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Is it wrong to still expect apology after being catfished (long time ago)?

RustyNails

RustyNails

Attempted to circumvent ban with alt account
Banned
Oct 26, 2017
24,586
I got catfished by a friend when we were in high school. One of my other friends broke the news to me after he found out, but I was taking the (fake) relationship seriously. I acted like it was funny and did not matter to me in front of my friends. But I think I cried after I found out. Now we're in our 30's, married, have jobs, etc. But we keep in touch via facebook. We're not really close though, but it's something that irritates me to this day whenever I see his name pop up. I don't know if he still remembers it, or if anyone does for that matter. I never got a "formal apology" from him. We sort of moved on and never spoke of it. Sometimes I hope I wake up one morning with a message from him with an apology and saying we were all stupid back then and did stupid things. But many times I want to move on and forget the hazy fog of high school.

Edit: Sorry - Catfished means someone faked an online persona and started a conversation/relationship with you. In my case, he pretended to be a girl.
 
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Kamiyouni

Kamiyouni

Member
Oct 30, 2017
808
I think he just assumed you forgot about it. Holy crap a 10yr dating grudge? This is a first. Dude probably forgot.
 
PeakPointMatrix

PeakPointMatrix

Member
Oct 25, 2017
19,016
I mean I know what it means OP, but just in case for everyone else coming into the thread, would you mine defining what the hell being catfished is?
 
tino

tino

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,561
You just have to say you still want an apology to his face in some special occasion like in a friends party.
 
Starviper

Starviper

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
1,431
Minneapolis
Suppose I wouldn't ever expect an apology after that long. Maybe if you saw them in person, but if you only ever talk online? *shrug*
 
Daschiel

Daschiel

Member
Oct 28, 2017
754
RustyNails said:
I got catfished by a friend when we were in high school. One of my other friends broke the news to me after he found out, but I was taking the (fake) relationship seriously. I acted like it was funny and did not matter to me in front of my friends. But I think I cried after I found out. Now we're in our 30's, married, have jobs, etc. But we keep in touch via facebook. We're not really close though, but it's something that irritates me to this day whenever I see his name pop up. I don't know if he still remembers it, or if anyone does for that matter. I never got a "formal apology" from him. We sort of moved on and never spoke of it. Sometimes I hope I wake up one morning with a message from him with an apology and saying we were all stupid back then and did stupid things. But many times I want to move on and forget the hazy fog of high school.
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After so long my friend just let it go, I truly doubt this person is going to apologise after so long and if those were the intentions at the time, he person will think he didn't do anything wrong. I don't know how you deal with people that hurt you, but I block them out of my life and move on. You can only do so much to protect yourself, besides it should not matter you now, you have a happy life probably better off than this person too. Cheer up man, don't let it get to you. *Bro fist*
 
Mammoth Jones

Mammoth Jones

Member
Oct 25, 2017
12,291
New York
RustyNails said:
I got catfished by a friend when we were in high school. One of my other friends broke the news to me after he found out, but I was taking the (fake) relationship seriously. I acted like it was funny and did not matter to me in front of my friends. But I think I cried after I found out. Now we're in our 30's, married, have jobs, etc. But we keep in touch via facebook. We're not really close though, but it's something that irritates me to this day whenever I see his name pop up. I don't know if he still remembers it, or if anyone does for that matter. I never got a "formal apology" from him. We sort of moved on and never spoke of it. Sometimes I hope I wake up one morning with a message from him with an apology and saying we were all stupid back then and did stupid things. But many times I want to move on and forget the hazy fog of high school.
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I mean yea I think you're wrong. Here's why: You were wrong for tolerating disrespect as long as you did. And you were wrong to mask your initial reaction.

Sounds like you should dead that friend and any that would let something like that happen to you. That's not a friend.
 
NeoGold123

NeoGold123

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
502
Just move on man. It was over a decade ago, you've gotten married and you barely talk to the guy. Why brood over something that long?
 
TheMan

TheMan

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,264
kids do stupid shit but he sounds like an asshole

catfish his wife and then send him the convos
 
subpar spatula

subpar spatula

Refuses to Wash his Ass
Member
Oct 26, 2017
22,065
Can you be considered in a relationship with someone on that level if you never met them or more importantly heard their voice? You should just call this a wash.
 
BlueTsunami

BlueTsunami

Member
Oct 29, 2017
8,499
Has anyone suggested catfishing him back? And when the titillating Facebook exchange ruins his marriage thats when you unleash the "its just a prank, bro" then close that chapter in your life.
 
Maximo

Maximo

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,149
You don't see each other anymore and just keep in touch with Facebook...and it was 10 years ago?

RustyNails said:
Sometimes I hope I wake up one morning with a message from him with an apology and saying we were all stupid back then and did stupid things. But many times I want to move on and forget the hazy fog of high school.
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You wake up and some days think this? Bro gotta get over this holy hell.
 
GungHo

GungHo

Member
Nov 27, 2017
6,121
I don't think you're a bad person for wanting acknowledgement. I do think that you need to accept that it will never happen.
 
Stuart444

Stuart444

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,068
You're not wrong. But you won't get an apology so best to try and forget about it.

