Mental Health Era |OT2| Community and Understanding

Dhuggs_

Member
Oct 27, 2017
456
New Jersey
Having one of the days where I’d rather just laugh than cry. I truly cannot stand people and it reaffirms why I only interact with my fiancé nowadays.
 

Boddy

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,773
Of course, thanks. Taking medicine is a huge issue, not that she doesn't want to take it she seems to "forget" a lot. I've proposed putting an alarm on her phone to remind her. She knows how it makes her if she stops taking them (she complained to be short of money didn't get her months worth a few months back and her anxiety was through the roof)
These meds often have strong side and/or taking them is unpleasant, so it's not something you want to think about.
Trust me, I got to take medicine every day (luckily not for mental health reasons) and often I just want to forget about it.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,533
Ok so I'll post what's going on it's going to be a bit long(because I'm going to stay from the beginning) so I'll do a tldr at the end lol.

About 5-6 years ago, I moved from the USA to Spain. I was a bit tired of my lack of a social life, living at home with parents and a relatively stressful job. When I first came to Spain my first job was English teacher but I obviously wanted something in my field, import export logistics, and I started searching. I couldn't find anything in the city I'm in right now Vigo, which when I first came to Spain was where I wanted to be. So I applied to another city in Spain, Valencia, that was on the other side of the country and instantly found jobs.

I had just met someone at the time and we were dating and she didn't like that all of sudden I was going to move across the country. Not to side track things but she's part of the story, she eventually moved across the country with me and we lived together. We soon realized we were better off having been just friends. We lasted longer in the relationship than we should have. It ended on relatively good terms despite it all. We had a dog together which I kept(and what a life saver he is).

So I was given the opportunity to move back to the first city in Spain I wanted to try(where I'm at now) with transferring the same company. After two years I am completely unhappy here, work is incredibly stressful and my social life is pretty much non existent.

I told my current boss I am leaving and would like to transfer back to Valencia yesterday after having a talk with my therapist in the US. Two of the worst episodes of anxiety and depression have happened here where I am now and I think it's time to go.

I felt better after letting it all out, but now my anxiety is worried about them accepting my transfer back. I'm a great worker and everyone speaks highly of me but you never know. My current boss wants me to stay on until the end of the year but me lasting until September is already rough for me.

The department has been a revolving door but the experience from it and everything I've learned will no doubt help me in the future.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice I just wanted to vent a bit. This whole episode was actually triggered this past Sunday when my ex visited and she started talking to me about her current boyfriend and how they are buying a house together and that just made me feel like absolute crap. Like jealousy.

My anxiety and panic attacks have been better but I still wake up very early in the morning with panic attacks. I try to sleep with YouTube meditation videos but I still wake up with bad anxiety. My appetite is also not very good, so while I'm eating something, I'm not eating a lot.

I know it will be OK and I have my great therapist to help (although he's in his 80s and God forbid...) but I feel so lost sometimes.

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this its all over the place because my mind is still all over the place but I hope for the most part it's read able lol

Tldr Basically regret moving to a city and after two years I want to move back. Having extreme anxiety and occasionally depression which was triggered a couple of days ago by an ex girlfriend visiting and telling me about her current bf even though I'm not interested in her romantically. I told my current boss I'm quitting my job and gave her until September she wanted me to stay on rest of year (very stressful job not helping with anxiety and actually a part of it) I asked for a transfer back to my old job and waiting on an answer on that
You're doing all the right things.

Are you taking any medication for the anxiety? That could ease the panic attacks.
 
Oct 25, 2017
128
A year ago I sought therapy for the first time in my life and it went very well. After a few months, my therapist left town for another job. Today I found out she is back in town. That is happy news. I feel a sense of calm that I have lacked in a while. It may not last, but it feels good in the moment.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
I'm a day or 2 from falling back in the hole, but this has been a week and a half and it seems like my breaks from that hole are getting longer. So even though its going to happen (and it is) I'm proud I'm making it longer.

Also I do think I realize why I'm think I'm so stupid and it's actually not my fault. Under fight or flight I tend to freeze and my cognition goes out of wack. So my statements become really dumb, I cant think properly and I end up usually making situations worse. I think I'm mostly okay with interaction until something triggers me then I'm just, brain dead almost. You attach that to my dyslexia, attach that to my dysgraphia and its hard not to feel this way or internalize it (plus countless people making fun of me over the years due to my class clown personality that makes it very inviting)

Therapist think I might have borderline personality disorder but I dont think that's the case. I'm pretty consistent in my emotions and I'd like to think I'm empathic first and I dont hate anyone in my personal life. Im reading up on it, partner doesnt think I have it and she knows me well. Like I'm not very impulsive but I do self harm but it's not really for attention or anything.

