I'm needlessly antagonistic on Era, and I don't know why.

[Deleted member 46489]

When I say I don't know why, I don't mean to blame the platform in any way. This is ABSOLUTELY a personal failing. Just one I can't figure out the source of.

I have been an asshole quite a few times here, and I have caught well-deserved bans for it. But I'm not like that to people in real life at all.

I know that being anonymous online can change the behavior of people. But the thing is, I'm anonymous on Reddit and Twitter as well. and yet, I've never been rude to anyone on those platforms over the many years I've used them. If a person is bothering me, I just log off.

I believe in empathy and kindness, and loving and respecting others by the virtue of their humanity. I have worked in social service and at NGOs, and I try to be a better person everyday than I was yesterday.

And yet, somehow, I'm an insufferable ass on Era. And I have to own that.

Some other folks here can be like that as well. But not everyone. Fat4all isn't going around insulting people in threads, is he?

Perhaps I should just log off Era and not engage here. But the thing is, I love video games. And I love how passionate all of you are about them. I grew up with no one to share that love with, so I cherish this community.

Maybe there's no secret to assholery. Maybe it's just a daily decision to NOT be an asshole everytime one posts. Maybe it's self-control. Maybe Fat4all goes for a walk when he feels angry at someone on Era. Maybe I just need to do better.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps others could use this thread to reflect on their own experiences on Era?

 

[Mantrox]

That happens to me sometimes as well OP.

I write a lot of stuff that i don't end up posting.
Maybe try and read again before posting to see if what you're saying needs to be said or if it couldn't be conveyed another way.
That's what usually works for me.

 

[Dan Thunder]

But the thing is, I love video games. And I love how passionate all of you are about them. I grew up with no one to share that love with, so I cherish this community.

Click to shrink...

There's your answer. People are always more passionate around their interests. Given the anonymity and ease with which comments can be misconstrued it's not hard to see why antagonistic behaviour can become people's default when on a forum about their hobbies. An innocuous comment in real life can be easily brushed off when you hear it, when it's typed it's open to the reader's interpretation of meaning and tone.

Maybe just consider why comments from strangers on this particular subject wind you up so much.

 

[Weiss]

I think it's important to recognize some of the factors here. Being on an anonymous forum makes it easy to be an asshole, and not dealing with the same people every time makes it even easier to get away with it. I hang out mostly in my OTs which have an established community, and we all get along there because we all know each other at that point.

I am also someone who got way too heated and picking fights because I didn't recognize the people around me as people, just names on a forum who were pissing me off, and it might be a contributing factor that ERA does tackle some sensitive subject matter wherein strong opinions are held across the spectrum.

I ate progressively less bans as time went on and now it's been a year for me, and the one before that was like eight or so months. Meanwhile a friend of mine here got perma'd because, even though he was a good dude, he really just could not keep his temper under control as he ate harsher and harsher bans until eventually it stuck.

So I think the most important advice I could give would to be try and recognize your own emotional state before posting something, especially if it's an argument and even moreso if it's one you have strong feelings towards. If you have a problem with someone else, and it's worth having a mod look at it, let them handle it instead of arguing with them yourself.

 

[Caspar]

I like to write the asshole post but not post it, just leave it for 5 minutes. I usually find my mindset has changed to ‘fuck it, it’s not worth it’ within that time and I’ll just delete and move on.

It would be so much easier if other people didn’t have wrong opinions on video games though.

 

[Wackamole]

Sure, happens to the best of us.
Fat4all kills puppies in real life. You know that, right?

 

[Zombine]

Avoid threads that may trigger that sort of response from you. It’s okay and you don’t have to reply to everything. Also, if you find something someone said to trigger a negative response from you, ask yourself if it’s worth it to respond to that message or if you are misinterpreting the message because it’s hard to tell tone through text. If I find something to be particularly insulting or off putting, I don’t engage and just report and move on.

In regards to my own posting habits, I adjusted my character a bit from the other place but I still post silly things to make people laugh. I’d prefer to go that way instead of being a jerk.

 

[Mint]

Every forum or platform needs an are you are you sure you want to post this pop up.

 

[Deleted member 46489]

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I'll take all the good advice you've given me and work on my online behavior.

Sure, happens to the best of us.
Fat4all kills puppies in real life. You know that, right?

Click to shrink...

Ah, I feel much better. Thanks.

