Is there a tactful way to find out if a son is actually going to his new job?

[Deleted member 19003]

Eesh, he already has a kid too and doesn't care about working to support him/her?? And he's already been seen by professionals and therapy? Sounds like an asshole, frankly. I'd put some very harsh ultimatums. Get your GED, get a job, or get out. At a minimum, at least go volunteer somewhere if a job is difficult to come by (and without a GED, it might be). Grandma and Granpa need to stop enabling him too. Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

 

[Sordid Plebeian]

Charge him rent and hold it until the end of the month when he will be reimbursed.

 

[klastical]

I would really focus on him getting his GED. I have a hard time believing that he will find any job that's not straight up Manual labor without a GED.

 

[Akira86]

yeah encourage night school and other things to help him. no need to be an adversary when you can be a guiding ally.

 

[N.Domixis]

19, no education and had a kid. But why?

 

[henhowc]

camp out in the parking lot with binoculars

 

[fleet]

Eesh, he already has a kid too and doesn't care about working to support him/her?? And he's already been seen by professionals and therapy? Sounds like an asshole, frankly. I'd put some very harsh ultimatums. Get your GED, get a job, or get out. At a minimum, at least go volunteer somewhere if a job is difficult to come by (and without a GED, it might be). Grandma and Granpa need to stop enabling him too. Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

Click to shrink...

god i love these threads. "let him get arrested". like really?

 

[Bio]

I think jumping immediately to suspicion is a bad move, and I think failing to acknowledge your part in how he came to be in this situation is a mistake all too many parents make. Our children's failures are often our own. I can understand your frustration, but treating your kid like a criminal or a loser, and basically stalking him hoping for a gotcha moment isn't going to help anything.

What would be the point of "catching" him even be? Gratification at knowing your son is every bit the wastrel you've made him out to be on the internet to a bunch of strangers? It sounds self-serving.

You asked for a some rent, and that's fair. He'll either come up with it or he won't, and the problem will resolve itself. Stop spying on your own kid, maybe.

 

[Deleted member 4372]

Charge him rent and let him figure out how to pay. He's 19, why would he be able to live with you for free?

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I agree w this. At 19 I think $400 a month is reasonable. Not enough to leave him without any spending cash but enough to motivate to get a higher paying job and pay rent for his own place.

I would also consider putting a portion of what he gives you into a savings account unbeknownst to him and present it to him after he moves out as a lesson on saving and money management.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

god i love these threads. "let him get arrested". like really?

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If he doesn't pay child support, it could very well happen. Dude needs to get serious because Mom and Grandma and Grandpa aren't going to be around to take care of him forever.

 

[Shroki]

Based on what you've said in the OP, he is 100% (without a doubt) lying about working. He may have never had the job, or quit it quickly after it was horrible and is scared to admit that.

But workplaces do not have "videos" to show you for days in lieu of actual training. Usually it'd just be orientation day for that kind of thing. If for some reason they were so hurt in staff that nobody could formally train him, they'd carve out some simple activity for him to do like stocking shelves and have him do that until they could train him. Or they'd reschedule his starting date for another time and send him home outright.

I'm no parent (thank god), but I agree with setting up rent. Maybe tell him you need him to pay $300 or something at the end of December. Give him a little bit of time to get on his horse and actually find a job. He needs SOME kind of push or incentive to overpower the anxiety of finding a job and working it.

 

[StallionDan]

Just by chance, where I work 4 new employess were meant to start last Sunday. None turned up, took until the next day to realise nobody told them when their first shift was. So they were contacted and told to start Wednesday, but on Wednesday the 'handler' who trains them wasn't due to work that day. So we did it (not our job so did it badly as lacking induction materials ...), then it was finally done properly yesterday (Friday).

So your son's job could be ran as bad as mine.

 

[angelgrievous]

Don't ask for money for rent, make him take GED classes for rent. If you can, take him there and pick him up.

