Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
I am growing angrier and angrier at the state of the government and racism and bigotry going on in the US. There is a KKK rally tomorrow near me and I want to go counter protest but my sister is arguing with me that it's best not to give them attention. Now my 4 year old niece over heard us talking and my sister kept saying I'd get hurt going there and my niece started crying begging me not to go so I don't get hurt. I feel like my sister knew what she was doing by saying that in front of her now guilt tripping me into not going and doing what I believe in. I am just angry so much right now.
That sounds rough. I can't comment on the situation with you and your relatives, but I definitely have struggled with frustration over what's going on in the world right now. It's a particular mental health challenge because for me depression can manifest itself as a sort of learned helplessness, which is very easy to fall into with the world situation being what it is. Just try to remember that who you are and what you believe matters, even if it doesn't seem like it does.
 

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,125
in hell
I wonder if people that commit suicide are happy in the afterlife if there is one or if they reincarnated they are in a better life than the one they left. I sort of know what life I would like if I was reincarnated. Definitely not this life. Some people like me who are born as a loser cannot get any help from any therapist or doctor or medication or anything like. Suicide probably is the only cure for me. Hope I can convince myself to die this weekend. I hate my job and life yet my mind and soul are against me. Whatever I do whatever choice I make I fail and suffer. I wish I could be normal like everyone else.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I actually have both electric and acoustic lol. I bought the acoustic 2 years back and didnt play it as much. Moving where I did its been the only thing that kept me busy, it's actually been good therapy too. Learning to be kind to myself and learn a skill.

Got the electric because I always wanted one, and my therapist and my partner recommended it and I bit the bullet. I'm mostly learning so it's more skill focused then goal focused. Using yousician and rocksmith with YouTube videos and while I have a list of songs I wanna play most of them I'm not where I need to be to play them.

Ultimate goal I wanna make my own music, do something expressive.

My partner is an ocean away and I'm a victim of abuse so lve always known loneliness, I choose it though. When I finally leave wv I want to tackle that a bit with new friends and experiences but I think if I can stand on my own 2 feet without support then I'll be okay.

Like okay cptsd stuff, I put so much of my own stock in other people. Kill for that support, take criticism terribly. I dont know alot of basic things and I don't trust myself already to do simple things again based on how I was raised. Like I have trouble with basic basic things, like tieing a shoe or cooking a simple meal. It's not that I'm not educated or stupid (also I do have dyslexia and dysgraphia which is why my writing can be very poor) I was just reinforced into a submissive role.

Like I think I need to be lonely, I need personal growth. Dont get me wrong I have good people in my life and I wouldn't trade them for the world, they just aren't here for the most part and they aren't where I'm going any time soon.
I own 3 guitars and 1 bass. I rarely spend the time to get really good, it's something I'm trying to get into my routine.

I have had this period where I spent years on my own, and I've used a lot of that time to really get to know and understand myself.

Whilst that sounds nice I was also stuck there, held hostage by my own negative feelings. So while it's possible to get some personal growth in those situations be careful not to stay alone like that forever. It's really hard to get out of that habit.
 

vestan

Member
Dec 28, 2017
9,026
Adding to this because all of you deserve to know you're valid, loved and supported, and mental health should not be stigmatized!

I have a number of clinically-diagnosed co-morbid mental health/neurological conditions:

ASD 1 (what used to be known as Asperger's until the DSM 5, diagnosed last month at 43 years old)
ADHD (primarily impulsive, re-diagnosed a few months ago after ignoring my first diagnosis for 20 years and now on medication that has changed my life for the better)
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Major Depressive Disorder
PTSD (see spoilers)
Gender Dysphoria

So as you can see, I'm something of a mess, haha!

However, I'm actually in a good place in my life. You see, throughout my life I suffered major traumatic events, such as
•Being kidnapped as a baby by my mother to spite my father, whom she lied about my entire childhood saying he threatened to kill us, only admitting the lie when I was in my 20s (he is now in my life after I finally found him a few years ago)
•Emotional neglect and abuse from that same alcoholic mother and her alcoholic new husband; I was the unwanted leftover child from the father she stole me from (along with everything he owned) while my younger half-brother was the golden child who could do no wrong no matter how much wrong he did
•Physical abuse (whipped by a belt and sometimes getting the buckle) from the stepfather
•Intense recurrent bullying throughout primary school, including physical assault every day for 2 years until the teachers started keeping me inside at recess
•Zero emotional support or recognition from my purported family as I was struggling in school with undiagnosed neurdevelopmental disorders (almost failing out of school in 3rd/5th/6th/10th/last college grades)
•3 years of sexual abuse from a babysitter starting at age 8
•Several serious suicide attempts at 9 years old, and suicidal ideation throughout the years (I'm okay now)
•Loneliness, isolation and social confusion my entire life
•Death threats (I once had to talk a guy down from shooting me)
•Deep, deep, deeeeeep repression about my gender identity and sexual orientation (child of a military family growing up in Florida in the 80s, I was doomed)
•and much, much more!


And yet, I not only survived, I'm thriving.

I have a wonderful partner in crime and love who adores me and whom I adore, who I'm moving in with next month. I have a college degree (B.S. in broadcast media science), and an amazing job with Blizzard Entertainment working on my favorite game (Overwatch) after jumping careers following 16 years in broadcasting. I'm getting amazing therapy, am healing, and am actively transitioning. I have lots of genuine friends. I'm respected. I love myself. I'm worthy.

And so are you. You can hang on, and grow, and succeed. I've been remarkably fortunate, while also having to fight like my life depended on it (sometimes literally, see above). I believe in you just as much as I now believe in myself.

So hugs to all in need who want them, and remember: you're not alone. <3
Hey. I know I'm a bit late with this but this is a really inspiring post and I'm extremely glad to see you're doing well. Thank you so much for posting this.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
I own 3 guitars and 1 bass. I rarely spend the time to get really good, it's something I'm trying to get into my routine.

I have had this period where I spent years on my own, and I've used a lot of that time to really get to know and understand myself.

