Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
The world would be a much better place of we chose love over fear. It's ok to feel this way but many societies breed apathy within their people. Walls keep us safe and I think it's normal to question whether or not we should let people see how big our hearts are.

I am a corny guy. I write love letters to women who have hurt me and never show them. I instead burn them for closure. And decide to move forward without resentment or fear. It's not realistic to say I don't wallow or worry... Which all comes with its fair share of negative rumination. But I grow and as I move forward learn what to keep for me and what to give for others.

Find ways to be abundant in your love for yourself and others. You will be better for it and it will take care of you like nothing else will.
That last bit doesn't apply, I kick myself when I'm down constantly. It's of course a problem when I do it and already feel low.

A self esteem issue really, something that I'm bound to deal with in my process.

The entire writing process makes me feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable.
 

smellyjelly

Avenger
Aug 2, 2018
637
This is gonna sound really dumb and I hope this is the right place to ask.

I'd noticed feeling generally shitty for a while, but it was especially pronounced after exercise. I workout regularly and I feel great on occasion for a few hours and then get incredibly emotional and sad and it usually lasts a few days but sometimes its lasted weeks. I always figured it was some weird endorphin issue but then I started wondering if I'm just generally depressed and exercise just giving me a brief reprieve was enough of a change to notice when it came back.

I spoke to my doctor about this and he recommended a therapist and I have yet to schedule an appointment.

Without going into too much personal history, depression and bipolar issues run in my family and my mom ended up killing herself during a manic episode. She was always on medication and the instability that comes with finding proper medication and doses really scares me. Granted, she had an addiction to painkillers that certainly didn't help, but I'm scared of going down the same path with antidepressants but doing nothing is also not working.

Are there valid treatment options that don't involve medication? I'd really like to explore other treatment methods if I can.
 

thepotatoman

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,269
Denver
This is gonna sound really dumb and I hope this is the right place to ask.

I'd noticed feeling generally shitty for a while, but it was especially pronounced after exercise. I workout regularly and I feel great on occasion for a few hours and then get incredibly emotional and sad and it usually lasts a few days but sometimes its lasted weeks. I always figured it was some weird endorphin issue but then I started wondering if I'm just generally depressed and exercise just giving me a brief reprieve was enough of a change to notice when it came back.

I spoke to my doctor about this and he recommended a therapist and I have yet to schedule an appointment.

Without going into too much personal history, depression and bipolar issues run in my family and my mom ended up killing herself during a manic episode. She was always on medication and the instability that comes with finding proper medication and doses really scares me. Granted, she had an addiction to painkillers that certainly didn't help, but I'm scared of going down the same path with antidepressants but doing nothing is also not working.

Are there valid treatment options that don't involve medication? I'd really like to explore other treatment methods if I can.
Not a dumb question at all, though I definitely won't pretend to know more than your doctor.

As far as I know, mindfulness training, yoga, meditation, and exercise is kinda the mental health cure all outside of medicine. I would also guess that just generally eating healthier is good, whatever that means. I hear a lot of good things about Omega 3 vitamins.

Personally, I happen to be on a diet which can be lacking in B12, and always feel better when I remember to take B12 supplements, but it sounds like it's not very beneficial if you don't have a shortage. I assume it's a similar case for other B and D vitamins, but I don't know.

Doesn't sound like you think you have bipolar disorder, but still might be worth noting that manic episodes are kinda particularly difficult to make better without in person specialized therapy of some sort, and/or medicine.
 

SpecX

The Fallen
Oct 30, 2017
696
Depressed as fuck right now. Haven't felt this down and shitty for awhile and it sucks badly.

Ex wife and I have been split up for nearly 2 years now and while we see each other a lot, we don't really talk. Bad break up with her not really giving me a chance and I've been using the time to heal. I felt happy once again and was ready to get out there and at least date or see what my options were.

Fast forward, some issues have been building up, kids are keeping secrets from me cause of her, and some other issues have been brewing. I bump into her Friday and see she has another guy she's with and with our kids. No big deal, she's dating and I introduced myself and carry on. She freaks out cause this is the secret she's been having the kids keep, but now it's exposed.

Finally today, she asks to have lunch, we get together and the emotional rollercoaster she puts me on. We resolve the kids issues without fighting, she's full of tears and relief I know her secret, yet there's more. She goes down memory lane between us and the good times, goes through what's great with this guy, then drops a bomb on me that she's pregnant with this guy's child and doesn't really know how to tell anyone.

I've expressed to her I'm happy for them, but I'm in pure shock. The guy seems good, but fuck this woman has moved on with her life and starts a new one when we were together for 10 years. It's not my issue, but fuck does it hurt. I feel I just started to get good and now I feel like she's reopened all wounds and created new ones. Part of me wished we could fix things eventually, but this pretty much closes that door for me

Why do broken hearts exist? Why does this type of pain hit so hard? I went to the bar and not even alcohol helped mask this pain. Sorry for this bullshit post, just need to get it out and stop holding back the tears.
 

bawjaws

Member
Oct 28, 2017
1,025
This is gonna sound really dumb and I hope this is the right place to ask.

I'd noticed feeling generally shitty for a while, but it was especially pronounced after exercise. I workout regularly and I feel great on occasion for a few hours and then get incredibly emotional and sad and it usually lasts a few days but sometimes its lasted weeks. I always figured it was some weird endorphin issue but then I started wondering if I'm just generally depressed and exercise just giving me a brief reprieve was enough of a change to notice when it came back.
Silly question, but are you eating enough after exercising? I find that if I exercise moderately hard and don't refuel sufficiently afterwards, my mood drops a couple of hours later and I feel really blue. It doesn't typically last as long as it seems to with you, so this might not be relevant, but I definitely find that eating well after exercise helps.

