I value winning in competitive games too much

[Deleted member 1258]

Something I do very often is play fighting games online, and I enjoy them a lot. More specifically, I enjoy them a lot when I win. I can't have fun with fighting games, or any game in general when I don't come out on top. And as time goes by, I've taken this mentality more and more to heart.

As I've played fighting games, I find myself seeing value in myself whenever I lose, and that my skill as player reflects my value as a person. My losses feel more and more personal when they happen and then they become more and more frequent. It often feels like no matter how much effort I put in, there will always be someone better than me and that starts to make me hate myself. As of very recently, I've found myself starting to smack my head whenever I started to make a single mistake or when I lost. Because of this, I plan to go start seeing a therapist to talk to about my self-esteem and to see why is it I take winning in competition so seriously.

Tl;dr Me being bad at video games has led to self-abuse

 

[Tagyhag]

It's good that you're getting help, I'm no professional but I'm sure it's not just tied to video games and you'll hopefully be able to find an answer with your therapist.

Just, whatever you do, don't touch MOBAs lol.

 

[eXistor]

I can't help you with that other than maybe saying that winning in videogames holds no actual value. If I see leaderboards or other top players, that means nothing to me. It's just a name on a screen that literally has no impact on what I do or why I play videogames. It's just my mindset I suppose and I realise other people think very differently. It's good you are admitting to a problem though, that way you can take steps to fix it.

 

[Beatle]

Good on you for seeking help

People attach their own self worth to money, possessions, jobs, political parties, sports teams, girlfriend/boyfriend, kids abilities, clothes we wear, you name it, it's very common for people to measure themselves this way, but it often results in all sorts of unhealthy anxiety

Good luck, you are not alone, in fact most of us have some of this trait

 

[petran79]

One reason I prefer more relaxing online games, like Shadowverse. Fighting games take a much higher toll. 40 minutes is the most I can handle.
One question though: Would you smack your head if your opponent was live in front of you or a person you know?

 

[Deleted member 24118]

That's why I mostly only play TF2 and Battlefield these days. They're too laid back for me to care.

 

[Deleted member 8001]

I find that generally people who take losing so hard is because it ends up being that the game is really the only major thing they got going on in their life so when they lose that, they're losing practically everything.

 

[Deleted member 1258]

I find that generally people who take losing so hard is because it ends up being that the game is really the only major thing they got going on in their life so when they lose that, they're losing practically everything.

Click to shrink...

This is not inaccurate to me

One reason I prefer more relaxing online games, like Shadowverse. Fighting games take a much higher toll. 40 minutes is the most I can handle.
One question though: Would you smack your head if your opponent was live in front of you or a person you know?

Click to shrink...

I don't know for sure, but I'm afraid the answer might be yes

 

[Prolepro]

I find that generally people who take losing so hard is because it ends up being that the game is really the only major thing they got going on in their life so when they lose that, they're losing practically everything.

Click to shrink...

Why you gotta do me like that...

 

[Deleted member 14377]

Dude, I did that too, hitting my head and getting so worked up about this shit. Cutting competitive games out has been rough, but I've been playing so many story games, single player, catching up on backlog. I've been so much happier. I still have cravings, and it's tough not to go back. I honestly don't even miss it at this point. Hope you feel better about all this soon.

 

[ShadowMurloc]

Take a break from gaming. Recognise it may be affecting your general health.

A counsellor or therapist can definitely put those feelings into perspective for you.

I'm old enough now to know that a little bit of pressure is usually required to "get the job done" but striving for perfection in a video game is a waste of energy

 

[MiguelBañón]

It often feels like no matter how much effort I put in, there will always be someone better than me

Click to shrink...

That's because there will always be someone better than us in every game we play. Is that not the reason why we play competitivly? To try to surpass those who are better than you. Eventually, this encouragement makes you improve and it can even drive you to be better than them!

But this feeling should be kept like that, pure encouragement. If it's affecting your life the way you are telling, you are doing great asking for professional help.

I used to play competitive Pokemon. It is a really stressful game if you play it high level. Even more having into account the "luck factor" that resides on it. You can have a match totally controled and yet lose it because some RNG wasn't in your favor when it should have been. I quited playing it some years ago and it was the best decision of my life.

I wish you the best.

 

[Aprikurt]

I once smashed an Xbox 360 controller because my brother was wiping the floor with me at Tekken.

