-
Ever wanted an RSS feed of all your favorite gaming news sites? Go check out our new Gaming Headlines feed! Read more about it here.
-
We have made minor adjustments to how the search bar works on ResetEra. You can read about the changes here.
I told my friend why he's such a fuck up in life and he started crying
- Thread starter NTGYK
- Start date
I sure hope you know his limits. You can never be sure that you can pick up on suicidal depression because many suicides are followed with comments, that I never would have known he was depressed, even though he was my best friend and so.
Well, alternatively, you made someone cry and feel awful about themselves and her deciding to change had little if anything to do with your harsh advice, and you may have triggered something toxic inside of her that may rear its head in the future
Sounds like a situation I was in. This person is caught in a negative loop and can't really escape on their own. They might reach their personal breaking point before finding a way out of the loop. While you should be firm, you should also be really supportive.
I'd be careful about doing that kind of thing at work cause that could've easily had a different ending.
I know you wanna help him OP, but screaming his failures/shortcomings at him which I'm sure he's already aware of isn't going to magically change his mind and do better. You already did your due diligence as a friend by offering him advice over the years, and it's up to him to take action. Ultimately, it is his problem and not yours
Personally, I know someone like him and it's emotionally draining to listen to them bitch about how things aren't going their own way and not do anything about it. They always bring that up every time we hung out, and there was a point where I needed to take a step back before I literally knock some sense into them
Personally, I know someone like him and it's emotionally draining to listen to them bitch about how things aren't going their own way and not do anything about it. They always bring that up every time we hung out, and there was a point where I needed to take a step back before I literally knock some sense into them
Realistically, you'd be surprised who is suffering from depression or is suicidal and you just can't tell. With the way that our society discourages talking about the things that are bothering you and stigmatizes mental health in general, a lot of people who suffer from those thoughts get really good at hiding it when they need to, especially if its been persistent for that long. It also can manifest in people in different ways so what you're seeing in one person may not be the signs that you're seeing in someone else. I can't speak for everything that's going on in his life since I don't know him, but there's a reason you want to recommend him to a therapist already, so its very possible for things that you're just used to from knowing him are things that he needs to work on as well. I'm not going to keep beating you over the head with everything else I've said, but just be careful with how you respond to people reaching out.
While reading through this thread, I think every single one of your posts has mentioned that he called his friend a "pussy." It's almost as if you're personally offended that the OP used that particular word, and you're fixated on your own indignation rather than the actual subject matter.
I mean, I don't recommend calling people that, but it's funny that it seems like you seem like you're doing the same personal catharsis you're accusing the OP of doing.
It's one of the only genuine examples of what was said over the course of the conversation. Sorry of it doesn't strike me a massive red flag regarding the quality of it all.
"he didn't reply because hes at work"
Or maybe you're a dick and hes decided to cut his losses from you
Or maybe you're a dick and hes decided to cut his losses from you
That's my guess. I know I'd do the same if I had been the friend.
I've had two best friends in my life who sound exactly what the OP is describing. The first one overdosed eight years ago and killed himself.
The second one just had no drive in life, and gave no effort. He had a biology degree from a good university but was washing dishes at his University's food court for six years after graduating. Every evening after work he went home and drank himself to death, while getting into one bad relationship after the other. The lifelong friendship ended after his drinking became so severe, his mom (who he was living with) gave him an ultimatum to stop drinking, and put a GPS tracker on his car. He came to visit me for the weekend, but went off most of the time to drink and be with a woman he met on Tinder. His mom messaged me later saying that she knew from the GPS tracker that he wasn't at my place. I gave an answer that amounted to a non-denial, and she threw him out of the house. He was pissed at me, and that was the end of that friendship since pre-school.
I've just learned that some people have no innate drive, and that's something that can't be fixed (or at least, I've never seen it happen). My friend's ledger of virtues-to-vices was so lopsided that his virtues couldn't conquer his vices.