Are there valid treatment options that don't involve medication? I'd really like to explore other treatment methods if I can.
The short answer to this is "Yes, but it depends"... I can completely understand your reluctance to start medication, and depending on your situation you may find that other treatments are effective, but at the same time there are situations where medication can be the best solution, whether that's short term or longer term. If you're speaking to a doctor or therapist and they suggest medication then make sure that you let them know your concerns and ask if there are alternative options.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
Therapist and I are trying something new, I'm gonna try to give curiosity to my thoughts. So instead of being as bound to my emotions I'm going to try and look at things scientifically. "I think I should ruin my life, interesting response".

So I'm gonna give it a real shot, this weekend I was doing pretty good, yesterday I fell apart for a second but setbacks happen.

Edit:
Still in a kind of dark state of mind but it's just how it has to be sometimes. Trying to resist the urge to self sabotage
 
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Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,596
Depressed as fuck right now. Haven't felt this down and shitty for awhile and it sucks badly.

Ex wife and I have been split up for nearly 2 years now and while we see each other a lot, we don't really talk. Bad break up with her not really giving me a chance and I've been using the time to heal. I felt happy once again and was ready to get out there and at least date or see what my options were.

Fast forward, some issues have been building up, kids are keeping secrets from me cause of her, and some other issues have been brewing. I bump into her Friday and see she has another guy she's with and with our kids. No big deal, she's dating and I introduced myself and carry on. She freaks out cause this is the secret she's been having the kids keep, but now it's exposed.

Finally today, she asks to have lunch, we get together and the emotional rollercoaster she puts me on. We resolve the kids issues without fighting, she's full of tears and relief I know her secret, yet there's more. She goes down memory lane between us and the good times, goes through what's great with this guy, then drops a bomb on me that she's pregnant with this guy's child and doesn't really know how to tell anyone.

I've expressed to her I'm happy for them, but I'm in pure shock. The guy seems good, but fuck this woman has moved on with her life and starts a new one when we were together for 10 years. It's not my issue, but fuck does it hurt. I feel I just started to get good and now I feel like she's reopened all wounds and created new ones. Part of me wished we could fix things eventually, but this pretty much closes that door for me

Why do broken hearts exist? Why does this type of pain hit so hard? I went to the bar and not even alcohol helped mask this pain. Sorry for this bullshit post, just need to get it out and stop holding back the tears.
It's okay Spec, it makes perfect sense to be upset at seeing something like that. You were with your wife for 10 years, and even if the break up was bad, it can be really easy to look back on those moments and remember the good times and miss it quite a bit. It's also completely normal to have that thought in the back of your mind that the two of you might get back together, but you can absolutely bounce back from this. It is going to hurt for a bit while you tackle all of those feelings, but we are here for you any time that you need to vent. I would really recommend that you focus on self-care for a little while, making sure you stay on top of hygiene and try reaching out to some friends to see if they want to hang out.
 

SpecX

The Fallen
Oct 30, 2017
696
It's okay Spec, it makes perfect sense to be upset at seeing something like that. You were with your wife for 10 years, and even if the break up was bad, it can be really easy to look back on those moments and remember the good times and miss it quite a bit. It's also completely normal to have that thought in the back of your mind that the two of you might get back together, but you can absolutely bounce back from this. It is going to hurt for a bit while you tackle all of those feelings, but we are here for you any time that you need to vent. I would really recommend that you focus on self-care for a little while, making sure you stay on top of hygiene and try reaching out to some friends to see if they want to hang out.
Thanks, it felt good to put this up and let some of the emotions flow out vs keeping them bottled up. Have a good friend who's been there the entire divorce and he helps me forget this stuff.

The holiday threw off my routine, but got back into my lunch walks and gym lifting and it still hurts, but not as bad as the initial shock yesterday.
 
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Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,596
Thanks, it felt good to put this up and let some of the emotions flow out vs keeping them bottled up. Have a good friend who's been there the entire divorce and he helps me forget this stuff.

The holiday threw off my routine, but got back into my lunch walks and gym lifting and it still hurts, but not as bad as the initial shock yesterday.
I'm glad that you're still keeping up with your routine, that helps so much when we're feeling down. Keep at it, and if you ever need to talk or vent about any of these feelings as they pop up, we will be here for you
 

Kyuuji

Member
Nov 8, 2017
4,924
UK
Had a knock last Friday that I found tough to bury this past weekend. Thought I'd come out the other side but worked through the day yesterday with crunch at the end for a 21hr total grind ending at 4:30am, with a 3hr journey starting at 7:45am today with a full day in London. Went to bed and woke up 30m later drenched in sweat and in the middle of a panic attack.

If it was just that it would have been fine, but last week was almost a full of week of burning the candle and stress, and think with the tiredness and looming need to finish and move topped it off.

One of a few since getting a hold on everything after burning out last year, so I've taken the day, cleared half my meetings out of tomorrow and wiped the weekend.

It's subsided now after 6 hours - a short one, I'm thankful - but I'm left with the usual mix of adrenaline and feeling trashed. So I'll take it easy for the rest of the day and catch the sleep where I can.

