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Mental Health ERA |OT| You are not Alone

El D

Member
Sep 20, 2018
551
0
So yeah... I guess I'm typing this out because I have no one else to speak to at the moment.

I'm in my early 30s, working in a business that I (willingly) took over from my father about 10 years ago. I've functioned with depression and anxiety pretty well in this time. I'm in the sales/financial industry so - despite my introverted tendencies - I have to step out of my comfort zone pretty frequently. This really isn't difficult for me to do within the context of my business anymore. I've had quite a bit of success with it and have opened my own branch office about an hour away from our main office. It's been just me working by myself for the past two years and I've managed to buy a new home in a nice part of town in the prime school district (doing so as an equity investment).

Financially, I'm doing alright and don't have much stress in that department. Money's a little tight but only because I keep to a pretty strict budget. I don't have health insurance at the moment because the ACA caused my old plan to increase 470% over the course of two years and I'm right in the "sweet spot" where any assistance I would qualify for is minimal.

I mention this because I have had two medical episodes in the past two months. My heart races and I pass out. I thought it was a heart attack due to minor chest pains. The ER doctor and my primary physician think it is likely stress/anxiety related as many of the tests we've done (paying out of pocket) show my cardiovascular health is in good-very good shape.

But after the most recent episode, I'm really fucking depressed. Unfortunately, I'm pretty lonely living by myself, unmarried, no children, no current girlfriend. If something had happened to me, at the risk of sounding dramatic, I can only think about "How long would it take for someone to find me?"

This is a constant thought and it makes me angry at myself. Most of my friends are married and with children, so they're living totally different lives. Naturally - I've been told - you aren't as social when you get in your 30s because of stuff like this. But I'm scrolling through my texts for the past month or so and I'm only seeing things related to work. I realize no one has accepted an invitation to come to my new home in the past six months. I feel like it's my place to just be "useful" to people now rather than be wanted.

I feel like my window of opportunity to find a wife and eventually have kids is closing exponentially with each day but my sense of self worth recently makes me not even want to try to look at this point. I've got premium accounts on three different dating sites/apps and have seen that women are interested in me but my lack of confidence at this stage is paralyzing. I've been on a total of three dates this year and all of them are at least six months ago.

I've tried seeing a few different therapists over the past year, but the lack of health insurance can make that more costly than I can afford at the moment. I've considered suicide (not recently) but I'm also vigilant against those thoughts to the point that I've sold all of my firearms and have no plan formulated.

This is the first time I've typed all this out or communicated it in anyway other than screaming at myself in my head. Maybe it will be cathartic enough to spur some change in myself and break some cycle someway. Maybe I'll delete this. But thanks for giving me a spot to type this out even if it's not totally appropriate for me to rant like this.
 
It's starting to dawn on me that I really should just off myself. Granted I don't plan to any time soon. My mother has suffered enough in life and I'm not going to make her bury her only son. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to end it almost every day. I've done nothing but fail at just about everything across my entire life. Nearing the end of my college career I have made no friends, formed 0 relationships, had 0 memorable fun experiences that weren't getting high / drunk alone, and I haven't even performed well academically. Supposedly the easiest time in life to have fun with others and get into relationships and I have failed miserably. Now I get to prepare to slave away every single day at a job, come home to an empty apartment, and drink myself to death. And even that future is optimistic as it assumes I'll even be able to find a job and support myself.

Hell, I don't even know what I want anymore. I've been asocial for so long that I just feel completely busted. A girlfriend would be nice, but that almost seems like a selfish desire given what an undesirable piece of trash I am. Maybe if I could summon the willpower I've never been able to in any other area of my life I could transform myself into someone a woman might want. But that would take years of exercise, $100's in new clothes, and an entirely different personality. By then, I'd be long out of college and I've heard nothing but how much more difficult it is to do any of this when out of school. Especially when you're a shameful aberration like me who wasted his entire adolescence. I'm only 23 and I've already wasted my entire life and the frustration of that is eating me alive.

TL;DR: Useless ranting with a side of screeching into the void.
 
Oct 27, 2017
118
0
It's starting to dawn on me that I really should just off myself. Granted I don't plan to any time soon. My mother has suffered enough in life and I'm not going to make her bury her only son. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to end it almost every day. I've done nothing but fail at just about everything across my entire life. Nearing the end of my college career I have made no friends, formed 0 relationships, had 0 memorable fun experiences that weren't getting high / drunk alone, and I haven't even performed well academically. Supposedly the easiest time in life to have fun with others and get into relationships and I have failed miserably. Now I get to prepare to slave away every single day at a job, come home to an empty apartment, and drink myself to death. And even that future is optimistic as it assumes I'll even be able to find a job and support myself.

Hell, I don't even know what I want anymore. I've been asocial for so long that I just feel completely busted. A girlfriend would be nice, but that almost seems like a selfish desire given what an undesirable piece of trash I am. Maybe if I could summon the willpower I've never been able to in any other area of my life I could transform myself into someone a woman might want. But that would take years of exercise, $100's in new clothes, and an entirely different personality. By then, I'd be long out of college and I've heard nothing but how much more difficult it is to do any of this when out of school. Especially when you're a shameful aberration like me who wasted his entire adolescence. I'm only 23 and I've already wasted my entire life and the frustration of that is eating me alive.

TL;DR: Useless ranting with a side of screeching into the void.
I know the feeling. I’m 25 in the exact same boat. My text messages are just work related as I have 0 friends my wife left me and I don’t like my family.
Only advice I can give is to seek help. I’m currently looking for a psychiatrist to see if that will work for me. Also try taking a trip. Maybe go out of town and spend the weekend in a hotel somewhere and explore. A new environment might be able to help you for a while.
 
Oct 26, 2017
508
0
Fake Europe
Failed 2 out of 3 courses again. I really don't see whats the point of trying to pursue this degree when it is practically impossible for me. 6 years wasted on nothing. Can't get any better job than what I could have gotten before I started the degree. Can't help but to feel like a failure when everyone I know has started their careers years ago and are going forward in life when I am just stuck in this loop of doing these worthless jobs with people who are 10 years younger than me.
 
