Liberty
Justice
PG rated sports dramas
In the annals of American folklore, few characters personify these principles more than King of the Hill's own Hank Hill. He's one of the nation's most beloved family men. A church goer who balks at committing the smallest of offenses, like clocking out from work 10 minutes early on a Friday, or recording baseball games without the express written consent of the MLB. He's taught millions of Americans to mow their lawns instead of doing drugs. His impact on society is seemingly incalculable.
So earlier this year, when Hulu finally brought King of the Hill back to streaming, I was beside myself. Finally, in this turbulent age of mass hysteria, Jesus Christ's own Hank Hill was going to come save the day.
Well let me tell you, when I actually started watching the series, I was shocked and appalled- Nay, I was emphatically shocked and appalled.
Hank Hill, beneath his shiny veneer, is a petty criminal. It's all meticulously documented in his documentary series. I've poured over the footage and took notes on every offense that any goodly Christian would take offense at. I will attempt to type it out here, but please excuse me if I have a difficult time writing such filth with my own goodly hands:
S01E03 - Tried to hide a dead whooping crane from authorities
S01E10 - Bought cigarettes for Bobby
S02E04 - Vandalized a respectable church lady's home
S02E05 - Lied to authorities about buying crack as fish bait
S02E15 - Skipped the bill of a hotel in Mexico and 🚨 crossed the border illegally 🚨 (Lord in Heaven!)
S02E21 - Assaulted the race track concession stand manager
S03E08 - Let Bobby drive his truck on a public road
S03E10 - Opened a fire hydrant to hose kids down and lied to authorities about how the firehouse burned down
S03E12 - Vandalized a bridge with graffiti
S03E13 - Entered a secure area with Khan and shared military secrets with his friends
S03E16 - Assaulted a man with a horny dolphin
Excuse me... excuse me. I just need a moment here... I'm just... I'm quivering right now as I write this list, just thinking of the children... Ok, I think I can continue now:
S03E20 - Stole Dale's lawnmower
S04E10 - Stole three tanks of propane from Strickland Propane
S04E14 - Lied to authorities about smoking pot with the roommate of Strickland's adultress
S05E18 - Failed to notify authorities after accidentally dumping Boomhauer's car in the quarry
S06E03 - Failed to notify authorities after Peggy accidentally smuggled a child from Mexico across the border
S06E13 - Drove the tank Bill stole back to the base instead of reporting it to the military
S06E16 - Coerced Peggy into violating her non-disclosure agreement with Alamo beer, and then acted on the sensitive information he obtained
S06E17- Continued to participate in Strickland's emu insurance fraud after learning it was fraud
S08E14 - Helped Octavio commit insurance fraud while acting as Dale's representative
S10E02 - Neglected to inform authorities after Peggy listed ingredients to mustard gas in her helpful hints column of the newspaper
S10E09 - Assaulted Khan
S10E10 - Undermined the state investigation into Arlen's propane price fixing scheme (known as the Heimlich Four for the four propane companies in Arlen)
S11E09 - Neglected to inform authorities that Dale was building bombs
S12E01 - Sat in box seats he didn't pay for at the Texas vs. Nebraska game, then trespassed through the stadium
S12E11 - Helped operate an illegal food truck with Strickland
S12E19 - Entered the engine room of a moving train and intentionally distracted the driver
S13E14 - Bought illegal fireworks and vandalized properties on Milton Street
S13E18 - Operated a riding lawn mower while drunk
S13E24 - Bought illegal drugs off the street for Khan's manic depression
Series wide - Neglected to inform authorities that Dale had stolen Rusty Shackleford's identity
Well, there you have it folks. Mr. Hank Hill, finally exposed for the real "man" that he is. In the words of the beautiful, intellectual Peggy Hill, who doesn't deserve to be associated with such lawlessness: No me gustar, Hank Hill. No me gustar.
Justice
PG rated sports dramas
In the annals of American folklore, few characters personify these principles more than King of the Hill's own Hank Hill. He's one of the nation's most beloved family men. A church goer who balks at committing the smallest of offenses, like clocking out from work 10 minutes early on a Friday, or recording baseball games without the express written consent of the MLB. He's taught millions of Americans to mow their lawns instead of doing drugs. His impact on society is seemingly incalculable.
So earlier this year, when Hulu finally brought King of the Hill back to streaming, I was beside myself. Finally, in this turbulent age of mass hysteria, Jesus Christ's own Hank Hill was going to come save the day.
Well let me tell you, when I actually started watching the series, I was shocked and appalled- Nay, I was emphatically shocked and appalled.
Hank Hill, beneath his shiny veneer, is a petty criminal. It's all meticulously documented in his documentary series. I've poured over the footage and took notes on every offense that any goodly Christian would take offense at. I will attempt to type it out here, but please excuse me if I have a difficult time writing such filth with my own goodly hands:
S01E03 - Tried to hide a dead whooping crane from authorities
S01E10 - Bought cigarettes for Bobby
S02E04 - Vandalized a respectable church lady's home
S02E05 - Lied to authorities about buying crack as fish bait
S02E15 - Skipped the bill of a hotel in Mexico and 🚨 crossed the border illegally 🚨 (Lord in Heaven!)
S02E21 - Assaulted the race track concession stand manager
S03E08 - Let Bobby drive his truck on a public road
S03E10 - Opened a fire hydrant to hose kids down and lied to authorities about how the firehouse burned down
S03E12 - Vandalized a bridge with graffiti
S03E13 - Entered a secure area with Khan and shared military secrets with his friends
S03E16 - Assaulted a man with a horny dolphin
Excuse me... excuse me. I just need a moment here... I'm just... I'm quivering right now as I write this list, just thinking of the children... Ok, I think I can continue now:
S03E20 - Stole Dale's lawnmower
S04E10 - Stole three tanks of propane from Strickland Propane
S04E14 - Lied to authorities about smoking pot with the roommate of Strickland's adultress
S05E18 - Failed to notify authorities after accidentally dumping Boomhauer's car in the quarry
S06E03 - Failed to notify authorities after Peggy accidentally smuggled a child from Mexico across the border
S06E13 - Drove the tank Bill stole back to the base instead of reporting it to the military
S06E16 - Coerced Peggy into violating her non-disclosure agreement with Alamo beer, and then acted on the sensitive information he obtained
S06E17- Continued to participate in Strickland's emu insurance fraud after learning it was fraud
S08E14 - Helped Octavio commit insurance fraud while acting as Dale's representative
S10E02 - Neglected to inform authorities after Peggy listed ingredients to mustard gas in her helpful hints column of the newspaper
S10E09 - Assaulted Khan
S10E10 - Undermined the state investigation into Arlen's propane price fixing scheme (known as the Heimlich Four for the four propane companies in Arlen)
S11E09 - Neglected to inform authorities that Dale was building bombs
S12E01 - Sat in box seats he didn't pay for at the Texas vs. Nebraska game, then trespassed through the stadium
S12E11 - Helped operate an illegal food truck with Strickland
S12E19 - Entered the engine room of a moving train and intentionally distracted the driver
S13E14 - Bought illegal fireworks and vandalized properties on Milton Street
S13E18 - Operated a riding lawn mower while drunk
S13E24 - Bought illegal drugs off the street for Khan's manic depression
Series wide - Neglected to inform authorities that Dale had stolen Rusty Shackleford's identity
Well, there you have it folks. Mr. Hank Hill, finally exposed for the real "man" that he is. In the words of the beautiful, intellectual Peggy Hill, who doesn't deserve to be associated with such lawlessness: No me gustar, Hank Hill. No me gustar.