I need to bring back the focus on ensuring a balance in work again, as can feel myself drifting toward the abyss on the project. It's one I'm particularly passionate about and have had an abundance of positive feedback on so it's just learning to step away and be a little more iterative in my aims.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
There is a direct correlation with head aches and misery. I've got the worst headache today and its only driving in my bad spell. I'm sensible enough to know this will pass but god I'm having trouble keeping things together right now.

My memories also worse, my thinking is slowed, I'm more pathetic... god even therapy didnt help much this is a really rough one. Trying to move my thoughts around but it's just pure self hatred and lack of any kind of belief in myself.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
There is a direct correlation with head aches and misery. I've got the worst headache today and its only driving in my bad spell. I'm sensible enough to know this will pass but god I'm having trouble keeping things together right now.

My memories also worse, my thinking is slowed, I'm more pathetic... god even therapy didnt help much this is a really rough one. Trying to move my thoughts around but it's just pure self hatred and lack of any kind of belief in myself.
Take it easy, don't push yourself.

I know it's not a good time, I'm down there myself right now.
Know that it will get better soon, you just need to take it slow today. Take a few minutes to breathe every now and then.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
Take it easy, don't push yourself.

I know it's not a good time, I'm down there myself right now.
Know that it will get better soon, you just need to take it slow today. Take a few minutes to breathe every now and then.
I'm trying friend, thankfully I have enough awareness keeping me from slipping but it's taking my full strength to keep my head. Sorry to hear youre where I am.
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,361
Germany
I'm stuck in this loop of thoughts and self-doubt/criticism. I don't know if the last topic i've talked about in this thread triggered it of if it's just time for another one of those phases. Sleeping and especially waking up has been rough again. Luckily it's a long weekend now and i have a week long vacation in 2 weeks coming up, i should survive until then. Music has been helping me to not completely drown in thoughts.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,526
Felt myself slipping lately and there's a lot of pressure and feelings resurfacing, trying to stay on top of it though.

Tried to force myself to listen to more upbeat and positive music lately but I always fall back into slower emotional melodic stuff when I'm in these phases. It's just really self-defeating even if it is somewhat cathartic.

 

Spinluck

Avenger
Oct 26, 2017
5,939
Florida
That last bit doesn't apply, I kick myself when I'm down constantly. It's of course a problem when I do it and already feel low.

A self esteem issue really, something that I'm bound to deal with in my process.

The entire writing process makes me feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Self esteem is the hardest thing for me to manage so I understand that struggle and just how heavy feeling vulnerable can be in that moment.

If you don't mind; what are you writing for?
 

HououinKyouma

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,908
Anxiety works in really, really strange ways. One night in late January, it's as if something "snapped" and I was having urinary symptoms that wouldn't go away.

Had a number of different tests done, and nothing was coming up. Over the past couple months though, I've found that it's almost directly tied with my stress/anxiety levels. When I'm hanging out with family or friends and having a good time, I don't notice anything. When I'm home after a long day at work, and I get caught up in my overthinking, boom, it strikes. I don't think it's a coincidence that these symptoms started at a time where I was honestly at my lowest in life.

I still have a few more tests to rule out physical issues, but my urologist thinks I'm too young and healthy (doesn't mean it's not possible something is physically wrong, of course).

This issue has practically halted my life over the past few months, so I'm looking forward to getting my mind and body back in the right place over this summer.
 

Mondai

Member
Dec 8, 2018
1,140
I've been diagnosed with having Bi Polar disorder and I guess I don't know how to handle it.
 
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Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,596
I've been diagnosed with having Bi Polar disorder and I guess I don't know how to handle it.

It can definitely be a bit strange to have a diagnosis, but you are still the same person that you were before you were diagnosed. You just have a better understanding of what's causing issues for you and you can take a look at coping mechanisms that can help you. Are you still seeing a professional after your diagnosis?
 

Mondai

Member
Dec 8, 2018
1,140
It can definitely be a bit strange to have a diagnosis, but you are still the same person that you were before you were diagnosed. You just have a better understanding of what's causing issues for you and you can take a look at coping mechanisms that can help you. Are you still seeing a professional after your diagnosis?
Thank you for the reply , I am trying to find myself again and yes I still see my therapist.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
Self esteem is the hardest thing for me to manage so I understand that struggle and just how heavy feeling vulnerable can be in that moment.

If you don't mind; what are you writing for?
I can't say I really know, just wanted to tell a specific person what's going on and why I'm frequently not what she once saw.

I suppose I just want to be honest with one of the people I really like, but can't find the strength to be as open as I'd like.

Mostly cause of feelings, the more you mean to me, the stronger the urge to keep you away from the coming storm.

My mood has been bouncing as of late, I've jotted down all of my feelings per day to try and document all of it. I think I'm doing worse.

There's a bit of pressure, new project, upcoming certification exam, so I can't rule those out as factors.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
I have been doing awful for almost a entire week now. Before I had a long stretch i was okay and I'm getting really spent.
God I just wanna bash my head into a long nail.

I'm sick of looking at myself I'm sick of being myself. I dont even want to get better i cant get better anyway. Nothing i do will change I'm me. No matter how much I attempt to change I'm always me and that alone is reason I don't deserve to be here or anywhere for that matter.
 
