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Loving somebody who doesn’t love you back is a sincerely sickening feeling

Jun 17, 2019
397
You hate to see it, folks

I feel like complete abject dogshit physically, mentally, emotionally, pretty much anyway people are capable of feeling bad, I feel it right now. It’s even worse when on top of those feelings, there are mental health issues severely compounding them, making it nearly impossible to trust or love someone in the first place. The last time I felt this way about somebody was 5+ years ago, and the emptiness is agonizing at this point.

Anyway, uh, just needed to get that off my chest somewhere. Off to go drink about it some more.
 

finalflame

Product Management
Verified
Oct 27, 2017
2,677
Big risk, big reward. Sometimes you get the shit end of the deal. Been there plenty too. My only advice is, as you probably already know, it gets better with time, as long as you make an active effort to let go of the feeling.
 

Avitus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,618
Don't waste time on people that won't spend time on you. Goes for friendships and love. Saves a lot of effort and heartache.
 
Oct 28, 2017
660
Dublin
Well if it’s unrequited now, it will always be that way so don’t bother thinking of what could’ve been or what could be if you try harder. Try to get over it and move on, you will find the right person. You need to focus on yourself now and do things that make you happy, maybe binge watch a show on Netflix with some Chinese takeaway.
 

Feep

Lead Designer, Iridium Studios
Verified
Oct 25, 2017
1,643
Don't waste time on people that won't spend time on you. Goes for friendships and love. Saves a lot of effort and heartache.
Amen. Had to learn this the hard way recently.

I feel ya, OP. We've been there. It sucks, but getting out of your own head and doing fun stuff with friends is a good way to distract yourself until you slowly forget.
 

jb1234

Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,301
I spent eight years in love with someone who could never love me back. It is soul sucking.
 

The Adder

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,085
If you've already made your feelings known, nothing to do but keep it pushing.

If you haven't, then you should, then follow the above if it doesn't workout.

No use spending your time pining for anyone.
 

ascii42

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,150
Not sure what's worse, when they are married and you know there isn't a chance, or when they are single and you can fool your dumb self into thinking you still have a chance.
 

Acorn

Member
Oct 25, 2017
9,392
Scotland
Happens to everyone at some point, all you can do is try to distract yourself as best you can in the immediate aftermath.
 

Siyou

Member
Oct 27, 2017
356
I can understand this feeling entirely. All I can say is, don't even stay friends. It ends in less than a favorable manner. I'm so very sorry you're feeling this, though. And that's an empathetic sorry.
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
If you feel comfortable telling us more about the situation it may make you feel better to let it out.
It’s kind of a complex situation, I’m not really sure even how to begin. I’ve known her for like over 10 years, there’s a lot of history between us. She’s somebody that’s come in and out of my life a lot, and as a result I’ve always kind of had off and on feelings for her pretty strongly, but nothing like what’s been going on for the last year or so. I’m not sure what changed, but we have more in common than almost anyone I’ve ever known, we’ve always had a weird connection that’s maintained even when she’s come and gone. Idk how to really describe it.

On top of that, I have some pretty severe PTSD resulting from a relationship that ended back about 5 years ago, and it’s severely harmed my ability to connect with or even just be attracted to anyone on a basic level. I basically just stopped feeling capable of loving anyone and felt like, completely asexual, up until last year when me and this girl reconnected. For whatever reason, she’s the one person who has been able to break through all the extremely traumatic shit I’ve been experiencing in the last 5 years. I had basically completely given up on ever feeling this way about anyone ever again, until me and this friend of mine got to know each other again.

So that’s kind of a messy very basic summary of what the situation and the feelings are I guess.
 

BorkBork

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,459
It all depends on you and how you handle it. You can't completely control how you feel towards someone, but you can accept the feelings you do have as genuine and honour them as they are. Do so without expectations. I like this take on love from Steinbeck:

"...First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had."
It's very hard to live with love, especially if it's unrequited. Maybe it's not worth it. But love in general isn't for the faint of heart in the first place.
 

Pancho

Avenger
Nov 7, 2017
731
The best you can do is move on with your life. Don’t hang around hoping things will turn around. It will destroy you
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
Not sure what's worse, when they are married and you know there isn't a chance, or when they are single and you can fool your dumb self into thinking you still have a chance.
Worst part is I’ve had feelings for her for such a long time in some capacity, but she got married out of the blue some 6-7 years ago, so I had to give up hope that anything was ever possible. And then a couple years she got divorced and moved back to the states, which kind of sparked the hope that something might be possible again.
 