Like I see how he got there, alot of cptsd symptoms go hand in hand but the internals are very different. I think hes taking my self harm and attaching this to it when its actually more of a side effect from the self hatred. Maybe I'm wrong though, I do get triggered and panic alot... idk. To be fair its just something he wanted me to read it's not really a diagnosis, he wanted my take to see if I thought it was possible.

That's up my update I'm sure shortly I'm gonna be in here making scenes, I do that lol.

A year ago I sought therapy for the first time in my life and it went very well. After a few months, my therapist left town for another job. Today I found out she is back in town. That is happy news. I feel a sense of calm that I have lacked in a while. It may not last, but it feels good in the moment.
Savor that, I'm glad some good is going on for you friend.
 
Last edited:
Oct 27, 2017
267
Had 7 days off to recharge, back on a flight and hitting the ground running for 4 more straight weeks of work. I “finished” the last load of work, but it took a few straigh 4am-midnights. Not sure im ready for another month of it, I still dream of last months. Going to do my best amd take it in stride. Going to take more breaks, play more basketball on any downtime I can give myself. Work starts tomorrow, I hope I am ready.
 

djinn

Member
Nov 16, 2017
2,406
Wish me luck in the next few weeks. I'll be swapping medications and my doctor has told me that this is likely to be a very mentally traumatic experience. I've got good support around me and work is very cooperative too.

Yesterday, I just hated myself so much I wanted to die. Today my mood is better. Not great but better. I really hope these new meds are what I need. We'll see.
 

Phonzo

Member
Oct 26, 2017
2,028
So i really do not and will not go to therapy. Im a very closed person. I just want medication for depression and anxiety. You think a General practitioner will give it?

A couple of years ago i casually brought up anxiety pills to my GP, and she said you would need to see therapist for that.
 

Wondergal

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,057
So I'm new here but I just am so depressed a lot of the time and it eats away at me. I constantly have 1-2 episodes of suicidal thoughts nearly every week. Some background: I was physically and mentally abused for years by my father as a child up to age 11, still dealing constantly with a lot of that past trauma and in addition, have dysphoria over aspects of my body. Have a lot of sadness with regard to knowing I was a girl since well, I was age 11 and not being able to live my life as who I am for so long up to age 24. Due to the abuse and those other things I've been wanting to not be around since age 6, and I feel like I am a drain on the people whom I love and love me back. My dad threatened to kill me over the phone if I ever returned to my birth country in 2017 because of me being trans. Just a lot of shit really. It was also really stressful when I went through the political asylum process for a year and simultaneously dealing with constantly reliving-retelling my trauma, and the horrible political/social situation in the US (we aren't criminals). I've also been jobless for almost 2 years and feel guilty for being unable to help my girlfriend and family more with finances. I just can't work being like this and unable to function as a person in day to day interactions and life.

That's it for the really dark parts. I do take medication(s) and have a team at my clinic consisting of my pcp, psychiatrist and therapist and even with their kindness, I can't help but feel I am not taking their advice/help and applying it well enough considering the past year. What keeps me going are the facts I was granted asylum earlier this year in spite of the obstacles/hate, have wonderful pets, and am supported by my amazing girlfriend. I know I need to do better and live for and be kind to myself. It's just so....difficult.
 

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,854
Been up and down lately. Down in the sense that I feel I don't belong anywhere--not in this thread, not in the community here, not in the LGBTQ community, etc. Up that I talked with my psychiatrist and she suggested I look into a peer specialist career to give me some purpose and a job that I can be proud of doing. I'm going to look into it and see if it would fit my experiences and personality.
 

Cappa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
986
You're doing all the right things.

Are you taking any medication for the anxiety? That could ease the panic attacks.
I have access to lorazepam that I would use only for flight anxiety but I was never officially prescribed anything. I don't like to use it in case I get addicted but I did use it once on Sunday and once yesterday to see if it would help. I woke up in the middle of the night today and popped one. I woke up with less anxiety but still anxiety
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,746
Wish me luck in the next few weeks. I'll be swapping medications and my doctor has told me that this is likely to be a very mentally traumatic experience. I've got good support around me and work is very cooperative too.

Yesterday, I just hated myself so much I wanted to die. Today my mood is better. Not great but better. I really hope these new meds are what I need. We'll see.
Good luck and best wishes.

Been up and down lately. Down in the sense that I feel I don't belong anywhere--not in this thread, not in the community here, not in the LGBTQ community, etc. Up that I talked with my psychiatrist and she suggested I look into a peer specialist career to give me some purpose and a job that I can be proud of doing. I'm going to look into it and see if it would fit my experiences and personality.
There is always a place for you in this thread. Sometimes it sucks when feelings and reality don’t match up, sounds like you are doing all the right things...