The second one just had no drive in life, and gave no effort. He had a biology degree from a good university but was washing dishes at his University's food court for six years after graduating. Every evening after work he went home and drank himself to death, while getting into one bad relationship after the other. The lifelong friendship ended after his drinking became so severe, his mom (who he was living with) gave him an ultimatum to stop drinking, and put a GPS tracker on his car. He came to visit me for the weekend, but went off most of the time to drink and be with a woman he met on Tinder. His mom messaged me later saying that she knew from the GPS tracker that he wasn't at my place. I gave an answer that amounted to a non-denial, and she threw him out of the house. He was pissed at me, and that was the end of that friendship since pre-school.
I've just learned that some people have no innate drive, and that's something that can't be fixed (or at least, I've never seen it happen). My friend's ledger of virtues-to-vices was so lopsided that his virtues couldn't conquer his vices.
OP
OP
Unlikely. If that's what he did, then fine. It is what it is. I hope he gets his shit together and goes find a way to be happy.
Man, I wish I knew you IRL so I could rant at you for 40 minutes about what a garbage person you're being right now. Get off your high horse and swallow your pride and apologize to that man. Help him in a positive way. Don't give up on him.
Have some fucking empathy, man.
You are extrapolating way too much from the little I said. I'm not ok living in a fantasy land where it's not ok to be straight up with people I care about. I'd rather be honest and lose my friend by giving advice straight up instead of being ignorant tip toeing and avoiding the topic. That's just being immature.
Totally agree with you. I'm really close friends with her outside of work though. I literally view her like a sister and she views me like a brother. She's had my back through rough times outside of work as well.
The theme of this thread at this point seems to be "if he kills himself, it'll definitely be your fault OP and I want to make sure you know that and now I feel better for letting you know that."
Person uses at least two coping mechanism to deal with whatever they're dealing with and you think it's a lack of 'innate drive'? come on man.
You're not really painting a picture of people with no innate drive there. It seems like you had two friends who both struggled with substance abuse, and it's absolutely devastating when people have to deal with that. Like, I'm not sure how you can look at just what you've typed here and see the issue as "no innate drive" unless you think they can just will themselves through alcoholism and substance abuse.
Where the fuck did I say suicide? I said he was cutting OP from his life. Jesus christ dude
OP
OP
Apologize for what? I have had empathy for him for years and still do. I said what I said, I'm not gonna apologize for it and take it back.
I might have been meaner than I wanted to but it's not like I told him to go die in a ditch or that I never want to see him again. I said what I said, I gave the best advice I could, I invited him to a concert next month and said I'd speak to some of the friends that stopped talking to him so they'd be cool with him coming.
What else should I do? You wanna rant at me about me being a garbage person, go ahead.
Not really. The theme of this thread is that there are right and wrong ways to help people with depression, and if someone goes about it the wrong way, then we need to let them know that so that they don't cause more harm in the future. I'm not sure why you're taking a thread like this to turn up the snark in.
Because the irony of the whole thing is incredibly frustrating, and I NEED to know people are aware that they're doing the thing they're bitching at the OP for, making them no better.
When I was 22, my uncle sat me down in the basement during a party. He basically told me I was a fuck up and that I needed to get my shit together. I cried a bit and then thought about what he said. Within a week I was working a sales job, reenrolled in college, and got my life together. Because of that night, I've been with my wife for 20 years, have a son, a home, and am an excutive now. Tough talk works. You did the right thing
You're just not listening to the people in the thread. No one is saying that you can't talk to someone about things that they can improve upon, especially if they're suffering from depression. You just have to be very careful about how you word things, and the way that OP went about it was wrong, and speaking personally from my own experiences with mental health and the experiences of people that I know, the way that he responded is the exact kind of thing that would send people spiraling further into depression, and feed into those suicidal ideation thoughts.
It's possible to be gentle, kind, and still talk to someone about issues that they need to work on, and let them know how much you care. I don't see the irony in that when compared to someone who berated a friend for 40 minutes. I just don't.
OP your friend sounds like a narcissist.