Oct 27, 2017
3,407
0
Alabama
Another night of sitting by myself at my kitchen table alone and getting drunk. I don't know what feels worse, my liver or the fact I don't even have anyone to drunk dial / text.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,226
0
Florida
I think I'm gonna book an appointment with the doc for my anxiety soon. I'm sat here at 3am with my chest feeling heavy and my heart pounding and it's so annoying.
If you don't mind me asking, what is causing your anxiety?

Failed 2 out of 3 courses again. I really don't see whats the point of trying to pursue this degree when it is practically impossible for me. 6 years wasted on nothing. Can't get any better job than what I could have gotten before I started the degree. Can't help but to feel like a failure when everyone I know has started their careers years ago and are going forward in life when I am just stuck in this loop of doing these worthless jobs with people who are 10 years younger than me.
That is a huge bummer. School used to give me massive amounts of anxiety. To the point if I would fail an assignment or forget to turn one in I'd avoid the class out the fear of seeing my grade drop. It was ridiculous and I'd often overreact to the slightest mishap. Killing procrastination is ultimately what help me and left plenty of room for error or feedback from professors/students. I had to drop classes this term however due to failing to resist my depression and turn shit in on time. I got so behind that there was no way I could finish with a passing grade so I took the W instead. I am trying not to sweat it much but it hurts knowing you practically wasted a semester. Do not be to down, keep finding interest outside of school, your degree, and work. You could end up wanting to do something completely different when it's all said and done. I'm hoping to eventually run my own business or work on my terms, but I'm gonna have to settle for an everyday job until I figure out something that works.
 
I’ve lost everything in the past 2 years. Friends family my wife my state of mind. I feel myself becoming more and more cynical by the day more so than usual. It’s a constant struggle to maintain a sense of normalcy and give off that everything is ok. I’m giving this one last shot but I don’t know what steps to take. Do I see a therapist or a psychiatrist first?
I don’t even have a general physician. I haven’t been to the doctor in years smh.
You're only 25? After a period of severe depression between my mid-teens and 24yo, things started to change for the better... admittedly, after a suicide attempt. I drank a lot of alcohol and tons of pills that I thought would be enough to make me sleep forever, and I wouldn't have been found for days. I don't know how much time I was out but it seems I didn''t take a high enough dose, if I was able to wake up by myself. I must have slept for at least 24 hours though, maybe more, I have no idea... Thing is, when I woke up, I felt something that surprised me. The fact that I wasn't disappointed in this failure. I still felt like shit though, but I decided to take that as a sign that deep down, perhaps, there was still a glimmer of will to live. So I started to see a psychiatrist, and I also decided to go back to university, even though I was old (well, 24 at the time) because it was my best shot to try to have a social life and meet new people. Well I don't know why, but the fact I didn't talk much, that I kept to myself and just made dry jokes from time to time, that attracted people around me that I didn't ask for. I've always had trust issues but I had the chance to meet folks that liked me and for the first time of my life I was happy. I even met my wife there.

Flashforward 9 years, my wife asked for divorce a few months ago, I'm isolated, I have friends but they're far away. I don't have any money, I don't have a career (I released a book that doesn't help me live, but I knew that beforehand) and worst of all, I don't have hope for anything, no passion, no will to do better. I'm guessing the treatment I'm taking acts as a barrier to many things, but for now that's okay because at least I don't think I'm gonna off myself. I already went through that, twice, the first time was in total secret, but the second made me realize the impact it could have had.

Okay sorry for rambling about my life, I swear I had a point to make at first. What I want to say is, you don't realize how young you are at 25. I was like you and thought it was over for me, that my life had passed me by and that there was nothing I could do.
I said it already earlier in this thread but the feeling I had was that I was already dead inside and suicide was only a formality, and the only thought that gave me comfort. The years that followed proved me wrong, some amazing things were in stores for me. And I'm sure it's the case for you and others in the thread too.
Trust me, for people talking about ending it, like stan_marsh and others, trust me I know this feeling
all too well... I know it seem the only logical thing to do, given that you don't have any shred of hope for your future. The only advice I can give you is to power through, even if you think there's no improvement, time will do its thing, there'll come a day when you'll have more hope, and opportunities that you're not afraid to take.Especially if you take steps like seeing a psychiatrist. That's huge.
It's too bad we can't all gather to do group therapy, that would be nice. I've been so convinced that suicide was better for me, that it would be better for my relatives, I even have an old 'final" letter on my computer that I dread to read again and I don't know why I'm keeping it but I guess I don't want to forget how I felt, and there are still some things in it that I haven't been able to tell anyone. Even my psychiatrists, I was afraid to tell them everything that went through my head because I was scared they would give me even heavier doses of medication...

BUT. Seeing a psychiatrist is a great first step. And NInja, even a general physician can help you deal with psychological problems, or at least help to push you in the right direction.
People posting here still have time. I'm trying to convince myself that at 33yo I still have some time too but it's harder too believe, especially since I wanted kids and with my divorce that dream is dead. I don't think I'll have the strength to go into a new relationship, it will take a lot of time and even then it'd take even more time to be in a relationship healthy enough to have kids. I was with my wife for 8 years, so yeah, never again, I'll be too old even if I find someone so the thought that I have to forget the idea of having a family after years of planning is soul crushing. That, and as I said I don't have a career because I've lost my passion, my inspiration, my hopes that I would have a better future... but from past experiences I've decided to just hang in there for now,,and we'll see. I'm stressed out of my mind, I'm scared, I'm sad, I get panick attacks almost everyday, I'm tired, I'm numb... But "sadly" I know other people care about me, and I know that with time, some unexpected things can happen, and even if it takes time, if I'm just willing to live one day at a time, perhaps I'll be able to take the first step to actively try to get better. For the moment I still feel like I need rest, from everything. The same goes for some of you, even if it seems like life as completely passed you by, it has not.
And I, for one, would be devastated if one of you committed suicide. Since I've started to post on forums in the early 2000s, I guess one thing that has distinguished me from others is that I never see other posters like virtual beings, or just words associated with an avatar. I always keep in mind that I am interacting with real human beings behind the screen, with their past, their fears, their personality. If you matter for people here, I'm sure you matter for people irl, and if you think that's not the case today, that could change tomorrow.

tl;dr: life, huh... finds a way
Another night of sitting by myself at my kitchen table alone and getting drunk. I don't know what feels worse, my liver or the fact I don't even have anyone to drunk dial / text.
There's Bucket Era in the Community Hangouts that serves as an optional drunk thread. It has helped me on occasions. I've written all this while being drunk and having no one to drunk text either, so feel free to drunk DM me if you feel the need.
 
