Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
You're not alone in feeling that way. There's so much insane shit going on in this world I don't know how some people can so easily block it out. It sounds like you're hitting a negative thought spiral and need to engage in something to break you out of it.

Feel free to hit me up if you need someone.
Sounds pretty bad, do you have enough things to do during the weekend? I find myself mostly sleeping.

And yeah, hateful people will always be around. Don't let those fools ruin your day, as hard as it may be.
Im okay, I did something I needed to do that I haven't let myself do. I got in my car, sat in parking lot and just yelled and cried at everyone who hurts me over the years. It's kind of pathetic but like I haven't given myself the chance to just feel and talk through everything, I'm feeling alot better. I don't really do anger so letting myself just feel through things just let me exist for q moment. I'm hoping that ends my emotional flashback sprial for a bit. Sorry I've been on here so much lately complaining it's just been a hell of a rough patch.
 

mrtastee

Member
Oct 29, 2017
439
The grief of my brothers suicide has set me back so much mentally. I've really hurt good relationships because I just don't feel emotionally available for anything. It's made me really selfish and just overall lost. It's also taken a huge toll on my self esteem. I can't seem to find the motivation to keep working at it because I just feel so empty inside. I don't know what to do about this pain that seemingly will never go away.

I'm also a sufferer of OCD and despite a lot of red flags, I'm still hung up on this girl I was seeing this past year. It's hard to find someone that is also very honest, open, and emotionally intelligent, but still have a lot of baggage that I don't think I can handle. I lapsed on setting proper boundaries and communication but in dealing with this immense grief, Ive been kind of losing my mind.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,746
The grief of my brothers suicide has set me back so much mentally. I've really hurt good relationships because I just don't feel emotionally available for anything. It's made me really selfish and just overall lost. It's also taken a huge toll on my self esteem. I can't seem to find the motivation to keep working at it because I just feel so empty inside. I don't know what to do about this pain that seemingly will never go away.

I'm also a sufferer of OCD and despite a lot of red flags, I'm still hung up on this girl I was seeing this past year. It's hard to find someone that is also very honest, open, and emotionally intelligent, but still have a lot of baggage that I don't think I can handle. I lapsed on setting proper boundaries and communication but in dealing with this immense grief, Ive been kind of losing my mind.
Hey mrtastee

That’s a lot to take on board. Grieving is a hell of a process and to have two things like that magnify on top of each other. From the sounds of things you are doing well holding it together as well as you are.

From the sounds of things you are looking to that past relationship as a form of emotional support and release. What’s your current emotional support system like?

When you go through tragedy like this the key to moving on tends to be just to keep moving. Feelings can be false but respecting the process of your best life even when it’s hard. That’s what gets us through.

As people when we fall apart, structures can hold us together until we find ourselves again
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Im okay, I did something I needed to do that I haven't let myself do. I got in my car, sat in parking lot and just yelled and cried at everyone who hurts me over the years. It's kind of pathetic but like I haven't given myself the chance to just feel and talk through everything, I'm feeling alot better. I don't really do anger so letting myself just feel through things just let me exist for q moment. I'm hoping that ends my emotional flashback sprial for a bit. Sorry I've been on here so much lately complaining it's just been a hell of a rough patch.
Good, I hope that worked.

No need to worry about complaining, it's a place to vent. At least you aren't making threads about tipping or arse wiping.
 

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
302
I can't seem to get some rest. I've been having trouble sleeping these past few days, there's a lot on my mind and lots of decisions to be made. The pressure is killing me slowly, leaving me an emotional wreck and I simply don't know what to do.