Make him pay for his own things though, toilet paper, toothpaste, etc. Set a budget for him and help him follow it.

Set up a bank account for him and help him save money.

 

[Paertan]

Lmao legendary thread

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Sounds fun. Can I have a link?

 

[TheCthultist]

Just by chance, where I work 4 new employess were meant to start last Sunday. None turned up, took until the next day to realise nobody told them when their first shift was. So they were contacted and told to start Wednesday, but on Wednesday the 'handler' who trains them wasn't due to work that day. So we did it (not our job so did it badly as lacking induction materials ...), then it was finally done properly yesterday (Friday).

So your son's job could be ran as bad as mine.

Click to shrink...

It happens way more often than people seem to think... not saying I believe it's happening in this case, but the possibility is always there. Also not necessarily likely that other employees would know who OP's kid is yet if it hasn't been a full week. Depending on the store, department, training, and management, it could be a full week before he's even put on the sales floor for training, much less making his presence known to people who likely don't care that there's a new coworker around.

 

[Daysean]

It's rent time baybee

 

[The Vathlonian]

This is creepy. don't show up at my job wtf

 

[boontobias]

19 high school dropout and a bum father...

My dad was mad at me for being a hs graduate without a plan for the future living at his house jeez...

The way I see it, assuming you're U.S.: job->ged->trade school/college or air force/navy
no job->no ged->army or homeless

 

[Westbahnhof]

This is creepy. don't show up at my job wtf

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At least bother to read the thread.
This is a worried parent with an adult child that's lacking a finished education, has no job, but has a child.
It's a tricky situation, and your dismissive reply isn't fair towards OP.

 

[lemming]

Don't ask for money for rent, make him take GED classes for rent. If you can, take him there and pick him up.

Make him pay for his own things though, toilet paper, toothpaste, etc. Set a budget for him and help him follow it.

Set up a bank account for him and help him save money.

Click to shrink...

That's a hard situation, OP.
I agree with the direction above. The more education, the better the prospects.
From what you said, probably a low skill job won't motivate him enough to change up his life (which is your end goal here).
Maybe by attempting to get more qualified, He could likely be grouped together with other people that are attempting to get their shit together as well, and that could act as an extra positive influence.

Wish you the best with this situation, and hope we hear from you soon with news! It seems like you're putting in the effort, and guess it is frustrating that the actual outcome is very dependent on someone else's input.

 

[Reformed Individual]

Charge $150 a month of rent
-put 150 in a savings account every single month and let that accumulate as you go on.
-once he moves out, give him the savings account as an extra buffer

That is much better than micromanaging him.

Click to shrink...

This is such a good idea.

I never got parents who charge their kids large rent who dont actually need the money. Like they go 18 years without requiring rent from them but as soon as they hit 18 they do?

 

[Deleted member 3040]

Maybe I've missed it, but have you had a serious talk with him (not just casually asking and stalking)? You said you've had some talks and he has shown understanding, yet nothing comes out of it. How does he fare mentally?

 

[Deleted member 9241]

I never got parents who charge their kids large rent who dont actually need the money. Like they go 18 years without requiring rent from them but as soon as they hit 18 they do?

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Rent is obviously a tool used by some parents to help nudge the baby bird out of the nest. Some kids need the incentive.

 

[Zombine]

I actually feel for you man...you're literally damned if you do and damned if you don't at that age. I was working unlike your boy, but just barely at 19. You'll probably get a lot of shit for being hard on him but I know you just want to see him get on his feet and become slightly more independent. I wish that I had listened to my dad when he was a hard ass—he was just trying to help.

My only word of advice is to strongly consider that along with the emotional insecurity, he may have some underlying major social anxiety/depression. I went entirely undiagnosed in my late teens/early 20s and it definitely stunted my independence.

 

[Zoe]

I'm a little worried about the child support angle. Is it possible somebody got into his head about dodging it?