Jan 6, 2018
1,857
0
Nikus

Hang in there. Relationships breaking down are always hard. However you still have time. I’m a few years younger then you and I am on my 4th or 5th life/reinvention.

I keep becoming new people trying to find a person I can be happy being. The progress is slow but person no4 is happier and more self assured then version no 3 ect

You will soon be ready to move on and build the next version of your life
 
Oct 25, 2017
908
0
why am i still alive

i get it. i'll always be a loser. so tired of seeing gay relationships. if i die this weekend i can save myself from so much grief. being gay has to be the more evil thing that has happened in my life. if i die i get to escape this body mind soul and world. if i can get myself drunk enough to kill myself then i consider it the path god or life has for me. i have nothing or no one to live for.
 
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Jpop

Member
Oct 27, 2017
2,376
0
I've really gotten a hold of my depression the past couple of months.

I have a few bad days every now and then, but not constantly living in that state anymore.

Every day is still a battle of staying positive and not letting my negativity take hold.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,541
0
29
Canada
Walking on fucking eggshells.

Walking out of my trash job if someone pisses me off.

Walking off a bridge once money runs out. (Will use last bit of money to fuck off to another city or country then I'm done).

I'm done, same shit ever day. Same thoughts , same demons, nobody fucking cares.

Time to just let the wave hit me and take me with it.

Lost passion for everything, it's all fake. Haven't enjoyed anything in YEARS.

Going to drown myself in alcohol from here io out. Let this demon take me again.
 
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Oct 23, 2018
228
0
I've really gotten a hold of my depression the past couple of months.

I have a few bad days every now and then, but not constantly living in that state anymore.

Every day is still a battle of staying positive and not letting my negativity take hold.
I'm happy for you!

For me, I'm just dealing with emptiness. I may need to change my meds. I don't know. I feel terrible because I went to an outpatient program which helped me, and I got a lot of help, but now I'm back in my old ways. I would give so much for a cure.
 
Oct 28, 2017
796
0
Does anyone have any experience cutting off a family member? I'm not feeling quite feeling ready to divulge yet, but how did anyone else feel during and afterwards? Right now I'm falling somewhere between guilt and a sense of loss.
 
Aug 1, 2018
702
0
Failed 2 out of 3 courses again. I really don't see whats the point of trying to pursue this degree when it is practically impossible for me. 6 years wasted on nothing. Can't get any better job than what I could have gotten before I started the degree. Can't help but to feel like a failure when everyone I know has started their careers years ago and are going forward in life when I am just stuck in this loop of doing these worthless jobs with people who are 10 years younger than me.
I hope my story can help you. friend. I'm 29 years old and about to finish my Bachelor's next year. I'm a high school drop out and a two time college drop out. I failed a year's worth of classes. I now have a 3.57 GPA at my current university. Almost everyone in my classes and at my work study job are quite a bit younger than me. I used to be down on myself and regret how much time I wasted but I don't think I could have ever done this at any other point in my life. There's no point in lamenting things you can't change. You just can keep going forward. I had a problem with procrastination. I'm still terrible at following schedules so instead I just started doing homework the same day I got it. That way I didn't have to worry about rushing to turn it in anymore. You just have to find what works for you. You can do it.

I teared up yesterday when I saw that I'm 85% done with my degree. It's taken a long time but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are doing it.

Walking on fucking eggshells.

Walking out of my trash job if someone pisses me off.

Walking off a bridge once money runs out. (Will use last bit of money to fuck off to another city or country then I'm done).

I'm done, same shit ever day. Same thoughts , same demons, nobody fucking cares.

Time to just let the wave hit me and take me with it.

Lost passion for everything, it's all fake. Haven't enjoyed anything in YEARS.

Going to drown myself in alcohol from here io out. Let this demon take me again.
I don't know if there is anything I can do to help, my friend, but I'm here if you need anything. I care. PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to or to vent to.

I feel like my window of opportunity to find a wife and eventually have kids is closing exponentially with each day but my sense of self worth recently makes me not even want to try to look at this point. I've got premium accounts on three different dating sites/apps and have seen that women are interested in me but my lack of confidence at this stage is paralyzing. I've been on a total of three dates this year and all of them are at least six months ago.

I've tried seeing a few different therapists over the past year, but the lack of health insurance can make that more costly than I can afford at the moment. I've considered suicide (not recently) but I'm also vigilant against those thoughts to the point that I've sold all of my firearms and have no plan formulated.

This is the first time I've typed all this out or communicated it in anyway other than screaming at myself in my head. Maybe it will be cathartic enough to spur some change in myself and break some cycle someway. Maybe I'll delete this. But thanks for giving me a spot to type this out even if it's not totally appropriate for me to rant like this.
As far as the finding a wife part, I'll let you in on a secret, friend. People fake confidence. Fake it until you make it. I'm an introvert and suffer from GAD. I fake being confident often. People seem to think I have my life together but I'm lost just as everyone else. You'll find someone. No rush.

I know what you mean about paying for therapists. It's rather costly. Try looking for therapists that do pro-bono work or offer sliding pay scales by income. If you give your state, I can look some up for you to try and help.