I always had this plan: work until July, quit my job if I get the chinese scholarship. It was a good plan and something I was looking forward to but it never crossed my mind that I might not get that scholarship. The university I applied to said they have many applications this year and the competition is fierce. Even so, if I didn't get it I would still work for a little more and then try something else besides the scholarship. Until this past Thursday - my boss said he wants me to travel abroad for 3 weeks, come back, and then travel to another place for 3 weeks. This would be on June 24th. Bear in mind, I don't like this job and I've been questioning my career choice (I have a master's in computer engineering) since I got this job - I'm just doing it for the money, so I can save up some. This got me questioning, the results of the scholarship are around that time, and the application would need my full time to do everything correctly (visa, application, finding a place to stay, all that stuff). If I'm abroad working I will barely have the time to do it, I don't even know if that's possible because some stuff needs me to be there in person, like visa f.e.. All I need to get the scholarship is to have a University that accepts my application, that's it. The scholarship is for another master's degree of my choice, all paid by a company (and no there's no mandatory work or internship for them after it's over).

On top of all that, my girlfriend is going back to China on July 2nd and I have many doubts if I will ever see her again anytime soon. When I told her but I might not be able to accompany her to the airport she started crying. I'm having an hard time dealing with all of this. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I'm trying to hold it all together but I simply can't.

Era, this might not be a big deal to some of you, but I have never been in such position. I having a bad time with this and all I want to do is quit my job, go back to my parents for a little vacation (like 1 or 2 months) and wait for the scholarship response. I feel like shit, I'm trying to have everything and I will end up with nothing.
 

John Kowalski

Member
Oct 27, 2017
7,138
Thinking of investing in opening up to a close friend this week. It's a very important point in life and i'm sort of losing the hang of it, and periods of intense negative thinking are getting a bit too common. Still haven't learned why it happens when it happens, and it's been hurting my perception of and love for close friends. At this point i'm just incredibly exhausted of all the headaches and the emotional and physical weariness. I haven't been open about this to anyone in over six or seven years. But at this point in life i've been extremely lucky to be at the very top of my life so far, and i feel like if i don't make take the step now, it's probably never going to happen. My courage abated by the fear of being a burden or or having ulterior motives, but this is such an important person that i almost want to be open about it to make it easier on future situations for the both of us.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Thinking of investing in opening up to a close friend this week. It's a very important point in life and i'm sort of losing the hang of it, and periods of intense negative thinking are getting a bit too common. Still haven't learned why it happens when it happens, and it's been hurting my perception of and love for close friends. At this point i'm just incredibly exhausted of all the headaches and the emotional and physical weariness. I haven't been open about this to anyone in over six or seven years. But at this point in life i've been extremely lucky to be at the very top of my life so far, and i feel like if i don't make take the step now, it's probably never going to happen. My courage abated by the fear of being a burden or or having ulterior motives, but this is such an important person that i almost want to be open about it to make it easier on future situations for the both of us.
It's a close friend, so I'd say don't be afraid to open up. You'll just have to worry about timing, and how much you share.
That's all.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
Era, this might not be a big deal to some of you, but I have never been in such position. I having a bad time with this and all I want to do is quit my job, go back to my parents for a little vacation (like 1 or 2 months) and wait for the scholarship response. I feel like shit, I'm trying to have everything and I will end up with nothing.
It sounds like kind of a big deal to me, honestly. Not knowing about the results of the scholarship seems like a lot of pressure to live under, and if a job I was just doing for the money wanted me to spend six weeks on the road during that situation I don't know that I'd handle that particularly well.

My experience has been that I can get carried away worrying about future events I don't have any control over and it can really mess me up. Obviously you want that scholarship pretty badly but at this point you've done everything you can do on that end. It's OK to take care of yourself now.

Can you talk to your boss about the request? There might be options for you besides "quit now" and "go on the trip like they want". If there's a possibility you might not see your girlfriend for a while after July, spending time with her might be a good thing. Or, you know, taking a vacation might also be good, provided you're confident you're not going to spend the whole time torturing yourself worrying about the scholarship. :)

Ultimately try to keep in mind that you're not going to wind up with either "everything" or "nothing". Just try to be the best person you can be, and that will be enough.
 

