro and I look it at as saving your friends life instead of letting loose on him.

You did the right thing.

 

[TarNaru33]

Just bewildered at how many people think what OP did was the good thing. If cutting your losses, is what is desired, I guess it is.

Tough love.... lol

Wrong way to handle this imo OP.

 

[excelsiorlef]

Those of you who think OP did a good thing, I honestly don't think you understand how deeply scarring and painful words like that are. It doesn't matter if they're true. The fact that something is true doesn't give you free license to use it against people.

Click to shrink...

Bingo.

OP had other options too. Could have taken time away from his friend, no one is saying one has to stay friends with someone but undresseing them for 40 minutes, telling them to stop being a pussy, that's not tough love, it's selfish catharsis for your personal frustrations with the relationship.

I feel like it wasn't for his friend's own good, it was for his own... the fact that the OP couldn't believe his friend was reduced to tears is evidence of that imo.

Especially when as always this is the OP's side of the story, the version that should in theory cast the OP in the best light possible

 

[Leland Palmer]

Sometimes people need to hear or feel the truth in order for it to wake them the fuck up.

The truth hurts but it makes you realize so much about yourself. Your not wrong bro and I look it at as saving your friends life instead of letting loose on him.

You did the right thing.

Click to shrink...

If only OP was a therapist or a psychologist then maybe but he doesn't how balanced his friend is at the moment.

 

[Hokahey]

Hopefully whatever you said will make a change for the better.

Click to shrink...

Unlikely. People like his friend need therapy. Right down to his noted codependency issues.

 

[cakely]

I've been thinking about this post, OP.

You really aren't being a very good friend.

 

[zon]

Sounds like he hit a breaking point when you went off on him. It might have been good for him, it might have been bad. We can't help you to figure out if it was good or bad. You'll only get opinions from a bunch of amateurs here.

I think he'll probably need some positivity from you as well. You can't just tear him down and expect him to figure things out on his own, maybe he'll listen now if you tell him that it's time to start therapy if he wants to get better.

 

[Deleted member 15737]

Tough love is bullshit and what you did was awful. You could have explained how his complaining, coupled with inaction, made you feel. You could have cut ties. You could have calmly offered solutions again. You could have just listened.

What you don't do is berate a friend for 40 minutes on how much of a loser they are and how they're to blame for everything. Jfc this is an infuriating thread.

 

[Saifu]

I wish I had the balls to do this to a certain friend that I stopped talking to for few years now.
He's almost 29 and he's still stuck at his dead end job which he started working at ever since he finished high school.
It's fucking sad just thinking about his situation.

 

[okayfrog]

For his sake, I hope what you did worked.

 

[okayfrog]

I wish I had the balls to do this to a certain friend that I stopped talking to for few years now.
He's almost 29 and he's still stuck at his dead end job which he started working at ever since he finished high school.
It's fucking sad just thinking about his situation.

Click to shrink...

Maybe that'll help! Or, maybe, your friend needs professional help, which can be kinda difficult to obtain.

 

[Deleted member 4034]

"i made my friend feel like a piece of shit when hes probably depressed and knows his own weakness and probably contemplates suicide on the daily"

"but hey, at least I told him what a loser he is"

Click to shrink...

You're aware that you're projecting, right?

Okay, A LOT of you are projecting.

 

[Angry Grimace]

For his sake, I hope what you did worked.

Click to shrink...

I dunno, if you were a screw-up and knew you were a screw-up, and your "friend" decided to berate you for 40 minutes with completely true reasons you suck, would you feel better?

 

[excelsiorlef]

Did all those praising the OP miss that the OP literally told his friend to stop being a pussy?

 

[onlySpicySalsa]

did you at least give him a hug?
and a kiss on the cheek?

 

[okayfrog]

I dunno, if you were a screw-up and knew you were a screw-up, and your "friend" decided to berate you for 40 minutes with completely true reasons you suck, would you feel better?

Click to shrink...

I'd probably stop seeing that friend. But I'm not OP's friend. As I said, for the sake of OP's friend, I hope the OP made the right move.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I'm fucking howling at how people criticize masculinity on this forum but are cool with OP calling his friend, who has tried to kill himself, a pussy.

Howling.

 

[Seductivpancakes]

Have you tried pushing him to do more with his life prior to this event?

Offering your ear only helps so far, as evidence of you snapping on him, and snapping on someone is like a coin flip. It isn't going to the way you expect.

 

[Angry Grimace]

I'd probably stop seeing that friend. But I'm not OP's friend. As I said, for the sake of OP's friend, I hope the OP made the right move.

Click to shrink...

It's even worse because when you're just trying to get your own selfish catharsis by chewing a dude out because the people closest to you know exactly what to say to make it cut like a fucking knife. If I wanted to hurt my friend's feelings, I could do it to them about a billion times better than I could to say, a co-worker or someone on ERA. The thing is, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't even do that to people I don't like.

