• Welcome to ResetEra 2.0! Guests should now be able to save their dark or light theme preferences, found on the left sidebar.

Mental Health ERA |OT| You are not Alone

Oct 29, 2017
265
0
I had a relapse this weekend.

I drank into oblivion on Saturday night. I punched a bathroom door. I screamed. I yelled. I got really fucking angry. I even professed my love to someone I’ve barely known.

I hate the holidays because of the lies my family tries to represent every year. We hide my mom’s mental illness and issues with diabetes that stem from it. We support my sister who lied about a molestation story that happened when she was one year old and couldn’t remember such a thing, but only remember because my mom planted the story years ago and my sister only brought it up months before my other sister’s wedding to steal the spotlight. We hide the fact that my brother-in-law is a racist, and when I bring it up in person and the internet, I’m wrong.

It’s also because we lie every year about who I am. I am a drunk. I am a fucking failure. I squandered a great, and free opportunity at a highly rated private college. I embarrassed myself in front of the whole town.

I’m so fucking angry and deluded with my family. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. They’ve killed me, and I’ve allowed myself to let them do it, and I’ve turned into a drunk because I allowed them to kill me.

I’m so fucking angry and I’m not allowed to be in this house; and I can’t escape it for another year or two.
 
Oct 27, 2017
1,264
0
The holidays have been such a weird time for me recently. The good news is that having this time off snaps me out of my apathetic state, but the bad news is that it forces me to confront those feelings that I repress throughout the year. It feels like shit, but it's necessary.

All I know is that I don't want to be in this same spot come holiday season 2019. I'm left desiring...something, but I don't know what "it" is. Very weird sensation, and hard to describe.
 
Oct 25, 2017
908
0
I do not believe you wish these things at all friend, because just like me who has had suicidal thoughts (very brutal ones at that). I am still here. Why? Because those are just thoughts. They are not facts, they are not always truths, and most of all they aren't real to who we are. Watch other things besides the gay Korean move, watch things that can lift your mood and make you feel better, than things that will make you feel more lonely, Yagyujube.

Go for walks whenever possible, and try to find things to do on your free time. Your depression will constantly convince you that none of those things are worth doing, and will constantly hold you back from being your true self. Do not listen to them, step back, observe, and argue in your favor. Don't be afraid to see movies alone, eat at a restaurant by yourself, or hit up a bookstore. Take interest in yourself and you will get better I promise you.
That’s my issue. I already do everything alone. How many more decades I have to live this way. Go to the coffee shop alone. Library alone. Movies alone. Travel alone. Restaurant alone. I’m living in a world made of glass and I am on the outside looking in. I get it I don’t get to fall in love or even marry in this life. I should at least be able to commit suicide. I just need to gain the strength possible to do it. Least when I die I can stop losing in life.

I often think if I killed myself a year ago what stuff would I have missed out of. I would not have missed out on anything except being a glorified bill payer. A year from today isn’t going to change the course of my life. I should take my life. I don’t need to be alive knowing how awful And unattractive I am.

Edit. Raging and ranting now. Just checked my email and I get a advertisement from meetup.com about a LGBTQ couples group. It’s as if god wants to piss in my mouth whenever he can. Fuck that group. Deleted that freaking horrible email. I get it really I do. Some people get to fall in love go to groups like that and meet like minded couples. For me seriously why can’t I just find the courage to jump off a bridge. It’s not like the world will miss me and I don’t have to suffer through this life. It’s a win win for both parties.
 
Last edited:
That’s my issue. I already do everything alone. How many more decades I have to live this way. Go to the coffee shop alone. Library alone. Movies alone. Travel alone. Restaurant alone. I’m living in a world made of glass and I am on the outside looking in. I get it I don’t get to fall in love or even marry in this life. I should at least be able to commit suicide. I just need to gain the strength possible to do it. Least when I die I can stop losing in life.
I encourage you to find something that you enjoy doing and focus on that. I don’t mind being alone anymore. It’s better to be alone to write anyway. I still have my moments like this morning, but I’m over that now because I have so many projects to focus on. Basically, it distracts me from the loneliness and I wish you would find a similar passion.
 
Oct 26, 2017
4,215
0
Florida
That’s my issue. I already do everything alone. How many more decades I have to live this way. Go to the coffee shop alone. Library alone. Movies alone. Travel alone. Restaurant alone. I’m living in a world made of glass and I am on the outside looking in. I get it I don’t get to fall in love or even marry in this life. I should at least be able to commit suicide. I just need to gain the strength possible to do it. Least when I die I can stop losing in life.

I often think if I killed myself a year ago what stuff would I have missed out of. I would not have missed out on anything except being a glorified bill payer. A year from today isn’t going to change the course of my life. I should take my life. I don’t need to be alive knowing how awful And unattractive I am.
The thought that you will never fall in love or deserve love is just that, a thought. You aren't seeing the value in yourself because of this, and loneliness is a fear we cling onto even though we do not have to. You are more than a bill payer, so much more, none of that really means anything and we all have to do it. Finding an interest while depressed can feel damn near impossible, but practice some self love and self care. Observe your thoughts, and ask why you think them about yourself. You are a whole person and do not need anyone to complete you Yag. Those are thoughts of self hate letting you that you aren't good enough for anything, and that life will not provide you with any kind of fulfillment and love. I understand the fear of believing you will never get it, but that's all it is, a fear and we can face them and be resilient.

Read this to better understand the process of self discovery:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...now-yourself-6-specific-ways-know-who-you-are

A lot of us do not consider these things daily.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
Hey everyone!


We need to have a bit of a conversation about the way that we talk about the issues that we're facing in this thread. This isn't meant to call out anyone in particular as its just an issue that's been present in the thread for quite some time that needs to be addressed. Essentially, there are some messages that pop up that are clearly for venting, but the way that they're phrased can be potentially harmful towards others or trigger certain feelings that they struggle to avoid. I know that when we're in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to recognize what should be said or what shouldn't be said, but these are some examples of things to avoid :

  • Talking about explicit methods or plans on how you want to die
  • Glorifying the deaths of others including but not limited to past members
  • Describing in detail any abuse that you have faced
  • Describing methods of self-harm in detail
These are just some examples, but in general, these are issues that have to be handled with care. We are not professionals and we aren't trained to handle all of this. We are just regular people who want to support you, but it's important that we make some changes involving issues like these for the health of the thread and our community.

First and foremost, if you feel that you are suffering from suicidal ideation or thoughts of self-harm, please call a crisis line in your area. We are not a substitute for professional help. If you don't feel that you can reach out to them for whatever reason and still want to talk about it, then I'm going to have to ask that you at the very least put them inside of a trigger warning. Ideally, we want to identify the feelings behind what's making you feel this way instead of being in the loop that those feelings can cause, but I understand that can be hard to recognize in the moment, so just please keep these two things in mind for now.

