LGBTQera |ERA1| (We're Queer)

TheCthultist

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,530
New York
Hey everyone, was wondering if y’all might be able to lend a hand here.

I have a friend who has recently (within the last couple years, but mainly this past year in earnest) come out as genderqueer and more recently trans. We’ve been friends since high school (pushing 10 years now), well before she was comfortable talking about any of this stuff and way before she even hinted at any of it. She’s been super unconfident and self-conscious about the whole thing and is basically afraid to bring it up in person with others, opting instead to do short vlogs about her expereince with the entire process and what she’s gone through essentially keeping it all a secret from the world until now.

To the best of my knowledge, I’m pretty much the only other one in our friend group involved with LGBTQ, and while I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible ever since she came out, I lack any real experience dealing with the stuff she’s going through (I’m bi and have never really faced any adversity for it). So beyond just being a supportive friend, there’s only so much I can really bring to the table in terms of advice. She’s gone through some real rough stuff mentally speaking, being suicidal for a while while kind of confronting her demons and deciding to let others in. She’s doing better now, but still seems to be just kind of hanging on rather than actually being comfortable with the whole situation.

I was hoping some of you who have had some experience confronting difficulties both coming out and just being accepted by others and yourself might be able to help. Like I said, she’s got a YouTube channel where she uploads these vlogs occasionally and I think it’d be really helpful for her to get some feedback there where she’ll be able to see it without feeling confronted or anything like that. I’m definitely still going to keep trying to do everything I can in person to help become more comfortable and confident, but if anyone can spare a few minutes to just go through a few of her videos or offer some advice in the comments there, I’d appreciate it.

This was her latest vlog and one where she kind of touches on a little bit of what she’s been running into, though still not nearly as in-depth as what we’ve discussed in person; however briefly.

Sorry if this derailed anything. Normally wouldn’t make a request of anyone in this way, but I’m just really worried she might start slipping back into depression if things don’t keep improving...
 

Kismet

Banned
Nov 9, 2017
1,432
Always support her. And advice her to seek out professional help as well..

I was raised muslim and was always afraid of coming out. But everyone has been very nice and supportive so far. I still haven't told everyone ,though. I'm muslim from Albania, so I'm surrounded by religion and culture that's very harsh towards the LGBTQ+ community.

Good thing I live in the Netherlands otherwise I would've stayed in the closet...
 

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
3,424
I've gotten some bites (not literal bites, as that's not a fetish of mine) on the dating apps, but I never know how to continue a conversation through messaging. Plus, I have to work on my self-confidence. Years of being called "fag" and other unsavory insults growing up by a small group of people throughout school and never having been in actual relationship ever hasn't helped with that.
 

shinra-bansho

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,455
Since you bring up the hookup apps, I am kind of curious on people's thoughts on sexual racism, or I guess some people would want to call it preference.

Like I am sure some of you have seen things like this:

It's interesting that despite our history of being a marginalised group, there is an obvious gay racial desirability hierarchy.
I am sure this occurs with lesbians too.

Do people generally find this acceptable?
Do you find this acceptable and do it? What do you do to rationalise this?
Even if you don't find it acceptable in theory, do you still do it? Do you feel any dissonance from this?

(I am a gaysian, in a ltr with a gaysian)
 

DrainedSpirit

Member
Mar 25, 2019
176
Hey all fellow queers, fresh gay boi reporting in. Life sucks atm, someone pls say something uplifting lol.

I've gotten some bites (not literal bites, as that's not a fetish of mine) on the dating apps, but I never know how to continue a conversation through messaging. Plus, I have to work on my self-confidence. Years of being called "fag" and other unsavory insults growing up by a small group of people throughout school and never having been in actual relationship ever hasn't helped with that.
Good on you for grabbing life by the balls and getting into dating apps, more than I can say for myself. Don't obsess with constantly being witty and funny, casually steer into topics that everyone can relate to like music, books, movies, games etc. and take it from there :)

Since you bring up the hookup apps, I am kind of curious on people's thoughts on sexual racism, or I guess some people would want to call it preference.

Like I am sure some of you have seen things like this:

It's interesting that despite our history of being a marginalised group, there is an obvious gay racial desirability hierarchy.
I am sure this occurs with lesbians too.