 

[Zeroro]

Yeah, I don't know if the point of making this thread was to get people to pat you on the back or something, but this was really not the best way to go about trying to... motivate(?) somebody.

 

[Xita]

You're aware that you're projecting, right?

Okay, A LOT of you are projecting.

Click to shrink...

That post is exaggerated but the OP literally said that he heard his friend had tried to committ suicide before...

 

[Ketkat]

You're aware that you're projecting, right?

Okay, A LOT of you are projecting.

Click to shrink...

Realistically, I think OP did what was best for himself, and not his friend. You can pretend that its projecting or whatever, but I honestly feel like that's what all of you are doing from the other side. You're thinking about OP and what he should be doing for his own life instead of considering the actual impact that words like those have on people who are struggling. I want you to keep in mind that we're only hearing one side of the story here and through that, we get quotes like this from the OP.

"Stop being a fucking pussy and dump X and go be single for a while and figure out how to be happy on your own instead of being a needy fuck and ruining other people's lives along with your own like your last girlfriend."

Click to shrink...

Anyone who has experience with depression or anxiety, whether through other people or themselves can tell you just how disastrous it would be to have someone tell you this. If you all seriously think that telling someone that they're a "needy fuck and ruining other people's lives" because they're struggling then you need to take a step back and realize that you don't actually understand much about mental health and should just defer people that you know are struggling towards therapists. It actually is possible to do more harm than good when responding to someone, and its important to recognize when we don't know how to help someone that we need to take a step back and figure things out.

 

[Leland Palmer]

I'm fucking howling at how people criticize masculinity on this forum but are cool with OP calling his friend, who has tried to kill himself, a pussy.

Howling.

Click to shrink...

That's sad to me

 

[Your Cousin Vinny]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

 

[Deleted member 23850]

I'm not really sure if this will make it any better, OP.

EDIT: Yeah, you're an asshole. Send the dude to a damn psychiatrist. Your brand of "therapy" is useless.

 

[brownmagic]

Some people need some tough love to get themselves out of a rut. Good job OP, I would expect my friends to do the same thing if I were behaving that way.

 

[excelsiorlef]

I'm fucking howling at how people criticize masculinity on this forum but are cool with OP calling his friend, who has tried to kill himself, a pussy.

Howling.

Click to shrink...

I'd assume those are two different groups of people tbh.

Threads critical of masculinity get a ton of push back so it's not like everyone is close to being on the same page there, not one iota.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

Yelling at the dude for 40 minutes does jack shit. If you don't want to be around them don't be around them, don't take a sledgehammer to them to release your pent-up frustration and paint it as tough love

 

[Deleted member 24907]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

It's not a great mystery which one he is considering OP said he attempted suicide before...

 

[Transistor]

Are you my brother's best friend?

 

[MasterSummerSmith462]

You did the right thing, however the next step involves cutting ties entirely if he fucks up again.

Now how are his financials? Are they as bad as the rest of his life?

 

[Mr_F_Snowman]

I can completely sympathize with the OP, some people will continually live in their own reality until snapped out of it by someone being completely blunt with them. I'm in a similar kind of situation and will be doing the exact same thing pretty soon - some times a wake up call is exactly what is needed (obviously if someone is depressed it is completely different and a different approach is required but don't assume depression is always the cause of peoples issues)

 

[Deleted member 4034]

That post is exaggerated but the OP literally said that he heard his friend had tried to committ suicide before...

Click to shrink...

I'm not saying the OP did nothing wrong, but I'm just rolling my eyes at half the thread making him seem like he just bullied his friend for no reason.

The wording wasn't great, he went on too long, but it honestly sounded like he snapped. He was clearly keeping in some frustration with this dude, explained how he's made previous attempts to help his friend, but sure, ignore all that.

Hey, I know what you probably had the best attentions, you probably went overboard, check on your friend, make sure he's okay, try to have a follow up. No one thought to say any of that, just right off the gate "you're an asshole OP", "you're a terrible friend". If I dealt with a leech for 15 years and someone who didn't even know me came at me like that for snapping at him, I'd be really annoyed.

People are literally doing the thing they're mad at the OP for with even less information.

Case and fucking point.

Seriously, this is so fucking awful. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up wanting to kill himself even more after going through that, especially since he apparently tried to kill himself in the past.

"With friends like you, who needs enemies?" Seems awfully fitting for the OP.

You're an asshole OP. But hey, you felt better after going off on a depressed guy, good for you and you've got plenty of people here to pat you on the back for it.

Click to shrink...

Clearly some people are bringing their own issues into this.

You are one sad, embarrassing clown lmao

Click to shrink...

I got this today on Era from someone because I did an Google plug in an Apple thread. People are assholes.

