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Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Oct 28, 2017
1,383
#52
I had the worst hour of my life today. I went to my first job interview since starting transition. It's been almost two years since I started taking hormones. The interviewer called me a tranny and insinuated we were always causing drama over every little thing. Obviously that led to asking me if I would cause drama if no one bothered to call me by my name. She referred to me as a man the whole time. She said that the manager at the place she was sending me to might just deadname me because they don't care and that the coworkers would probably make fun of me, but she wouldn't really do anything about it. I put on a brave face and said I'd do the job anyway, I figure who am I to ask for better? This is my life now. This is how it will be. No one will respect me, I'll never fit in, and I'll never pass enough to avoid it. I should just get used to it. I finally broke down after filling out the paper work while waiting for the person for awhile to pick it up, and decided I couldn't do it. I'd rather die. She gave me snark about wasting her precious paper and now I'm a wreck. It's not like I interviewed well, I did terrible and made every mistake. It was humiliating in every way possible. I was only offered the job because they'll hire literally anyone.

I keep crying randomly. I'm falling apart. I'm too stupid, too ugly, too incapable. There's nothing for me to offer and no life to look forward to. I have another interview on Friday at a different place and I'm mortified. I keep getting told that there's a friendly place somewhere out there but I don't know how many of these kinds of interviews I can take before it's just not worth it anymore. I just want the pain to end.
I don't know how desperate you are for this job but you should never have to a place where the interviewer disrespects you like that. I can't possibly imagine how difficult this is for you but you deserve at bare minimum to feel safe where ever you end up working. Especially from that kind of bigotry and cruelty. Stay strong but if you ever need to rant or just a push we are all rooting for you.

My mood and actions are so random that it's frustrating. I´ve doubted so many times if I am mentally ill even if I've been diagnosed and fully know some of the stuff that's been happening with me is not fine or healthy. A simple haircut can solve all my problems for a week and a single sentence can make me fall into a wreck for a month. I've always liked to believe I had control over my emotions, but I think I'm emotionally unstable and I don't know how to solve it.
That's the problem with living it, you can't ever see yourself and you can only feel what your mind let's you. I'm still working on my stuff too, mental illness is worst thing but accepting it really is the first step. After that it's just a matter of learning, wanting, and giving yourself the space and patience to slowly get to where you can have some more control.
 

Jombie

The Fallen
Oct 27, 2017
4,201
Alabama
#53
Sometimes I come home from work and go to bed at 5:30. I don't eat dinner, or much of anything. I have a daughter and I know she deserves better. I'm just at a loss.
 
Oct 25, 2017
9,671
#54
I don't know how I'm supposed to take a break or handle things a step at a time when that's out of my hands. Can't exactly tell my body, mind, and regular problems to form a line, you know? It's all stuff that I HAVE to deal with at the time that it happens
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,501
#55
I had the worst hour of my life today. I went to my first job interview since starting transition. It's been almost two years since I started taking hormones. The interviewer called me a tranny and insinuated we were always causing drama over every little thing. Obviously that led to asking me if I would cause drama if no one bothered to call me by my name. She referred to me as a man the whole time. She said that the manager at the place she was sending me to might just deadname me because they don't care and that the coworkers would probably make fun of me, but she wouldn't really do anything about it. I put on a brave face and said I'd do the job anyway, I figure who am I to ask for better? This is my life now. This is how it will be. No one will respect me, I'll never fit in, and I'll never pass enough to avoid it. I should just get used to it. I finally broke down after filling out the paper work while waiting for the person for awhile to pick it up, and decided I couldn't do it. I'd rather die. She gave me snark about wasting her precious paper and now I'm a wreck. It's not like I interviewed well, I did terrible and made every mistake. It was humiliating in every way possible. I was only offered the job because they'll hire literally anyone.

I keep crying randomly. I'm falling apart. I'm too stupid, too ugly, too incapable. There's nothing for me to offer and no life to look forward to. I have another interview on Friday at a different place and I'm mortified. I keep getting told that there's a friendly place somewhere out there but I don't know how many of these kinds of interviews I can take before it's just not worth it anymore. I just want the pain to end.
Hey Driggonny. That is a completely awful experience and I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. That lady is honestly a piece of shit, and you shouldn't put any stock in what she has to say. She was just trying to tear you down, and the things that she said about others, you can't believe that she's telling the truth about that. She's just projecting her own terribleness onto others. I know that you need a job, but I'm really glad that you're not going to work there. Having to work around someone as toxic as that wouldn't be healthy for you, and I know that you'll find somewhere better soon.

I know that it's hard to believe that right now, but you will find somewhere that's friendlier. I'm sure of it. I would really recommend going to the next interview you have on Friday, but if you need to take a little time to recharge after that last one, that's okay too. Take all the time you need. You have always shown such incredible strength and perseverance when we've talked in the past, and I know that you'll make it through this. We are always here for you and we'll support you however we can.

My mood and actions are so random that it's frustrating. I´ve doubted so many times if I am mentally ill even if I've been diagnosed and fully know some of the stuff that's been happening with me is not fine or healthy. A simple haircut can solve all my problems for a week and a single sentence can make me fall into a wreck for a month. I've always liked to believe I had control over my emotions, but I think I'm emotionally unstable and I don't know how to solve it.
Hey Yata, thank you for sharing this with us. Would you be willing to tell us a little bit more about what you mean? What is your thought process like when a sentence makes you fall into a wreck?
 
Oct 25, 2017
204
#56
I had the worst hour of my life today. I went to my first job interview since starting transition. It's been almost two years since I started taking hormones. The interviewer called me a tranny and insinuated we were always causing drama over every little thing. Obviously that led to asking me if I would cause drama if no one bothered to call me by my name. She referred to me as a man the whole time. She said that the manager at the place she was sending me to might just deadname me because they don't care and that the coworkers would probably make fun of me, but she wouldn't really do anything about it. I put on a brave face and said I'd do the job anyway, I figure who am I to ask for better? This is my life now. This is how it will be. No one will respect me, I'll never fit in, and I'll never pass enough to avoid it. I should just get used to it. I finally broke down after filling out the paper work while waiting for the person for awhile to pick it up, and decided I couldn't do it. I'd rather die. She gave me snark about wasting her precious paper and now I'm a wreck. It's not like I interviewed well, I did terrible and made every mistake. It was humiliating in every way possible. I was only offered the job because they'll hire literally anyone.

I keep crying randomly. I'm falling apart. I'm too stupid, too ugly, too incapable. There's nothing for me to offer and no life to look forward to. I have another interview on Friday at a different place and I'm mortified. I keep getting told that there's a friendly place somewhere out there but I don't know how many of these kinds of interviews I can take before it's just not worth it anymore. I just want the pain to end.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience that and I hate that it might happen to you again. Their behavior was incredibly unprofessional and the fact that they would treat anyone that way says only negative things about them. You are an amazing woman drigg, you are smart, talented, and cute(I've seen proof so don't even try to think I'm being nice). You have every right to be in pain right now and to cry and to be angry, but don't let your brain lie to you, don't let that garbage person's words make you forget the truth of who you are.
offers hugs
 

Yata

Member
Feb 1, 2019
265
Spain
#57
Hey Yata, thank you for sharing this with us. Would you be willing to tell us a little bit more about what you mean? What is your thought process like when a sentence makes you fall into a wreck?
Thanks for asking but you shouldn't worry.

I really just meant that I can get really hurt with some stuff and it's pretty inconsistent. Sometimes I can take criticism pretty easily, sometimes it just destroys me. Sometimes a single moment, even if it's a good or a bad one, can make me spiral into so many bad thoughts. And sometimes it doesn't.