My offer to listen and PM is open to anyone who needs it.
 
Oct 23, 2018
228
0
Does anyone have any experience cutting off a family member? I'm not feeling quite feeling ready to divulge yet, but how did anyone else feel during and afterwards? Right now I'm falling somewhere between guilt and a sense of loss.
Yeah. At first it sucked and I would say to myself that I'm overreacting, but over time I realized that it was liberating not to have to deal with this toxic person. I hope you figure out if it's the right choice.


just told my boss i'm not going in. time to bleed money until I have no choice but to die
Hang in there. <3

Have you tried an outpatient program before? I did one and it helped me for a while. It might help to look into.
 
Oct 25, 2017
908
0
seems a lot easier to kill myself than change myself. Went out with a friend today and he was annoyed that when i see a cute guy i tell him but never approach anyone. i wish he could understand ugly people like me dont get to meet anyone. being a failure and ugly person i dont get to live like regular people or have a life i want.
 
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Oct 26, 2017
508
0
Fake Europe
That is a huge bummer. School used to give me massive amounts of anxiety. To the point if I would fail an assignment or forget to turn one in I'd avoid the class out the fear of seeing my grade drop. It was ridiculous and I'd often overreact to the slightest mishap. Killing procrastination is ultimately what help me and left plenty of room for error or feedback from professors/students. I had to drop classes this term however due to failing to resist my depression and turn shit in on time. I got so behind that there was no way I could finish with a passing grade so I took the W instead. I am trying not to sweat it much but it hurts knowing you practically wasted a semester. Do not be to down, keep finding interest outside of school, your degree, and work. You could end up wanting to do something completely different when it's all said and done. I'm hoping to eventually run my own business or work on my terms, but I'm gonna have to settle for an everyday job until I figure out something that works.
I don't really know how I would find any new interests. Everything just makes me feel down. Either by realizing that I can't do it or that I should be concentrating on studying instead. I feel like I have no direction in life since I am not good enough for anything.

I hope my story can help you. friend. I'm 29 years old and about to finish my Bachelor's next year. I'm a high school drop out and a two time college drop out. I failed a year's worth of classes. I now have a 3.57 GPA at my current university. Almost everyone in my classes and at my work study job are quite a bit younger than me. I used to be down on myself and regret how much time I wasted but I don't think I could have ever done this at any other point in my life. There's no point in lamenting things you can't change. You just can keep going forward. I had a problem with procrastination. I'm still terrible at following schedules so instead I just started doing homework the same day I got it. That way I didn't have to worry about rushing to turn it in anymore. You just have to find what works for you. You can do it.

I teared up yesterday when I saw that I'm 85% done with my degree. It's taken a long time but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are doing it.
I don't really have a problem with procrastination. Atleast thats not the main issue. Main issue is that I am just not smart enough. No matter how much time I spend on tasks/exercises I just fail.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,541
0
29
Canada
I don't know if there is anything I can do to help, my friend, but I'm here if you need anything. I care. PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to or to vent to.
Have you tried an outpatient program before? I did one and it helped me for a while. It might help to look into.
thanks I'm a lost cause though

i might be posting less and less
don't worry though, i will let you all know before I end this waste piece of shit I call my life.

gotta burn through my savings and credit cards first,
 
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Hey

Member
Feb 19, 2018
1,004
0
thanks I'm a lost cause though

i might be posting less and less
don't worry though, i will let you all know before I end this waste piece of shit I call my life.

gotta burn through my savings and credit cards first,
Stop this nonsense your life is not waste , and people do care, but we are not professionals to understand what is your needs. I know you said therapist always putting you on waiting list, but just maybe try to find other places/ online, tell them how much you need it now not later.
 
Oct 27, 2017
3,407
0
Alabama
I think I officially have a problem with alcohol. I've gone through a pint of Jameson's since midnight and I'm still not even close to passing out. The problem is is that I don't want to stop, and the most depressing aspect of it is that I'm building such a tolerance. I'm thinking about cancelling an appointment with a psychiatrist Tuesday just to make sure I have enough money for alcohol, and the only thing I look forward to is getting shitfaced -- alone.

I've had an on and off drinking problem since my early teens. It feels like it's the only way I can purge the poison inside me, and I can't stop drinking once I start. I either drink till I wonder if I'll stop breathing in my sleep or not at all. There's no in between. I've begun hiding it from people, as well.

If it's an consultation, I drink a ton of whiskey sours. I tell myself that the vitamin c is keeping my liver from eroding.

I'd like to thank the people in this thread for the support they not only show me but others. It sounds like drunken delirium, but I wish I could show my appreciation and affection for you in some other way than in an internet forum.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,226
0
Florida
Sup everyone! Hope you all are hangin' in there.

Such an up and down pass few of days for me. I have been journaling frequently as of late, and it has been therapeutic. It's sometimes an arduous demand to even picture yourself in a better scenario or state of mind. Especially when it seems like you are living the same kind of suffering and pain you were living yesterday, last week, or last month. It's like Groundhog Day or Edge of Tomorrow but with a crippling depression and maladaptive habits that perpetuate it. I got a callback for a job but of course I was sleep, been calling back since and they never pick up. Left a message and was hoping she'd get back today, and nothing. *Sigh*

Still, I have to stay the course and not allow it to cause regression. When I am severely down, I have a habit maladaptive daydreaming and it is beyond counterproductive, I cannot get anything done because I am straight up in my had as a coping mechanism and things get really hard. That is my drug, besides all my distractions (movies, music, games, masturbation, ERA--my creative hobbies are basically on the back burner when I am like this) that is the one that cuts my progress the most and I hate it. So making a conscious effort not to go down that rabbit hole takes a strenuous effort, furthermore it hinders all my efforts to study for this certification that I really need by Dec. My anxiety is trying to get me to avoid having to take it, but I am remaining pigheaded.