John Kowalski

Member
Oct 27, 2017
7,138
It's a close friend, so I'd say don't be afraid to open up. You'll just have to worry about timing, and how much you share.
That's all.
I feel like i've got to open up mostly because of two reasons (in addition to me needing it), which is that we're working together and going through the final phase of a project and i'll probably need someone to get me up to speed if it affects my output, and because we're nearing a point of distancing because we'll both be looking for jobs in the next month, and, well, i can't be sure if we'll keep in touch, and i'd rather leave at a point of heightened appreciation than not. We are quite literally each other's second brain. As to how much, well, frankly this friend has demonstrated such an excess of empathy, sympathy and friendliness for people that i've got almost zero problems being open about pretty much everything.
 

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
302
It sounds like kind of a big deal to me, honestly. Not knowing about the results of the scholarship seems like a lot of pressure to live under, and if a job I was just doing for the money wanted me to spend six weeks on the road during that situation I don't know that I'd handle that particularly well.

My experience has been that I can get carried away worrying about future events I don't have any control over and it can really mess me up. Obviously you want that scholarship pretty badly but at this point you've done everything you can do on that end. It's OK to take care of yourself now.

Can you talk to your boss about the request? There might be options for you besides "quit now" and "go on the trip like they want". If there's a possibility you might not see your girlfriend for a while after July, spending time with her might be a good thing. Or, you know, taking a vacation might also be good, provided you're confident you're not going to spend the whole time torturing yourself worrying about the scholarship. :)

Ultimately try to keep in mind that you're not going to wind up with either "everything" or "nothing". Just try to be the best person you can be, and that will be enough.
Thank you for your reply.

This is really stressing me out. From what I know there's no other option besides either going to the trip or not going - the clients need us there, what can change is the date, but not by many days. They're going to give me special training for the rest of the month so I can go there prepared, and they're counting on me to stay after all of this.

My girlfriend is going back to China July 2nd and if I go to this work trip before she leaves my country she will need to go to the airport completely alone, and it breaks my heart. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, as much as I can. I might not even see her anymore, I don't know.

I feel sad, confused and uncertain.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I feel like i've got to open up mostly because of two reasons (in addition to me needing it), which is that we're working together and going through the final phase of a project and i'll probably need someone to get me up to speed if it affects my output, and because we're nearing a point of distancing because we'll both be looking for jobs in the next month, and, well, i can't be sure if we'll keep in touch, and i'd rather leave at a point of heightened appreciation than not. We are quite literally each other's second brain. As to how much, well, frankly this friend has demonstrated such an excess of empathy, sympathy and friendliness for people that i've got almost zero problems being open about pretty much everything.
Investing sounds like a good option then.
I would say go for it, considering you're partnered up it would be great to have someone who understands your situation if your work might get affected.
 

Sophia

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Moderator
Oct 25, 2017
1,721
The effects of burnout from school are real. I feel like I didn't get enough "me time" to recover after the past few weeks, especially with everyone bugging me this weekend. x.x;

Saving grace is that I'm caught up now, so I can start this week on a good spot...
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
Good, I hope that worked.

No need to worry about complaining, it's a place to vent. At least you aren't making threads about tipping or arse wiping.
The good news it absolutely worked. Sometimes you just need to let yourself be weak and just feel for a bit. Todays been productive, I'm motivated and I'm thinking about what I want to do.

I've realised something too, I've been setting Ohio as my location to leave here because it was convenient. I'm so certain im going to screw up everything and be homeless I'm actively planning around my own failures. I could literally go anywhere in America and im choosing next door, barely a escape. I need to have faith in myself and thats my first place start. Next cbt session I'm making it clear I want that to be my goal.

I'm thinking of getting a cheaper tattoo in the mean time soonish (with in 9 months let's say) something as a mark to remind myself of my worth or strength. Might be a word, deciding what but I feel its important.

I have alot to learn, I have no clue where to start but I'm determined
 

shaneo632

Member
Oct 29, 2017
10,642
Essex, UK
Anyone else struggle to sleep nightly? Just the thought of dying in the night wigs me the fuck out despite being a seemingly healthy 30 year old. I have to wait until I'm near exhaustion to fall asleep.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,746
So life update:

Just come off a Netflix binge of a show that was definitely bad for me/full of triggers. Just when my most complicated friendship starts to dethaw and I’m in my head analysing it through the empathetic headspace of an awful fictional character.

