Let.me tell you about my dad

[Wag]

My father lived a long, hard life. He died this morning at the age of 91 from pancreatic cancer. My mom, brother and girlfriend were there when he passed. I got home from back surgery yesterday so I couldn't be there.

My dad was a simple man, and angry, very angry. He never spoke much about himself, his childhood, his family, basically anything. He had two emotions: anger and frustration. I told my brother a few days ago that I knew virtually nothing about my dad and he told me he was in the same boat. He never had any friends, we.dont even know if he had friends as a kid..How he grew up, if he graduated college, etc. Odd that I know more about my father from my long passed grandmother than from him. My mom said the same.

Is providing food, clothes and a.roof enough to be a.parent? I don't know. All I know is for good or ill you have no say in the family you're dealt.

Do I miss my dad? I'm not sure. I don't think I ever really know him, and that's the saddest thing of all.

 

[DiK4]

I'm sorry man. I hope someday maybe you'll be able to find out more about him.

 

[Dhx]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's certainly a difficult one to process. I don't really have any advice but wanted you to know I can appreciate the difficult position of greaving for a parent you seemingly never had a deep connection with good or bad. I do know It will take time and simply talking about it as you are here is a great way to begin.

 

[BAD]

That's really complex in some ways. I hope you feel peace and can move forward, whatever emotions you may have. Sorry for your loss.

 

[echoshifting]

It really sucks that this happened right after you got out of the hospital. Life just piles it on sometimes.

 

[Vilix]

He lived a long life. RIP.

 

[capitalCORN]

What can I say but life is a mixed bag.

 

[Aurica]

I'm sorry for your loss all the same. Sounds like a really complicated father, and those feelings sound complicated, too.

He lived a long life. RIP.

Click to shrink...

I was gonna ask before the edit.

 

[Wag]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's certainly a difficult one to process. I don't really have any advice but wanted you to know I can appreciate the difficult position of greaving for a parent you seemingly never had a deep connection with good or bad. I do know It will take time and simply talking about it as you are here is a great way to begin.

Click to shrink...

As a kid I was terrified of him because every time I spoke to him he would criticize and yell at me. As I got older I got tired and resentful of it and spoke to him as little as possible. Our last conversation was essentially him calling me to tell me what a failure I was for not doing what he wanted me to do. When I told him to please not do this, I don't want to remember him this way he said it was my fault he was yelling at me.

That's how I'll remember him.

 

[Deleted member 38227]

My father lived a long, hard life. He died this morning at the age of 91 from pancreatic cancer. My mom, brother and girlfriend were there when he passed. I got home from back surgery yesterday so I couldn't be there.

My dad was a simple man, and angry, very angry. He never spoke much about himself, his childhood, his family, basically anything. He had two emotions: anger and frustration. I told my brother a few days ago that I knew virtually nothing about my dad and he told me he was in the same boat. He never had any friends, we.dont even know if he had friends as a kid..How he grew up, if he graduated college, etc. Odd that I know more about my father from my long passed grandmother than from him. My mom said the same.

Is providing food, clothes and a.roof enough to be a.parent? I don't know. All I know is for good or ill you have no say in the family you're dealt.

Do I miss my dad? I'm not sure. I don't think I ever really know him, and that's the saddest thing of all.

Click to shrink...

I lost my mother and had the same feelings (I just read your newest post, too). She was a blank slate. But now that some time has passed I realized how great she was... maybe you'll get there and maybe you won't. Grief and loss are not comparable. But remember the good times... I could tell you some horror stories about my mom, but that does';t do anything for me now. She did the best she could but she was broken when I got her. Maybe it's the same, maybe not for you.

 

[brawndolicious]

I don't know, It kind of sounds like he was just ashamed of himself and his own failings and became very bitter towards everyone else to deflect. It sounds like you came out of it all right but just appreciate that you got a good lesson in how valuable a decent parent can be.