I've never been catfished (which I didn't even know about the word before last year...) but I have held grudges (and still do) for a variety of reasons (including with someone I've not spoken to and don't plan on speaking to again unless I bump into him I guess...) and I realize, best thing I can do is try to forget about it.

I probably won't forget though but I can try lol. You might as well try and forget this too otherwise you'll just make yourself angry whenever you think about it.
 
DrEvil

DrEvil

Developer
Verified
Oct 25, 2017
2,628
Canada
Did you do something horribly embarassing? Are you concerned that he has some dirt on you?
Can't understand why you're still hung up on this after all these years.
 
Conciliator

Conciliator

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,115
Expecting an apology for anything indefinitely is just a road to heartache and bitterness

if you REALLY feel like you need some kind of closure, step up and make it happen. "Hey, I want to talk to you about this situation that happened in high school. It made me feel really bed and I held onto for a while, how do you remember that?" etc etc
 

Deleted member 4034

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
26,560
At this point, you're not gonna get it unless you ask for it.

He either forgot or just doesn't want to make you mad again by bringing it up.

I mean, I have shit I'd like to apologize for from back in the day, but I tell myself that those people either don't care, forgot or don't want to hear from me.
 
Hex

Hex

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
3,415
User Banned (3 Days): victim blaming
People need to own up to the other side of being "catfished" and that is that you put yourself in that position.
Sucked what the person did, but it is just creepy that you are still grinding on it.
If you still need some kind of closure about it, instead of talking to that person talk to a therapist because there is much more going on.
 
kaputt

kaputt

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,201
Send him christmas cards of cats and fishes.

I think he forgot about it. I understand it might have sucked, but it's time to move on.
 
CharlesAznable

CharlesAznable

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,585
What your friend did was despicable, but you're not getting an apology. Your initial reaction told him you probably didn't really care, and the fact that you waited means he probably forgot because he thought it wasn't a big deal. If you want an apology you're going to have to be the one to bring it up.
 
Tagyhag

Tagyhag

Member
Oct 27, 2017
12,450
I would talk to them about it, if they don't block you for holding a 10-year old grudge, they'll at least apologize out of fear.

I don't know why you expect a random apology when you said you acted like you were cool with the joke. It'd be like me making a joke about my friend's shirt, them laughing at the joke, and then 10 years later coming up to me and saying "You know, that joke has haunted me all these years, didn't you see the pain in my eyes?" No, I saw you laughing!

It is shitty that you got catfished OP, but you have got to see why you shouldn't be expecting an apology without talking to your friend first.
 
CarpeDeezNutz

CarpeDeezNutz

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,732
If it still bothers you, you should bring it up. Lotta people pretend something is not a big deal when it is to them.

"I need to get this of my chest, what you did to me back in high school was really shitty and stayed with me, I can't keep acting like it doesn't and I need you to know."

I don't have anything like this in my life but if I was in your shoes I would go about it that way.
 

Deleted member 2840

User requested account closure
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
5,400
In highschool OP?
Honestly, you're better off trying to forget all about it. Because he either also forgot about it, or tells it as a "hilarious" story every time he goes out with friends.
 
Kurdel

Kurdel

Member
Nov 7, 2017
12,157
I catfished a guy in high school for a few weeks during the summer break, and he beat the shit out of me in a very public fight (where people were cheering my name, so I felt like I won the PR battle).

I missed school the next day, and I was able to watch 9/11 live.

But yeah RustyNails I am sure he still remembers. I would not have do that to any of me friends though, I can underatand why you would stil feel hurt by it.
 
HStallion

HStallion

Member
Oct 25, 2017
62,222
Hex said:
People need to own up to the other side of being "catfished" and that is that you put yourself in that position.
Sucked what the person did, but it is just creepy that you are still grinding on it.
If you still need some kind of closure about it, instead of talking to that person talk to a therapist because there is much more going on.
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People don't willing go into a relationship looking to get catfished, they don't realize what's going on until it's too late. That's the entire point of catfishing and putting the onus on unknowing victims is pretty callous and backwards.

Edit: that was fast
 
Afrikan

Afrikan

Member
Oct 28, 2017
16,951
you're not the only one TC.

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Alwayscrazybacon

Alwayscrazybacon

Banned
Oct 25, 2017
5,159
China
RustyNails said:
It's not the heartbreak over the person not existing, but it's the betrayal/the act of being duped that hurt.
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No apology is going to fix that. You've been holding onto this for far too long. He might not react as you expect, maybe make a joke about it or downplay it. You might consider they apology not good enough or sincere enough. If it's still hurting you now I'd suggest looking into some therapy to address the underlying issue.
 

Random Painted Highway

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,709
I had sort of the reverse happen once, a hs friend bumped into me maybe 7 years later and he apologized for a joke that I totally could not remember. He apparently was deeply affected by whatever he told me and had pondered it for sometime. I have really thick skin and take virtually nothing personally, so past transgressions I really don't sweat at all unless it's something really bad. Was weird.

I just assume that most interactions from decades past fall into the same category for most people, and in any event, someone in hs is not the same person a decade later, may be better may be worse, but I try to treat people as a blank slate after so many years. Granted that attitude is easier to have if you have personal or professional success and growth and again it wasn't anything too terrible.
 
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