The goal of this is not to silence anyone who is reaching out for help. It's still possible to talk about these issues, we just have to be mindful of how we go about it.

If you are posting about something and you aren't sure whether or not it needs a trigger warning or not, it's best to err on the side of caution. It's absolutely still okay to talk about these things, and no post in here is going to go ignored because they're inside of those tags. They will just allow people to tackle the issues that they feel they can handle at that time.

This is in the OP as well, but here's how to go about setting up a Trigger Warning right now :

For those of you who don't know how to use the spoiler tag system, there are essentially two ways to go about it. You can click this button, and then click spoiler from the drop-down :




Which will then prompt you to type in a title and then you just type your post within the tags like normal.
If you'd like to just use the tag system on its own without doing that, then this is an example of how to set up a spoiler tag using the above message.


[///SPOILER="Trigger Warning : Self-Harm"]This is an example of how this will look[/SPOILER]

Just remove the three /// at the start of that for the correct formatting, and it will look like this.

This is an example of how this will look


And speaking of the OP, there is one more thing I'd like to talk about. I've been working on OT2 for a little while now, and it's mostly done and should be going up in the next couple of weeks. The idea behind this change is to keep things fresh while also allowing us to reserve the first 2 or 3 posts so that we can provide more information and resources. If you have any resources that you've found helpful, please let me know and I'll add it to the list.



Thank you for reading all of this, and I hope we can all work together to make our community even better than it is!
 
Last edited:
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
I'm not spoiler tagging anything I'm just not posting anymore then
Just to be clear, this change is not meant to silence anyone or to push anyone away from the thread. It's a very small change that is necessary for the health of our community though, as it will allow people to tackle what's in the thread at their own pace. We're all here for each other and looking out for others how we can.
 
Nov 1, 2017
1,510
0
Does anybody else here sometimes find themselves thinking of their problems in a more... mathematical sense? As in you look at in terms of odds and chance. For example, if someone spends a year unemployed getting about one interview a month with no success, you would expect similar odds in the next year? Similarly, if someone spent 10 years unhappy, how would the next go? If you didn't make any friends or find a romantic partner in groups x, y, and z, then what are the odds in their next group, a fitness club they join because they work with little social life.

I look at my life almost entirely this way now, it's terrifying in a way, more realistic than the platitudes I'm sure you all hear from people more fortunate than yourself, people who the odds favoured.
 
Oct 25, 2017
908
0
Does anybody else here sometimes find themselves thinking of their problems in a more... mathematical sense? As in you look at in terms of odds and chance. For example, if someone spends a year unemployed getting about one interview a month with no success, you would expect similar odds in the next year? Similarly, if someone spent 10 years unhappy, how would the next go? If you didn't make any friends or find a romantic partner in groups x, y, and z, then what are the odds in their next group, a fitness club they join because they work with little social life.

I look at my life almost entirely this way now, it's terrifying in a way, more realistic than the platitudes I'm sure you all hear from people more fortunate than yourself, people who the odds favoured.
I see life that way most of the time. If the last 5 years were bad and this year as well the next year will remain the same. When people say things will get better that is a lie. For some people who have the odds on their favor things will look up for people like me the odds are against me. Why keep on living if you will always lose. Why live when any choice you make is the wrong one.
 
Oct 29, 2017
285
0
Germany
Does anybody else here sometimes find themselves thinking of their problems in a more... mathematical sense? As in you look at in terms of odds and chance. For example, if someone spends a year unemployed getting about one interview a month with no success, you would expect similar odds in the next year? Similarly, if someone spent 10 years unhappy, how would the next go? If you didn't make any friends or find a romantic partner in groups x, y, and z, then what are the odds in their next group, a fitness club they join because they work with little social life.

I look at my life almost entirely this way now, it's terrifying in a way, more realistic than the platitudes I'm sure you all hear from people more fortunate than yourself, people who the odds favoured.
Same for me, ive been living alll my life without ever really "living" and extrapolating from that theres no reason to assume that anything will change. Often when I read about people saying "theres someone for everyone" or "youre not XY" and things like "things will get better" I actually feel like that just adds insult to injury. As if I was suddenly not only depressed, but also not able to make simple logical conclusions. Its cool that things are going well for those people, but not everyone has that much luck and I truly believe some (so far myself included) might end up living a sad and lonely life with next to no chance of changing that fact. I mean its not only the way I feel, its also how people react towards me etc. that confirm what I feel must be close to being true and then being told by someone who doesnt know you that everything will get better - for no reason - just makes me shake my head.
That said, I will still try to improve things, I have only this life and if theres a chance in improving it Im willing to take it.
 

Hey

Member
Feb 19, 2018
996
0
For some reason when I wake up sometimes my world is upside down, it take me 30 min to feel better about my self.

I think its related to my diet , when I eat a lot unhealthy food it mess me up in the morning.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,804
0
anyone ever have their anxiety,stress,depression affect their body really poorly?

recently i have been having pains everywhere, sometimes mild, sometimes intense. my arms and hands have been trembling a bit. i'm already a hypochondriac and this just makes it worse, i'm convinced im getting some sort of degenerative disease despite being very young and knowing this is probably all caused by anxiety, stress and depression. also helps knowing that all my motor skills are unaffected even if i believe they are (i'm constantly checking for numb fingers, finger dexterity, grip strength, leg strength, etc) i've been unable to get a decent nights sleep in a few days and that's just making everything worse.

honestly this is the worst i've felt in a long time. there are various factors to me feeling this way i think. the winter setting in, still not being completely over my ex cheating on me a few months ago, my senior thesis, and then the aforementioned health anxiety makes what are likely minor health issues seem far more intense.

not really sure what to do. i keep meaning to call my old psychiatrist's office to see him and probably a therapist too (stopped taking meds about 2 years ago and haven't seen him since then), but all of this just makes me afraid to do it. I want to believe I can feel better than this and that I can get better again, but I am scared that I'll be feeling like this forever and that it's hopeless. even if i do get an appointment i'm finding it harder to cope in the meantime. it helps exponentially when I'm around friends but I can't be around my friends all the time. starting to be at a loss.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
What goals? Can barely get out of bed to walk the dog.

Wish I could just find a gun and end this.
There a lot of small goals that you can work towards, you just have to be willing to give them a chance. Stan, please call one of the crisis lines if you're feeling this way, and in the future, please put this in a trigger warning. This is a very small change that I'm asking of the thread, and I would really appreciate it if you could do this.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,536
0
29
Canada
There a lot of small goals that you can work towards, you just have to be willing to give them a chance. Stan, please call one of the crisis lines if you're feeling this way, and in the future, please put this in a trigger warning. This is a very small change that I'm asking of the thread, and I would really appreciate it if you could do this.
You ever call one of the crisis lines?
It's absolute bullshit.
They pry to get my info just so they can send an ambulance so they can hold me for two weeks then let me go. Rinse, fucking repeat. Never again.
They tell me stupid quotes, such bullshit, such fake shit.