Whilst that sounds nice I was also stuck there, held hostage by my own negative feelings. So while it's possible to get some personal growth in those situations be careful not to stay alone like that forever. It's really hard to get out of that habit.
Being alone is what I know, when I'm not I tend to sabotage it. Again i do want to meet people and go out of my comfort zone but being lonely is just my unfortunate reality and ultimately is one of those things that has defined me for my entire life. Even with change of location and self improvement it's one of those things I've accepted I'll not truly be solving.
 
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delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,363
Germany
Being alone is what I know, when I'm not I tend to sabotage it. Again i do want to meet people and go out of my comfort zone but being lonely is just my unfortunate reality and ultimately is one of those things that has defined me for my entire life. Even with change of location and self improvement it's one of those things I've accepted I'll not truly be solving.
I can kinda relate to this. I've started getting out more and really try to improve as much as possible, but i don't think i am ever going to find people again that i want to hang out with. Hell, i don't even know how to find those people. I was already an outsider in school and didn't fit in with my "friends". This just got worse over the years. I can't imagine taking someone home and honestly cant even remember the last time i did.

There was this thread about someone dating a person with anxiety and depression a while ago and it got me thinking if i'll ever be able to have a (happy) relationship, a friendship is already impossible to find. But granted it would be difficult for me even without my problems.
 

VintageElise

Member
Oct 30, 2017
38
I found out last week I've been under surveillance for the last year and have been sent the footage. Oh boy has this send me on a downward spiral! I haven't opened the curtains or left the house since. I'm meant to comment on the footage but can't bring myself to watch it. My partner has seen it and said it's mostly mundane but still, I feel quite violated.

When I found out, I did try hang myself and nearly succeeded but passed out and woke up with a nice cut on my face.

Just scared I may never be able to be outside again. While it's unlikely I'm still being watched, it's possible.

I don't want to post the reason for the surveillance publicly but do want to stress it's not for anything criminal.
 
Oct 27, 2017
267
Im struggling today. I havent had an off day in one month, havent worked less than 12 hours in one month, and I am still behind on work. Im an anxious wreck tbh, and Im making mistakes at work now.

i have one week to finish an insane amount of work I fell behind on and there arent enough hours in the day. Stressed, anxious, and feeling down on my work performance in general.
 

Malcolm9

Member
Oct 27, 2017
894
UK
Im struggling today. I havent had an off day in one month, havent worked less than 12 hours in one month, and I am still behind on work. Im an anxious wreck tbh, and Im making mistakes at work now.

i have one week to finish an insane amount of work I fell behind on and there arent enough hours in the day. Stressed, anxious, and feeling down on my work performance in general.
Can anyone help you with your workload? I get very overrun in my HR role but luckily I have some great colleagues where we can bounce off each other for ideas, work etc.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
So, what makes us so strong and you so weak?
From your previous posts, you've already tried to get help, but it's always a very limited amount of help. You also seem to dislike the idea of taking medication to get better. Or rather you might consider it a momentary high in a life of lows?

What do you need to keep fighting?
People here are getting help, connecting with others. Talking to each other on this forum.
Yet here I am broken, can't connect with anyone because of my fucked up brain. I can't trust anyone, people always hurt me or leave me or die.
I don't remember names, meaningful events, etc so it's like always meeting a stranger.

It's been 10+ years of this shit, I tried to get help it didn't work and I tried again and they ignored me.

I'm supposed to take meds and keep doing the same? I don't think that's how it works best for meds.
There was no support, just six sessions of therapy (when they are up, that's it. pay up for more).
They leave me on medication with no support.

I turned 30 yesterday and it was the most pathetic shit ever, I have accomplished nothing in life.

I'm done fighting, I want to end this misery called life. I'm too hyper aware, too existential..I can't fucking stop thinking all the time. Constant voices.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
People here are getting help, connecting with others. Talking to each other on this forum.
Yet here I am broken, can't connect with anyone because of my fucked up brain. I can't trust anyone, people always hurt me or leave me or die.
I don't remember names, meaningful events, etc so it's like always meeting a stranger.

It's been 10+ years of this shit, I tried to get help it didn't work and I tried again and they ignored me.

I'm supposed to take meds and keep doing the same? I don't think that's how it works best for meds.
There was no support, just six sessions of therapy (when they are up, that's it. pay up for more).
They leave me on medication with no support.

I turned 30 yesterday and it was the most pathetic shit ever, I have accomplished nothing in life.

I'm done fighting, I want to end this misery called life. I'm too hyper aware, too existential..I can't fucking stop thinking all the time. Constant voices.
You were the first person who reached out to me and a major reason I post here so much. I know you're in so much pain friend, and I'm really hoping for the best for you.

I can kinda relate to this. I've started getting out more and really try to improve as much as possible, but i don't think i am ever going to find people again that i want to hang out with. Hell, i don't even know how to find those people. I was already an outsider in school and didn't fit in with my "friends". This just got worse over the years. I can't imagine taking someone home and honestly cant even remember the last time i did.

There was this thread about someone dating a person with anxiety and depression a while ago and it got me thinking if i'll ever be able to have a (happy) relationship, a friendship is already impossible to find. But granted it would be difficult for me even without my problems.
I wish I could say anything useful I just cant really with this subject. Like I have 2 people that live here, one of which I visit hopefully weekly and 1 just for the movies. Im leaving them behind but I also lean, it feels more like im taking up space. Like I'm not alone, it's just the people I care about are on my phone. They are in other states, other continents. Like I'm blessed, I have great people in my life truly. I wouldn't give them up for anything or anyone else. I even have someone who understands me on a deeper level, they just arent here.

I saw the same thread and I couldnt respond really. I really wanna say something more positive to you but I just dont know with this subject. I'm hoping to make friends, I used to just use video games to do that but friendships based off a subject never feel very authentic. Truthfully I doubt I'll be making any, but if I can live outside of my walls, as a stranger in a city then at least I'm living in something bigger then my walls.
 
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Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
People here are getting help, connecting with others. Talking to each other on this forum.
Yet here I am broken, can't connect with anyone because of my fucked up brain. I can't trust anyone, people always hurt me or leave me or die.
I don't remember names, meaningful events, etc so it's like always meeting a stranger.