I don't really know how I would find any new interests. Everything just makes me feel down. Either by realizing that I can't do it or that I should be concentrating on studying instead. I feel like I have no direction in life since I am not good enough for anything.
I know the feeling. Just thought my experience could've been of some help. Do you feel any of your interest or studies are true to you and what you want to do? Do not be so hard on yourself for not getting the material. Use any resources the school offers that can help, one major thing about failing students is that they are usually afraid to ask for any extra help. In my case personally I either felt ashamed, too stubborn, or doubtful that I could pick the material even with help. Hope this makes some sense.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,254
0
thanks I'm a lost cause though

i might be posting less and less
don't worry though, i will let you all know before I end this waste piece of shit I call my life.

gotta burn through my savings and credit cards first,
You aren't a lost cause at all stan. Have you completely stopped going to your job? Would it be possible for you to just take a little vacation somewhere, or take a break for a little bit of time and then try and find a job that might be better?

I think I officially have a problem with alcohol. I've gone through a pint of Jameson's since midnight and I'm still not even close to passing out. The problem is is that I don't want to stop, and the most depressing aspect of it is that I'm building such a tolerance. I'm thinking about cancelling an appointment with a psychiatrist Tuesday just to make sure I have enough money for alcohol, and the only thing I look forward to is getting shitfaced -- alone.

I've had an on and off drinking problem since my early teens. It feels like it's the only way I can purge the poison inside me, and I can't stop drinking once I start. I either drink till I wonder if I'll stop breathing in my sleep or not at all. There's no in between. I've begun hiding it from people, as well.

If it's an consultation, I drink a ton of whiskey sours. I tell myself that the vitamin c is keeping my liver from eroding.

I'd like to thank the people in this thread for the support they not only show me but others. It sounds like drunken delirium, but I wish I could show my appreciation and affection for you in some other way than in an internet forum.
Hey Jombie, I understand what its like to go through self-destructive habits and have that paradoxical feeling of not wanting to quit. Being able to acknowledge that it is a problem is a huge step though, and I'm glad you're able to see that. Could you try talking to your therapist about this tomorrow? It can be tough to open up about this to people that we know, but your therapist will keep everything between the two of you and can help you figure out the best steps to take from here. There are a lot of options and resources out there for tackling problems with alcohol, and they should be able to guide you towards ones that will work for you
 
Oct 25, 2017
87
0
I think I officially have a problem with alcohol. I've gone through a pint of Jameson's since midnight and I'm still not even close to passing out. The problem is is that I don't want to stop, and the most depressing aspect of it is that I'm building such a tolerance. I'm thinking about cancelling an appointment with a psychiatrist Tuesday just to make sure I have enough money for alcohol, and the only thing I look forward to is getting shitfaced -- alone.

I've had an on and off drinking problem since my early teens. It feels like it's the only way I can purge the poison inside me, and I can't stop drinking once I start. I either drink till I wonder if I'll stop breathing in my sleep or not at all. There's no in between. I've begun hiding it from people, as well.

If it's an consultation, I drink a ton of whiskey sours. I tell myself that the vitamin c is keeping my liver from eroding.

I'd like to thank the people in this thread for the support they not only show me but others. It sounds like drunken delirium, but I wish I could show my appreciation and affection for you in some other way than in an internet forum.
I have had a drinking problem for 15 years. In June, I started seeing a therapist with my #1 goal being to get my drinking under control. Been doing CBT therapy. Things are slowly getting better. Just trying to do a little better week by week.

Having self-awareness is a good start. I hope you can find the support you need.
 
Nov 2, 2017
1,465
0
Denver, CO
I think for too long i always looked to other things to put blame on instead of How i act, react and perceive situations. I know everything isn't my fault but there is a lot of ownership i need to take a hold of. I've been thinking about a lot of my life and how i've treated relationships, whether it be a friendship or something more and i realzied a lot about myself. It doesn't help that my depression makes my narrow view of the suffering even worse, but i now have a different outlook on things and i finally feel like i can get out of this mud i have been in for over 3 years. i mean im diagnosed with major depression (sporatic? idk but it always comes and goes in intermittent waves from what the therapist has told me so far) but i also need to own up to my actions too. I feel embarassed as i let my anger and selfishness of being unhappy seep onto others as i'd talk with anyone about my problems and make it theirs too..... i became obsessed with others knowing how i felt and wanted them to feel what i felt so they could agree with how i felt so i could keep feeling that way and have more fire to be a shitty person to anyone who didnt deserve it. Especially when i can see where my actions in the past could have caused some of the things that directly make me feel sad/depressed/hopeless. It's like i made that become real and repeat it in my head yet blame others for it. Just a lot of realization about myself i guess. hopefully i can keep this thought process up and not fall back into obsession on others feeling what i feel. my friends and family dont deserve these guilt trips i unknowingly did. it was something i never wanted to do.

idk i just needed to write this out. . .
 
Oct 27, 2017
244
0
4:30 AM, Nan had a fall earlier today. I spent a few hours with Nandad, just to give him some company in the early hours.

Just got home from the hospital after saying my goodbyes. I'm still processing it, just want to help however I can. I'm really shocked at how fast everything is happening.

I visited her and sat by her bed for a while. I feel like it's all going to hit me at once sometime in the next few days. I'm just not sure what to say to anyone, it feels weird even being home in my own bed right now.

There isn't really anyone awake at this hour for me to talk to, just thought I would come here.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,254
0
Oh no, I thought we were next week! OT2 isn't done yet! Look forward to it soon™ I guess!

I just want to extend a warm welcome to anyone who might be popping into this thread for the first time or has peeked in before. We are a group of people who are just here to listen and offer advice where we can to people who are having a rough time no matter what you're going through. We are not a substitute for professional help, but if there is anything at all bothering you, please feel free to mention it to us or just vent about it here, no one will judge you for it and if its bothering you, then you absolutely deserve to reach out and get help. If you feel like opening up here in the thread is tough as well, we do have a discord and my PM's are always open to anyone who needs to talk! If you're interested in the discord just PM either me or jacob.armitage!