I don't do that anymore. Take a break. Stop playing competitively. Realise that it's fuuuun.

 

[Juke Joint Jezebel]

One thing I find that helps is to avoid any mode in a game that has a ranking system or skill representation in the form of a number or other value and just play the regular casual modes. Being competitive can be tough by itself but stressing over W/L ratios or rank makes things worse tenfold.

 

[Deleted member 28131]

Understand how you feel man, i punched a hole in a wall once when losing a round of Street Fighter 4 hahah. Something about fighting games hey! Never attached my self worth to it though.

 

[Feral Gingy]

Playing games only to win sounds exhausting. I hope you find some way to enjoy the game regardless of the outcome of a match.

 

[Deleted member 1258]

I once smashed an Xbox 360 controller because my brother was wiping the floor with me at Tekken.

I don't do that anymore. Take a break. Stop playing competitively. Realise that it's fuuuun.

Click to shrink...

Just about any fighting game I've played "just for fun" I end up disliking because I felt like the defeated the purpose of playing a competitive game (and it didn't build up a feeling of superiority)

 

[Aztorian]

I have the same for Rainbow Six Siege. I don't do self-abuse when I lose but I will be cranky afterwards. I will also be mad at my friends in my team for not taking competitive seriously. I will always get the answer: "It's just a game bro." Even though that might be true, there is a casual and a ranked playlist for a reason. Anyway, I hope you can recover from this.

 

[OniBaka]

Taking a small break from fighting games will usually help but I think you need to change your mentality regarding your skills. We all build them up slowly and shouldn't expect to be good straight away. Take dbfz for example, it's only in beta and everyone is still learning, it's ok to be bad or make mistakes. As long as you understand why such and such happens and improve on it.

Also do you go to any local fighting game events? I feel interacting with people and helping each other out in real life can really boost your moral.

It's good you are planning to see a therapist and hopefully you can enjoy fighting games more, win or lose.

 

[ZhugeEX]

Glad to hear you're getting some help OP. It's good that you're able to realise that this is having a negative impact on you and so I hope you're able to work through this.

As others said, talk to someone about this, take a break from competitive gaming for a bit, find other hobbies that make you happy.

At the end of they day, gaming is about having fun. Competitive gaming in moderation is fine. But when it's affecting you negatively you need to step away and work on changing your mindset and approach to gaming.

 

[Deleted member 8001]

Just about any fighting game I've played "just for fun" I end up disliking because I felt like the defeated the purpose of playing a competitive game (and it didn't build up a feeling of superiority)

Click to shrink...

So it appears this also might be an ego issue. You'll have to:

-Realize all of your favorite top players didn't get to where they are without losing thousands of times and grinding out in practice mode for hundreds of hours.
-Realize that victory would be meaningless if it was free and you could take it whenever you want.
-Being able to enjoy the game itself, regardless of what is going on despite the fact you will lose. If you cannot enjoy the game without winning, it means you aren't actually playing the game for the game itself, it could be any game and you could win. I find that to be a big issue and must be noted.
-Stop focusing on superiority, or their superiority over you. You have to be able to take losses in stride, if you see your opponent do something cool to you, don't take it personal, try to enjoy that they actually managed to pull something off against you like that. You have to start inserting these bits of rational positivity, because going into this with just your ego is ruining these games for you.

 

[SABO.]

I also have low self esteem and like to win everything I compete in. If I can't win, I stop competing. I don't inflict pain on myself though :(

Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1258]

Also do you go to any local fighting game events? I feel interacting with people and helping each other out in real life can really boost your moral.

Click to shrink...

I used to until about a week ago, because it would just mean I would lose in person and it would feel more personal, plus the more I lost the less people wanted to play with me

 

[SHØGVN]

A competitive nature doesn't have to be a bad thing, it may be healthier if you apply it to other things in life other than games, like say your career, working out or starting a business.

Having said that I'm a pretty laid back person normally, but after going on a 10 game losing streak in competitive Overwatch I fucking lose my shit

 

[Phoenix RISING]

Something I do very often is play fighting games online, and I enjoy them a lot. More specifically, I enjoy them a lot when I win. I can't have fun with fighting games, or any game in general when I don't come out on top. And as time goes by, I've taken this mentality more and more to heart.