Wetwork

Avenger
Oct 27, 2017
1,944
Colorado
Man. Two years ago, I told this person I was extremely fond of how I felt while we were drinking- she declined me. One week ago, I woke up on her living room floor after a night of getting trashed because I moved past that and she’s like, one of my closest friends now. It could always be worse; distance + time make it better. :)
 

Threadkular

Member
Dec 29, 2017
870
Don't waste time on people that won't spend time on you. Goes for friendships and love. Saves a lot of effort and heartache.
I wish I had practiced this when looking for partners - I probably would have dated a lot more. Still need to remember this when forming friendships/relationships. It's one of those key to happiness things.
 

JB1981

Member
Oct 28, 2017
9,954
It’s kind of a complex situation, I’m not really sure even how to begin. I’ve known her for like over 10 years, there’s a lot of history between us. She’s somebody that’s come in and out of my life a lot, and as a result I’ve always kind of had off and on feelings for her pretty strongly, but nothing like what’s been going on for the last year or so. I’m not sure what changed, but we have more in common than almost anyone I’ve ever known, we’ve always had a weird connection that’s maintained even when she’s come and gone. Idk how to really describe it.

On top of that, I have some pretty severe PTSD resulting from a relationship that ended back about 5 years ago, and it’s severely harmed my ability to connect with or even just be attracted to anyone on a basic level. I basically just stopped feeling capable of loving anyone and felt like, completely asexual, up until last year when me and this girl reconnected. For whatever reason, she’s the one person who has been able to break through all the extremely traumatic shit I’ve been experiencing in the last 5 years. I had basically completely given up on ever feeling this way about anyone ever again, until me and this friend of mine got to know each other again.

So that’s kind of a messy very basic summary of what the situation and the feelings are I guess.
Did it develop into a romantic relationship?
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
I can understand this feeling entirely. All I can say is, don't even stay friends. It ends in less than a favorable manner. I'm so very sorry you're feeling this, though. And that's an empathetic sorry.
We aren’t really, I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to hang out anymore. It sucks because I really care about her, and on some level I think she really trusts me because according to her, I’m the only person she’s ever told or talked to about some very serious shit in her life, on multiple occasions. So I hate that I can’t be there for her in that capacity, but it would eat me alive to be around her given the circumstances.
 

K.Jack

Rap Genius
Moderator
Oct 27, 2017
2,618
Dark Space
It’s kind of a complex situation, I’m not really sure even how to begin. I’ve known her for like over 10 years, there’s a lot of history between us. She’s somebody that’s come in and out of my life a lot, and as a result I’ve always kind of had off and on feelings for her pretty strongly, but nothing like what’s been going on for the last year or so. I’m not sure what changed, but we have more in common than almost anyone I’ve ever known, we’ve always had a weird connection that’s maintained even when she’s come and gone. Idk how to really describe it.

On top of that, I have some pretty severe PTSD resulting from a relationship that ended back about 5 years ago, and it’s severely harmed my ability to connect with or even just be attracted to anyone on a basic level. I basically just stopped feeling capable of loving anyone and felt like, completely asexual, up until last year when me and this girl reconnected. For whatever reason, she’s the one person who has been able to break through all the extremely traumatic shit I’ve been experiencing in the last 5 years. I had basically completely given up on ever feeling this way about anyone ever again, until me and this friend of mine got to know each other again.

So that’s kind of a messy very basic summary of what the situation and the feelings are I guess.
Worst part is I’ve had feelings for her for such a long time in some capacity, but she got married out of the blue some 6-7 years ago, so I had to give up hope that anything was ever possible. And then a couple years she got divorced and moved back to the states, which kind of sparked the hope that something might be possible again.
We aren’t really, I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to hang out anymore. It sucks because I really care about her, and on some level I think she really trusts me because according to her, I’m the only person she’s ever told or talked to about some very serious shit in her life, on multiple occasions. So I hate that I can’t be there for her in that capacity, but it would eat me alive to be around her given the circumstances.
You've said all of this history without a single mention of whether you've asked her on a date or made your feelings known. Why is that?
 

Funyarinpa

Self-requested temporary ban
Banned
Oct 26, 2017
8,939
I'm not sure but I've been on the other end of this. ._.

She's still a friend and we meet occasionally though. Things are good.
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
You've said all of this history without a single mention of whether you've asked her on a date or made your feelings known. Why is that?
I did tell her how I feel about her yeah, part of what’s messy about it was her answer which wasn’t directly about how she felt about me, and to be honest, that I was really drunk because I was really stressed about having that conversation with her. It was part of a bigger conversation about how she had been acting weird towards me and like had like stopped taking my calls or texts for a while, and then we ran into each other in person and I asked her if I could talk to her about it.

I am sort of thinking of talking to her again about it, and just straight up asking her if it would ever be possible that she could feel the same way about me that I feel about her, but I’m fucking terrified of doing that too.
 