We don't really have any strict rules in this thread, but if you're looking to help and aren't sure how, then just taking the time to listen to people in here can go an incredibly long way towards helping people out! If you're looking for help and feel that something that you have gone through may be upsetting to others in the thread, then please consider putting the post in spoiler tags with some kind of warning in its title. I went over how to do this in the OP, and this does not mean that your post will be ignored. I and a few others read every post in here, and we will respond to you and do everything we can to help!

I'm really happy that we're in the spotlight and I hope that those of you who need this thread can find it a little easier now!
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,226
0
Florida
For anyone just surfing the web or having a rough day, I watched this video and it really spoke to me in a way.

For those of you who might not know who this guy is, he's Kid Cudi, a rapper/musician who is quite candid in both interviews and his music about mental illness.


He touches on his battles with suicide, finding solace when being alone, his self worth, and a few other tidbits in there. This all goes to show what we already know, but fame, attention, money, sex, love, and all the desires I can list do not necessarily make you happy or mean you won't be or feel alone at times. There is an abundance of things in life that can bring us joy, but I feel that the recesses of it all should come from within. We have seen successful people like Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams fall victim to their suicide, and you can argue they had it all on the outside. Really highlights the importance of growth, and giving it a chance even when it seems impossible. We are not alone in that sense, we are all battling life and its ups and downs.
 
Oct 27, 2017
17,437
0
Northern Ontario
Still not doing very well

Started a new class today, that I had been on a waiting list off and on for for years, and it's for anxiety and depression. It's basically just ten people sitting at a table and talking about their last two weeks (the class is biweekly), what's been bothering them and that kind of thing, with a facilitator helping with discussion and giving ideas. Lots of good people, though, who seem to care, and a really nice facilitator.

I hadn't left the house in a week and looked like an overgrown hermit when I attended, so I tried not to draw attention to myself and didn't speak much. I called about getting a haircut beforehand, but the place I go to was busy until after class, so I went then. I didn't want to make a bad first impression with my looks but hopefully I didn't.

I also didn't speak much because I didn't know where to start and was nervous around new people. I'm going to try to talk more in 2 weeks.
 
Oct 23, 2018
228
0
Still not doing very well

Started a new class today, that I had been on a waiting list off and on for for years, and it's for anxiety and depression. It's basically just ten people sitting at a table and talking about their last two weeks (the class is biweekly), what's been bothering them and that kind of thing, with a facilitator helping with discussion and giving ideas. Lots of good people, though, who seem to care, and a really nice facilitator.

I hadn't left the house in a week and looked like an overgrown hermit when I attended, so I tried not to draw attention to myself and didn't speak much. I called about getting a haircut beforehand, but the place I go to was busy until after class, so I went then. I didn't want to make a bad first impression with my looks but hopefully I didn't.

I also didn't speak much because I didn't know where to start and was nervous around new people. I'm going to try to talk more in 2 weeks.
That’s awesome that you went. We all need a support system, even if they’re just strangers. I sometimes stay at home and only leave to take the dog out. It’s hard telling myself this, but I need to get through my head that people don’t really care what I look like. I think most people probably only remember the really attractive people they see. That’s how it is for me anyway. And if that’s not the case and people are judging me for my appearance? Screw them.
 
Oct 27, 2017
17,437
0
Northern Ontario
That’s awesome that you went. We all need a support system, even if they’re just strangers. I sometimes stay at home and only leave to take the dog out. It’s hard telling myself this, but I need to get through my head that people don’t really care what I look like. I think most people probably only remember the really attractive people they see. That’s how it is for me anyway. And if that’s not the case and people are judging me for my appearance? Screw them.
Thanks. You're probably right.

I hadn't had a haircut since the summer, and my beard and mustache were both overgrown. I'll make a better impression next time though.

Just haven't been leaving the house much, and since I do most of my work from home it hasn't been an issue. I was also sick.

Thinking about redoing the program I did in the summer. A 12 week one. The one on one therapy was great.
 
Oct 27, 2017
17,437
0
Northern Ontario
I hate my teeth. I used to take great care of them, but depression (falling asleep unintentionally, drinking too much pop) has done a number on them.

I think about them 24/7 and worry, but am afraid to hear how bad it is. More so how many thousands it will cost.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,254
0
I hate my face so much.

It gets really bad with depression.

I have been told I'm good looking but I feel like it's always a lie.
That's a normal feeling when you're dealing with depression, but I think its really helpful to challenge those thoughts where we can. I don't think that the people in your life would just lie to you about that. Is there anything specific that you don't like about your appearance? You mentioned your face, but what specifically about it bothers you?

I hate my teeth. I used to take great care of them, but depression (falling asleep unintentionally, drinking too much pop) has done a number on them.

I think about them 24/7 and worry, but am afraid to hear how bad it is. More so how many thousands it will cost.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed
That is absolutely something that a lot of people have to deal with when coming out of depression. Depression can make it difficult to maintain a basic schedule and part of that is hygiene as well. Are you brushing them right now? What kind of toothpaste are you using? While its never great to go a long time without brushing your teeth, it might be possible for them to recover some just by getting into the habit again and really sticking with it.
 
Oct 27, 2017
17,437
0
Northern Ontario
That is absolutely something that a lot of people have to deal with when coming out of depression. Depression can make it difficult to maintain a basic schedule and part of that is hygiene as well. Are you brushing them right now? What kind of toothpaste are you using? While its never great to go a long time without brushing your teeth, it might be possible for them to recover some just by getting into the habit again and really sticking with it.
It's not good, of course I catastrophize, but I know deep down it's bad. I always focus on others' teeth because of it especially whilst watching TV and movies. Which is where they're the best, of course.

I've always been a pop drinker. I'd go to my friends once or twice a week, drink a lot of pop and alcohol, try to get up to brush before falling asleep but would usually pass out. Then at home, I'd start passing out before brushing because I couldn't get myself to get up. I take the blame, but that's what happened. And it kept happening. I'd brush, and I'd mean to, but not enough. I'd also wake up and think, "Well, I'm going to have a Coke soon so I may as well wait. Then I'd have the Coke and think the same thing." I'd drink 1-3 a day. Now I drink energy drinks when I have them. Same thing.