It's like talking to someone you used to know in high school but you realize they don't actually give a shit about you and don't want to catch up.

What goals can I set? Walks, gym? I've tried everything, you name it. I'm broken. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing fixes this brain. The PTSD always stops me from doing things or changes how I do things.

I've failed at life, 29 and I'm a failure. I'm going no where, there's nothing for me.

I'm fucked, broken. Same shit, different day.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
You ever call one of the crisis lines?
It's absolute bullshit.
They pry to get my info just so they can send an ambulance so they can hold me for two weeks then let me go. Rinse, fucking repeat. Never again.
They tell me stupid quotes, such bullshit, such fake shit.

It's like talking to someone you used to know in high school but you realize they don't actually give a shit about you and don't want to catch up.

What goals can I set? Walks, gym? I've tried everything, you name it. I'm broken. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing fixes this brain. The PTSD always stops me from doing things or changes how I do things.

I've failed at life, 29 and I'm a failure. I'm going no where, there's nothing for me.

I'm fucked, broken. Same shit, different day.
I think its understandable to feel the way that you do, but I know that you're strong and that you'll make it through this. Sticking with small goals like exercise and eating healthier can be helpful for fighting off these thoughts.

I do want to say that I have called those crisis lines, and I know people who have worked for them in the past. They absolutely care about you and your wellbeing, and going to a hospital and talking with professionals isn't really a bad thing, especially if you're suffering from PTSD. They are trained to help you get through this.
 
Oct 29, 2017
912
0
Hello. I need some advice. An good friend of mine just revealed to me that he has schizophrenia. He drinks away his pains and also became an alcoholic. He lives in Tennessee with his mother and I live in San Francisco. He told me that he’s flying here next week but he quit taking his medication. He needs help badly and I told him that going to the hospital ASAP. But he wants to come to California because he wants to get away from his mother. Is there anything I can do to get him the help he needs?
 

Hey

Member
Feb 19, 2018
996
0
Hello. I need some advice. An good friend of mine just revealed to me that he has schizophrenia. He drinks away his pains and also became an alcoholic. He lives in Tennessee with his mother and I live in San Francisco. He told me that he’s flying here next week but he quit taking his medication. He needs help badly and I told him that going to the hospital ASAP. But he wants to come to California because he wants to get away from his mother. Is there anything I can do to get him the help he needs?
I believe therapy would be the best option.

He sounds like he needs therapy, also I dont think he should have quit his medications.

1 he will have really bad episodes.

2 if he gonna live with you atm without his medications you will have a hard time with him too.
 
Oct 29, 2017
912
0
I believe therapy would be the best option.

He sounds like he needs therapy, also I dont think he should have quit his medications.

1 he will have really bad episodes.

2 if he gonna live with you atm without his medications you will have a hard time with him too.
I looked up facilities in his hometown that are willing to help him. He will not be staying where I live because I have an family and we just don’t have the space. The last time he came out here where I live, he dranked himself out of the Hostel he was staying at. He spent weeks walking the streets of San Francisco until myself and another friend paid for a plane ticket back to his parents.
 

Hey

Member
Feb 19, 2018
996
0
I looked up facilities in his hometown that are willing to help him. He will not be staying where I live because I have an family and we just don’t have the space. The last time he came out here where I live, he dranked himself out of the Hostel he was staying at. He spent weeks walking the streets of San Francisco until myself and another friend paid for a plane ticket back to his parents.
Ouch , he gonna have even more trouble if that the case especially since he doesn't have money and isn't willing to stop drinking and start working.
 
Oct 27, 2017
141
0
UK
www.twitch.tv
Quick background, I had a poor childhood which featured homelessness, foster care and other shit like that. The one thing that makes me feel secure is having a 'stable' home, possibly to a fault because once I am comfortable and feel safe I don't really aim as high as I should. The relevance of this will show itself in a minute. I don't have much family, the relative I am closest to was my dad - he had a stroke in 2016, spent 6 months in hospital and lived a year or so highly disabled. Difficult to watch such a proud man be reduced to that, and he clearly hated it. In February he had another stroke and after a few weeks in hospital died. I was with him for the whole day he passed, which was a slow and difficult process - he's the first person I've seen die.

My girlfriend somehow made this about her, complaining that I wasn't involving her in the process. I should have taken this as a hint of things to come. We've been together five years and I was looking for engagement rings, having even chosen one and started getting quotes for a honeymoon. Thought this was for life. Let me point out that she is the kind of girl had had a super privileged upbringing with everything possible provided for her, so tiny things that don't actually matter are like OMG THE WORST THING EVER to her and she'd be angry for a day over a tiny thing that happened. This is frustrating but when you love someone you put up with this stuff, even though it did take a bit of a toll on my happiness with everything always being negative and 'the worst' at home however much I tried to make her happy. In July I left my job of six years for a new one because it was more independent and less corporate which added some stress to my daily life.

When I asked one of her friends for advice on rings, they said 'don't' and told me all about how she has said multiple times that she wants to leave me, has nearly gone a few times and is done with me and calls me all sorts of names. This is the girl that I spent thousands on, made every effort to make happy, cleaned up after every day, kicked out my tenants for and basically dedicated myself financially and mentally to. We agreed when we got together that neither of us wanted children, she changed her mind and knowing that I don't want them really went to town on the subject. I agreed that I would have them to make her happy. After feeling so betrayed by the fact she'd been planning on leaving and saying bad things about me I went to talk to a professional who said I could NOT have children with this woman as she cannot be trusted and also that I'd be ruining my life, her life and the child's life if I go ahead and do it. So I told her we can't have children together knowing that it would be the end of the relationship.

Everything from this point onward happened in the past month. She then changed and became her true self. Selfish, rude, treating me like shit and most of all acting really happy for the first time in years. This was what she wanted all along and I am glad her friend told me now instead of later. I was still worried about her and what she was going to do but her parents have given her a flat for basically nothing, so she'll be fine. I genuinely believe that she is someone that is not capable of being happy and don't think she ever will. I set out to improve my life and somehow stumbled across a beautiful apartment within my price range in Cardiff, found a job there, spend hundreds researching, cleaning and preparing the place with the landlord, travelling there and back (I live in Bournemouth) and arranging a job. A few days before signing, the landlord told me they couldn't afford it and would require hundreds and hundreds more per month. This was too much of a risk for me to take so that went to shit.

I decided to stay where I am only because of my job, so signed on a place last week. It's very expensive around here, so I've had to go for an (admittedly nice) small studio flat which means I have no choice but to get rid of most of the furniture, my TV and amp etc which I have amassed over the past 15 years. For some reason this is really upsetting me, and probably goes back to the point about only feeling safe and happy when I'm comfortable in a place with my personal possessions - these are all things that I meticulously researched, spent a lot of money on, loved and in the case of the furniture thought I'd probably have around for the rest of my life. I know I'm going to get really shit money for them. I would love to spend more time trying to get a bigger place and properly find a way to sell them but work 9 hours a day 5 days a week without a lunchbreak so don't have the time. So eBay/Gumtree/Facebook it is.

