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LGBTQera |ERA1| (We're Queer)

Oct 25, 2017
126
You guys have probably heard of the Tanzania situation by now, I assume. :(
Wish I could do something to help the folks over there, saying the situation is rough is putting it lightly.

At least you got a date, I've been ignored there completely :(
I guess I'm too eccentric for most guys, but maybe someday I'll met a guy that will love me for who I am, I should keep looking.
Oh no, by that I meant nothing came out of it at all so rest assured you're not alone! To be fair, that's also a problem on my part. I dunno, it's just very rare someone catches my eye physically speaking.
 
Oct 25, 2017
126
Yeah it feels like there's nothing anyone can directly help with, at least for the moment. Maybe if and when the dust settles, I suppose. My heart goes out to them if nothing else.

On a somewhat selfish personal tangent, this sure isn't helping with my constant state of worry due to the potential outcomes of Bolsonaro's upcoming term around these parts.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,233
This is off topic, and arguably premature, but I claim Tim Hecker's Konoyo to be the best album of 2018.


It's like an early 20th century war dirge as experienced by an existential cyber ghost from the future. It's something I didn't know that I needed in life until I heard it (several times, to be fair).


https://youtu.be/90unmGG4eKI
 
Oct 25, 2017
12,139
I've been considering making a thread on this for a while, but I'm not sure I have the confidence nor the energy to battle through some of the inevitable bigotry the thread would generate.

I'm non-binary, I was male at birth. My entire life I've struggled with this, never feeling either male or female enough to identify as either. During my teenage years I struggled with this a great deal. I was part of the boys club so I was privy to the conversations there, and it was clear that had I expressed my feelings I would have been ridiculed and actively alienated. So, in my fear of being discovered, I sometimes over compensated with negative male behaviours in order to be seen as "one of the boys".

This led to feelings of self-loathing, and the installing of a variety of toxic behaviour patterns over time that I'm only now feeling as if I have the capacity to work through and un-pick.

It's become very apparent to me in the last couple of years that there I still have a lot of these toxic aspects installed, during conversations surrounding women's rights and issues, for example, I've seen myself express some questionable "male" opinions that, upon reflection later, are the exact kind of behaviours I engaged in to fit in.

So now I seem to have two battles, the first being my internal one where I need to confront my own behaviours, and the second attempting to express to my friends and family how I feel and how I wish to be identified.

The former is messy, and very humbling, especially as I realize just how much toxicity I still have a hold of. And it's almost as if I cling to some of it in desperation, it's very troubling at times.

The latter is actually terrifying. While many of my friends and family have always commented on the fact I appear more feminine than male (I've had comments regarding this all my life) so in a way the foundation has been laid and my coming out as it were wouldn't be much of a surprise, I've also heard many of my family and friends express opinions such as "this gender conversation is a bit ridiculous, it seems people are inventing identities just to try to be unique", and similar. I've expressed my wishes to the friends I know are accepting of this and they have been wonderful, but I've yet to approach my family or even update my main social media accounts to reflect these things out of fear of ridicule... and that fear, again, leads to a kind of self-loathing because I feel I'm not being true to myself, that I'm a coward.

My sister is lesbian, and she overtly believes bi-sexual people aren't actually bi and need to "make up their minds" (I'm bi-sexual too, so this is a double battle with her specifically), and I know for sure if I had a conversations about this she'd be ridiculing me both to my face and behind my back, and it's the kind of ridicule that would add to my own fears and the noise in my head.

There's already a voice in my head telling me "why can't you be normal?" that's grown louder over the years, and there's a fear that presenting myself fully as a non-binary person would open myself to so much critique that that voice would become dominant.

I'm feeling quite alienated right now, and I have conversations with myself where I catch myself thinking I should just suppress all of this and just call myself male so I don't have to confront it all... but that makes me miserable, as it's not who I am.

I don't know what I'm expecting from sharing this, but if anyone has any feedback based on their own experiences I would love to read it.
 