So I'm new here but I just am so depressed a lot of the time and it eats away at me. I constantly have 1-2 episodes of suicidal thoughts nearly every week. Some background: I was physically and mentally abused for years by my father as a child up to age 11, still dealing constantly with a lot of that past trauma and in addition, have dysphoria over aspects of my body. Have a lot of sadness with regard to knowing I was a girl since well, I was age 11 and not being able to live my life as who I am for so long up to age 24. Due to the abuse and those other things I've been wanting to not be around since age 6, and I feel like I am a drain on the people whom I love and love me back. My dad threatened to kill me over the phone if I ever returned to my birth country in 2017 because of me being trans. Just a lot of shit really. It was also really stressful when I went through the political asylum process for a year and simultaneously dealing with constantly reliving-retelling my trauma, and the horrible political/social situation in the US (we aren't criminals). I've also been jobless for almost 2 years and feel guilty for being unable to help my girlfriend and family more with finances. I just can't work being like this and unable to function as a person in day to day interactions and life.

That's it for the really dark parts. I do take medication(s) and have a team at my clinic consisting of my pcp, psychiatrist and therapist and even with their kindness, I can't help but feel I am not taking their advice/help and applying it well enough considering the past year. What keeps me going are the facts I was granted asylum earlier this year in spite of the obstacles/hate, have wonderful pets, and am supported by my amazing girlfriend. I know I need to do better and live for and be kind to myself. It's just so....difficult.
Firstly cool Avatar pick. Secondly thanks for using spoiler tags, It’s really considerate of you.

In terms of being kind to yourself. Self love is hard and even sometimes feels unnatural especially with that kind of history. For me I find it a lot easier to love/help others then myself. It worth remembering that love for both yourself and others is a practiced skill, the more you exercise it/practice the easier it gets.

Try starting with small things that you can manage. And work your way up. It helps
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
Yeah I'm doing horrible I called this shit. I'm so fucking tired of hating myself, I'm so tired of this stupid routine.

Been up and down lately. Down in the sense that I feel I don't belong anywhere--not in this thread, not in the community here, not in the LGBTQ community, etc. Up that I talked with my psychiatrist and she suggested I look into a peer specialist career to give me some purpose and a job that I can be proud of doing. I'm going to look into it and see if it would fit my experiences and personality.
You can always message me friend.

So I'm new here but I just am so depressed a lot of the time and it eats away at me. I constantly have 1-2 episodes of suicidal thoughts nearly every week. Some background: I was physically and mentally abused for years by my father as a child up to age 11, still dealing constantly with a lot of that past trauma and in addition, have dysphoria over aspects of my body. Have a lot of sadness with regard to knowing I was a girl since well, I was age 11 and not being able to live my life as who I am for so long up to age 24. Due to the abuse and those other things I've been wanting to not be around since age 6, and I feel like I am a drain on the people whom I love and love me back. My dad threatened to kill me over the phone if I ever returned to my birth country in 2017 because of me being trans. Just a lot of shit really. It was also really stressful when I went through the political asylum process for a year and simultaneously dealing with constantly reliving-retelling my trauma, and the horrible political/social situation in the US (we aren't criminals). I've also been jobless for almost 2 years and feel guilty for being unable to help my girlfriend and family more with finances. I just can't work being like this and unable to function as a person in day to day interactions and life.

That's it for the really dark parts. I do take medication(s) and have a team at my clinic consisting of my pcp, psychiatrist and therapist and even with their kindness, I can't help but feel I am not taking their advice/help and applying it well enough considering the past year. What keeps me going are the facts I was granted asylum earlier this year in spite of the obstacles/hate, have wonderful pets, and am supported by my amazing girlfriend. I know I need to do better and live for and be kind to myself. It's just so....difficult.
You're always welcome to post here and I'm glad you have that support and are making it even if it's a hard journey forward. But keep posting, keep pushing, you're awesome and deserve that happiness and self love.

Wish me luck in the next few weeks. I'll be swapping medications and my doctor has told me that this is likely to be a very mentally traumatic experience. I've got good support around me and work is very cooperative too.

Yesterday, I just hated myself so much I wanted to die. Today my mood is better. Not great but better. I really hope these new meds are what I need. We'll see.
Post as much as you need, I hope things can go as smooth as possible for you
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
So i really do not and will not go to therapy. Im a very closed person. I just want medication for depression and anxiety. You think a General practitioner will give it?

A couple of years ago i casually brought up anxiety pills to my GP, and she said you would need to see therapist for that.
I'm quite sure most people would want to know exactly why you'd want the medication. And without at least a few appointments I'm afraid that you might not be able to get the medication.

Are you sure you don't want to try talking to someone, anyone at all?
Because I think it's a good way to vent and it might help you in the long run.


The DBT group we were going to go to is full. Wait times to get in are like 6 months. We'll have moved to another city by then. We also finally disowned our abusive parents.

Not sure what to do... really need DBT, according to literally everyone: the local crisis line, friends who have gone through it, everyone...

