So let me get this out of the way up front: I am not a huge GI Joe, at least in comparison to say, Transformers. I was born in 1990 so bad the time I was cognizant the original 80s cartoon had stopped airing long ago so it never impacted my childhood. I DID watch GI Joe Extreme, and I remember liking (I know, I know) but nowhere nears as much as some of the other cartoons airing around the same time. I did eventually start reading some of the comics and watching the original 80s cartoon, so I am aware of most of the main characters and their traits. And like many people, my favorite character is Snake Eyes.
Now, let's think about Snake Eyes' most defining traits:
-He's a highly trained and skilled Ninja
-He never talks
-He never takes off his mask and you only see his face in fleeting glimpses if at all
-He was an non-Japanese (usually but not always Caucasian) orphan adopted by a Japanese Ninja clan
-His arch-enemy is Storm Shadow, another member of said Ninja clan who was essentially his adopted brother. THey grew up together from boys into adults.
So let's take this fucking film, which I finally saw yesterday because it was up on Paramount+. And like I said, I'm not a huge GI Joe fan, but I know the characters and especially Snake Eyes.
So, who is this?
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS DORK!?
Because he sure as SHIT is not Snake Eyes. Now, unlike a lot of right-leaning assholes, I didn't mind at all that they changed his ethnicity from White to Asian. The original characterization kinda reeked of the Mighty Whitey trope, since Snakes is almost always stated to be the Ninja Clan's best ever student. So changing him to Asian is perfect fine with me.
But everything else?
Who is this guy that's constantly talking? Why do we always see his face? Why does he only encounter the Ninja clan as an adult instead of being raised by them since childhood? Why should we care about the end of his friendship with Storm Shadow when, rather than knowing each other since children and being raises as brothers, they know each other for only a few months at most here?
I don't know who this loser is, but he is NOT Snake Eyes.
And like, even if we ignore all this, the rest of the movie is fucking terrible. Its 2022 and we still have fucking shaky cam in fight scenes. Give me a break.
Oh and one more thing.
What the FUCK was up with the giant snakes that don't eat you if your heart is "pure" or some fucking bullshit? Where did that fucking shit come from!?