It's been 10+ years of this shit, I tried to get help it didn't work and I tried again and they ignored me.

I'm supposed to take meds and keep doing the same? I don't think that's how it works best for meds.
There was no support, just six sessions of therapy (when they are up, that's it. pay up for more).
They leave me on medication with no support.

I turned 30 yesterday and it was the most pathetic shit ever, I have accomplished nothing in life.

I'm done fighting, I want to end this misery called life. I'm too hyper aware, too existential..I can't fucking stop thinking all the time. Constant voices.
And yet here we are, responding to you, offering that connection.

I must admit that I find it hard to really assist you, considering you seem set on ending it. I can only plead with you and hope something more positive comes along. We will all still be here, ready to try and support you the best we can.


I can kinda relate to this. I've started getting out more and really try to improve as much as possible, but i don't think i am ever going to find people again that i want to hang out with. Hell, i don't even know how to find those people. I was already an outsider in school and didn't fit in with my "friends". This just got worse over the years. I can't imagine taking someone home and honestly cant even remember the last time i did.

There was this thread about someone dating a person with anxiety and depression a while ago and it got me thinking if i'll ever be able to have a (happy) relationship, a friendship is already impossible to find. But granted it would be difficult for me even without my problems.
Man, making friends is tough. But you know sometimes friends are a pain, like you want to do something but it's always on their terms or they cancel at the last minute. Building those kinds of bonds is much harder later on I find, and maintaining them takes a lot of effort and energy.
Relationships are hard, and it's even harder when you want that companionship and you still have this stuff to deal with.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,651
I found out last week I've been under surveillance for the last year and have been sent the footage. Oh boy has this send me on a downward spiral! I haven't opened the curtains or left the house since. I'm meant to comment on the footage but can't bring myself to watch it. My partner has seen it and said it's mostly mundane but still, I feel quite violated.

When I found out, I did try hang myself and nearly succeeded but passed out and woke up with a nice cut on my face.

Just scared I may never be able to be outside again. While it's unlikely I'm still being watched, it's possible.

I don't want to post the reason for the surveillance publicly but do want to stress it's not for anything criminal.
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you Vintage. That is a horrifying thing to go through and I sincerely hope that they stop monitoring you. Would you be willing to tell us if you are still having feelings of self-harm or of taking your own life?


Im struggling today. I havent had an off day in one month, havent worked less than 12 hours in one month, and I am still behind on work. Im an anxious wreck tbh, and Im making mistakes at work now.

i have one week to finish an insane amount of work I fell behind on and there arent enough hours in the day. Stressed, anxious, and feeling down on my work performance in general.
Would it be at all possible for you to take a day or two off to recharge or to find someone else who can help you with the work? Or even talk to whoever this work is for and ask for an extension? Working that many hours every single day for a month is incredibly unhealthy, and could be doing more than just causing you make mistakes at work.
 
Dec 28, 2018
902
Still haven’t made much progress on the whole car/job thing. But I have started to help around the house more after my last post here and also recently started up a little garden. It isn’t much but it has made me feel a bit better about myself.
 

thepotatoman

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,350
Denver
It's frustrating how underemployed I am because of my mental health doesn't fit well into the job market. I'm a very good software developer, but a bit autistic and very anxious.

I've found through experience the only way I can manage in the long term is working about 5 hours a day/3 days a week, and to not to work from home. I'm doing that for a below the poverty line income job that doesn't take very much advantage of my skills, and am the happiest I've ever been just through accepting my limitations and adjusting my life it.

It's just frustrating because I think I'm pretty smart, and my skills as a software developer is so high, and my expectations for money is so low, that any company would make out like a bandit hiring me. I bet I'd outperform most other 40 hour software developers just with 15. I've impressed my employers when I had a $45k salary + benefits working 10 hours a week pretending to work 40, but the forms of communication and the self motivation that comes from working from home doesn't work for me long term. It doesn't seem right that in order to do that at an office I have to be on medicaid and food stamps. Medicaid has been better than any insurance plan i've been on, but I just shouldn't need their help.

It's just very hard to get a chance to prove that. I'm fucking terrible at interviews, and my resume would be very impressive if it didn't look like I was fired for incompetence after three months a dozen's time over when I left all of them for mental health issues before realizing what would work for me. I'd be golden if they ever get to calling my references, but I don't think it ever gets to that stage. Job searches are also hard enough in general.

The vocational rehab people who eventually landed me my current job after a couple failed interviews and a lot of no responses for software development jobs wanted to wait until after the first interview to bring my problems up and negotiate accommodations, but after writing this, I wonder if I should basically just put what I just said on my cover letter.
 
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Oct 27, 2017
267
Can anyone help you with your workload? I get very overrun in my HR role but luckily I have some great colleagues where we can bounce off each other for ideas, work etc.
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you Vintage. That is a horrifying thing to go through and I sincerely hope that they stop monitoring you. Would you be willing to tell us if you are still having feelings of self-harm or of taking your own life?




Would it be at all possible for you to take a day or two off to recharge or to find someone else who can help you with the work? Or even talk to whoever this work is for and ask for an extension? Working that many hours every single day for a month is incredibly unhealthy, and could be doing more than just causing you make mistakes at work.

Im relatively new at this job and sent out alone without any live backup, just phone a friend help. Im on the final week before i get days off, and the math just doesnt work out for me finishing. I put too much pressure on myself on this job and couldn’t possibly work more hours, just more quality hours I guess. Too much time spent fumbling around trying to figure stuff out. Ill do my best and just accept it as a learning experience. Im taking a break tonight and just going to play some video games.
 
Oct 28, 2017
873
I've been in a less than great place for a number of weeks and I don't even know where to begin, so this is gonna be long and stream of consciousness. I'll put it in a spoiler tag so I don't take up too much space. Maybe just ranting about it and getting it all out there will help.