 

[Sunster]

I'm not one for pushing kids out of the home if they aren't ready but the fact that he's a father adds another level. He needs to be pushed.
(but supported as well)

 

[Jonathan Lanza]

Eesh, he already has a kid too and doesn't care about working to support him/her?? And he's already been seen by professionals and therapy? Sounds like an asshole, frankly. I'd put some very harsh ultimatums. Get your GED, get a job, or get out. At a minimum, at least go volunteer somewhere if a job is difficult to come by (and without a GED, it might be). Grandma and Granpa need to stop enabling him too. Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

Click to shrink...

Having a history of incarceration will definitely help him get a job! And as we all know the things that happen to people in prison and when they get out are historically beneficial to prisoners!

No but seriously, this is one of the dumbest posts on this site.

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

Rent.

Even if it's $50 a week he can't BS his way through that forever.

You might be jumping the gun a bit flipping out over training days.

 

[1000% H]

That fell through, and I actually told him, yes, you can stay with me, but you will have to get a job and pay some rent. That was like, at least, a month and a half to two months ago. I finally gave him two weeks notice- find a job or you are out. Literally, with only a day or two left, he said he got the job.

Click to shrink...

Alright, I feel like I gotta talk about this. Do you know how the current job market and hiring processes tend to work? You're acting like a month and a half is a suspiciously long time to get a job and that your expectation was that he should've had something within a few weeks. However, the reality is he could've applied to that grocery store the very same day you first told him he needed a job and it took them at least a month to get back to him. Before I got my current job, I was in a slump and was applying to grocery store/fast food/etc tier places because I just needed anything to sustain myself while I continued to look for a job I actually wanted and sometimes I wouldn't hear back for months, sometimes not at all. And no, following up with places like that will not expedite the process. And he doesn't even have a GED! He's probably getting bumped to the back of the line the moment they look over his resume!

Wanting him to get a job isn't a big ask, but wanting him to get a job in such a time frame kinda is.

Any, "how's the job hunt going?" kinda thing you might've said was gonna be super demoralizing and the two week ultimatum is a bigger signal for him to just give up. I know you didn't mean it to be that way, but my read on what you've said just seems like you were putting him in a place where he is less likely to get and stick to a job, especially because all the jobs he's looking at are probably going to suck. And if he ever finds out you tried to check up on him, whether he actually has the job or not, he's gonna start hiding way more shit from you.

Honestly, if him getting a job is such a high priority thing for you to have happen, I think you should be pushing more for him to start doing some weekly volunteer work or try for a GED or any other part time goal that would that would make him productive, make him more marketable in the job market, and not fully interfere with his job search.

If he's in a fucking hole, which it sound like he is, telling him to get out of the hole is just gonna make it deeper and it's not gonna solve your issues.

 

[CrocM]

This is a worried parent with an adult child that's lacking a finished education, has no job, but has a child.

Click to shrink...

What a sentence.

 

[Shadybiz]

I agree with the rent idea. Seems that he's been coddled for most of his life, and has no sense of responsibility, especially given the fact that he's not paying child support.

He also seems unable (at the moment) to plan for the future. You said he was planning to move in with friends, but it fell through. If he HAD moved forward with it, with no job, he was going to pay his portion of the rent and utilities...how, exactly??

Getting the GED is important for sure. You mentioned that he seemed at least a little interested in going into a trade, which can be a very good career. It might be harder to get into a trade school without one. It can be done, but I'm sure it would be a lot easier if he had it.

 

[Chunky Alien]

He probably quit after 2 hours because there was nothing to do.

Like others have said ask for rent, tell him you'd like to swing by the deli to grab something.

Click to shrink...

lol I remember that guy

 

[Boiled Goose]

How did he buy his games and other electronics?

I'm guessing he didn't. So he has zero incentive to do shit.

My standard would be. You get basic food and shelter for free. Everything else, including internet access and cell phone is not free.