We can't just wait until we start college again and use local resources there. We need help now.
It is unfortunate, but getting help often takes time. I know there's this ticking time-bomb like feeling in you right now, but you have to hang in there until you can go see someone.

If you find yourself struggling for any reason, you can express yourself fine here.

Having a really stressful day with constant dark self harm thoughts.
It's hard to escape those feelings, is there anything you like to do that can give you a moment of respite?
I see from previous posts that you've quit smoking weed. Are you feeling better right now?
 

astro

Member
Oct 25, 2017
15,051
So I recently had a serious enough flare of my ulcerative colitis that I was put on a short course of high dose steroids, and these things completely ruin me. They make me really on edge, to the point that even the slightest irritation makes me seething with anger. It's really exhausting constantly having to monitor my actions to make sure I'm not letting it show, the colitis wipes me out energy wise and I don't have much left over to contain this.

Do any of you have any good tips for staying calm when you're stressed? Stress can also exacerbate my UC symptoms, so I want to try to avoid it as best I can.

Meditation and stuff while my mind is like this is next to impossible, but I'm willing to at least try anything.

I avoid being around people when I'm like this because I can be snappy and mean for no good reason and it's horrible, looking to try to get a better handle of it in future as I will no doubt have to be on these drugs again and I can't operate well when I take them.

Any advice is welcome.
 

Jam

Member
Oct 25, 2017
4,533
Was having a bit of a relapse recently then received some awful news. Managed to steady myself a bit since but still very up and down.

Seriously need to start getting enough sleep and prioritising myself.

So I recently had a serious enough flare of my ulcerative colitis that I was put on a short course of high dose steroids, and these things completely ruin me. They make me really on edge, to the point that even the slightest irritation makes me seething with anger. It's really exhausting constantly having to monitor my actions to make sure I'm not letting it show, the colitis wipes me out energy wise and I don't have much left over to contain this.

Do any of you have any good tips for staying calm when you're stressed? Stress can also exacerbate my UC symptoms, so I want to try to avoid it as best I can.

Meditation and stuff while my mind is like this is next to impossible, but I'm willing to at least try anything.

I avoid being around people when I'm like this because I can be snappy and mean for no good reason and it's horrible, looking to try to get a better handle of it in future as I will no doubt have to be on these drugs again and I can't operate well when I take them.

Any advice is welcome.
One word: Mindfulness. It’s great for getting you into the “present”, clearing your mind and thought process, and steadying your breathing and overall feeling. Takes some practise and getting used to.

I won’t lie, it’s hard to force yourself to do it. It’s so easy for us to give advice but harder to practise what we preach.

I don’t always do mindfulness, I should do more, but I can honestly say plenty of times I have done it it has really helped me.

I have access to lorazepam that I would use only for flight anxiety but I was never officially prescribed anything. I don't like to use it in case I get addicted but I did use it once on Sunday and once yesterday to see if it would help. I woke up in the middle of the night today and popped one. I woke up with less anxiety but still anxiety
I’d speak to a doctor and see about more long-term medications; like SSRIs or Beta Blockers, you seem generally well though so you could probably just do with low dosage. Hopefully they’ll help you be more in control of the physical feelings anxiety; your mind itself rationalises everything well.
 

XuandeXun

Member
May 16, 2019
66
So i really do not and will not go to therapy. Im a very closed person. I just want medication for depression and anxiety. You think a General practitioner will give it?

A couple of years ago i casually brought up anxiety pills to my GP, and she said you would need to see therapist for that.
Depends on the practitioner, but speaking from my experience, you're more likely to get anxiety meds than anti-depressants/mood stabilizers from a general practitioner. You might also get lucky and find someone who has the relevant background despite working as a general practitioner, my wife once had a regular doctor like that.

Its actually kinda funny that my exposure to Xanax from a GP, just before I found out that I was severely depressed for the first time and referred to psych/therapy, was more impactful in a positive way than any of the dozen of anti-depression/anxiety meds that psychiatrists have tried me on. I'm not actively using it, but its the one drug I've tried that can actually aid me if I'm suffering from a severe panic attack.
 

OniLinkPlus

Member
Oct 25, 2017
396
Feeling incredibly hopeless. Everyone I ever cared about thinks I'm an abusive piece of shit. My parents disowned me because I called out how abusive they were to me (unsurprising). I have no support network of any kind.

I quit my job because it is absolutely soul draining. Everyone tells me I'm doing a great job, but I look at the school system in the US and just see child abuse. I can't keep contributing to it.

I can't apply to new jobs. The entire job search process is designed to be as impossible as it can be for autistic people. The thought of even trying gives me panic attacks.

I tried to apply to college as a postbacc but applied too late. I could go in winter term, but I doubt I'll survive till then. Even if I went, I doubt I'd be able to handle it.