Being with family is going to make things better, but I haven’t been alone and unstructured in almost 3 months and I’m about to go back to that which I’m not looking forward to.

Thanks to an enlightening thread on ERA gaming side, and followed by a whole bunch of research I’m learning/(in complete denial) about existing somewhere on the spectrum, how that informs both my past and future experiences. Mostly that just means I’m withdrawing into myself and using dating apps to try and tether myself to society. It’s not going great but I may have made one friend so... we’ll see. Fresh starts are hard when socialising is your kryptonite.
 

RoyalJCC

Member
Oct 27, 2017
302
So I talked to my boss and told him I can't go to the trip, he was totally fine with it. I bet lots of people want to go on my place.

Now I have the time to focus on myself and what I want, in the meanwhile I'll stay here and just save up some more. I took one week off so I can accompany my girlfriend to the airport so we can do a proper goodbye. It's going to be hard, it already is.

I need to focus on what I want. I want to feel happy again, no more constante frustration and sadness. I've been crying for 3 days now and when I'm not I'm just numb. But I need to find my path and work for it, enjoy life again.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
I'm really glad to hear that RoyalJCC. It's good that you're giving yourself some space to be with the people you care about.

I would say you should definitely allow yourself to feel sad. You're going through some difficult transitions and a really tremendous amount of stress - I wouldn't be surprised that anybody in your situation would be feeling overwhelmed!

Shane, I fall asleep just fine but then wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for hours... I know why it's happening and I'm working to deal with the root causes but I don't expect it to be quick or easy. Eating right, sleeping a regular schedule, and exercising are so hard when I'm going through challenges!

Yagyujubei I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer. Honestly it sounds like you should definitely be talking to a professional - do whatever you need to stay safe.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
Anyone else struggle to sleep nightly? Just the thought of dying in the night wigs me the fuck out despite being a seemingly healthy 30 year old. I have to wait until I'm near exhaustion to fall asleep.
That sounds incredibly tiring friend, im sorry you go through that

So life update:

Just come off a Netflix binge of a show that was definitely bad for me/full of triggers. Just when my most complicated friendship starts to dethaw and I’m in my head analysing it through the empathetic headspace of an awful fictional character.

Being with family is going to make things better, but I haven’t been alone and unstructured in almost 3 months and I’m about to go back to that which I’m not looking forward to.

Thanks to an enlightening thread on ERA gaming side, and followed by a whole bunch of research I’m learning/(in complete denial) about existing somewhere on the spectrum, how that informs both my past and future experiences. Mostly that just means I’m withdrawing into myself and using dating apps to try and tether myself to society. It’s not going great but I may have made one friend so... we’ll see. Fresh starts are hard when socialising is your kryptonite.
I'm glad you're pushing. No matter what you are valid no matter what you end up learning.
 

Hawkster

Member
Mar 23, 2019
163
So.... I had a friend who's a moderator in one server I was in and we interacted a bit on DM. However, when I was no longer in her friend's list, I got worried and tried to reach out via DM.

Unfortunately, I crossed some lines in being persistent in my attempts to reach out and the other staff members decided to ban me from the server as it was considered harassment. I contacted one of the staff members and they did give me a means to make a form of appeal for my ban to be revoked. Its just a matter of waiting till they make a decision by the end of this month.

However, its not the fact that I got banned and trying to amend it by making an appeal that weighs heavily on me mentally and emotionally. Its the fact that how I hurt that friend. It felt like I took advantage of her hospitality and betrayed her trust.
Hell, I owe her an apology big time for this cuz the behavior I did was not acceptable.

Now, I could simply send an apology via reddit (She has a reddit account) PM and hopefully she'll accept it so long its an honest and earnest apology within this week or next week. But given the fact that it's been been like 5 or 6 days since that incident and my frequent attempts to contact her in DM prior to the ban made her uncomfortable, contacting her now is probably gonna make things worse. So my other option is give it some time and wait whether my ban appeal has been accepted, then send the apology message.

All in all, the situation is unfortunate due to my lack of social skills and I hope its something I learn from this and not repeat it ever again.
 