Serif

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
1,378
Had my first relationship and was broken up with pretty recently. She was in an open relationship and her boyfriend got too jealous and just cut it off.

Decided to let my feelings known to a separate girl who I had been pining for since high school (I just graduated college), was rejected. Didn't have the headspace for a relationship and tbh, neither do I at the moment.

Time and distance are the only things that will work. Both of these women have expressed a desire to stay friends but both also are giving me space. Time is a remarkable thing. Thought patterns melt away and new habits form.

I haven't really spoken to these two for a long while and I harbor no animosity or ill will, I just don't want to really see them again, at least for the time being. But I'm happier because I feel like my own person again, no longer succumbing to seemingly involuntary thoughts of these two. Keeping my distance is one of the better decisions I have made.
 

The Adder

Member
Oct 25, 2017
7,085
I am sort of thinking of talking to her again about it, and just straight up asking her if it would ever be possible that she could feel the same way about me that I feel about her, but I’m fucking terrified of doing that too.
Don't ask if it would ever be possible because that gives her an out to not hurt your feelings and leaves you still hanging on. Make your move or move on.
 

Siyou

Member
Oct 27, 2017
356
We aren’t really, I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to hang out anymore. It sucks because I really care about her, and on some level I think she really trusts me because according to her, I’m the only person she’s ever told or talked to about some very serious shit in her life, on multiple occasions. So I hate that I can’t be there for her in that capacity, but it would eat me alive to be around her given the circumstances.
I get it. Distance is the best choice. Stick to your choice, that's all I can say.
 

MazeHaze

Member
Nov 1, 2017
3,687
I did tell her how I feel about her yeah, part of what’s messy about it was her answer which wasn’t directly about how she felt about me, and to be honest, that I was really drunk because I was really stressed about having that conversation with her. It was part of a bigger conversation about how she had been acting weird towards me and like had like stopped taking my calls or texts for a while, and then we ran into each other in person and I asked her if I could talk to her about it.

I am sort of thinking of talking to her again about it, and just straight up asking her if it would ever be possible that she could feel the same way about me that I feel about her, but I’m fucking terrified of doing that too.
Bro, don't do that, you already know the answer. The reason she was avoiding you was because she knows you're into her and doesn't want to be mean to you. It would be unfair to her to keep putting pressure on her, you're kind of giving her a desparate ultimatum at that point, where she might feel obligated to respond like "maybe some day, who knows?" And then you'll keep torturing yourself about it even though she was just being nice.

Edit:. Its also not a good look and you will feel pathetic about it in the future when you think back on it. Trust me I've done this exact same thing and now that I look back I cringe about how selfish and emotionally juvenile I was to someone I care about and now we can't ever really be close.
 

JB1981

Member
Oct 28, 2017
9,954
OP: not trying to be difficult but I still think the nature of your relationship with this woman is kind of unclear from your posts in this thread.
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
Bro, don't do that, you already know the answer. The reason she was avoiding you was because she knows you're into her and doesn't want to be mean to you. It would be unfair to her to keep putting pressure on her, you're kind of giving her a desparate ultimatum at that point, where she might feel obligated to respond like "maybe some day, who knows?" And then you'll keep torturing yourself about it even though she was just being nice.

Edit:. Its also not a good look and you will feel pathetic about it in the future when you think back on it. Trust me I've done this exact same thing and now that I look back I cringe about how selfish and emotionally juvenile I was to someone I care about and now we can't ever really be close.
I don’t know exactly what it is that I would say to her in that regard, but at the very least,
I do feel like I kind of need to tell her what she means to me at the very least and how I actually feel about her, because the last time it came up I didn’t really say anything about it beyond “uh yeah I have feelings for you” and it’s kind of massive weight to carry around without getting it off my chest.
 

Dice

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,395
Canada
Honestly this is largely why I don't understand wanting to like/date someone who isn't interested in you (pre-relationship phase). It's very unlikely to get better... why waste your heart on someone who is indeed half-hearted about you? :/

Love yourself, or learn to pretend that you do at least.
Cheesy, but legit, advice TBH.
 

MazeHaze

Member
Nov 1, 2017
3,687
I don’t know exactly what it is that I would say to her in that regard, but at the very least,
I do feel like I kind of need to tell her what she means to me at the very least and how I actually feel about her, because the last time it came up I didn’t really say anything about it beyond “uh yeah I have feelings for you” and it’s kind of massive weight to carry around without getting it off my chest.
Trust me, she knows. And anything you feel like you need to get off your chest at this point is just an unfair burden to her, and a false sense of desparate hope that "maybe she just doesn't understand how much I mean it" to you.
 