Just deleted my Facebook because people kept sending me messages saying they're concerned and I don't want to hear it. Tomorrow is my last day at work and I don't think I want to go. I want to die tonight. I just need someone to reassure me that I am a piece of shit who deserves to die, so I can hold onto their words and not back out.
 

XuandeXun

Member
May 16, 2019
66
This maybe isn't what you need to hear, but I recently "abandoned" my entire biological family by moving 10 hours away from all of them, even giving up a house that we would soon own to do it. For the longest time, I felt like I owed my mother something because she brought me up. That led to me rationalizing the emotional and physical abuse I got, the drug and alcohol abuses common to my entire biological family, etc. While I'm only a month removed from all of that, I believe its one of the best decisions I've ever made. I decided that my own well-being and the well-being of my wife and stepchildren was more important than staying loyal to "family".

My "family" not giving a damn about me doesn't make me a bad person. It might make them bad people, but I'm not going to let them ruin my life. The same goes for the workplace - I came off as hated due to my mental problems, to the point where coworkers would damage my car outside of work property. Thankfully I don't have to deal with that right now as I won my disability case, and we can make ends meet with the small monthly income bump that provides.
 

Terraj_RSL

Member
Feb 8, 2018
492
Want to vent a little. I was with a friend and his friend and they started talking about relationships and soulmates. Me having never been in a relationship felt pretty depressed afterwards. I’m tired of people saying I will meet someone one day. At this point in life I know no one wants to live with my flaws and ugly face and body. Sad I’m not able to find the courage to end my life.


My advice is don't worry about relationships until you are happy & content with yourself. Your post was really self-deprecating, so try working on one "flaw" at a time until you feel better about yourself, then you can worry about finding a significant other.

Also remember when you're depressed you have a pessimistic view of the world and tend to see things more negatively than they really are.
 

Infinitebento

Member
Oct 25, 2017
1,782
c h i » a k
I felt a certain sense of calm today acknowledging that I firmly believe I will die before I am 30

I haven’t felt suicidal in months, almost a full year, but today I strongly considered the idea

I am sad I feel this way
 

GamerJM

Member
Nov 8, 2017
2,329
With each passing week I feel as though my mental health deteriorates due to my job. I don't have confidence in what I do because I'm bad at it and I wasn't properly trained. My pay is shit, it might become good eventually but it feels like the path to that is basically eventually getting to a point where you work 80 hour weeks and I just don't think I can do that without wrecking myself physically and emotionally. I feel guilty for feeling this way because a lot of people would kill to have an opportunity like this, and it's pretty common for careers in the bay area to have long working hours but I just can't do it on a regular basis. And I feel like I'd be lying if I said "work/life balance is important to me" because there's no life either, I'm just sitting in front of a computer at home all day, I'm just too lazy to put in that much work a day.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
This maybe isn't what you need to hear, but I recently "abandoned" my entire biological family by moving 10 hours away from all of them, even giving up a house that we would soon own to do it. For the longest time, I felt like I owed my mother something because she brought me up. That led to me rationalizing the emotional and physical abuse I got, the drug and alcohol abuses common to my entire biological family, etc. While I'm only a month removed from all of that, I believe its one of the best decisions I've ever made. I decided that my own well-being and the well-being of my wife and stepchildren was more important than staying loyal to "family".

My "family" not giving a damn about me doesn't make me a bad person. It might make them bad people, but I'm not going to let them ruin my life. The same goes for the workplace - I came off as hated due to my mental problems, to the point where coworkers would damage my car outside of work property. Thankfully I don't have to deal with that right now as I won my disability case, and we can make ends meet with the small monthly income bump that provides.
I dont even remember writing this so I'm sorry to bother you with it. I'm planning to leave but every time I get in this hole I'm just fully consumed by it. Hoping by march I found somewhere far to go
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Being tired is part of the deal, it's not fun or right but it happens.

All that stress you have weighing you down, you carry it with you. Yeah, it's a burden and I know how it feels. You have to continue hanging in there, your life will get better when you have had the opportunity to move on.

Don't think about what you do to others, just try to be the best you can be. Everything else will fall into place at some point.

Feeling incredibly hopeless. Everyone I ever cared about thinks I'm an abusive piece of shit. My parents disowned me because I called out how abusive they were to me (unsurprising). I have no support network of any kind.

I quit my job because it is absolutely soul draining. Everyone tells me I'm doing a great job, but I look at the school system in the US and just see child abuse. I can't keep contributing to it.

I can't apply to new jobs. The entire job search process is designed to be as impossible as it can be for autistic people. The thought of even trying gives me panic attacks.

I tried to apply to college as a postbacc but applied too late. I could go in winter term, but I doubt I'll survive till then. Even if I went, I doubt I'd be able to handle it.

Just deleted my Facebook because people kept sending me messages saying they're concerned and I don't want to hear it. Tomorrow is my last day at work and I don't think I want to go. I want to die tonight. I just need someone to reassure me that I am a piece of shit who deserves to die, so I can hold onto their words and not back out.
People care so you are obviously not shit, you mean something to them. Isn't that nice?