 

[astro]

When I say I don't know why, I don't mean to blame the platform in any way. This is ABSOLUTELY a personal failing. Just one I can't figure out the source of.

I have been an asshole quite a few times here, and I have caught well-deserved bans for it. But I'm not like that to people in real life at all.

I know that being anonymous online can change the behavior of people. But the thing is, I'm anonymous on Reddit and Twitter as well. and yet, I've never been rude to anyone on those platforms over the many years I've used them. If a person is bothering me, I just log off.

I believe in empathy and kindness, and loving and respecting others by the virtue of their humanity. I have worked in social service and at NGOs, and I try to be a better person everyday than I was yesterday.

And yet, somehow, I'm an insufferable ass on Era. And I have to own that.

Some other folks here can be like that as well. But not everyone. Fat4all isn't going around insulting people in threads, is he?

Perhaps I should just log off Era and not engage here. But the thing is, I love video games. And I love how passionate all of you are about them. I grew up with no one to share that love with, so I cherish this community.

Maybe there's no secret to assholery. Maybe it's just a daily decision to NOT be an asshole everytime one posts. Maybe it's self-control. Maybe Fat4all goes for a walk when he feels angry at someone on Era. Maybe I just need to do better.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Perhaps others could use this thread to reflect on their own experiences on Era?

Click to shrink...

I'm similar. I never get into the kind of arguments IRL that I do on Era. This is partly because I am sometimes browsing Era while I am at home dealing with chronic fatigue and pain and my ability to catch myself is diminished, but it's also something I do when I am not experiencing this and something that I allow to happen and I've been trying to get on top of it.

One thing that I do that I want to stop is if I see someone being hypocritical in a righteous way, or being too forceful with their opinions, I will call it out.. but in the same tone which honestly makes me just as bad. I then get pissed if someone calls me out and not the person who sparked it, which leads me to get righteous and into an argument loop that's an even worse kind of arseholery. Been banned for it a few times, deservedly.

So, yeh... I wouldn't worry about it too much. You are aware of it, you are trying to not do it. This doesn't make you a terrible person, but it will make you someone people won't enjoy being around/discussing with. This forum itself doesn't have the benefit of hearing tone, being in person with someone, we're detached and it's very hard to see anything but aggro words or obnoxious behaviour when we read that kind of text, in person there are a whole lot more factors involved, but here all we have are the words you choose to leave on the page so it's something we all to be mindful of.

I someone people in voice chat who has seen me be an argumentative jerk on Era and they told me they were surprised I was chill in person, haha, that helped put it into perspective for me.

I'm currently doing two things that help, trying to make them habitual for the times where I have no patience due to external factors and I really shouldn't be posting... first is to always try to acknowledge the other person and make them feel heard, so it's not a case of me just trying to talk over them, the second is to write my post out, save it, then move on to another thread for a while and come back. I've written a few posts that were needlessly combative that I caught using the latter technique.

 

[TransEuropaExpress]

Yeah but it's not like you're the asshole in a bubble. There's a general air about many, or most honestly, threads on ERA where they start combative and just escalate from there with nonstop one-upmanship. It gets people riled up and creates a snowball effect, I often get caught in that too and I'm a damn 30+ year old adult with a full-time job and a damn kid...I should know better.

Sorry but as much as I like posting about my favorite hobby here, ERA collectively has an attitude problem just not in the same way as other outlets may. We substitute straight-up aggression with insanely smug passive-aggressiveness and extreme condescension. The only thing more mature and civil about ERA is that we're better at thinly veiling disdain rather just flat-out being allowed to call someone a fucking asshole.

I swear I've read some posts I've made, or got banned for, and wonder why I even vaguely cared enough to engage with an argument about a healing system in a videogame, or whatever it may be, and I have no idea either. So anyway, you're not alone in this 'huh, I am an asshole online too!' moment.

 

[oni-link]

To be fair there are some posters that take the least charitable interpretation of things people say to stir up tension and that understandably gets peoples backs up. This is a great forum on the whole, but there are some trolls here and there are just some posters that are pretty much unbearable

I feel like I used to post in more argumentative manner, but a few years ago I just decided to try and be nicer

Getting into an argument with someone is just a waste of time, means you check your phone every 5 mins to see if the other person has replied and then you launch into a reply yourself. Once all is said and done you've basically just wasted an hour of your life

When you step back and think about it, it often doesn't matter. If I'm arguing with someone who thinks games should be $100 or lootboxes are not gambling or that every game should be remade, it's not really conductive to productive or interesting discussion, and so it's easy to say your piece and then bounce, leaving those with their terrible opinions to themselves

 

[KillLaCam]

I am almost doing that on here a lot too. But I’ll usually delete it before I post.