Roygbiv95

Member
Jan 24, 2019
668
So I was visiting my grandparents yesterday after taking some ambien and xanax to calm my nerves and I can't remember everything that happened. I remember bits and pieces, like calmly trolling my grandpa (a trump supporter) by asking him why he voted for trump, how trump is a chaos maestro at best, and I think I tied that into a spiel about game of thrones and how the point of the show was about the way power corrupts, and how the show is critical of the human dark triad tendency of wanting to win for the sake of winning. I also remember nonchalantly referring to his armchair as a throne several times which made him quite angry lol.

Some other bits and pieces: talking to my grandma about watching a documentary about Freddie Mercury vs the Bohemian Rhapsody biopic (I honestly have no idea if this actually happened or was dreamt) , talking to my aunt about a scrape and dent on my grandfather's car that he thought I was responsible for, me inspecting the car wondering where the dent was, a conversation about how I took out the trash and cleaned their house while they were out of town, etc.

I remember being very calm the entire time. When I woke up this morning to drive back home I literally couldn't remember even going to bed and falling asleep the previous night. I just kinda woke up and was like, "wait, when did I go to bed!?" Even now, my memory is very hazy regarding what went down that day. i keep wondering about what might've happened that I can't recall. In addition to the bits and pieces of what happened that day there seems to be a chunk of the evening that I can't remember at all.
 
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BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
Hi Marow! First off I want to say that I really appreciate your posting. I know there's still quite a lot of stigma associated with mental illness and it can be really difficult to talk about these things. My feeling on this is that it is important to talk about nevertheless; that feeling of isolation one gets from not talking about it is one of the worst things about mental illness for me.

As far as how SSRIs affect someone, there's not really one straightforward answer. They can affect a lot of different people in a lot of different ways. That monotone feeling - a phrase I've read is "emotional blunting" - is definitely something that can happen from SSRIs, but it's not something that always happens. Sometimes they can result in having a full range of emotions but those emotions feeling less... dangerous. For me, I got to the point where I would be afraid to feel certain ways because it was a sign that I was going to crash; it was just an out of control roller coaster. Having some sort of emotional equilibrium is what I look for from SSRIs.

Anyway, different SSRIs affect different people in different ways, and if you take one and you're not good with how it's making you feel there are plenty of other options.

The one thing I will mention is that for me, combining SSRIs with therapy has been pretty pivotal in getting the most out of them. SSRIs and other treatments didn't so much get rid of depression as change what was possible for me, and therapy has helped me make the most out of those possibilities.

I can definitely relate to school anxiety - this was a really big thing for me. Like you, it wasn't any concern about my academic performance - it was more things like registering for classes, meeting with advisers, finding where classes are. Regarding your study habits, right now you can get away with all that last-minute stuff because you're really smart, but you will probably reach a point where that won't work anymore. That's one of the difficult things about being smart, one doesn't necessarily have to learn good study habits until much farther along than most other people.

Yes, depression definitely changes over time. In ways that can be pretty insidious, actually. My finding is that depression will adapt to wherever I am, and the cognitive distortions will change depending on that. Basically depression lies to me. It changes those lies depending on where I am and what will be most effective.

Regarding sleep: I would recommend that you work really hard to get on a regular sleep schedule. I know that's hard when you're in school but not sleeping regularly or enough can wreak havoc on a person emotionally. Even if you think you feel fine, nobody is fine after being up for 36 hours - if it doesn't hit you there and then, my experience is that I wind up paying with a vengeance down the line.

Anyway, hope some of this helps!
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,363
Germany
I feel so fucking awkward whenever i have to speak urgh. Even when its just a regular conversation. Its like my brain takes apart every sentence and lets me know how dumb/wrong it is.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
I think it's a completely different story.
You aren't chasing me or anyone here away. You think that maybe you are chasing people away because you're afraid you might ruin a potential friendship or something?
Cause it seems to me like you are sabotaging every chance at making friends, and maybe even the relationship you have with your girlfriend.
So you haven't lost her, and I think you should reconsider the fact that you said you lost everything you cared about.. honestly it bothers me a bit that you dismiss something you have just like that. Recognize that you have something that others here, myself included, are still hoping to have.