 

[TheGreatDirector]

As a kid I was terrified of him because every time I spoke to him he would criticize and yell at me. As I got older I got tired and resentful of it and spoke to him as little as possible. Our last conversation was essentially him calling me to tell me what a failure I was for not doing what he wanted me to do. When I told him to please not do this, I don't want to remember him this way he said it was my fault he was yelling at me.

That's how I'll remember him.

Click to shrink...

Damn, man.

Don't let his negativity affect your life from now on. If you got to take about it to someone, talk about it. Learn from what you've seen and don't end up the bitter man he was.

 

[Venatio]

Tough generation to be born into....he was literally born during the start of the the great depression, and he came of age during WW2.

 

[Threadkular]

I can relate a lot. My father seemingly made a change in his life, going from a tyrannical, abusive man to making some changes and (again seemingly) more relaxed and sometimes even supportive person when I entered my late teens.

That said I harbor a ton of resentment for who my father was when I was growing up as a child. He to this day won't talk about those times. And god forbid his alcohol usage is ever questioned even today.

The summary of what I've found out is "hurt people hurt people" and he's probably just doing what was done to him. Even when we make "pledges" to never be like our parents, we often reenact what was done to us anyway. Family dysfunction like abuse, addiction, etc (there's usually something like that there). But you have an opportunity to speak about it and not pass it on.

While it's ultimately good to get to a point of empathy for him, it's now time for you to express your anger at him in a healthy way so you don't carry it like he did. I'm still expressing my anger at my father for things he hid that I was made aware of a couple years ago. I can't live here forever though.

 

[AZ Greg]

Can I ask how old you are op?

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

My condolences for having to go through that. I don't think the pain of how he treated you will ever go away, but at least now you have the chance to take a few steps forward.

 

[Wag]

Can I ask how old you are op?

Click to shrink...

I'm 51 if that matters.

I knew my parents didnt have long left for some time, but it's still hard to lose a parent regardless of how you feel about them.

 

[Gray Matter]

As a kid I was terrified of him because every time I spoke to him he would criticize and yell at me. As I got older I got tired and resentful of it and spoke to him as little as possible. Our last conversation was essentially him calling me to tell me what a failure I was for not doing what he wanted me to do. When I told him to please not do this, I don't want to remember him this way he said it was my fault he was yelling at me.

That's how I'll remember him.

Click to shrink...

this is heartbreaking.

my condolences, if that means anything to you.

 

[Merv]

My father lived a long, hard life. He died this morning at the age of 91 from pancreatic cancer. My mom, brother and girlfriend were there when he passed. I got home from back surgery yesterday so I couldn't be there.

My dad was a simple man, and angry, very angry. He never spoke much about himself, his childhood, his family, basically anything. He had two emotions: anger and frustration. I told my brother a few days ago that I knew virtually nothing about my dad and he told me he was in the same boat. He never had any friends, we.dont even know if he had friends as a kid..How he grew up, if he graduated college, etc. Odd that I know more about my father from my long passed grandmother than from him. My mom said the same.

Is providing food, clothes and a.roof enough to be a.parent? I don't know. All I know is for good or ill you have no say in the family you're dealt.

Do I miss my dad? I'm not sure. I don't think I ever really know him, and that's the saddest thing of all.

Click to shrink...

Sorry for your loss.

Providing food, clothes, just being present and not abusive is the bare minimum to be a parent. Obviously being distant and angry is it's own form of mental abuse, but could be worse? I know that's probably not helpful.

I wish you peace regardless of it all.

 

[Zoe]

I'm sorry man. I hope someday maybe you'll be able to find out more about him.

Click to shrink...

Does he really need to though?

It's okay to not want more.

 

[DiK4]

Does he really need to though?

It's okay to not want more.

Click to shrink...

Only if he wants to. Seems like it is troubling him. Obviously it's on his Dad for making it so hard to get to know him, but I know from personal experience (my grandpa and my dad's relationship) that the questions linger for a long time.

 

[Reckheim]

Personally, if I was in your shoes, I'd try and find out more about him. But I've always been curious about what makes people the way they are.

Regardless, RIP to your dad.