Last edited:
Nov 11, 2017
1,839
Florida
I've been considering making a thread on this for a while, but I'm not sure I have the confidence nor the energy to battle through some of the inevitable bigotry the thread would generate.

I'm non-binary, I was male at birth. My entire life I've struggled with this, never feeling either male or female enough to identify as either. During my teenage years I struggled with this a great deal. I was part of the boys club so I was privy to the conversations there, and it was clear that had I expressed my feelings I would have been ridiculed and actively alienated. So, in my fear of being discovered, I sometimes over compensated with negative male behaviours in order to be seen as "one of the boys".

This led to feelings of self-loathing, and the installing of a variety of toxic behaviour patterns over time that I'm only now feeling as if I have the capacity to work through and un-pick.

It's become very apparent to me in the last couple of years that there I still have a lot of these toxic aspects installed, during conversations surrounding women's rights and issues, for example, I've seen myself express some questionable "male" opinions that, upon reflection later, are the exact kind of behaviours I engaged in to fit in.

So now I seem to have two battles, the first being my internal one where I need to confront my own behaviours, and the second attempting to express to my friends and family how I feel and how I wish to be identified.

The former is messy, and very humbling, especially as I realize just how much toxicity I still have a hold of. And it's almost as if I cling to some of it in desperation, it's very troubling at times.

The latter is actually terrifying. While many of my friends and family have always commented on the fact I appear more feminine than male (I've had comments regarding this all my life) so in a way the foundation has been laid and my coming out as it were wouldn't be much of a surprise, I've also heard many of my family and friends express opinions such as "this gender conversation is a bit ridiculous, it seems people are inventing identities just to try to be unique", and similar. I've expressed my wishes to the friends I know are accepting of this and they have been wonderful, but I've yet to approach my family or even update my main social media accounts to reflect these things out of fear of ridicule... and that fear, again, leads to a kind of self-loathing because I feel I'm not being true to myself, that I'm a coward.

My sister is lesbian, and she overtly believes bi-sexual people aren't actually bi and need to "make up their minds" (I'm bi-sexual too, so this is a double battle with her specifically), and I know for sure if I had a conversations about this she'd be ridiculing me both to my face and behind my back, and it's the kind of ridicule that would add to my own fears and the noise in my head.

There's already a voice in my head telling me "why can't you be normal?" that's grown louder over the years, and there's a fear that presenting myself fully as a non-binary person would open myself to so much critique that that voice would become dominant.

I'm feeling quite alienated right now, and I have conversations with myself where I catch myself thinking I should just suppress all of this and just call myself male so I don't have to confront it all... but that makes me miserable, as it's not who I am.

I don't know what I'm expecting from sharing this, but if anyone has any feedback based on their own experiences I would love to read it.
I'm not going to pretend I understand the full context of your situation because I don't and I definitely wish it were easier for you. I've been at the "why can't I be normal" and "family issues" part where you're at though and I can only offer the advice that helped me make it out alive: accept things piece by piece, one at a time, as easily as you can. In my experience, and this could be totally different for you, as I was able to slowly come to terms with pieces of my identity and situation the easier it became to accept all of it. You don't have or need to accept everything at once. Good luck!
 
Jan 11, 2018
4,456
This is off topic, and arguably premature, but I claim Tim Hecker's Konoyo to be the best album of 2018.
My top 3 so far:
  • Amorphis - Queen of Time
  • Orphaned Land - Unsung Prophets & Dead Messiahs
  • Therion - Beloved Antichrist
But I'm eagerly anticipating Resist by Within Temptation as well, due out next month.
 
Oct 25, 2017
126
I've been considering making a thread on this for a while, but I'm not sure I have the confidence nor the energy to battle through some of the inevitable bigotry the thread would generate.

I'm non-binary, I was male at birth. My entire life I've struggled with this, never feeling either male or female enough to identify as either. During my teenage years I struggled with this a great deal. I was part of the boys club so I was privy to the conversations there, and it was clear that had I expressed my feelings I would have been ridiculed and actively alienated. So, in my fear of being discovered, I sometimes over compensated with negative male behaviours in order to be seen as "one of the boys".