I feel like I've been living in a complete haze for the past two to three weeks. I work full time retail despite having a bachelor's and have had absolutely no luck getting hired anywhere worth a damn. I spend eight hours a day on complete autopilot, talking to customers and coworkers with your basic smalltalk stuff while my mind is elsewhere completely. I'll finish out a day and get home, and upon getting there I'll realize I don't remember a single thing that happened that day. Not one interaction, not one particular event, nothing. It takes up so much of my time and I'm so detached from it that it feels like days and days of my life are being thrown away with nothing a pretty pitiful paycheck to show for it.

Things aren't much better outside of work. I still live at home due to the job situation and I feel like a stranger there as well. My parents are your typical Christian-Fox News conservatives with basic American family values (to an extreme extent, even opposing things like premarital sex) and I honestly don't share a single one of those beliefs. I've never been open with them about being either an atheist or a socialist and I feel like I'd be kicked out in an instant if I opened up, so I just sit in my own room and piss the time away until I return to my thankless job. Doesn't help that it's painfully obvious that my older brother, who has a job, a wife, a house and has already brought them their first grandchild, is the favorite son while I've always been a textbook black sheep. They do "family events" that I'm often completely absent from.

This has led to me feeling like I'm three "different people." There's my work persona, which is a facade of cheap smiles and customer service jargon. There's my home persona, which is a highly suppressed and censored version of myself that I maintain so I don't lose whatever ties I have left to my family. And there's the real me, the one that has my own tastes, beliefs, sense of humor and personality, and it feels like this real me is slowly being digested by whatever toxic bullshit is coming out of the other two personas as they take up all of my time out of necessity.

This has all taken a serious toll on my mental health in several obvious ways. On my days off, I'll stay in bed until noon and just sit on my couch watching YouTube videos and scrolling through the same three websites ad nauseum until I go back to bed at night. I'll take a shower, but when I do that I just sit in it for an hour or so and dwell on my negative thought and feelings. Even other activities that I used to love like gaming feel like a chore and I can't focus on them even when I do try. My body often feels physically heavy and it's difficult to move. I'll go days where I eat virtually nothing and feel like I'm going to vomit when I try to eat anything, and other days I completely gorge myself on unhealthy crap. I sustain myself with energy drinks at work and it leads to me visibly shaking, much to the concern of my coworkers.

It doesn't help that most of my friendships and relationships have been eroding away over time as well. One of my closest friends had to move away to get away from an abusive family situation, another had to move out of state due to money issues forcing him to move back home, and another had a full blown mental breakdown and had to move back in with his family for safety reasons. These were the people I felt like I could be the most open with and they're all long gone. We still stay in touch via social media but in terms of interpersonal interaction, I'm extremely isolated. Dating is even worse - I haven't gotten laid since finishing college and apps like Tinder serve little purpose other than tearing down my self esteem. The one bright spot is a coworker who took an active interest in my well being when I was visibly depressed at work. She's taken me out for coffee on a couple of occasions and we talked out my issues for hours on end each time. I'm extremely thankful for her as she's the only one who has seemingly given a shit in this pretty dark time - But even then I've convinced myself she's only doing this out of pity, that I'm a burden on her and that she doesn't really like me at all. I know it's irrational (we've been friends since she started there and we've done things like go to concerts together) but it's a feeling I can't shake.

The destructive behaviors have recently hit a boiling point. I've taken to drinking by myself and have even fallen into patterns of self harm. My torso is currently covered in scratches from a hunting knife that I dragged across my skin as I laid in bed and watched TV nonchalantly. I have cuts on the back of my hand that my coworkers asked about and I just said it was due to a mishap with some yardwork equipment. I don't think I'm on the verge of killing myself but I've had long daydreams of what it would be like, what I would do and how it would impact the lives of everyone I know.

I'd love to get some mental help but my work's insurance is so garbage I don't think I could get anything particularly helpful. I was on SSRI's until last year when I aged out of my parent's insurance. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do.
 
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Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I've been in a less than great place for a number of weeks and I don't even know where to begin, so this is gonna be long and stream of consciousness. I'll put it in a spoiler tag so I don't take up too much space. Maybe just ranting about it and getting it all out there will help.

I feel like I've been living in a complete haze for the past two to three weeks. I work full time retail despite having a bachelor's and have had absolutely no luck getting hired anywhere worth a damn. I spend eight hours a day on complete autopilot, talking to customers and coworkers with your basic smalltalk stuff while my mind is elsewhere completely. I'll finish out a day and get home, and upon getting there I'll realize I don't remember a single thing that happened that day. Not one interaction, not one particular event, nothing. It takes up so much of my time and I'm so detached from it that it feels like days and days of my life are being thrown away with nothing a pretty pitiful paycheck to show for it.

Things aren't much better outside of work. I still live at home due to the job situation and I feel like a stranger there as well. My parents are your typical Christian-Fox News conservatives with basic American family values (to an extreme extent, even opposing things like premarital sex) and I honestly don't share a single one of those beliefs. I've never been open with them about being either an atheist or a socialist and I feel like I'd be kicked out in an instant if I opened up, so I just sit in my own room and piss the time away until I return to my thankless job. Doesn't help that it's painfully obvious that my older brother, who has a job, a wife, a house and has already brought them their first grandchild, is the favorite son while I've always been a textbook black sheep. They do "family events" that I'm often completely absent from.

This has led to me feeling like I'm three "different people." There's my work persona, which is a facade of cheap smiles and customer service jargon. There's my home persona, which is a highly suppressed and censored version of myself that I maintain so I don't lose whatever ties I have left to my family. And there's the real me, the one that has my own tastes, beliefs, sense of humor and personality, and it feels like this real me is slowly being digested by whatever toxic bullshit is coming out of the other two personas as they take up all of my time out of necessity.

This has all taken a serious toll on my mental health in several obvious ways. On my days off, I'll stay in bed until noon and just sit on my couch watching YouTube videos and scrolling through the same three websites ad nauseum until I go back to bed at night. I'll take a shower, but when I do that I just sit in it for an hour or so and dwell on my negative thought and feelings. Even other activities that I used to love like gaming feel like a chore and I can't focus on them even when I do try. My body often feels physically heavy and it's difficult to move. I'll go days where I eat virtually nothing and feel like I'm going to vomit when I try to eat anything, and other days I completely gorge myself on unhealthy crap. I sustain myself with energy drinks at work and it leads to me visibly shaking, much to the concern of my coworkers.