My personal passion was streaming to Twitch - had loads of fun and some mild success, made a few hundred quid a month and really fucking loved doing it. Since we split up that has gone to shit too, she was half the channel and I have not been able to stream since. Now my channel that we spent a almost two years building is dead, all of the viewers have gone over to her new channel and all that work/time/community building was for nothing. This is another thing that has hit me. I don't care about the money side of things but that was flat out my favourite hobby and it looks like it's over. Mentioning finances, right now they are not good. I'm paying rent on two places for half of December because my current landlord is making things as awkward as possible. Girlfriend is still being a dick to me.

Today is the day my girlfriend moves out. I work at a repair shop and just found out that the only technician who works here has walked out because he didn't get a pay rise due to financial issues with the business. We've been trying to hire a second technician for half a year with no luck. Right now I can't see a way the business can survive and I expect it to close soon. There are two sides to every story and I know I am not perfect (too insular and push friends away) as well as being aware that I've been a dick on here in the past but in real life I am always the confident, logical, stable one that is in control. This year has fucking destroyed me, I'm now none of those things and right now I don't know what to do - I'm a fucking mess in my head and have lost everything. I have never felt like this before, it's too much at once. Is this depression? Has anybody else every been in a situation like this and come out the other side? Not looking for sympathy but I am looking for advice on how to deal.

TL:DR - This year my dad died, in the past month I split up with GF of 5 years, am likely losing my job, have no money or prospects and no longer want to be alive.
 
Oct 25, 2017
153
0
Haven’t had any serious issues with depression for about 3 years which is something I’ve very proud of, but feel like I am relapsing at the moment. I’ve been unemployed and job searching for while now, and this week there were a couple of promising opportunities that haven’t worked out which has left me feeling burned out. I’m prone to anxiety and phone calls, interviews, tests, etc are things that will bring it out in me a lot. It requires a certain amount of energy for me to overcome that and at the moment I feel like that energy is totally spent. I haven’t looked at applying for anything new for a few days and just took a 3 hour nap in the evening because I didn’t know what else to do with myself.

I’m back living with my mum because I can’t afford to rent my own place without any income and I’m totally cut off from my friends and girlfriend so loneliness is creeping in a lot as well. It's my birthday next week and I'm probably going to let it go by unnoticed. I a bit upset because I’ve tried talking to my girlfriend about it by telling her I’m feeling down and lonely but it seems like she just doesn’t know what to say to me. Last year she was depressed and suicidal and I bent over backwards to help her out of it. Part of me knows this isn’t fair but I can’t help but feel frustrated that she doesn’t get me and is too immature to offer proper emotional support, after I did so much for her.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,820
0
Feeling incredibly suicidal and depressed today. Which will be the first time I've felt this way in a good 8 months. I guess it feels worse than it is because I'm going from feeling good to feeling bad instead of just varying stages of bad.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,536
0
29
Canada
Feeling incredibly suicidal and depressed today. Which will be the first time I've felt this way in a good 8 months. I guess it feels worse than it is because I'm going from feeling good to feeling bad instead of just varying stages of bad.
find those small moments of peace and try to cling on to that.

all I can do for my thoughts....so maybe it'll help you.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,536
0
29
Canada
This shit just gets worse every fucking day. When will it'll be over? Just a waste...
How are you today? Hope you're feeling better.

I think its understandable to feel the way that you do, but I know that you're strong and that you'll make it through this. Sticking with small goals like exercise and eating healthier can be helpful for fighting off these thoughts.

I do want to say that I have called those crisis lines, and I know people who have worked for them in the past. They absolutely care about you and your wellbeing, and going to a hospital and talking with professionals isn't really a bad thing, especially if you're suffering from PTSD. They are trained to help you get through this.
I don't remember writing that...
..this is something new in the past three years or so with my memory and these 'episodes'...
 
Last edited:
No worries about triple posting. I don't mind and I'm sure no one else does either. It happens.

As for me, I quit my writing gig because I can't be consistent with my mental health symptoms. Now I make no income, have no insurance. I have nothing relationship-wise, and after several promising starts, I've been ghosted by five people these week.

You can probably fill in how I'm feeling right now and what I want to do. (Hint: I'd need spoilers for it.)
 
Oct 26, 2017
480
0
I've lurked this thread for awhile now and finally worked up the courage to post (which I've wrote long pieces and deleted, struggling to find out how much to share).

Basically, I think I'm depressed and I know I'm a really anxiety ridden person. A few months ago my doctor actually asked if I was depressed. I said I didn't think so since I don't have suicidal thoughts and can usually find the energy to get up and hit the gym, get to the office, etc. My struggle always seemed to revolve around anxiety. He wanted to put me on Zoloft which I haven't taken. I don't want to rely on prescriptions.

I just get very indecisive, during the work week I'm fairly miserable in trying to find happiness. I have a wife who I love, I look forward to being home but when i'm home, I get a bit moody. I just get home play videogames for an hour until she's home from work, then it's just making dinner, doing dishes, watch a show, then fall asleep.

The things I want to do I feel I can't. And I feel I make excuses to not do them, often citing time. I have the time, I just get stuck in preferring to play videogames with my own personal allotted time I give myself. One thing I want to do is jiu-jitsu. I've signed up to two different schools over the last 2 years and have quit both after a few months. Every day of class, I'm absolutely miserable. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I'd do ANYTHING else at that moment. The few times I've managed to drag myself to class though, I've never regretted it. I always feel just fucking amazing afterwards and into the next day.

The trouble is, if I feel amazing after class Monday night, I'll still feel great most of Tuesday. But when the next class rolls around on Wednesday, it's back to being scared, stressed, etc. It makes my week miserable. So I quit, or I'll make myself sick with worry and say "well, my stomach is hurting, I should skip class to rest up". Once I do that, I feel fine. I quit two different schools due to being sick of always be anxious during the week even though I just want to do two classes per week.

This applies to damn well near everything I want to do. Martial arts, yoga, meditation, guitar lessons, etc. I just can't get anything going. Every day I'm just regretting not going out to try it again. I choose to be comfortable at home doing nothing because it's what I'm used to.

I don't know if I should try the Zoloft to see if that makes dealing with my anxiety easier thus allowing to actually do the things I want? I'm just scared of getting on them. I mean even when I'm home I can't bring myself to spend 10 minutes trying to meditate because I feel like there's something else I could be doing. It's just making me exhausted feeling so tense and frustrated with myself all the time.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,250
0
My sleep schedule is fucked.

I stay up so late and sleep so late. it's interfering with my gym practice and my life. I've tried to fix it and it's completely demoralizing cause I can't make anything work. It's making me fall into a depression.

