PART 3 OF THE 2019 CARNY AWARDS RESULTS! Part 1 is
here. Part 2 is
here. Again, I split the results up to avoid posting too many gifs at once.
WWE Match of the Year
WINNER:
Adam Cole vs. Johnny Gargano, NXT TakeOver: New York: 32.2%
Daniel Bryan vs. Kofi Kingston, WrestleMania 35: 30.1%
Pete Dunne vs. WALTER, NXT TakeOver: New York: 14.7%
Io Shirai vs. Candice LeRae, NXT TakeOver: Toronto: 11.9%
Women's WarGames match, NXT TakeOver: WarGames 2019: 9.1%
Jack Gallagher vs. Kassius Ohno, NXT UK (April 20, 2019): 2.1%
I thought that this match was the best, most excessive version of an NXT TakeOver event, but it wore me out live, especially after a killer Pete Dunne vs. WALTER match for the NXT UK Championship. This was the gem in Adam Cole's inventory of work in 2019, and it wins the Carny Award for best WWE match of the year. Daniel Bryan and Kofi Kingston told a compelling story about Kingston being the underdog against the arrogant Bryan, which is a great reminder of how good a heel Bryan could be. Dunne and WALTER told the best version of a WALTER match that WWE could have. Shirai worked heel against LeRae and brutalized her; they really should have given her the title after that. The Women's WarGames match was a lot of fun, and Gallagher vs. Ohno was some fine quality wrasslin'.
Non-WWE Match of the Year
WINNER:
Will Ospreay vs. Shingo Takagi, NJPW Best of the Super Juniors 2019 Finals: 42.5%
Cody vs. Dustin Rhodes, AEW Double or Nothing: 35%
The Young Bucks vs. The Lucha Brothers, AEW All Out: 10.6%
Magical Sugar Rabbits (Mizuki & Yuka Sakazaki) vs. Mina Shirakawa & Nodoka Tenma, TJPW Fun Fun Summer Vacation! Tokyo Joshi Summer Festival 2019: 5.6%
Invisible Man vs. Invisible Stan, GCW Joey Janela's Spring Break Part 1: 5%
Joey Janela vs. David Starr, Beyond Wrestling Americanrana '19: 1.3%
What happens when you take two of the best wrestlers in the world and tell them to kill it so they can take part in that year's G1 tournament? You get Ospreay vs. Takagi, a hard-hitting match that showed a level of brutality that the junior heavyweights don't normally get to exhibit in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Cody vs. Dustin got a lot of mileage out of blood and brotherhood, while the Bucks and the Lucha Bros. did some high quality flippy nonsense. The joshis were great at getting me invested in their match. Invisible Man vs. Invisible Stan was a magic trick that Bryce Remsburg pulled on the viewing audience. Janela vs. Starr was a hate-filled grudge match and Janela's best shot at showing that he's more than just a deathmatch wrestler and world class booker.
"The Jenna Morasco vs. Sharmell" Award for Worst Fucking Match
WINNER:
The Undertaker vs. Goldberg, WWE Super ShowDown 2019: 40.1%
Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt, WWE Hell in a Cell 2019: 39.5%
Baron Corbin vs. Kurt Angle, WWE Wrestlemania 35: 8.3%
Casino Battle Royale, AEW Double or Nothing: 5.1%
Santana Garrett vs. Taynara Conti, WWE NXT (November 6, 2019): 4.5%
Bad Luck Fale vs. KENTA, NJPW G1 Climax 2019 Night 13: 2.5%
Not only did these two washed up wrestlers take blood money to put out an awful match, they also nearly killed each other, as shown in the unprecedented two (!) gifs that I've attached to this category. I can't wait to see them at WWE Blood Money 2020! Rollins and Wyatt don't have the excuse of old age to explain why their match was awful; at least Corbin could say that his match with Angle was bad because Angle's old and broken. I hated the Casino Battle Royale, which made everyone but Billy Gunn look like a geek. Santana Garrett vs. Taynara Conti might enter the annals of yore as a legendary bad match, but at least their segment beat AEW's segment that evening. Fale vs. KENTA was bad, but Fale is usually bad, so this wasn't surprising.