I like Era a lot but I also get really annoyed from some of the posts on here, more than other websites and things (I guess cuz the stupid stuff is more normal on other websites/social media) so when I see it here I get a lot more annoyed. But it’s not worth being hostile or anything .

 

[moblin]

This forum community has had a distinctly antagonistic tilt (outside of the individual communities) since the back half of the GAF days, in a way a lot of people feel they have to be assholes just to fit in.

 

[Fat4all]

Fat4all isn't going around insulting people in threads, is he?

Click to shrink...

only cats

Fat4all kills puppies in real life. You know that, right?

Click to shrink...

i eat them afterwards at least, nothing goes to waste

 

[DanteMenethil]

I used to be a very argumentative type of person online, especially on Reddit. Nowadays I almost immediately disengage whenever quotes me in an argumentative tone. Whoever is right or wrong, it's just not worth it.

 

[astro]

Yeah but it's not like you're the asshole in a bubble. There's a general air about many, or most honestly, threads on ERA where they start combative and just escalate from there with nonstop one-upmanship. It gets people riled up and creates a snowball effect, I often get caught in that too and I'm a damn 30+ year old adult with a full-time job and a damn kid...I should know better.

Click to shrink...

This, very much. Plenty of regular people on this site engage in needless antagonism, and almost all of those people can also be nice/kind/supportive at times too. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, from us or them, but it is something to be aware of so you don't end up beating yourself up too much for it while you try to do better.

 

[Vulcano's Assistant]

My rule of thumb is to avoid making other people's thought process the topic of your posts.
If someone says something you disagree with, only address what they said; not what you think is going through their head. Commenting on how you imagine they reached that conclusion always sounds like an insult.

 

[AnansiThePersona]

If you think the other person is an asshole being an asshole back feels like drugs

 

[Imperfected]

You're trying to develop a hot-blooded rivalry. I understand that. It's a necessary part of your eventual redemption arc.

 

[ShadowAUS]

Definitely feel you on this. I'm never as overly sarcastic, acerbic or defensive anywhere else in my life online or off, as I am on Era.

There's just something really strange about the culture and overall vibe that often finds it home here that always makes things feel so much more... antagonistic*? Like everyone is always looking for ways in which everyone else is imperfect, ways to discredit them, ways to poke at them, ways to use others to make us feel better about ourselves, etc. I do it just as much as anyone. And the thing is, I know for a fact it really is something about either this community, or this type of environment because I know several other posters here from other areas or life or the internet, and it's the exact same seeing how they act in the other avenues I know them, versus on here. It's like 90% of peoples time on Era tends to be spent in one of two modes, super aggressive, or super defensive - it's also one of the reasons I take long breaks from posting on here, it really does get to me after a little while in a way I've never experienced online or IRL before.

I unno, that's just my two cents.

 

[PS9]

My backspace key gets a hell of a workout on here before I make a post. That's the best advice I can give lol

 

[jetpacks was yes]

We've been socially conditioned on the internet to be rude assholes. Sort of like how when you're in a car you'll yell fuck off to a bad driver but wouldn't do that if you were walking in front of them.

Good on you for recognizing it though! Shows a lot of growth and maturity, I think.

I used to be such an online asshole.

 

[Stoney Mason]

I find blocking threads or posters that trigger me, stops me from engaging with people who annoy me. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

[Rosebud]

Are you me? That's something I noticed about my posts some time ago and also don't understand.

 

[RecRoulette]

Sure, happens to the best of us.
Fat4all kills puppies in real life. You know that, right?

Click to shrink...

I hear he's not even a real dog.

 

[WyLD iNk]

What, you think you're better than me?

But yeah, sometimes I find myself reading something that just... sets me off, and my knee jerk reaction to say something kicks in, and I catch myself. I consequently don't post much because of it.

 

[WriterInTheDark]

I agree OP, I feel like that on here, specially when someone is needlessly antagonistic towards me first. I find the best response is just to step away from it for half an hour, let yourself cool down. Your desire to post back usually dissipates.

