Hi LGBTQ+-community,
There's something that bothers me a bit, and maybe someone of you have or had similar experiences and has some advices for me.
It is regarding my sexual and romantic orientation. My whole post will maybe sound bit depressive and grim, but that's not what it is about :). Just looking for tips. I just don't know if this fits more in this thread or in the mental-health thread. And I apoligise if this post becomes too long.
Quick background history lesson:
I'm a 28yo man. My social, romantic, sexual past was a huuuge mess (means: it didn't exist). It still is, but I'm more confident now.
I had a rather complicating and very sorrowfully past, and while my peers dealt with love, dating and sexuality, I was somehow in 'survival' mode (I decided to go that path instead finding another solutions, and I acknowledge it was a mistake).
I never did spend a single second of a thought to look after, flirt, have sex or be in a relationship with someone. It was actually unimaginable for me that something like that would happen, and neither was I really interested nor really wanted stuff like that.
Only at 24 I knew that I need something to do and try things out, or else I will turn into a miserable person. At that point I already suspected that I'm gay, but was not really sure, and decided to go with a man (from internet) for the first time on a date (and have sex). The next years I then also met some few men and it became to me clear that I definitely am sexually attracted to men and not women.
Now I'm 28 and had some very few encounters with men. I was never in a relationship and that actually doesn't bother me too much. But I have some conflicted feelings that I adress in the next sections.
Sexuality
As I said before, I'm sexually attracted to men. However, with the encounters I had sex, I really didn't like the sex. From the very first second it begins, my thoughts are somewhere completely else and I can't focus on the act. I'm actually wishing that it is over as soon as possible. Funny thing is that I am much more erected before the sex than during the sex.
It even gets worse: It is known that men are less attracted after the orgasm. But I think to me the effect is much more extreme. After the sex I feel disgusted, have no interested to meet men or have sex for ever, want to leave as fast as possible, I'm kinda frustrated and see dating and sex as a huge waste of time, and much more. This effects stays for hours or until the next day. I know that this is just my brain tricking me into those feelings. But when I know already that I will be in a bad mood after having sex, then I have no desire to have sex to begin with.
At the moment I feel that sex is just super overrated.
What should I do or what do I do wrong? Am I damned to never feel satisfied in bed? Is my sexuality disturbed and malfunctioning? Did I just not meet the correct person yet? Is the porn-consumption the fault? Should I try with a woman even if I'm not attracted? Should I just try until it gets better?
Romantic
Now the romantic part. I never had romantic in my life, so this is all a bit foreign for me. I already mentioned that it doesn't bother me that I'm not in a relationship, but I came at the point of my life where I'm open for this idea.
The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm romantic attracted to men. Men do catch my attention. I see some people and wish do be closer to them, hoping to get in a conversation with them, trying to get their attention to me and so on. But I don't know if that's the same as having romantics feelings.
I would like to have a male partner where I can go out for a beer, hanging around, doings sports activities, gaming and so on (basically a friend). However, I somehow can't imagine to live with a man together.
I can't imagine to share my bed, living everyday toghether, sitting on a bank and cuddling, holding hands, dancing samba and so on with a man. I feel really bad and ashamed that I feel like this and make a separation between men and women, but I don't think that these stuff would be appealing for me to do.
Now on the other hand, I can see myself doing this stuff with a female partner. Actually, just the thought to do this stuff with a woman makes me content. I would just not be sexually attracted to her.
I'm really really dumb because until in the beginning of my 20's I thought that the romantic affection determines your sexual orientation, and not your sexual affection. That's a reason why it took me long to realise&accept that I'm gay.
Also here: What should I do? Should I chase after a relation or rather not? Should I focus on men, women, both, none? Should I just take everything easy and it will solve by itself? Do I stress myself too much? Do I subconsciously fear how others react if I'm with a men together? How can I build a relationship if seemingly romantic and sexuality don't fit?
Is it ok, normal and possible to have a relationship where you do none of couple stuff? Am I just a douche bag that I think that I can't develop romantics feeling for a man? Am I repressing myself without really feeling repressed?
Love
This section is similar to the previous section, but I want to separate them as this one has less to do with orientation, but I feel it is still important to mention. First of all: I love people. I always see the positivity in the people, like to be around people, I am always respectful with my surroundings and can get emotional when other suffers or are happy. However, I'm afraid that I'm not capable to love a person like a couple does.
Honestly, just the thought to share my live with someone scares me and makes me nervous. I'm not really sure if I even want a relationship, or if I just try to avoid it for some psychological reasons. Even though I'm 30 soon, I just feel that I'm not ready yet for that stuff. I'm only sad that I didn't had any sympathy in my teens and beginning of 20's when I really needed that.
End
So this became quite a huge post. With all the conflicted feelings, hundreds of questions are popping up in my head. I would just like to know if there are other people that are dealing with similar conflicted feelings and how they deal with it, respectively if they have advices.
I honestly fear that my behaviour is very abnormal and I'm not quite right in the head. Just knowing that I'm not alone would help me a lot.