I think it's pretty normal for a lot of people to experience this in some way or another, though the problem is that a lot of the time it happens with stuff that really isn't hurtful, there's a lot of harmless stuff that like I said before, wrecks me.

I really do think I just need to grow a spine.
 
Nov 14, 2017
119
#58
I started a new job last week, the people are awful. I have cried in the bathroom so many times. I can’t face going in and yesterday I had a melt down and just gapped it after lunch. Finally went to my GP and he prescribed me Lexapro. I took it but i feel like crap today. Apparently it takes two weeks to feel better. 😭
 
Oct 29, 2017
3,928
#59
I had the worst hour of my life today. I went to my first job interview since starting transition. It's been almost two years since I started taking hormones. The interviewer called me a tranny and insinuated we were always causing drama over every little thing. Obviously that led to asking me if I would cause drama if no one bothered to call me by my name. She referred to me as a man the whole time. She said that the manager at the place she was sending me to might just deadname me because they don't care and that the coworkers would probably make fun of me, but she wouldn't really do anything about it. I put on a brave face and said I'd do the job anyway, I figure who am I to ask for better? This is my life now. This is how it will be. No one will respect me, I'll never fit in, and I'll never pass enough to avoid it. I should just get used to it. I finally broke down after filling out the paper work while waiting for the person for awhile to pick it up, and decided I couldn't do it. I'd rather die. She gave me snark about wasting her precious paper and now I'm a wreck. It's not like I interviewed well, I did terrible and made every mistake. It was humiliating in every way possible. I was only offered the job because they'll hire literally anyone.

I keep crying randomly. I'm falling apart. I'm too stupid, too ugly, too incapable. There's nothing for me to offer and no life to look forward to. I have another interview on Friday at a different place and I'm mortified. I keep getting told that there's a friendly place somewhere out there but I don't know how many of these kinds of interviews I can take before it's just not worth it anymore. I just want the pain to end.
This behavior form the office you interviewed at is absolutely unacceptable and says way, way, way more about them than it would ever say about you. These people are degenerates who don't deserve a second of your time.

I know it's incredibly tough but please focus your energy into getting these pieces of shit out of your head. The only people in this scenario who don't deserve respect are them.
 
Oct 25, 2017
5,835
#60
How do people find the inner strength to do something that will make them miserable on a daily basis? Working's a pain; I'm in my mid-20s without ever having had a proper job outside of temp. QA. School's a pain; as soon as I hit university (in Canada, so it's cheap) and started studying Comp. Sci. around 6 years ago, I've completely stalled with a ton of incomplete classes and about only 1/4th of my necessary credits complete, and all in general ed. Can't focus on the lectures; fall asleep when I need to do assignments and study.

Somehow I was able to tolerate that feeling I've experienced every single time I woke up in the morning for school/work for years. The feeling of sitting on the side of my bed, holding my head in my hands, indulging in my misery and wondering about alternatives... I've tried determining if there's anything at all I'd be motivated to do. Nothing.

Went back to school after a "break," and seems like I'll have to drop the only course I'm taking because I couldn't keep up and poorly managed my time, yet again. How pathetic is that? I have respect for people who have the strength to wake up every day and do things they don't want to do for hours on end. I'm still a child; I have this block when it comes to real life that others easily overcome.

I don't like being around people, and have no friends or social life (nor do I want to). Years of having literally every social encounter end in your embarrassment will do that to you; make you want to avoid as much talk as possible. I don't have anyone to talk to about the problems I've always had. I've sought counselors, social workers, a therapist (using CBT), and a psychiatrist in the past. Nothing. Sometimes less; sometimes I felt worse. I don't think others can help.

I still live with my parents. Maybe that's the crux of my issues? I don't have much money saved, but I've been thinking more and more about how I want to get out. Maybe forcing myself to live with nothing will get my mind off its ass and able to work, despite still being miserable?

Sorry, so much text. I tend to write a lot; maybe to make up for how I don't talk. Don't expect anyone to endure it, but I think I feel slightly better laying out my feelings like this, even though it doesn't provide a way out. Many have it a lot worse than I do. I can read some of it in this thread. I wish I could be strong like these people to continue pushing myself every day despite that.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,298
#61
Having no one you feel comfortable enough to confide in sure sucks, even more so when I have been feeling super down on life as a whole lately, I can't see any good times coming my way in the horizon. I actually think it's all downhill from here, life sucks I wish I could go back in time and keep my mom and dad from procreating me.
 
#62
A thought for you....I can relate in a sense with this. Seems very likely your environment is creating the product of your circumstances. It might be scary, but what about a left turn of sorts? Get yourself out of the rut. Ask yourself what you really enjoy, or what you've wanted to do, who you want to see, etc....and make that left turn and do it. I think even the most hopeless of people at the bottom of whatever the deepest of that imaginable bottom is, could probably think of an answer to that self question. It doesn't need to be existential either. Just do it.

Change is scary, and sometimes for good reason. But probably most things in your life that you can reflect on and think positively on resulted in some change happening. However big, or small. My thoughts Coyote, is that the biggest thing you need is change. My advice, start small. Even small can sometime seem large. But do that change of whatever magnitude towards something out of your comfort zone. Your mind, body & soul have been yearning for something different.

We're not all perfect fits in this jigsaw puzzle called LIFE. Some are...good for them. I'll never understand it. But for every one of them, there's two or three of you and me. You're not alone, and you don't need to put the pressure on yourself to feel as though you have to fit amongst your peers. Take some time and quench the need that CoyoteSpitfire really feels deep down inside (his/herSELF!)....and not what or how you think others perceive you or think you should act. Life's too short for that. You are your own person, and a beautiful person....because we all are. Sometimes we just need to be shown that. Sometimes we get distracted. Sometimes society pulls us in other directions. Sometimes we forget. Go find yourself Coyote.
My environment is certainly a large factor. Doing the same thing every day for years will do that to you. But, I don't know if pursuing "what I want" is the answer. The only things I feel that I want are petty distractions and addictions / dependencies of various kinds and choosing those 100% of the time is how I turned into the shell I am today. There's change I know I need, or at least I think making those changes could lead to me being happier. But, those changes don't feel like a left turn to me. They feel like a mountain that's constantly in my way. One that I can scramble a short way up, before inevitably tumbling back down to where I started up or worse. Thank you for taking the time to read my crap and typing out a well thought out reply. But I can't help but feel that what I really need is to just jam my face into the grindstone and I don't think I have what it takes.

How do people find the inner strength to do something that will make them miserable on a daily basis? Working's a pain; I'm in my mid-20s without ever having had a proper job outside of temp. QA. School's a pain; as soon as I hit university (in Canada, so it's cheap) and started studying Comp. Sci. around 6 years ago, I've completely stalled with a ton of incomplete classes and about only 1/4th of my necessary credits complete, and all in general ed. Can't focus on the lectures; fall asleep when I need to do assignments and study.

Somehow I was able to tolerate that feeling I've experienced every single time I woke up in the morning for school/work for years. The feeling of sitting on the side of my bed, holding my head in my hands, indulging in my misery and wondering about alternatives... I've tried determining if there's anything at all I'd be motivated to do. Nothing.

Went back to school after a "break," and seems like I'll have to drop the only course I'm taking because I couldn't keep up and poorly managed my time, yet again. How pathetic is that? I have respect for people who have the strength to wake up every day and do things they don't want to do for hours on end. I'm still a child; I have this block when it comes to real life that others easily overcome.

I don't like being around people, and have no friends or social life (nor do I want to). Years of having literally every social encounter end in your embarrassment will do that to you; make you want to avoid as much talk as possible. I don't have anyone to talk to about the problems I've always had. I've sought counselors, social workers, a therapist (using CBT), and a psychiatrist in the past. Nothing. Sometimes less; sometimes I felt worse. I don't think others can help.