I really think you should have a good talk with her about this, ask her how she perceives you. How her friends perceive you.
It might offer you insight.
I probably do sabotage everything, I can't even hold a simple cashier job down. Friendships, family, etc.
I don't know how to make friends, they leave. I wonder what I did or didn't do. So, I gave up.
I don't know why I'm broken.

My girlfriend knows everything, we've been together for 10 years. There is nothing she doesn't know.
She's been to my mom's funeral, she's spent days at the hospital with me, helping out my step dad with adoption papers for my useless baby popping crackhead sister who gives kids up for adoption, and all the other bullshit.

She's already told me to talk to a therapist again. I try not to bug her with my shit. I already have enough in the 10 years we've been together.
Her friends? I don't talk to them, ever. They don't think anything of me.
She's been through it all with me, I don't dismiss her and please don't tell me to recognize that because I sure as hell do.

It's so hard to find any type of help when you're completely broke.
I'm tired of living like this and constant fucking intrusive thoughts.

I'm always angry nowadays

I feel so fucking awkward whenever i have to speak urgh. Even when its just a regular conversation. Its like my brain takes apart every sentence and lets me know how dumb/wrong it is.
Pretty much me too, I can't hold a conversation for shit. I find myself having a easier time talking to elderly people though.
I was with my girlfriend at her eye appointment and while waiting for her an elderly lady struck up a convo, it was actually not a train wreck.


I hate my life. if i go right or left i fail whichever way i go. i should have the medical option to end my life.
Stay strong Yagyujubei ... we've been in this thread far too long...

Anyone else struggle to sleep nightly? Just the thought of dying in the night wigs me the fuck out despite being a seemingly healthy 30 year old. I have to wait until I'm near exhaustion to fall asleep.
30 here and yea, 14 years of this shit. The really bad suicidal thoughts started around 2015 when my mom died.
Music drowns out the thoughts, it's what keeps me from doing bad things to myself..
 
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Phantom Thief

User-Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
27,597
All I’m asking for at this point is for everything to stop, I am literally incapable of taking much more of all of it.

I have barely held myself together for the last few weeks, and I feel like I am this close to just unravelling, and once that happens, that will be it, there will be no coming back from it.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,651
Edit: Actually I'll post this later when I'm thinking clearly, good thing happened is all ill say.
I did see your post before hand, and if you'd like to keep anything hidden from people who have not posted in this thread, you can use the hide tags.

They look like this [8hide] hidden content here [8/hide] with the 8's removed

All I’m asking for at this point is for everything to stop, I am literally incapable of taking much more of all of it.

I have barely held myself together for the last few weeks, and I feel like I am this close to just unravelling, and once that happens, that will be it, there will be no coming back from it.
Hey there Phantom, would you be willing to tell us a little more about what's bothering you?
 

Phantom Thief

User-Requested Ban
Banned
Oct 25, 2017
27,597
I did see your post before hand, and if you'd like to keep anything hidden from people who have not posted in this thread, you can use the hide tags.

They look like this [8hide] hidden content here [8/hide] with the 8's removed



Hey there Phantom, would you be willing to tell us a little more about what's bothering you?
Hidden content
You need to reply to this thread in order to see this content.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
I've decided to stop smoking weed for a while after smoking daily for 10+ years.
Not only because I can no longer afford it but because I am convinced it has a negative effect on me more than positive in my life atm.
I have to try something because at the moment I'm not going anywhere but towards my death.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I've had a little meet and greet with my psychiatrist.

That sort of curbed the bad feels that have been chasing me for awhile.
Unfortunately I'm suffering from physical aches now, I've hurt my lower back a bit and I have a pretty bad headache that turns into a migraine at the end of the day.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
I've decided to stop smoking weed for a while after smoking daily for 10+ years.
Not only because I can no longer afford it but because I am convinced it has a negative effect on me more than positive in my life atm.
I have to try something because at the moment I'm not going anywhere but towards my death.
Making steps against dependence is a very good place to start making change. This is great to hear friend.