This led to feelings of self-loathing, and the installing of a variety of toxic behaviour patterns over time that I'm only now feeling as if I have the capacity to work through and un-pick.

It's become very apparent to me in the last couple of years that there I still have a lot of these toxic aspects installed, during conversations surrounding women's rights and issues, for example, I've seen myself express some questionable "male" opinions that, upon reflection later, are the exact kind of behaviours I engaged in to fit in.

So now I seem to have two battles, the first being my internal one where I need to confront my own behaviours, and the second attempting to express to my friends and family how I feel and how I wish to be identified.

The former is messy, and very humbling, especially as I realize just how much toxicity I still have a hold of. And it's almost as if I cling to some of it in desperation, it's very troubling at times.

The latter is actually terrifying. While many of my friends and family have always commented on the fact I appear more feminine than male (I've had comments regarding this all my life) so in a way the foundation has been laid and my coming out as it were wouldn't be much of a surprise, I've also heard many of my family and friends express opinions such as "this gender conversation is a bit ridiculous, it seems people are inventing identities just to try to be unique", and similar. I've expressed my wishes to the friends I know are accepting of this and they have been wonderful, but I've yet to approach my family or even update my main social media accounts to reflect these things out of fear of ridicule... and that fear, again, leads to a kind of self-loathing because I feel I'm not being true to myself, that I'm a coward.

My sister is lesbian, and she overtly believes bi-sexual people aren't actually bi and need to "make up their minds" (I'm bi-sexual too, so this is a double battle with her specifically), and I know for sure if I had a conversations about this she'd be ridiculing me both to my face and behind my back, and it's the kind of ridicule that would add to my own fears and the noise in my head.

There's already a voice in my head telling me "why can't you be normal?" that's grown louder over the years, and there's a fear that presenting myself fully as a non-binary person would open myself to so much critique that that voice would become dominant.

I'm feeling quite alienated right now, and I have conversations with myself where I catch myself thinking I should just suppress all of this and just call myself male so I don't have to confront it all... but that makes me miserable, as it's not who I am.

I don't know what I'm expecting from sharing this, but if anyone has any feedback based on their own experiences I would love to read it.
I don't have much useful to add tbh but just wanted to say I hear you and throw my two cents your way.
As hard as I'm sure it is to deal with, I find it nice you became able to identify your own problematic behaviors and work on them over time. That's not easy and also not something just anyone is able to do, so do take some pride in that!
Apart from that, the inner vs outer battle part sure is tricky. Wish it could be that you didn't have to feel like you have to choose, but in the meantime Milo's advice sounds like it could be worth a try. As for just ignoring it all and forcing yourself to conform, that just sounds too painful to me. Naive, I suppose, but if it's going to be hard anyway, may as well aim for the alternative that doesn't have you feeling miserable with yourself forever.
Whatever happens though, I hope things work out for you in the end <3
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,257
You guys have probably heard of the Tanzania situation by now, I assume. :(
Wish I could do something to help the folks over there, saying the situation is rough is putting it lightly.
The state of gay rights in Africa just really bums me out. It's worse because I want to visit places on my home continent but so many just have such extreme institutionalised anti-gay bigotry. I'm booked to go to The Gambia next week for a short break and I google the gay rights situation... oh my god. I've been to Zanzibar too where this latest thing happened. I want to travel in Africa but I don't want to spend tourist money in countries where gays are being persecuted. It's a dilema :(. I think after this trip it's the last time. I don't feel good about it.
 
Oct 27, 2017
2,611
The state of gay rights in Africa just really bums me out. It's worse because I want to visit places on my home continent but so many just have such extreme institutionalised anti-gay bigotry. I'm booked to go to The Gambia next week for a short break and I google the gay rights situation... oh my god. I've been to Zanzibar too where this latest thing happened. I want to travel in Africa but I don't want to spend tourist money in countries where gays are being persecuted. It's a dilema :(. I think after this trip it's the last time. I don't feel good about it.
Like many places around the world, the African continent will come around to the fact that LGBTQ people exist and are here to stay. There's no telling when such a time will happen. But some day, some day...
 