I mean, I don't know how much you know the girlfriend, but I would have serious doubts about the stories he tells about her. How do you think he's managed to coast by and have people trying to support him for so long? By manipulating others to have constant pity parties for him. You've unintentionally enabled him because he's convinced you to always pity him.
Does your friend ever state how much he cares about his image, by any chance?
I mean, I don't know how much you know the girlfriend, but I would have serious doubts about the stories he tells about her. How do you think he's managed to coast by and have people trying to support him for so long? By manipulating others to have constant pity parties for him. You've unintentionally enabled him because he's convinced you to always pity him.
Does your friend ever state how much he cares about his image, by any chance?
OP
OP
It is what it is. I guess I have a pretty good view on my high horse.
And I'm talking to him and he seems fine so shrug.
OP
OP
No, he doesn't care that much about how he looks. He naturally has good metabolism so he looks quite boyish and good looking. He dresses like shit, at least his current girlfriend has decent fashion sense and makes him dress better.
I've expressed the same sentiment, my issue has been with the "you're bad friend", "you're an asshole", "you're dick", "I'd like to yell at you for 40 minutes" people.
no no I don't mean image in terms of how he looks. But image in the sense of how he comes across to others. Like always wants to seem like a nice guy, is a huge people-pleaser, etc.?
I'm actually pretty convinced by now (but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). People like that expect to be pampered and now that he faced some sort of consequence for once he began crying.
I've known someone like that and they half-acknowledge their shitty behavior and loser lifestyle for a second, cry, and then it's the same shit again. People like that are deathly afraid of self-reflection.
Also, have you met his girlfriend? If so, a lot or just a couple times?
Last edited:
OP
OP
Yeah, he cares a lot about being seen as a nice guy and he can be a people pleaser sometimes. He's quite shy and soft-spoken sometimes
Had a "friend" like this too op. Me and our other friends tried to get him to enroll in college, get a job etc. He's apparently content to be a 30 something alcoholic loser with no job who let's his mom pay his rent. Needless to say i cut the dead weight off for unrelated purposes.
OP that's actually narcissistic behavior, believe it or not. Caring a lot about being seen as a nice guy doesn't automatically equate to being a narcissist but it's definitely a narcissistic trait, because that's part of their image, aka how they want to be perceived by other people. Also pls read my edited post I asked some additional questions if you don't mind answering.
This is pretty much me and I don't know how to change. I know I'm a complete fuck up, all because I have no work ethic and can't impel myself to get out of this rut.
It's so weird, because I hate where I've been for so long, yet that hatred, guilt, and dissatisfaction with my stagnation just isn't doing the job of compelling me to actually change it up.
I don't do drugs or alcohol or anything...I just have a pathetic, low-skill job, and spend all my free time browsing the web and occasionally playing a video game. Been doing this for years.
It sucks.
OP
OP
I've met his girlfriend twice, but I've got no interest in meeting her again nor her me.
My friend has told me many times he doesn't enjoy being with her
sounds like what you need is the OP to yell at you for 40 minutes. sounds like it should fix you right up
Then I'd doubt the stories he tells you about her. Because if he victimizes himself with every single situation, wouldn't he victimize himself here, too? Sounds like it to me. "ok well *sniff* gotta go hang out with *sniff* my horrible girlfriend"
And see, how stupid does that sound? If you don't enjoy being with someone then why the fuck are you with them. It's more than just a fear of being lonely it's being extremely selfish
OP
OP
Well, I've met her and she actually is super shitty with him in public and he's shown me some texts from her, so I fully believe she's terrible. He's dated a girl like this before and basically a carbon copy of that situation. She really does treat him like shit, throws shit at him, is paranoid all the time, is older and wants kids, he doesn't, she lied about her interests to get a date with him but they've got nothing in common, etc.
Oh then my bad on that assumption. But even then, it's still very selfish behavior. Why?
Because he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. He avoids self-reflection. Constantly victimizes himself and throws pity parties. Which all together obviously means he doesn't really care about how his behavior is draining others.