Promotion of the Year
WINNER:
New Japan Pro Wrestling (NJPW): 37.1%
All Elite Wrestling (AEW): 35.8%
Game Changer Wrestling (GCW): 13.8%
Beyond Wrestling: 6.3%
Dramatic Dream Team Pro-Wrestling (DDT): 5.7%
Marvelous That's Women Pro Wrestling: 1.3%
It was another great year for New Japan Pro Wrestling in this era; it was so good that even the World Tag League was picking up some faint praise. AEW debuted in 2019, and despite some missteps, it seems to have a solid foundation for 2020. GCW consistently entertains its fans; I think the posters who watch GCW regularly only noted one show as disappointing in 2019. Beyond Wrestling deserves a lot of credit for its Uncharted Territory experiment this year and still finding and developing new wrestlers. It also continues to employ Anthony Greene, which should be considered an act of charity. DDT, which includes TJPW, is a solid second to NJPW. Marvelous got two votes, which is nice.
Show of the Year
WINNER:
AEW Double or Nothing: 48.4%
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 13: 21.4%
WWE NXT TakeOver: New York: 19.5%
DDT Peter Pan 2019: 5.7%
GCW Joey Janela's Spring Break Part 1: 3.1%
TJPW Fun Fun Summer Vacation Tokyo Joshi Summer Festival 2019: 1.9%
AEW Double or Nothing was the company's launch in full, and it was Jon Moxley's debut in the company, so I can see why it got the votes that it did. I don't think that it was so much better than Wrestle Kingdom 13, which might be the last one-night Wrestle Kingdom that we'll see in a long time. TakeOver: New York was very good except for the Women's Championship four-way match. Not enough people watched Peter Pan; Joey Janela's Spring Break Part 1 was part of an overstuffed WrestleMania weekend this year. TJPW's show was the joshi representation; I thought it would do better, to be honest.
Best Angle
WINNER:
KENTA's heel turn and Shibata returns: 34.6%
Kofi Kingston's journey to WrestleMania: 32.1%
Bray Wyatt's Firefly Funhouse: 11.3%
The Inner Circle vs. The Elite: 10.7%
David Starr vs. Jordan Devlin in OTT: 7.5%
Blue Demon Jr. vs. Dr. Wagner Jr.'s brawls: 3.8%
KENTA is a wonderful dickish heel, and it was great to see Shibata return and deliver that shotgun dropkick. I still smile when I see that gif (which we'll see later on). Kingston's journey to WrestleMania was the best storytelling that WWE's done in years, while Wyatt's Firefly Funhouse shenanigans had to end at some point. The Inner Circle vs. The Elite was great for the beatdown that Cody and company gave to Jericho and the Inner Circle, but it's been pretty bland otherwise. Starr vs. Devlin was long-term storytelling that you don't get in the indies much these days. I'll leave it to someone else to tell the group why they should have voted for Blue Demon Jr. vs. Dr. Wagner Jr.
The "WWE Promotes Murderous Dictatorships" Award for Angle That Made You Ashamed To Be A Wrestling Fan
"WINNER":
WWE Still Promotes Murderous Dictatorships: 56.9%
WWE's multiple simultaneous cuckolding storylines (Lana/Rusev/Bobby Lashley, Mike and Maria Kanellis, Drake Maverick): 25.6%
Josh Bodom's incident with the referee in Revolution Pro: 6.3%
Teddy Hart, YouTube superstar: 4.4%
Jake Hager joins AEW: 3.8%
King Corbin's dog costume bullshit with Roman Reigns: 3.1%
Look at the progress that WWE has helped Saudi Arabia make! They held a women's match in Saudi Arabia for the first time! Never mind that someone pelted Natalya with a bottle during her entrance.