He'll want internet access.

 

[OutofMana]

My brother was like this. Didn't necessarily lie about looking for a job, but did have no enthusiasm for it. It wasn't until he was responsible for his share of the bills/rent that he got his shit together.

 

[Guppeth]

My only word of advice is to strongly consider that along with the emotional insecurity, he may have some underlying major social anxiety/depression. I went entirely undiagnosed in my late teens/early 20s and it definitely stunted my independence.

Click to shrink...

Good advice. When I was the same age as this kid, I went out to work night shifts, for two months, in my dad's car. I parked someplace and listened to the radio for 8 hours. I was scared to go to work, scared to formally quit work, and scared to tell anyone any of this.

I paid rent to my parents by withdrawing cash on a credit card. It was incredibly stupid but I wasn't thinking straight.

I was eventually found out when there was an emergency at home, and my mum tried to call me at work. This was before mobile phones so there was no other way to get hold of me.

I got home from "work" at 6am to find my parents both awake, waiting for me. And between us we worked out that I'm a lazy dickhead who can't do anything right. I wasn't diagnosed with an anxiety disorder for another 15 years...

edit: I didn't have a kid though. I was only fucking up my own life.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

Having a history of incarceration will definitely help him get a job! And as we all know the things that happen to people in prison and when they get out are historically beneficial to prisoners!

No but seriously, this is one of the dumbest posts on this site.

Click to shrink...

Be as snarky and rude as you want, it may very well happen if he doesn't step up and take responsibility for the child. Especially if he burns the goodwill of his grandparents and mother. It's harsh but that's the reality of it. You're right in that it wouldn't be ideal at all and he should avoid it by getting his life together but that's the entire reason for this thread. He's not taking any responsibility. And sorry, I don't have much sympathy for deadbeat fathers.

And btw, you don't go to freaking prison for lack of child support. At worst it's short stints in the local county jail. Ayy.

 

[Z-Beat]

On one hand I'm kinda familiar with this situation. I have a tendency of getting things done and then returning to the exact same spot people saw me in last time, so it looks like I didn't move. I had a few moments in the past where my mom would leave somewhere while I was on my computer and then I'd leave to go run errands or something else for some hours and then return home and get back on the computer before she got back, and she'd be upset because she thought I'd just been in that exact same spot since she left. I do that so often that tasks just seem to materialize and complete themselves without me actually moving.

On the other hand, he sounds kinda complacent with his current situation. No GED, no license, a kid, etc. Whether or not he's going to his job seems like the least of his problems.

 

[LuigiMario]

Charge $150 a month of rent
-put 150 in a savings account every single month and let that accumulate as you go on.
-once he moves out, give him the savings account as an extra buffer

That is much better than micromanaging him.

Click to shrink...

Yep this is the best possible plan TBH. I wish my parents would have done something like this when I was 19-20 and lived with them.

 

[Westbahnhof]

What a sentence.

Click to shrink...

Don't blame me, I'm very sick and my native language is German.
But okay:
"This is a worried parent with an adult offspring. Said offspring is lacking a finished education, has no job, and is a father himself."

 

[RealCanadianBro]

A lot of retail chains sit you down and have you watch training (propaganda, seriously) videos when you first start.

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Toys R Us does this.

 

[RestEerie]

start working there in a disguise, preferably a mustache

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Nah..just a pair of glass will do.

 

[VectorPrime]

Toys R Us does this.

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Well, did this.

 

[Aureon]

Offer to go with him over the contract to explain how work works.
If that fails because i have no clue if USA companies actually give you a copy, wait and see two weeks or so.
If you have a strong enough relationship where he trusts you enough to admit he lied, break out two glasses of scotch after the kids are asleep and see what happens.

You sound like a standup guy, anyhow. The thread is doing a disservice.