I still live with my parents. Maybe that's the crux of my issues? I don't have much money saved, but I've been thinking more and more about how I want to get out. Maybe forcing myself to live with nothing will get my mind off its ass and able to work, despite still being miserable?

Sorry, so much text. I tend to write a lot; maybe to make up for how I don't talk. Don't expect anyone to endure it, but I think I feel slightly better laying out my feelings like this, even though it doesn't provide a way out. Many have it a lot worse than I do. I can read some of it in this thread. I wish I could be strong like these people to continue pushing myself every day despite that.
It's kinda funny. I frequent the SFV thread and I've been reading your posts for years now. But, I never would have guessed we were so similar. Right down to the college major. I ask myself how normal people deal with the world every day. Getting out of bed in the morning and actually getting to class is enough of a struggle for me. Paying attention, doing my work, studying, etc is just more tedium to force myself through. And on top of that, I'm supposed to find the will to better myself and do even more shit just to stand out compared to my peers? I don't get it.

I think it's a good idea to do your best to move out though. I don't know if it's the crux of your issues, or if you'll even relate to what I'm about to say. But, one of the most constant and most depressing feelings I come back to is the thought that I'm so far behind where I should (or could) be. Feeling like my own weakness and inability to act in any meaningful or productive way has stunted me as a person. If nothing else, moving out will give you a greater feeling of independence, which is nice on its own. In any case, I hope you make it out of the place you're in emotionally. You're stronger than you think.
 
Oct 26, 2017
250
#63
I've been going through some of the worst time of my life the past 8 months. I believe it was triggered by me finally going to a dentist after I haven't been there for 5 years because I had to get a root canal and it cost a pretty penny. Fast-forward to this past year and I finally get the nerve to go back because I knew I needed to get my teeth checked out. Having to go back once a month each month and 2 Root-canals and a crown later I was swimming in debt and told that I also had gum disease and needed to get scaling and root planing. I had maxed out my insurance for the year so it was going to have to wait until my benefits reset.

During this period I started having sleeping problems where I would sleep for an hour and a half and wake up with a gasp for air. Then not be able to sleep for a while and then get maybe 4 more hours with the same issue of waking up almost in a panic or something. This continued for a month and I was too stubborn to think it meant anything. Eventually it got to where I went 3 days without sleep and I had a major freak-out because I thought I was going to lose my job and my whole life was going to come crashing down all because I couldn't get any sleep.

I finally went to a doctor about it and I was told I most likely had a panic attack and had anxiety/depression. I was given Clonazepam to take at night so I could sleep. My main problem when trying to sleep is my heart rate would go up and I would start having hypnic jerks that would violently jerk my whole body just as I was about to fall asleep. My anxiety really didn't like me having to be on those pills to sleep. I had a real big hangup with requiring medication just to feel "normal" and didn't want to have to rely on it. So after a month of being on it I try to get off it thinking I'm fine. I would go a few days without taking any and then have a sleep twitch that woke me up and would take a Clonazepam so I could sleep. That was a huge mistake.

I think starting and stopping it so frequently really jacked my system up, I started to get really depressed and hopeless about my situation after another month with not feeling like any progress was being made (because of the starting and stopping of meds) and my doctor recommended I try getting on Zoloft (Sertraline). The next few weeks was probably the worst thing I've ever experienced. Not only going through Clonazepam withdrawal BUT ALSO going through the starting stages of taking and SSRI. Man, let me tell you, I thought I had seen rock bottom but I had no idea what that actually was yet. I was barely a functioning person for a month. All I could do was lay on my couch and feel my heart hammering in my head and chest all day everyday for a month straight. I had to take Lunesta to get any sort of sleep and it was a really shitty sleep.

Six months later I'm finally starting to pull through the tough parts. Everyday doesn't feel like a huge struggle and I'm still not off the Lunesta quite yet but I'm planning on taking the Zoloft for a long while to get myself back up beyond where I was when everything started. I realize now that I've been on a slow downward spiral for the past 5 years (ever since going through the stress of buying a house that turns out needed some costly repairs) and I'm going to try and get myself back to where I was years ago. I only just recently in the past few weeks started getting back into doing the things I used to enjoy doing and even just feeling like things are getting better.

The first 3-4 months of taking SSRIs SUCKS but it seems to be worth it in the long run. If you are starting these or are afraid of starting these and it doesn't feel like it's helping just give them time. It does get better. That little voice in your head will eventually get silenced.
 
Oct 25, 2017
5,835
#64
It's kinda funny. I frequent the SFV thread and I've been reading your posts for years now. But, I never would have guessed we were so similar. Right down to the college major. I ask myself how normal people deal with the world every day. Getting out of bed in the morning and actually getting to class is enough of a struggle for me. Paying attention, doing my work, studying, etc is just more tedium to force myself through. And on top of that, I'm supposed to find the will to better myself and do even more shit just to stand out compared to my peers? I don't get it.

I think it's a good idea to do your best to move out though. I don't know if it's the crux of your issues, or if you'll even relate to what I'm about to say. But, one of the most constant and most depressing feelings I come back to is the thought that I'm so far behind where I should (or could) be. Feeling like my own weakness and inability to act in any meaningful or productive way has stunted me as a person. If nothing else, moving out will give you a greater feeling of independence, which is nice on its own. In any case, I hope you make it out of the place you're in emotionally. You're stronger than you think.
Oftentimes, I think that I'm too much of an outlier to understand anyone else. Or for anyone to understand me. It's why I've always been alone. But reasonably, there have to be others in this world who have at least an idea of what I'm going through, so it's nice to hear from someone on a similar wavelength.

For me, my calling is escapism. I try to drown my thoughts with media, so I don't have to think about real life. SFV, and the unhealthy amount of time I've spent with the game, is a part of this. I'm only able to invest myself in things that don't really "matter." Things that won't advance myself as a person. I wish I could redirect that effort into academia, or some career I want to pursue. But I can't find anything.

I don't know your circumstances, but it at least sounds like you're able to go to school and continue, despite hating it. I think that's an achievement. I can't even make it to class for the most part; I'd rather just stay in bed forever. There are times where I have the thought "this time, I'll definitely do it!" and try to make another attempt at uni, but 3 weeks pass and I remember that I'm a failure who can't keep up with the rest, so I stop.

The thought of being behind where I'd like to be is a relatable one. It's a feeling that had been at the forefront of my thoughts a while ago, and now probably only lies unconsciously as I've grown to care less and less about my life. Change and independence... The issue is that I always feel like I'm in some sort of Catch-22:
  1. Need money to live and be independent.
  2. Need a job to get money.
  3. Need to study to find a decent job.
  4. Need to have the motivation to study.
  5. Need to have something you want to study for that motivation, or people around you that you want to keep up with.
  6. But there is nothing I want to do, and I have no peers.
The solution is simple: "Grow up." Heh, I wish I knew how to. I don't know how, but maybe I can skip from #6 to #1 temporarily, and then fill in the rest later. I don't know. I feel completely incongruous to the type of person that life requires you to be to find happiness.

Having no one you feel comfortable enough to confide in sure sucks, even more so when I have been feeling super down on life as a whole lately, I can't see any good times coming my way in the horizon. I actually think it's all downhill from here, life sucks I wish I could go back in time and keep my mom and dad from procreating me.
I constantly have fantasies about going back in time and changing things for the better. Not as far back as making sure I wasn't born, but far back that I wouldn't need to live with the regrets that plague me on a regular basis. I'm so focused on the past and those regrets that more accumulate. They're going to become too much to bear, soon enough.

