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Is there a tactful way to find out if a son is actually going to his new job?

jimtothehum

Member
Mar 23, 2018
343
I have a stepson who is 19. I told him he needed to get a job if he is to continue to live with me. Right before the deadline I set, he got a job at a grocery store working at the deli and also doing some cashier work. He gave me the hours he would be working this week. Tues 10-5 Wed 10-5 Thurs 3-10 and today 9-5. (Side note: he has no car and its probably about a 20-30 min walk to his work)

Tues and Wed- I got home a little after before five and he was already home. Alright, first days of training, there is a chance that he got sent home early.

Thurs (yesterday)- I come home and he's already there. I ask him what's going on. He said that they want him at deli on days and cashier at night. The guy that was supposed to train him at cashier wasn't in, so they had him come in early and he just watched a couple of hours of videos and they sent him home.

Last night, he played videogames till 3 in the morning until I came in and reminded him that maybe he should get some sleep since he has to work in the morning.

Today, I decided to stop by his work around 11:45 AM just to make sure he made it in. He wasn't there. I asked two associates who said they didn't know him and another two in a separate part of the store who said he was one of the night stockman. I call him and ask him where he is and he says that the guy that was supposed to train him did not come in again so they had him watch videos again and sent him home.

Obviously, I'm suspicious. I want to find out if he is actually working or lying to me (which there is a history there). Is there a tactful way to talk to a manager about his employment that would not hurt him in the job if he is actually telling the truth?
 

Yaboosh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,350
Just ask for a nominal amount of rent and let him figure out how much he has to hustle himself. Micromanaging a kid at 19 seems useless.
 

Kyrios

Member
Oct 27, 2017
3,261
The only thing I can think of is ask the deli manager or front end/desk manager and just make sure he's actually coming in.

Or better yet, visit the store next week once he's done with training and see if he's coming in.
 

NSA

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
2,881
California
If you're okay waiting a week or two you can ask him in advance to show you his paycheck. That should be pretty black & white.
 

Squirrel09

Member
Nov 4, 2017
248
I mean, if he's telling the truth he'll get normal hours soon. If he's lying, he can only keep it up for so long before his lies fall apart on him. If he has a job, he'll have a paycheck and will probably start buying a lot more food and video games. If his spending doesn't change, he's probably lying... 29 hours at minimum wage is quite a bit for someone with little responsibilities.
 

kai3345

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,454
wait a week or two and start looking into it again. if he keeps with the excuses something is def going on
 

Linkura

Member
Oct 25, 2017
17,771
Call and pretend you work for an employment verification company and ask if he works/has worked there and the dates.

Though lbh you already know the answer.
 

Blah

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,244
It doesn't sound like he's going but playing a game of gotcha will only lead to resentment.
 

BDS

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,362
It's common for your first week in retail to have weird, erratic things like this happen. If he's making excuses, he won't be able to keep it up forever.
 

Piston

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,160
I am going to assume he needs to have some sort of uniform if he is working at a grocery store, it should be pretty obvious if he needs to wash it at the house. I'd wait a week and if your suspicions still hold, press further.
 

fester

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,298
Charging a small amount for rent and letting him figure out a solution for it seems like the best approach.
 

SugarNoodles

Banned
Nov 3, 2017
8,009
Portland, OR
He’s 19. Micromanaging when he should go to bed is not useful.

Make your expectations clear and leave him alone if he is meeting them. Don’t make it nebulous standards like “well, you did get a job but your sleep schedule doesn’t seem good...”

What he is describing sounds very normal for a grocery store job. Oh, and he can absolutely tell that you don’t trust him.

Do you want him to move out? If so, when? What kind of salary does he need in order to make that happen? If his current job won’t allow for that, what’s the long term plan? Do you want him saving money?

This runs a lot deeper than “how do I know he’s actually employed”
 

PMS341

Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,189
This entire thread feels very invasive. Honestly, if he isn't going to that job, you'll know sooner than later. I think you're spending too much time worrying about his work prospects. Is he going to pay rent? Are you going to kick him out if he does not? Like what is the end goal here?
 