Oct 27, 2017
534
Well, after a long agonizing feeling of being closeted I finally came out my whole family. I'm really thankful for my sister and mother, they told me they love me not matter what and that I should live my life for myself and whatever makes me happy. My father.... was different lol. He still loves me as a son but doesn't accept that I'm gay, telling me that it's an illness that can be cured/fixed. That hurt a lot, but I was grateful for my sister telling me I should live for myself and not for my dad. I'm a grown adult.

Despite all that I felt like weight lifted off my shoulders and I can be me without hiding.
 
Oct 25, 2017
126
Well, after a long agonizing feeling of being closeted I finally came out my whole family. I'm really thankful for my sister and mother, they told me they love me not matter what and that I should live my life for myself and whatever makes me happy. My father.... was different lol. He still loves me as a son but doesn't accept that I'm gay, telling me that it's an illness that can be cured/fixed. That hurt a lot, but I was grateful for my sister telling me I should live for myself and not for my dad. I'm a grown adult.

Despite all that I felt like weight lifted off my shoulders and I can be me without hiding.
Pretty sad that as far as coming out stories go that actually isn't even too bad. Much as your dad's views sting though, I'm just glad it worked out overall and you sound satisfied with yourself. Good stuff.
 
Oct 27, 2017
433
Detroit, MI
Well, after a long agonizing feeling of being closeted I finally came out my whole family. I'm really thankful for my sister and mother, they told me they love me not matter what and that I should live my life for myself and whatever makes me happy. My father.... was different lol. He still loves me as a son but doesn't accept that I'm gay, telling me that it's an illness that can be cured/fixed. That hurt a lot, but I was grateful for my sister telling me I should live for myself and not for my dad. I'm a grown adult.

Despite all that I felt like weight lifted off my shoulders and I can be me without hiding.
Congratulations. Remembering to live your life for yourself is extremely important and something I think more people should keep in mind.
 
Oct 25, 2017
68
Well, after a long agonizing feeling of being closeted I finally came out my whole family. I'm really thankful for my sister and mother, they told me they love me not matter what and that I should live my life for myself and whatever makes me happy. My father.... was different lol. He still loves me as a son but doesn't accept that I'm gay, telling me that it's an illness that can be cured/fixed. That hurt a lot, but I was grateful for my sister telling me I should live for myself and not for my dad. I'm a grown adult.

Despite all that I felt like weight lifted off my shoulders and I can be me without hiding.
Congratulations.

Your sister is right. You only have one life and you gotta live for you. Be happy.
 

JCX

Member
Oct 25, 2017
570
Is it fair to even call it a breakup if someone says "We should just be friends" after casually dating for a couple months, even if it we were never officially boyfriends?
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,062
Is it fair to even call it a breakup if someone says "We should just be friends" after casually dating for a couple months, even if it we were never officially boyfriends?
Eh, that sounds like a breakup to me. Casually dating is still dating.
Really interested in hearing people's thoughts on this...lol Similar situation as you JCX. The friends thing kills me, and it also kills me that I get so upset about it and it takes weeks to recover (and with one person months).
 
Oct 25, 2017
68
West Virginia
After a lukewarm, unfruitful attempt at getting a Tinder date, considering giving Grindr a try. Scared though because of the tense anti-lgbtq/minorities climate around here atm, not sure it's wise to put myself out there right now. That said, any Grindr tips for a complete noob not only when it comes to dating apps but just dating in general, anyone?
I had like two meet ups from Grindr that went alright(no hooking up). One guy has become a friend of mine while the other used me as an ATM basically. All in all, stand firm on what you are looking for, as in dating, hanging out, etc as Grindr is more of a hookup app than anything. Just be safe and aware of your surroundings!

I've met some fantastic guys on Tinder but never got a date from there. Dating is dead, atleast in West Virginia.

Goodluck!