Do people generally find this acceptable?
Do you find this acceptable and do it? What do you do to rationalise this?
Even if you don't find it acceptable in theory, do you still do it? Do you feel any dissonance from this?

(I am a gaysian, in a ltr with a gaysian)
Preference is one thing but might be a problem when it crosses over into a hard-set fixation. At the same time what is the difference between preferring bears, twinks, otters and preferring asians, blacks or whatever? I guess the root of the problem is when peoples preferences are based on racial stereotypes and the like and when people throw around racial slurs like "rice queen" in the video, that can never be okay. Also, the nature of hook-up apps as a quick and dirty tool for getting off hardly lay a good groundwork for more nuanced relationship-cultivating or thought. Sorry for the rambling, I don't really have an answer.
 

Plainswalker

Member
Apr 14, 2018
846
Canada
Since you bring up the hookup apps, I am kind of curious on people's thoughts on sexual racism, or I guess some people would want to call it preference.

Like I am sure some of you have seen things like this:

It's interesting that despite our history of being a marginalised group, there is an obvious gay racial desirability hierarchy.
I am sure this occurs with lesbians too.

Do people generally find this acceptable?
Do you find this acceptable and do it? What do you do to rationalise this?
Even if you don't find it acceptable in theory, do you still do it? Do you feel any dissonance from this?

(I am a gaysian, in a ltr with a gaysian)
"Preferences" are one thing. You can prefer body hair or no body hair, or prefer one sexual act over another. "Preferences" based in race are *almost* always based in racism, whether the holder of such an opinion is aware that it's based in a form of racial prejudice or not. To say that you're "not attracted to black men" or Asian men or whatever...to start, black people are not a monolith. There are literally millions of different black men and none of them are entirely alike. Same goes with any other example of race. To discount an entire race is racism full stop, because guess what, the only thing that they have in common is the colour of their skin--and even then, there are thousands of variations on even that. Like what is "Asian men" anyway? There are, again, hundreds of different ethnic groups in Asia, all of them quite different, and then billions of individuals total in every group. Russian is technically Asian in that it's on the Asian subcontinent. Not being attracted to black men or Asian men or Indian men or whomever, no matter how they try to rationalize their "preference" of skin tone in a sexual partner, is racism.
 

shinra-bansho

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,455
Some thoughtful responses. And it's a huge issue for the gay community to unpack I think.
Preference is one thing but might be a problem when it crosses over into a hard-set fixation. At the same time what is the difference between preferring bears, twinks, otters and preferring asians, blacks or whatever? I guess the root of the problem is when peoples preferences are based on racial stereotypes and the like and when people throw around racial slurs like "rice queen" in the video, that can never be okay. Also, the nature of hook-up apps as a quick and dirty tool for getting off hardly lay a good groundwork for more nuanced relationship-cultivating or thought. Sorry for the rambling, I don't really have an answer.
There is a huge problem I think with sexual stereotypes - Asians = undersexualised submissive bottoms, Black guys = hypersexualised dominant tops.
A "rice queen" would frankly be highly disappointed by the amount of body hair I have lol, but (in true ERA form) pleasantly surprised in my defiance of other harmful stereotypes.

I think someone did a (pretty unscientific) experiment, where they put two pretty similar profiles together one with an white hunk and one with an east Asian one, listed all the stats the same, height, weight, age, build, "size" - the differences in responses was pretty stark.

(There is frankly also a huge problem with the idea that someone who likes to bottom should be considered submissive, less of a man, whatever etc at all)