Honestly, I don't buy it when people say it gets better. The universe doesn't ensure that things will improve. In fact, things may very well get worse. But I do think that, when this is said, the truth mainly lies in one's perspective on life. I guess that, if someone can endure dark times where they see no light at the end of the tunnel, eventually they'll start to increasingly appreciate the little bits of light that manage to shine through. Maybe one will still be in that dark tunnel, but they'll have gotten accustomed to it, and they'll start paying more attention to the bits of light more and more, such that things start to seem brighter.

I don't know. Still trying to figure this out myself, and when things are supposed to get better.
 
Last edited:
Oct 25, 2017
480
#66
Hey all. I posted this in a different thread back in 2017. Still feels relevant, and I thought it might help some folks :)

Wanted to take a break from gaming talk and share something with my fellow anxious gamers. I wrote this awhile back about my struggle with generalized anxiety, and I found it quite cathartic. I know a lot of you here share my affliction with varying levels of severity, and I also know there’s great comfort in knowing you’re not alone. I hope any of you suffering like I do can read this and find some comfort. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, and you are NEVER alone.

So, hey guys, I’m John. I had to leave work recently because a bout of vertigo left me in fear of my life. In fact, for my ENTIRE life, I’ve been dying of multiple illnesses.

At least, that’s the vast ocean my anxious mind would have me drowning in. I want to tell you about it. This isn’t about how gaming helps me cope (although that IS coming later). This is simply me, talking to you, knowing that many of you suffer as much or worse than I.

I’ve suffered from generalized anxiety for as long as I can remember. I can’t really give you that eureka moment where I was like, “holy shit, I may have generalized anxiety!”. That’s not how this works. I don’t think there was that one moment where I questioned why I’m always worried about the worst possible scenario. That’s just my reality, and I can hardly fathom a mindset that doesn’t revolve around the terror of being ill. As you’ve guessed, my generalized anxiety manifests itself in hypochondria. Severe, crippling, motherfucking hypochondria. Want an idea of how bad it’s been? In just the past five years, I’ve been convinced I’m dying from:

– A brain tumor
– Heart disease (my ever-present fear)
– Colon cancer
– Kidney failure
– Diabetes
– ALS
– Parkinson’s disease
– Multiple Sclerosis
– Glaucoma
– Macular degenaration
– Detached retina
– Lung cancer (I don’t even smoke)
– Cirrhosis
– Appendicits
– Leukemia
– Lymphoma
– All sorts of other shit

Let me tell you, the ALS and heart stuff were DOOZIES. In late Summer 2012, I suddenly started having heart palpitations (hilariously, I was fighting Ornstein and Smough at the time). I don’t mean a little skipped beat. I mean big, chest-shaking palpitations so thunderous they took my breath away. One. After. The. Other. They wouldn’t stop. I was CONVINCED I was in my final moments. I vividly remember running upstairs in a panic, shedding tears of fear, my saint of a wife trying to calm me down as I lay my head on her chest and wept. I closed my eyes that night and fully expected I wouldn’t wake up, that heart failure would come that night and silently slip away with me. Of course, it didn’t. But the next day I DEMANDED to be seen by a cardiologist. Miraculously, I got an appointment. By miraculously, I mean the nurse could hear the terror in my voice. The friendly old cardiologist with 30 years of experience knew right away I was fine, but to make me feel better he put me through the million-dollar workup. Holter monitor, echocardiogram, and stress test. And yes, I was fine. More than fine! The doc told me I looked as healthy inside as on the outside, and the palps were brought about by my underlying anxiety. His words were, “everyone gets them everyday. Your curse isn’t that you get them. It’s that you FEEL them.”

Then in July 2014, I lost my best friend of 20 years (a fellow gamer and anxiety sufferer with depression and bipolar disorder) to what I strongly believe was suicide. I was inconsolable. That week I noticed a muscle twitch in my hand. It stayed there for three days, same spot. Of course, I asked Dr. Google what it meant, and he screamed “ALS” back at me as loud as possible. I remember sitting on the couch, watching that fucking muscle go to town, thinking about the future that lay in store for me. Like, I’d already DIAGNOSED myself, you know? I KNEW I had ALS. Nothing anyone said mattered. I knew it, right? I was already planning for a future robbed of my motor skills, my wife forced to look after my every need, until my body finally gave out. Scary fucking shit to have on your mind. I dragged myself to a neurologist for confirmation of what I already knew. I was ready for him to hit me with the sad news. Ready to call my wife and tell her…..oh, wait. He gave me a simple strength test, and rather tersely told me I was fine and to not waste his time, as he had patients with real problems.

Ok then. Yes babe, I’ll grab eggs on my way home. My twitch stopped by the time I got to the store, by the way.

Oh, and let me tell you something else. The SHAME I feel when I realize I’m fine is like walking uphill with a backpack full of goddamn bricks. I’m assaulted by images of real people who are actually suffering from real illnesses or watching their loved ones waste away, and I feel ashamed of being afraid of some phantom illness I didn’t have. It makes me feel selfish, you know? Like I’ve disrespected the people who actually live daily with that which I only dread. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unnecessary medical treatments, money I could have put away for my son, only to be told over and over I’m just fine. All of this fills me with a horrible guilt I wish I could free myself of.

Why does this happen to me? I couldn’t really tell you. I grew up in a bad home, with a mother working two jobs to support us because my drunken, violent scumbag of a father routinely spent all we had on strippers, liquor and God knows what else. He used to force me to hide his credit card bills from my mom. I don’t think that’s where it came from, but it certainly didn’t help. Neither did multiple combat tours in the worst possible places on Earth (I don’t regret it, though). So, I can’t tell you why this happens to me. To you. To us. What I CAN tell you is you’re not alone. WE are not alone. If you’re reading this, and you’ve suffered as I have, we’re brothers and sisters. And as your brother, let me share a coping mechanism I learned along the way. Now, this won’t work for you. It was an experience unique to me, and I react to it differently than anyone else would. The point of telling you this is to show you how something as innocuous as a commercial jetliner can literally SAVE you. It’s kind of a story, so bear with me.

I was on my first deployment to Iraq in 2004 with 2nd Marine Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment shuffled between the violent town of Mahmoudiyah and the even worse city of Fallujah. My fellow Marines and I amped up on bravado on our way over, brimming with confidence and warrior mentality as we went to the range, hoisted our rucks, and loaded the CONEX boxes in preparation for war. It’s interesting how things evolve. The first time we got shelled, we tripped over ourselves to throw our flak vests on and stared in grim silence at the ceiling, listening to the explosions and wondering if those mortars had enough power to punch through the sandbag-lined roof of the abandoned factory we slept in. We gripped our rifles as though we’d have to open fire on the mortars if they somehow got through. However, by the end of the first month, when the mortars came as we slept, we simply mumbled, draped our vests over ourselves like blankets, and went back to sleep. By this point, I think a numbness had come over us. We were truly alone in a hostile land completely alien to us, and the lives and people we had left behind seemed like something we had simply dreamt up rather than anything real and tangible.

One night about a month into our deployment, I was standing on the roof of the factory smoking a cigarette and looking out over Mahmoudiyah (under a brick overhang, for minimal coverage should the indirect fire come in). I scanned the city from left to right, then looked up at the night sky. Arab nights are beautiful, ironic given what was happening on the ground. I was looking aimlessly at the stars with not a thought in my head when I noticed one star was blinking red and moving to the West. Within moments I realized it was a plane, flying high in the sky. Not a C130, but a commercial airliner. I was transfixed. What was a common sight back home had become forgotten to me, and it was as though it was the first time I had witnessed such a thing. I began to wonder who was on the plane. Where were they going? Where had they come from? Did they have any idea what was happening right below them? I followed the plane with hungry eyes until I could no longer see it. It was a reminder that no matter how shitty things might be at that moment, the rest of the world wasn’t as far away as I thought, and that one day, I’d be on my own plane up there, going home. And I smiled.