Please help :(
 
Feb 19, 2018
996
0
My sleep schedule is fucked.

I stay up so late and sleep so late. it's interfering with my gym practice and my life. I've tried to fix it and it's completely demoralizing cause I can't make anything work. It's making me fall into a depression.

Please help :(
I wish I can ,but I have the same problem , no matter how many time I fix my sleep schedule I fuck it be 2 or 3 days later.
 

jacob.armitage

And that went well, so I'm compelled
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
3,222
0
My sleep schedule is fucked.

I stay up so late and sleep so late. it's interfering with my gym practice and my life. I've tried to fix it and it's completely demoralizing cause I can't make anything work. It's making me fall into a depression.

Please help :(
Might be worth talking to your doctor and discussing doing a sleep study? I've struggled with sleeping issues for most of my life and I know how frustrating it can be.
 
update time ...
So i've had my ups and downs, some moments of baseline satisfactory and a few moments of genuine happiness recently. im not sure what is going on but i feel like i've finally able to see a light through all of this mud and fog ive been walking in for years. it's not some type of secret cure for everything but i've noticed that i have been searching for "something". what that something is i can't explain. something of fullfillment i suppose.... not religion, nor a one quick fix to destroy my demons. while i still am in progress and speaking with a therapist every few weeks, i am taking more initiative to really hone into myself. And i dont think i will ever be "cured" of my depression but i think i am on the right steps as i want to move forward.

for too long i've looked outside to what society could offer me to fix my problem instead of using the tools i have within. i've been selfish and while seeking help is really great, i expected my therapise to just tell me what would fix me. that's not realistic ...

Our minds are very powerful and it has been my own worse enemy for these past years. while i do not dismiss my depression as my body has this chemical imbalance, i can say i believe i can help myself more than i believed. I've researched methods of how some people helped their thought process and most of them either want to use shock therapy, some type of surgery or even ancient methods using medicine to trip(dmt). so far the outcome i see repeat itself is to understand that you are the actual key. your control of your thoughts, and with this you can help alleviate the thoughts of wanting to die. i know i've been there as i didnt want to "live like this" for the rest of my life some months ago .. it was scary the more i look back at it.

My biggest issue for me personally was i put myself into isolation. i created a cell of my own hell and contributed to it with my depressive thoughts and self-destructive behavior. So if anyone is reading this, you can and will experience something better than what you are going through right now. you dont have to trust me, you just need to trust yourself that you can and will. Sometimes you may feel stuck, but you do have the power. you do. we all do. dont give up like i almost did.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
Quick background, I had a poor childhood which featured homelessness, foster care and other shit like that. The one thing that makes me feel secure is having a 'stable' home, possibly to a fault because once I am comfortable and feel safe I don't really aim as high as I should. The relevance of this will show itself in a minute. I don't have much family, the relative I am closest to was my dad - he had a stroke in 2016, spent 6 months in hospital and lived a year or so highly disabled. Difficult to watch such a proud man be reduced to that, and he clearly hated it. In February he had another stroke and after a few weeks in hospital died. I was with him for the whole day he passed, which was a slow and difficult process - he's the first person I've seen die.

My girlfriend somehow made this about her, complaining that I wasn't involving her in the process. I should have taken this as a hint of things to come. We've been together five years and I was looking for engagement rings, having even chosen one and started getting quotes for a honeymoon. Thought this was for life. Let me point out that she is the kind of girl had had a super privileged upbringing with everything possible provided for her, so tiny things that don't actually matter are like OMG THE WORST THING EVER to her and she'd be angry for a day over a tiny thing that happened. This is frustrating but when you love someone you put up with this stuff, even though it did take a bit of a toll on my happiness with everything always being negative and 'the worst' at home however much I tried to make her happy. In July I left my job of six years for a new one because it was more independent and less corporate which added some stress to my daily life.

When I asked one of her friends for advice on rings, they said 'don't' and told me all about how she has said multiple times that she wants to leave me, has nearly gone a few times and is done with me and calls me all sorts of names. This is the girl that I spent thousands on, made every effort to make happy, cleaned up after every day, kicked out my tenants for and basically dedicated myself financially and mentally to. We agreed when we got together that neither of us wanted children, she changed her mind and knowing that I don't want them really went to town on the subject. I agreed that I would have them to make her happy. After feeling so betrayed by the fact she'd been planning on leaving and saying bad things about me I went to talk to a professional who said I could NOT have children with this woman as she cannot be trusted and also that I'd be ruining my life, her life and the child's life if I go ahead and do it. So I told her we can't have children together knowing that it would be the end of the relationship.

Everything from this point onward happened in the past month. She then changed and became her true self. Selfish, rude, treating me like shit and most of all acting really happy for the first time in years. This was what she wanted all along and I am glad her friend told me now instead of later. I was still worried about her and what she was going to do but her parents have given her a flat for basically nothing, so she'll be fine. I genuinely believe that she is someone that is not capable of being happy and don't think she ever will. I set out to improve my life and somehow stumbled across a beautiful apartment within my price range in Cardiff, found a job there, spend hundreds researching, cleaning and preparing the place with the landlord, travelling there and back (I live in Bournemouth) and arranging a job. A few days before signing, the landlord told me they couldn't afford it and would require hundreds and hundreds more per month. This was too much of a risk for me to take so that went to shit.

I decided to stay where I am only because of my job, so signed on a place last week. It's very expensive around here, so I've had to go for an (admittedly nice) small studio flat which means I have no choice but to get rid of most of the furniture, my TV and amp etc which I have amassed over the past 15 years. For some reason this is really upsetting me, and probably goes back to the point about only feeling safe and happy when I'm comfortable in a place with my personal possessions - these are all things that I meticulously researched, spent a lot of money on, loved and in the case of the furniture thought I'd probably have around for the rest of my life. I know I'm going to get really shit money for them. I would love to spend more time trying to get a bigger place and properly find a way to sell them but work 9 hours a day 5 days a week without a lunchbreak so don't have the time. So eBay/Gumtree/Facebook it is.

My personal passion was streaming to Twitch - had loads of fun and some mild success, made a few hundred quid a month and really fucking loved doing it. Since we split up that has gone to shit too, she was half the channel and I have not been able to stream since. Now my channel that we spent a almost two years building is dead, all of the viewers have gone over to her new channel and all that work/time/community building was for nothing. This is another thing that has hit me. I don't care about the money side of things but that was flat out my favourite hobby and it looks like it's over. Mentioning finances, right now they are not good. I'm paying rent on two places for half of December because my current landlord is making things as awkward as possible. Girlfriend is still being a dick to me.