"Preferences" are one thing. You can prefer body hair or no body hair, or prefer one sexual act over another. "Preferences" based in race are *almost* always based in racism, whether the holder of such an opinion is aware that it's based in a form of racial prejudice or not. To say that you're "not attracted to black men" or Asian men or whatever...to start, black people are not a monolith. There are literally millions of different black men and none of them are entirely alike. Same goes with any other example of race. To discount an entire race is racism full stop, because guess what, the only thing that they have in common is the colour of their skin--and even then, there are thousands of variations on even that. Like what is "Asian men" anyway? There are, again, hundreds of different ethnic groups in Asia, all of them quite different, and then billions of individuals total in every group. Russian is technically Asian in that it's on the Asian subcontinent. Not being attracted to black men or Asian men or Indian men or whomever, no matter how they try to rationalize their "preference" of skin tone in a sexual partner, is racism.
There was actually a study on this, I think there are quite a few probably.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-30734-001
Although some characterize discrimination among partners on the basis of race as a form of racism, others present it as a matter of preference. In May 2011, 2177 gay and bisexual men in Australia participated in an online survey that assessed how acceptably they viewed online sexual racism. Although the men sampled displayed diverse attitudes, many were remarkably tolerant of sexual racism. We conducted two multiple linear regression analyses to compare factors related to men’s attitudes toward sexual racism online and their racist attitudes more broadly. Almost every identified factor associated with men’s racist attitudes was also related to their attitudes toward sexual racism. The only differences were between men who identified as Asian or Indian. Sexual racism, therefore, is closely associated with generic racist attitudes, which challenges the idea of racial attraction as solely a matter of personal preference.
Basically, the same things that line up with someone being racist in general, similarly drive people being more racially selective in their choice of sexual and romantic partners. And the rise of apps has seemingly made it worse.

EDIT: To someone's point earlier, I wonder how much of this (sexual racism, body image issues, position preference stereotypes) is driven by the massive pervasiveness of porn now.
 
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Manipular

Member
Oct 27, 2017
510
Detroit, MI
I forgot how early some states/cities start their Pride stuff, so I was shocked to see Florida and Arizona having parties already. Still got another 2 months to go before any (official) Pride activities start here, sadly.
 

Milo Rambaldi

Member
Nov 11, 2017
4,048
Florida
Memorial Day weekend is a huge thing here in Pensacola but I have never been able to brave the crowd. Coincidentally, I'm taking that week off this year but I don't think I'm gonna go out into that stuff.
 

Raxus

Member
Oct 26, 2017
3,572
Started softball practice last weekend. Got bopped in the face but my skills and lack of hand eye coordination are improving!
 

JCX

Member
Oct 25, 2017
720
Since you bring up the hookup apps, I am kind of curious on people's thoughts on sexual racism, or I guess some people would want to call it preference.

Like I am sure some of you have seen things like this:

It's interesting that despite our history of being a marginalised group, there is an obvious gay racial desirability hierarchy.
I am sure this occurs with lesbians too.

Do people generally find this acceptable?
Do you find this acceptable and do it? What do you do to rationalise this?
Even if you don't find it acceptable in theory, do you still do it? Do you feel any dissonance from this?

(I am a gaysian, in a ltr with a gaysian)

Black guy here, I've seen all sorts of awful things. Especially since I am a bigger guy, , I get a lot of the "dom bbc" stuff from guys on the apps. As others already said, discounting an entire race is kinda insane and def racist. I love telling jokes about grindr racism in my standup because I can see the POCs in the audience laugh and the white gays clam up as if they don't know how often that happens.

Porn def has a big impact on the gay community - all the grindr tribes are from porn and are mostly based on white guy characteristics, ignoring other groups who may not be as hairy or have other phenotypical traits.
 

Manipular

Member
Oct 27, 2017
510
Detroit, MI
Black guy here, I've seen all sorts of awful things. Especially since I am a bigger guy, , I get a lot of the "dom bbc" stuff from guys on the apps. As others already said, discounting an entire race is kinda insane and def racist. I love telling jokes about grindr racism in my standup because I can see the POCs in the audience laugh and the white gays clam up as if they don't know how often that happens.

Porn def has a big impact on the gay community - all the grindr tribes are from porn and are mostly based on white guy characteristics, ignoring other groups who may not be as hairy or have other phenotypical traits.
Yeeep, dating as a black gay guy is frequently a sanity-straining affair lol. I have to learn to laugh about a lot of it (the smaller stuff, at least), otherwise I'd probably kill someone.
 

sqwarlock

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,270
Irvine, CA
So, dumb question but I'm having gender thoughts and it's killing me.
I present as male (bald and bearded thanks) but I have an ever-growing desire to embrace more traditionally- or modern-feminine things (nail polish, skirts, wigs (I WANT HAIR AGAIN, DAMN IT), tunics, cloaks, shrugs, etc.). I'm not sure if I want to present as female when I do this—like, I don't want to shave my beard—but I also want to *feel* freer and more in touch with my feminine-side of things.

The question is, does this make me non-binary at all? I know it's a silly thing to ask, but in my constant search for identity, well, it's got me confused.
 