 

[Spinluck]

When I say I don't know why, I don't mean to blame the platform in any way. This is ABSOLUTELY a personal failing. Just one I can't figure out the source of.

I have been an asshole quite a few times here, and I have caught well-deserved bans for it. But I'm not like that to people in real life at all.

Click to shrink...

This is most people.

 

[GoemonTheNinja]

I tend to be the same, so I just started ignoring a crazy amount of insufferable threads. It really helps. I hope there's no ignore thread limits.

 

[lil jetski]

Been banned twice for ”antagonizing users”, both instances in veganism threads (GO VEGAN). I’ve felt a weird sense of freedom during these periods so I’ve decided to continue being needlessly hostile.

 

[Zeshakag]

My rule of thumb is to avoid making other people's thought process the topic of your posts.
If someone says something you disagree with, only address what they said; not what you think is going through their head. Commenting on how you imagine they reached that conclusion always sounds like an insult.

Click to shrink...

This is a good tip.

I've also ignored threads with topics/OP's where the only appropriate response is "Fuck that guy/entity". All it does is create an escalation of who can be the most righteously angry at something.

 

[TransEuropaExpress]

So basically being an asshole on ERA is like that moment when you just came after watching porn and just hate yourself for a good 10 seconds before getting turned on again by the crazy shit on screen.

 

[Alien Bob]

Yeah, same problem here. Although not so much hostility as just being relentlessly snarky. There's just something being on the internet does to my brain. A good 60% of the posts I write never get posted, and I'm happy Era at least lets me ignore threads that I know will get me to indulge, because I use that feature liberally.

 

[astro]

There's that saying that kinda goes like: if everyone you meet today is an arsehole, you are the common factor.

If you find yourself getting into arguments with people often, then it means you are argumentative. If those arguments are often hostile, it means you are at the very least inviting hostility or actively engaging with it. Etc...

If you try to keep this in mind it can help you avoid confrontations you would have previously escalated.

If you think the other person is an asshole being an asshole back feels like drugs

Click to shrink...

This so much, lol.

What feels like better drugs, though, is just being a pleasent person. Having productive, friendly, positive debates with people and seeing them thank you for the chat and both moving away having considered something new is so much more affirming.

 

[PJV3]

This place can get strangely hostile about the daftest things.
If you're going to be an asshole then be entertaining and slightly ridiculous.

 

[Sanka]

Since early on when I started interacting with people online I put a mental block in my head. So that I will never say something online that I would never be fine with saying to someone irl. To me anything but that would be cowardice and hiding behind a screen to vent at people.

 

[The Awesomest]

I'm glad you're able to recognize thus in yourself, OP. It's a conversation that more people need to have.

 

[Fat4all]

the truth is op I just hate hating stuff. i get frazzled and frustrated sometimes, but i really dislike stress and focusing on hating things is super stressful to me. i spend a good chunk of time unwinding with things i love, reading, listening to podcasts, watching sad youtube videos about pets getting adopted and having a nice cry

i focus a lot on unwinding and not racking my head over things like “i should think of what to say to that jerk in that one thread”

you should always be mindful to listen to people if they say you stepped out of line in some way or another, but having the consciousness to know when to not engage with people who will only drive you up the wall is something worth trying to learn as well, it will save you many a headache

 

[Working yet?]

To be fair, this forum is much smaller than reddit, so you are more likely to identify users. Users you get along with and users you'd much rather be without. It is very unfortunate, however, when posters find it easier to attack a user than an argument. One, because it makes you look stupid in the process. And two, because it incentivises similar behaviour.

Different people have different thresholds, too. Your upbringing, culture, personality, etc can influence this.

 

[ara]

The ignore thread/user function is fantastic and I would heartily recommend everyone to go to town with it (although I wish you could still see threads made by ignored users in the thread list)

 

[Chopchop]

I think it's an internet thing that needs to be curbed. For whatever reason, there's a social pressure to turn every disagreement into the biggest, louding pissing contest possible.

People aren't just like "I don't agree with that. I think ____ instead because ____." Instead, it's always drenched in as much angry condescension as possible. People always inject phrases like "sorry, miss me with that shit. Imagine thinking this. Did you ever read what you wrote? I can't help but laugh when someone thinks this." as often as they can.