It doesn't help that most of my friendships and relationships have been eroding away over time as well. One of my closest friends had to move away to get away from an abusive family situation, another had to move out of state due to money issues forcing him to move back home, and another had a full blown mental breakdown and had to move back in with his family for safety reasons. These were the people I felt like I could be the most open with and they're all long gone. We still stay in touch via social media but in terms of interpersonal interaction, I'm extremely isolated. Dating is even worse - I haven't gotten laid since finishing college and apps like Tinder serve little purpose other than tearing down my self esteem. The one bright spot is a coworker who took an active interest in my well being when I was visibly depressed at work. She's taken me out for coffee on a couple of occasions and we talked out my issues for hours on end each time. I'm extremely thankful for her as she's the only one who has seemingly given a shit in this pretty dark time - But even then I've convinced myself she's only doing this out of pity, that I'm a burden on her and that she doesn't really like me at all. I know it's irrational (we've been friends since she started there and we've done things like go to concerts together) but it's a feeling I can't shake.

The destructive behaviors have recently hit a boiling point. I've taken to drinking by myself and have even fallen into patterns of self harm. My torso is currently covered in scratches from a hunting knife that I dragged across my skin as I laid in bed and watched TV nonchalantly. I have cuts on the back of my hand that my coworkers asked about and I just said it was due to a mishap with some yardwork equipment. I don't think I'm on the verge of killing myself but I've had long daydreams of what it would be like, what I would do and how it would impact the lives of everyone I know.

I'd love to get some mental help but my work's insurance is so garbage I don't think I could get anything particularly helpful. I was on SSRI's until last year when I aged out of my parent's insurance. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do.
That all sounds too familiar.

The three persona's, on the surface it's quite normal to be different at work compared to home. Out of my own experience it takes a lot of energy to keep up this act, it's also terrifying that you are somewhat losing sight of who you are due to these other personas.

I suppose it's a little more concerning that you cannot be yourself around family. Having friends move away seems like an unfortunate hardship to go through.
This co-worker might have the ability to let you vent, I know that you'll feel like a burden but you might feel better if the two of you try to blow of steam together.

Pissing away the time, not being particularly motivated, eating poorly all seem like textbook depression symptoms.

I would still urge you to try and get help, however poorly it may be. You might have someone who will already help you get out some of the frustration.
 

Terraj_RSL

Member
Feb 8, 2018
492
Fuck my life, I wish I was dead.😞

I'm 33 years old and I've been suffering from major depression since I was only 13 y/o (20 years!), I've never gone a day, minute or second where I've ever not been depressed. On top of that I've also been diagnosed & struggle with social / generalized anxiety along with panic (attack) disorder.

My depression & anxiety stems from a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive childhood, which continues to affect me even as an adult. But the worst part is that I have no family, friend or loved ones for support, so I'm suffering all alone.

For the past 5+ years, I've been seeing a psychologist / cognitive behavior therapist (CBT) and tried 15+ different medications, but nothing has helped/worked and my depression & anxiety continue to get worst.

I have no plans or means to kill myself, but I do have frequent death ideations. Basically, the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that someday I'm going to die, although it would've been better if I was never born or existed in the first place.
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,363
Germany
Man, making friends is tough. But you know sometimes friends are a pain, like you want to do something but it's always on their terms or they cancel at the last minute. Building those kinds of bonds is much harder later on I find, and maintaining them takes a lot of effort and energy.
Relationships are hard, and it's even harder when you want that companionship and you still have this stuff to deal with.
At some point i became the guy who cancelled everytime... probably the reason why they are all gone now. It probably doesn't help that i don't drink at all, seems like something a lot of younger people do to socialize.

Making friends used to be so easy... ya would just walk up to some kid ask if they played Yugioh cards or whatever and you're friends for the next 8 years. Now? No clue what to even do. Probably a waste of time to think about that kind of stuff, not gonna have any friends outside of the internet unless i suddenly become a different person.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
At some point i became the guy who cancelled everytime... probably the reason why they are all gone now. It probably doesn't help that i don't drink at all, seems like something a lot of younger people do to socialize.

Making friends used to be so easy... ya would just walk up to some kid ask if they played Yugioh cards or whatever and you're friends for the next 8 years. Now? No clue what to even do. Probably a waste of time to think about that kind of stuff, not gonna have any friends outside of the internet unless i suddenly become a different person.
Drinking is not required to socialize, but I agree that it's a huge part of the 'going out' thing.

I have no clue what to do to make friends either, but people usually seem to like me fine. Honestly I'm okay having only a few people around me.

I have a friend who always ended up declining, we are still friends but everything is on his terms. Hanging out means I go to him, never the other way around. It's shit, and he's made some recent missteps that have awakened some frustration in me.

Nowadays, I'd say talk about something popular, like Game of Thrones or movies etc. I still try, and I've found it very easy to bond over work or something. I've got a friend from a previous gig and we still talk about work there and the future.

I'm trying to work on being more social, but my current state of mind always leads me to think I'm a storm cloud. It's possible to change but it takes a lot out of you.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
And yet here we are, responding to you, offering that connection.

I must admit that I find it hard to really assist you, considering you seem set on ending it. I can only plead with you and hope something more positive comes along. We will all still be here, ready to try and support you the best we can.
Thanks but nothing positive will just come a long. My whole life has been a constant negative. I'm 30 now.
I know it's hard to assist me, I'm sorry, everyone tells me it sucks to be around me or they just leave. They call me passive aggressive, an asshole. I get it.
I guess I'm just constantly angry...grieving..
They look at me weird, avoid me.
I'm constantly angry, sad, or at other extreme.

I've lost everything I cared about,
my family (disappearing or dying)
my job (no one will hire me,I have only cashier experience, being taken advantge of wage wise)
my friends (the only two I had)

The only person in my life who hasn't left is my girlfriend and we don't connect like we used to anymore.

I'm useless.