You're loved and appreciated, I know that doesn't mean much until you start loving and appreciating yourself.

As for jobs, I can't really say much about that nowadays I just improvise most of the interviews and have gotten really good at it. There was a time when I had real trouble getting a job.

I don't know if it's not caring or if I'm delivering Oscar worthy performances but it works. You can do this too, but it takes a bit of confidence.
 

Lord of Ostia

Member
Oct 27, 2017
11,877
This is so heartbreaking to see from you. You really helped me feel better last week when I was asking for advice here, you matter and while you are right that I don't know you, I know enough to know that the world is a better place with you in it. I understand your pain and wanting to not be around anymore, and I understand feeling like a fucking hypocrit because you know that if you did end it you'd just hurt more people and you are afraid of other people dying and leaving you behind so it's fucked to even contemplate doing that to the people you care about, but you do it anyway because the pain is way too much to bear some days and you wonder what is even the point.

I don't even have an answer for you really, just that I understand the feeling and that I want you to stick around in spite of that.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
Being tired is part of the deal, it's not fun or right but it happens.

All that stress you have weighing you down, you carry it with you. Yeah, it's a burden and I know how it feels. You have to continue hanging in there, your life will get better when you have had the opportunity to move on.

Don't think about what you do to others, just try to be the best you can be. Everything else will fall into place at some point.
This is so heartbreaking to see from you. You really helped me feel better last week when I was asking for advice here, you matter and while you are right that I don't know you, I know enough to know that the world is a better place with you in it. I understand your pain and wanting to not be around anymore, and I understand feeling like a fucking hypocrit because you know that if you did end it you'd just hurt more people and you are afraid of other people dying and leaving you behind so it's fucked to even contemplate doing that to the people you care about, but you do it anyway because the pain is way too much to bear some days and you wonder what is even the point.

I don't even have an answer for you really, just that I understand the feeling and that I want you to stick around in spite of that.
I'm truly sorry that was an emotional flashback fueled with alcohol which was a massive mistake. I literally dont remember even writing that. I have no intention of doing anything and I plan to move and actually restart my life so I want to nip that right now.

But that is what goes in my head during those moments and its constant, I'm doing my best to recover but the one thing I need to do is accept there will be times I lose that fight. And unfortunately theres not a whole lot that could reach me when I'm like that, but I'm strong enough to allow my setbacks and I have long road ahead of me.

But I'm sorry again if I gave anyone a scare I dont mean to.
 

Lord of Ostia

Member
Oct 27, 2017
11,877
I'm truly sorry that was an emotional flashback fueled with alcohol which was a massive mistake. I literally dont remember even writing that. I have no intention of doing anything and I plan to move and actually restart my life so I want to nip that right now.

But that is what goes in my head during those moments and its constant, I'm doing my best to recover but the one thing I need to do is accept there will be times I lose that fight. And unfortunately theres not a whole lot that could reach me when I'm like that, but I'm strong enough to allow my setbacks and I have long road ahead of me.

I have a long road of recovery and I wont truly be okay for a long time but I'm trying. But I'm sorry again if I gave anyone a scare I dont mean to.
You have nothing to apologize for, if that's how you felt in the moment then that's how you felt. I'm glad you aren't feeling that way right now.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
You have nothing to apologize for, if that's how you felt in the moment then that's how you felt. I'm glad you aren't feeling that way right now.
Even still I am. I dont like making scenes, i dont like worrying anyone. I've been doing that alot lately, but yeah I'm okay. I'm still in the hole but I'm not drinking and I'm not gonna do anything stupid. This will pass, but keep updating your end of things too. I'm gonna practice getting out of this when I get home from work.
 

Phil32

Member
Oct 28, 2017
2,854
Going to go forward into looking at the peer specialist program here in Missouri. I think it will work for me.
 
OP
OP
Ketkat

Ketkat

Heart & Mind
Member
Oct 25, 2017
3,651
Even still I am. I dont like making scenes, i dont like worrying anyone. I've been doing that alot lately, but yeah I'm okay. I'm still in the hole but I'm not drinking and I'm not gonna do anything stupid. This will pass, but keep updating your end of things too. I'm gonna practice getting out of this when I get home from work.
I can understand those feelings of not wanting to make a scene and not worry others, but it's okay to let those feelings out no matter how negative they might feel in the moment. Bottling up those feelings can cause them to fester and grow until they're hard to manage. This space is for you as much as it is anyone else and you should always feel free to share what's bothering you, it is never a problem. We're always here for you Monkey, and we'll do whatever we can to help.