 

[Pancoar]

Tough love is bullshit and what you did was awful. You could have explained how his complaining, coupled with inaction, made you feel. You could have cut ties. You could have calmly offered solutions again. You could have just listened.

What you don't do is berate a friend for 40 minutes on how much of a loser they are and how they're to blame for everything. Jfc this is an infuriating thread.

Click to shrink...

Seriously, this is so fucking awful. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up wanting to kill himself even more after going through that, especially since he apparently tried to kill himself in the past.

"With friends like you, who needs enemies?" Seems awfully fitting for the OP.

You're an asshole OP. But hey, you felt better after going off on a depressed guy, good for you and you've got plenty of people here to pat you on the back for it.

 

[excelsiorlef]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

Then move on from the friendship, don't tell the dude to stop being a pussy for 40 minutes

 

[Your Cousin Vinny]

Yelling at the dude for 40 minutes does jack shit. If you don't want to be around them don't be around them, don't take a sledgehammer to them to release your pent-up frustration and paint it as tough love

Click to shrink...

OP is getting criticized for doling out a desperation dressing-down, you think that he wouldn't get judged even harder for ghosting his friend?

 

[How About No]

i agreed with the op's actions at the start of the thread and now i have doubts and feel a pit in my stomach about what kind of person that makes me

um

 

[okayfrog]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

Best case scenario: OP's friend is a deadbeat and this talk makes him turn his life around.
Worst case scenario: OP's friend is depressed and this talk drives him to hurt himself.

 

[Leek]

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

Regardless of which one he is, I don't think it's likely that any positive outcome will come out of his only remaining friend ranting for almost an hour about how they and everybody else close to him can't stand him and the way he acts.

A deadbeat can just ignore it and blame everyone else, but it could easily destroy somebody who's depressed. Considering it sounds like the OP just wanted to vent his anger and this rant wasn't brought forth by a desire to help his friend, I doubt it was presented in a way that's going to inspire much change.

There's a difference between offering somebody some hard truths and simply attacking them. If I valued somebody's friendship or had a basic understanding of humans, this isn't the path I'd take. Even before hearing about this guy's previous suicide attempt, it felt like a very real possibility that the OP had done some serious damage.

 

[Spinluck]

Tough love is bullshit and what you did was awful. You could have explained how his complaining, coupled with inaction, made you feel. You could have cut ties. You could have calmly offered solutions again. You could have just listened.

What you don't do is berate a friend for 40 minutes on how much of a loser they are and how they're to blame for everything. Jfc this is an infuriating thread.

Click to shrink...

I do not think tough love is bullshit... or perhaps my idea of it is different or maybe it is a bullshit phrase that it is used too often by people who think "THEY'RE KEEPING IT REAL."

Honesty is important in close friendship, and so is being able to show our true selves (being vulnerable). Sometimes being able to shut the fuck up and listen to someone helps too. I learned the hard way you do not help people by simply listening and telling them how to fix their lives in most cases. Because honestly, we are all dealing with our own shit, and sometimes the best we can do is show up when needed and be supportive.

I do not think bringing up shit from the past and throwing it in someones face is the proper way to push someone towards growth. If anything, it comes off as pretty judgmental and does not allow them to look forward. And failure... lol really? If he is still working, still breathing, still living... he is the opposite of that. He is seeing that he is not getting anywhere which is good, but to put him down because of it, why? Why not at least preface with something like, "I care... I really care for you bud, but you really need to get it together." Why not ask him what it is he wants to do, what is that he loves, shit, instead of having him compare himself to his brother ask him to compare himself to his favorite fictional or non-fictional figure. You can cheer someone up while being brutally honest and still taking their feelings into account... it takes some emotional intelligence and empathy/sympathy but it's not impossible. You do not have to choose between honesty and their feelings...

Success demands failure, to label him as that imo robs him of the mindset required to grow and get better. I think OP had good intentions, but kind of dropped the ball here. It sounds more like he needs someone to understand him more than anything.

 

[Deleted member 4034]

OP is getting criticized for doling out a desperation dressing-down, you think that he wouldn't get judged even harder for ghosting his friend?

Click to shrink...

And we've had these threads where Era vents about how horrible and painful it is to be ghosted so you know that shit is true.

 

[Deleted member 3925]

I mean... I get wanting to call him out on it, but not sure if that was the best way to do so.

Hope for his sake it worked.

 

[Xelan]

I feel for the friend, because I've been exactly where he was, I had a useless degree since I didn't do my research properly, My family was very lenient with me and allowed me to live with them well into my 20's and during the whole time I felt like a general leech and a waste of space but did nothing to improve my situation I avoided applying for work because I even had the same mindset of "if I don't try I can't fail" coupled with the fact that I have a nice dose of social anxiety which fed into my unwillingness to apply for jobs for so long that I was primarily unemployed until I was 27, things came to a head when I was told in no uncertain terms that I had 3 months to find work or to pack my bags since they just couldn't afford to support the three of us with me bringing no income into the house.