Eesh, he already has a kid too and doesn't care about working to support him/her?? And he's already been seen by professionals and therapy? Sounds like an asshole, frankly. I'd put some very harsh ultimatums. Get your GED, get a job, or get out. At a minimum, at least go volunteer somewhere if a job is difficult to come by (and without a GED, it might be). Grandma and Granpa need to stop enabling him too. Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

Click to shrink...

Holy fuckity fuck.
You may want to read up on statistics on society re-insertion after jail or homelessness, because [ithey're fucking terrifying[/i]

 

[Kittens McMittens]

I'm hoping that it will be a wake up call for him to get things in order in his life. He will be 20 next week and spends most of his days playing videogames and watching streamers. I really feel like he may need a dose of real life to get things in order.

Click to shrink...

The way that successful families achieve this is through support, not through this kind of nonsense. I was a mess for most of my early 20s, and my dad basically ended up driving me to work for years. Now I have my own place that I own (well, mortgage) and am even paying my way through a degree.

Figure out whats up, and offer support. If you go on saying he's taking advantage and talking about kicking him out, you'll just alienate him for life.

 

[Deleted member 925]

Basketball, videogames... lol

I have been sending him links to union open houses, talking to him about getting into a trade. He seems receptive and has brought it up to me before, but if he will go through with it???? I really don't have the confidence. There is one in particular I am more than willing to drive him to.

Click to shrink...

He could make a killing in one of those jobs. I wish I had done that when I was younger.

I think honestly his first step should be his GED. It will give him more sense of purpose to finish that than a part time retail job will, that will only help demoralize him.

 

[QuinchoOsito]

I'm confused.

You said you asked some employees and they said he was the night stockman.

So he does work there??????

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I'm also extremely confused that in 4 pages of this thread this is the only other person who seemed to see the "night stockman" thing. If it's a big grocery store and 2 workers say they don't know him while 2 others say they do know him, that indicates to me that he is working there (or at least was at some point). I worked somewhere similar for a while and certainly did not know every new person immediately, especially if they worked in a different part of the store/different shift. It seems weird to me that everyone is assuming he's lying. He definitely could just be lying and making excuses, but it's at least possible that all that weirdness (uneven hours, people not showing up for training) is happening in a shittily run grocery store.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

Holy fuckity fuck.
You may want to read up on statistics on society re-insertion after jail or homelessness, because [ithey're fucking terrifying[/i]

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Yeah, he should definitely read up on that! Because that's his current trajectory. It would not be good at all.

 

[Aureon]

Yeah, he should definitely read up on that! Because that's his current trajectory. It would not be good at all.

Click to shrink...

He?

Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

Click to shrink...

You wrote this. Get your ducks in order before recommending a parent lets a kid he's caring for end up like that.

 

[Deleted member 11413]

Eesh, he already has a kid too and doesn't care about working to support him/her?? And he's already been seen by professionals and therapy? Sounds like an asshole, frankly. I'd put some very harsh ultimatums. Get your GED, get a job, or get out. At a minimum, at least go volunteer somewhere if a job is difficult to come by (and without a GED, it might be). Grandma and Granpa need to stop enabling him too. Let him get arrested and go to jail for lack of child support payments or live in a shelter for a bit and see the worst parts of life. Might change his perspective on things if he actually has to taste some real life consequences.

Click to shrink...

Ah yes, let him to go jail, that will definitely improve the life and well-being of a 19 year old who is already seeing mental health professionals and in therapy. Wtf kind of advice is this? Pretty rich for you to be calling anyone else an asshole when this is your advice.

 

[Deleted member 19003]

He?



You wrote this. Get your ducks in order before recommending a parent lets a kid he's caring for end up like that.

Click to shrink...

Local county jail is not prison. If he refuses to change things, he may end up there regardless of what Op does. Harsh consequences happen for ignoring your responsibilities as an adult and father. It's not ideal and it should be avoided, but if that's what it takes to have him realize he needs to step up then so be it.