Well, after a long agonizing feeling of being closeted I finally came out my whole family. I'm really thankful for my sister and mother, they told me they love me not matter what and that I should live my life for myself and whatever makes me happy. My father.... was different lol. He still loves me as a son but doesn't accept that I'm gay, telling me that it's an illness that can be cured/fixed. That hurt a lot, but I was grateful for my sister telling me I should live for myself and not for my dad. I'm a grown adult.

Despite all that I felt like weight lifted off my shoulders and I can be me without hiding.
First off, congratulations on coming out to your family! It takes measurable amounts of courage to do so. Your mom and sisters reactions are wonderful as your fathers is typical I feel. Regardless of his short sighted opinion, there is nothing wrong with you. Though ignorance can be cured, unlike being gay. He'll come around eventually.

Wishing you the best and live your best life possible. Live for you and only you, and make YOU happy before everyone else. This is your time to live your truth.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,201
Atlanta, GA
I just wanted to share a picture of two of my most favorite things. Sometimes I take it all for granted as we've been together 12 years and sometimes it just dawns on me (like while he's playing Red Dead and I'm trying to take up most of the couch) as to how lucky I am.
Awwww, what cuties, the both of them. :)

I wish my bf was a gamer. He hates games :(
But I love my man




I loooove your hairy legs by the way!
Y'all too, cute couple. :)

As long as we're posting pics, this is my boyfriend Ian. <3 him so much. He's the best.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,201
Atlanta, GA
Thanks Aarglefarg. :)
Yeah, we met like 6 months ago at a gay picnic and were friends for a while, hung out and such, then Pride happened last month and I decided to hold his hand and we cuddled in the park and listened to music all day. It was a perfect day and we've been talking and going out since then. Love him to bits. :D
 

JCX

Member
Oct 25, 2017
570
Really interested in hearing people's thoughts on this...lol Similar situation as you JCX. The friends thing kills me, and it also kills me that I get so upset about it and it takes weeks to recover (and with one person months).
Yeah after asking a bunch of friends, the consensus seems to be "it's a kind of a breakup", but not he same as one where both people mutually agreed that they liked each other romantically

Just kinda sucks when they say "I want to be friends" which I imagine is easier for them since they already do not have romantic feelings for me in the way I did for them. I've tried being just friends after a breakup before and it never feels right, at least not immediately after. I could see myself being friends with some former flames a year from now, but not when my feelings are so raw. Now I usually block/mute them on social sites so i am not tempted to text them.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,062
Yeah after asking a bunch of friends, the consensus seems to be "it's a kind of a breakup", but not he same as one where both people mutually agreed that they liked each other romantically

Just kinda sucks when they say "I want to be friends" which I imagine is easier for them since they already do not have romantic feelings for me in the way I did for them. I've tried being just friends after a breakup before and it never feels right, at least not immediately after. I could see myself being friends with some former flames a year from now, but not when my feelings are so raw. Now I usually block/mute them on social sites so i am not tempted to text them.
Ya, someone keeps messaging me a lot, commenting on my stories, etc and promising to hang out and it bothers me because when I actually want to do so they don't respond. So it all seems hollow and in-genuine and it's like, just stop messaging me if you don't actually gaf.
 
Oct 25, 2017
195
East Coast, USA
So for the second time something similar happened: this guy told me "I love your skin color"

Question to fellow people of color here: is that a common compliment when you are with a white guy/girl? This is the second time, with a second guy that it happens, and it just makes me go hmm.... I asked him what he meant by that and he said "oh it just means I like you" but wouldn't it better to just say that? I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it but it was just unexpected, once again.

Just hmmm...

Awwww, what cuties, the both of them. :)


Y'all too, cute couple. :)

As long as we're posting pics, this is my boyfriend Ian. <3 him so much. He's the best.
Aww, you two are such a cute couple! Congratulations on the bf!
 
Oct 25, 2017
126
I had like two meet ups from Grindr that went alright(no hooking up). One guy has become a friend of mine while the other used me as an ATM basically. All in all, stand firm on what you are looking for, as in dating, hanging out, etc as Grindr is more of a hookup app than anything. Just be safe and aware of your surroundings!