As a result, I developed a habit, or rather a tradition. When things get heavy for me or I just feel stressed out, when the anxiety is too much to bear, to this day I look for planes flying up in the sky at night. And when I find one, I just sit there and watch it until it vanishes. To this day, it reminds me that no matter how bad things may get or how alone I might feel, the rest of the world isn’t as far away as it might seem.

Go find your plane, my dear friends, and know that you are not alone

PS- If anyone ever wants to talk, hit me on Twitter @mistermegative. We do an anxiety podcast on our channel and I'm also involved with TakeThis.org, and I can point you towards some useful resources and people if need be.
 
Oct 27, 2017
4,773
#67
Man I was wondering why I wasn’t getting any updates on the thread. There’s a new one. I hope everyone’s doing ok.
 

nsilvias

Self-requested ban.
Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,759
Chicago
#68
I was diagnosed with anxiety in april of 2018. I had two anxiety attacks, one in the morning as i woke up and a second after i had arrived to the hospital and finally started talking to a doctor(i didn't know they were anxiety attacks) i also was crying and stuff while i was talking to the doctor. 2018 was a bit of a wake up call in my life. I got my GED in March 2018 after passing the tests with literally zero studying or sleep. I've been out of school for 6 years but after passing that test i really wanted to finally go to college. It motivated me to finally start planning it. When i was in highschool i always wanted to go to college but some things happened in high school that led me to dropping out, mainly depression from being inside of the house all day (i wasn't allowed to go out) and watching friends being teenagers thru the internet on facebook. Last year i also had a mole removed from my nose the same month i had my anxiety attacks. Getting that removed gave me a confidence boost since i was self conscious about it. i was going to attend college in the fall 2018 but i backed out because i felt that i really needed to learn to deal with my anxiety. It's now 2019 and i've learned how to cope with it to an extent without medication (can't afford that and probably won't have insurance in a year) but i'm afraid to go back to school. I really do not want to do pre reqs and waste 2 years learning high school shit again. I've tried looking for resources to help me learn these things on my own but i so overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I don't have anyone to walk me thru all this. I'm also worrying about where i'm going to be in a year because my parents are supposedly gonna sell the house since my dad is retired and can't afford it, i'm trying to move out because i currently live with family and this environment is too negative. The news is on all day and i really wish i could be home without having to hear bullshit about trump, immigration, shootings, etc. Being around this takes all the energy out of me and makes me want to jump out of a window. i feel like moving out would be the solution to most of my problems rite now but i need to find a job that will actually pay me enough to rent an apartment. I don't know, i just have alot on my mind. I feel like i was handed a life line with the GED but now i'm not sure how to proceed with all this with anxiety. oh yeah, i also found a lump on body that i don't know if it is cancer or not cause i dont have money for a doctor. supposedly it might be fat from losing weight? i've lost some but i dont know. rite now i think i have cancer...
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,383
#69
I'm so fucking stupid, things get explained to me and keep misunderstanding or forgetting because I have the attention span of a fucking rat. My job is easy enough a rat could do it and I fuck it up too. I'm a burden I really am. I keep failing everyone, the people I care about and to the people who don't I'm a joke.

I keep telling myself im going to be better but I don't know if that's true im so fucking stupid. I don't know if I can be fixed, I even fuck up doing charity. I had to quit serving food because I dropped donated food twice I'm so fucking stupid. I hate myself so much. I've been cutting again, it's the punishment I deserve.

Maybe I should kill myself, if there was a way I could just stop troubling everyone I would. I just want the world to stop hurting, I want people to stop hurting, and I'm only capable of hurting. It's all I know how to do. I hate myself so fucking much, I can't stop needing things and I keep taking up space. I just want to hide in hole and die and have no one find me.

Edit: I deserved the abuse, I was fucked at birth. I'm not going to get better, I can't be better I'm too broken. I'm sorry
 
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Oct 26, 2017
2,052
#70
I'm going to go ahead and cancel the next interview. It's just not worth the risk of what I might do if it goes poorly.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,052
#72
Job interview? What’s the risk?
I had the worst hour of my life today. I went to my first job interview since starting transition. It's been almost two years since I started taking hormones. The interviewer called me a tranny and insinuated we were always causing drama over every little thing. Obviously that led to asking me if I would cause drama if no one bothered to call me by my name. She referred to me as a man the whole time. She said that the manager at the place she was sending me to might just deadname me because they don't care and that the coworkers would probably make fun of me, but she wouldn't really do anything about it. I put on a brave face and said I'd do the job anyway, I figure who am I to ask for better? This is my life now. This is how it will be. No one will respect me, I'll never fit in, and I'll never pass enough to avoid it. I should just get used to it. I finally broke down after filling out the paper work while waiting for the person for awhile to pick it up, and decided I couldn't do it. I'd rather die. She gave me snark about wasting her precious paper and now I'm a wreck. It's not like I interviewed well, I did terrible and made every mistake. It was humiliating in every way possible. I was only offered the job because they'll hire literally anyone.

I keep crying randomly. I'm falling apart. I'm too stupid, too ugly, too incapable. There's nothing for me to offer and no life to look forward to. I have another interview on Friday at a different place and I'm mortified. I keep getting told that there's a friendly place somewhere out there but I don't know how many of these kinds of interviews I can take before it's just not worth it anymore. I just want the pain to end.
It's not just this interview bothering me, I've been mentally unstable for so long, but I've been trying to ram myself into independence asap in order to avoid being a burden to my family. I think I need to accept that it's just not worth what I've done to myself at times to "get the job done." I need to get better.
 
Oct 27, 2017
4,773
#73
It's not just this interview bothering me, I've been mentally unstable for so long, but I've been trying to ram myself into independence asap in order to avoid being a burden to my family. I think I need to accept that it's just not worth what I've done to myself at times to "get the job done." I need to get better.
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve the treatment you were given. Not only were they unprofessional but they were straight up assholes. You don’t treat another person like that. You’re literally not allowed to discriminate like that. I know you really want a job to make things better for your family but how would you have felt working there? Do you think there’s truth to what people tell you when they say there’s a better place out there? LGBT individuals get jobs. I’m sure you’ve seen it. You raise a good point about how you’re perhaps rushing into it and I’m glad you have that insight. Maybe help is what you need right now and that’s ok don’t you think? Have you talked to your family about it? Maybe they’ll understand. Are they supportive of your transition? Maybe you have more time to figure things out than you realize and you can use that time to see a professional. I wanna tell you try just one more job interview but it’s understandable if you don’t feel quite ready so soon after such an unpleasant one.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,052
#74
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve the treatment you were given. Not only were they unprofessional but they were straight up assholes. You don’t treat another person like that. You’re literally not allowed to discriminate like that. I know you really want a job to make things better for your family but how would you have felt working there? Do you think there’s truth to what people tell you when they say there’s a better place out there? LGBT individuals get jobs. I’m sure you’ve seen it. You raise a good point about how you’re perhaps rushing into it and I’m glad you have that insight. Maybe help is what you need right now and that’s ok don’t you think? Have you talked to your family about it? Maybe they’ll understand. Are they supportive of your transition? Maybe you have more time to figure things out than you realize and you can use that time to see a professional. I wanna tell you try just one more job interview but it’s understandable if you don’t feel quite ready so soon after such an unpleasant one.
It’s very legal here. Texas doesn’t protect lgb individuals from job discrimination, let alone trans people. My family probably won’t understand, but it’s not their fault. I’ve never been good at communicating to them just how bad my mental state is, they just assume I’m fine despite being diagnosed with MDD. If they knew my search history and my self-harm history, they’d throw me in a hospital.
 