 

[Lucas M. Thomas]

Sorry for your loss, OP. Both losses - your dad passing away and also this lifelong gap in knowledge about him that you've always longed to be filled. We can't pass on what we were never given ourselves - he may have had a lacking relationship with his own father, and the generation before that, and on and on. One of the best things you can do is break the chain and let yourself be truly known by your loved ones! Don't let yourself be thought of as a blank slate by anyone important to you. :)

 

[Torpedo Vegas]

Sorry bout that. Mine dropped off my 6th birthday present and then I don't know where he went. I not seen or spoken or even heard from anyone if he's even still alive.

 

[mattiewheels]

I can relate completely, I feel like I didn't know very much about my dad when he died. I do value how loving he was, but I wish we had a different kind of relationship and second guess a lot of things about that.

 

[mangopositive]

My dad died on May 29th of last year. I was in a similar boat of weird emotions. He moved from Atlanta to California when I was 13. We thought we were following him there, until the divorce papers came. Shacked up with a lawyer and got out of child support payments. I saw him maybe 7 times in his remaining 29 years. Never even remembered his grandson's birthday. Then again, if he'd done anything differently, I would not have my family. It would be other people. Maybe even no kids, as it was my issue that necessitated IVF and it was my wife's insurance that paid for most of it.

 

[Deleted member 6263]

Crazy long life for someone with cancer. Very sorry for your loss, even more sorry you didn't know your dad better.

How's your back doing after surgery?

 

[The Wraith]

Sorry for you loss. I haven't seen or heard from my father from the age of like 11-12. I don't remember what he even looks like. All I know about him is that he was lined up to go to MIT but pissed it all away because he became addicted to drugs.
At least your father provided for you. If there is one good thing you can take from him it was that. May he Rest In Peace.

 

[Morrison71]

I don't know what to tell you op. I wish I had the chance to know my dad every day since I can remember. He died when I was 1 in a car accident. He was in the army and my mom raised 5 kids on her own.

Honestly there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think what could have been. I probably have serious problems but I wish you would have tried to get to know your dad. I know the situations are quite different and I do wish you the best.

 

[MrNewVegas]

Don't mean to sidestep here but how old are you? Do we have a member in their 70s? OP?

 

[BarryFishFinger]

Hey OP, I can relate. I'd say sorry for your loss, but (it sounds hard and weird to say) is it really that much of a loss? What impacts has the man had in your life other than the negative? What emotional ties have you got with him that would mean he leaves any kind of hole in your life? Doesn't sound like he was much of a father in any meaningful sense, so although it's tempting to truck out the same old platitudes in some cases they're just not applicable. Or maybe I'm just projecting my own host of father issues here, in which case I apologise.

For most people the loss of a parent is a huge event but they're coming from a place where that parent impacted their lives in myriad positive ways, you know like a parent fucking should.

My dad is the same as yours in many ways and hasn't been a notable part of my life for 31 years. Now we have a one line email maybe once or twice a year, he hasn't seen me or his grandchildren for going on 7 years since I attempted to get to know him better and let my kids get to know him but he obviously didn't want to. He never enquires about my life and hasn't for maybe 20 years. I don't know him, he doesn't know me. Aside from the fact he's my father we're essentially strangers and he has never played any kind of 'father' part in my life. I grew up without him, he has never formed any genuine emotional bond with me and I've learnt never to expect anything positive from him. The low level jealously I felt at my friends growing up who had dads who cared, who engaged, who spent time, who were emotionally supportive.

He has throat cancer now, doing better than expected given he wasn't supposed to see his 72nd birthday and he'll be 73 in April but when I got the news I couldn't muster any real emotion. It was a "well, that's sad" thought in the manner that it would be sad if a stranger died. When he finally does die, I genuinely can't imagine how I'll feel, but will it be particularly impactful? I do wonder how it could be, we're strangers.

If we're rational about things, we can see that our parents are products of their parents, their upbringing. My dad had a shitty, cold childhood, an emotionally stunted upbringing so in some ways how could he be anything else with his own children? And yet I suspect I'll always carry this resentment inside me for the things he's done and said and the things he hasn't done, the often simple role of the parent that he totally avoided. When he does die it's hard to know how it will feel.