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Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,526
I have been doing awful for almost a entire week now. Before I had a long stretch i was okay and I'm getting really spent. God I just wanna bash my head into a long nail
Don’t let go of that long stretch of doing okay, that’s what you’re capable of and you’ll get back to it. You do a lot of good when you’re talking to the rest of us so you know in yourself what you need to do my man. You’re gonna be gold.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
Don’t let go of that long stretch of doing okay, that’s what you’re capable of and you’ll get back to it. You do a lot of good when you’re talking to the rest of us so you know in yourself what you need to do my man. You’re gonna be gold.
Ignore my shit its a slip up. I'm still fighting to hold. I dont feel like I'm good at all but its also just this dark spell I'll be fine. Thank you

Still got the headaches?
Any idea what triggered this streak?
I'm guessing the weather it's been raining all week, cloudy and dark.
 

teague

Member
Dec 17, 2018
483
I've been diagnosed with having Bi Polar disorder and I guess I don't know how to handle it.
It can definitely be a bit strange to have a diagnosis, but you are still the same person that you were before you were diagnosed. You just have a better understanding of what's causing issues for you and you can take a look at coping mechanisms that can help you. Are you still seeing a professional after your diagnosis?
As a fellow person with a Bipolar diagnosis, I want to second the "you are still the same person" thing. Bipolar definitely gets a really bad rap, especially in pop culture, but you are still you. The diagnosis is just a way of categorizing the things you are/have been going through, your reactions, patterns of thought, etc. so that you can learn to manage, not an end-all-be-all "you're broken forever in this exact way". (Put another way, it's just a way of saying that you're more like people like me than people with depression, OCD, and so on).

For me and for quite a few people with bipolar, I'd say one of the number one things is keeping your routines in place, so definitely I'd keep going to therapy and be wary if you get the impulse to do any Big Life Events. But bipolar is certainly manageable and I fully believe you can learn how to do it. Much love from over here
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
Ignore my shit its a slip up. I'm still fighting to hold. I dont feel like I'm good at all but its also just this dark spell I'll be fine. Thank you


I'm guessing the weather it's been raining all week, cloudy and dark.
It's okay man, I'm struggling too. For the first in a long time I can say it's nice that work is not a factor in this slump.

It's been sunny 'round here, heat usually gets me headaches. Headaches usually make me more irritable and less patient for most things.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
It's okay man, I'm struggling too. For the first in a long time I can say it's nice that work is not a factor in this slump.

It's been sunny 'round here, heat usually gets me headaches. Headaches usually make me more irritable and less patient for most things.
I did have a trigger actually my memories just garbage like this. Family stress theres been lots of fighting and invasion of my privacy.

Sunny can be just as bad if not worse, you can't escape heat. I feel for ya I really hope this passes soon enough.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
I did have a trigger actually my memories just garbage like this. Family stress theres been lots of fighting and invasion of my privacy.

Sunny can be just as bad if not worse, you can't escape heat. I feel for ya I really hope this passes soon enough.
Invasion of privacy sounds crap, and I always hate any sort of issues my family has. Even shouting is enough to set me off. I hope it's nothing bad for you.

I should be fine, I've got an appointment next week so I can discuss it with my therapist then.

Problem is the weekend, during which my mood usually sinks low these days. I find it very hard to get out of bed those days.
I don't know the why behind it.

Hopefully I'll feel better after my appointment, I'll run the other stuff by a friend when I'm good and ready.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
Invasion of privacy sounds crap, and I always hate any sort of issues my family has. Even shouting is enough to set me off. I hope it's nothing bad for you.

I should be fine, I've got an appointment next week so I can discuss it with my therapist then.

Problem is the weekend, during which my mood usually sinks low these days. I find it very hard to get out of bed those days.
I don't know the why behind it.

Hopefully I'll feel better after my appointment, I'll run the other stuff by a friend when I'm good and ready.
I'm feeling a bit better already being honest. Morning was rough but this adorable new avatar has been kinda comfy. Tomorrow im gonna do something to shake up my routine, idk what.

I really hope you feel better friend.

Don’t let go of that long stretch of doing okay, that’s what you’re capable of and you’ll get back to it. You do a lot of good when you’re talking to the rest of us so you know in yourself what you need to do my man. You’re gonna be gold.
I just want to thank you again for the kind words. Its hard to reach me when I'm in that space but it helps, honestly.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,526
I was asked to post here about recent happenings. Basically, I had an account on here before where I went by "kalmakoffee" and many of my posts were about my self-loathing brought on by losing in fighting games. It got to a point where it became physical self-abuse, like hitting myself or intentionally starving myself as a means to punish myself for displaying poor skill. I had asked to have my account deleted so that when people looked me up for my art they wouldn't find all of these embrassing posts. I also believed that I needed to remove myself from any possible outlets in the fgc where I could post about these things. Some time passed and I asked to have a new account made because I thought I had improved when it came to my self-loathing. For a while, it's been fine. But last night, when the Granblue Fantasy Versus Beta started, this happened;
https://www.resetera.com/threads/granblue-fantasy-versus-closed-beta-ot-believe-in-victory.120044/post-21289473

So, I'm clearly not over losing in fighting games, and this is the worst it has ever gotten. So now I'm asking to have account deleted again since I can't undo this mistake, and that if I ever ask for a new one that the resetera staff refuse to allow me to join again. I'm also thinking after finishing some commissions that I will all of my social media and remove myself as far as possible from the mistakes I've made.
Do what is best for yourself, but sometimes you don't have to go to extremes like totally removing yourself; a reaction like that can be unhealthy within itself. These mistakes don't define you, just like your ability in games doesn't define you. These are lessons and moments you can grow from! Like you said, people might look you up for your art so you're already demonstrating value. Stay away from fighting games for now and stick to more therapeutic hobbies that you enjoy. Wishing you luck!

I just want to thank you again for the kind words. Its hard to reach me when I'm in that space but it helps, honestly.
You're welcome my man, you do the same for me.
 