Some people love being a victim.
I think he's got issues that go deeper than a strict telling to that doesn't actually address the problem. I'd imagine, if he's anything like me, he well knows what his issues are and knows that he's a fuckup because he's terrified of failure and of ever even trying. I'm like that and still am. I could be living in Japan teaching English if I wasn't so utterly down on myself and living a great adventurous lifestyle but I have ALWAYS felt like nothing. Like a piece of shit that no one values (outside of the typical family support that feels comforting but ultimately meaningless since it is unearned). I've always felt like the least interesting person in the room, like the person with nothing interesting to say. Indeed in many situations going way back to the very first days of school, primary and then secondary, other people have treated me like that, whether by their own force of nature and meanness or my own self propagating timidness.
It's shit and I well know my own failings. My complete lack of faith in myself, how my brain turns to mush the second I'm put on the spot, largely because I'm constantly in terror at the situation I'm in and of making an idiot of myself, even in front of strangers I'll never see again. It's fucking debilitating. I feel for your friend and I think you just don't grasp how differing a view on life and one's self another human being can have. You clearly cannot relate at all and instead take it out on him. It could be a wake up call to him but likely will fuck him up further if he feels like he's losing a good friend.
I don't know how he can sort his life out as I'm still pretty fucked and coasting myself in a shitty low paid job that I know I'm worth more than but am too terrified to ever put myself out there to improve my situation.
It's shit and I well know my own failings. My complete lack of faith in myself, how my brain turns to mush the second I'm put on the spot, largely because I'm constantly in terror at the situation I'm in and of making an idiot of myself, even in front of strangers I'll never see again. It's fucking debilitating. I feel for your friend and I think you just don't grasp how differing a view on life and one's self another human being can have. You clearly cannot relate at all and instead take it out on him. It could be a wake up call to him but likely will fuck him up further if he feels like he's losing a good friend.
I don't know how he can sort his life out as I'm still pretty fucked and coasting myself in a shitty low paid job that I know I'm worth more than but am too terrified to ever put myself out there to improve my situation.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.
I kinda wish I had went in on my brother when he was younger.
He isn't in a terrible place or anything, but is basically living in the middle of nowhere
working a dead-end retail warehouse job.
We have different dads, and I grew up with our mother while he grew up with his dad.
His dad was always way too easy on him and basically never really pushed him to go to college or anything.
On the other side, my mother basically told me she would disown me if I didn't go to college or make something of myself
after high school.
He is a smart guy and would have been fine if he had actually applied himself, but he took the easy way out and regrets it now.
I kinda wish I had went in on my brother when he was younger.
He isn't in a terrible place or anything, but is basically living in the middle of nowhere
working a dead-end retail warehouse job.
We have different dads, and I grew up with our mother while he grew up with his dad.
His dad was always way too easy on him and basically never really pushed him to go to college or anything.
On the other side, my mother basically told me she would disown me if I didn't go to college or make something of myself
after high school.
He is a smart guy and would have been fine if he had actually applied himself, but he took the easy way out and regrets it now.
I think if you tear into someone like that (and probably went on for too long and made it even more personal than it should be since it was half venting on your end more than being concerned for him), you also have to become responsible for helping them build back up. Hopefully you communicated you were still open and willing to be their friend and help them even though what you said was probably a hurtful system shock.
I think tough love is useful, but you do have to use it well.
I think tough love is useful, but you do have to use it well.
Last edited:
I think some people are leaving out the little detail that OP's friend, according to him, regularly fishes for pity.
Nobody gets down on those who just have a hard time getting motivated. Why would they? But incessant complaining about one's own situation while doing nothing to fix it is utterly obnoxious and is likely indicative of a desire for validation rather than a desire to change.
Nobody gets down on those who just have a hard time getting motivated. Why would they? But incessant complaining about one's own situation while doing nothing to fix it is utterly obnoxious and is likely indicative of a desire for validation rather than a desire to change.