Never mind that Saudi Arabia still hasn't answered for killing Jamal Khashoggi. And never mind that WWE is complicit in Saudi Arabia's attempts to "sportswash" its atrocities from mainstream memory or the fact that Vince McMahon allegedly stranded his employees in Saudi Arabia because the Saudi government refused to pay for its blood money WWE shows. Back in the States, WWE doubled down on trying to recapture the Attitude Era by letting Paul Heyman run these cuckolding angles.
Bodom's incident with the referee should end Bodom's career; I look forward to IWA-MS booking Josh Bodom in 2020. It's my opinion that Maria Manic is in a terrible relationship with alleged rapist Teddy Hart, and it's ghoulish for us to see them disintegrate on YouTube. Jake Hager is a Trumpist piece of trash, and his biggest talent is that he's big. In an ideal world, he's not associated with AEW at all, but given Jericho's podcast guests, it's not surprising that Jericho has terrible taste in associates. Compared to everything else,
King Corbin's nonsense with the dog costume and
dog food with Roman Reigns seems quaint.
Gif of the Year
WINNER:
Cody's listening: 27.5%
Keith Lee pounces Adam Cole into oblivion: 26.9%
Katsuyori Shibata's shotgun dropkick on KENTA: 13.1%
Shingo Takagi and Hirooki Goto's lariat sequence: 9.4%
Enraptured Tony Khan: 8.8%
Seth Rollins is scared of The Fiend: 5.6%
Shane Mercer launches Logan Stunt: 5%
Sakura Hirota's son saves her from Antonio Honda's Boston crab: 2.5%
Sadika breaks the windshield: 1.2%
I loved all of these options. Cody and Tony Khan have become memes. Seth Rollins's fear of The Fiend should become a meme. Keith Lee's pounce, Shibata's dropkick, Mercer launching Logan Stunt, and Takagi and Goto's lariat sequence are just beautiful pieces of wrestling. Sadika breaking the windshield is a nice piece of ultraviolence. Sakura Hirota's son saving her from the Boston crab is fun and playful, and I appreciated seeing it.
WrassleERA Community MVP Award
WINNER:
Serene: 28.8%
BritishMonsoon: 25.2%
Brian_FETO: 19.4%
Sweeney Swift: 12.2%
Violet: 7.9%
Devenir Ácrata: 6.5%
Friend
Serene's gimmick of optimism held true through a dark 2019. Thank you all for making this such an entertaining community, you bunch of marks and smart marks who don't know they're still marks.
The "I'm Marking Out, Bro" Legit Shook Award for Moment of the Year
WINNER:
Katsuyori Shibata returns and attacks KENTA: 37.7%
Jon Moxley debuts at AEW Double or Nothing: 23.3%
Kofi Kingston beats Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania 35: 18.9%
Cody vs. Dustin and the post-match "I need my brother" speech: 13.8%
Act Yasukawa returning at The Kris Wolf Retirement Show: 3.1%
Yuka & Mizuki attack the fans at TJP Fun Fun Summer Vacation! Tokyo Joshi Summer Festival 2019: 1.9%
Jordan Devlin beats WALTER at OTT Scrappermania: 1.3%
We give Shibata a lot of guff because he ended his career on a stupid shoot headbutt spot in the match against Okada years ago, squandering his potential and nearly killing himself. It's been heartwarming to see him back, and it made me jump in my seat when I saw him deliver that dropkick to KENTA. Moxley's debut at Double or Nothing felt like a big deal, and Kingston beating Bryan was touching. I didn't get into the Rhodes family drama as much; I'm still waiting for one of them to turn on the other. We all love Kris Wolf, and it was good to see Act Yasukawa up and about at Wolf's retirement show. The joshi are gonna joshi. Devlin beating WALTER was the culmination of years of storytelling in OTT, and I hope people check it out.