So, dumb question but I'm having gender thoughts and it's killing me.
I present as male (bald and bearded thanks) but I have an ever-growing desire to embrace more traditionally- or modern-feminine things (nail polish, skirts, wigs (I WANT HAIR AGAIN, DAMN IT), tunics, cloaks, shrugs, etc.). I'm not sure if I want to present as female when I do this—like, I don't want to shave my beard—but I also want to *feel* freer and more in touch with my feminine-side of things.

The question is, does this make me non-binary at all? I know it's a silly thing to ask, but in my constant search for identity, well, it's got me confused.
It can potentially point to being nonbinary or trans, but not 100%

Really only you can say what you identify as, gender is complex and personal, and with time you may find something that fits you, but no matter what you identify as you should present how you like for any reason!

(I'm also hoping to God I can hold on to my hair, my forehead is as big enough already >.>)

Edit I'm basically going though the same questions you are, and I'm giving you the same advice I've been told :v
 

sqwarlock

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,270
Irvine, CA
It can potentially point to being nonbinary or trans, but not 100%

Really only you can say what you identify as, gender is complex and personal, and with time you may find something that fits you, but no matter what you identify as you should present how you like for any reason!

(I'm also hoping to God I can hold on to my hair, my forehead is as big enough already >.>)

Edit I'm basically going though the same questions you are, and I'm giving you the same advice I've been told :v
If it makes you feel any better, without the contrast of hair or a hairline, your forehead won't really look any bigger.
 

JCX

Member
Oct 25, 2017
720
Haven't posted a pic here in a while so here I go [edit: fixed]


Anyone have big plans this weekend? I'm hopefully relaxing for once, but might see some friends on Sunday.
 
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DrainedSpirit

Member
Mar 25, 2019
176
Haven't posted a pic here in a while so here I go


Anyone have big plans this weekend? I'm hopefully relaxing for once, but might see some friends on Sunday.
Pic broken :/ No plans, praying that my new speakers arrive tomorrow so I can bomb some music in the comfort of my own home for the rest of the weekend.
 

SevenOfRhyme

Member
Oct 27, 2017
159
Chicago
So this just happened with the people who make the stickers for sharefactory on PS4... Click for the thread... Sony gay and horny confirmed.


Also hi everyone have posted here in a while! Where my Chicago gays at?
 

Plainswalker

Member
Apr 14, 2018
846
Canada
Haven't posted a pic here in a while so here I go [edit: fixed]


Anyone have big plans this weekend? I'm hopefully relaxing for once, but might see some friends on Sunday.
Forgive me for sounding thirsty but you look fantastic omg.

No big plans for this weekend for me. My town has a large indoor garage sale tomorrow so I might go poke around there but that's probably going to be all of note here.
 

Kismet

Banned
Nov 9, 2017
1,432
Currently on the road for a business fair. I usually like to open up grindr during these events, just for chat and networking. No sex. Met some nice people from the industry this way.

One guy started to write to me. He asked me if I was from resetera! I said yes and told him it was funny he recognized me. I use a different picture there. He said he's not a resetera member yet. He had a faceless profile and he stopped talking after I told him I was a visitor.

If you read this, grindr guy: Create a resetera account and join us :p

I've had people recognizing me on grindr before- people that have seen mee in real. But never a resetera lurker :D
 

Thequietone

Member
Oct 26, 2017
1,283
I swear I saw someone in real life that was letters GAF/ERA but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure which one of you it was and I am bad at that kind of stuff.
 

JCX

Member
Oct 25, 2017
720
Pic broken :/ No plans, praying that my new speakers arrive tomorrow so I can bomb some music in the comfort of my own home for the rest of the weekend.
Did they arrive? I need a new Bluetooth speaker. My current one has abysmal battery life.


Might go out on a date with a guy I've previously chatted with on Grindr.
Nice! Hope it went well :)

Forgive me for sounding thirsty but you look fantastic omg.

No big plans for this weekend for me. My town has a large indoor garage sale tomorrow so I might go poke around there but that's probably going to be all of note here.
Heh thanks! Fresh haircut + just finished gym is the best I ever look. Find any gems at the garage sale? I used to hear about rare games being found, but I feel like that happens less since people can get more online.