Today is the day my girlfriend moves out. I work at a repair shop and just found out that the only technician who works here has walked out because he didn't get a pay rise due to financial issues with the business. We've been trying to hire a second technician for half a year with no luck. Right now I can't see a way the business can survive and I expect it to close soon. There are two sides to every story and I know I am not perfect (too insular and push friends away) as well as being aware that I've been a dick on here in the past but in real life I am always the confident, logical, stable one that is in control. This year has fucking destroyed me, I'm now none of those things and right now I don't know what to do - I'm a fucking mess in my head and have lost everything. I have never felt like this before, it's too much at once. Is this depression? Has anybody else every been in a situation like this and come out the other side? Not looking for sympathy but I am looking for advice on how to deal.

TL:DR - This year my dad died, in the past month I split up with GF of 5 years, am likely losing my job, have no money or prospects and no longer want to be alive.
Hey Hari, thank you for sharing all of this. You've been through quite a lot and it's normal to feel a little lost or depressed after going through so much, but I can tell based on what you've said here that you're strong and that you'll make it through this. You're paying the rent on multiple places right now, but once you're able to get past that, that should give you some more breathing room. If you're certain that the repair shop that you work for is going to go under some time in the future, would it be at all possible to start looking for another job right now? Are there any other repair shops in the area that you could apply to? I do understand that changing jobs again so soon will be stressful, but I think it would alleviate a lot of the stress you're feeling if you could feel a little more stable.

Haven’t had any serious issues with depression for about 3 years which is something I’ve very proud of, but feel like I am relapsing at the moment. I’ve been unemployed and job searching for while now, and this week there were a couple of promising opportunities that haven’t worked out which has left me feeling burned out. I’m prone to anxiety and phone calls, interviews, tests, etc are things that will bring it out in me a lot. It requires a certain amount of energy for me to overcome that and at the moment I feel like that energy is totally spent. I haven’t looked at applying for anything new for a few days and just took a 3 hour nap in the evening because I didn’t know what else to do with myself.

I’m back living with my mum because I can’t afford to rent my own place without any income and I’m totally cut off from my friends and girlfriend so loneliness is creeping in a lot as well. It's my birthday next week and I'm probably going to let it go by unnoticed. I a bit upset because I’ve tried talking to my girlfriend about it by telling her I’m feeling down and lonely but it seems like she just doesn’t know what to say to me. Last year she was depressed and suicidal and I bent over backwards to help her out of it. Part of me knows this isn’t fair but I can’t help but feel frustrated that she doesn’t get me and is too immature to offer proper emotional support, after I did so much for her.
It's understandable to feel frustrated when we feel like others aren't supporting us. In my experience, when someone has trouble reaching out and helping someone else, it isn't necessarily because they're too immature but just that they're worried about making things worse. They care about you, but they just aren't sure how to go about helping. Do you have anyone else that you can talk to about this kind of thing, like a therapist?

Feeling incredibly suicidal and depressed today. Which will be the first time I've felt this way in a good 8 months. I guess it feels worse than it is because I'm going from feeling good to feeling bad instead of just varying stages of bad.
Hey Anung, would you be willing to talk to us a little more about what's causing you to feel this way?
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
I don't remember writing that...
..this is something new in the past three years or so with my memory and these 'episodes'...
Can you try and think back to what you were doing that night that might have led to that episode? Did this ever come up with your therapist while you were talking to them?

I've lurked this thread for awhile now and finally worked up the courage to post (which I've wrote long pieces and deleted, struggling to find out how much to share).

Basically, I think I'm depressed and I know I'm a really anxiety ridden person. A few months ago my doctor actually asked if I was depressed. I said I didn't think so since I don't have suicidal thoughts and can usually find the energy to get up and hit the gym, get to the office, etc. My struggle always seemed to revolve around anxiety. He wanted to put me on Zoloft which I haven't taken. I don't want to rely on prescriptions.

I just get very indecisive, during the work week I'm fairly miserable in trying to find happiness. I have a wife who I love, I look forward to being home but when i'm home, I get a bit moody. I just get home play videogames for an hour until she's home from work, then it's just making dinner, doing dishes, watch a show, then fall asleep.

The things I want to do I feel I can't. And I feel I make excuses to not do them, often citing time. I have the time, I just get stuck in preferring to play videogames with my own personal allotted time I give myself. One thing I want to do is jiu-jitsu. I've signed up to two different schools over the last 2 years and have quit both after a few months. Every day of class, I'm absolutely miserable. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I'd do ANYTHING else at that moment. The few times I've managed to drag myself to class though, I've never regretted it. I always feel just fucking amazing afterwards and into the next day.

The trouble is, if I feel amazing after class Monday night, I'll still feel great most of Tuesday. But when the next class rolls around on Wednesday, it's back to being scared, stressed, etc. It makes my week miserable. So I quit, or I'll make myself sick with worry and say "well, my stomach is hurting, I should skip class to rest up". Once I do that, I feel fine. I quit two different schools due to being sick of always be anxious during the week even though I just want to do two classes per week.

This applies to damn well near everything I want to do. Martial arts, yoga, meditation, guitar lessons, etc. I just can't get anything going. Every day I'm just regretting not going out to try it again. I choose to be comfortable at home doing nothing because it's what I'm used to.

I don't know if I should try the Zoloft to see if that makes dealing with my anxiety easier thus allowing to actually do the things I want? I'm just scared of getting on them. I mean even when I'm home I can't bring myself to spend 10 minutes trying to meditate because I feel like there's something else I could be doing. It's just making me exhausted feeling so tense and frustrated with myself all the time.
Hey cosmic, welcome to the thread. It's okay to share anything that you're comfortable with in here. It's understandable to feel exhausted when dealing with so many conflicting feelings. Do you think that the Zoloft might help you to feel a little more calm when trying to go to jiu-jitsu classes?

My sleep schedule is fucked.

I stay up so late and sleep so late. it's interfering with my gym practice and my life. I've tried to fix it and it's completely demoralizing cause I can't make anything work. It's making me fall into a depression.

Please help :(
Fixing a sleep schedule can be a huge pain honestly. Right now, my body wakes me up right around 3 AM every night, and it's always a mystery how long it takes me to fall back asleep. Going for a sleep study is a pretty great idea, but what have you tried so far to try and fix your sleep schedule? Are you sleeping through alarms if you try and set them?
 
Not sure if I’ve posted here before, but here’s what’s up.

I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist, hopefully in January, to diagnose whatever mental disorder I’ve got. It’s getting serious, judging by my recent failures in college. The back of my mind refuses to stop telling me I’m a miserable wreck of the potential others see in me. And I can hold that at bay since I keep my positives in mind, but it’s gotten heavy now that I’m stuck in finals season. Having real finals to study for would actually feel better than having gotten behind on project work, though.