As I've played fighting games, I find myself seeing value in myself whenever I lose, and that my skill as player reflects my value as a person. My losses feel more and more personal when they happen and then they become more and more frequent. It often feels like no matter how much effort I put in, there will always be someone better than me and that starts to make me hate myself. As of very recently, I've found myself starting to smack my head whenever I started to make a single or mistake or when I lost. Because of this, I plan to go start seeing a therapist to talk to about my self-esteem and to see why is it I take winning in competition so seriously.

Tl;dr Me being bad at video games has led to self-abuse

Click to shrink...

All of this is me.

Like wow I thought I was the only one

 

[MagnesG]

At time like this that you had to cheat everything out.

I mean in offline play.

 

[Mendrox]

Something I do very often is play fighting games online, and I enjoy them a lot. More specifically, I enjoy them a lot when I win. I can't have fun with fighting games, or any game in general when I don't come out on top. And as time goes by, I've taken this mentality more and more to heart.

As I've played fighting games, I find myself seeing value in myself whenever I lose, and that my skill as player reflects my value as a person. My losses feel more and more personal when they happen and then they become more and more frequent. It often feels like no matter how much effort I put in, there will always be someone better than me and that starts to make me hate myself. As of very recently, I've found myself starting to smack my head whenever I started to make a single or mistake or when I lost. Because of this, I plan to go start seeing a therapist to talk to about my self-esteem and to see why is it I take winning in competition so seriously.

Tl;dr Me being bad at video games has led to self-abuse

Click to shrink...

It's good to see that you are getting help, but just to let you feel a little bit better about yourself - It's totally normal to be frustrated about losing at something which is important to you. Nothing to be ashamed of. Also be lucky that you just hit your head. I myself pull my mouse up and put it down again with a little bit of force and rage everytime I get bullshitted at an online FPS. A friend of mine has destroyed 3 displays so far and another one of my friends has to be new keyboards every other week.

 

[Rickenslacker]

I find that generally people who take losing so hard is because it ends up being that the game is really the only major thing they got going on in their life so when they lose that, they're losing practically everything.

Click to shrink...

Mhm, I was going to bring this up as well as this was definitely the case with me earlier in my life when video games and my attachment to them as an identity were at their largest. It's important to create some perspective and realize for oneself that you may lose, but it does not define you as a person. It is okay, it will be okay.

 

[valentine]

3s in WoW Arena is prob the most unhealthy lmao

 

[Deleted member 17643]

I know the feeling OP. A lot of the time I take things super personally in competitive games, and it takes a lot of effort to get out of my own head. I hate feeling inferior to somebody when I'm trying super hard, but I understand how futile that mindset really is.

People are going to be more skilled than you, sometimes with far less effort, in EVERYTHING. You can only truly "win" by being a better version of yourself.

Edit: My personal worst case for this was DPS meters in World of Warcraft. They were infuriating on so many levels.

 

[QisTopTier]

Losing isn't about putting yourself down it's about making notes and using it as a lesson. Not even the best players always win. In fighting game growth losing and learning why you lost is how you win more often. Unless you are in a tournament you need to lighten up and treat everything as practice matches. They exist for you to grow not just win

 

[Gelf]

I find this interesting as my own low self esteem issues actually make fighting games one of the few multiplayer experiences I can tolerate. I go into them expecting to lose every match so if I actually win some I'm happy. I pre-emptively put myself down which isn't healthy either though.

Team based games I feel like a horrible burden to my team at all times and I can't really cope with that. I can't stand the feeling of letting others down.

 

[Deleted member 9971]

I normally do so too tbh, but there is one game were i care more about the fun and yup that's Splatoon :P i do my best ofcourse but ultimately i always have fun even when i lose sure sometimes i dislike a lose or like a win sure but overall i don't mind it in that franchise.

Even in ranked mode i don't care about it.

However i do like spankin everyone to splattereens with that Octo Brush weapon, feels so satisfying.

 

[Skronk]

Fighting games online are way too infuriating for me, I had to stop playing MKX because of this. I'm totally different when playing with friends though, I don't mind losing at all then.

 

[Hero of the Wild]

I used to really be into quake 3 and unreal tournament, but REALLY into Jedi Knight and Jedi academy multiplayer. I was pretty good and took it way more seriously than I should have but thankfully never had any anger issues or similar. Now I can't be bothered with competitive multiplayer games, as I'm getting older I find they raise my stress levels and I feel bad if I don't do as well as I think I should be doing.

Most games now days I'm normal mode or easy for single player aswell. I just don't do competitive multiplayer anymore.