I've met some fantastic guys on Tinder but never got a date from there. Dating is dead, atleast in West Virginia.

Goodluck!
Good stuff, thank you!

Also aww so many cute couples and stories. You are all beautiful <3
 
Oct 27, 2017
433
Detroit, MI
So for the second time something similar happened: this guy told me "I love your skin color"

Question to fellow people of color here: is that a common compliment when you are with a white guy/girl? This is the second time, with a second guy that it happens, and it just makes me go hmm.... I asked him what he meant by that and he said "oh it just means I like you" but wouldn't it better to just say that? I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it but it was just unexpected, once again.

Just hmmm...



Aww, you two are such a cute couple! Congratulations on the bf!
I've never had anyone personally say that to me, no. Usually when a guy only likes me because of my race and feels the need to point it out, he drops terms like "BBC" or "mandingo" (ugh) and then I politely extricate myself from the conversation.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,896
So for the second time something similar happened: this guy told me "I love your skin color"

Question to fellow people of color here: is that a common compliment when you are with a white guy/girl? This is the second time, with a second guy that it happens, and it just makes me go hmm.... I asked him what he meant by that and he said "oh it just means I like you" but wouldn't it better to just say that? I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it but it was just unexpected, once again.

Just hmmm...
All the time, and I don't even hook up with dudes anymore. I always treat it as innocuous and a sign that that person has had limited interaction with PoC outside of porn. They can be easily corrected.

Unlike...

I've never had anyone personally say that to me, no. Usually when a guy only likes me because of my race and feels the need to point it out, he drops terms like "BBC" or "mandingo" (ugh) and then I politely extricate myself from the conversation.
Some people are into the fetish of it all. Not I. I do the same as Manipular.
 
What about the reverse? My husband, who is Filipino, will sometimes say how much he likes how white I am.. I just laugh, but apparently tan skin in their culture is treated as an indicator of a lower class and manual/outdoor labor, so being lighter-skinned is desirable.
 
Nov 4, 2017
549
Ugh, the perils of asking a guy if he wants to be my BF. We're super good friends as it is and like each other a lot, and I'm terrified regardless. He might decline for so many reasons, too. And what if it negatively affects our friendship? Why is this whole 'not being alone' thing so difficult...
 
Oct 26, 2017
1,160
Ugh, the perils of asking a guy if he wants to be my BF. We're super good friends as it is and like each other a lot, and I'm terrified regardless. He might decline for so many reasons, too. And what if it negatively affects our friendship? Why is this whole 'not being alone' thing so difficult...
Hmmm. Do you know if he is gay, available and potentially interested? Did he show interest in you beyond Friendship? Did you try to drop some hints that you like-LIKE him? Try a subtle, light approach.
In any case, if you try nothing, you won't ever know. Worst case scenario he is not interested. It may be a little hard at the beginning, but if you are good friends I bet you would be able to go back to how you were before.
 
Nov 4, 2017
549
Hmmm. Do you know if he is gay, available and potentially interested? Did he show interest in you beyond Friendship? Did you try to drop some hints that you like-LIKE him? Try a subtle, light approach.
In any case, if you try nothing, you won't ever know. Worst case scenario he is not interested. It may be a little hard at the beginning, but if you are good friends I bet you would be able to go back to how you were before.
He's 100% gay, and available too, but he's pretty busy in his life right now and I almost don't want to bother him with adding another thing to juggle in the form of a relationship. And, according to a mutual friend, he thinks I'm very cute, and even said it out loud out of nowhere. And, I've tried hints, but I don't see any being returned (though I can be super dense and literal, so idk on that front). With this in mind, I'm sorta puzzled as to whether or not I should wait until he gets things sorted in his life and risk missing out on the opportunity later (which has happened to me twice in the past 6 months, which hurt a lot), or ask now and worry about the plentiful amount of things that could go wrong. I sorta need to let him know I'm interested without being too forceful, and subtlety isn't easy at all for me.