Nepenthe

I'm just gonna take 5, or 10...or 20.
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
6,408
The beginning of a new retail job is erratic. There's never a set training schedule or anything, and it's common to be sent home early or to have your schedule shifted. Give it a couple of weeks at which point his schedule should stabilize.

Or you could simply ask the store manager if he's an employee there.
 

Yaboosh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
6,350
They're not micromanaging. They're rightly suspicious.
Well yeah, but instead of requiring a job, requiring money for rent seems to be more appropriate given his age. Then you don’t have to worry about expending energy worrying about what he is doing at all times and instead can just expect a rent check on the same day every month. Much easier to know when he is fucking up.
 

Fulminator

Member
Oct 25, 2017
8,550
This entire thread feels very invasive. Honestly, if he isn't going to that job, you'll know sooner than later. I think you're spending too much time worrying about his work prospects. Is he going to pay rent? Are you going to kick him out if he does not? Like what is the end goal here?
I feel this too.

seems pretty weird to me that you are going to his supposed place of work just to see if he’s actually there. I’d be weirded out if my parents did that, regardless of whether he is actually going or not.

feel like you should just say you are going to charge him rent, and you will know pretty soon if he is working or not
 
Nov 2, 2017
730
Quebec City
Maybe he didn't get the job, maybe he did and got fired. Maybe he quit after a while because he didn't like it. Maybe he's actually working and no one remembers him because he's new. You're just assuming things right now.

Don't know the kind of relationship you have with him, but you say you're his stepfather. But if he's choosing to live with you he clearly trusts you and thinks of you as an actual parent. So going from your description, I'd assume you have a relationship with him that has lasted for a long time. In situations like these, I feel you should just talk. Stop inquiring about how he's at home, what he's doing there, what time he goes to bed, etc. Ask him how his day went, how he likes his job, etc. Don't approach it as a reproach unless you are sure that he's doing something wrong. And even then, you're more there to help him than to reprimand him.
 

Z-Beat

Member
Oct 25, 2017
16,184
Do you know someone who he doesn't know who can go to the store and see if he's there?

Or for a less creepy option, just surprise him

The beginning of a new retail job is erratic. There's never a set training schedule or anything, and it's common to be sent home early or to have your schedule shifted. Give it a couple of weeks at which point his schedule should stabilize.

Or you could simply ask the store manager if he's an employee there.
True, but I was never so laid back working a new job at 19
 

The Albatross

Member
Oct 25, 2017
10,309
The tactful way is to ask him, and ask him to be honest with you.

I suspect he's not going, but sneaking around to catch him not at work will probably backfire. If you go there and he's working, he'll know you're spying him and take issue with it. If you go there and he's not working and you call him, he'll know you're spying on him.

He might lie, but eventually it becomes obvious and he's caught in a lie. But if you want to build his trust, I think you've gotta trust him until it becomes obvious, and then maybe it doesn't end up like this again.
 

FinKL

Avenger
Oct 25, 2017
1,420
Sounds like he's not going which is unfortunate. I've always wondered if you can track someone with one of those Tile locators by hiding it in their sole of a shoe or something. Or on a hidden key compartment you put on their car. But now you're violating trust
 
Oct 27, 2017
13,696
Seattle
Charge him rent, or make him pay for insurance/utilities.

That way..he will come clean...or he will come up with the money some how, and you respect his hustle or sticking to the job.,
 

RDreamer

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,743
Get rent instead of forcing him to get a job. He's an adult. He should figure out how he wants to live his life, but rent is a reality of being an adult.
 

Lozjam

Avenger
Nov 1, 2017
1,217
Charge $150 a month of rent
-put 150 in a savings account every single month and let that accumulate as you go on.
-once he moves out, give him the savings account as an extra buffer

That is much better than micromanaging him.