I've had a little meet and greet with my psychiatrist.

That sort of curbed the bad feels that have been chasing me for awhile.
Unfortunately I'm suffering from physical aches now, I've hurt my lower back a bit and I have a pretty bad headache that turns into a migraine at the end of the day.
I'm glad you had some help, that's awful to hear about the physical pain. Migraines tend to also manifest until the mental space so I really hope you're psychiatrist is helping to prevent that.
That sounds like an immense amount of pressure from not only surroundings but yourself. My hearts out to you, cycles that that are suffocation
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I'm glad you had some help, that's awful to hear about the physical pain. Migraines tend to also manifest until the mental space so I really hope you're psychiatrist is helping to prevent that.
The migraine is probably more of a direct result of physical discomfort, I've hurt my lower back in the gym.

The rest I'll deal with somewhere this week.
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
Making steps against dependence is a very good place to start making change. This is great to hear friend.
I appreciate it, hope your doing ok today.

The migraine is probably more of a direct result of physical discomfort, I've hurt my lower back in the gym.

The rest I'll deal with somewhere this week.
I did a small workout yesterday and am sore as well, my mind was racing more than usual without weed so I just got up and exhausted myself. It helped a bit...
I tend to push myself too much though when I know I should ease myself back into working out.
Hope you feel better!
 

CharGP02A

Member
Nov 23, 2017
781
My situation:

General sound mental health. However, I put myself in a situation that has amplified my social anxiety and stress. I work in IT full time but decided to get a 20 hour a week part time job at Starbucks. Because I'm trans, their health insurance is going to pay for my surgeries so I made sacrifices to my personal life. However, the people I work with are in cliques and it's really annoying. I keep getting yelled at more than others for just dumb stuff. This happens all the time. However, if someone else makes a mistake, it's not as amplified.

Because of the two jobs, I work 60 hours a week every single week. This includes Saturdays and Sundays so I work 7 days a week and have done so since November. I had a couple vacations in between but those sucked because the people that came with me pretty much relied on me to do everything and it was not very relaxing. I'm just concerned that I'm getting burned out and I want to stop it from happening. I can't quit Starbucks though. I need the insurance for my transition. I'm simply just sick of this crap.
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
I did a small workout yesterday and am sore as well, my mind was racing more than usual without weed so I just got up and exhausted myself. It helped a bit...
I tend to push myself too much though when I know I should ease myself back into working out.
Hope you feel better!
I am usually okay, but I mostly like to hurt myself. However this is less muscle and more actual spine stuff and that makes it less than ideal.

It's uncomfortable to sit or walk with lots of weight especially. I might have to skip going tonight even though I really want to.
 

BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
That really sucks Char. Staying sane while trans is Nintendo hard what with all the absurd social pressures we have to deal with. If there's any help we can provide don't hesitate to ask.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
Edit: might be worse to delete it I'm sorry im so indecisive, if anyone has money troubles and would be offended I apologize I'm censoring the post


Been me all day, things happened fast and im just in this weird state. I'm not sure what emotion I'm in im just like.... what.

This is the most privileged post ever, I also feel like I should just disappear cause like I dont deserve this and others need the help. I'm like happy, sick, scared, excited, and I have this look on my face that's just really confusing to everyone looking at me.

I dont know how to take shit in, I didnt have this far planned out yet.

Edit edit: I'm doing good this morning, sorry about that. I'm really not used to good things happening so it kinda freaked me out. But yeah, I'm alright, I'm planning. I'm going to leave here soon, I'm finally going to make something of myself
 