Going to go forward into looking at the peer specialist program here in Missouri. I think it will work for me.
Good luck Phil! I really hope that it works for you!
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,200
I got a job as a therapist and I start seeing clients next week, or at least that’s the goal placed on me. I don’t feel ready or even good at it honestly. I’ve always felt like a fraud. The training I received in school could’ve been a lot better imo. A lot of my classmates got much better and tougher internships and I wish that's what I would’ve gotten. As a result, I feel unprepared. I’ve only ever seen two child clients who didn’t even finish therapy and did like a handful of groups at my internship at a rehab center. I could’ve and should’ve done more but I was too scared and now it’s biting me in the ass. I often wonder how the hell I was allowed to graduate. I don’t know what I’m doing.
 

R.P. McMurphy

Member
May 8, 2019
10
I got a job as a therapist and I start seeing clients next week, or at least that’s the goal placed on me. I don’t feel ready or even good at it honestly. I’ve always felt like a fraud. The training I received in school could’ve been a lot better imo. A lot of my classmates got much better and tougher internships and I wish that's what I would’ve gotten. As a result, I feel unprepared. I’ve only ever seen two child clients who didn’t even finish therapy and did like a handful of groups at my internship at a rehab center. I could’ve and should’ve done more but I was too scared and now it’s biting me in the ass. I often wonder how the hell I was allowed to graduate. I don’t know what I’m doing.
This is a normal feeling for your first "real" job, even in our field. Have you asked about supervision? My first supervisor sucked, but my next three were great and helped me really grow as a clinician.
 

Astral

Member
Oct 27, 2017
5,200
This is a normal feeling for your first "real" job, even in our field. Have you asked about supervision? My first supervisor sucked, but my next three were great and helped me really grow as a clinician.
I have my first supervision on Monday morning. I’m not sure if I should bring these issues up though. I’m afraid of being deemed unqualified and it’s just embarrassing.
 

HooAmEye

Member
May 17, 2019
420
I just wrote this and want to post it here


I just realized how my social anxiety has been driving my life into depression and apathy so much these last five years


It starts with intense bullying that lasts from eighth grade through last year


It starts with paranoia of everyone mocking you and being unable to leave your apartment for days

It starts with feeling so disconnected from other people that you can't even try anymore


And I hate it

Social Anxiety is sitting in your apartment for days, being unable to leave out of fear of talking to somebody.
Social Anxiety is being at a party and believing that everyone is mocking you behind your back.
Social Anxiety is turning down an offer from a friend to hang out because you are terrified of doing something wrong and letting them down.
Social Anxiety is moving to hatred of those close to you out of jealousy of being able to interact with people without wanting to scream.
Social Anxiety is wanting to cry as soon as soon as someone just smiles or makes eye contact with you.
Social Anxiety is hiding up everything you feel out of fear of it being more deviant. Social Anxiety is wanting to just disappear forever, but can't because you desperately want to connect to those around you.

I'm sitting in my apartment right now hating my best and only friend as she attends a party
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,746
I just wrote this and want to post it here


I just realized how my social anxiety has been driving my life into depression and apathy so much these last five years


It starts with intense bullying that lasts from eighth grade through last year


It starts with paranoia of everyone mocking you and being unable to leave your apartment for days

It starts with feeling so disconnected from other people that you can't even try anymore


And I hate it

Social Anxiety is sitting in your apartment for days, being unable to leave out of fear of talking to somebody.
Social Anxiety is being at a party and believing that everyone is mocking you behind your back.
Social Anxiety is turning down an offer from a friend to hang out because you are terrified of doing something wrong and letting them down.
Social Anxiety is moving to hatred of those close to you out of jealousy of being able to interact with people without wanting to scream.
Social Anxiety is wanting to cry as soon as soon as someone just smiles or makes eye contact with you.
Social Anxiety is hiding up everything you feel out of fear of it being more deviant. Social Anxiety is wanting to just disappear forever, but can't because you desperately want to connect to those around you.

I'm sitting in my apartment right now hating my best and only friend as she attends a party
Were you invited? Would you like to go?
 

R.P. McMurphy

Member
May 8, 2019
10
I have my first supervision on Monday morning. I’m not sure if I should bring these issues up though. I’m afraid of being deemed unqualified and it’s just embarrassing.
Get to know your supervisor and their style first, but this is exactly what supervision is for--to address areas where you dont feel confident.
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
I can understand those feelings of not wanting to make a scene and not worry others, but it's okay to let those feelings out no matter how negative they might feel in the moment. Bottling up those feelings can cause them to fester and grow until they're hard to manage. This space is for you as much as it is anyone else and you should always feel free to share what's bothering you, it is never a problem. We're always here for you Monkey, and we'll do whatever we can to help.
Thank you, I need to keep this in mind but its incredibly appreciated.
I got a job as a therapist and I start seeing clients next week, or at least that’s the goal placed on me. I don’t feel ready or even good at it honestly. I’ve always felt like a fraud. The training I received in school could’ve been a lot better imo. A lot of my classmates got much better and tougher internships and I wish that's what I would’ve gotten. As a result, I feel unprepared. I’ve only ever seen two child clients who didn’t even finish therapy and did like a handful of groups at my internship at a rehab center. I could’ve and should’ve done more but I was too scared and now it’s biting me in the ass. I often wonder how the hell I was allowed to graduate. I don’t know what I’m doing.
You're amazing, I hope for the best in every way.
 

