I'm confused.
You said you asked some employees and they said he was the night stockman.
So he does work there??????
You said you asked some employees and they said he was the night stockman.
So he does work there??????
You're forgetting where you are...Making sure your son is actually going to his job after providing numerous excuses as to why he's not there is not even close to stalking.
Just ask for a nominal amount of rent and let him figure out how much he has to hustle himself. Micromanaging a kid at 19 seems useless.
Just reminded me of the scene in Eighth Grade where her dad is stalking her when she goes to the mall to meet with friends.
Good idea.Charge $150 a month of rent
-put 150 in a savings account every single month and let that accumulate as you go on.
-once he moves out, give him the savings account as an extra buffer
That is much better than micromanaging him.
He's 19. Micromanaging when he should go to bed is not useful.
Make your expectations clear and leave him alone if he is meeting them. Don't make it nebulous standards like "well, you did get a job but your sleep schedule doesn't seem good..."
What he is describing sounds very normal for a grocery store job. Oh, and he can absolutely tell that you don't trust him.
Do you want him to move out? If so, when? What kind of salary does he need in order to make that happen? If his current job won't allow for that, what's the long term plan? Do you want him saving money?
This runs a lot deeper than "how do I know he's actually employed"
I am trying to figure what exactly was the deliverable you expected out of him by getting a job? Less time in your house?
Somehow I don't think the stepson is in reasonable fear of his safety or even borderline.
Making sure your son is actually going to his job after providing numerous excuses as to why he's not there is not even close to stalking.
A lot of retail chains sit you down and have you watch training (propaganda, seriously) videos when you first start.Hm, what are these "videos" being shown to him at work i wonder.
Inject him with nanomachines and monitor his movements via soliton radar.
Sucks. What are his interest? If he is into tech, have him study and get some certs (comptia). It might spark something in him.
This guy parentsThe tactful way is to ask him, and ask him to be honest with you.
I suspect he's not going, but sneaking around to catch him not at work will probably backfire. If you go there and he's working, he'll know you're spying him and take issue with it. If you go there and he's not working and you call him, he'll know you're spying on him.
He might lie, but eventually it becomes obvious and he's caught in a lie. But if you want to build his trust, I think you've gotta trust him until it becomes obvious, and then maybe it doesn't end up like this again.
lmao
Well this seems like it's off to a good start. I would assume he isn't going to the job.
...but I do wonder if he isn't living with you, where will he be staying and without a job?
A lot of retail chains sit you down and have you watch training (propaganda, seriously) videos when you first start.
So a little background. Not with his mom anymore, but I helped raise him since he was five. His mom was fed up with him for this exact type of thing and he spent some time with grandparents and eventually moved in with me. Initially, it was only temporary because he had friends that he was supposed to move in with in a few months. That fell through, and I actually told him, yes, you can stay with me, but you will have to get a job and pay some rent. That was like, at least, a month and a half to two months ago. I finally gave him two weeks notice- find a job or you are out. Literally, with only a day or two left, he said he got the job.
Here's the thing also. He's led his life up till this point having his hand held through everything and it has left him with a kid in the burbs (hour and a half away), no job, no GED, and no license. He is a good kid, I actually like having him around, and he is great with my two small children I have. When I have talks with him about getting his life in order, I genuinely think he believes in what I am saying and I believe, in the moment, he wants to do those things. Unfortunately, when it comes time to make the right decisions, he falls back into his bad habits. Lying, laziness, lack of any motivation. I do worry that, because of where his life is right now that he could be depressed (and I'm sure completely overwhelmed), but getting him to open up about anything like that is near impossible. Also, his mom has tried to take him to counselors and therapists in the past and he has no interest in taking part. From what I have learned about therapy, if you are not engaged in the process, it will not work.
I'm at the point where I feel horrible that I can't help him but I can't enable this behavior any longer if he is lying to me.
This is more background than I was initially willing to give, but reading some of the responses, I felt it necessary.