BUT, I really like him and he really likes me, so... I guess I'll have to ask, when the opportunity comes up. But, I'm scared of a lot of things going wrong, because I kinda fell for him pretty hard, which seemingly amplifies negative consequences for me. And in turn, I get nervous and find the status quo way too comfortable as well. This is so pointlessly difficult. And I'm making it more difficult with stupid meandering thoughts that lead to me not doing anything.
 
Oct 25, 2017
126
He's 100% gay, and available too, but he's pretty busy in his life right now and I almost don't want to bother him with adding another thing to juggle in the form of a relationship. And, according to a mutual friend, he thinks I'm very cute, and even said it out loud out of nowhere. And, I've tried hints, but I don't see any being returned (though I can be super dense and literal, so idk on that front). With this in mind, I'm sorta puzzled as to whether or not I should wait until he gets things sorted in his life and risk missing out on the opportunity later (which has happened to me twice in the past 6 months, which hurt a lot), or ask now and worry about the plentiful amount of things that could go wrong. I sorta need to let him know I'm interested without being too forceful, and subtlety isn't easy at all for me.

BUT, I really like him and he really likes me, so... I guess I'll have to ask, when the opportunity comes up. But, I'm scared of a lot of things going wrong, because I kinda fell for him pretty hard, which seemingly amplifies negative consequences for me. And in turn, I get nervous and find the status quo way too comfortable as well. This is so pointlessly difficult. And I'm making it more difficult with stupid meandering thoughts that lead to me not doing anything.
Honestly, sounds like a great catch so I say give it a go. If he really is too busy to get into something right now and you're as close as it sounds, I get the impression he could also be open to getting a relationship going at some point afterward. I say maybe just be upfront about that worry from the start and see where it gets you!
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,257
So for the second time something similar happened: this guy told me "I love your skin color"

Question to fellow people of color here: is that a common compliment when you are with a white guy/girl? This is the second time, with a second guy that it happens, and it just makes me go hmm.... I asked him what he meant by that and he said "oh it just means I like you" but wouldn't it better to just say that? I dunno, maybe I'm overthinking it but it was just unexpected, once again.

Just hmmm...
Yeah I get that. I just accept it as a nice compliment to be honest.

He's 100% gay, and available too, but he's pretty busy in his life right now and I almost don't want to bother him with adding another thing to juggle in the form of a relationship. And, according to a mutual friend, he thinks I'm very cute, and even said it out loud out of nowhere. And, I've tried hints, but I don't see any being returned (though I can be super dense and literal, so idk on that front). With this in mind, I'm sorta puzzled as to whether or not I should wait until he gets things sorted in his life and risk missing out on the opportunity later (which has happened to me twice in the past 6 months, which hurt a lot), or ask now and worry about the plentiful amount of things that could go wrong. I sorta need to let him know I'm interested without being too forceful, and subtlety isn't easy at all for me.

BUT, I really like him and he really likes me, so... I guess I'll have to ask, when the opportunity comes up. But, I'm scared of a lot of things going wrong, because I kinda fell for him pretty hard, which seemingly amplifies negative consequences for me. And in turn, I get nervous and find the status quo way too comfortable as well. This is so pointlessly difficult. And I'm making it more difficult with stupid meandering thoughts that lead to me not doing anything.
Eh I would just ask him out on a date if I was you. Try to avoid making it into such a big thing in your head. Make sure you say 'date' so there is no ambiguity. Just pick up the courage and go for it. :)

Like many places around the world, the African continent will come around to the fact that LGBTQ people exist and are here to stay. There's no telling when such a time will happen. But some day, some day...
Not going to be any time soon in Africa though. :( Being here and reminded how insanely friendly people are here it's crazy to think they can be so bigoted at the same time.
 
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Ambient80

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
1,238
I've met some fantastic guys on Tinder but never got a date from there. Dating is dead, atleast in West Virginia.

Goodluck!.
Ayyy fellow WV’ian! Yeah dating in WV is just dumb. Dating apps are just faceless profiles looking for a hookup, and it’s never particularly safe to talk to someone at a bar (at least in my experience). I’m actually in OH now but I frequently visit family in WV. Where I live now isn’t much better, lol. I’ve met a couple friends on Grindr and Growlr tho.
 