I tried, I can't even begin to explain...I tried so hard but the darkness, constant voices, they weigh me down and win.
 
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BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
It definitely sounds like you're going through a tough time. I've got no advice really, but whatever voices are telling you that you're useless, that there's no hope for you - they're wrong. That doesn't mean you have to fight them, because they don't fight fair. Just know that they're wrong. My experience is to this day I have to tell myself over and over again that I am worthwhile, I am loved, I matter, all that corny affirmation shit, because it's one of the most effective ways of countering that darkness.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,200
Sometimes talking to yourself and giving yourself affirmations isn’t enough though. You have to actively DO something which is super fucking hard when you feel so, so low. It’s hard but you have to do it. Do something that makes you happy. If it doesn’t make you happy anymore, find out why that is and change it. Or do something else. You gotta keep challenging your thoughts with both words and actions, as hard as it is. Your new actions will make your new thoughts more and more real. It’s a life or constant struggle because you’ll always have those bad days but those bad days don’t erase the good. Even if you have just one good day in the week, you gotta cherish that day and think about what it was that made it good and replicate that.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
I don't know what's enough! Man, when I was in that place, I tried so many things, and none of them were "enough", and it felt like nothing would ever be enough. That's why I have no real advice for anybody who's in a really bad place - when I was in that place, lots of people had advice for me, and they meant well, sure, but a lot of times it did make me feel worse, because my brain would scream at me "BUT I CAN'T!" or "BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK!" I try to limit myself to, sometimes, when people's depression goads them into saying something that's empirically incorrect, like that they're useless, hopeless, whatever, noting that what the depression is telling them isn't correct, as more of a gentle reminder.
 

Alzarius23

Member
Oct 30, 2017
358
Thanks but nothing positive will just come a long. My whole life has been a constant negative. I'm 30 now.
I know it's hard to assist me, I'm sorry, everyone tells me it sucks to be around me or they just leave. They call me passive aggressive, an asshole. I get it.
I guess I'm just constantly angry...grieving..
They look at me weird, avoid me.
I'm constantly angry, sad, or at other extreme.

I've lost everything I cared about,
my family (disappearing or dying)
my job (no one will hire me,I have only cashier experience, being taken advantge of wage wise)
my friends (the only two I had)

The only person in my life who hasn't left is my girlfriend and we don't connect like we used to anymore.

I'm useless.

I tried, I can't even begin to explain...I tried so hard but the darkness, constant voices, they weigh me down and win.
Something I have experience myself is that when you are depressed you often underestimate yourself. I struggle a lot with my self confidence and I have to remind myself that I'm not really as useless as I think.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,200
I don't know what's enough! Man, when I was in that place, I tried so many things, and none of them were "enough", and it felt like nothing would ever be enough. That's why I have no real advice for anybody who's in a really bad place - when I was in that place, lots of people had advice for me, and they meant well, sure, but a lot of times it did make me feel worse, because my brain would scream at me "BUT I CAN'T!" or "BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK!" I try to limit myself to, sometimes, when people's depression goads them into saying something that's empirically incorrect, like that they're useless, hopeless, whatever, noting that what the depression is telling them isn't correct, as more of a gentle reminder.
Which is super important too, yeah. I don’t think you’re ever thinking rationally when depressed. You just have these thoughts telling you all this awful shit about yourself without evidence to the contrary. It sucks and it’s the reason someone would think “but I can’t” even though they probably can. I think there’s always a way.
 

jb1234

Member
Oct 25, 2017
2,915
It's frustrating how underemployed I am because of my mental health doesn't fit well into the job market. I'm a very good software developer, but a bit autistic and very anxious.

I've found through experience the only way I can manage in the long term is working about 5 hours a day/3 days a week, and to not to work from home. I'm doing that for a below the poverty line income job that doesn't take very much advantage of my skills, and am the happiest I've ever been just through accepting my limitations and adjusting my life it.

It's just frustrating because I think I'm pretty smart, and my skills as a software developer is so high, and my expectations for money is so low, that any company would make out like a bandit hiring me. I bet I'd outperform most other 40 hour software developers just with 15. I've impressed my employers when I had a $45k salary + benefits working 10 hours a week pretending to work 40, but the forms of communication and the self motivation that comes from working from home doesn't work for me long term. It doesn't seem right that in order to do that at an office I have to be on medicaid and food stamps. Medicaid has been better than any insurance plan i've been on, but I just shouldn't need their help.

It's just very hard to get a chance to prove that. I'm fucking terrible at interviews, and my resume would be very impressive if it didn't look like I was fired for incompetence after three months a dozen's time over when I left all of them for mental health issues before realizing what would work for me. I'd be golden if they ever get to calling my references, but I don't think it ever gets to that stage. Job searches are also hard enough in general.

The vocational rehab people who eventually landed me my current job after a couple failed interviews and a lot of no responses for software development jobs wanted to wait until after the first interview to bring my problems up and negotiate accommodations, but after writing this, I wonder if I should basically just put what I just said on my cover letter.
Yeah, I have Aspergers and have struggled a great deal with trying to find a work schedule that doesn't completely overwhelm me, especially since my field (musician) requires a lot of flexibility and interaction with people.
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,363
Germany
Nowadays, I'd say talk about something popular, like Game of Thrones or movies etc. I still try, and I've found it very easy to bond over work or something. I've got a friend from a previous gig and we still talk about work there and the future.
But... what if you're not into the "popular" mainstream things? I'm a nerd x10, an outsider who even in a group of other gamers and co. stands out as a fucking weirdo. I can't talk about stuff like what's on the charts, the newest movie everyone watched or something like GoT. This is the case with everything i'm into and i only find people to talk with about these things on the internet. It has always been like that. I can't change it. That's who i am. At least i don't get shit for it anymore like i did in school..
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Thanks but nothing positive will just come a long. My whole life has been a constant negative. I'm 30 now.
I know it's hard to assist me, I'm sorry, everyone tells me it sucks to be around me or they just leave. They call me passive aggressive, an asshole. I get it.
I guess I'm just constantly angry...grieving..
They look at me weird, avoid me.
I'm constantly angry, sad, or at other extreme.