 

[Joeyro]

I'm kinda the similar way with team based competitive games, I don't hurt my self but i do get very "salty" when I'm playing solo. That's why I moved to fighting games or play free for all in COD for example because when i lose it's because of my self and it relaxes me for some reason.

 

[justiceiro]

Well, they are competitive. One thing that canal help is play with casual friends. Theirs laugh will dimish your hurdles.

 

[Deleted member 10551]

I understand this. It's a normal human reaction.

 

[iRAWRasaurus]

There will always be someone better than you. Don't let it get to you this much.

 

[justjustni]

glad you're getting help, op.

my nerves used to act up during multiplayer games— my whole body would shart shivering right before a game of starcraft for example. eventually i learned to see my opponent as just a really smart and interesting computer-controlled character. like a really well-programmed, challenging boss that i would enjoy going up against. theres really no fundamental difference in a videogame setting, and it helped me feel less like i was performing and more like just playing any singleplayer game. i accept and welcome defeat in singleplayer games, so i realized it should be just the same in multiplayer.

i dont know if that thinking will be helpful for you, but i wanted to share it just in case it makes a difference.

 

[Raysoul]

Good for OP to seek help and speak out regarding this behavior. I played fighting games in the arcade and encountered people that rage when losing. Feeling salty when losing is natural, but banging the arcade machine is another case.

Luckily for me, I feel the opposite. I'm actually excited to fight strong opponents, that even losing to them feels fun. The only thing that annoys me greatly is online lag.

 

[Kioshen]

I might not gone as far as doing self-abuse like OP but I am currently in a similar situation. You have no idea how much this means to me. I salute you for sharing this and know that you are not alone dealing with those feelings. I also played fighting games for a while and for some reason thought playing mobas would have been a better idea. All of the tips in this thread are insightful and I wish I could contribute more other than echoing what was already said.

 

[PrimeBeef]

I am enjoying competitive gaming more since HotS and OW came out. But I have never really cared for winning or losing. I mean I try to do my best each time out, but if I win or lose it doesn't really get me up or down. I'm just having fun playing the games. Sure it can be frustration when you have throwers and trolls on your side but that is to be expected these days. For those who take it too seriously I do encourage you to seek help. While gaming is fun, it is not everything and certainly not worth doing something harmful to yourself or others over.

 

[Dogui]

Try to play some cooperative stuff instead of pvp some time. L4D2 is great because everyone wins at the end, or loses, but together nonetheless.

 

[Weltall Zero]

The obvious first step is completely stop playing competitives games, like right now. Your mental health and self-worth is infinitely more important than a videogame. If you find yourself unable to stop playing them, then that's a separate issue that's probably more important and merits being addressed first.

 

[Deleted member 11985]

Losing sucks, but one good thing about it is that it creates excellent learning opportunities. In an attempt to convert losses from something you hate into something you value, you could try recording your matches and analyzing each loss immediately after it happens. This would have the added benefit of decreasing the number of games you play in a single session, which would then expose you to less losses in a single session, by extension.

You should also try doing the deep breaths and countdown from 10 thing whenever you feel rage building up.

But, having said that, it is also possible that the rage will never go away. Even when trying to change losses into positive experiences to learn from. If that's the case, then you may want to take a break from competitive gaming for a while. You don't have to leave forever, but you definitely shouldn't let games have this much of a grip over your self worth. The games will always be there for you to come back to, whenever.

 

[Feral]

what worked for me is just not losing, ever
but more seriously -

This is not inaccurate to me

Click to shrink...

this might be the root of your problem. Do you have hobbies outside of gaming?

 

[Deleted member 8722]

I get where you're coming from. I think I need to stop playing multiplayers too as much as I like em. Thatbks for the post OP.

 

[Wrynn]

I know it's easier said than done, but you should try to stop playing games in a competitive way altogether. If you stop and think, these kind of games only bring frustration and anger whenever you play them, even if you manage to be good and win most matches. Unless you are a professional player, you are wasting your time playing games that way because there is no reward for all that stress, aside from a few useless ingame rewards.

You should feel proud for things you accomplish in real life and not in a game that makes you sad, angry and dettached from things in life that matters like family, relationship, career and friends.

Remember that games are supposed to be fun, not make you anxious, sad or angered.

It's good that you already searched for help, that's a very good first step.

 

[Carlius]

i stopped playing sfiv and v cause i cant handle the rage when i lose lmao. plus, getting old doesnt really help.