Oct 27, 2017
154
Costa Rica
He's 100% gay, and available too, but he's pretty busy in his life right now and I almost don't want to bother him with adding another thing to juggle in the form of a relationship. And, according to a mutual friend, he thinks I'm very cute, and even said it out loud out of nowhere. And, I've tried hints, but I don't see any being returned (though I can be super dense and literal, so idk on that front). With this in mind, I'm sorta puzzled as to whether or not I should wait until he gets things sorted in his life and risk missing out on the opportunity later (which has happened to me twice in the past 6 months, which hurt a lot), or ask now and worry about the plentiful amount of things that could go wrong. I sorta need to let him know I'm interested without being too forceful, and subtlety isn't easy at all for me.

BUT, I really like him and he really likes me, so... I guess I'll have to ask, when the opportunity comes up. But, I'm scared of a lot of things going wrong, because I kinda fell for him pretty hard, which seemingly amplifies negative consequences for me. And in turn, I get nervous and find the status quo way too comfortable as well. This is so pointlessly difficult. And I'm making it more difficult with stupid meandering thoughts that lead to me not doing anything.
I'd say you should go for it.

Even in the worst case, your doubts will be cleared, and in the best case you will have a bf :)
 
Oct 25, 2017
639
Canada
I've been having a real issue this year maintaining friendships due to guys catching feelings. It's honestly quite frustrating. I've been making an effort to be more involved in the LGBT+ community and making more friends under our umbrella. I live in a relatively small town, so it's not easy; but I've made a couple gay friends this year. Problem is, literally all of them have told me that they "can't just be friends" and want more, or nothing at all. It's really upsetting. I just need some friends right now, especially friends that can understand/share some of the struggles and ideas that I have as a gay man. Every time I think that I've found a good friend, they either confess their feelings or try to initiate something intimate.

I'm not saying it's impossible for gay guys to just be friends, I know it happens, I've had it before. Just seems like it's been especially difficult since moving back to my hometown. Maybe it wouldn't be such an issue if I was looking for a relationship right now, but I'm not and I'm very clear about that off the jump. idk, maybe this is a small and petty thing to complain about. I just need some friends right now, and people keep cutting me off for something that's way out of my control.

Black Friday shopping for underwear
Any good online finds?
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,368
Idk of this is the proper place to post so forgive me if I'm out of line. I'm bi, never really posted here so hello all. I decided to finally give it a shot and I bought myself an anal toy. What should I know going in, I've never inserted anything but I'm weirdly excited. It's a aneros helix syn because I heard it was good for beginners.
 
Nov 4, 2017
549
Honestly, sounds like a great catch so I say give it a go. If he really is too busy to get into something right now and you're as close as it sounds, I get the impression he could also be open to getting a relationship going at some point afterward. I say maybe just be upfront about that worry from the start and see where it gets you!
Eh I would just ask him out on a date if I was you. Try to avoid making it into such a big thing in your head. Make sure you say 'date' so there is no ambiguity. Just pick up the courage and go for it. :)
I'd say you should go for it.

Even in the worst case, your doubts will be cleared, and in the best case you will have a bf :)
Well, that seems pretty unanimous. I'll try to work up the courage, wait for the right moment, and ask away~
 

RatskyWatsky

Community Resettler
Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,687
Idk of this is the proper place to post so forgive me if I'm out of line. I'm bi, never really posted here so hello all. I decided to finally give it a shot and I bought myself an anal toy. What should I know going in, I've never inserted anything but I'm weirdly excited. It's a aneros helix syn because I heard it was good for beginners.
Go slow, don't force it in. Try to relax (music, weed, etc) and breathe. Use lots and lots of lube.
 
OP
OP
Sai

Sai

The Fallen
Oct 25, 2017
2,052
Chicago
You can never use too much lube, honestly.

BTW, do we have any Miami folks in here? I'm gonna be visiting for a week in December and I wanna know all the gayest shit to do and see.