A little cross-section of my symptoms in recent months:
  • Lack of initiative to do work before play/distractions (I’ve always struggled with this, and I always think I’m gonna be proactive when I’m not)
  • Poor sleep habits, exacerbated by on-call work in the past (shifts at a supermarket), plus some recent insomnia
  • Inability to follow through on important promises (ex. Graduating from my major without forcing parents to either take loans or cut off my funding; I also put off things like birthday gifts)
  • Comfortable with a procrastinating mind and unable to imagine life working all the time (one reason the horror stories about grads struggling with post-college work hit me hard)
  • Some problems staying focused on tasks and things I care about a lot (never got an AD(H)D diagnosis back in grade school)
  • Mild feelings of alienation and reluctance to invest myself in new friends or more in current ones
  • Slight fear of rejection from friends or anyone I find attractive
  • Imposter syndrome of sorts, the general feeling of inadequacy I get when working with people who either mask their problems better or who have definitely found their calling in our major (technical writing)
  • Difficulty identifying what makes me unique and meaningful to myself; I used to act, think, and speak a lot slower than I do now, and I feel like I become a new person every few years
  • Finally, living in Texas, surrounded by people who lack or reserve empathy for the stupidest of reasons
I’ve lurked for too long now, reading through this latest thread with a lot on my mind. Right now I’m basically waiting for this semester to end so I can go back to slogging for crap money at a supermarket. Regardless of what I have, there’s a bunch of things I can do to start living better, less like a ne’er-do-well with fancy words and knowledge. I hate the idea of leaving my media library and backlog to rot, though, so managing all these priorities could just impede me from growing up or something.

My new goals involve:
  • Finding a new, less humiliating job (where I’m not serving smug Rapture-loving Boomers)
  • Leveraging what I’ve learned to build a portfolio
  • Getting an internship during my time off
  • Keeping up with friends while volunteering and doing meet-ups/gym classes
I’ll have enough money to re-enroll in fall, at least. My mother insists that I wait too long for the perfect moment to act, but we’ve done just the opposite with school and look how that’s turned out. The idea’s that I can do my own project work, with or without grades for each milestone, without rushing everything at the end. (Alternatively, I can actually get enough done to submit, rather than underestimate what’s expected of me.) What I don’t want to is to be labeled and damned as a lazy fuck-up who isn’t worth other’s love or tolerance. I feel like I’ve worked for that my whole life, but it’s never enough.

My therapist’s gonna receive a lot of my journaling soon since it’s easier to write all this down than to summon it in time for a session.
 
I just wanted to check in.
Lately has been really bad for me. Two days ago I didn’t want to do anything because stress has been grating at me. It has been awful.
I didn’t want to post here anymore about because I was afraid that I would get annoying with my mood swings so I started a blog. It’s not much but I just wanted some place to vent and post my short stories. It’ll probably be fun, I don’t know. But I did feel a lot better after I posted my first entry. I’m going to just keep working on it along with my writing projects. They seem to keep me calm.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
Not sure if I’ve posted here before, but here’s what’s up.

I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist, hopefully in January, to diagnose whatever mental disorder I’ve got. It’s getting serious, judging by my recent failures in college. The back of my mind refuses to stop telling me I’m a miserable wreck of the potential others see in me. And I can hold that at bay since I keep my positives in mind, but it’s gotten heavy now that I’m stuck in finals season. Having real finals to study for would actually feel better than having gotten behind on project work, though.

A little cross-section of my symptoms in recent months:
  • Lack of initiative to do work before play/distractions (I’ve always struggled with this, and I always think I’m gonna be proactive when I’m not)
  • Poor sleep habits, exacerbated by on-call work in the past (shifts at a supermarket), plus some recent insomnia
  • Inability to follow through on important promises (ex. Graduating from my major without forcing parents to either take loans or cut off my funding; I also put off things like birthday gifts)
  • Comfortable with a procrastinating mind and unable to imagine life working all the time (one reason the horror stories about grads struggling with post-college work hit me hard)
  • Some problems staying focused on tasks and things I care about a lot (never got an AD(H)D diagnosis back in grade school)
  • Mild feelings of alienation and reluctance to invest myself in new friends or more in current ones
  • Slight fear of rejection from friends or anyone I find attractive
  • Imposter syndrome of sorts, the general feeling of inadequacy I get when working with people who either mask their problems better or who have definitely found their calling in our major (technical writing)
  • Difficulty identifying what makes me unique and meaningful to myself; I used to act, think, and speak a lot slower than I do now, and I feel like I become a new person every few years
  • Finally, living in Texas, surrounded by people who lack or reserve empathy for the stupidest of reasons
I’ve lurked for too long now, reading through this latest thread with a lot on my mind. Right now I’m basically waiting for this semester to end so I can go back to slogging for crap money at a supermarket. Regardless of what I have, there’s a bunch of things I can do to start living better, less like a ne’er-do-well with fancy words and knowledge. I hate the idea of leaving my media library and backlog to rot, though, so managing all these priorities could just impede me from growing up or something.

My new goals involve:
  • Finding a new, less humiliating job (where I’m not serving smug Rapture-loving Boomers)
  • Leveraging what I’ve learned to build a portfolio
  • Getting an internship during my time off
  • Keeping up with friends while volunteering and doing meet-ups/gym classes
I’ll have enough money to re-enroll in fall, at least. My mother insists that I wait too long for the perfect moment to act, but we’ve done just the opposite with school and look how that’s turned out. The idea’s that I can do my own project work, with or without grades for each milestone, without rushing everything at the end. (Alternatively, I can actually get enough done to submit, rather than underestimate what’s expected of me.) What I don’t want to is to be labeled and damned as a lazy fuck-up who isn’t worth other’s love or tolerance. I feel like I’ve worked for that my whole life, but it’s never enough.

My therapist’s gonna receive a lot of my journaling soon since it’s easier to write all this down than to summon it in time for a session.
Thank you for sharing all of this Pasokon. It sounds like you have a strong understanding of what you have issues with and what you need to work on, and that's a really incredible first step to take. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a little time off from college so that you can figure a few things out, and make some money, so please don't beat yourself up over that. I think that showing your therapist your journaling and having everything prepared before-hand like this is a really great idea as well, and I'm sure that they'll be able to help you figure all of this out. And you aren't lazy and you don't have to earn anyone's love or tolerance. I can tell from this that you are an incredibly strong person and that you're going to make it through this.

I do just want to recommend that you try and break those new goals up into some smaller goals. Those are some large changes, and some of them might take a bit to see fulfilled, but if you can manage to break them down into smaller things like "Apply to 5 jobs this week" instead of "Find a new job" then you will be able to maintain a more consistent pace and stick with it for longer.

I just wanted to check in.
Lately has been really bad for me. Two days ago I didn’t want to do anything because stress has been grating at me. It has been awful.
I didn’t want to post here anymore about because I was afraid that I would get annoying with my mood swings so I started a blog. It’s not much but I just wanted some place to vent and post my short stories. It’ll probably be fun, I don’t know. But I did feel a lot better after I posted my first entry. I’m going to just keep working on it along with my writing projects. They seem to keep me calm.
Hey Maximum, please don't feel like you can't post here if you need too. If you need to vent or talk about anything, we're always here for you. I think that having a blog is a really great idea though, just being able to really write it all out can be comforting. What kind of writing projects do you work on?
 