Let me guess...
You and your wife got into an argument about her son being 19 and free-loading so she said he would get a job and start being an adult. You are obviously suspicious because he's never showed any initiative and has shown he's ok being a freeloader. In your suspicion, you are trying to find out if he's actually holding up his end of the bargain so you can use it as a "gotcha" against your wife and kick him out.
This can either end in 2 ways: divorce or life-long resentment from your step-son. Choose wisely.
In all seriousness, just ask him to be up-front and if you still seem suspicious ask to see a pay-stub. Don't go around asking people that work there since you'll either seem crazy or embarrass him in front of his co-workers.
Why are you threatening to kick a 19 year old out of your house? Your stepson too.I have a stepson who is 19. I told him he needed to get a job if he is to continue to live with me. Right before the deadline I set, he got a job at a grocery store working at the deli and also doing some cashier work. He gave me the hours he would be working this week. Tues 10-5 Wed 10-5 Thurs 3-10 and today 9-5. (Side note: he has no car and its probably about a 20-30 min walk to his work)
Tues and Wed- I got home a little after before five and he was already home. Alright, first days of training, there is a chance that he got sent home early.
Thurs (yesterday)- I come home and he's already there. I ask him what's going on. He said that they want him at deli on days and cashier at night. The guy that was supposed to train him at cashier wasn't in, so they had him come in early and he just watched a couple of hours of videos and they sent him home.
Last night, he played videogames till 3 in the morning until I came in and reminded him that maybe he should get some sleep since he has to work in the morning.
Today, I decided to stop by his work around 11:45 AM just to make sure he made it in. He wasn't there. I asked two associates who said they didn't know him and another two in a separate part of the store who said he was one of the night stockman. I call him and ask him where he is and he says that the guy that was supposed to train him did not come in again so they had him watch videos again and sent him home.
Obviously, I'm suspicious. I want to find out if he is actually working or lying to me (which there is a history there). Is there a tactful way to talk to a manager about his employment that would not hurt him in the job if he is actually telling the truth?
What you're asking for seems reasonable. What is GED - general education? Maybe try to focus on that rather than a crappy job which probably won't help him long term. Is there anything he's passionate about which he could go to college for - music, film, programming, electronics, anything?!
and it has left him with a kid in the burbs (hour and a half away)
Sorry, I didn't see your 2nd post explaining the situation. In all honesty, this situation is very unlikely to change unless your son has a reason to change his behavior. I have a friend who's brother was basically in the same situation that your son is in and he was able to get a job for a couple of years but as soon as the pressure from his parents went away he went back to being unemployed and has been freeloading ever since. Depression surely is a factor in all of this but this type of situation is something that never seems to be easily solved and comes down to the individual wanting to make a change and not being forced into the change. Try your best and support him the best you can be at some point he's going to have to realize on his own that he needs to be an adult and his lack o initiative is going to have consequences.Dude... Not even close. lol
I made sure that when I went there, I was just asking to speak with him. The whole point of this thread is to find a way to not embarrass him if he is actually working. I love this kid and I truly want him to succeed.
Why are you threatening to kick a 19 year old out of your house? Your stepson too.
Dude... Not even close. lol
I made sure that when I went there, I was just asking to speak with him. The whole point of this thread is to find a way to not embarrass him if he is actually working. I love this kid and I truly want him to succeed.
If he didn't even get a highschool diploma then I think this is an insanely delicate situation. I think maybe working some dead end job might not be for the best, it'll make him some money and get him out a bit but I don't really know if that'll go anywhere. Props to you though, this seems like heavy stuff to deal with and I can't imagine how you must feel.It's diploma-equivalent certification you can get, if you weren't able to graduate high school. He did not.
Sounds like justifiable cruel life lesson time may be approaching. Tap into that 19 years of resentment you've likely compartmentalized. Give him a punishment that will make a striking bullet point in his future biography. It could build character.