That ultimatum was a punch to the gut and was a clear message that I was a financial burden, it wasn't nice and it certainly wasn't sugar coated, but it was what I needed.

Also I think people missed the part where the friend has been complaining about his circumstances for several years and according to the OP has done nothing except avoid any and all paths to self improvement since they were afraid of failing.

Can people honestly say they too wouldn't get annoyed at someone who constantly complains to you about their lot in life but makes no moves to improve it even a fraction for years on end?

I don't know ,putting myself in the friends shoes this rant would probably have helped me, but I also don't suffer from depression or suicidal tendencies so I honestly don't know where I fall on this subject really.

 

[RoninChaos]

Some of y'all are some assholes.

 

[Foffy]

I'm fucking howling at how people criticize masculinity on this forum but are cool with OP calling his friend, who has tried to kill himself, a pussy.

Howling.

Click to shrink...

The duality of man in action. I'd howl too but it's a little frustrating to see in this context.

Everyone ITT: "OP do you even know about depression?"

Me to everyone: "Do you even know about deadbeats?"

It's impossible for us to know which one OP's friend truly is, but my god, it's like none of you have ever heard of someone who just refuses to get their shit together, yet somehow you are 100% convinced that OP is in the wrong.

Click to shrink...

The bolded hot take is trash. Deadbeats are conditioned beings. The whole point of them being in a rut is because they are, and that's almost always tailored to experiences and identifying with them. Depression is influenced by environment and experience, and it seems like OP's friend is more defined by that emptiness than willingly choosing the simple and easy thing; after all, he's objecting to it.

That's a take even worse than "man up, pussy". It arguably defines people as completely irredeemable of change, and that's only true if there's no doorway to change. Attitudes like the bolded make sure all the doors stay locked.

 

[Hollywood Duo]

OP you are a good friend. No one needs some weak enabler when they are fucking up.

 

[excelsiorlef]

OP is getting criticized for doling out a desperation dressing-down, you think that he wouldn't get judged even harder for ghosting his friend?

Click to shrink...

Depends how he did it and worded it.

But here we're talking about a guy whose tough love includes "stop being a pussy" and expressing surprise that his friend cried.... sooo

 

[Xita]

I'm not saying the OP did nothing wrong, but I'm just rolling my eyes at half the thread making him seem like he just bullied his friend for no reason.

The wording wasn't great, he went on too long, but it honestly sounded like he snapped. He was clearly keeping in some frustration with this dude, explained how he's made previous attempts to help his friend, but sure, ignore all that.

Hey, I know what you probably had the best attentions, you probably went overboard, check on your friend, make sure he's okay, try to have a follow up. Keep these things in mind.

As opposed to "you're a terrible friend". If I dealt with a leech for 15 years and someone who didn't even know me came at me like that, I'd be really annoyed.

People are literally doing the thing they're mad at the OP for with even less information.

Click to shrink...

Well yeah. People are usually less lenient on people they don't know, especially when their posts paint them in a bad light. I mean, we're already getting a biased perspective of what happened so I can only imagine what he said that he's not sharing with us.

Not saying Era posters are right, but when we're looking at someone struggling with their mental health and then someone like the OP just unloads on them for 40 minutes I can understand the scorn he's getting. OP doesn't seem particularly remorseful about it and hasn't said whether he's checked up on the guy afterward either which doesn't paint him in a good light IMO.

 

[Your Cousin Vinny]

Regardless of which one he is, I don't think it's likely that any positive outcome will come out of his only remaining friend ranting for almost an hour about how they and everybody else close to him can't stand him and the way he acts.

A deadbeat can just ignore it and blame everyone else, but it could easily destroy somebody who's depressed. Considering it sounds like the OP just wanted to vent his anger and this rant wasn't brought forth by a desire to help his friend, I doubt it was presented in a way that's going to inspire much change.

There's a difference between offering somebody some hard truths and simply attacking them. If I valued somebody's friendship or had a basic understanding of humans, this isn't the path I'd take. Even before hearing about this guy's previous suicide attempt, it felt like a very real possibility that the OP had done some serious damage.

Click to shrink...

OP knows the situation better than any of us. Some people are basically worthless until they're firmly told that their being worthless isn't going to be tolerated anymore, and for everyone to pretend like that's not a personality archetype that exists is to be extremely naive. My point is that no one here has the right to judge OP with such venom when we don't know his friend's constitution, don't know his behavior patterns or personality, and don't know his history.

It's obvious that OP was releasing years of frustration because he's concerned about his friend. That kind of diatribe doesn't come from someone who doesn't care.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Some of y'all are some assholes.

Click to shrink...

You sound weak bro. Man up.