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OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,596
I was asked to post here about recent happenings. Basically, I had an account on here before where I went by "kalmakoffee" and many of my posts were about my self-loathing brought on by losing in fighting games. It got to a point where it became physical self-abuse, like hitting myself or intentionally starving myself as a means to punish myself for displaying poor skill. I had asked to have my account deleted so that when people looked me up for my art they wouldn't find all of these embrassing posts. I also believed that I needed to remove myself from any possible outlets in the fgc where I could post about these things. Some time passed and I asked to have a new account made because I thought I had improved when it came to my self-loathing. For a while, it's been fine. But last night, when the Granblue Fantasy Versus Beta started, this happened;
https://www.resetera.com/threads/granblue-fantasy-versus-closed-beta-ot-believe-in-victory.120044/post-21289473

So, I'm clearly not over losing in fighting games, and this is the worst it has ever gotten. So now I'm asking to have account deleted again since I can't undo this mistake, and that if I ever ask for a new one that the resetera staff refuse to allow me to join again. I'm also thinking after finishing some commissions that I will all of my social media and remove myself as far as possible from the mistakes I've made.
Hey Kalma, thank you for taking the time to post about this here. I think its a natural feeling to have those moments of shame after hurting yourself, but it's important to try and keep in mind that these moments where you have hurt yourself are just that, moments. These moments do not define you and no one worth anything is going to judge you for having these feelings. I have been in a similar situation where I used to selfharm when my self worth was at its worst, and if you'd like we could talk about this some and see if we can help you move past these feelings. Would you be willing to tell us a little more about how you feel before and after punishing yourself?
 

Mastersmith98

Banned
Nov 6, 2018
18
Hi friends.

I dunno where to begin with this or how to lay it out into a succinct story, so I'll just kind bullet point it.

I'm fairly certain I have bipolar disorder and/or borderline personality disorder. I can't keep a stable relationship going for long. I make erratic moves hoping that will make me feel better. It feels like I'm more depressed than not, but when I'm not down, it feels so good and when I indulge in that I become a huge liability. It's a struggle to get much done, especially since I do freelance and work primarily from home. I really miss working in-person with a team, but in my field that's not a reality at the moment. It seems like these mental problems are holding me back in my career and life.

To name off some episodes: Moved 7 times within the last year; Got arrested antagonizing the police last year; Left home at 11 to escape my abusive mother; Blown up nearly every relationship in my life; It's a struggle to stay stable, calm and keep carting my carcass through all this shit.

This year I made major gains. Mandated group therapy from the arrest helped me realize something was really off. I moved states to get out of a substance enabling roommate situation. And rather than exploding on people or unnecessarily burdening them with my problems, I first try to sort it out myself.

But it's so hard to stay on top of it. All I want to do is go back to indulging in booze and smoking. In some ways not abusing substances has given me a clearer head, however, it also means that the edge of everything is extra sharp and the dullness of life is extra blunt.

It's hard to lose myself in hobbies because of the numbness to most joyful pursuits. I'm new to the state and don't have a ton of friends, but generally me being around groups just gives me an excuse to indulge in my worst impulses.

I'd really like to seek out some kind of care, but financially it's just not a thing right now. I'm looking into medicaid, but I just moved states and I'm trying to establish residency.

The thing that worries me most about this is without self-medicating, not being around people who need attention and taking a more realistic stance on my feelings (IE not blaming others or the world, but myself) has lead to greater suicidal ideation, delusional thoughts and general hopelessness. In some ways it's good I'm facing this stuff head-on without the constant haze. I just think I need something else to make that next step.

So I was wondering if anyone had any general advice for weathering the storm while I got my financial situation in order or potential resources for low-cost help.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
127
Hi Mastersmith. That sounds like a really tough situation you're in. There's only so much advice I can give you through this screen... it's taken me decades of hard work and support to get to the point I'm at, and I've found that advice is something that's a lot easier to give than it is to follow.

Something I've been working on a lot these past couple years is accepting responsibility for my mistakes without blaming myself for them. My mental illness means that I don't always have a free and open range of actions available to me. A lot of times there are things I would like to do, ways I would like to behave, that I fall short of. In the past my response has been to either blame myself for that or fatalistically assume that I was doomed to failure, that I had no control over my own life.

I don't think either of those things are ever 100% true for anybody. You probably will not be able to accomplish everything you want right now. Do your best to understand and accept your limitations and not set yourself up for failure. Give yourself time, to the greatest extent that you can, and acknowledge the things you do right. It is very easy in certain situations to focus on the things that one isn't doing right, particularly when it leads to legal trouble and so forth. Again, accepting responsibility, not making excuses for yourself, is really important, but so is separating your actions from your sense of who you are as a person. The fact that you've done, and continue to face strong temptations to do, bad things does not equate to your being a bad person.

As for what resources are available to you, I can't speak to that - my experience is that, in America for sure, this is very much dependent on what locality you are in. You may have to sort of stumble around blindly before you find the resources that will best help you. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. You are worthy of help and support, even if other people in official positions may make you feel like you aren't. In particular, do not be afraid to take any steps you need to stay safe.

How do you feel about 12-step groups? They are not a good fit for everyone but some of my relatives with substance abuse problems have found them to be pretty helpful. If there's baggage there, I would encourage you to just take what you need and leave the rest.
 