I mostly just put it off because I'm worried my mouth will bleed or I'll see something bad. I don't look at them. They sometimes hurt, so do my gums. I'm surprised one hasn't broken. It shouldn't be this bad, I'm smarter than this.

I meant to brush last night, but fell asleep. Drinking an energy drink now, but plan to afterwards. I keep telling myself that from now on I'm going to brush once to twice per day, but I don't brush enough and keep falling asleep. It's so fucking dumb and embarrassing.

I'm terribly worried about the cost, because I only have very basic dental coverage through work.

I usually buy cheap toothpaste. I buy Colgate for a dollar, or buy Crest sometimes. Right now, I'm using a tube of CloseUp that I bought at the dollar store and kind of like. It's cheap and leaves them feeling clean. I found it in the cupboard. Have been out of mouthwash for a few weeks, but need to buy some today. Keep meaning to. I used to use it a lot.

I brush thoroughly when I do. I just don't enough, and haven't been able to find a cheap dentist to go to. The mental health hospital has a dental clinic, so I got my nurse to call them, but never heard back. I assume it's just for inpatients however. That makes me want to commit myself, just for that. The peace of mind of getting them fixed would be nice, but I'm petrified. Most would end up being out of pocket and I don't want to spend $20K on something like this when it could've been avoided.

I went to the dentist last in 2013. I had cavities then, but the place I went to was just a college that only did cleanings. One had formed under a previous filling, another had been filled twice but had fallen out due to the previous dentist's incompetence, and I had gotten frustrated and vowed not to go back there. I then put it off and didn't get it fixed. It's since chipped. My fault again. But that college only had a dentist to look at your teeth, but no work offered. I didn't have dental benefits so I put it off until I did, then put it off because of fear for the last two years.

I feel so dumb. To think that I would let this happen baffles me. It's embarrassing, and people reading it are probably just shaking their heads. They should.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,254
0
It's not good, of course I catastrophize, but I know deep down it's bad. I always focus on others' teeth because of it especially whilst watching TV and movies. Which is where they're the best, of course.

I've always been a pop drinker. I'd go to my friends once or twice a week, drink a lot of pop and alcohol, try to get up to brush before falling asleep but would usually pass out. Then at home, I'd start passing out before brushing because I couldn't get myself to get up. I take the blame, but that's what happened. And it kept happening. I'd brush, and I'd mean to, but not enough. I'd also wake up and think, "Well, I'm going to have a Coke soon so I may as well wait. Then I'd have the Coke and think the same thing." I'd drink 1-3 a day. Now I drink energy drinks when I have them. Same thing.

I mostly just put it off because I'm worried my mouth will bleed or I'll see something bad. I don't look at them. They sometimes hurt, so do my gums. I'm surprised one hasn't broken. It shouldn't be this bad, I'm smarter than this.

I meant to brush last night, but fell asleep. Drinking an energy drink now, but plan to afterwards. I keep telling myself that from now on I'm going to brush once to twice per day, but I don't brush enough and keep falling asleep. It's so fucking dumb and embarrassing.

I'm terribly worried about the cost, because I only have very basic dental coverage through work.

I usually buy cheap toothpaste. I buy Colgate for a dollar, or buy Crest sometimes. Right now, I'm using a tube of CloseUp that I bought at the dollar store and kind of like. It's cheap and leaves them feeling clean. I found it in the cupboard. Have been out of mouthwash for a few weeks, but need to buy some today. Keep meaning to. I used to use it a lot.

I brush thoroughly when I do. I just don't enough, and haven't been able to find a cheap dentist to go to. The mental health hospital has a dental clinic, so I got my nurse to call them, but never heard back. I assume it's just for inpatients however. That makes me want to commit myself, just for that. The peace of mind of getting them fixed would be nice, but I'm petrified. Most would end up being out of pocket and I don't want to spend $20K on something like this when it could've been avoided.

I went to the dentist last in 2013. I had cavities then, but the place I went to was just a college that only did cleanings. One had formed under a previous filling, another had been filled twice but had fallen out due to the previous dentist's incompetence, and I had gotten frustrated and vowed not to go back there. I then put it off and didn't get it fixed. It's since chipped. My fault again. But that college only had a dentist to look at your teeth, but no work offered. I didn't have dental benefits so I put it off until I did, then put it off because of fear for the last two years.

I feel so dumb. To think that I would let this happen baffles me. It's embarrassing, and people reading it are probably just shaking their heads. They should.
No one's shaking their heads reading this. It's understandable to feel self-conscious about this kind of thing. If you have the money and can afford to go to a dentist, then I would recommend that. But, yeah, that can be really expensive, so short term I would really suggest that you focus on just brushing more consistently. It might not fix everything, but it should help some and at the very least stop things from getting worse. Cutting down the number of coke's you drink as well as energy drinks would help a good bit too, but when it comes to procrastinating like that, I think you should try and set a schedule that you can follow. If you're having trouble putting it off specifically because you're about to eat or drink something, then try just doing it at a set time every day. Set an alarm on your phone or something for like 8:00AM and 9:00 or 10:00Pm, and just make sure you brush then. I'm not sure how early you're falling asleep or when you generally wake up, but just make sure the night ones are early enough that you aren't in danger of falling asleep before you brush. Brushing your teeth doesn't really take that much time, and even if you do eat something afterwards, it's still better than completely forgetting about it!
 
Oct 27, 2017
17,437
0
Northern Ontario
I will try. Thanks. I just brushed very thoroughly and they feel better.

I sleep terribly, which is part of the problem. I sleep poorly, so it's not uncommon to fall asleep at different hours of the day, and I can make my own hours so that helps that.
 
Oct 27, 2017
928
0
I'm going to delete my dating app accounts and take a break from 1) online dating, and b) approaching girls for dates. For the next 6 months.