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BadAlchemy

Member
May 2, 2019
145
Hi Evil Monkey. I understand where you're coming from. I got a fair amount of money after my dad died that allowed me to make some long-term positive changes in my life I wouldn't have been able to make otherwise. Like you I'm acutely aware that I have been given opportunities others haven't. Over time I've come to accept that it's OK for me to celebrate good fortune and good things that happen in my life. I'm pretty sure everyone here knows the world isn't, on a fundamental level, just, pretty sure everyone here has had some bad things happen to them that they didn't deserve. Rather than denigrating my good fortune, I try to work as much as I can to make sure that everyone has the opportunities I've had.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
Hi Evil Monkey. I understand where you're coming from. I got a fair amount of money after my dad died that allowed me to make some long-term positive changes in my life I wouldn't have been able to make otherwise. Like you I'm acutely aware that I have been given opportunities others haven't. Over time I've come to accept that it's OK for me to celebrate good fortune and good things that happen in my life. I'm pretty sure everyone here knows the world isn't, on a fundamental level, just, pretty sure everyone here has had some bad things happen to them that they didn't deserve. Rather than denigrating my good fortune, I try to work as much as I can to make sure that everyone has the opportunities I've had.
Its bizzare how poor I handle things working out beyond my expectations. Today I'm thinking clear though, and right now I'm reading alot about different cities, how to budget, and trying to think of a word to tattoo into my chest do I have a reminder of self worth. I think this is easier to accept when I consider it a gift from my mom and my grandmother
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
My fucking mind can't stop racing even MORE without weed.
I have to get up and just start working out to absolutely exhaust myself then five minutes later it's back to the same shit.
12+ years of smoking this daily definitely has had a negative impact on me....

I'm such a mess holy hell.

I'm trying so so hard to not go back to that really dark place.

Not giving in ...
 
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OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,651
My situation:

General sound mental health. However, I put myself in a situation that has amplified my social anxiety and stress. I work in IT full time but decided to get a 20 hour a week part time job at Starbucks. Because I'm trans, their health insurance is going to pay for my surgeries so I made sacrifices to my personal life. However, the people I work with are in cliques and it's really annoying. I keep getting yelled at more than others for just dumb stuff. This happens all the time. However, if someone else makes a mistake, it's not as amplified.

Because of the two jobs, I work 60 hours a week every single week. This includes Saturdays and Sundays so I work 7 days a week and have done so since November. I had a couple vacations in between but those sucked because the people that came with me pretty much relied on me to do everything and it was not very relaxing. I'm just concerned that I'm getting burned out and I want to stop it from happening. I can't quit Starbucks though. I need the insurance for my transition. I'm simply just sick of this crap.
Thank you for sharing this with us Char. Working 60 hours a week non-stop for 7 months sounds incredibly difficult and I can only imagine how much that must be weighing down on you. I have heard that Starbucks is really great at helping out with health insurance for those surgeries, but is there no other option available to you? Does your other employer have any healthcare options that might help?
 

CharGP02A

Member
Nov 23, 2017
781
Thank you for sharing this with us Char. Working 60 hours a week non-stop for 7 months sounds incredibly difficult and I can only imagine how much that must be weighing down on you. I have heard that Starbucks is really great at helping out with health insurance for those surgeries, but is there no other option available to you? Does your other employer have any healthcare options that might help?
I had health insurance with my IT employer but they only paid for my pills and my therapist. They don't cover anything else. Quitting Starbucks would be bad because I already had a consultation with a surgeon so dropping this now would be just dumb. I'm just trying to figure out how I can manage all this.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,533
I’m so happy to read about your opportunity Evil Monkey DTT !

This is the prologue of a new fruitful chapter in your life. Hopefully it’ll give others hope that surprises can suddenly appear to improve their lives for the better and to never give up.

It’s not boasting don’t worry, I’m happy to read your positivity.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,801
USA West Virginia
I’m so happy to read about your opportunity Evil Monkey DTT !

This is the prologue of a new fruitful chapter in your life. Hopefully it’ll give others hope that surprises can suddenly appear to improve their lives for the better and to never give up.

It’s not boasting don’t worry, I’m happy to read your positivity.
Thank you, I think its sunken in and I just want to make sure I do this right. I'm exploring cities on the east coast looking for entry level positions and rent expenses. Its not alot of money but realisticly this will have to be enough. So im in super learn everything mode. Its scary but I really dont want to waste this, as soon as my partner visits and leaves I'm acting on this.