Deleted member 56841

User requested account closure
Banned
May 18, 2019
97
Hey Kalma, thank you for taking the time to post about this here. I think its a natural feeling to have those moments of shame after hurting yourself, but it's important to try and keep in mind that these moments where you have hurt yourself are just that, moments. These moments do not define you and no one worth anything is going to judge you for having these feelings. I have been in a similar situation where I used to selfharm when my self worth was at its worst, and if you'd like we could talk about this some and see if we can help you move past these feelings. Would you be willing to tell us a little more about how you feel before and after punishing yourself?
Before, I feel embarrassed, angry, and ashamed of myself for playing so poorly. After, I feel so stupid and ridiculous for going to such lengths to punish myself and for caring so much in the first place.
 

SolVanderlyn

Member
Oct 28, 2017
6,627
Sometimes I look at people around my age and wonder what it must be like to have lots of friends, interests that don't stigmatize you, charisma that lets them talk to people without being a train wreck, a history without mental illness or abuse.

I was sitting next to two co-workers talking to each other on the bus the other day and almost broke down.

I shouldn't even care. I have plenty of things in my life that can be considered good. But sometimes, even if it's just my own perception lying to me, I can't help but feel like people are dealt unfair hands in life, and it really breaks me.

How do you stop comparing yourself to other people?
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,596
Before, I feel embarrassed, angry, and ashamed of myself for playing so poorly. After, I feel so stupid and ridiculous for going to such lengths to punish myself and for caring so much in the first place.
I see. I can definitely understand those feelings of being upset when you lose at fighting games, but I don't think you need to punish yourself further for caring that much in the first place. If you enjoy something, or care about it a great deal, there is nothing wrong with that. The issue stems from having those feelings of anger and shame, and how you cope with them.

One of the things that really helped me to move past those urges to hurt myself was to really take a look at how I felt afterwards and to remind myself of how I would only feel worse if I went through with it.

I often really struggle to keep those feelings in mind in the heat of the moment, so I started to write down how I was feeling in the moment so that I could look back over it later and work on better coping mechanisms. Posting about that here is already a great start and I would really recommend that you talk to us, someone close to you, or even journal about this whenever you notice these feelings start to pop up.

Journaling or taking about these feelings will help you to recognize these feelings before they escalate too far, but this is best used with coping mechanisms that help you relax. Have you tried any other coping mechanisms to replace hurting yourself in the past?
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,526
Sometimes I look at people around my age and wonder what it must be like to have lots of friends, interests that don't stigmatize you, charisma that lets them talk to people without being a train wreck, a history without mental illness or abuse.

I was sitting next to two co-workers talking to each other on the bus the other day and almost broke down.

I shouldn't even care. I have plenty of things in my life that can be considered good. But sometimes, even if it's just my own perception lying to me, I can't help but feel like people are dealt unfair hands in life, and it really breaks me.

How do you stop comparing yourself to other people?
One thing is to realize is that you're comparing to an outward perception. I can come across as the most confident and charismatic person I know in public and social settings; but that merely hides my own thoughts, feelings and experiences that people would never be able to assume. I used to compare myself to a good friend who was extremely successful in her career and life (property, high salary with even higher potential, engaged) and one day I found out about her own personal demons and battles - it shocked me.

You're comparing to something you're imagining or not seeing the whole story of. No one has that perfect fairy tale life and everyone has their own problems.

Focus on yourself and forget everyone else. Everyone is unique and has their individual paths, you're the most important person in your life and there shouldn't be any scale or barometer to compare yourself to. You do you, personal growth comes from introspection.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,155
Hi Mastersmith. That sounds like a really tough situation you're in. There's only so much advice I can give you through this screen... it's taken me decades of hard work and support to get to the point I'm at, and I've found that advice is something that's a lot easier to give than it is to follow.

Something I've been working on a lot these past couple years is accepting responsibility for my mistakes without blaming myself for them. My mental illness means that I don't always have a free and open range of actions available to me. A lot of times there are things I would like to do, ways I would like to behave, that I fall short of. In the past my response has been to either blame myself for that or fatalistically assume that I was doomed to failure, that I had no control over my own life.

I don't think either of those things are ever 100% true for anybody. You probably will not be able to accomplish everything you want right now. Do your best to understand and accept your limitations and not set yourself up for failure. Give yourself time, to the greatest extent that you can, and acknowledge the things you do right. It is very easy in certain situations to focus on the things that one isn't doing right, particularly when it leads to legal trouble and so forth. Again, accepting responsibility, not making excuses for yourself, is really important, but so is separating your actions from your sense of who you are as a person. The fact that you've done, and continue to face strong temptations to do, bad things does not equate to your being a bad person.

As for what resources are available to you, I can't speak to that - my experience is that, in America for sure, this is very much dependent on what locality you are in. You may have to sort of stumble around blindly before you find the resources that will best help you. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. You are worthy of help and support, even if other people in official positions may make you feel like you aren't. In particular, do not be afraid to take any steps you need to stay safe.

How do you feel about 12-step groups? They are not a good fit for everyone but some of my relatives with substance abuse problems have found them to be pretty helpful. If there's baggage there, I would encourage you to just take what you need and leave the rest.
I just wanted to say that this is a great post. Blaming the world and others for your problems can be harmful, but so can blaming yourself. I wanted to emphasize taking responsibility for something without blaming yourself. It’s something I’ve been struggling with the last month. I did something awful and hate myself for it. I can’t forgive myself. But recently I’ve been learning that I can take responsibility for what I did without hating myself. Taking responsibility is the first step towards change I believe. Once you take that first step, you can move on to HOW you’ll take responsibility. What will you DO about it? I learned that the mistakes I made don’t have to define me and that my taking responsibility for my actions and willingness to change are better indicators of my worth.