Oct 26, 2017
480
0
Ketkat said:
Hey cosmic, welcome to the thread. It's okay to share anything that you're comfortable with in here. It's understandable to feel exhausted when dealing with so many conflicting feelings. Do you think that the Zoloft might help you to feel a little more calm when trying to go to jiu-jitsu classes?
To be honest, I have no idea. I've never taken any meds like that before. I read about the possible side effects and immediately said nope. I wanted to try to do this without prescriptions, I just don't know if it's worth trying it since I don't know what to even expect.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
To be honest, I have no idea. I've never taken any meds like that before. I read about the possible side effects and immediately said nope. I wanted to try to do this without prescriptions, I just don't know if it's worth trying it since I don't know what to even expect.
Ah yeah, that can definitely happen if you read into all the side effects in medication. Just as an example, you can look at what's here for Advil https://www.drugs.com/sfx/advil-side-effects.html

It's a pretty scary and long list! But it's important to keep in mind that just because these are possible side effects doesn't mean that you're going to have to deal with any of them necessarily. If this is something you're concerned about, then I think keeping yourself educated is a good call and you should talk to your doctor about it again. They can give you a better idea of what you can expect to deal with, but I do just want to say that medications have helped countless people and if you think it might help, I think it's worth considering if your doctor still recommends it.
 
Thank you for sharing all of this Pasokon. It sounds like you have a strong understanding of what you have issues with and what you need to work on, and that's a really incredible first step to take. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a little time off from college so that you can figure a few things out, and make some money, so please don't beat yourself up over that. I think that showing your therapist your journaling and having everything prepared before-hand like this is a really great idea as well, and I'm sure that they'll be able to help you figure all of this out. And you aren't lazy and you don't have to earn anyone's love or tolerance. I can tell from this that you are an incredibly strong person and that you're going to make it through this.

I do just want to recommend that you try and break those new goals up into some smaller goals. Those are some large changes, and some of them might take a bit to see fulfilled, but if you can manage to break them down into smaller things like "Apply to 5 jobs this week" instead of "Find a new job" then you will be able to maintain a more consistent pace and stick with it for longer.
Thank you! I appreciate the response.

I've been using lists (Wunderlist) to break up these larger tasks in smaller points. Avoiding the impulse to push tasks further out or inadequately chunk them has given me the most trouble, but it's still working. Making more money's good and important, so I'm willing to work multiple jobs so long as I can still diet, exercise well, and keep a sleep schedule. Most places should be hiring college-age people right after the holidays.

The lingering hang-up I have is how I want to feel about forcing myself into experiences just for the sake of knowing. For example: when I'm feeling and doing a lot better, how much do I want to risk that by dating, by pursuing that deeper relationship? I think about this a lot less than I did some months ago, thankfully. It's true that I want "real love" with someone, but I believe others when they describe how awful their break-ups have gone. Relying on myself takes priority of course. I'm assuming anyone I get into a relationship with has to consider the same risks and selfish desires. (When I actually have a plan, I'm taking all this baggage to Dating-ERA if I have to talk about it here.) Basically, I don't want to retroactively justify my sadomasochistic life choices and lose sight of what I want or need.
 
Hey Maximum, please don't feel like you can't post here if you need too. If you need to vent or talk about anything, we're always here for you. I think that having a blog is a really great idea though, just being able to really write it all out can be comforting. What kind of writing projects do you work on?
Thank you, that means a lot. I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and have been slipping back into old bad habits like procrastinating and laying in bed not doing anything until it’s time to work. I really want to read a book but I lack the energy. I’ve also been quitting games an hour into them so no progress. I’ve been slacking on gaming the whole year so that’s no surprise there.
I have been working on two of my novels and a few short stories I want to publish to some magazines. Adding the blog on top of that, I feel there’s so much I should be doing instead of moping.
 
Oct 25, 2017
908
0
this year is coming to a close and frankly i dont see how there is anything for me to live for in this world. if i were end my life tomorrow i would not miss out on anything. my life is pretty much over. i am a living husk of a man working to pay bills and debit.
 
Oct 25, 2017
3,252
0
Thank you! I appreciate the response.

I've been using lists (Wunderlist) to break up these larger tasks in smaller points. Avoiding the impulse to push tasks further out or inadequately chunk them has given me the most trouble, but it's still working. Making more money's good and important, so I'm willing to work multiple jobs so long as I can still diet, exercise well, and keep a sleep schedule. Most places should be hiring college-age people right after the holidays.

The lingering hang-up I have is how I want to feel about forcing myself into experiences just for the sake of knowing. For example: when I'm feeling and doing a lot better, how much do I want to risk that by dating, by pursuing that deeper relationship? I think about this a lot less than I did some months ago, thankfully. It's true that I want "real love" with someone, but I believe others when they describe how awful their break-ups have gone. Relying on myself takes priority of course. I'm assuming anyone I get into a relationship with has to consider the same risks and selfish desires. (When I actually have a plan, I'm taking all this baggage to Dating-ERA if I have to talk about it here.) Basically, I don't want to retroactively justify my sadomasochistic life choices and lose sight of what I want or need.
That's awesome to hear that you're already breaking things up into smaller points, and I'm glad that it's working for you. I think that wanting to be self-sufficient before you really dive into dating is an admirable goal, but I also think that if you find someone that you like, that you should go for it. You can never really know how a relationship will turn out, but break-ups can be painful because of just how incredible the relationship was. If you do end up making a plan and need to talk about it here, feel free but DatingERA is pretty great and they can definitely help you figure out everything in there.

Thank you, that means a lot. I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and have been slipping back into old bad habits like procrastinating and laying in bed not doing anything until it’s time to work. I really want to read a book but I lack the energy. I’ve also been quitting games an hour into them so no progress. I’ve been slacking on gaming the whole year so that’s no surprise there.
I have been working on two of my novels and a few short stories I want to publish to some magazines. Adding the blog on top of that, I feel there’s so much I should be doing instead of moping.
I see. If you feel that those suicidal thoughts are becoming too common or too much, please keep in mind that crisis lines are there for you. We're here to support you however we can as well.

It's okay to mope from time to time, sometimes we just need a little bit of time to feel what's going on before we really dive back into things. It sounds like you have a lot of great projects in the works there though, and I really hope that you can get those short stories published!
 

ryseing

Bought courtside tickets just to read a book.
Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,297
0
North Carolina
Hi folks. I just want to rant about end of semester presentations.

The end of the semester is stressful enough, and you add that bullshit on top? I had a nervous breakdown this afternoon because I had another one of those fucking things. I understand the academic value of forcing presentations, but there has to be a better time to do them then the end of the semester. Are you trying to recreate the stress of working a full-time job? Because at least you get paid to put up with that shit.