"Carny Motherfucker" of the Year
"WINNER":
ROH Management: 33.1%
Jim Cornette and NWA Management: 30%
Seth Rollins: 18.8%
Gabe Sapolsky and Evolve: 9.4%
CMLL Management: 6.9%
Court Bauer and Major League Wrestling: 1.9%
Once again, we had to implement the "No Vince McMahon" rule for this category. These are all losers; only Seth Rollins doesn't deserve to be in this category...because he has a category of his own coming up in these awards. We've outlined why ROH is a bunch of carny fuckers who deserve to close so they don't tarnish the legacy of Peak ROH any further. Jim Cornette is an old racist bastard, and NWA management, particularly Dave Lagana, is suspect because they harbored him for as long as they did. There's a reason the NWA (White) Powerrr jokes flew in 2019. Gabe Sapolsky is a carny piece of shit, which should surprise no one. CMLL are carny fuckers for forcing Sofia Alonso out after Paco Alonso died. It is appropriate that Court Bauer and Major League Wrestling is last on this poll since they're underground, low-fi shit that's for the renegades. I'll let Brett Lauerdale land the last shot on MLW:
Fun 'n' Playful Carnyism of the Year
WINNER:
Chris Jericho's "A little bit of the bubbly" memes and losing the AEW Championship: 46.6%
WWE offering Rossy a WWE Hall of Fame ring to tempt him to sell Stardom to them: 17.8%
Maria Kannellis continuing her streak of getting pregnant after signing a contract renewal: 13.5%
Being the Elite: 10.4%
Matt Riddle's one-sided feud with Goldberg: 10.4%
Atsushi Onita, of all people, announces formation of Stardom Idols: 1.2%
The two days after Jericho's "a little bit of bubbly" ad lib promo after winning the AEW Championship at AEW All Out was one of the most entertaining moments in wrestling discourse in 2019. It was
fertile grounds for memes, and Jericho, being the carny fucker that he is, tried to make as much money as he could with
t-shirts that are frankly unwearable and
sparkling wine that is probably undrinkable. Still, you have to respect Jericho's hustle here. I don't care if WWE offering Rossy a WWE Hall of Fame ring to tempt him to sell Stardom to them to start NXT Japan is apocrypha, but I want it to be true. I think the Kanellises planning their family so they can get as much money as possible from WWE is great, and I hope everything tries to get everything that they can from that company. I don't bother with Being the Elite, so I'll take your votes for what they're worth. I am, however, entertained by Matt Riddle's one-sided feud with Goldberg because we all know that Riddle's just trying to work an angle to get a payday against Goldberg. And deathmatch legend Atsushi Onita announcing the formation of Stardom Idols just made me laugh; thanks to whomever nominated that at the end.
Geek of the Year
WINNER:
Seth Rollins: 52.2%
Kenny Omega: 24.8%
Shorty G: 8.7%
YOSHI-HASHI: 8.1%
Simon Miller of WhatCulture: 4.3%
Sasha Banks: 1.9%
The man lost a Twitter feud against Will Ospreay in 2019. I don't know what else needs to be said about Seth Rollins, who ran away with the category that we added to this year's Carny Awards because we needed to recognize his special accomplishments in being an absolute dork. He was so unlikable that they had to turn him heel. His relationship with Becky Lynch actively made her less likable. His acting in the Hell in a Cell match against the Fiend is spectacularly cheesy. He is undoubtedly the geek of the year. Kenny Omega can also lay claim to that title, even if the case isn't as strong for him. The
Kenny's Quest video from Wrestle Kingdom 13 and
his cosplay during his entrance were bad enough, but then he had to use his moping around Japan in his AEW entrance video and then pull that
Undertale entrance out too. You could actually see the life fade from Chad Gable's eyes during the
Shorty G promo, and the
gear is laughably bad. YOSHI-HASHI: what else needs to be said about Tacos's geekery? Simon Miller is a geek because he has to put the bright side spin on WWE's worst creative decision. Sasha Banks is a geek because she'll complain and whine and moan about being employed in WWE and then sign another contract with them.
That's it for the 2019 Carny Awards, folks. This was a lot of fun, and I hope you enjoyed reading each category. Try not to work yourselves into shoots or get worked in 2020; leave that to the professionals, who have started the year by showing their asses in unbelievable ways already. We're not even halfway through January, folks.