Segafreak

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,154
I did tell her how I feel about her yeah, part of what’s messy about it was her answer which wasn’t directly about how she felt about me, and to be honest, that I was really drunk because I was really stressed about having that conversation with her. It was part of a bigger conversation about how she had been acting weird towards me and like had like stopped taking my calls or texts for a while, and then we ran into each other in person and I asked her if I could talk to her about it.

I am sort of thinking of talking to her again about it, and just straight up asking her if it would ever be possible that she could feel the same way about me that I feel about her, but I’m fucking terrified of doing that too.
You need to stop wasting your time with her and move on my man. It sounds like you half assed your confession and are upset because you didn't get a straight answer (but really got with her avoiding you) and now you wanna make another confession with all your emotional baggage, if she doesn't care about your "I have feelings for you" she sure as shit doesn't care about all the extra words you wanna use to convince her how R E A L da love is... I wouldn't do it, she doesn't love you, just cut contact and move on.
 

The_hypocrite

Member
Oct 29, 2017
2,807
Flyover State
Honestly this is largely why I don't understand wanting to like/date someone who isn't interested in you (pre-relationship phase). It's very unlikely to get better... why waste your heart on someone who is indeed half-hearted about you? :/



Cheesy, but legit, advice TBH.
Definitely cheesy.
The solution? Stop loving people.
Nah, the solution is understanding the difference between attraction/infatuation and love. How can you really love someone with which you haven't been in a relationship at all?
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
Trust me, she knows. And anything you feel like you need to get off your chest at this point is just an unfair burden to her, and a false sense of desparate hope that "maybe she just doesn't understand how much I mean it" to you.
I mean Idk, I’m gonna be mad real, whether or not this works out is kind of going to be last straw as to whether I’m going to decide to kill myself or not. Like I do get that there’s a slim chance that things end up any different than they are now, but I do want to maintain some hope that I’m not going to end up killing myself any time soon, and this is kind of all I got.
 

Axumite

Member
Nov 19, 2017
58
I mean Idk, I’m gonna be mad real, whether or not this works out is kind of going to be last straw as to whether I’m going to decide to kill myself or not. Like I do get that there’s a slim chance that things end up any different than they are now, but I do want to maintain some hope that I’m not going to end up killing myself any time soon, and this is kind of all I got.
Hey man. Please don't let this be the deciding factor in whether or not you continue living. You may feel that way now, but life can and will get better if you just keep pushing. I've been in your shoes before, with almost the exact same girl troubles as well as serious medical depression. You just gotta give yourself time to move past it.
 

The_hypocrite

Member
Oct 29, 2017
2,807
Flyover State
I mean Idk, I’m gonna be mad real, whether or not this works out is kind of going to be last straw as to whether I’m going to decide to kill myself or not. Like I do get that there’s a slim chance that things end up any different than they are now, but I do want to maintain some hope that I’m not going to end up killing myself any time soon, and this is kind of all I got.
You love her, but if she doesn't you are going to kill yourself? Call the fucking hotline now. Don't contact this girl.
 
OP
OP
Jun 17, 2019
397
Hey man. Please don't let this be the deciding factor in whether or not you continue living. You may feel that way now, but life can and will get better if you just keep pushing. I've been in your shoes before, with almost the exact same girl troubles as well as serious medical depression. You just gotta give yourself time to move past it.
It’s not just her that makes me feel that way FWIW, it’s just kind of the last straw combined with the fact that she’s the only person that’s been able to get through the extreme PTSD bullshit that’s been fucking up my life for the last 5 years and has made me feel incapable of loving or trusting anyone ever again.
 

MazeHaze

Member
Nov 1, 2017
3,687
I mean Idk, I’m gonna be mad real, whether or not this works out is kind of going to be last straw as to whether I’m going to decide to kill myself or not. Like I do get that there’s a slim chance that things end up any different than they are now, but I do want to maintain some hope that I’m not going to end up killing myself any time soon, and this is kind of all I got.
That's what I mean man, if you're suicidal please get help, but pinning whether or not you kill yourself over the false hope of maybe explaining to a girl better how you feel when she already rejected you is suuuuuper not the way, and completely unfair to her, regardless of if you tell her that. She knows you're into her, these things are usually pretty simple, if she was into you too you guys would already be a thing. Clingy desparation is only going to drive her away more, and completely ruin any chance you have of being friends in the future. I basically did this exact same thing, and it's one of my biggest regrets in life because if I had been more level headed and realistic, and empathetic to HER point of view, we'd probably be pretty good friends now, instead of distant aquaintences.
 

saci

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,529
Thankfully the last time I've loved someone was in highschool, so I'm fine.