And I'm going to work hard on a) becoming debt free (which I may be able to do by July 2019), and b) losing some more weight to go down from 180lbs to 160lbs, and c) revisiting my electrical engineering degree.

And focus on my hobbies.

Anything, anything other than trying more dating. I've had a 6-month period where I've been rejected dozens of times in online dating apps, rejected about 5-6 times through women I've approached in-person in the outside world. In terms of actual dates, I've managed to get 12 dates with about 10 women in this 6-month period. Every single women texted me after 1/2 dates saying we're not a match or they met someone else.

That has made me feel so unhappy I almost can't cope.

I'm done for 6 months with dating. For the sake of my mental health, I'm going to focus ONLY on my hobbies, and items a), b), and c) above. Forget online dating because my head/heart/health cannot take it right now. I've never been so unhappy in my life and I can't get rid of this unhappiness no matter what I do. And I know this unhappiness is due to my lack of success in finding a girlfriend/relationship. I'm not going to give up because I'm 32 years old - I have a lot of years ahead of me. But for fucking now, I have to do everything in my power to stop trying to find a girlfriend and focus on the other stuff above, because really, I won't be able to cope otherwise.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,254
0
Hey Soma, I just want to let you know that you're welcome to share what's going on any time here. We're always here for you no matter what's going on!

I'm going to delete my dating app accounts and take a break from 1) online dating, and b) approaching girls for dates. For the next 6 months.

And I'm going to work hard on a) becoming debt free (which I may be able to do by July 2019), and b) losing some more weight to go down from 180lbs to 160lbs, and c) revisiting my electrical engineering degree.

And focus on my hobbies.

Anything, anything other than trying more dating. I've had a 6-month period where I've been rejected dozens of times in online dating apps, rejected about 5-6 times through women I've approached in-person in the outside world. In terms of actual dates, I've managed to get 12 dates with about 10 women in this 6-month period. Every single women texted me after 1/2 dates saying we're not a match or they met someone else.

That has made me feel so unhappy I almost can't cope.

I'm done for 6 months with dating. For the sake of my mental health, I'm going to focus ONLY on my hobbies, and items a), b), and c) above. Forget online dating because my head/heart/health cannot take it right now. I've never been so unhappy in my life and I can't get rid of this unhappiness no matter what I do. And I know this unhappiness is due to my lack of success in finding a girlfriend/relationship. I'm not going to give up because I'm 32 years old - I have a lot of years ahead of me. But for fucking now, I have to do everything in my power to stop trying to find a girlfriend and focus on the other stuff above, because really, I won't be able to cope otherwise.
Hey Montressor, welcome to the thread! That's completely understandable to need a break from online dating for a bit, but try and keep in mind that online dating is very much a numbers game. Trying to find a person who you can click with both online and offline can take a bit, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. Take all the time you need, but when you're ready to get back out there, I know that you'll find someone who is right for you.

And the goals that you've set for yourself are really admirable as well! An electrical engineering degree is pretty exciting, how far along are you in it?
 
Oct 27, 2017
928
0
Hey Montressor, welcome to the thread! That's completely understandable to need a break from online dating for a bit, but try and keep in mind that online dating is very much a numbers game. Trying to find a person who you can click with both online and offline can take a bit, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over that. Take all the time you need, but when you're ready to get back out there, I know that you'll find someone who is right for you.

And the goals that you've set for yourself are really admirable as well! An electrical engineering degree is pretty exciting, how far along are you in it?
Thanks brother (or sister). I made it to fourth year in my program years and years ago and then imploded but I've decided that I want to revisit this degree. To make myself proud and to make my parents proud and to help with my career. I'm expecting that I have to redo each course since it's been so long - I'm applying and am committed to getting it done though.
 
Oct 25, 2017
202
0
I've recently been diagnosed with Health Anxiety and I'm really struggling most days to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety and would just like the reassurance that the feelings I have are common and not dangerous.

I have a pounding heartbeat every so often that will pump a bit harder than usual, sending a rush of blood around my body.

The tip of my little finger on my left hand feels sensitive to touch, but goes away if I tap it.

I've had multiple concerns recently, but these are the two I currently have atm. Also, I've tried SSRI's in the past but I cannot deal with the bedding in period and increased anxiety. I've tried beta blockers but they seemed to increase the feeling of tension around my chest/heart.
 
Mar 9, 2018
202
0
That's a normal feeling when you're dealing with depression, but I think its really helpful to challenge those thoughts where we can. I don't think that the people in your life would just lie to you about that. Is there anything specific that you don't like about your appearance? You mentioned your face, but what specifically about it bothers you?



That is absolutely something that a lot of people have to deal with when coming out of depression. Depression can make it difficult to maintain a basic schedule and part of that is hygiene as well. Are you brushing them right now? What kind of toothpaste are you using? While its never great to go a long time without brushing your teeth, it might be possible for them to recover some just by getting into the habit again and really sticking with it.

I don't have like objective things I dislike. I just dislike it. It doesn't seem rational.

I know one day I'll like it again maybe. Right now I just can't stand it and anything about me.Can't manage mirrors.
 
OP
OP
Sadsic
I hate my teeth. I used to take great care of them, but depression (falling asleep unintentionally, drinking too much pop) has done a number on them.

I think about them 24/7 and worry, but am afraid to hear how bad it is. More so how many thousands it will cost.

I’m ashamed and embarrassed
I have this same anxiety, as well as anxiety over my skin and hair. It's really annoying! I have been starting to take care of myself better though, I used to feel pretty intense body shame over my weight, but I've been doing CICO for about 3 months now, and I've already lost close to 40 pounds. I also joined a gym and go about 3 times a week. These body problems aren't permanent, they can be solved if you put in the work, but it can be really hard to have even the ability to do so from depression/anxiety/paranoia etc.

Try just doing some small steps at a time, like change to a new toothpaste / start flossing more / add mouthwash to your routine etc