Before, I feel embarrassed, angry, and ashamed of myself for playing so poorly. After, I feel so stupid and ridiculous for going to such lengths to punish myself and for caring so much in the first place.
May I ask what attracts you to fighting games in the first place? I have a nephew who every now and then buys the newest fighting game because of hype or because the aesthetic pleases him. He has fun playing things like story mode and such but once he plays with actual people he gets really angry and sad because quite frankly he’s not very good. Then he tried again and the same thing happens. For a while, he just stops playing online or against other people. Then he goes back at it and it repeats. My guess is that he wants to prove to himself that he’s improving but I never asked him. At the very least though, he was able to take a break from the online and still find enjoyment in the game. I don’t mean to compare but it just reminded me of him.
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,361
Germany
Starting to do a bit better again

One thing is to realize is that you're comparing to an outward perception. I can come across as the most confident and charismatic person I know in public and social settings; but that merely hides my own thoughts, feelings and experiences that people would never be able to assume. I used to compare myself to a good friend who was extremely successful in her career and life (property, high salary with even higher potential, engaged) and one day I found out about her own personal demons and battles - it shocked me.

You're comparing to something you're imagining or not seeing the whole story of. No one has that perfect fairy tale life and everyone has their own problems.

Focus on yourself and forget everyone else. Everyone is unique and has their individual paths, you're the most important person in your life and there shouldn't be any scale or barometer to compare yourself to. You do you, personal growth comes from introspection.
I need to bookmark this post.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,155
Sometimes I look at people around my age and wonder what it must be like to have lots of friends, interests that don't stigmatize you, charisma that lets them talk to people without being a train wreck, a history without mental illness or abuse.

I was sitting next to two co-workers talking to each other on the bus the other day and almost broke down.

I shouldn't even care. I have plenty of things in my life that can be considered good. But sometimes, even if it's just my own perception lying to me, I can't help but feel like people are dealt unfair hands in life, and it really breaks me.

How do you stop comparing yourself to other people?
I wanted to weigh in on this as well. I compare myself to others a lot. In the past, when I would see couples together, I’d get angry and sad and wonder why I don’t have that. Sometimes now I think about how my former classmates from my graduate program all have jobs and I just now got one after so many months and it’s not even one I’m happy with. I sometimes look at guys at the gym and compare myself to them. But I think what helped me is setting goals for myself and focusing on them as much as I can and compare myself to myself and no one else. For example, yesterday I felt really good at the gym. I’ve had a specific goal for a while now and yesterday I thought about the progress I’ve made. I pointed out how much stronger I am, how much bigger I am. Sure I’m not as big as other guys but I don’t know their lives. I don’t know how much longer they’ve been doing this than me. And their size doesn’t take away from my own progress. Hell, there’s probably people who look at me and think “damn I wish I looked like Astral.” Someone on Era actually told me that last bit and that helped me quite a bit. So I was thinking all this and giving myself a pat on the back for the progress I’ve made and for not comparing myself to others. I think having a goal really helps and so does looking at the situation more rationally. My former classmates probably ARE in a better place than me and more prepared than me but that’s because they truthfully had a better internship than me while we were in school. Theirs was tougher and mine was kinda chill. Could I have gotten more out of mine? Yes. In hindsight I could’ve probably been more assertive in getting more out of it. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t get ANY experience and I did land myself a job with the experience I got. I didn’t get my Master’s because I didn’t deserve it. I’ll probably get a ton of experience with this job anyway AND I’ll be getting paid. It doesn’t matter what my classmates are doing. Right now I need to focus on my new job and getting what I can from it.

In short, I think having personal goals and comparing yourself to yourself can keep you from comparing yourself to others, as well as understanding that you don’t know these people, you don’t know their situation, you don’t know why they have what they have or how they are how they are, or what else there is to them. Like Jam said, you’re likely comparing yourself to something you’re imagining. Even if this idealized version of this person is accurate (it’s probably not very accurate) they likely did something thing get to that point and you can too.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
Sometimes I look at people around my age and wonder what it must be like to have lots of friends, interests that don't stigmatize you, charisma that lets them talk to people without being a train wreck, a history without mental illness or abuse.

I was sitting next to two co-workers talking to each other on the bus the other day and almost broke down.

I shouldn't even care. I have plenty of things in my life that can be considered good. But sometimes, even if it's just my own perception lying to me, I can't help but feel like people are dealt unfair hands in life, and it really breaks me.

How do you stop comparing yourself to other people?
Grass being greener.
I know the feeling, but don't forget that they have their own stuff to deal with. Some of them hide their wounds better, or are more afraid of speaking up about things.

Someone might be walking past smiling, but deep down inside be miserable. You'll never know for sure.
 

SolVanderlyn

Member
Oct 28, 2017
6,627
One thing is to realize is that you're comparing to an outward perception. I can come across as the most confident and charismatic person I know in public and social settings; but that merely hides my own thoughts, feelings and experiences that people would never be able to assume. I used to compare myself to a good friend who was extremely successful in her career and life (property, high salary with even higher potential, engaged) and one day I found out about her own personal demons and battles - it shocked me.

You're comparing to something you're imagining or not seeing the whole story of. No one has that perfect fairy tale life and everyone has their own problems.