jdstorm

Member
Jan 6, 2018
2,746
No and no. I'm just jealous of those close to me being able to not have to deal with that fear everytime and actually make connections with other people. But then I start hating myself for hating them.
We are all unique and that means we all face our own set of challenges. As a fellow socially anxious person, I guarantee you that there are people who think you are great and would like to connect with you as well but the barriers you have in place can prevent that from happening.

I know it’s hard but neither you or the world is so fragile that a few awkward encounters will break either. Just keep being clear on what you actually want and try and communicate that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work all the time, the trick is persistence.

Also don’t be too hard on yourself. If it doesn’t work the first time you will have plenty of chances to try again
 

stan_marsh

Member
Oct 25, 2017
5,393
Canada
It's hard to escape those feelings, is there anything you like to do that can give you a moment of respite?
I see from previous posts that you've quit smoking weed. Are you feeling better right now?
Not feeling better at all tbh, I'm more irritable / thoughts race even faster.
I'm trying breathing exercises. Music always helps calm the thoughts down too.

Doing awful, doing absolutely awful. Following the guides, trying breathing excerises everything but this is the worst I've felt in a long time. Self loathing is overwhelming, therapist isnt available until tomorrow so idk how to help it.
Me too...but I have no therapy lined up...hang in there bud. You're a really strong person :)
 

delSai

Member
Oct 27, 2017
1,363
Germany
I was gonna type a long post about how im doing at the moment but.. idk man.

Back to not being able to sleep again. Thinking about quitting my job.

The negatives always outweigh the few positives so hard. I just dont feel like keeping going anymore
 

Sadire

Member
Oct 31, 2017
200
Do these feelings often creep up during the weekends?
I find in myself that's almost always the start of a bad slump.

You only have to hang in there a little bit, and then you'll have your therapist.
In the mean time you can always dump your frustrations here, in the hope that it would alleviate you (even if only slightly) of the terrible feeling you have.
There's always someone reading your posts.

Not feeling better at all tbh, I'm more irritable / thoughts race even faster.
I'm trying breathing exercises. Music always helps calm the thoughts down too.
Music is always nice to fall back on.

So you're irritable and your thoughts are racing through your head.
There's exercises for the latter, I'm currently trying them.
What do you think about exactly, is it something negative and does it just keep on snowballing?
 

Monkey DTT

Avenger
Oct 28, 2017
1,800
USA West Virginia
Do these feelings often creep up during the weekends?
I find in myself that's almost always the start of a bad slump.

You only have to hang in there a little bit, and then you'll have your therapist.
In the mean time you can always dump your frustrations here, in the hope that it would alleviate you (even if only slightly) of the terrible feeling you have.
There's always someone reading your posts.
Not that simple it comes and goes but even when I'm fine it doesn't go away I'm just capable of managing it. Even then this is a worse patch, I'm just drowning. Even right now I'm being made fun of by the little family I have just now. I'm hangin in
 
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Cappa

Member
Oct 25, 2017
986
Anyone else who has generalized anxiety also get hypochondriac symptoms?

I'm currently looking to schedule an appointment with a doctor because I'm almost certain I have something serious (even though I most likely don't). Anytime I get a bad case of anxiety or depression I always get a pain or ache somewhere and always always assume the worst this sucks....
 

EdibleKnife

Member
Oct 29, 2017
3,956
I was gonna type a long post about how im doing at the moment but.. idk man.

Back to not being able to sleep again. Thinking about quitting my job.

The negatives always outweigh the few positives so hard. I just dont feel like keeping going anymore
If feeling similar though instead of not sleeping, I’m sleeping too much. Lots of games I could be playing but don’t want to. Lots of movies and series I’ve been recommended but don’t want to. Lots of books on my Kindle & articles on Instapaper I could dig into but don’t want to. I should be capitalizing on my masters and looking for a job but don’t want to. Thankfully I’m able to walk for at least a bit every few days but it’s not doing much to change how lonely and tired I feel every day.
 

Pusherman

Member
Oct 27, 2017
236
I don't know where else to turn to. I'm so disgusted with myself. I keep failing at everything because I just don't care about myself. Even when I'm not actively self-hating I just don't care. And I know how much it hurts the people who do care. How much it hurts my parents to see me like this. If I could do it without hurting anyone I'd kill myself. It's honestly all I want but I know that I can't do that to my family. But I also don't know how to have a life. Don't have the energy or motivation to live.