We have/had complicated relationships with our fathers OP and hopefully you can process this event without too much impact on your life.

 

[baron doggystyle von woof]

Damn man. I immediately texted a few friends and I will play and hug my children when I come home.

My father is kind of the same. He also very bitter, but more to himself. We do talk though, but not as much id like too.

May your father rest in peace, OP.

 

[SturokBGD]

My Dad left his 9 year old daughter unattended while he flew off to Spain with his girlfriend (my Mum couldn't afford child care and this was the 1980s so it wasn't that uncommon to leave young children at home alone). She fell off a swing and died. You sound like you got a good deal. Sorry for your loss.

 

[rusty chrome]

Rest In Peace. He lived longer than most people ever will. Fuck cancer.

 

[AcidCat]

Be a better Dad, if you choose that path.Think of all the ways you can nurture and support your children instead.

 

[FaceHugger]

First, I am so sorry.

Reminds me of my grandad. He had a really rough time as a teenager in WWII, had to fight the Japanese in the Philippines and well we all know that didn't go well for the Americans or natives. He wavered between perfectly happy and then suddenly incredibly sullen. You could look at him and tell his thoughts were a thousand miles and decades away. He lived to 97. I really miss him. He taught me how to make lumpia and also how to properly shoot a rifle.

 

[Toddv360]

I'm sorry for your loss. I got to say I'm pretty curious about his history now though. You would think your mom would know more about him than anyone else so it's pretty surprising to hear she is in the same boat.

 

[Wag]

Crazy long life for someone with cancer. Very sorry for your loss, even more sorry you didn't know your dad better.

How's your back doing after surgery?

Click to shrink...

Since he never spoke about himself that included his health as well. He would never talk about how he was feeling, we didn't know anything was wrong until he was admitted into the hospital 4 or so mos ago for a heart attack. He started losing weight quickly which turned out to be pancreatic cancer. Being of his advanced years the doctors decided not to treat it aggressively.

As far my back, I'm home. I can't really do much but at least I'm not in the hospital or rehab. Food's better at any rate. I first looked at my back yesterday and I have a huge scar that runs all the way up the middle of my back.

 

[Cosmo Kramer]

Well, as a father of three boys aged 2,8 and 13 i can tell you being a father is hard, specially when society puta the presure on dads to be the providers, role models, good husbands. I have to manage all that and still soend quality time with my kids , my wife, my friends, family, you get the point
Most of the times i'm too focused on just being the provider. I want them to have all the need and more, sometimes i can make that happen and sometimes i just can't.

 

[Wag]

My dad liked to read, I do remember him sitting in a chair after work reading Louis L'Amour novels. He liked westerns in particular, Zane Gray, etc. Necer talked about them though.

 

[Plover]

Sounds like your dad was incredibly repressed and had no idea how to cope with his emotions or past. Whatever made him that way is no excuse for treating you like he did. I'm sure his death is difficult in some ways but I hope you find some relief as well.

 

[Deleted member 6263]

Since he never spoke about himself that included his health as well. He would never talk about how he was feeling, we didn't know anything was wrong until he was admitted into the hospital 4 or so mos ago for a heart attack. He started losing weight quickly which turned out to be pancreatic cancer. Being of his advanced years the doctors decided not to treat it aggressively.

As far my back, I'm home. I can't really do much but at least I'm not in the hospital or rehab. Food's better at any rate. I first looked at my back yesterday and I have a huge scar that runs all the way up the middle of my back.

Click to shrink...

Dude being away from hospital food is reason enough to be thankful you're done with all of that mess lol I'm assuming rehab is necessary for the next few months?

 

[Wag]

Dude being away from hospital food is reason enough to be thankful you're done with all of that mess lol I'm assuming rehab is necessary for the next few months?

Click to shrink...

They told me to take it easy for a week and when I go back for a follow up in a week they'll decide what kind of rehab I'll need.

it does appear I won't be able to drive for at least 6-8 weeks which sucks.