Oct 27, 2017
4,773
#75
It’s very legal here. Texas doesn’t protect lgb individuals from job discrimination, let alone trans people. My family probably won’t understand, but it’s not their fault. I’ve never been good at communicating to them just how bad my mental state is, they just assume I’m fine despite being diagnosed with MDD. If they knew my search history and my self-harm history, they’d throw me in a hospital.
Oh. I didn’t know. I still encourage you to try again elsewhere once you feel up for it. I’m sorry I can’t be of much help.
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,383
#76
I called a suicide hotline, I'm okay today but yesterday was rough. I don't even think I had a direct trigger so idk why i felt so strongly. God I need new meds or something, all this progress I feel like disappeared over night.
 
Oct 30, 2017
627
#78
Just gonna vent a little here, get some things out of my chest...

I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks. It feels like months have passed. I’ve been going to the gym since, trying to focus on my studies, stressed that I’ve still haven’t found a place to do my 120h of practice for CS bs degree, fighting/forcing myself to keep going forward doing those things and its starting to make me tired of myself. Non stop I’m thinking of all my troubles and her. No matter how hard i try, I’m constantly overthinking again and feel nothing but sadness, regret, demotivation. I decided to print around 50 photos of me and her and write something behind each one, wrote a 5 page letter saying everything I wanted to say but couldn’t manage to tell her when I saw her after we broke up to give her the Valentine’s Day gift I bought early. I did this in an effort to show her what she means to me, to see if i could win her back, but I’m not sure anymore. Constantly torn between “if you love something fight for it” and “if it’s ment to be it will be”.

God this is such a stupid problem. Some of you are going trough worst problems right now, and here I am, crying over someone. I’m sorry, I just really needed to get this out of my chest.
 
Oct 25, 2017
910
Pacific Northwest
#79
What’s the point of seeking out help when I’m too nervous and too incoherent to explain what I’m struggling with

The realization that medical or mental health professionals, like any other people, can be fallible, unhelpful, ignorant, or outright dismissive, just further fosters my sense of hopelessness
 
Oct 28, 2017
1,383
#80
Just gonna vent a little here, get some things out of my chest...

I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks. It feels like months have passed. I’ve been going to the gym since, trying to focus on my studies, stressed that I’ve still haven’t found a place to do my 120h of practice for CS bs degree, fighting/forcing myself to keep going forward doing those things and its starting to make me tired of myself. Non stop I’m thinking of all my troubles and her. No matter how hard i try, I’m constantly overthinking again and feel nothing but sadness, regret, demotivation. I decided to print around 50 photos of me and her and write something behind each one, wrote a 5 page letter saying everything I wanted to say but couldn’t manage to tell her when I saw her after we broke up to give her the Valentine’s Day gift I bought early. I did this in an effort to show her what she means to me, to see if i could win her back, but I’m not sure anymore. Constantly torn between “if you love something fight for it” and “if it’s ment to be it will be”.

God this is such a stupid problem. Some of you are going trough worst problems right now, and here I am, crying over someone. I’m sorry, I just really needed to get this out of my chest.
There is no competition here, you're in pain and you need to post that's all that matters.
 
Oct 25, 2017
6,026
#83
I want to quit my full time job for a better paying part time job but that means no health insurance which means out of pocket which would probably put me in negative.

God I hate America...
 
Oct 25, 2017
435
#84
You're always welcome to share Lakeside.

I've been checking their activity and though they've not posted in awhile they have still been on the forums.
That's good to know, thanks.

Sorry if it seemed like I kinda "barged" in here, I find moments to lurk in here, but haven't had to courage to post about myself yet.
 
Oct 25, 2017
368
#86
Been a long time since I posted in the Mental Health thread. Probably would do good for me to at least kind of be here every once in a while.

Life's been... different lately. Moved out of my parents' house to live with friends who respect me. Finally away from my dad, who has been emotionally and verbally abusive for most of my life.

Since moving out, I've been coming to a few realizations. Namely, I realized that I exhibit some signs of a variant of DID. Don't want to go into too many details, but there are times where a "different me" will take over my body, and I can remember instances of this going back to high school (coincidentally when the abuse was at it's worst). They're largely similar to me but have distinct differences in behaviour, attitude, and even hobbies.

We both generally can remember what the other does as well, but it's very much a foreign feeling when recalling their memories. It feels like watching somebody else.

We're trying to learn how to properly communicate with each other, and we have a therapist appointment scheduled for March 20th that will hopefully help a lot. Or we could end up with a not so good therapist who freaks out and tries to lock us up.

Hoping it goes well. Will hopefully remember to check back in when it's done.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,052
#87
Literally everything I try to do becomes hampered by me being trans. I can't even get my fucking face recognized by the Uber app and it won't let me have any name that's not my legal name shown to customers. Sure Uber, I'll yell about how I'm a fucking "tranny" to the whole fucking world that'll be the SAFEST thing for EVERYONE involved, huh? Can I just do a single thing? I'm just so tired, but here I sit at the end of another day with nothing to show for it. Another day of not doing enough. I can't move forward and can't move back, I can't... I'm just so tired...

Edit: Yeah I think I’m done. I’m half inclined to just get a bottle of wine now, but I’ll sleep on it and see where I am in the morning. I’ll just be a burden for the rest of my life at this rate anyway.

Edit, Edit: I somehow woke up to even more Uber rejection. Now they're saying my "nickname" is too different from my "legal name." No alternatives. I'm getting the message I just can't even be trans and drive for them at this point.
 
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OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,501
#88
What’s the point of seeking out help when I’m too nervous and too incoherent to explain what I’m struggling with

The realization that medical or mental health professionals, like any other people, can be fallible, unhelpful, ignorant, or outright dismissive, just further fosters my sense of hopelessness
Finding the right words to really explain how we're feeling can always be difficult. If you're struggling to say how you're feeling out loud, then I would really recommend that you take the time before you go to any appointments to write down everything that you're feeling. Whether you're having a good day or a bad day, just writing down how you're feeling and having something more concrete to look over, watch mood shifts, and remember both the good and the bad can go a really long way towards both better understanding yourself and giving you something that you can show or pull from when you talk with professionals.

If you need any help figuring out what to write, we're here to help you too!

Been a long time since I posted in the Mental Health thread. Probably would do good for me to at least kind of be here every once in a while.

Life's been... different lately. Moved out of my parents' house to live with friends who respect me. Finally away from my dad, who has been emotionally and verbally abusive for most of my life.

Since moving out, I've been coming to a few realizations. Namely, I realized that I exhibit some signs of a variant of DID. Don't want to go into too many details, but there are times where a "different me" will take over my body, and I can remember instances of this going back to high school (coincidentally when the abuse was at it's worst). They're largely similar to me but have distinct differences in behaviour, attitude, and even hobbies.

We both generally can remember what the other does as well, but it's very much a foreign feeling when recalling their memories. It feels like watching somebody else.

We're trying to learn how to properly communicate with each other, and we have a therapist appointment scheduled for March 20th that will hopefully help a lot. Or we could end up with a not so good therapist who freaks out and tries to lock us up.

Hoping it goes well. Will hopefully remember to check back in when it's done.
Hey Oni, I'm really glad to hear that you're in a healthier environment and that you're taking the right steps to see a therapist to confirm everything. I don't think the chances are very high of anyone trying to lock you up if you are right about this either. I'm pretty sure that's only really done if someone is a danger to themselves or others, and you don't really strike me as that imo. I think that you're going to do great, and I hope it goes well for you!