I've lost everything I cared about,
my family (disappearing or dying)
my job (no one will hire me,I have only cashier experience, being taken advantge of wage wise)
my friends (the only two I had)

The only person in my life who hasn't left is my girlfriend and we don't connect like we used to anymore.

I'm useless.

I tried, I can't even begin to explain...I tried so hard but the darkness, constant voices, they weigh me down and win.
I think it's a completely different story.
You aren't chasing me or anyone here away. You think that maybe you are chasing people away because you're afraid you might ruin a potential friendship or something?
Cause it seems to me like you are sabotaging every chance at making friends, and maybe even the relationship you have with your girlfriend.
So you haven't lost her, and I think you should reconsider the fact that you said you lost everything you cared about.. honestly it bothers me a bit that you dismiss something you have just like that. Recognize that you have something that others here, myself included, are still hoping to have.

I really think you should have a good talk with her about this, ask her how she perceives you. How her friends perceive you.
It might offer you insight.


But... what if you're not into the "popular" mainstream things? I'm a nerd x10, an outsider who even in a group of other gamers and co. stands out as a fucking weirdo. I can't talk about stuff like what's on the charts, the newest movie everyone watched or something like GoT. This is the case with everything i'm into and i only find people to talk with about these things on the internet. It has always been like that. I can't change it. That's who i am. At least i don't get shit for it anymore like i did in school..
But... but.. everyone likes music!
I mean I don't care much for the popular stuff. I don't think you should worry about it too much.
There's a lot of stuff you probably love that others might not have heard of, but they might still like it if you introduce it.
 

bawjaws

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,029
I think it's a completely different story.
You aren't chasing me or anyone here away. You think that maybe you are chasing people away because you're afraid you might ruin a potential friendship or something?
Cause it seems to me like you are sabotaging every chance at making friends, and maybe even the relationship you have with your girlfriend.
So you haven't lost her, and I think you should reconsider the fact that you said you lost everything you cared about.. honestly it bothers me a bit that you dismiss something you have just like that. Recognize that you have something that others here, myself included, are still hoping to have.

I really think you should have a good talk with her about this, ask her how she perceives you. How her friends perceive you.
It might offer you insight.
This is solid advice, so please take it on board, stan_marsh . And remember that just because you believe something doesn't mean it is fact. What would you say to someone else if they were in your position? If you'd treat them differently from how you treat yourself, why is that?
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
But... but.. everyone likes music!
I mean I don't care much for the popular stuff. I don't think you should worry about it too much.
There's a lot of stuff you probably love that others might not have heard of, but they might still like it if you introduce it.
Ah, you know, that's not my experience. Even if I'm not on one of my periodic rants about how Yoko Ono was an underappreciated genius, which I can tell you people really do not want to hear, the idea that I can walk up to somebody and have a conversation about how brilliant the new Octo Octa record is... at best I'm going to get bemused tolerance. I mean, seriously, I can't even talk about music here, forget about talking about it to the people I work with!

My advice, delSai, is that not all conversations have to be deep and profound. I'm not saying you should relish conversations about the weather or $LOCAL_SPORTS_TEAM, but I've been working on really learning to listen to other people. Because most conversations, in my experience, are just people talking at each other and nodding and saying "uh-huh" when the other person talks, waiting until they get a chance to talk again. If you don't just tolerate the other person talking about what matters to them, but actively listen and engage with them, they'll be ecstatic and you'll learn something.

And if you want to talk about the nerd stuff and it's too obscure for anybody you know in person, yeah, you'll have to save that for the message boards.
 

Mr.F

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,480
I'm having a hard time perpetually yo-yoing between extreme downs and at best feeling 'neutral.' I have absolutely no drive in my work or personal life, can't even feign interest in social situations or being with friends, feel no sense of self worth or preservation. I feel extremely guilty when my parents make an effort to connect with me because I can't even pretend well enough to return their enthusiasm.

I don't know. I feel like I hardly recognize myself anymore and I'm disassociating enough that I feel like I'm kind of sitting in the backseat of my own auto-piloted life.

I've begun the process of weaning off medication with my doctor's supervision, but I'm nervous that even lower lows await me after getting off it. But on the other hand I'm so frustrated with my situation that I feel it's the only variable I have any control over right now and that my absent-minded braindead feelings are the fault of the SSRI.

I just want to dispose of myself.
 

thepotatoman

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,350
Denver
Everyone here is so strong.
World will be better without my weak self.

I finally have a plan to end myself. Should be fool proof. Even for the biggest fool, me.

As said before I will end it all once I lose the apt.
I've been thinking about this post, and I'm not sure suicide is a weak thing. It's not an admirable thing. It's not something anyone's going to be proud of or happy about. But I think maybe that gets falsely conflated with weakness.

Death is fucking scary. It takes a lot to plot a path to go face to face with it. Even if you want to get off the path your life has taken so far, I am absolutely certain there's an easier path to jump to than death.
 
Oct 28, 2017
873
I've been thinking about this post, and I'm not sure suicide is a weak thing. It's not an admirable thing. It's not something anyone's going to be proud of or happy about. But I think maybe that gets falsely conflated with weakness.

Death is fucking scary. It takes a lot to plot a path to go face to face with it. Even if you want to get off the path your life has taken so far, I am absolutely certain there's an easier path to jump to than death.
Yet at the same time, you hear the same thing from most people who survive suicide attempts

They're so certain until they make the jump or swallow the pill, and the second they do it they're filled with fear and regret. It's one of the only things keeping me away from it.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
OK so we're already talking about it, but just to put it out there, triggers all over this thing for suicide.

I lost a friend of mine to suicide. Honestly he was one of the strongest people I knew. The language people typically use about people who die from it, I don't know, it's not how I think of him. The fact that he died from suicide doesn't make him any "weaker", it doesn't mean the battle he fought for decades didn't count or that it was for nothing.