Maybe it's because rage is considered a form of entertainment on the internet, or because people have a lot of underlying anger these days. When someone lashes out at you really hard over the slightest non-conforming thought, they aren't really lashing out as just you, but they're lashing out at everyone who has ever slighted them on that topic ever. You're not just taking the disagreement, but you're probably also taking all the shit that they never got to say to someone else.

This happens everywhere on the internet, but I think it varies between communities because it's self perpetuating. The more people around you act like this, the more you want to do it yourself. It could be a defensive thing because if everyone is going around looking for a fight, you don't want to look like an easy mark.

The size and amount of familiarity in a community probably contributes to this. On Era, people are generally much nicer to each other in OTs than they are in gaming or off-topic. Maybe because the communities are smaller and people are more familiar with each other.

I see people acting like assholes on reddit too, so if you're nicer there, then maybe you're on some of the nicer subreddits.

 

[bremon]

I tend to get heated once in a while but generally try to leave a message typed up for a couple minutes if I’m unsure of it, and then re-read it, and generally I end up editing or not posting it because I don’t like feeling upset, so it’s better not to incite that same feeling in others. Discussion can be passionate and divisive while still being civil but to keep that tone I need to take time to properly layout my thoughts rather than flying off the handle.

 

[Baccus]

Totally understandable OP. What I've noticed is that a significant number of threads on Era are about bad stuff and/or bad people so sentiments are mostly charged. And God knows there's a lot to be mad about. Try to participate in lighter threads!

 

[ZackieChan]

The ignore thread/user function is fantastic and I would heartily recommend everyone to go to town with it (although I wish you could still see threads made by ignored users in the thread list)

Click to shrink...

Can we ignore our own posts tho

 

[FF Seraphim]

OP a good way to help this is always read and reread what you write before you hit the post reply. Helps me a lot to make sure im not being an ass, most of the time. We are all human we all slip up.

 

[Fat4all]

Can we ignore our own posts tho

Click to shrink...

even if you could would your mind ever let you forget?

 

[ara]

Can we ignore our own posts tho

Click to shrink...

You can do anything you want to as long as you put your mind to it!

(No.)

 

[Zeshakag]

I think people on this forum are moreso passionate about their thing than in other corners of the internet. There's a lot of empathy as well here, and I can see posts from people that seem like they are carrying the entire burden of their cause/artwork/hobby on their shoulders. For the former it's often systemic issues of incredible scope that cannot be possibly be solved by one human's infinite emotional burden, and that can be tiring. I used to do that for things that mattered much less like certain video games and that was exhausting and I remember it made me irritable and snappy, because i was investing all of this thought and emotion to this thing and now this person is going to just roll up and say ignorant stuff?

A way I got out of this was just to like the things I like, and for heavier issues, the knowledge that large change requires a bit of action for everyone, and past a certain point your emotional suffering for an issue becomes meaningless. Those burdens can force a person to operate at a constant 10 and can actually make you counter productive in your efforts towards remediating the issue of your focus, and you can also end up negatively affecting the messaging of your passion to your guest or laymen.

 

[Dan Thunder]

Yeah but it's not like you're the asshole in a bubble. There's a general air about many, or most honestly, threads on ERA where they start combative and just escalate from there with nonstop one-upmanship. It gets people riled up and creates a snowball effect, I often get caught in that too and I'm a damn 30+ year old adult with a full-time job and a damn kid...I should know better.

Sorry but as much as I like posting about my favorite hobby here, ERA collectively has an attitude problem just not in the same way as other outlets may. We substitute straight-up aggression with insanely smug passive-aggressiveness and extreme condescension. The only thing more mature and civil about ERA is that we're better at thinly veiling disdain rather just flat-out being allowed to call someone a fucking asshole.

I swear I've read some posts I've made, or got banned for, and wonder why I even vaguely cared enough to engage with an argument about a healing system in a videogame, or whatever it may be, and I have no idea either. So anyway, you're not alone in this 'huh, I am an asshole online too!' moment.

Click to shrink...

Very true. There are some threads that from the off just rile me - and I imagine others - up. Predominantly it's posts that start with an assertion rather than an opinion. You end up with lots of threads starting with "Can we all agree.....", "What's the best 'X' and can we agree it's 'X'" or "Am I the only one who..." where there's the automatic assumption that the OP's view is correct and you're there to agree with them.