Focus on yourself and forget everyone else. Everyone is unique and has their individual paths, you're the most important person in your life and there shouldn't be any scale or barometer to compare yourself to. You do you, personal growth comes from introspection.
I wanted to weigh in on this as well. I compare myself to others a lot. In the past, when I would see couples together, I’d get angry and sad and wonder why I don’t have that. Sometimes now I think about how my former classmates from my graduate program all have jobs and I just now got one after so many months and it’s not even one I’m happy with. I sometimes look at guys at the gym and compare myself to them. But I think what helped me is setting goals for myself and focusing on them as much as I can and compare myself to myself and no one else. For example, yesterday I felt really good at the gym. I’ve had a specific goal for a while now and yesterday I thought about the progress I’ve made. I pointed out how much stronger I am, how much bigger I am. Sure I’m not as big as other guys but I don’t know their lives. I don’t know how much longer they’ve been doing this than me. And their size doesn’t take away from my own progress. Hell, there’s probably people who look at me and think “damn I wish I looked like Astral.” Someone on Era actually told me that last bit and that helped me quite a bit. So I was thinking all this and giving myself a pat on the back for the progress I’ve made and for not comparing myself to others. I think having a goal really helps and so does looking at the situation more rationally. My former classmates probably ARE in a better place than me and more prepared than me but that’s because they truthfully had a better internship than me while we were in school. Theirs was tougher and mine was kinda chill. Could I have gotten more out of mine? Yes. In hindsight I could’ve probably been more assertive in getting more out of it. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t get ANY experience and I did land myself a job with the experience I got. I didn’t get my Master’s because I didn’t deserve it. I’ll probably get a ton of experience with this job anyway AND I’ll be getting paid. It doesn’t matter what my classmates are doing. Right now I need to focus on my new job and getting what I can from it.

In short, I think having personal goals and comparing yourself to yourself can keep you from comparing yourself to others, as well as understanding that you don’t know these people, you don’t know their situation, you don’t know why they have what they have or how they are how they are, or what else there is to them. Like Jam said, you’re likely comparing yourself to something you’re imagining. Even if this idealized version of this person is accurate (it’s probably not very accurate) they likely did something thing get to that point and you can too.
Grass being greener.
I know the feeling, but don't forget that they have their own stuff to deal with. Some of them hide their wounds better, or are more afraid of speaking up about things.

Someone might be walking past smiling, but deep down inside be miserable. You'll never know for sure.
Thanks. Yeah, you're right.

I think a big part of it is just personal perception. But that alone can be a powerful demon to deal with.
 

Evil Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,730
USA West Virginia
I'm still in the hole its ridiculous. I'm just feeling tired. Lol I feel like a psychonauts level waiting to happen. Also it's real fun seeing all the protesters to our pride parade reminding me how fucking cruel this place is. I gotta do something different I have no money but i have to do something
 

Mastersmith98

Banned
Nov 6, 2018
18
I'm still in the hole its ridiculous. I'm just feeling tired. Lol I feel like a psychonauts level waiting to happen. Also it's real fun seeing all the protesters to our pride parade reminding me how fucking cruel this place is. I gotta do something different I have no money but i have to do something
You're not alone in feeling that way. There's so much insane shit going on in this world I don't know how some people can so easily block it out. It sounds like you're hitting a negative thought spiral and need to engage in something to break you out of it.

Feel free to hit me up if you need someone.

Hi Mastersmith. That sounds like a really tough situation you're in. There's only so much advice I can give you through this screen... it's taken me decades of hard work and support to get to the point I'm at, and I've found that advice is something that's a lot easier to give than it is to follow.

Something I've been working on a lot these past couple years is accepting responsibility for my mistakes without blaming myself for them. My mental illness means that I don't always have a free and open range of actions available to me. A lot of times there are things I would like to do, ways I would like to behave, that I fall short of. In the past my response has been to either blame myself for that or fatalistically assume that I was doomed to failure, that I had no control over my own life.

I don't think either of those things are ever 100% true for anybody. You probably will not be able to accomplish everything you want right now. Do your best to understand and accept your limitations and not set yourself up for failure. Give yourself time, to the greatest extent that you can, and acknowledge the things you do right. It is very easy in certain situations to focus on the things that one isn't doing right, particularly when it leads to legal trouble and so forth. Again, accepting responsibility, not making excuses for yourself, is really important, but so is separating your actions from your sense of who you are as a person. The fact that you've done, and continue to face strong temptations to do, bad things does not equate to your being a bad person.

As for what resources are available to you, I can't speak to that - my experience is that, in America for sure, this is very much dependent on what locality you are in. You may have to sort of stumble around blindly before you find the resources that will best help you. Do not be afraid to advocate for yourself. You are worthy of help and support, even if other people in official positions may make you feel like you aren't. In particular, do not be afraid to take any steps you need to stay safe.

How do you feel about 12-step groups? They are not a good fit for everyone but some of my relatives with substance abuse problems have found them to be pretty helpful. If there's baggage there, I would encourage you to just take what you need and leave the rest.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I don't know how I feel about a twelve step program. They seem to have too much of a religious bent for my taste. But I'll definitely look into it.

You're totally right on the balance of responsibility. It helps having an outside observer confirm that. It's just so easy to jump to an extreme rather than seeing it pragmatically.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
199
I'm still in the hole its ridiculous. I'm just feeling tired. Lol I feel like a psychonauts level waiting to happen. Also it's real fun seeing all the protesters to our pride parade reminding me how fucking cruel this place is. I gotta do something different I have no money but i have to do something
Sounds pretty bad, do you have enough things to do during the weekend? I find myself mostly sleeping.

And yeah, hateful people will always be around. Don't let those fools ruin your day, as hard as it may be.