Literally everything I try to do becomes hampered by me being trans. I can't even get my fucking face recognized by the Uber app and it won't let me have any name that's not my legal name shown to customers. Sure Uber, I'll yell about how I'm a fucking "tranny" to the whole fucking world that'll be the SAFEST thing for EVERYONE involved, huh? Can I just do a single thing? I'm just so tired, but here I sit at the end of another day with nothing to show for it. Another day of not doing enough. I can't move forward and can't move back, I can't... I'm just so tired...

Edit: Yeah I think I’m done. I’m half inclined to just get a bottle of wine now, but I’ll sleep on it and see where I am in the morning. I’ll just be a burden for the rest of my life at this rate anyway.

Edit, Edit: I somehow woke up to even more Uber rejection. Now they're saying my "nickname" is too different from my "legal name." No alternatives. I'm getting the message I just can't even be trans and drive for them at this point.
I'm so sorry to hear that Driggonny. I've definitely considered working for Uber or Lyft before in the past, and while I think Lyft is a little better, neither one is really that great for trans people from what I've heard. You could try looking into Lyft, but would it be at all possible for you to go through with a name change sometime soon? Uber's excuse for not letting you use your name is pretty ridiculous honestly, but they wouldn't be able to make any arguments against it in that kind of situation.

And for what it's worth, I think that you're doing incredible. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to face discrimination head on and still manage to keep your head up and keep looking where you can. You're strong Driggonny, and I know that you're going to make it through this. We're here to help you however we can too.
 
Oct 27, 2017
2,357
London
#89
Hey Fright Zone. Being stuck on a waiting list for therapy is always a bit of a pain. While we're certainly not a substitute for professional help, we're here for you if you want to talk about anything.



Hi there platypus. Would you like to talk to us about what's going on?
Been a while since that post, took time to really compartmentalize my thoughts. I went back to university lately to study CS and I've been having a real rough time of it. I can certainly deal with the course content but it seems like I'm regressing socially. I've never been confident or been great socially but it looks like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. I've been feeling worse and worse as time goes on. I feel a great sense of anxiety, so much so that I just stay indoors and wake up at 1pm or something. Was going to a Chinese New Year dinner round the time I posted this but did not feel like going so I went 'meh, screw this I'll stay in bed'. SSRI's don't help that much anymore, it makes me feel a bit better but that's it. Those negative thoughts and beliefs are a seemingly unstoppable cycle and looks like the dam created .by meds has finally burst.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,501
#91
Been a while since that post, took time to really compartmentalize my thoughts. I went back to university lately to study CS and I've been having a real rough time of it. I can certainly deal with the course content but it seems like I'm regressing socially. I've never been confident or been great socially but it looks like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. I've been feeling worse and worse as time goes on. I feel a great sense of anxiety, so much so that I just stay indoors and wake up at 1pm or something. Was going to a Chinese New Year dinner round the time I posted this but did not feel like going so I went 'meh, screw this I'll stay in bed'. SSRI's don't help that much anymore, it makes me feel a bit better but that's it. Those negative thoughts and beliefs are a seemingly unstoppable cycle and looks like the dam created .by meds has finally burst.
I can understand that, and it's definitely something that I've struggled with in the past as well. Have you looked to see if there are any groups meeting up that might interest you on campus?

Going to a group where everyone has a common interest can definitely help break the ice and get over that initial anxiety a bit, but I would really recommend talking to your doctor as well about your medications if you feel that they aren't working. I would also recommend looking over this resource and seeing if you can recognize any thought patterns that you might be falling into : https://www.klearminds.com/blog/cognitive-distortions-thinking-errors-can-cbt-help/


Going to my first ever therapy session today. Don't know what to expect, or what to talk about because I hate every aspect of my life lmao
That's a very understandable feeling to have when heading into your first therapy session. They'll be there to guide you and help figure things out, so don't worry too much about that. If you find that you do struggle with it past the first few meetings, I would really recommend just writing down how you're feeling before-hand. It can be vague, precise, and about anything, but having a record that you can look back over or show to a therapist is always helpful. Good luck Passive! I hope it goes great!
 
Oct 27, 2017
14,026
#92
I got laid off this morning. I had been killing myself for this current job and I got laid off all the same. I'm so tired of being in this position but at least they gave me two months to stay there and look for something else.

I'm tired and the office was cool enough to just let me go home to hash it out. I don't know what I'm going to do now but I'm very worried I'm going to spiral into a bad depression.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,501
#93
I got laid off this morning. I had been killing myself for this current job and I got laid off all the same. I'm so tired of being in this position but at least they gave me two months to stay there and look for something else.

I'm tired and the office was cool enough to just let me go home to hash it out. I don't know what I'm going to do now but I'm very worried I'm going to spiral into a bad depression.
I'm so sorry to hear that Bwoog. Getting laid off is never easy, but you do have a bit of time before you need to find another job. While I would really recommend jumping into applying stuff sooner rather than later, if you need to take a little time to just process things, you can afford to take it. What kind of depressive thoughts do you usually deal with?
 
Oct 27, 2017
14,026
#94
I'm so sorry to hear that Bwoog. Getting laid off is never easy, but you do have a bit of time before you need to find another job. While I would really recommend jumping into applying stuff sooner rather than later, if you need to take a little time to just process things, you can afford to take it. What kind of depressive thoughts do you usually deal with?
I started Zoloft a few years ago. Some pretty bad suicidal thoughts for a spell.

I've already started reaching out to contacts to attempt to set something new up and I just have to be thankful that my wife has a really good job with good health insurance because if I couldn't get my prescription, I don't know what I'd do.
 
Oct 25, 2017
2,700
#96
My physical health has really taken a turn for the worse this year. It was bad way back in 2013 (when I first wrote my suicide note, edited countless times since) but as the fibro has progressed (despite doctors claiming it can't), I've found myself picking up more symptoms and both the pain and fatigue have reached unbearable levels. All of this has had an understandable impact on my mental health. I no longer feel like myself. I don't smile anymore. My voice rarely changes volume, just a dull monotone. On the rare occasions when I'm able to go out, people will tell me to smile and I try but it looks ghastly. The eyes can't lie. The end result is that people just don't want to me around me anymore. I'm a downer, a reminder of how horrible life can get with poor genetic luck. I think the worst part is that I don't even care. I'd rather suffer in silence.

I think every year will be my last and yet, I keep on trucking, despite enjoying very little of anything anymore. I can't concentrate on games or television/movies because of the pain, I just languish in bed, try to sleep as much as possible. I have a doctor appointment in a week and I'll try somehow to convey the seriousness of the situation but we've gone through every treatment option possible (aside from strong painkillers, which she refuses to prescribe). What is left, really? 2019 will definitely be my last year, short of some miraculous medical breakthrough. I'm okay with it. Non-existence is a hell of a lot better than the hell I'm living in now.
 
Oct 25, 2017
910
Pacific Northwest
#97
Finding the right words to really explain how we're feeling can always be difficult. If you're struggling to say how you're feeling out loud, then I would really recommend that you take the time before you go to any appointments to write down everything that you're feeling. Whether you're having a good day or a bad day, just writing down how you're feeling and having something more concrete to look over, watch mood shifts, and remember both the good and the bad can go a really long way towards both better understanding yourself and giving you something that you can show or pull from when you talk with professionals.

If you need any help figuring out what to write, we're here to help you too!
Thanks for the advice and for the kind words. Writing down my thoughts and feelings has been something I’ve been considering for a while, and something I know would be helpful. But with my concentration and cognition so shot it feels like such a hurdle, even though I used to consider writing my strength. I feel like I’m shying away from any task that feels intellectually challenging out of the fear of the idea of my mind declining, which just further contributes to the brain fog. It’s a spiral I don’t know how to pull myself out of currently, and one that really does a number on my sense of hope and motivation.