Strong? Every day you wake up with this thing inside you trying to kill you, and you've made it through the day before, you're strong.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
Interesting question. Before I address it, if anybody is reading this and feels like they might be at risk for suicide, please bear in mind that suicidality is, to some extent, a social behavior, and I'd encourage you to do anything you feel like you need to stay safe, even if it means taking a break from this thread. Sorry if that makes me sound like a thread cop.

I have learned a lot over the past couple years about framing. It's something I work on a lot. My experience is that asking questions in a certain way can suggest certain answers. Some of the particular problems I've noticed with depression are overgeneralizing and all-or-nothing thinking.

Which is to say that "Is suicide ever the answer?" strikes me as a pretty loaded question, and that there may be other questions you could ask that might be more helpful in dealing with whatever problems you may have.
 

Orbit

Member
Nov 21, 2018
1,030
I started working at the airport dealing with passengers. Issuing tickets and dealing with angry people about their canceled and delayed flights. It's been 2 weeks and It's messing me up, the amount of rude people I meet everyday acting if I was the one who delayed or canceled their flight is ridiculous. I have 2 days off now, and all I can think of is the people I will meet after my 2 days off. My anxiety is killing me and want to quit but the pay is nice and quite frankly I need that money. I can't seem to adjust and even when I'm home where I'm supposed to relax I just can't help but feel anxious. :/
I can COMPLETELY relate. I just finished up my degree; it took two fieldwork/clinicals 12 weeks each (dealing with patients and stuff) to complete, and I never once felt completely comfortable/anxiety free with both. I now applied for a job after graduating and i feel so depressed with the fact i never felt comfortable/anxiety free in either place. just the idea of meeting patients/dealing with people and feeling like i will never feel completely comfortable just depresses me. like you, the pay is good and i enjoy the work at points, but i truly wish i could take my brain out of my head, give it electric convulsive therapy, put it back in, and just not care anymore.

edit: does anyone have any tips that helped them alleviate the same issues?
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
Please anyone thinking about suicide call a hotline or talk it out. You'll never have another meal, you'll never hear another song, you'll never have have another moment of joy, and you'll never have a chance to be okay. Whose ever reading this you would be a great loss.
 
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Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Anyone of you ever feel like writing this entire confession and after throwing out a dozen drafts, spending hours emotionally typing away, that whatever you write will never go out?

Trying to tell someone you care about every facet of who you are is scary. I can never find the right words, or the proper way without sounding needy, pathetic or weird.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
Anyone of you ever feel like writing this entire confession and after throwing out a dozen drafts, spending hours emotionally typing away, that whatever you write will never go out?

Trying to tell someone you care about every facet of who you are is scary. I can never find the right words, or the proper way without sounding needy, pathetic or weird.
It takes alot of practice and trust. Even if you spend hours crafting and thinking of every possible way to communicate something to prevent miscommunication it ends up becoming worse. It's kind of similar to a writers block in that way.

Ultimately I'm sure Im going to sound awful but after failing before I'm just trying to be as honest as I can be and that's generally steered me right. Once it's out there it's done, you've ripped the bandaid off and whatever the situation is out and can be resolved or understood.

I'm also a hypocrite, used to be whenever I typed that kind of thing it would be pages and pages long of pure garbage. It was a nightmare to read and generally made things worse. The power of the send button is no matter how you do it you wish you altered it
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
It takes alot of practice and trust. Even if you spend hours crafting and thinking of every possible way to communicate something to prevent miscommunication it ends up becoming worse. It's kind of similar to a writers block in that way.

Ultimately I'm sure Im going to sound awful but after failing before I'm just trying to be as honest as I can be and that's generally steered me right. Once it's out there it's done, you've ripped the bandaid off and whatever the situation is out and can be resolved or understood.

I'm also a hypocrite, used to be whenever I typed that kind of thing it would be pages and pages long of pure garbage. It was a nightmare to read and generally made things worse. The power of the send button is no matter how you do it you wish you altered it
It's not so much about miscommunication as it is about fear I suppose. Being rejected, not being accepted when you finally want to show your true colours.
I have gone through so many drafts I ended up dumping all of them, now there's just the text where I state that I hoped I'd be ready for this but I'm just not.

I frequently find myself informing a few people of anything that goes on, upcoming visits to the specialist. But the more I try to open up the more of an emotional wreck I become. Last week I wanted to respond to someone but I couldn't, not until I was home where I at least had a slight sense of comfort and safety. I have however chosen to exclude someone who means more to me than the others, merely because of issues she was facing. I've found myself having trouble talking to her face-to-face, which I still prefer. But I don't think I'll have a chance anytime soon.

I suppose sooner or later I'll honestly say "Fuck it" and hit send. Mostly because I cannot stand the idea of not being honest with someone, I feel like I owe her that much.
 

Spinluck

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
6,058
Florida
Anyone of you ever feel like writing this entire confession and after throwing out a dozen drafts, spending hours emotionally typing away, that whatever you write will never go out?

Trying to tell someone you care about every facet of who you are is scary. I can never find the right words, or the proper way without sounding needy, pathetic or weird.
The world would be a much better place of we chose love over fear. It's ok to feel this way but many societies breed apathy within their people. Walls keep us safe and I think it's normal to question whether or not we should let people see how big our hearts are.

I am a corny guy. I write love letters to women who have hurt me and never show them. I instead burn them for closure. And decide to move forward without resentment or fear. It's not realistic to say I don't wallow or worry... Which all comes with its fair share of negative rumination. But I grow and as I move forward learn what to keep for me and what to give for others.

Find ways to be abundant in your love for yourself and others. You will be better for it and it will take care of you like nothing else will.
 

Yagyujubei

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,125
in hell
Want to vent a little. I was with a friend and his friend and they started talking about relationships and soulmates. Me having never been in a relationship felt pretty depressed afterwards. I’m tired of people saying I will meet someone one day. At this point in life I know no one wants to live with my flaws and ugly face and body. Sad I’m not able to find the courage to end my life.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
Anyone of you ever feel like writing this entire confession and after throwing out a dozen drafts, spending hours emotionally typing away, that whatever you write will never go out?
It's OK. You don't have to give everything away all at once. It takes time. The value of typing that stuff up for me is that I understand myself better after doing it, and that makes it worth doing.