All the same, thanks for providing a supportive space here.
 
Oct 25, 2017
118
#98
A little over two years ago I had a bout of Psychosis. I never ended up having to stay in hospital because of it, but I did live under the delusion for months before it came to a head. Luckily here in the UK we have a good mental health service, the early intervention team really did a lot for me. I finished up my two years of therapy and medication, I have been without either for a few months now. The Psychiatrist diagnosed me with Schizoaffective disorder and GAD.

I recently started dating, and I don't know if I can handle the stress of being in a relationship. We've only been dating for a little over a month, but as soon as the first problem in the relationship happened my GAD just went haywire. I've been having intrusive thoughts that have been really effecting my mood, I have moments even days when everything is fine. Eventually though I fall back into the same brain booby traps and the cycle starts again. I like this girl, and she knows that I had a bout of Psychosis. I am afraid that my mental health is going to break us apart. If we do break up, I don't know how long it will be before I'll be able to muster the courage to date again. In some ways I feel like a person learning how to walk again, but instead of the muscles being atrophied they are overpowered and wrecking everything.

I'm going to contact my GP tomorrow and see if they can help get me in contact with a therapist, and if they think I should go back on my meds I will.
 
Oct 26, 2017
2,052
#99
I don’t know what to do anymore... even if I could find a job I can’t imagine myself being anything but miserable. It doesn’t feel like I was ever meant to live a full life.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,501
I don't know what to do. My fiance is deeply depressed, seeing an alternative form of counselling that seems to be hurting her more than helping, and it's having a huge impact on her and us.

I've been with my now-fiance for six years, who is currently going through a deep depression that has me (and her and my family) very worried. In the past she would sometimes be low, and there have always been signs that she has issues with anger and emotional escalation. But for the last 10 or so months it's been so much worse on her.

She sleeps in all day, only getting up to watch tv on the couch for hours. Makes a mess and barely cleans up. She binges on junk food constantly and has gained a lot of weight, which I know is only amplifying her sadness with the wedding coming up. She has no motivation to do things or see friends. We don't spend nearly as much time together, when we are together she has me doing the most minor of tasks for her as she just has zero motivation - asking me to get up and grab her a blanket or water, having to go get her groceries or dinner before a shift, etc. If I don't do it then she won't either and will just be sad. When it gets really bad, she'll says things like 'I just don't want to exist anymore' and it just kills me.

A difficult element is that for these ten months she's been seeing an 'Energy Healer' - a registered massage therapist who incorporates spiritual guidance into what she does - who has been talking with her and getting her to explore / dive into these feelings head first. From what my fiance has told me, her healing process is getting the person struggling to lean into her darker feelings and urges so that they don't control you anymore - binge, and do nothing, and not see anyone if you don't want to, etc. She barely goes outside.

And yet she hasn't been given any tools to recover at this point. I will say that she's become a bit more mindful of her struggles and reactions, but I've never seen her this low and now she's become dependant on these sessions. And completely against hearing any kind of concern relating to them. She's a shell of herself right now and it's so hard to see her like this every single day.

Making it even harder, another aspect is her emotional escalation and issues with anger mentioned before, which make talking about this with her incredibly hard. It's super easy to get into a highly emotional fight, which makes me reluctant and scared to even go there because it mostly ends up with yelling and 'that I don't understand' and that I need to adjust to be more flexible to what she needs right now.

We get into varying levels of fights every other week or so, either because she's overly critical of something/me and doesn't want to hear any other opinion, or she's just so low that something is bound to go wrong and upset her which results in lashing out. It's tough and these fights are so different than before, now that she's being encouraged and validated about these sad/angry feelings. She yells or locks herself in the bedroom or bath and just leaves me crying on the floor because she gets so mad.

So I'm having a really hard time. I feel like I'm alone in this relationship, and am beginning to resent that I'm getting taken advantage of sometimes and having to bend too far to be what she says she needs me to be (even though I feel like I'm giving her 100% of myself).

I've started to see a therapist about my struggles with this in our relationship, and the emotional impacts it's had on me. That's been helpful, but the person I'm seeing has shown concern about someone receiving non-formal treatment for something so serious. But I don't know if I could ever bring that up with her without just completely throwing her off the deep end.

So I just feel like I'm stuck, and unsure where to go with this. I want to support her through her depression but I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Should I trust the process with the Energy Healer my fiance is going through? Should I be concerned enough to bring it up as an issue, risking big impacts on our relationship?

Thanks y'all.
Hey castlegar. That's a really tough situation to deal with honestly. It can be hard to support the people we care about when we feel like they're doing something that won't really help them. Personally speaking, I don't think I would feel that something like that is working, and I would bring it up. While it might have a big impact on your relationship, there are softer ways to bring it up. Like, mentioning the kinds of things that you do with your therapist, and whether they're helping you or not. Not necessarily in a passive aggressive way, but just talking about your day and letting her hear about your experiences might help push her towards it.

My physical health has really taken a turn for the worse this year. It was bad way back in 2013 (when I first wrote my suicide note, edited countless times since) but as the fibro has progressed (despite doctors claiming it can't), I've found myself picking up more symptoms and both the pain and fatigue have reached unbearable levels. All of this has had an understandable impact on my mental health. I no longer feel like myself. I don't smile anymore. My voice rarely changes volume, just a dull monotone. On the rare occasions when I'm able to go out, people will tell me to smile and I try but it looks ghastly. The eyes can't lie. The end result is that people just don't want to me around me anymore. I'm a downer, a reminder of how horrible life can get with poor genetic luck. I think the worst part is that I don't even care. I'd rather suffer in silence.

I think every year will be my last and yet, I keep on trucking, despite enjoying very little of anything anymore. I can't concentrate on games or television/movies because of the pain, I just languish in bed, try to sleep as much as possible. I have a doctor appointment in a week and I'll try somehow to convey the seriousness of the situation but we've gone through every treatment option possible (aside from strong painkillers, which she refuses to prescribe). What is left, really? 2019 will definitely be my last year, short of some miraculous medical breakthrough. I'm okay with it. Non-existence is a hell of a lot better than the hell I'm living in now.
I'm so sorry to hear that jb. I can't even imagine the pain that you're going through. I can understand your feelings on not wanting to go out, but I'm sure that the people in your life appreciate having you around when you feel up to it. I really hope that you and your doctor can figure something out. I'm really rooting for you, jb.

Thanks for the advice and for the kind words. Writing down my thoughts and feelings has been something I’ve been considering for a while, and something I know would be helpful. But with my concentration and cognition so shot it feels like such a hurdle, even though I used to consider writing my strength. I feel like I’m shying away from any task that feels intellectually challenging out of the fear of the idea of my mind declining, which just further contributes to the brain fog. It’s a spiral I don’t know how to pull myself out of currently, and one that really does a number on my sense of hope and motivation.

All the same, thanks for providing a supportive space here.
I can definitely understand that feeling, and that brain fog can definitely be a bit of a hurdle to overcome. It's okay if whatever you write about isn't the most coherent or addresses everything that you want it to. Just the act of getting into the habit can help clear your head a little bit, and even if it's messy, it can still help even in a small capacity.

If it still feel daunting to you, then I would recommend just trying to set some small manageable goals with it. Something similar to "I'll write in my journal for 5 minutes once a week" Having a goal that you know you can reach, no matter how small will allow you to see your progress a little better and it will help you to stay on track as well. You can slowly ramp it up over time, but I would start with something small that you know is manageable for you.